Prelude to Destiny
by brainchild
Summary: Nominated for Best Romance Hourglass Award: Lily's goals were to get over her annoying crush on James Potter and avoid becoming Head Girl, but in 6th year after her exboyfriend shows up, everything started spiralling out of control.[COMPLETE]
1. Prolouge The Way They Were

**Prologue – **

**The Way They Were**

Night had fallen quietly, shrouding the ancient castle in a darkness that Lily Evans tried to get lost in. She hid behind a suit of armour in a far corner of the fifth floor, trying to breathe silently. Every part of her – from her left middle toe to her right shoulder blade – ached with the pain of motionlessness. Fifteen minutes had passed and still Lily heard not a single sound; that was too long, much too long, for nothing to have happened. Someone should have passed by her.

She readjusted her wand in her hand, the sweat making the menial task more difficult than it would otherwise have been. Actually, every part of her was damp with sweat (though the night air, as it should be in the middle of April, was still quite chilly). Her robes, which she had charmed to blend in more easily with the dark walls, clung to her body.

Another five minutes ticked by. Then it happened: footsteps. They were uneven, like someone shuffling forward and pausing every now and again to stop and make sure no one was around.

Lily's heart beat three times faster. The footsteps continued to move towards her. Never taking her wand from her hand, she reached down and tried to wipe some of the dampness off them. Closer and closer the feet came until finally Lily realized that she had to somehow unfold herself from her crouching position. Slowly, so slowly, she stretched her legs out under her. By the time she came to a full standing position, Lily realized that she had not heard the noise in a long time and began to panic.

** – **

_Two cultures and a thousand miles from you, there is a castle on a hill. In front of it lays a glistening lake and a field that houses six giant bubble-blowers protruding out of the ground. It is a place where things float, shatter, and repair themselves, where the swish of stick rules the hearts of the students and staff, where pictures drink and lie, and some animals are only visible to those who have seen the worst of life. _

_This castle suffered greatly this year. A woman intent on its destruction displaced its beloved headmaster and stripped it of hope and happiness. Save a pair identical twins, this place was void of laughter, but it was not always so. Little more than twenty-seven years ago the castle withstood four friends whose laughter shook the thousand year-old building. Little more than twenty-seven years ago four girls ran wild in these halls in a crazy game that none but themselves understood, and these children's lives were blanketed in the happiness that came to be taken from these hollowed grounds._

_If you wanted to see what that was like, the journey would take you across the insurmountable barrier of Time, through a concrete post, onto a legendary train, and then make you wait out the ride in a small, old-fashioned compartment. After all of that, you would still have to get into a horseless carriage and ride up to a castle that appears to most to be nothing more than rubble. Once there, you would open entrance doors the size of your house. Taking a step across the threshold, the sheer size and nature of the building would strike you dumb: the large, dark, silent halls; the cold stone floor; the old, worn, and distant walls._

_Once inside, finding the children would be nearly impossible. The boys sit in a room which can only be reached by traversing seven flights of moving stairs (one of which is invisible), crossing four passages over (two of which are so secret that the caretaker does not know of them), and walking to the end of a dusty, seemingly-unused corridor. In a corner so dark that it must be unnatural, there is a door that you would overlook if I had not mentioned it. Behind that door, the four boys you seek are sitting on the floor: three reading books too large to lift without the aid of magic and the fourth pacing. In two minutes, despite having found the answer they seek in that tomb, one would perform the spell incorrectly and be left with a hoof as an arm for an hour. _

_The girls would be an even more challenging to discover because they would never be found in the same room, corridor, or even floor if they could help it._

_Now you may have assumed that the boys are studious to a fault (studying Transfiguration well into the night) and stupid (performing the spell incorrectly), while the girls are in the middle of a great row that left them fuming at one another. Though these assumptions would not be illogical, they are incorrect. The boys are learning a spell both illegal and highly deserving of that position with the law, which is why it is necessary to learn in the privacy of the night in an unnoticeable room. The girls are playing a game that is more easily understood through observation than explanation._

** – **

Now standing behind that suit of armour, Lily realized exactly how imperfectly positioned she was; the small window twenty feet up the wall was the only source of light that Lily had and as there was no moon, she could barely seen her own wand. But that was why they had chosen this night to play, wasn't it? The darkness made it more interesting.

Lily's wand – gripped in her ever-more sweaty and cramped right hand – threatened to succumb to the horrifying prospect of gravity as her hand lost more and more of its feeling, but none of that mattered as she once more focused on the now-missing footsteps. Where were they? As the silence stretched on and on, Lily weighed her options: stay hidden, nearly blind and vulnerable, or take a leap of faith.

Lily jumped out from behind the armour as quickly as her sore muscles would let her.

"_Estulumos!_" Lily yelled, pointing her wand where she thought the other person would be, praying that it was not a professor or the caretaker. Luckily, it was neither. Unluckily, she missed her target and was not fast enough to block the same spell that hurtled back at her. She was frozen.

"_Lumos_," said a voice in front of Lily.

In her incapacitated state, Lily blinked several times before her eyes adjusted to the light and she was able to see the person in front of her: tall with flowing black hair and dark features (eyes that looked as dark as coal, almost-maroon lips, and olive skin), this girl's most unnerving feature was her unwavering smile.

"I hit you," Lily muttered through her unmoving lips.

"And I wasn't hurt, did you notice?" came the laughing response. "Maybe you ought to work on casting spells, what do you think?"

"Ugh," was all Lily could say in response. Dropping her laughing eyes from Lily's face, the girl, whose name was Samantha Caldwell, used her right hand to point her wand at her left arm where a line of names and numbers were located.

"You're frozen for thirty more seconds. I got forty points for a chest hit and am now currently in first place. You are in last, having lost ten points, but I should leave before you unfreeze and I can't do anything to stop you from freezing me. Stupid No Backs rule."

With that Samantha, who was more commonly known as Sam, said _Nox _and was gone, running quickly down the corridor.

When the feeling returned to Lily's legs, she turned and ran in the opposite direction, remembering Sam's ambush tactic from third year. Lighting her wand, Lily checked her own arm to see if Sam had told the truth about the scores. Lily could not possibly be in last already. Except for that one time, she had not been hit all game. Mind you, she had not hit anyone either, but last place did not seem fair. It was true though. The letters on her arm were blue (Sam's favourite colour) indicating Sam's position of distinction above her friends.

Hearing a noise behind her, Lily said _Nox_ and poured on the speed. She noticed an odd spiral staircase once she was almost past it, and jumped onto it as fast as she could. Taking it two-stairs at a time, she reached the top (a trapdoor she needed to push up) in less than ten seconds. After actually opening the door, she crawled inside, slamming it shut behind her, hoping the person wasn't following her. Looking around the room, she found it the strangest thing she had yet seen in Hogwarts. No wall was more than two metres by one metre, including the floor, and each wall was a door, even the roof. Two doors were on their sides and the one on the roof was too far for her to open, so she chose the door behind her, opening and shutting it, just in time to see the floor door beginning to be pushed up.

The corridor she now ran through gave off enough light to let Lily see the numbers on her arm change. Christine had hit Sam in the back, freezing her for a minute and giving herself twenty points and taking ten off Sam, bumping her into second place and Christine into first. That meant they were too far away to be the ones chasing Lily. It had to be either Tracy or a faculty member. She did not bother to wait and find out.

Frantically turning left and right whenever she felt she needed to, Lily ran through every secret passageway that she knew and a few she didn't; yet the footsteps persisted. Daring to duck into a nice little nook she barely noticed, Lily waited. The footsteps ran past her. Lily quickly aimed and yelled,

"_Estulumos!_"

This time the spell hit her target and Lily saw, in the brief light of the spell, that it was indeed Tracy who had hunted her. Quickly looking at her arm, she saw she had only twenty seconds before the other girl unfroze. Lily sprinted off quickly, not bothering to say anything to Tracy.

Breathing harshly after only a short while, Lily ran up two more staircases and through four more secret passages before a flash of light sprang up behind her. Instantly, she procured a Shield Charm, never missing a step. But then there was another light and the Shield Charm didn't work as well that time. Not knowing what else to do, Lily jumped at the first door she saw. It was locked.

"_Alohamora!_" she yelled, knowing she did not have time to look for another door.

The door sprang open and she ran through, barely shutting it before another beam of light passed by her. Without realizing why there was light in the room, Lily took advantage of the situation and glanced at the numbers on her arm. Twenty-six more seconds remained before the Tracy's No Back time elapsed and Lily could shoot her once more. But that was not what caught her attention. The fact that Sam had fallen into fourth place after accidentally stunning herself was more important and meant that Lily had a chance of getting second if she could keep Tracy from hitting her and make it back to Gryffindor Tower before the time limit expired.

Trying to steady her breathing, Lily turned to see if there was an alternative way out of the room in case Tracy broke the Locking Charm Lily placed on the door. Four sets of eyes looked back at her in shocked, angry, curious, and bewildered ways.

"What are you doing--" began the boy closest to her. A loud noise exploded from the door, interrupting his question.

"What was that?" asked the boy in the corner of the room, brandishing his wand in a threatening manner.

"Nothing," lied Lily, trying to keep a straight face as she realized what this most look like to someone who knew nothing of the secret game. Another bang on the door proved her wrong and temporarily put out the torches by the door, allowing Lily to notice more clearly when exactly her arm flashed green: the signal that the No Back was over.

Quietly taking the spell off the door, Lily did not notice one of the boys relighting the torches until the light once more poured through the room. She was too busy rapidly opening the door, shouting the curse while aiming in a random direction and shutting the door before Tracy had time to retaliate. The numbers on her arm did not change; she had missed.

"Nineteen minutes left and you're down by fifteen to me and fifty to Christine! You can't win! Let me take the points and beat Christine," Tracy yelled through the door, pleading with Lily to take a fall.

The boys in the room may have said something, asking her questions, staring at her in all of the strangeness, but Lily had not noticed. She was too busy trying to think of a way to leave this room and run back to her common room in nineteen minutes without getting hit by Tracy because there was absolutely no way she would ever simply accept defeat.

There was no way around it; she would have to just do it.

Throwing open the door, Lily remained hidden behind it, waiting until after Tracy's first curse barrelled through before she pivoted around the door and shot out her own spell, hitting the other girl right in the stomach and giving Lily twenty-seven seconds to run before the other girl unfroze. It was not actually that much time when Lily realized she knew neither where she was nor how to get back to her house. So she ran as fast as she could toward the best-lit corridor, leaving the four boys just as she had found them: shocked, angry, curious, and bewildered.

Eventually she recognized a staircase and two portraits. Proud to know that she found her way, Lily's confidence soared. Or at least it soared until she was stunned from the side. Instantly frozen, the only reason she saw who hit her was because Christine – fun-loving, kind of always lost Christine – streaked past her.

Almost the moment Lily's stunning wore off, another light hit her, harder, and she was frozen once more. This time it was the tan body of Sam who raced past, sprinting after Christine, obviously trying for one last hit before the tower. Lily would have surely been stunned a third time if it hadn't been for her ability with Charms. As soon as she unfroze, she shot out a Shield Charm, deflecting two Stuns from what must have been Tracy.

Sprinting to the left after the last shot faded into oblivion, leaving the hall in complete darkness, Lily raced through three corridors on a floor she vaguely knew, avoiding curses being shot at her from one of her best friends, and having the time of her life. Her arm began to blink white, notifying her that only five minutes remained before the time limit expired. Putting every last breath she had into it, Lily raced for the tower, knowing she could not afford to lose the sixty points that missing the deadline entailed. It was in her hurry to get back that she made her most lucky encounter of the night: Filch, the caretaker. Literally. She knocked him over.

"You lousy, disrespectful, nuisance of a girl!" he yelled, hurrying to stand up, grabbing her upper arm painfully as her did so, dragging her to her feet. "You'll get expelled for this. Running around at this hour of the morning, trying to kill Mrs. Norris and me. You'll surely be gone from here soon."

"But--" Lily panted, trying to think of something to say to make him stop.

"No talking!" He shuddered and suddenly an idea came to her. He tightened his gripped on her arm so much that she cried out in pain instead of finishing her thought.

"I was chasing first years," she said, trying to catch her breath, the pain in her side hurting her almost as much as his hand on her arm. "I'm a Prefect and saw them sneak out."

"Liar! You ought to be beaten for such--" a burst of light shot towards the pair of them and though it did not hit them, it gave Filch a reason to believe Lily.

"First years! Attacking me!" He gave Lily one last shake them ran off to catch his prey: Tracy. Lily had to warn her. Loudly she yelled,

"Get those first years, Mr. Filch!"

She hoped that was enough to save her friend whatever punishment she would have otherwise incurred, but Lily could not wait to see. Spinning and taking every precaution, even sending out the Shield Charm, Lily sprinted towards the tower, making it back with barely forty-four seconds remaining before the end of the game.

Bending at the middle, Lily rested her hands on her knees and gulped in air, trying to ignore the sweat drying all over her body. When she finally managed to stand upright, her wandless left hand gripping her side, she noticed a person lounging quite comfortably on an armchair in front of the fire.

"I… hate… you…" Lily said between gasps of breath, recognizing Sam in a moment. In response, the girl smiled. Sam might have actually said something, but she was interrupted as they both turned to stare at the portrait hole. It had sounded like something large had just run into the portrait at full speed.

"Christine," they said together before laughing. Their guess was soon proved correct as Christine, whose left side of her face looked painfully red, came stumbling through the portrait hole, looking satisfied, though she obviously just run into a wall at top speed.

"Made it," she sighed, panting like Lily.

"And Tracy won't," replied Lily. The girls looked at their left arms to see the last seconds of the game come to an end. As soon as the game ended, the numbers disappeared from their arms in a bright flash. After that dimmed, each girl held a piece of parchment in her hand.

"What?" yelled Sam, her eyes growing wide as she saw the results.

"Tracy didn't make it back because I hit her in the chest from three floors away," Christine announced as she continued both reading the parchment, her cheek growing more and more red.

Sam let out a moan, seeing the final scores printed on the parchment, knowing she had only lost because Christine had made an amazing last-moment hit worth one-hundred points. Lily had learned not to care about the final results the way the others did. Still, Lily smiled: she had come in third, not last.

"I love this game," Lily announced.

"Though no one knows why since you haven't won it since third year," Sam said, folding and placing her parchment in her pocket.

"Winning isn't everything," Lily said.

"It's just mostly everything," Sam replied.

"True," Christine agreed. The three friends stayed there, waiting for their fourth member to come in, but when the portrait hole opened it was not Tracy crawling in. Instead, it was the four male Gryffindor fifth years, the four same boys Lily had shared a room with for a few brief moments as she hid from Tracy. They were complaining loudly about having had to run away from Filch.

"I stopped him!" James Potter said. The girls glanced over at him; he was a short, black-haired boy who had fallen heavily for himself this past year. "I shot the greatest Stunning Charm at him." Lily rolled her eyes at Christine and Sam, who smiled.

"Let's go wait for Tracy upstairs," Sam suggested. Lily and Christine stood and walked towards the door that led to their staircase.

"Let me!" James yelled. Then he proceeded to magically open their door with such force that it slammed against the wall, making a loud cracking sound.

"Do you want to wake everyone up?" Lily said, exasperated and annoyed.

"What were you thinking?" Sam asked, shaking her head at him.

Then they opened the door manually and walked through, disappearing a moment before Tracy walked through the portrait hole and made her way up to their dorm. When the other girls heard the door to their room open, they saw Tracy, whose short brown hair looked like a dead animal. Maybe two dead animals. Her eyes locked on Christine.

"I was in first! I hit Lily and I was in first, and the you came along _out of nowhere_!" Christine looked back, smiling. "I was shot one minute before the end of the game, in the middle of a staircase, and then I see Filch coming at me…"

As the girls looked on, Tracy told them her story of embarrassment and the girls tried and failed not to laugh while two staircases and a corridor over, the boys got into their own beds, feeling tired and unnerved by the events of the night.

** – **

_So here, at 3:13 in the morning, you would finally find those whom you came so far to understand. You would travel across years and oceans, history and commonsense to find these eight people because you have met the next generation and believe you need to know their history. You would look for the truth about Harry Potter, but I warn you that it is not what you expect; it is only how it was on April 17th, 1973, right after a hard rain had fallen on what looks to most to be a pile of ruins, in the third year of Voldemort's Rising, when those whose destinies would lead into myth and legend had no greater aspirations than to learn how to change into an animal and win a magical game of Laser Tag. _


	2. Finding Her Niche

**Chapter One **

**Finding Her Niche**

The worst part of going back to school was the packing: the folding and organizing of Lily's robes, quills, parchment, books, and various other supplies. Luckily for Lily, though, Faith Evans was neurotic. Quickly pulling out cardboard dividers and labels, Faith made short work of unloading and reorganizing the mess that Lily called her trunk.

"How did you expect—" Faith asked with a grunt as she lodged a sock out from under her daughter's cauldron. "—to find anything in this mess?"

"I've never had any problems before," Lily quipped, taking her blouses and refolding them on her bed.

"That's because I've repacked your things every year since you were eleven, but now you're sixteen years old and you ought to be able to-- to -- what is that?" Lily's blonde mother pointed at a misshaped grey lump that appeared to be moving. Lily poked it cautiously with her wand and a pink spark shot through the air. Then everything was quiet.

"Maybe you should put that in the backyard," said Lily in what would have been an off-hand sort of way.

"What? Oh, God, is it _alive_?" Faith ran over to the window, opened it, and threw the grey thing into the street. "We are unloading this entire thing."

Lily groaned and threw herself onto her bed. A loud clang resonated in the house, but Lily did not care. Her father was watching the news and who really cared if Petunia jumped a little? Her older sister had been nothing but spiteful, mean, and full of horrible accusations since Lily came home. While both the Evans adults claimed they would grow out of their dislike of one another, Lily doubted she could ever find anything respectable, good, or even interesting in her snotty sister. Christian on the other hand…

"What are you doing about that boy?" prompted Faith as she eyed her daughter warily, as though she had read her daughter's thoughts.

"Which boy?"

"The one you spent more time with this summer than your own family. The one you think is dreamy and cute and just _perfect_," Mrs. Evans teased, filling the bottom of her daughter's cauldron with socks so as to conserve space.

"Oh right," Lily said, unsure of the right answer. What _were _she and Christian going to do during the year? He suggested they continue dating, owling each other daily, but Lily frankly did not know that she liked Christian enough to maintain a long distance relationship. Yes, he was cute. Yes, he was polite. Yes, he was the perfect boyfriend, but at the same time, her stomach did not do flip flops around him. Her heart did not jump to think of him, and while Lily did not want to admit it, Sam's negative opinion of him had really been the beginning of the end.

"So you won't be seeing each other during the school year?" Mrs. Evans inquired as she finished filling the cauldron and moved to position it in the trunk.

"I don't know what to do, Mum." Lily rolled over on her bed and threw a pillow over her head.

"Break it to him gently."

"But he's so right for me. He's everything I need, Mum. Everything I should want."

"But not everything you _actually_ want," said Mrs. Evans, putting down the parchment she was organizing and moving to sit on her daughter's bed. She softly stroked Lily's hair. "And that's all right. You're young."

"I don't know why I don't want to keep seeing him, Mum. I have no idea,"

"Is it because you think you're interested in someone else?"

"No!" spat Lily too quickly, too loudly. Her mother shook her head but said nothing.

"All right," Faith said.

"He bought me a necklace," Lily said, pulling the charm out from under her blouse.

"That's lovely," whispered Faith as she leaned forward and took it into her hand. And it was true. The necklace _was _gorgeous, and a very thoughtful gift. He said he noticed the way she always played with her necklace and wanted to get her one that would last. The charm was a phoenix that looked varying shades of red throughout the day.

"I hate that I'm bored of him," Lily said.

"Bored of him?"

"Well, that isn't exactly what I mean. It's just that when I see Ian and him coming up the walk, it's Ian that I am excited to see because we have so much fun together. Christian and I, we don't ever laugh."

"You don't laugh?"

"No. He just. He isn't—" _James, _Lily wanted to say. She groaned, grabbed a pillow and tried to smother herself to death with it. Why did she have to compare Christian and James? Why couldn't she accept the boy who came by every day at five for a walk? Why couldn't she love the way he asked if he could hold her hand? Why couldn't his polite conversation be enough?

**-----**

The end of the first day of classes—the third day back at school—found Lily lying around an armchair in the corner of the common room. Her legs dangled off the armrests as she stared half-heartedly at her Potions's book, not really bothering to read.

Actually, she _should_ have been studying. She should have been pouring over her notes from the last five years, not to mention memorizing the entire book. According to Professor Darcy, that was the only way to even begin to prepare for the N.E.W.T.s. The tests were two years away and professors were already making Lily nervous about them; the sixth years would have pre-N.E.W.T. exams at the end of the year—a staff-run version of the real exams. Add to that the stress of designing her seventh year independent project by the end of March-- a project required of all students that allows them to study the subject of their choice in depth—and it resulted in a lot of stress piled onto Lily on the first day of classes.

To tell the truth, Lily was not really thinking about school. Actually, the thought hardly crossed through her mind except in passing. Mainly she let herself daydream, thoughts ranging from the realm of her desire to play a little football to thoughts of writing with a ballpoint pen. Occasionally she reflected upon her sister with bitterness and her teachers with little less than scorn.

Why did they want her to do so _much_? Why didn't they consider that maybe she had not spent her summer revising? Why didn't they ever suppose that she spent her time kicking a football and dating an _extremely _good-looking wizard who did not understand the concept of a traffic light?

Laughter brought her back into realty and she looked over at the source of the noise: a large group gathered in front of the portrait hole (blocking it, of course). Upon closer examination, Lily saw Tracy conversing with the rest of the Quidditch team. Her dull blue eyes gave off an impression that screamed _angel! _which contrasted sharply with her skill with a beater's bat and bludger. She was not malicious, just extreme gifted at hitting a magical ball at people's heads.

Another ripple of laughter passed through the group and split them enough that Lily could see the source of the noise: James Potter. She turned her eyes away. The last thing she needed was anyone seeing her staring at the boy.

Not that she was spiteful (well, okay, maybe a little), but the Quidditch team had barely spoken to one another the year before. They hardly worked like a team the previous year: the keeper kept things out of the hoops but never passed the quaffle back to the chaser in the best position; the chasers could hardly pass to one another without a mistake being made (a quaffle bouncing off a bludger they had not anticipated or a person thinking they were being passed to and when the ball ailed over them, trying to jump off the broom for it); the beaters hit the bludgers at whichever player on the opposite team seemed to be flying quickly (which resulted in many hurt seekers and many occasions with both bludgers were aimed at the same person); and the seeker caught the snitch regardless of whether it meant winning the game or not. Admittedly, that might have been the reason that were trounced by all the other teams, but why were they so chummy all of the sudden?

"Hey, Lily, you going to rejoin the world of the living anytime soon?" asked a voice next to Lily's head, making the redhead start. She had been very immersed in her thoughts.

"I _am_ in the world of the living," Lily said, addressing the person who was now leaning against the back of Lily's chair. Looking up at the speaker, Lily saw a face she could recognize in the dark: that of her best friend Samantha Caldwell.

"You're in some world, but it isn't the one I'm in," Sam commented. While Lily lay ungraciously across the chair, Sam looked regal leaning against the same piece of furniture. Sam _always_ managed to seem regal. Lily sort of hated her for that.

"I'm right here," Lily said stubbornly, refusing to acknowledge that she had let her mind wander she scrunched up her face into a look of complete childish petulance.

"And there's that lovable face I have come to know and love." Sam grabbed Lily's chin and wiggled it around until Lily broke free and glared daggers at the black-haired girl. "You love me."

"I doubt that."

"Then why am I your best friend?" Sam asked condescendingly.

"Eat worms," Lily snapped. Sam blinked.

"What?"

"Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why don't you go eat worms," Lily sang quickly, reciting a teasing song her mates in primary school used to sing. "Eat worms is short for 'nobody likes you.'"

"You're barmy, you know that?" Sam asked. "Most people don't make up songs about worms." Lily shook her head sadly. These poor, poor magical-born fools.

"Why exactly are we friends?" Lily asked.

"Because I'm pretty?"

"Try again, Ugly," Lily replied, though in fact her friend really was quite good-looking with her black almond eyes and hair.

"Because my marks are outstanding?" Sam continued.

"Mine are better," Lily quipped. She didn't actually know if this was true, but Sam got the idea. "And those are your best attributes, so you're screwed."

"Then why are we friends, exactly?"

"Mainly because of the five galleons your family sends me at the beginning of each month."

"And I _told _them not to bribe anyone until _seventh _year," Sam bounced back.

"You'll have to talk with them about that," Lily replied, lounging back down across the chair-- her red hair falling almost to the floor. She ran her hand through it, enjoying the feel of it today. Laughter echoed through the room once more and Lily did not have to move to know where it came from.

"When did Tracy become so friendly with the team?" Lily asked, changing the subject quickly and not caring.

"Since July."

"What happened in July?"

"Nancy Adams became Quidditch captain and decided the team needed some reshaping. So she basically forced them all to stay at her house and practicing on her family's pitch."

"How did she force them to do that?"

"Said that no spot on the team was guaranteed, that everyone would have to try out again this year if they wanted to be on the team. It was supposed to form team cohesion. All it did was ally them all against her."

"How long were they there?"

"Almost two months. I'm surprised you didn't notice Tracy's absence. You live rather close to one another."

"I was preoccupied," Lily said shortly.

"Your were busy with Rebound Boy-"

"His name is Christian."

"You were so busy with him that you did not notice her lack of letters over the holidays, did not bother to write her often enough, or did not care enough to notice a lack of returning owls. And now we've been in school for three days and you have not managed to ask one of your best friends how her summer went?"

"I vaguely recall getting a few letters about it and James Potter talked to her when we went to Diagon Alley, but I didn't think anything of it. She's Tracy. People like her."

"Her brother isn't such a fan."

"Matt? Are you kidding? They're best friends."

"No, no. I meant Will. He's an obnoxious little first year," explained Sam.

"I take it he and Chad aren't the best of mates?" Lily asked. Chad was Sam's younger brother-- the one to whom she had given her frog at the beginning of the year-- and a first year like Will McGrath, Tracy's younger sibling.

"That's the problem. They _are_. Stupid Ravenclaws."

"Actually. I heard they're supposed to be highly intelligent."

"Shut it, you. Why don't you go back to thinking about N.E.W.T.s or Petunia or James Potter?"

Lily tensed up. Sam knew she did not like talking about James or her crush on that moron. Ever. And for Sam to imply that Lily thought about him at all after she'd promised Sam she would move on this past summer-- that was just ridiculous. Like she would let him occupy even a single thought in her head simply because he was smart, funny, good-looking, clever, and… basically perfect. Frick. She _had _to stop thinking like that. He was also obnoxious, bigheaded, and cruel to his fellow students. He had made a _fool _of her last year. He was not perfect. He was not perfect. He was… anything but perfect. Please let him be anything but perfect.

"Is it that bad, Lily?" Sam inquired, taking her silence to mean more than Lily wanted it to mean.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lily said stubbornly, letting herself fall even further to towards the floor and enjoying the sensation of blood rushing to her head.

"Is he in all of your classes?" Sam asked, neither getting the hint nor letting the stupid subject go away.

"Practically."

"And that upsets you because you like looking at him and feel you aren't being loyal to Rebound Boy?" Sam pressed. Lily snorted.

"Christian and I broke up."

"Oh," Sam said. Lily did not need to lift her ever-heavier head to know she was smirking.

"Your concern is overwhelming."

"I never liked him. I don't have to pretend to be upset."

"Yes you do."

"Why? _You_ don't seem very upset." Sam asked, moving to sit on the floor in front of Lily's upside-down face. Lily's eyes were beginning to feel the pressure and so she rolled over and, draping her arms in front of her. Then she addressed her friend.

"Of course I'm upset; I was with him for months."

"But…" Sam pushed.

"But what?"

"But why did you break up with him?"

"How do you know he didn't end it?"

"You're avoiding the question."

"What question?" Christine O'Connell, the fourth and final female Gryffindor sixth year, asked. Her sudden entrance caused both Lily and Sam to turn towards her. In Lily's case, she turned a bit too quickly and fell off the chair. And before Lily could right herself, Sam began talking.

"About why Lily broke up with the Dufus."

"You broke up with Hottie?" Christine exclaimed, quickly walking over to be closer to her two friends.

"Why can't anyone call him by his proper name?" Lily moaned as she pushed herself onto her hands and crawled back into her chair.

"Was he a bad kisser?" Christine asked. The tall, gorgeous blonde believed relationships to be a means to an end, something that was okay unless it became boring. Then it had to end. Quickly.

"No!" Lily exclaimed. "I just-- it just-- I didn't want a long distance relationship." Christine nodded, understanding the need to end a relationship that would tie Lily to a boy she could never see.

Meanwhile, Sam was obnoxious and said, "I think you're lying."

"What?" Lily asked, shocked.

"That isn't why you put an end to it," Sam said.

"Then why did I break up with an absolutely gorgeous boy?" Lily asked, not really knowing the answer herself.

"You fancy someone else!" Christine exclaimed. Sam smirked, thinking she knew not only that that was true, but also who it was that Lily fancied.

"No I don't!" Lily yelled, and this time her loud words carried throughout the room and caused more than a few pairs of eyes to turn towards her. Christine, who was notorious for being stubborn, single-minded, and not caring what anyone thought of her, did not notice the attention. Sam, not liking attention in any way, ignored them. Lily waved and smiled at the room as a whole, as if to pretend that she had meant to get their attention.

"Who do you fancy?" Christine pressed, definitely not getting the hint.

"No one, Christine."

"I don't believe you," the blonde girl said.

"Are you and Rebound staying in touch?" Sam asked, trying to pry information out of Lily while she was defensive and off balance.

"Sort of."

"Sort of?" Sam asked.

"Yes. Sort of."

"Who do you like?" Christine popped in. The two other girls ignored her as she stared thoughtfully at the wall.

"And Christian isn't weeping over the broken relationship?" Sam asked.

"He's a boy," Lily replied, not wanting Sam to know the truth: Christian had been devastated. It made her wince to think about his face when she'd-- no she wouldn't think about that.

"Right."

"Who do you _fancy_?" whined Christine.

"No one," Lily sang. Lily got up, shaking herself off and trying to smooth out the many wrinkles in her robes.

"Why are you avoiding the question?" Sam asked.

"I'm not; I have a prefect meeting to go to," Lily said.

"Ew," Sam and Christine exclaimed together.

"I know." Lily started for the portrait hole.

"Are you still writing Ian?" Sam asked, before Lily had gotten too far. Lily turned.

"Yes."

"Great," Sam exclaimed happily- much more happily than if Lily had said she wrote Christian.

"See you after dinner then," Sam said.

"Wait. Who does she like, Sam?" Lily heard Christine ask before she left the common room.

**-----**

Prefect meetings, it must be noted, were among the most boring, tedious, useless things in the entire world.

Tapping her quill mindlessly against the desktop at which she sat, Lily let her mind wander. Her father, she knew, was on some sort of committee at work that often met to discuss and decide upon important matters. After fifth year she had quietly taken him aside and told him how very grateful she was for his work.

"_Why is that?" Mr. Evans had asked, looking slightly worried._

"_Because I'm now on a board at school and I know how horrible it is, and I'm so sorry that you have to endure that just to be paid, and if you want to quit, I'll understand."_

"_No," he had replied, laughing, "I don't want to quit. Thank you though."_

"_I'm not joking. Honestly. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life. Nothing is accomplished… ever!"_

And that statement was never truer than during the first meeting of the year, when the fifth years were introduced to the idea of what the prefects were expected to do. Lily remembered the meeting the year before-- her fifth year. She had fallen asleep. It had been a blur of graphs and charts and magical parchment from McGonagall. But at least last year, Cleo had been there to interrupt every few minutes with funny commentary. Now it was just Matt (Tracy's brother who had been made Head Boy) and the Head Girl, who Lily was sure had been introduced, though she must have missed it.

Out of the haze of words, Lily vaguely heard her name and looked up to see McGonagall glaring at her. There was complete silence in the room save for the clicking of Lily's quill against the desk. Lily stopped that movement and had the grace to look embarrassed.

"If I was boring you, Miss Evans, you may leave," replied the deputy headmistress in a tone that suggested if Lily left, she would not be taking her head with her.

"No. I'm fine. Your explanation of patrols made my mind wander," Lily replied enthusiastically.

"I have not mentioned patrols yet, Miss Evans." The professor's lips thinned.

"Oh. Well, then, I lied. Or I was joking. Whichever you prefer to believe," Lily announced, smiling.

"Let it not happen again."

"Of course not," Lily said primly. McGonagall nodded curtly and went back to explaining the intricacies of something or other. Lily went back to staring at the wall and tapping her quill.

"If you were a bloke, she'd have thrown you out," Kevin Creggie whispered into Lily's left ear. "That was brave."

Lily rolled her eyes. It had not been brave, it had been an act of desperation. She needed to liven up these meetings. She needed to hear some sort of laughter or shock or _something_ from these stuck up students. She looked around the room, taking in the faces of the students looking so avidly at McGonagall. They were the elite of the school, the children who pushed themselves the hardest, who fought the hardest to prove themselves. They were the children who would kill one another if it bolstered their chances of being Head Girl or Boy.

She did not know what she and Remus were doing here. Well, she knew _why _they were here-- who else could Dumbledore have picked from their year and house?

Samantha Caldwell was most put-together people Lily knew. She would have made a good choice, but she – Lily did not know how to explain it – Sam did not seem to want to be singled out for any reason. She liked the shadows, flourished in them, and probably would have turned down an appointment as a prefect.

Tracy McGrath was a short brunette with dull blue eyes and though she enjoyed being good at things, Quidditch was her life. She would have valued practices more than prefect meetings. More than eating, sleeping, breathing, living, or dying too.

And Christine O'Connell was not what one would call "responsible." Christine never let go of a thought or idea. If something caught her interest it would become her obsession, for a short while at least. She would have blown off patrols and meetings if they bored her, and she wouldn't have understood what was wrong with that.

The boys were even worse. James Potter and Sirius Black would have abused their power to amuse themselves. Peter Pettigrew would never have wanted to take points away from anyone; that boy loathed making enemies.

So Remus and Lily got shacked with the chore and neither seemed to fit in at these meetings. Thank goodness the food was excellent.

As if to bribe the students into coming, the house elves pulled out all of the favourite feast dishes to give to the prefects during these long, long meetings. Often Lily found herself creating games with the food so as to drown out the discussions that never advanced. Once, she had made a miniature of Hogwarts with a combination of five soups, two slices of cake, and a little bread. Lily smiled at the memory.

"Do you find something particularly amusing, Miss Evans?" Damn!

"No, Professor, I was just smiling at the brilliance of your plan for the year," Lily replied immediately.

"Which plan?"

"The one about which you were just speaking."

"And what exactly might that be?"

"I won't bore you with a repeat," Lily said. McGonagall glared some more. _I wonder if she can revoke my prefect position? _Lily thought. But once again she considered who her replacement might be and she decided that McGonagall would not want to take that chance.

But, Lily wondered, would losing her title really be that bad? _Yes, it would._ Though she did not like the actual practical meeting part of the job, Lily loved being a prefect. She loved having power and knowing she used it well. She loved being important and honoured, though she did not like to admit that. She just _really _hated these meetings.

A sudden outburst of noise caught and dragged Lily back into reality. She leaned over to Remus and asked him what was going on. He looked back at her, amused.

"The meeting is over."

"Hallelujah!" A few people nearby laughed at her exclamation. The Transfiguration professor was not one of them.

"Miss Evans, stay behind." McGonagall's sharp tone stopped Lily half way out the door. Lily might not have thought anything of it, but the smirk from Remus – _Remus _– as he walked out the door bothered her to no end. Lily mentally sighed, turned around, and found herself face to face with one of the angriest McGonagall faces. The older woman said nothing until after the last of the fifth years had collected their things and meandered out.

"Would you care to explain your behaviour tonight, Miss Evans?" Lily shook her head, deciding that lamenting about the mundane meetings would rather insult the woman in charge of them. "I expected better of you, Miss Evans. You, as a sixth year, have an obligation to the younger students. You must set an example. Today, you told them that disrespecting professors and daydreaming in prefect meetings is acceptable."

Something inside Lily screamed to protest, to say that she had not been disrespectful. She had just… not paid unnecessary attention. But Lily remained silent.

"I don't understand your attitude in today's meeting."

"Sorry, Professor," Lily said, going through the motions and even feeling a bit badly for seeming to have upset the professor so much.

"I know you must feel overwhelmed because of the new classes, but none of the other sixth years reacted like you."

"Sorry," Lily repeated, not knowing what else to say. McGonagall's lips went thin again and she nodded, indicating that Lily could leave. The redhead grabbed her things and headed for the door, grateful to have gotten away unscathed.

The walk back to the common room was unremarkable. Lily had grown accustomed to the castle these last years (or maybe the castle had grown accustomed to her, she wasn't sure).

"Painful meeting, no?" The voice was surprisingly loud in the empty corridor and made Lily's heart jump. She turned and saw Remus Lupin walking fast to match her pace. When had she passed him?

"Completely pointless," Lily lamented, not wanting to talk about it or McGonagall's request for her to stay behind, or anything really. All she wanted to do was forget the hours of her life that had just been stolen from her by that stupid, stupid meeting.

"I hate those things," Remus said. Why was he talking to her? He never spoke to anyone unless one of his friends was nearby. And he most certainly never spoke to Lily; she knew because she had been trying to get him to converse with her for the past year on their monotonous night patrols. Why didn't he talk to her then (when it was needed) instead of now (when it was not)?

"I wasn't paying any attention, was there anything important discussed?" Lily asked in her most grumpy voice.

"We got the patrol dates."

"Another joy."

"I changed two of them."

"Neat," Lily said, annoyed.

"I just wanted you to know," Remus said. Lily nodded. The portrait hole was in view. "How are things with your boyfriend?"

"What?" Lily exclaimed, shocked that he asked and shocked that he knew she had seen someone over the summer. Christian did not even go to Hogwarts.

"You dated someone over the holidays, right?"

"Yes."

"He goes to Beuxbaton?"

"Right," said Lily uncertainly. "But we broke up."

"Sorry."

"How did you know about him?" Lily asked. Remus shrugged. Great, now he wanted to be quiet. The Fat Lady was in front of them by that point, so Lily said the password ("Schnoogle") and went in.

"I'll see you tomorrow in Defence," Remus said as a way of good-bye.

"I'm not in that class. I failed my O.W.L."

"Oh."

"I hated that class, couldn't do a thing right." Remus nodded and went left as Lily headed back for the door that eventually led to her dormitory.

What an odd day: first her professors convince her that the apocalypse is coming the form of N.E.W.T.s, then Christine implied that she broke up with Christian for someone else, Sam agrees with her, Tracy is suddenly best friends with the stupid Quidditch team, she had to endure those painful hours of the prefect meeting, was reprimanded by a professor, and had a relatively long conversation with Remus Lupin. It was only three days into the term and already things were off course.


	3. Birthday Surprise

**Chapter Five**

**Birthday Surprise**

From first until third year, Lily's friends had worked diligently to make her rise in time for Astronomy class. They poured water on her head, levitated her, sat on her, banished her sheets, and did anything else they could to make her actually wake up. But third year, Lily had fallen under the spell of Astronomy. It was a combination of a lecture about Orion, the professor's soothing voice, the glittering stars dangling like earrings in the sky, and the loud proclamation from James Potter that the subject was beneath him that made Lily want to try her best in that particular class.

As falling asleep in class hindered her ability to properly listen to the lectures or gaze upon the stars, Lily realized she would have to change her sleeping patterns.

So began her Wednesday night vigils- five hours in the evenings before class when Lily refused to sleep, lest she be too tired to properly wake herself up to listen in class. At first, she tried studying in her bed. She fell asleep. Then she tried reading a book in the common room. She fell asleep. She tried practicing flying, but the dark forest looked especially terrifying at night. So she stopped. In the end, Lily discovered the only way to be able to work properly in class was if she spent those night time hours studying or doing various assignments, in the library, in a straight-backed chair that would not let her fall asleep.

Sam, Christine, and Tracy knew of her plans to remain awake and left her to it. They were not as willing to sacrifice sleep for stars. The O.W.L. exams had gratified Lily's efforts with an O, and as Professor Sinistra only accepted students marked Outstanding, Lily found herself in Astronomy with four other students, all from Ravenclaw and Slytherin. None of them, however, shared in her library visits before class.

No. They did not join her in the library, but someone else did.

The first Wednesday of the term found Lily arranging her things on a table to the right side of the library, hidden between two biography shelves. Beside her sat a most unlikely study partner: James Potter. He said nothing as he pulled out the chair. He said nothing as he sat down. Said nothing as he crossed his arms over his chest and waited. In return, Lily said nothing, staring intently at the page in front of her as she tried to guess why in the _world _James Potter was sitting next to her.

She glanced over at him, only to see him looking right back at her. She gasped and turned back to her book. Then glanced over once more and saw him still looking.

"What?" she asked, defensive.

"What what?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow at her.

"What are you doing here?" He was acting too innocent, too good. He was obviously up to something.

"Sitting next to you," he replied.

"Why?"

"Why what?" His innocent act irritated her. A lot.

"Why are you sitting next to me?"

"To make your table that much better," he replied, smirking. Lily growled in irritation and turned back to her books, determined to ignore him. Determined that no matter how many times her eyes wandered over to him, she would not be pulled into talking with him. And while it was easy to not talk to him, as he offered no further words, he was impossible to ignore.

Questions ran through Lily's head, distracting her from studying: Why was he there? Why was he talking to her? Why was he so close to her? Ack. Ack. Didn't he know she had to forget about him? Didn't he know that by sitting next to her he was only prolonging her horrible, horrible crush?

His presence set her on edge, tensed and distracted her, but she would never give him the satisfaction of knowing that. No. No. Lily would look steadfastly at her book and ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him.

"Will you please leave?" Lily finally burst out.

"You don't want me to leave," James said, smirking. Lily almost hit him- hit him for being arrogant and for being right. As distracting as he was proving to be, she wanted to be around him, see him, talk to him, look at him. Ack! Why couldn't she just forget this stupid infatuation she had with him?

"Didn't I make myself clear enough after the Defence O.W.L.?" asked Lily. She saw his face flush, but he deserved it. Why was he harassing her like this? A horrible answer flashed through her mind: he knew about her obsession with him. No. No. He couldn't. No one knew. But then why was he _doing _this?

"I'm not about to ask you out again," James said. "I thought you'd like company."

"I don't," Lily snapped, looking down at the book in front of her. If she expected to hear his chair scrape backward and for him to leave the table, she was in for a long wait. As she sat there, hour after hour, waiting for her midnight class, James Potter sat beside her, not saying a word. It was immensely uncomfortable.

And still she caught herself stealing glances towards him. She needed to stop that!

James Potter, it must be said, was not a heartthrob. Where Christian could have been a model, James never could. Christian's features were perfect: his eyes the bluest blue, his teeth straight and white, cheekbones high, and hair a soft golden colour. James, on the other hand, was too thin, too gangly, and his hair was too wild. A picture of James was not heart stopping to most. Lily was attracted to him- if she was honest with herself, _very _attracted to him- not just because she thought he was incredibly cute, but also because of his edge of intelligence and carefree attitude. But that led to an awkward paradox.

While Lily loved that he understood his classes and wanted to talk with him about the various subjects, she hated that he told everyone how well he understood the lessons. While she loved that he didn't care about certain rules, she hated the fact that he blatantly showed disrespect to authority in general. She loved that he smiled mischievously, but hated the reasons for that smile: torturing Severus Snape, throwing wads of paper at the backs of professors, or he charming "hit me" signs on Slytherins.

Yes, yes, those were the images of James Potter that Lily had to remember. She had to remind herself that James Potter was mean and malevolent and Lily should have gotten over him ages ago.

But that wasn't easy when that evil boy sat quietly beside her for five hours, looking adorable because he never opened his mouth.

** – **

The next Wednesday, James Potter came back. He pulled out the chair to Lily's left and sat in there in silence for five hours. Lily asked no questions, he offered no conversation starters. It made Lily fidget.

If another person sat beside her, she needed noise, conversation, and activity. That was why she never studied or worked in groups, she felt too much need to converse instead of read. By sitting next to her as she struggled to read through books, James was torturing her. She couldn't think of anything but his presence. But she wouldn't let him know that. No, she sat and worked in silence the next Wednesday. And when he came back the next Wednesday and the one after that, she continued to say nothing and he also remained silent.

It drove her insane.

** – **

Lily and Remus shared their first patrol on the fifteenth of September. It was also a long, silent affair.

Through the duration of it, Remus looked varyingly like he was getting over a bad cold (which might have been the case as Lily had not seen him in classes for two days previous) and like he wanted to ask her a question. Lily wished he would just ask her the question so that they could begin talking, and she could eventually ask him why the _hell _his best friend James was intruding upon her Wednesdays.

She could have asked him if James had mentioned why he sat with her without saying a word, how he knew about her studying habits, and whether or not Remus could convince him to leave her alone. But, in the end, they returned to their common room with not a single word spoken between them. The highlight of the boring night had been finding two third years in an awkward position behind a suit of armour.

Lily was beginning to dread her time spent with either boy-- Remus because he _never _spoke during patrols, making the already-boring task painfully dull; and James because he said nothing and so she had no choice but to feel uncomfortable and glance at him a thousand times in one night, reminding herself how cute he was and hating herself for thinking about that fact.

** – **

With the tedium of prefect meetings, ever-harder classes, silent patrols, games of night tag, and uncomfortable Wednesday nights, the first month of school passed by. From the hot, smouldering days of September came October and thoughts of Halloween. At the urging (and vending) of James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, flashes of orange and black clothing cropped up all over the castle. Girls wore orange ribbons in their hair and the boys threw orange streamers across the hallways. Filch, of course, was in an uproar and everyone was happy with his reaction.

Lily's and Remus's next patrol was scheduled for the twelfth of October, but Remus switched with the Ravenclaw fifth years and it fell on the twentieth of October, a Thursday.

Having discussed it with Sam, Tracy, and Christine before, Lily set out into this patrol with a determination to speak at least a little with the reclusive boy. She could not handle two silent nights in a row. They had been in the same classes for over five years. They lived in the same house, celebrated the same holidays. They were sure to have _something _to talk about.

"How are you feeling about Halloween?" she asked boldly. She knew practically nothing about this boy with light brown hair and worry lines etched in his forehead.

"What?" he asked, his eyes half-open as they passed through yet another empty corridor.

"Are you excited about Halloween?"

"Oh. Yes," he responded. Never one to except defeat, Lily pressed on with her questions.

"Are you doing anything with your friends?"

"We aren't planning any pranks." Bad question to ask, obviously. She pressed on.

"No. That's not what I was wondering. My friends and I are leaving for a Muggle village nearby. Tracy's aunt lives there. She married a Muggle. We're going trick-or-treating."

"Oh."

"We're dressing up and everything. Have you ever done that?"

"Once," he replied. Feeling encouraged by an answer, Lily continued.

"What did you dress up as?"

"A turtle, I think."

"Was it fun?"

"I don't remember that well. I was young."

"Well, I'm dressing up as a princess. Sam- Samantha Caldwell- says she already knows what she wants to be, but won't tell me. Tracy's going as a football player. Christine wanted to go as a Muggle and we had to explain why that wouldn't work." A bark of laughter from Remus caught Lily off guard. She looked over at him and smiled. "What would _you _go as?"

"I don't know." They turned a corner, pictures protesting the bright light emitted by their badges.

"Guess."

"A goblin, maybe."

"After all their revolts, they must be interesting, right?" Lily quipped. "Uric the Oddball, at the very least, had to be interesting."

"Yeah," he said, an energetic edge in his voice. "And Glenda the Grouchy was horrible."

"I know!" Lily exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "That woman- or goblette or whatever- was a complete nutcase. As if trying to burn Uric weren't bad enough, she had to bury him alive."

"And he enjoyed it," laughed Remus. Lily looked over at him, laughing too.

"I never thought about it, but I suppose you're one of the people who received an O in that subject," Lily agreed, lighting her wand to peak down a side corridor. "Too bad Hogwarts insists that every student, regardless of O.W.L.s, take it."

"You wouldn't want to take it?"

"No. I would," Lily replied. She too had received an O. "I might prefer some others not be there, though."

"Everyone should know history."

"I know, but sometimes they make it hard for me to learn."

"Who?" he asked. Lily carefully forgot to answer. This was the longest conversation she had ever had with her prefect partner (actually it was probably only the second conversation she'd had with him, the first being after that first meeting) and she did not want to ruin it by insulting his friends.

"I don't know why they make us patrol the school at night, it isn't like it does any good," complained Lily a few minutes later as they started us the stairs towards the Divination Tower. "It isn't like students can't notice the bright badges they make us wear."

"The badges give off light to aid us in our walking," Remus recited.

"And to warn off any students we might actually have a chance of catching."

A glance at Remus told Lily everything she needed to know. A slow smile was resting on his lips and his eyes focused on nothing. He'd obviously spent a great deal of his time running from prefects' light. Well, she had too, but she was not as obvious about it.

Remus was an oddity in that way. Sometimes Lily could read the emotions on his face like a billboard, and other times, like tonight, something Lily could not identify glistened in his eyes. It was something she saw quite a bit in Remus Lupin, something she hated because she could not put a name to it.

In a few years, Lily will be able to name that thing in his eye. She will fall asleep with it creating disturbing images in her mind. It will wake her up in the middle of the night and make her move closer to the solid presence beside her. It will force her to check on her baby, get up for work, and cry only when alone. It will make her fight against evil with her very soul. It is knowledge: knowledge that the world is not perfect, that death comes to everyone, that good friends are not immune to temptation, and that the fall of enemies is neither easy to accept nor bring about. It is a mix of the knowledge that sometimes there are things beyond your control and the strength to accept that fact.

Lily returned from her patrol tired. After their initial bout of conversation, Lily and Remus fell silent once more and the energy drained out of Lily as the night dragged on. Trudging up to her dorm, Lily undid her orange hair ties and the buttons on her heavy cloak, holding it dangling over her right arm so as to escape the heat it brought on her. The door to her room creaked when she shoved her shoulder against it to open it, and then bright lights and loud noises assaulted her.

"Happy birthday to Lily. Happy birthday to Lily," sang the three girls in the magically brightened room. Each held in her hands a large cake of varying colours. As the song continued, Lily started laughing and went to hug each of her friends, thanking them.

"It's midnight. That means you're seventeen. It's a really big important day," Christine said, handing Lily one of the most disgusting-looking cakes the redhead had ever seen. It looked like someone swiped their finger across the frosting. A lot.

"This is the most disgusting looking cake I've ever seen."

"The frosting looked really tasty," whined Christine, looking guilty. Then Tracy and Sam both gave her their cakes and smiled.

"We had the house elves make them, but we watched," Tracy explained.

"No you didn't," accused Lily. "There is no way in _hell _any of you would voluntarily watch a cake being made."

"True," said Christine, nodding her head. When the two other girls looked at her in exasperation she exclaimed, "What? We wouldn't!" Lily laughed and put her cakes on the ground.

"Listen, I'm really grateful and everything, but I'm also-" a yawn interrupted her words- "knackered and need my sleep for tomorrow."

"Why, what's happening tomorrow?" asked Tracy in her most innocent voice.

"My surprise party."

"True," agreed Christine from her place on the floor beside the cakes. She managed to get herself a fork and was munching happily away on the two edible-looking cakes.

"Christine!" exclaimed the other two.

"What? She knew!"

Lily smirked as she changed out of her clothes and into her night things. She was safely tucked away in her bed, about to slip off into a wonderfully relaxing dream state when the arguments of her friends grabbed her attention again.

"I didn't tell her about the surprise, did I?" Christine asked, sounding huffy. Lily sat up.

"What surprise?"

"You suck at secrets," Sam said to Christine.

"Who care? Focus on Lily. It's her birthday. What's the surprise?" Lily said in a rush.

"Oops?" Christine said, popping another piece of cake into her mouth. Tracy pulled out her wand and vanished the remainder of the three cakes. Christine looked shocked and then very sad as she continued to stare at the place where the cakes once were. "I wasn't done."

"Surprise!" said Tracy mockingly.

"But I wasn't done!" pouted the leggy blond girl still hunched over on the floor, looking very sad indeed.

"What's my surprise?" inquired Lily, trying and failing to sound casual. Seeing that no one was about to respond to her inquiries, she decided to become annoying. "What's my surprise? What's my surprise? What's my surprise? What's my surprise? What's my surprise? What's my surprise?"

"That's already annoying," quipped Sam, sitting down in the middle of her four-poster (the one opposite Lily), stretching.

And so the night crept by as Lily kept pestering them for answers, Sam ignoring her, Tracy glaring at Christine, and Christine still complaining about her vanished cakes.

** – **

The surprise, as it turned out, was one of the worst in Lily's short life. Her birthday landed on a Friday and, as none of the girls slept, they were dead tired. And irritable.

"What's my surprise?" barked Lily, way past merely asking and now into full frontal badgering.

"Do you think that is less annoying now than it was _before _the sun rose?" asked Tracy in a very snippy voice. They were sitting at breakfast together- along with the rest of their house. Lily and Tracy sat opposite each other with Christine and Sam next to them respectively.

"Lily, listen, I'll tell you what my surprise is," said Sam as she took a few pieces of bacon.

"_Your _surprise?" Lily asked.

"We each got you one. Mine is this," Sam explained, handing Lily a box. Carefully unwrapping it, Lily lifted the lid and-

"Sam!" she squealed loudly, throwing off the packaging and holding up an orange blob. "This is _perfect_."

"What is the world is that?" Tracy asked, poking the blob with her spoon across the table.

"It's a Muggle Halloween costume. The lady in the store said it was perfect for a seventeen year old girl."

Lily, while they were talking, had put on the costume and was now a perfectly content pumpkin, beaming at her friends across the Gryffindor table. The pumpkin (which was the orange blob that was actually a round almost-dress that fell to her knees) had a smiley face on it and sagged a little around the middle, but the white gloves on her hands, black booties on her feet, and elastically attached orange top hot managed to make Lily- who was naturally stunning- looking positively stupid. She also looked adorable.

"Halloween fever just exploded into an epidemic," Sirius Black announced on the other side of the table.

"It'll kill the children, it will," James Potter agreed.

Lily heard him, felt a sharp pang of embarrassment but pushed it away, angry with herself for giving him so much power of her. No other person in her year or house could manage to hurt her the way James could. Why his opinion should mattered to her, she did not know. Sam, Christine, and Tracy were too tired to care that their friend looked ridiculous. Even if they were coherent, they would not have said anything. Actually, they probably would have created costumes of their own and joined in the fun.

"So what's _your _surprise?" Lily asked Christine. Just as she was about to say something, Tracy covered her mouth with her hand. Lily spun on the smaller girl. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because mine is better," Tracy said casually. "So you can have mine now, if you want."

"Yes!" Lily said, clapping her glove-covered hands together in childish delight. So Tracy brought an envelope out from under the table. Lily ducked under to see if there was anything in Christine's lap. There wasn't.

"Here you are," Tracy said, tossing to her across the table. Lily opened this one a bit slower, took out the letter and carefully read it over. Her friend, being strange and prone to adventure, had sent Lily a treasure map. It was filled with clues and strange symbols that were meant to signify different points throughout the castle. It would be very fun to figure out.

"This is so cool! Thank you," Lily said, smiling at her friend. Tracy always had been the creative one. Christine came up with the big ideas and Tracy made them work- Christine had been the one to think of playing a game at night and two weeks later Tracy handed all four of them the rules to magical laser tag.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll love the buried treasure." Her tone scared Lily, who knew exactly what sort of thing Tracy's devious mind could create.

"So, Christine, can I have your surprise yet?" Lily asked. Christine looked surprised to be addressed.

"What?"

"My surprise?"

"What surprise? Oh! That one. Of course you can have it. He's right over there," she said, pointing behind Lily. At her words, Lily's heart dropped a little and she almost knew before looking what she would see. Christine, for all of her wonderful bluntness, was rather thick about certain other things. Still, she turned because she knew she had to and there she saw-

"Christian," Lily whispered.

"Hottie!" chirped Christine.

"Oh no," groaned Tracy at the same time. If Lily hadn't been overrun with shock, she would have noticed the way Tracy's eyes shot over to James.

"Is that who I think it is, Christine?" Sam asked, staring at him.

"Yep."

"Why would you _ever _invite him here?" Tracy continued as Lily wordlessly rose and walked towards the smiling boy.

"Don't worry. I asked Professor Dumbledore's permission," Christine said.

"I don't think that's what she meant," Sam put in. Together the three of them sat- one happy and the other two feeling dread for different reasons- as they watched the reunion of Lily and Christian.

** – **

"Hi," Lily said, hugging Christian because she did not know what else to do. In his embrace, Lily was reminded of kissing him on her front porch, walking with his through the park, teaching him to roller-skate. But in the stiffness of his arms, the way he quickly stepped out of her embrace, she felt the distance she had put between them. He still felt hurt by her rejection and that crushed Lily, making her dread the coming day.

"Where's my hug?" asked a voice to Lily's left, making her glance over and see one of the most welcome sights in her life:

"Ian!" she exclaimed, almost sighing in relief to have someone to share this day with besides her ex-boyfriend. He stepped forward, smiling, and she hugged him.

"Hullo," Ian said as she let him go.

"What're you doing here?" Lily asked them both.

"Christine O'Connell asked me to come celebrate your birthday." Christian's formal tone unnerved Lily. "And Ian asked if he might come too."

"How long are you staying?"

"Our Portkey leaves at four."

"So you'll be coming to my classes with me? That'll be fun. You can tell me what's different, what's the same," Lily said, trying to sound enthusiastic as she ran her timetable over in her head.

"What are you wearing?" asked Christian, seeming to notice for the first time. Lily looked down.

"A pumpkin costume," she replied.

"Why?"

"Because it's almost Halloween and Sam gave it to me for my birthday."

"Oh."

"A little too enthused about candy, aren't you?" Ian asked. Lily smiled and nodded at him as Christian looked confused, then hurt. Lily's heart almost broke at the sight.

"We skipped breakfast to come here. Do you think we could eat with you?" Ian asked, sensing the tension. Lily glanced at him, then back at Christian, and nodded. As she led the two boys back over to her table, Lily was glad to see Ian smile at all the strangers looking at him, and dismayed to see Christian looking only at her. She was glad to have Sam in nearly all of her Friday classes. She could share in the awkwardness of the day.

And boy was that day awkward.

** – **

Christian and Ian followed Lily around, the latter asking eager questions about the stairs and suits of armour and classes and even Moaning Myrtle, while the former said nothing. Every able-bodied girl in the school tried to pull Lily away from them to ask a hurried question about his availability. Lily ignored all of them.

Introducing Christian and Ian to the Charms class had been interesting. While Professor Flitwick eagerly asked both of them to talk about Charms after class, the students' eyes locked on Lily and asked the unspoken question, "How do you know Christian? Who is he to you?" She ignored those eyes and managed to do little less than panic as she tried to learn. It was her birthday for Heaven's sake, and it was terribly stressful. Christine could be _such _an idiot.

** – **

"You are learning about transfiguring large animals into other large animals?" Christian asked during Transfiguration. Lily stiffened at his tone. She loved this school and this castle, she didn't want to have anyone complain about it.

"We are just ending those lessons now, and soon we'll be working on--"

A small explosion in the back of the room interrupted her explanation. Lily turned to see Ian covered in black soot, laughing. He was squashed between James Potter and Sam, with Tracy on the other side of James. All of them were laughing. It was such a strange mix of people that it took a moment for Lily to realize the feeling rattling around in her stomach was jealousy. She wanted to be a part of that group, strange a mixture as it was, instead of stuck here with Christian as he analyzed the lessons.

Why was it so easy for Ian to become friends with Sam? Sure, they met back in August, but they had hardly spoken. And where had Sirius disappeared to after breakfast that he hadn't been in lessons all day? And why were Sam, Tracy, and Ian sitting so comfortably with James? Why? She hadn't even sat in the same part of the room as him in years. Why was she so absolutely incapable of- of what? Being near James? Didn't he sit next to her every Wednesday, waiting for her to ask him questions?

"You were going to tell me what your next lesson would be," Christian prompted, pulling Lily from her pitying thoughts. She turned to him, admired his good looks, and tried to force herself to be happy to see him again, instead of wallowing in the awkwardness of the entire situation.

"Right. Sorry." And so she turned back to the boy whose heart she had broken, the boy she thought she had left behind, the boy who had never really managed to keep her from thinking about the boy she _really _wanted to be with.

Lunch was another uncomfortable affair, squashing Lily between Christian and Christine. How she would have loved for Ian to be sitting next to her instead of on the other side of the table, chatting with some first years about the moving staircases. He impressed her housemates with his use of the French language, and they impressed him by throwing an apple at the head of a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, Christian sat in silence next to Lily.

When the day finally came to an end, Lily led Christian and Ian to Professor Dumbledore's office to take their Portkey back to Beauxbaton. There, while Lily prepared to say goodbye, Christian asked if he might speak with her alone. Lily nodded and let him lead her into a corner, then listened to him speak.

"My family was invited to a Ministry Ball on New Year's Eve and I was hoping you would escort me," Christian said.

"A ball?" Lily asked, for lack of anything better to say. Did he really want to spend more time with her? Was he really that oblivious to the uncomfortable tension that settled on them all day? Did he want to prolong the pain? Was this his way of getting back at her for breaking up with him?

"Yes. It's to celebrate the promise of the New Year under the Minister-elect. It'll be a nice party. I understand that we're no longer anything more than friends but-"

"I'd love to accompany you," Lily said, trying to head-off an even more horrible conversation about the new boundaries of their relationship. Even at that moment, Lily knew she should not have agreed. She did not want to go with him. She would probably not enjoy the experience, but he smiled beautifully in response, nodded, and moved back to the centre of the room where Dumbledore and Ian waited for them.

Christian went over to the headmaster, shook his hand and began to say his thanks. In the meantime, Ian hugged Lily.

"I had a great time. It doesn't look like you did, though," Ian said, stepping back and facing her.

"Don't worry," Lily said miserably, glancing over to make sure that Christian wasn't listening.

"Did he ask you to the Ball?"

"You knew he would? You knew and you didn't tell me?" Ian shrugged. "Couldn't you have at least warned me a little."

"Hey, he's my friend and I thought taking you would be a great idea. Why wouldn't it be?"

"For a billion reasons that I really shouldn't have to explain. You could have stopped this. You could have warned me, or hit him over the head with a large object. Anything!"

"You might have fun."

"Sure," muttered Lily, accepting defeat. Ian patted her on the head.

"I expect to have many owls from Hogwarts in the coming months. Remind James and Samantha to write me as well," Ian said.

"Wait. Why?"

"Because they said they would," Ian replied. "And the next time I see you, I expect you to be dressed up as something a little more inventive than a pumpkin. Happy birthday!"

"Oh. Yes. Happy birthday, Lily. It was a pleasure," Christian said, joining Lily and Ian moments before their Portkey activated and sent them far, far away.

After the boys left, Lily thanked the headmaster for letting them come and walked back to her dorm in a daze, trying to sort through all the thoughts disco dancing in her head. Why had she agreed to go to the ball? Why had she said yes?

Shoving the portrait open wide, Lily marched in to find Christine laying in front of the fire, her toes moving pleasurably close to the flames.

"Why would you do that to me?" exclaimed Lily from halfway across the room. If she cared to notice, the room stopped and stared at her (and not just because she was still in that silly costume).

"What?" asked Christine, rolling her head to the side to see Lily.

"Why would you have invited him here?" Lily asked as she walked across the room, only to stand above her friend.

"Hottie?"

"Christian!" she replied, burying her head in her hands.

"Oh. I thought it would be a nice present."

"But you knew we broke up!"

"So? That doesn't make him any less of a present." Lily threw her hands up into the air and screamed out her frustration. The room stopped and stared again. This time Lily noticed.

"I'm seventeen! Yay!" she yelled with fake-happiness, trying to cover up her strange yell. When she saw a few first years looking at her, she said, "And I am equally happy that you are eleven."

"I'm twelve," one of the first years called back.

"Yes. You are!" she yelled and started clapping.

"You're insane," came the voice of Sam, making Lily start. She turned to find the black-haired girl sitting on one of the couches nearby. "How did the good-byes go?"

"Horribly. I am now officially going on a sort of date with Christian," Lily mumbled, settling down into a vacant chair beside her two best friends.

"Ew. Why?" asked Sam.

"Because he's gorgeous," supplied Christine, relaxing back into a position where she rested her head on her arms.

"Why did you invite him?" Lily asked Christine, then turned to Sam and asked, "Why did you _let _her invite him?"

"I didn't know what she was doing. Neither did Tracy."

"Well, isn't that just perfect?" lamented Lily.

"When's the date?" asked Christine.

"New Year's Eve."

"What?" the two girls exclaimed together, both turning to look at her with abject horror covering their faces. Christine was the first to regain her voice.

"Tracy's party is that night."

"Ah!" moaned Lily. "I forgot. I can't believe I forgot. She's been planning that for months."

"What can't you believe you forgot?" asked Tracy, walking up behind the three girls and looking suspicious. For a five foot two inch girl with an innocent face and easygoing personality, she sure did inspire fear when she wanted. It was the beater in her.

"I made a date with Christian on New Year's Eve," Lily explained. To her surprise, Tracy's face didn't change one bit.

"I thought you weren't going out."

"We aren't," Lily said. Then she proceeded to explain the situation as Tracy meandered over to the couch Sam was on and sat down.

"Wait. New Year's Eve Ball? You're invited to the Ministry Ball," proclaimed Christine with large eyes and her most serious voice. Lily shrugged and nodded. "You _have _to go."

"But Tracy's been planning this party and I don't really want to go with Christian and lead him on-"

"You don't understand. Only the most powerful, important, famous, fabulous people go to that Ball. There are journalists who wait outside the exit for days on the off-chance of speaking to one of the guests," Christine said quickly. "Wow." The tall blonde girl's brown eyes unfocused as she stared into the fire. She seemed to be daydreaming and Lily resisted the urge to wave a hand in front of her friend's eyes.

"She's overreacting, right?" Lily asked her two other friends. Tracy shook her head.

"I don't know as much about it as Christine because she follows these sort of things as if they could grant her top box tickets to the World Cup, but even I know that this Ball is an event. It's held at the Crystal Ball, right?" Sam nodded. "You can't even get in there without a Portkey. My parents had to make reservations a year in advance for their anniversary."

"You're exaggerating," Lily accused.

"Slightly," acknowledged Tracy. "But it is an exclusive restaurant and the party is even more prestigious. I'll excuse you from my party for this. Easy."

"I don't want to be excused from your party."

"Then why did you except the date?"

"Because I wasn't thinking."

"That's obvious," quipped Sam.

"I have a friend going to the Ministry Ball," muttered Christine as she rose from her spot and wandered off towards their dorm.

"I don't know that I want to go to a such an important Ball," said Lily.

"You'll be fine. Come to Tracy's earlier that day and we'll dress you up," offered Sam.

But still doubts lingered in Lily's mind. Sam- who came from an old, powerful wizarding family- might think the Ball was not that big of a deal, but Lily- who potently felt her Muggle roots every moment she spent in the wizarding world- did not want to surround herself with people who thought they were her betters. Tracy's large, raucous party sounded much more appealing. She had invited nearly every student in their year (except the Slytherins), Matt had invited a lot of seventh years, and nearly all of the fifth years had also received invitations.

It was another one of Christine's ideas turned into a reality. She had commented one day that she thought everyone should get together (actually, she had wondered whether it was possible to fit the entire Hogwarts student body into one house) and Tracy offered a forum and structure.

"So Christian coming wasn't a complete mistake after all, was it?" Tracy asked Lily.

"Why not?"

"Because you were invited to the Ball," she replied.

"And because Ian is even more fun than I remember," Sam added.

"He mentioned something about you," Lily said, vaguely remembering even though it was not too long before. "And he mentioned James."

"Oh yes. The two of them hit it off like old friends. It was a bit disturbing."

"Not Remus and Peter and Sirius?"

"Remus is visiting his aunt right now. Sirius was missing all day. And Peter was sitting next to his girlfriend in Transfiguration. On the other hand, James and I had all the free time in the world to chat with him," Sam explained. "While you were trying to keep Bimbo-Boy from complaining too loudly about this beautiful castle, Ian was learning how to make his notes turn into cranes and deliver themselves. Apparently, rule breaking hardly happens at Beauxbatons."

"And it's no wonder with that crazy woman as their headmistress," Tracy said. "She wanted to ban Quidditch."

"Ian thought James was brilliant. He kept asking him questions about this or that and he just lapped it up," Sam continued. Lily felt a stab of that same irrational jealousy surge through her. She wanted to be able to talk to James so easily. She wanted the chance to talk with him at all without blowing up in his face like a fool. She scolded herself. She _had _the chance to talk to him, every Wednesday. What she really wanted was the _ability_ to talk him with.

"Great. He flamed his ego," Lily muttered, taking off her white gloves, booties and hat from the costume before pulling the actual pumpkin costume off as well.

"He isn't that bad," Tracy said. "James has really calmed down."

"I'll believe that when I see Snape walk into the Great Hall for breakfast without some sort of hex on his person."

"But he's so gross," Tracy said.

"He's still human," pressed Lily.

"He's a Slytherin. They are barely human and mostly evil," Tracy continued. It bothered Lily, the way Tracy so easily disregarded Slytherins. She did not even consider inviting them to her party. When they tripped in the hallway, Tracy stepped over them. She treated them with more prejudice than Lily ever felt herself subjected to at their hands.

"You have to admit, some of the pranks he pulled on Snape have been funny," Sam piped in.

"But most of them were cruel."

"No. Most of his ideas are _stupid, _like the way James used to fly down to breakfast," Sam said. Lily let out a burst of laughter, remembering one of James' worst ideas.

"And how he used to ostentatiously bring food into the common room, yelling, 'Sirius, I think we got too much food!' and acting shocked when people asked him where he got it from?" Lily said.

"How about that night you ran into his friends and him when we were playing the Game?" Sam said, laughing along with Lily.

"They were so confused!" Tracy laughed.

"And then the way he threw open the door to our dorm?" The three girls kept giggling, remembering all of the occasions when James Potter tried and obviously failed to look cool in the presence of the female Gryffindors.

"Speaking of which. I can't believe you lost the September game by thirty points, Lily," Sam said, pointing at her redheaded friend.

"I'm only lettingyou _think_ you beat me-"

"In every game since we were thirteen," supplied Tracy.

"So that you feel better about yourselves," Lily finished, ignoring the interruption. The three girls laughed at that, knowing Lily's horrendous scores stemmed from her blatant lack of ability in Defence. While the game had taught them all how to hit a target from over two hundred feet away, Lily could not manage to create a curse with enough energy to actually travel that far. She reeked at curse work. Always had.

"You know, James has gotten better. He's curbed his attitude quite a bit," Tracy said, bridging the gap in conversation with her almost-casual tone.

"No he hasn't," Lily scoffed.

"He has. He's been nothing but polite with me. He works with McGonagall-"

"When no one was looking because he can't ruin his reputation."

"And he's good friends with the house elves."

"I'm not surprised. They probably worship the ground he works on. That's what James looks for in a friend," Lily said. "But I think I made some progress with Remus. We spoke for what had to be five minutes. Or at least two."

"That's more than zero," Sam agreed amicably.

"But seriously, James has-"

"Tracy?" interrupted Sam, knowing that the last person Lily wanted to talk about on her seventeenth birthday was her long-time crush and even longer heartache. "Go hit a bludger."


	4. Costumes

**Chapter Six**

**Costumes**

"I still don't understand why I couldn't just go as a Muggle," complained Christine when the girls began their night of trick-or-treating.

"Because on Halloween you dress up as something you don't actually believe exists," replied Sam. The dark skinned girl looked picture perfect in her witch's costume. She had the floppy hat, wart on the nose, fishnet black stockings, and school robes billowing around her.

When Christine first mentioned wanting to take part in Halloween, Tracy owled a few relatives to find a place to go. After a short period of planning, the four girls decided to forego the feast and celebration at Hogwarts in favour of unlimited tricks and treats. They had asked the Headmaster for permission to visit Tracy's aunt over Halloween weekend, knowing that the woman lived in a Muggle village. But even at this late stage, Christine did not seem to grasp the idea of the holiday.

"What if I didn't believe in Muggles?" Christine asked with an air of triumph.

"Then I would say you're thick," chirped Tracy, dressed in the strangest costume any of them had ever seen.

There was a popular Muggle doll at the moment that none of the girls knew about. The woman at the store assured them it was the perfect costume and, to tell the truth, Tracy did look adorable with her hair in her normal short pigtails, large poke-a-dot red and white coveralls over a white shirt, red and white knee-high socks, white gloves, and black shiny shoes. She even had fake freckles on her nose and cheeks.

"But I believe in witches and Sam is a witch. And I believe in giraffes," Christine pointed out as they headed up the path to the first home.

"Because you look good in yellow," Lily replied, smiling.

In truth, because of her tall stature and the late request from the girls, Christine had to choose between a giraffe and a pencil. Lily thought Christine made the best choice. Lily, of course, dressed up as a pumpkin. While she planned to be a princess, she had grown attached to the silly orange costume on her birthday and now could not bring herself to let it go.

** – **

Tracy's aunt lived in a very nice area. Her neighbours were the type to hand out whole bars of chocolate instead of miniature sizes. Of course, Christine forgot her costume qualms as she made she to try each and every type of sweet at least once.

After four hours and too many houses to count, even Christine realized the folly of her actions.

"I hurt. I hurt so badly," she moaned, clutching her stomach. Lily looked at the sickly girl, but managed to suppress her desire to say I told you so. Sam did not hold back.

"Maybe if you'd listened to us you wouldn't be in this pain," Sam sang, her friend's discomfort amusing her greatly.

"Want to race to the next house?" asked Tracy, bouncing up and down on her toes.

"No! I never want to move again." Christine moaned.

"Guess that means you don't want the rest of your treats," said Lily.

"No, no," Christine protested, making a valiant effort to stop rolling on the floor. "I'll move. I'll move."

"This is the last house anyway," Lily said. "And Tracy, you're on."

The two smallest girls in the group took off like perfectly aimed hexes: red and brown hair streaming behind them. Sam and Christine threw their bags over their shoulders and followed at a much slower pace.

After gathering the last of their winnings, the four friends stumbled into Tracy's aunt's guest room amidst giggles and sugar-highs. They stayed up half the night chatting as they munched on their sweets. The current subject of conversation was the boy who had asked Christine if he could ring her, who Tracy had punched. It took all of Lily's patience to explain that the boy was just chatting her up.

"I wish a bloke would ask me for my number," Lily said, opening another chocolate bar.

"You have Hottie," replied Christine, laying herself down on the middle of the ground and curling up into a ball as she clutched her stomach in pain. She'd eaten more despite herself.

"Are you all right, Christine?" Sam asked, looking at her friend lying so still on the ground.

"I hurt," Christine replied, reaching out to grab her candy bag and drag it toward herself.

"I don't even _want _Christian!" proclaimed Lily as Sam reached out and took the bag away from Christine.

"Well, you aren't going to snag a boy at Hogwarts," mumbled Tracy as she rummaged through her own stash of sweets.

"Why not?" asked Lily, feeling a sharp pang of hurt.

"What?" asked Tracy, pulling her head out of the bag.

"You just said I couldn't find a boy at Hogwarts. Why not?" Lily asked.

"I said that?"

"You did," replied Lily, pressing. "Why couldn't I?"

"Well," began Tracy, "because you've got a bubble."

"A bubble?" questioned Lily.

"A bubble warning off blokes," explained Christine, crawling toward Sam and her bag.

"Why would I have something like that?" Lily asked.

"Dunno." Tracy shrugged as she poked her head back into her bag. "I just heard that you do."

"You're bubbled if a bloke likes you and lets everyone know it," explained Christine

Hours and many different topics later, the four girls laid in various areas around the room, falling asleep. But for Lily, sleep did not and would not come easily.

** – **

"And what's this one taste like?" asked Christine in a loud voice that Monday in Potions. Christine, after a night of stomach problems, refused to eat anything without knowing beforehand what it tasted like. Hence, she was pestering Lily to no end.

"Peppermint," whispered Lily.

Lily knew that it was easier to quiet her friend by answering her questions than ignoring her. Otherwise, Christine, who had absolutely no respect for a classroom setting, would ask the question over and over again until she received a response. The tall blonde girl popped the sweet in her mouth and spit it out.

"Ew!" she squealed. "That did _not _taste like peppermint."

"Shh!" hissed Lily, but it was too late. The professor had turned to face them.

"Would you like to leave, Miss Evans?" Professor O'Malley-- a nice enough man on his own, he was a nutcase about his love of potions and expected everyone else to be as well-- asked Lily.

"No, no thank you, Professor," Lily replied quickly.

"I would think learning about activation potions would interest everyone as they are becoming increasingly common. Household products like window cleaners, faerie sprays, and even pepper-up potions are more and more often made mundane, only to be activated by a preset word, spell, or action--"

"What's _this _one taste like?" interrupted Christine once more. Lily moaned and threw her head down on her hands in frustration. She had hardly slept that weekend and she was suffering the consequences and on top of that, Christine was poking her in the side, asking, "What does it _taste_ like?"

** – **

As she walked towards lunch, Lily felt like her head was about to explode. She was not sure what a migraine felt like, but she was sure Christine O'Connell was the cause of them. She pushed through the throngs of student, apologizing as she went. Then she accidentally knocked a book out of a student's hands.

"Frick. Sorry. I didn't see you," Lily said, bending to pick it up and only managing to knock into the person who bent down at the same moment. She cried out and grabbed her head.

"Sorry," he said. She looked up to smile at him, only to recognize his face and take a step backwards.

"I'm not going to hex you," James Potter said, looking upset by her reaction.

"You would if I were a Slytherin," Lily snapped back, knowing her anger came more from her lack of sleep than him.

"Probably."

"Here," she said, pushing the book she picked up into his arms. "Take your book. It's probably _101 Ways to Curse the Helpless._" Then she turned and continued pushing her way towards the Great Hall. Once there, she grouchily took a seat across from Tracy.

"What happened to you?" Tracy asked.

"Nothing," Lily said shortly. But she saw Tracy's eyes flick towards the door and saw James Potter standing there. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" asked Tracy, putting on her most innocent face. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Looking at him. Just because he's your Quidditch teammate doesn't mean he's perfect."

"He's also my friend," inserted Tracy.

"Whatever." Lily saw Tracy's eyes flash over to James's and grew more frustrated. "He's a bigot and bully."

"He picks on Severus Snape occasionally," Tracy corrected.

If Lily did not know better, she would think Tracy was trying to make Lily like James. Well, too bad for her. Lily was determined to get over this annoying obsession she had with him. The first thing she needed to do was gather the willpower to go somewhere else to study on Wednesdays, or at least to tell him off so severely that he would not come back. The only problem was that she _wanted _him to come back. Argh! Dwelling on this was _not _helping her get over him.

"And he insists on either calling Severus Snape by his last name or that mean nickname. Normal people don't do that. How old were you when you stopped making up mean names for people you don't like?"

"I know that's a bit childish, but I think he has the right sort of idea. The Slytherins are lining up to join ranks with evil," Tracy said. If it had been anyone but Tracy-- Tracy who was one of Lily best friends-- the redhead might have slapped her.

"That's such a _horrible _stereotype!" exclaimed Lily.

"It's not a stereotype when it's true."

"Yes it is!" Lily snapped. "And it's not true!"

"Listen, I don't care. We're both tired and cranky. Why don't we skive off our afternoon classes and relax a bit," Tracy suggested, side stepping an argument like she always managed to do. She held out a hand for Lily to shake, which the redhead did, though reluctantly. When Lily pulled her hand back there was a piece of parchment in it. Before Lily could look up at Tracy, the brunette was gone and Lily was left to read her note alone.

12:00 – 2:45

Fifth floor only before 2:15

And so the Game was on.

** – **

It was the last corridor before the fat lady that caused the problems. It was _always _that last corridor. Lily's watch showed the time to be two thirty-seven and the score on her arm told her she was in second place. If she could make it back to the common room first, she would win. But, as was already mentioned, that last corridor proved to be a problem.

Lily was running as fast as she could around a corner and towards the staircase that led to her common room when a voce halted her movements.

"Stop! Halt!" came the distinctly pompous voice of a prefect. In all of her running, Lily had missed their lighted tags. How could she have been so stupid?

"Lily?" asked a softer voice as the prefect lit their wand and pointed it at Lily. The red head bent and rested her hands on her knees, breathing deeply as she tried to catch her breath.

"Ruth?" Lily asked, hoping she was right.

"What are you doing?" Ruth asked.

"Is your entire _year _trying to sabotage our chances at the house cup?" demanded the first speaker who Lily now identified as Mike. Ruth and Mike were the seventh year Gryffindor prefects.

"What do you mean my whole year?" Lily asked, hoping they had detained Christine, who was in first place.

"We just passed Remus Lupin and his crowd a few corridors back. None of you even bothered to _hide _from us," Mike said. His words meant little to Lily as she saw a glint of movement behind him. She threw herself onto the ground, rolled to her right, aimed and shot the spell at the movement. Even in this poorly lit setting, Lily's aim was perfect. It was the power of the curse that failed her. Sam was hardly stunned.

"What's going on?" Ruth asked, covering her head. "Are we under attack?"

"No. No. Nothing. Don't worry," replied Lily, scrambling up and taking both of them by the hand in order to pull them toward the portrait hole. "Let's discuss this in the tower."

She ran as fast as she could, shouting the password early, but when she entered the room she saw Christine and Tracy panting near the entrance and her heart sank.

Even the scolding of her fellow prefects paled in comparison to the realization that she would not win this game (or even come in a close second). The harsh reminder of her weakness with curses came in the form of the materializing score sheet. All of her points could have been doubled (if not more) had she simply put more power into her curse-work, but she knew it was her weakest area and as she was no longer enrolled in Defence, she doubted she would be getting much better any time soon.

Because of her rank as prefect (and because they abhorred taking points from their own house), no points were taken off and the event went unreported. Lying in her bed that evening, Lily related the story back to her friends.

"The Game could have been ruined. What did they think we were doing?" asked Tracy.

"I have no idea. They seemed more upset about the fact that all of the sixth years were out of bed and roaming around the castle after hours," replied Lily.

"I wonder what the guys were up to," Sam said.

"We could ask them," suggested Christine.

"Then we would have to explain what _we _were doing," Tracy snapped.

Of the four of them, Tracy was strictest about the rules of the Game. It might have stemmed from the fact that she created the rules, but she insisted that knowledge of the Game extend no further than the four of them. That was part of the reason they were forbidden to talk about it aloud except in the dormitory at night. It was also one of the reasons for the odd way they were informed of the Game (Tracy passing each a note with a time period on it). At the appointed time, each girl used the starting charm and the Game was on, the four of them magically connected and the scores glowing on their arms.

Having a set time for the beginning and the end of the Game-- as opposed to each girl simply trying to get to the common room first-- had been Christine's idea, but Tracy had been the one to make the Game truly magical. She had looked up a spell that would safely freeze another person for a short while. Lily had been the one who discovered how to connect the curse with the scoring system. Sam suggested acquiring extra points for being the first back to the common room within ten minutes of the end of the game and penalizing people who did not make it back in the allotted time. Tracy, of course, came up with the no-backs rule that forbid a person to attack a person who attacked them less than five minutes beforehand.

So, in short, the Game had grown from something of a flimsy idea into a well-defined powerhouse of fun.

** – **

The next prefect meeting, held in the middle of November, dragged on and on. Each pair of prefects had to report a problem they had and the group brainstormed ways to deal with said problem. Diana Halbur, the over-enthusiastic Head Girl, had come up with the idea.

Only three pairs of fifth years had spoken and an hour had already passed.

Everyone, it seemed, had a great idea about what or how a problem ought to be fixed. Lily's comments throughout (sometimes sarcastic, always jesting) did not speed up the process, but they managed to make everyone chuckle. In between comments, Lily was sculpting a miniature Hogwarts out of the assortment of foods provided.

Her comments and sculpture went unappreciated by the Head Girl and the female sixth year prefects from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw (the self-proclaimed forerunners in the running for Head Girl). During each discussion the latter pair vied for the most speaking time and the final word. Sometimes, Lily felt like giving each a sword and telling them to duel. It would have been faster and more entertaining than the current situation: twenty-five students stuck in a dinky room listening to them shout at one another.

The current topic came from the Slytherin fifth years. It had been the 'current' topic for something close to twenty minutes with the same circular, ever-angrier arguments bouncing back and forth between the "forerunners."

"If you cover your badge, your authority will diminish and you won't be able to--" said the Ravenclaw through clinched teeth.

"And if you do _not _cover it, rule breakers won't receive the punishment they deserve and then--" interrupted the Hufflepuff, louder.

"The badge is the only thing that marks us as superior--" The shorter girl pushed her seat so forward that it pressed her against the table.

"And the light that it gives off marks us as well--" replied the girl across the table, leaning in to reinforce her point.

"If you take off the badge--" yelled the first girl.

"If you take no precautions--" interrupted the second.

"Just cast out a giant blinding spell. That way the evil doers won't be able to see a thing, let alone your badge," Lily quipped, leaning back in her chair and twirling her quill in her fingers. The other prefects laughed, grateful to hear the bickering end.

At the sound of laughter both girls slid back into their chairs and looked embarrassed. The fifth year Slytherins who presented the problem looked uncomfortable.

"You need to wear to the badge so that professors know you're a prefect but if you hear a suspicious noise from somewhere close, you might want to put your hand over your badge to block the light a little," said Head Boy Matt McGrath, Tracy's brother.

"Fine. Be sensible, Matt. I still support the blinding spell," Lily replied.

"Which would send you to Azkaban," quipped Kevin Creggie, sitting to Lily's left.

"If you care about that sort of thing," replied Lily, waving her hand as if that were a small detail. The fifth year Slytherins, who brought up the topic, nodded and happily sank into their seats.

"Thank you, Lily and Matt. That was an inventive way to fix the problem, but according to rule one hundred and twelve, Hogwarts prefects are never to block the light of their badge. If ever a student is in trouble and searching for one of us, we must ensure they are able to," said Diana, standing up to not-so-subtly remind everyone that she was Head Girl.

Diana worked six hard years to deserve the title of Head Girl and she would be damned if a mere sixth year made her look less than capable of maintaining control of her meetings. Well, that was fine with Lily. She knew she wasn't a great prefect, let alone leader of meetings. She wasn't about to become Head Girl.

The Slytherins had been the last batch of fifth years, so the sixth years were now in charge of confessing a problem them were facing. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff girls fought to be the first to announce their problems. The Hufflepuff, by sheer volume, won the battle.

"I often have first years come to me to ask for help dealing with Peeves. I try to talk to him, but he doesn't recognize my authority at all." The girl, whose name was Jenna, sounded distraught, as if the title of prefect ought to give her dominion over all living (and dead) things.

"I've never heard a complaint about Peeves from _my _first years," Jodie, the Ravenclaw sixth year, replied. Lily rolled her eyes as she took a bun and used it to represent the South East Tower.

"Maybe _your _first years don't feel comfortable talking with you about such things. In Hufflepuff we make sure to ask--"

"_My _first years are perfectly content to complain to me!"

"And _about _you," snapped Jenna. Lily caught the eyes of the other sixth year girl in the room, Slytherin Gertrude Wrightman, and rolled her eyes. Gertrude glared back. The girl hated Lily.

"How _dare_--" began Jodie. Why weren't Jodie and Jenna's partner prefects saying anything to rein in their housemates? Stupid question. It wasn't like Remus would ever have said anything to Lily if she were acting that way.

"You ought to talk to Professor Dumbledore when Peeves acts up," interrupted Diana.

"I already _thought _to do that," snapped Jenna, obviously not realizing that she was talking to Diana, not Jodie. Lily, whose window was finished, stepped in to speed this process up a bit. Another bought of fighting between Jenna and Jodie might prolong this meeting well into the night and Lily did not think she could handle that.

"Or you could dress up as the Bloody Barron and just try to terrify Peeves," Lily suggested, making the room smile. "Or, you know, you could just tell your first years to ignore Peeves. It's not like he ever really hurts anyone or anything. If they're really desperate, suggest that they tell him where the caretaker or Professor McGonagall are. Or suggest that there's something breakable in another room."

"If he has already pestered someone, there's little you can do except report it to an adult, but even they have limited ability to control him. The only person he listens to is Dumbledore, and the only ghost he respects is the Bloody Barron. If he becomes truly unbearable, invoke the help of either of those two," said Matt. Lily looked over and smiled at him. "Next problem."

"Well," began Jodie, jumping up at the chance to announce an obviously much more important problem. Her partner prefect rose awkwardly beside her. "I have an increasing number of my housemates complaining about the food--"

Lily stopped listening. A glance at Matt told her that he had done likewise. The Head Boy picked up his quill and wrote on his parchment, then pushed it towards Lily. She looked down and read, _Nice castle, bored_?

Lily picked up her own quill and wrote back: _Always._

Matt smiled and wrote, _Did you have fun at my aunt's? _She nodded, not bothering to look like she cared about the problems circling the group.

_How was the feast? _She asked.

_Good. Two pumpkins exploded. _He wrote back. Lily had heard the story from a third year after she returned from her day of Muggle fun, but never had the event explained to her.

_I heard about that. What happened?_

_No one knows, but I suspect foul play from a certain group of Gryffindors in sixth year._

_We weren't even here! _Lily scribbled.

_I meant the male half. _

_Oh. You're probably right._

_Where's Remus?_

_Sick or visiting sick family. _Matt looked thoughtful, nodded and turned back to the discussion amongst prefects.

Lily and Mat were strange friends. She would never consider the tall, strong, blonde boy a good friend, but he was a good acquaintance. He was one of the few prefects she could talk to without feeling as though he was trying to assert himself as her better. Most prefects were very proud of their accomplishments, to say the least. The fifth years were puffed up with pride in their title, the sixth years were vying for Head Girl and Boy, and the seventh year prefects were bitter about not being chosen Head Girl and Boy.

Lily could count the people she could manage a decent conversation with during these meetings on one hand: Cleo (last year's Head Girl), Matt, Remus (though they rarely spoke), and Kevin Creggie (the Ravenclaw sixth year who was unfortunate enough to work with Jodie).

As Lily looked around the room, she saw Jenna and Jodie nearly at each other's throats again. Their male counterparts looked bored and irritated. While those girls were ready to kill for the position of Head student, the boys knew their chances of becoming Head Boy was so slim that they didn't try.

Kevin had once explained it to Lily, saying that the headmaster didn't choose the Heads simply because they were prefects. He didn't pick them because of marks. Instead, he picked them because they were leaders and genuinely good people; they were the people the younger students saw and respected.

According to that logic, Lily didn't think any of the female prefects were likely to be promoted.

Lily knew that younger students didn't think much of her or her title. When they looked at her they saw a girl who was too loud, too assertive, and too nice to the Slytherins. Stopping the very popular James Potter from attacking Severus Snape (and yelling at James Potter a lot) didn't exactly invoke the love of her peers. Add to that that the younger prefects saw the way she acted in these meetings, zoning out during the pointless bits (most of the time, as it were), and her chances of Head Girl were non-existent.

Jenna and Jodie were insane. That isn't to say that they weren't good prefects, they were. They followed the rules to a tee and always respected figures of authority, but Lily didn't see admiration in the eyes of the first years they scolded for dropping books, eating too loudly, or arriving late to classes. But maybe Lily was bias since she did not like them much in their prefect modes, which was sad because Lily had known them pre-prefect and liked them both.

Out of all the girls, Lily would say the Slytherin prefect would be the most likely candidate. While she was more than a little intimidating and never, ever warm, Gertrude Wrightman wore her badge with pride, followed all the rules and held herself with something Lily could only describe as majesty. While she was intimidating and very unapproachable, Gertrude fit Lily's picture of a Head Girl. Too bad Gertrude absolutely abhorred Lily.

Actually, if Lily were to choose the Head Boy, she would probably also choose the Slytherin sixth year. His housemates seemed terrified of him. As a result, they responded to his commands instantaneously. The rest of the houses, while not terrified of him, saw something in his character that made them take a step back him he walked past. If that was respect, he deserved the title of Head Boy.

"Lily?" called a voice, pulling Lily from her thoughts. She looked up to notice every person in the room looking at her. She waved to the group, smiled self-mockingly, and met the gaze of a smug Diana as she said, "As you are the only member from your year and house, you realise that you have to speak, yes?"

"Of course," Lily began, "but I don't have a pressing problem to share, so if you would like to continue."

"Nothing?" Diana asked. "There's nothing troubling you?"

"Aside from food, Peeves, and lighted badges? No," Lily said. Most of the prefects smiled and appreciated that Lily wanted to speed up the pointless meeting.

"There's nothing you'd like to change?" pressed Diana. Lily looked at the girl, wondering why this was so important to her, and raked her brain for something that bothered her.

"Well, I guess there must be something. Let me think," Lily said. Diana's face brightened and she motioned for Lily to stand and continue. "Can I go after the next group?"

"Of course," Diana said, motioning for the Slytherin seventh years to speak. Lily watched as they rose from their seats, watched the way the rest of the group moved subtly away from them, and the way the Slytherins packed closer together.

She let the voices of the prefects lull her into a sense of comfort as she zoned them out, perfectly her castle. She carved the stairs from Hogsmeade and wondered how she was going to make the Whomping Willow.

Lily turned back to her miniature castle and added bean-windows to a tower. Where was the Slytherin common room? Lily had visited the Hufflepuff tower and the Ravenclaw wing, but where did the Slytherins live? It couldn't be in the dungeons, could it? That would be just too-- Matt gently nudging her with her elbow bid her to look up and realise she was, once more, the centre of attention in the room.

"All right," Lily began, standing. She saw many eyes glancing curiously at her miniature castle and so she pointed to it and said, "Isn't it adorable?" Many students chortled.

"I really don't have much to complain about in this castle-- the big one, I mean. I love the food, Peeves amuses me, and these lighted badges have saved me from a couple of detentions, but I don't know. It seems like not everyone's loving it here as much as me. Specifically, I mean Slytherin students." The room, which had been respectfully quiet a moment ago, was now crushingly silent.

"What do you mean?" Matt asked.

"Sometimes it feels like prefects take more points from students in Slytherin, or it seems like sometimes students blatantly avoid the Slytherins. The other day a second year Ravenclaw dropped her things in the middle of the corridor and nearly everyone stopped to help her. A month ago, the same thing happened to a Slytherin and I was the only non-Slytherin to stop and help her," Lily said. She did not mention that fact that the Slytherin seemed cautious of Lily's help, like she didn't trust her.

Lily looked around the room and noticed how uncomfortable everyone was. The Ravenclaws glanced back and forth. The Hufflepuffs seemed contemplative. The Gryffindors looked shocked. Of all the houses, only the Slytherins met her gaze and in their eyes, Lily saw only doubt and disbelief, as if they did not think she could not really care.

"Even in this room, the Slytherins are grouped together to the side while the rest of the houses intermix," Lily noted.

"Maybe they don't want to sit by _us_. Maybe it isn't _our _fault," suggested a Ravenclaw fifth year. Lily shrugged.

"I'm not blaming anyone. I didn't make an effort to sit by them either," Lily replied, addressing the Slytherins. "I honestly wasn't going to address an issue in this meeting because it has been long enough already, but when the Slytherin seventh years stood up, the rest of the room shifted and it reminded me of that little girl who dropped her things and how everyone just walked around her." Lily sat and wondered why, exactly, she said any of that aloud.

"I, for one, do not believe that the Slytherin students are treated differently by the prefects or fellow students," announced Diana, standing up again and losing respect as she did so. Everyone knew it happened, everyone had been party to such actions. "I know that were I to see such behaviour I'd report it immediately--"

"You don't have to report it to anyone, Diana," Lily interrupted. "All you have to do is step in and help them yourself. Tell a prefect if you think they're treating someone unfairly, stop and help a student who drops her things."

"Of course. Of course, and then I would report the violation to the headmaster." Diana kept talking, but Lily's frustration blocked her words. Lily did not normally talk this much in these meetings. Actually, she normally kept a low profile and counted the seconds until they were allowed to leave.

Soon after that discussion, Diana excused the seventh years from reporting their problems. Then she passed out the newest set of patrol times and dismissed them. Lily packed her things and started for the door when Matt caught her arm and turned her around.

"How many times would you say you've switched your patrol times?" he asked Lily. She had the distinct feeling that he had wanted to ask her this question for a while. The rest of the room was emptying.

"Only a few times last year, more this term. Why?"

"No reason. Only to mention that these times are non-transferable. It's difficult to organise these patrols even without changing duty times. Tell Remus that when he returns," Matt finished.

"All right," she replied. She wanted to leave, to curl up under in the comfort of her bed, and forget this whole mess of a meeting. But Lily sensed that Matt had something more he wanted to ask her. She waited. The room cleared.

"What you said about the Slytherins--" he stopped himself. Then he looked around the room to make sure it was clear before looking at Lily with those dull blue eyes that seemed so trusting and curious and honest. "Are you trying to be Head Girl?"

"No!" Lily exclaimed, confused. "In my wildest nightmares, being Head Girl is not something that I have to deal with." Matt said okay and goodbye, still regarding her strangely.


	5. Movements of the Heavens

**Chapter 7**

**The Movements of the Heavens**

Memorizing the astrological meaning of stars never endeared itself to Lily. When studying this particular aspect of Astronomy, Lily felt too much similarity between Astronomy and Divination, the latter of which she did not trust. As a Muggle-born girl with sensible parents and a sceptic sister, Lily found it difficult to distinguish between fortune telling and fairy tales.

She stacked her notes and exhaled her irritation. Why did she need to know that when Mars and Venus were close, people took it to mean that it would rain? Stargazing in order to predict the future was ridiculous. Lily let her eyes travel away from her book and over to the other person at her little table: James Potter. Why he insisted on joining her during these study sessions, she did not know. Why he silently read beside her, she could never guess.

At first it had been unsettling, the silence. Now, it was almost comfortable, which made it even more unsettling. Did that make any sense? No, but Lily knew it was true. To feel comfortable with James Potter meant that she was letting her guard down, and that was never a good idea around him. Then he would start hexing you or break your heart, depending on the day.

He looked up and met Lily's gaze. Then he smiled and Lily started in her seat, shocked. Then her eyes scanned the rest of the library, trying to spot Remus or Sirius Black or Peter Pettigrew. This _had _to be a prank. She looked back and saw James' smile even bigger.

"What?" Lily asked, suspicious. Then she wanted to throw a hand over her mouth in horror; had she really initiated conversation with James Potter? After nearly three months of silent Wednesday night study sessions, why did she suddenly want conversation?

"You look like a trapped Hippogriff," he explained. He leaned closer to her and she leaned backwards. "I'm not going to curse you. I don't actually own a book called _One Hundred Way to Hex People._"

Lily blushed remembering the incident. He had bumped into her in the hall and dropped his book and she had accused him of owning a book- oh never mind. She had nothing to be ashamed of. He _might _have own a book like that. So she replied, "What book was it, then, _Ways to Embarrass My Peers_?"

"No. It was _The Merchant of Venice_."

"You're reading Shakespeare?" Lily asked, shocked, as she crossed her arms.

"I have to for Muggle Studies," James replied.

"You're in Muggle Studies?"

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes."

"Because I shouldn't take such an easy course?" He smirked knowingly at Lily and she resisted the urge to laugh at him. He thought understanding Muggles was easy? Lily was raised a Muggle and _she _didn't know everything about them.

"No. Because you don't actually care about Muggles," said Lily.

"I care," he said defensively.

Not knowing what to say- or more precisely not knowing what to say without insulting him- Lily nodded and turned her eyes back to her paper, lists and lists of possible retorts jumping around her brain. But instead of being mean and spiteful, Lily reopened her notes and began riffling through them, feeling stupid for talking to him at all. Why was he still at her table, anyway? Why was he at her table and not speaking? Why wasn't he being his usual chatty self, gabbing on and on about himself?

"Could I use you for a Muggle Studies project?" James asked, quite startling her out of her bitter thoughts.

"Excuse me?"

"I have an assignment to ask a Muggleborn student what it is that they miss most about the Muggle world and what it is that they think they gave up to attend Hogwarts." Surprise rippled through Lily's arms and down into her fingertips. What a question. "Don't worry. You don't have to answer. I already wrote the essay, I just need a Muggleborn name to put on it."

"Why?" asked Lily, feeling vaguely disappointed that he did not care about her answer.

"Because the professor said she might check up on the sources." The fact that James could have asked a friend to lie for him was not lost on Lily. "So can I use your name?"

"Why not ask Remus, isn't his father a Muggle?"

"Yeah, but I thought the professor might find it suspicious if I used a friend's name." _And I'm not your friend,_ Lily thought, hurt though she knew she shouldn't be. She would never _ever _list James as one of her friends.

"Sure. Use my name," Lily said, shrugging.

"Really? I didn't think you'd say yes."

_Then why'd you ask?_ Lily thought to say. Instead, she shrugged and turned back to her notes.

"Do you want to know what I wrote about?" James asked her.

"What?" Lily replied, looking back up at him.

"In my Muggle Studies essay. Do you want to know what I said you would miss the most?" James elaborated. Lily shrugged and motioned for him to go ahead. "I wrote about televisions, telephones and whipped cream in spray bottles-"

"Whipped cream?" Lily asked, looking at him like he was crazy. "You think I regret giving up whipped cream?"

"Yes."

"You're-" _an idiot,_ Lily finished in her head. But instead of saying that aloud she kept it to herself and then said, "Never mind."

"Don't you miss whipped cream in a bottle?" James asked.

Thoughts of Petunia and Lily's other pre-Hogwarts friends flashed across Lily's mind. Lily remembered the telephone ringing beside her bed and football on Sundays. She thought about travelling the world without fear of Voldemort, without blood prejudice. She recalled her childhood dreams that disappeared when she accepted the invitation to Hogwarts: learning to drive, going to university, finding a safe boy to marry, having her parents understand and help fix all of her problems.

"Yes," Lily said. "I miss whipped cream in a bottle."

For the following Wednesdays before Christmas, James and Lily would remain silent once more. She, bothered deeply by the flippant way he treated her losses, kept silent to spite him. James, on the other hand, remained quiet for a different reason, one Lily would not learn of until months later. And boy would that reason tick her off.

** – **

Wearing a sweater over her usual uniform and a cloak on top of that, Lily stood in the Entrance Hall with her hands in her pockets. Sure, living in a castle had seemed like a great adventure when she was eleven years old, but now, at sixteen and with the cold month of December in full swing, Lily wished she had thought studying in the Bahamas had seemed like an adventure.

"Ready to go?" Lily turned to reply to the voice, thinking it was Remus, and was shocked to find Matt McGrath walking into the entrance hall, hands casually in his pockets.

"Matt?"

"Hello, Lily," he replied, smiling.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm replacing Remus on your patrol."

"Why?" asked Lily, burrowing her hands deeper into her pockets as she rocked forward and backward to gain warmth.

"Because he can't make it and you needed someone to accompany you. As I am head boy, that dubious honour falls to me," Matt said, walking up next to her.

"Dubious? More like coveted. People would pay galleons to be in your place right now," Lily said, smirking. Matt's smile grew.

"Whether the honour is dubious or highly coveted, it's mine. Let's start walking and warm up a bit." With that, Matt reached out and took Lily's elbow, directing her down one of the main corridors. As their footsteps echoed off the walls and shadows cast about their feet, the light from their badges shown brightly.

"Why couldn't Remus be here?" asked Lily, more to fill in the silence than to actually hear the answer. Remus always missed classes and the like- he was obviously rather frail and susceptible to disease.

"He said he had a pressing obligation at home," Matt replied, opening a door in order to peek inside a room to their left.

"Then why didn't he reschedule the patrol?" asked Lily, staying in the hallway and not really feeling up to looking for students right then.

"Diana and I didn't want the prefects swapping patrol times anymore. One swap requires hours of work on our part," Matt explained as he left the room behind and rejoined Lily on their walk down the empty hall. "I think I mentioned this to you after the last meeting."

"Oh. That's right. I remember now," Lily said.

"You would have known about it before then if you ever bothered to pay attention in the meetings," Matt said.

"And give up making food castles? Are you kidding?" Lily replied. She was unsure whether her was teasing or actually chastising her, but she did not really care either way. The meetings were boring.

"Las year I took such careful notes at each and every meetings, and then I posted them in the Ravenclaw common room."

"And that is why are you head boy and I never will be."

"I should hope not," he said, his tone implying that he had no doubt that Lily would never receive the position.

"Hey! I'm a little insulted. I wouldn't exactly destroy the castle," Lily retorted. "I might blind a few people, but aside from that I think everything would work out for the best."

"I meant that you could never be head _boy_," Matt explained.

"Ah. So now I feel stupid."

"That's all right."

"And if I _were _made into a head, I would let prefect switch patrols whenever they liked. Especially Remus. He normally switches the times almost immediately. If you ask him before you make the schedule, I'm sure he could tell you the nights he can't make it," Lily said, rubbing her hands together as she glanced down a corridor to her left, straining to hear any odd noises coming from that direction.

"He knows in advance?"

"Most of the time."

"That's interesting," Matt murmured before going silent. His eyes unfocused and Lily didn't know what to do. Should she bring him back from the daydream or just let him o with it? It couldn't hurt him to lose focus unless there was a suit of armour immediately in front of him. Then again, Lily was not about to let this conversation end. Nights of silent pacing next to Remus had taught her to value all discourse.

"Matt?" Lily said. She poked him with her finger when he didn't respond.

"Excuse me?" Matt asked, glancing at her.

"Nothing. You just seemed lost in thought."

"I was just thinking about- never mind. Don't worry about it. Tell me, what are you thinking about for your seventh year project?" Matt asked, changing the subject abruptly as the pair began to traverse the wide walk between Charms and Transfiguration. Lily burrowed her hands into her pocket and only briefly wondered why her hands just couldn't warm up.

"I was hoping to research the connection between activation charms and potions," Lily answered.

"What aspect of it?"

"Well, the connection between how an incantation affects both. How they exist in their dormant states, which has more deterioration and the like," Lily said, rattling off the answer she had memorized. If every fifth year was asked about O.W.L.s and third years asked which classes they were taking, every sixth year was definitely asked what their seventh year project would be. It was highly irritating.

"You'll have to focus that a bit more. Seems too broad."

"It is, but as I'm still looking into a number of professions after school, I want to do a lot of research in this field and then see what it is that appeals to me. It'll be better in the long run," Lily said, trying to believe herself. In actuality, the amount of work that lay in front of her was daunting. She almost wanted to take the lazy route and work on perfecting a single, very complex charm. But she would never do that, if only because she represented Muggleborns in general and refused to let people believe them to be either lazy or simpletons.

"I understand. My project is to make a potion form of the _Impedimentia_ charm."

"Isn't _Impedimentia _a hex?" Lily asked, stopping to let Matt open another door and look for students hiding in the classroom. Remus always took pains to find students out of bounds. Lily secretly thought he was trying to make up for his own violations of the room. For her part, she couldn't care less if students were out after hours. Matt seemed to be more like Remus than like her, and she was fine with that, though it _did_ mean more paperwork later.

"Actually, in the technical sense, it's a charm. Hexes must be solely used to harm- that must be the reason why the spell was created. An example would be the boils hex. No one can ever claim that was made with any intent other than to harm a person. The Unforgivables fall into that category, for example, but _Impedimentia _was originally used on small plants and animals to preserve them during the winter. Most think that the charm is a hex because they think it hinders a person's ability to move quickly. In reality, it creates a kind of time stop around the person or thing it's used on and creates a kind of stasis," Matt explained when he finished looking around the room and shut the door.

"Why not put the stasis charm on them?" Lily asked.

"This was before the stasis charm was invented. _Impedimentia _is one of the oldest charms in existence. There are legends about who created it, including theories that it was one of the founders or maybe even Merlin, though no one can either prove or disprove those theories," Matt said. "I'm sorry to be babbling on like this. I'm sure you don't care."

"No. I do care," said Lily, meaning it. _I only wish that I cared as much about my project as you do._

"It's all right, not many people like talking about the history of charms."

"Their loss, I guess," Lily quipped, turning left.

And thus the pair continued on their first patrol together. They walked as if they knew where they were going, as if they had travelled these paths before. They walked with conversation dancing in circles around them and for the first time in her two years of prefect duties, the night passed quickly.

** – **

"And then the way he pulled his broom up at the very end, just missing the goal post by inches. Wasn't it incredible? He just yanked it up and then- I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It was tactically brilliant too. He distracted the keeper and the bludgers. Beautiful. The keeper got his by the bludger and when the whistle blew! That was hilarious it was a penalty against themselves. I couldn't believe it. And that kid is just a third year. He'll be brilliant by seventh year. Glad I'll be gone by then. Otherwise I might be worried more about Hufflepuff. And-"

"Is she breathing?" Lily asked Sam. Tracy, who was babbling on and on about the Quidditch match between the Hufflepuff and Slytherin teams, didn't notice. She just kept talking.

"I think so," Sam said, rubbing her hands together as the four friends worked their ways down the stairs of Gryffindor tower.

"I'm so glad it's _over_," moaned Christine, clutching the railing. "It took so _long_."

"-and in the fourth hour when he did the double back flip and then head straight toward the ground, intercepting the Quaffle mid Mathews-Tuck-Pattern. I've never seen anything like that in my life. Well, in practice once-"

"I'm just glad we're going home tomorrow. I want my mum's hot cocoa," Lily said.

"You're just excited about the Ball," teased Sam, nudging Lily with her elbow and causing her friend to fall into a tiny first year on her left.

"Sorry," Lily murmured at the unfortunate little girl before turning back to Sam and glaring at her.

"And she should be," chirped Christine. "She'll be in the same room as all of the seven old families. Not to mention all of the most famous witches and wizards in today's society."

"Do you think Dumbledore will be there?" Sam asked.

"He hasn't gone to the Ball in the last seven years, and before that not in twenty years."

"Why do you know that, Christine?" Sam inquired. Christine shrugged as they left the Gryffindor stands, Tracy still babbling.

"Did we invite him to my party?" Tracy asked, breaking her constant one-sided conversation in favour of a question. Lily turned and looked at her brunette friend.

"Who?"

"Gonzalo Ayala," Tracy replied.

"Once more, who?"

"The _chaser, _Lily, the chaser!"

"Oh. The Hufflepuff? He couldn't have been invited. You made a rule that no one under fifth year could be asked and you never break rules," Lily said.

"I never break rules for normal people, but did you see this kid's Corkscrew Drive? I think I'm going to find and invite him. I'll catch up with you later, Lily," Tracy said, waving as she ran off towards the changing rooms.

Lily turned back to find both Sam and Christine missing. They had wandered while Lily tried to decipher Tracy's incoherent babble. But Lily took it in stride, letting the large crowd (everyone who had gone to the game) lead her back toward the castle. Just as she turned to find a familiar face to chat with, a hand snaked out and grabbed her upper arm, painfully halting her movement.

Trying to wrench her arm out of the grasp of this stranger, Lily only caught a glimpse of the bludger that sped right in front of her- being chased by several boys on brooms and one yelling referee- right where she would have been had that person not grabbed her. She turned to question the person who grabbed her and found… no one. The hand on her arm was gone and the crowd was streaming past her, all commenting on the escaped bludger and speculating as to who had set it free. Who could have grabbed her arm? Had she imagined it? But then why did her arm still ache?

"Hello?" A tiny voice jarred Lily. "Hello, are you okay?"

"Excuse me?" Lily's eyes still searched the crowd for a possible attacker.

"I asked if you were all right." Giving up on finding the person, Lily turn to the speaker and was surprised to find a small boy looking up at her with wide eyes.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"Oh. Good." He smiled a toothy smile and stood in front of her, as if waiting for Lily to say something else. The crowd thinned around them as the rest of the students continued their trek toward the castle as Lily and the boy stood still.

"Did you- see someone grab my arm?" Lily tentatively asked the boy, wondering if she were going crazy. _Wouldn't that be just perfect? Insane Lily the Prefect_.

"Uh-uh," said the boy, shaking his head left to right. "Did you think someone grabbed your arm?"

"No. I just- I think I'm losing it. Too much work and all that," Lily said, laughing uneasily. The boy nodded.

"You're a prefect in Gryffindor, right?"

"Oh. Yes, I am. My name is Lily, what's yours?"

"Mine's Will," he said. "I'm in Ravenclaw."

"Will?" repeated Lily, looking closely at him and noticing that he looked vaguely familiar.

"Yes."

"What year are you?"

"First."

"You wouldn't happened to be related to Tracy or Matt McGrath would you?" Lily asked.

"Yes! I'm their brother," Will replied, smiling that toothy grin again. For the first time, Lily let herself take in the image of this child. His Ravenclaw scarf was already frayed at the ends, his earmuffs were dirty and his shoes her covered in mud. Lily liked this boy; he looked like an eleven year old _ought _to look, like a child.

"I've heard things about you, Will."

"Good things?"

"Things from Sam."

"Chad's sister?"

"That's the one."

"She lies a lot," he said seriously, his eyes big. Lily laughed.

"I think, little first year, that we're going to get along," Lily said, slinging an arm over his shoulders and leading him back to the castle.

It wasn't until much later into the night, as Lily was lying in her bed, that she looked on her upper left arm and found a large hand-shaped bruise forming that she began to wonder what had really happened on the journey back from the Quidditch pitch and why a stranger would save her from the path of a bludger and then disappear.


	6. A Sixteen Year Old's Problems

**Chapter Eight**

**A Sixteen-Year-Old's Problems**

Sometimes Hogwarts can be the most magical place on Earth. It can capture and keep the heart of a child. It invites even the most outcast child to find friends to love, laugh, and live with. Hogwarts is the manifestation of every child's daydreams, from ghosts in the hallways to magical ways to avoid and cause trouble, to flying on broom a hundred feet in the air.

Paradoxically, Hogwarts can be a thing of nightmares. Through a sorting process, it fosters competition and even animosity between people who otherwise would have been friends. It grows cold and windy in the winter seasons, with creeping shadows around every corner and pictures watching their every movement. It forces children to learn the gruesome history of creatures unlike themselves, making them prejudice against dwarfs and goblins. It renders to eleven year olds the ability to control their peers- keep them from moving, make them cheery or sad.

As Lily rested her head against the window of her train compartment on her way home for the winter holidays, she reflected upon the incongruity of Hogwarts. For a place dedicating to education, why was the school motto a threat, "Never tickle a sleeping dragon"? Why was one house cast as villains, another as heroes, one as bookworms, and the last normally overlooked?

Her words in the last prefect meeting had not exactly improved her relations with the other prefects. Now the girls saw her as competition for head girl (a position Lily held little-to-no respect for) and the boys now saw her as troublemaker. Only the Slytherins (for whom she had been advocating) did not change their behavior towards her as they remained distant and distrustful.

A sudden jerk of the train banged Lily's head against he window and she wondered why, exactly, a magical train could not provide a smoother ride.

When the compartment door opened a moment later- Lily's hand clutching her head- she did not bother to look up, expecting one of her friends or maybe the cart. Instead she heard a vaguely familiar yelp of surprise. Then the stranger's hands were on hers, pulling them away from the bruise to get a better look.

"What happened?" asked a voice that Lily could not help but recognize. She forced her head and eyes up to meet his and there was a familiar moment of apprehension as she met and kept his gaze. Why was James Potter in her compartment? Why were his hands on hers? Why couldn't she speak? Why were his eyes so disarming?

"Nothing. Nothing. I banged my head against the window," Lily said. He withdrew from her and stood. She took her own hands away from her head and stood in front of him, uncomfortable to sit as it made her feel beneath him.

"Oh. I thought-" his speech halted. Lily looked at him, looked at his too-ruffled hair and his too-brown eyes. She had told none of her friends about the way he sat in on her Wednesday evening study sessions. She had told none of her friends that he came every week, without missing a single time, but never said a word unless she initiated the conversation.

"Were you looking for Tracy?" Lily prompted, crossing her arms over her chest. She took a step backward and leaned against the window, hoping to look casual as her heart pounded.

"I don't suppose you'd know the name of her house?" James asked.

"Gryffindor?" she asked.

"No. Her home, for the floo network," replied James with an air of condescension that put Lily on guard.

"I don't know what talking about," Lily said in clipped tones.

"That's right," James said, as if talking to himself. "You're a Muggleborn. How do _you _visit her?"

"I walk."

"You walk? Why not fly?" asked James.

"I could, if I were an idiot. We live in a Muggle community." Her irritation with this conversation grew. She definitely preferred him as he was during her Wednesday night vigils: beautiful and silent.

"You could use a chameleon spell-"

"And break wizarding law while I'm at it, you idiot?" Lily practically spat at him. And yes, she did in fact say the insult aloud. The result was a mix of anger, confusion, and pride flashing across his features. It made her even angrier to realize that he thought he had any right to be angry with _her_.

"I do it all the time-"

"And you are a stuffed-up, ignorant boy who couldn't care less for the rules or laws of a society that protect the foundations of that society." Lily was rather proud of that little tirade. James' face melting into a delightful shade of purple helped as to her feelings.

"How would you know anything about this society? You aren't even really a part of it!" Lily's delight vanished and was replaced by her flashing hand coming towards his face. The slap was quick and resounded around the empty compartment. Before she realized it, James was gone and she was left with only her tears and feelings of waning self-worth.

** – **

Seeing her parents on the platform did much to clear her mind of such troubles. They stood chatting with some other parents that Lily did not recognize and laughter could be heard rippling out from the group. Lily was proud of her parents- of the way they accepted magic as a new and interesting journey for the family, of the way they made friends so easily, of their casual ability to make strangers laugh. She was glad that the depth of their knowledge of the magical world was happy, that they knew nothing of the prejudice stretching to the far corners of the magical community.

When they spotted their youngest daughter struggling to pull her heavy trunk off the train, they stopped their conversation immediately and came over to assist her.

Mr. Evans quickly loaded her trunk onto the cart they had brought and Mrs. Evans enveloped her in an embrace. Never in her life would Lily feel as safe as she did at that moment, with the smell of her mother's perfume consuming her and her father effortlessly carrying her heavy belongings.

** – **

"Where's your head, Lily?" called out a voice to Lily's left. She looked over to see Adriana Brewster with her hands over her head, motioning for Lily to hurry up. It surprised Lily to see how far her friend was. The redhead had paused to look at the football field that sat quietly unused on what seemed to be the coldest day of the year. Jogging over to her friend, Lily smiled apologetically.

"What were you looking at? Did you spot Wizzard?" Adriana asked, shoving her gloved hands further into the protective pockets in her parka as she turned to walk towards her home. Lily jumped at the accusation.

"What?" Her hands remained motionless outside her own pockets. She forgot even the cold as she scrambled to cover-up what Adriana knew.

"Because, if you did spot them, you'd let your oldest friend know. Right?" Adriana continued, turning around to drag Lily into motion again.

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked, now walking of her own volition.

"The group, Wizzard?" Seeing Lily's blank look, Adriana looked devastated as she spun around and waved her hands in front of Lily's face. "I know you live in some sort of a cult at your boarding school, but even there they must've heard of Wizzard."

"Really, I haven't the faintest."

"_Angel Fingers_? _See My Baby Jive_?" Lily shook her head. "They were huge for a while, back in September their song _Angel Fingers_ went to number one, but they haven't had anything new in a while. _I _own their record."

"Neat," said Lily, trying not to let Adriana's tone bother her.

"Just because you and… well, your entire school seem to have bad judgment doesn't mean that you should miss out on this group." In her heart, Lily felt the same way. Lately it seemed Lily's separation from her Muggle roots was becoming more permanent. Lily was leaving behind the simple things she had known as a girl- things like the most popular musical group at the moment- in exchange for the racism of a society that wanted nothing to do with her.

"I like the classics," claimed Lily.

In a desperate attempt to remain somewhat attached to the world that was her home, Lily had agreed to spend more time with her childhood best mate. Adriana Brewster lived four houses down from Lily and had been a most adorable child. She had had large blue eyes and pig-tailed blond hair that had every mother cooing. Until she was eleven, Lily had fought with her for attention every day of her childhood. Then, of course, came the owl and the letter and… magic.

"Oh. Like the Beatles?" replied Adriana in a very understanding voice. Lily snorted.

"I wouldn't exactly call them classics."

"Aren't they good enough for you?"

"I like them, I was just saying they aren't old enough to be classics," Lily amended, trying to avoid fighting with this girl who she truly meant to like.

It had been a surprise to find Adriana on the other side of the front door this morning for a couple of reasons. The first was that Adriana was with five other people, and the second was that they had agreed to meet at the cinema. It is a common mistake of childhood friends to assume, upon reuniting with that friend, that they will not have changed in the distant years. And while Lily was sure she too had changed in four years, Adriana was barely recognizable. Her blond hair had been dyed black, unnecessary sunglasses covered her blue eyes, and she was ugly. Her adorable childhood features had turned into over-exaggerated and ugly adult features.

The only thing about Adriana that hadn't changed was her commanding personality. From the moment she opened the door until she would later arrive home, Lily was swept up in a flurry of conversations, strange antics, and uncomfortable questions about her own school.

"Your friends were nice," Lily said as the two turned onto their block.

"They would have been _your _friends too if you hadn't dropped off the face of the planet," quipped Adriana.

A shot of cold went through Lily's heart that had nothing to do with the temperature. Adriana was right. If it weren't for magic, this would have been her future, her normal holiday fun. She would have lived in a world where she was respected for her sharp mind and reasoning. She would live in a world where she would belong.

"I wonder if I would've been happier if I'd stayed," Lily said, surprising herself. Adriana looked over and gave her a half-smile.

"I doubt it. I'm sure your exotic school is better than the humdrum life I live." And Lily remembered flying for the first times, freezing a fellow student in the Game, receiving her prefect badge, looking up at the ceiling in the Great Hall, buying her wand.

"I'm happy at my school. Just having a momentary trouble."

"A boy?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you come into my house, have my mum make us some hot chocolate and you tell me everything?" Adriana suggested. Lily considered for a moment. "Come on. I don't know any of your friends so you can tell me all the bad things about them and be assured that they won't hear about it. Where's the harm?"

Lily smiled and nodded before following her friend into her home.

** – **

"That was a long movie yesterday," said Mrs. Evans as Lily walked into the kitchen the morning after she had spent the day with Adriana and her friends.

"We stopped over at her house after for a talk," replied Lily as she walked over to where her mother was rolling out cookie dough and pinched a bit of it off to munch on.

"That's nice," said Mrs. Evans as Lily walked over to the counter and picked up a banana, peeling it as she made her way over to the kitchen table.

"Yeah," said Lily. "Do you want me to decorate those cookies?"

"If you'd like to, the sprinkles are on the table," said Mrs. Evans, motioning with her head to the area in front of where Lily now sat munching on her fruit.

"All right."

"So, did Adriana help you sort out the thing that's been bothering you?" Mrs. Evans asked as she cut shapes out of her cookie dough and putting them on a pan.

"Bothering me?" asked Lily as she took another bite of her banana. "Why do you think something's bothering me?"

"Well, you enthusiastically trimmed the tree, wrapped presents for your grandparents, shopped for friends, performed slight-of-hand tricks, listened somewhat-politely to stories of Petunia's boyfriend, baked cookies with me, and even tried to avoid picking a fight with your sister on Christmas day."

"And those were giveaways?" Lily asked, walking over to throw away her banana peel.

"Yes.

"What if I simply matured?"

"You didn't, did you?"

"Well, no," pouted Lily, "and to answer your question, no she did not help me with my problem."

"Did she try to?" Mrs. Evans inquired as smashed the extra dough together against before rolling it out one more time.

"Yes, but she couldn't understand."

"Understand what?"

"Anything about magic."

"Are your problems magical?"

"Not really. They're more boy-related than anything else, but the magical part is important because that's my life now, understand?"

"No. But then, I never understood you or Adriana when you were younger and in love with football games, so I don't know why I should pretend to understand you now that you're teenagers."

Lily smiled. When she was little, football had been her passion. After school ended, she would race home, switch clothes, and run to the park to play a scrimmage game with her friends. If there was anything Lily missed about living without magic, it was that sport.

Quidditch was fun, but it had none of the finesse of the land-based game and a lot more brutality. Football did not have two players whose job it was to throw large objects at everyone else. Football did not have three separate goals for each team and one keeper. Football did not have one player on whom, essentially, the entire game relied. Instead, it had teamwork and one central point of focus instead of ten at any given time. The rules were more refined and _players did not randomly disappear in the middle of a game of football. _

But Lily's animosity for the flying sport might have simply stemmed from her house's inability to play well for five years. Cheering for a losing team tends to hamper one's affection. But this year all of that had changed. Instead of a group of bumbling individuals pretending to be a team, Nancy Adams had made a _team_. Gryffindor was undefeated so far this term. Mind you, they had only played the Slytherins (who were a very sorry team indeed), but that was already an improvement over last year's embarrassment.

A knock on the Evans' door at the early hour shocked both Lily and her mother.

"Were you expecting anyone?" Mrs. Evans asked, wiping her hands on her apron.

"No. It's too early to have people over, but maybe it's Adriana."

"Well, go open the door and find out, silly girl."

When Lily opened the door it was an even bigger surprise. Outside her house stood Tracy, Sam, and Matt.

"Hi!" Lily said, trying not to look too shocked that her friends decided to pay her a visit a seven in the morning.

"We're going icing," announced Tracy without preamble. Matt snorted.

"She means ice skating," he supplied, holding up his skates.

"Do you even know how to skate, Tracy?" Lily asked, smiling and thinking about where her own skates might be found.

"Matt taught me last year," Tracy said. Lily looked at Sam.

"I'm an old pro," Sam replied, flipping her black hair over her shoulder.

"Where's Christine?"

"Stumpy's having dinner with her grandparents," Matt offered. Lily frowned. Christine would have loved to learn something so Muggle, or at least she would have made the experience a lot more entertaining.

"Are you coming?" Tracy asked. Lily nodded, ran back into the kitchen, asked her mother if she could go, and was searching through her old skates for a pair that fit before she could say scrumdidiliumpcious.

Her two friends, and Matt who was still more of an acquaintance, had come inside and were now bothering various members of her family. Luckily, Petunia was out, but Sam quickly found and started talking to Mrs. Evans as Tracy pestered Mr. Evans, who was watering the tree.

"Do you want me to _Accio _them?" Matt asked, sitting on Lily's desk to observe her as she tried and failed to find anything in the mess that was her room. She threw aside her covers, as though her skates might have been hidden in them before she dove into her closet.

"No."

"You're never going to find them," Matt proclaimed as a shoe went whipping out of the closet and past his head. He took the opportunity to move closer to the closet and see what Lily was doing. Unfortunately, Lily took that same opportunity to throw another shoe out of the closet and hit him right in the nose. His shout of pain caught Lily's attention and her face fell as she realized what she had done.

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's all right," Matt offered, gingerly holding his nose. "I'm going to summon your skates now though, for my health." Her quickly used the spell and soon sharp blades flew out of the desk and towards him. Lily grabbed the skates by the ties before they could do him any harm.

"So now you know that my house is a danger zone," Lily said, half joking. Matt laughed and nodded as they both stood and moved towards the living room. There, Mr. And Mrs. Evans were chatting with Tracy and Sam.

"I found them," Lily announced, holding up her stakes.

"Great, let's go," Tracy said, moving towards the door. The others followed after saying goodbye to the Evanses.

The day outside looked wretched. Ice patches could be found on the sidewalk and touching the metal fence around Lily's home hurt her hand. It was too cold too properly move without feeling pain shoot through a person's body. Lily wondered at once about the decision of her friends to pick this, of all days, to go ice-skating. When a blast of cold air hit her face, she outright asked them.

"It was Christine's idea originally," explained Sam.

"But she's not here."

"Stumpy failed to realize that as a problem," put in Matt. He looked at Lily for a moment and she sensed that there was something in his look. Actually, she immediately jumped to the conclusion that Matt felt something for Christine. They had known each other since they were toddlers and were closer than Matt and any of Tracy's other friends. If he ever patrolled with Lily again, she would be sure to ask him.

"I'm sad she's not here," Lily said.

"Me, too," Tracy agreed. "And I'm sad that you won't be coming to my party."

"You won't? Why not?" asked Matt.

"She has a date with a boy she doesn't like," replied Sam. Lily glared at her but she pretended not to notice.

"Don't worry, Lily. I do that all the time- date people I'm not interested in," jested Matt.

"Doesn't everyone?" Lily retorted, but for the rest of the journey she remained quiet, only offering commentary every now and again.

In the meantime, the friends crossed three streets and came upon the house of a Muggle friend of Matt. Lily barely even registered the face of the stranger as she went to the rink and skated with her friends. Her mind was occupied with thoughts of Christian and the date that never should have been. She couldn't cancel at this point but she considered it strongly.

** – **

New Year's Eve came with a bout of good weather (well, not good, but bearable) and a plummeting of Lily's spirits. She loved the Christmas holidays, loved sitting with her family as they told stories of what happened since August, loved hot cocoa and marshmallows on a cold day, loved walking in the crisp night air with her father as he lit the candles that lined their walkway, loved the smell of snow and the warmth of home. What she did not love was attending exclusive, expensive Balls with boys she did not want to encourage and room full of strangers she did not want to meet. But she knew she could not back out of an accepted invitation and so she woke on New Year's Eve with a sense of responsibility and no little dread.

Lily went over to Tracy's near noon on that day, knowing that Christian would not meet her until six and hoping to spend a few good hours with her friends before they began working on her make-up and outfit. Christine had other plans.

As she neared Tracy's house, the tall blond shape of Christine bounded out of the house and toward Lily at a speed that made Lily wonder if the girl had ever played Seeker.

"We have so much to do. If you can't fit one of our dress robes, you'll have to alter it. Tracy's mum knows the spell and you have to learn it because it's your dress and you have to make the changes that you want to make because she might be more modest than her but not overly so because the Ball is famous for it's fashion, both conservative and not but always classically-" and so the day progressed, the hours of the day slipping away as Lily played dress up.

Sam, Christine, and Tracy helped her pick out a dress from their extensive collections (a red dress that feel gently to the ground and was strappy at the top), let her borrow their magical make-up ("it changes color depending on lighting!"), and agreed that the black shoes she'd brought over worked well with the dress. Mrs. McGrath, Tracy's mother, loaned Lily a shawl (with heating charm) and purse (magically enlarged inside) to match the outfit and when Lily stood in front of the floor-length mirror in Tracy's room, she could not help but feel immensely feminine.

"All that needs to be done is my hair," proclaimed Lily.

"You don't need to do a thing with it," replied Mrs. McGrath. She picked up a strand of Lily's hair and let it fall back onto her shoulder. "Your hair's stunning on its own, the way it fall straight and curls just at the bottom, gorgeous. Besides, having your hair down will remind the stuffy politicians that you're still young. It'll make them jealous."

"Thank you," Lily said, smiling. "You've been such a great help. All of you-" A ring in the room interrupted her thanks. She spent enough time in Tracy's house to know the sound of a magical doorbell.

"Who do you suppose that is?" Christine asked Tracy.

"I asked some people to help with decorations. It must be the streamers," Tracy replied casually. Too casually. Lily tensed.

"What've you done?"

"Nothing," Tracy replied, heading out of her room. Lily chanced one more look in the mirror and still felt satisfied with the results. She felt _good. _It almost made going to the ball worth it, being able to dress up like this.

"It's almost five-thirty. You ought to be walking home," Mrs. McGrath said.

"Eeeee! I still just can't _believe _that you're going to the Crystal Ball tonight. I'm jealous," Christine said.

"No you aren't. You'll have a great time here," Lily replied.

"I know, but you might meet Tim Duncan!"

"Who's--"

"It really is time you got home. I'll walk with you," Sam interrupted. Lily turned and nodded as her friend, agreeing. Then the redhead carefully picked up her purse, draped her shawl around her shoulders, and headed for the exit. She left the clothes in which she had come in Tracy's room. She would pick them up in the morning.

"Tracy, where did you want these? I thought people weren't allowed upstairs-" called someone carrying a box blocking their face. But Lily did not need the face to know the person: James. She swallowed hard as he lowered the boxes to the ground, shouting, "I'm leaving these here. You figure out where they go."

Then his eyes swiveled around the hallway and Lily caught her breath when they landed on her and looked her up and down. He looked- he looked fabulous. Utterly perfect with his windswept hair and even the dorky glasses, but when his eyes met hers Lily could only hear the echo of his accusation in the back of her mind: _You aren't even a part of this society._

"Hello," said Sam. For a moment, Lily felt betrayed that her friend would speak to him. Then she remembered that she hadn't told Sam about his horrible, horrible words.

"I thought you weren't coming," he said to Lily, ignoring Sam and irritating Lily in the processes. He ruffled his hair to make it stand on end. Then he realized what he was doing and stopped.

"I'm not. I'm leaving."

"Oh. Well. You look…" his voice trailed off and Lily looked around to see if any of his friends were around, about to ambush her. This must be a set up.

"She looks what?" asked Christine stepping out into the hallway beside Lily and Sam. Lily would have hit her friend if she hadn't been so embarrassed.

"She looks like she belongs on my arm," he finished, looking Lily with a sly twinkle in his eye.

"You wouldn't be ashamed to have a _Muggle _on your arm?" snapped Lily. His shocked and embarrassed look did little to curb her anger as she marched past him, down the stairs, out Tracy's door and towards her home with Sam jogging to keep up.

** – **

The walk to her house, at least, made up for the misery that was talking to James Potter. Lily and Sam laughed and caught up with one another. They spoke about little things that neither would remember in a day. All they would remember about this conversation was a feeling of happiness and joy. It's easy, when with a best friend, to let the problems you face slip away. It is easy to forget the drama of dating and the hassle of school. As snow fell that day and Lily charmed her hair dry and Sam slipped on a patch of ice, the two girls' cares were whisked away by the wind. All that remained was wonderfully mindless gossip.

"Did I mention that James invited Ian to Tracy's?" Sam asked.

"No. Is he coming?"

"Of course. Actually, I came with you hoping to run into him."

"So you're using me?" Lily teased, pretending to be offended.

"Basically." They smiled as they reached the door to Lily's home. Then the two girls embraced and Sam turned to Lily and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Be careful tonight," murmured Sam into Lily's hair. "They'll be watching you."

"Who?" asked Lily, holding her friend.

"Everyone. You're a Muggle-born girl on the arm of the eldest son of one of England's most prominent families."

"Oh."

"Just be careful."


	7. Before She Thrice Defied him

**Chapter Nine**

**Before She Thrice Defied Him**

All done up in her lovely red gown and black shoes and shawl, Lily paced in her living room. The wait was excruciating. She refused to sit and wrinkle the dress, but at the same time Lily felt like yelling at the makers of the _Courteously Cushioned Shoes Cushions: magically sealed to perfection. _They were liars. Those stupid shoemakers were just plain old _liars_. Her feet already ached and she had not even left her home yet.

When she heard a soft knock on the front door, Lily glanced up at the clock on the wall and sighed. He was perfectly on time. As always. She took two steps toward the door- toward this Ball that she did not want to attend- when a blur of colour almost knocked her off her feet. It was Mrs. Evans, racing to answer the door before her daughter.

"Hello, hello, hello. Aren't you the picture of a prince?" said Faith Evans as she ushered Christian inside. Lily felt even more nauseous, like she might have a headache at any moment. In fact- Oh good grief! Her mother was _crying _as she took Christian's hand and led him inside to see Lily. She could not have been more horrified in her entire life. Can you _image?_

"_Mum_," moaned Lily, her face lighting up to match the colour of her hair. "Stop."

"Sorry, dear, but you look so grown up. You aren't my little baby anymore," said her mother, taking Christian by the hand and leading him into the living room, indicating that Lily ought to follow. "Your father's trying to work out how to use the camera. Just sit here and I'll find him."

And so, as quickly as she had arrived, Mrs. Faith Evans was gone. In her wake stood an uncomfortable Lily and an anxious Christian Knowles.

"Thanks for escorting me to the Ball," Christian began. She looked over at him and couldn't help but notice that he looked amazing. Painfully amazing. So utterly perfectly amazing. Why, oh why, could he have been enough for her?

"My friends said this Ball was a very big ordeal," replied Lily.

"It is. Only the most prominent people in the wizarding world attend. The Minister of Magic was invited, but he had business in France." His distant tone made Lily cringe, but she was saved from responding when Faith bustled in, her husband and elder daughter in tow.

"I don't see why _I _ought to have come to see Lily off," complained Petunia. Lily resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at her sister. She was above that sort of behaviour. Almost.

"Because this is a big day for your sister," replied Faith, wiping away what seemed to be another tear.

"I'm ready," called out Mr. Evans from behind the large, awkward camera. Lily remembered the compact cameras of the magical world, ones that required no technological breakthroughs to work.

"Before we take pictures," said Christian, turning to Lily and extending his wand towards her. "I would like to offer Lily a bouquet."

And from the end of his wand sprouted a bunch of red flowers, lightly decorated with white ferns. As Faith and Petunia gave off shouts of surprise and then cries of delight, Lily felt embarrassment for them and for Christian. For Christian because that particular spell was not even taught at school, it was so basic, and for her family because they were so easily impressed.

She took the flowers with a small smile and then stood beside Christian for many minutes as her father's camera flashed and flashed and flashed, leaving her dazed and blinking rapidly to rid herself of the spots that now lived in her line of vision. But soon the flashing ended and Lily hugged her parents before Christian took her hand and led her out the front door.

"We aren't flooing, are we?" asked Lily as she delicately took her hand out of his, placing the bouquet in her left in order to hamper further contact.

"No," he said. "We'll ride in my father's car."

"Are your parents driving?" pressed Lily. She remembered the way Ian had only half-jokingly explained the purpose of traffic lights to Christian. If that was the extent of his knowledge of the road, Lily did not want to get in the car that waited for them at the end of her walkway, even if it was a limo. A really nice limo. A really nice, really large, luxurious black limo.

"The car drives itself," explained Christian, opening the door in the back and motioning for Lily to climb in. The car was even larger on the inside, fitting with couches and a bar on the side. Lily's eyes widened, but she did not go in.

"What do you mean, the car drives itself?"

"We tell it where to go and it takes us there."

"The Knightbus has a driver," protested Lily.

"The Knightbus isn't as expensive as this car. I promise it's safe," said Christian, placing his hand on the small of Lily's back and leading her into the car. He followed a moment later. Once inside he walked (yes, walked, because the ceiling was high) to a couch beside the bar and settled in. Lily felt the car begin to move and sat down on the first available seat.

The windows allowed Lily to watch the landscape of houses and roads flash past at impossible speeds. But while the outside was busy moving, Lily and Christian remained stagnant inside, void of dialogue and camaraderie. By the time the car began slowing to a stop, twenty minutes had crept by at a pace akin to forever and Lily's stomach was in knots.

"We're here," Christian said, standing and walking over to open the door for Lily. When she left the car, feelings of insecurity washed over her and she was glad to remember that her wand was in her purse.

"Where, exactly, is this?" asked Lily. "It looks like a dark, deserted alley."

"The only way into or out of the Crystal Ball is by Portkey. This is where guests receive their Portkey. It's hidden from all but invited guests and those they choose to share the information with. That's why there aren't photographers here," explained Christian in what Lily considered to be a condescending tone. Lily, who was growing more and more annoyed by her lack of knowledge, never paused to consider the fact that Ian and she had spent the majority of the summer laughing at Christian's ignorance about all things Muggle.

A blue mist fell upon the alley and Lily instinctively reached out for Christian's hand, only for him to drag her further into the mist. Lily followed behind his echoing footsteps, followed though her senses told her it was a mistake.

Even as the warning bells in her head rang out, Lily ignored them. This was Christian, the boy from the supermarket wondering about plastic wraps. He was the boy who lied about liking dogs in order to gain Lily's attention. He was the boy she had kissed so wonderfully during her holidays. She hoped she was a good enough judge of character to be able to trust, at least, in Christian.

When Christian's footsteps stopped, so did the mist. As the blue haze dissipated, the form of a tall, regal gentleman formed in front of Lily. Wearing black dress robes, he stood with grace and posture that made Lily envious. After too many lessons with her mother to count, Lily still managed to slouch more than stand properly. Still, there was something not right about the way this man looked. His eyes seemed vacant, as though he wasn't quite real.

"Mr. Christian Knowles and guest," announced Christian to Lily's right. His loud voice did not echo. Instead, it grew and grew around them. What was happening?

"Two for table twenty-seven," replied the man, inclining his head toward them both. Even though his voice was normal and his manner natural, Lily could not shake her initial fear. Her wand rested in her purse, but was there really a cause to fear? Christian didn't seem to think so. Why should she? But when something materialized in the hand of the stranger, Lily took out her wand and pointed it at him.

"Lily, put your wand away," said Christian, sounding mortified.

"It's all right, sir. I can assure you the Auror director was far faster with her wand than your guest," replied the man, smiling. Christian reached over and lowered Lily's wand for her as she had not bothered to lower it yet. But she knew (_knew _in the place in her heart that she listened to during magical laser tag) that the dull, unintelligence hiding in this man's eyes was not normal.

"It's our Portkey, Lily," explained Christian, picking the materialized object out of the man's hands. It was a red, long-stemmed rose

"It's set for seven thirty and takes fifteen minutes to recharge, as is custom," the man elaborated. The rose hardly mattered. What mattered was the way the man could not focus on Lily's eyes, never met her gaze.

"Place your hand on the rose please, Lily," implored Christian. Lily did so, even as she continued looking at the man out of the corner of her eye. The abrupt pull behind Lily's naval and disappearance of the alley was unpleasant, unexpected, and wholly unwanted. As was the even more abrupt landing and new scenery, including bright lights that forced Lily's eyes to adjust. In fact, the only _pleasant _thing about the trip was the warm voice that greeted them.

"Welcome to the Crystal Ball, Mr. Knowles, Miss Evans." When her eyes adjusted to the light, Lily saw before her a pretty witch in black dress robes that matched those of the man who gave them the Portkey. But this woman's eyes weren't oddly unfocused. In fact, the blue in them sparkled. "Please follow me to your table."

As they manoeuvred through the room, Lily let her eyes wander. This was supposed to be one of the most famous parties of the year, or so Tracy and Sam and Christine claimed. The decorations should be spectacular, they had assured her. The Crystal Ball did not disappoint. It was exquisite.

Near the high ceiling, pixies and faeries flew overhead, leaving trails of sparking golden light in their wake. Those trails fell gently from their lofty position, moving like fallen stars as they illuminated the room. Only after a few minutes, when the trails fell to the height of the tallest guest, did the light fade. There were more than a thousand of those creatures, circling in their magically confined space not even a metre from the ceiling, Above them, the roof was black, setting the tone for the colouring of the party.

The tables- of which they were nearly one hundred- were covered with black cloth and golden plates, goblets, silverware, and even golden flowers. Even the black cloth, Lily realised as she inspected one, glittered faintly with gold. The golden dance floor lay near the Portkey landing area while the large podium sat in the middle of long wall. At their table (one on the far left side, if the wall with the podium was the front), four elder guests already sat, chatting.

As Lily took her seat, she looked around the room and took note of the guests. Only half the seats were taken, though she and Christian had arrived thirty minutes late. She briefly wondered if anyone else would attend, but quickly answered her own question. Of course the rest of the guests would come to the largest social gathering of the year, they merely wanted to arrive fashionably late and be _seen _arriving at the party.

"Is there anything you would like to drink?" Christian asked.

"A water, please," replied Lily. Whatever she expected Christian to do- stand and find a waiter, call out to someone across the room at the hidden bar- she certainly did not think he would look at his plate and say, "water," though that is exactly what he did. About to tell him she thought he was insane, Lily watched in wonder as her goblet filled itself with water in front of her.

"Fabulous," Lily gasped. Then, remembering years of manners and unsure how else to use them, she directed her voice at the plate and said, "Thank you."

The adults at the table laughed, but Lily would not be ashamed. Their reactions made her feel out of place, but she knew that she had done right. Lily would never be ashamed of thanking someone, so she smiled at the table and took a slip of water.

"Don't mind their reactions, dear. Your good manners only highlight our own shortcomings," said the woman to Lily's left. Lily turned to direct herself at the gracious stranger. She was middle aged, maybe, with soft brown hair in a polite up-do. Her black gown was conservative, falling to the floor. Her golden gloves ended just about the elbow. She perfectly matched the colour scheme.

"Are the plates enchanted?" Lily asked, but instead of the woman who had spoken answering, the man to her left did.

"No. It's the work of house elves."

"Like at Hogwarts," Lily said, making the connection. They both nodded.

"Is that where you studied?" asked the woman.

"It's where I'm still studying."

"Forgive me, you looked older than seventeen," said the woman, her eyes wide and disbelieving. Lily laughed and shook her head.

"No, just seventeen years old."

"What I wouldn't give to be _just _seventeen years old again," sighed the woman. The man laughed, loudly. "What?"

"You hated being seventeen, Cordelia. You were too young to boss everyone around," teased the man. Lily smiled.

"I do not boss people around." As their play fight (at least Lily hoped it was a play) continued, Lily turned her attention back to Christian. In this sparkling light, looking at his profile as he stared at the podium, Lily wondered why his beautiful face and kind personality were not enough to make her happy. Why wasn't that good enough for Lily? Why had she felt like she needed something more than to date this kind boy?

He turned toward her and asked if she needed anything-- for him to order her another water, for a dance, anything-- and she shook her head to decline. He ordered her another water anyway. Why, when she thought of dating a boy, was the face she imagined not Christian's? Instead, it was the boy who sat quietly in the library every Wednesday night.

"Do you mind?" Christian asked her. Lily mentally shook herself, what was he asking? Would she mind what? Then she saw the pretty girl standing next to Christian, looking at her with barely hidden resentment. "Do you mind if I dance with Charlotte?"

"No. Of course not," replied Lily. When the two left the table, Lily sat watching them.

"If my husband had asked my permission to dance with another woman, I would have hit him over the head with my purse," quipped the woman to Lily's left. Lily looked over and noticed that the man was no longer there.

"Well, Christian's not my husband."

"If my husband had asked me to allow him to dance with another girl when we were seventeen and not yet married, I would have hit him in the head with my purse twice," replied the woman. Lily laughed.

"Well, he's not my husband or even my boyfriend. I have no relationship with him really. It's complicated."

"Always is."

Lily stole a look at the name card on the table. Each seat had a golden card set above the plates on the table that noted the name of the seat's owner in crafted black script. The woman's read: _Madam Amanda Weston, Director of Magical Transportation Division. _

"You work in the Ministry?" asked Lily, nodding toward the card. The woman followed with her eyes and shook her head, chucking.

"Oh no. I don't work for the Ministry. I can't even imagine how terrible I'd be with directing the Floo Network or Apparation points. I'd probably destroy the entrance to Diagon Alley on my first day at work," the woman responded.

"Your name card is wrong?"

"No. My card is perfect, it just happens to be in front of the seat I am supposed to sit in, the one that requires me to be surrounded by dull politicians," replied the woman, pointing to the table situated directly in front of the podium.

Not knowing how to respond politely, Lily recited a phrase she'd heard her father often say at his own dinner parties. "There's no more certain way to end polite conversation than to talk about religion or politics."

"Or You-Know-Who, these days," said Ms No-name, and though her voice was light, Lily wondered at the phrase she used, you know who. Who did she mean? Lily did not want to ask.

"And now we've breached two of three. Why not round it off. What are you beliefs concerning God?" The woman laughed and Lily smiled, glad she hadn't offended.

"What a pair we make, ignoring our duties in this party in favour of laughter."

"I have no duty here," said Lily.

"What about to the family of whom you are a guest, Miss Evans?" asked the woman reading Lily's own name card, showing her as _Miss Lily Evans, Guest of Knowles Family Heir. _

"I have no duties to them that I know of, except to escort my friend Christian to this Ball, and he is dancing with a friend--"

"The French Minister's daughter," interrupted the woman.

"He's dancing with the French Minister's daughter," Lily amended, "and I am having a wonderful conversation with you."

"Polite, aren't you?"

"No. I merely know how to sound charming for a moment or two. Endears people to me who otherwise might run away," Lily replied with a flip of her hand.

"Well, you've certainly charmed me."

"Well, you know what they say about charming people," Lily said.

"No. What do they say?"

"Well, nothing really, but I was hoping you wouldn't ask. Thanks a lot." The woman laughed.

"Miss Lily Evans, I am Cordelia Crouch, and I'm letting you know that I find you perfectly amusing," Cordelia Crouch announced, smiling. Lily preened.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You said your name is Crouch? That's sounds familiar."

"You might know of my husband, Bartemous Crouch," Mrs. Crouch replied. At Lily's shake of her head, she said, "Or my son, by that same name, at Hogwarts."

"That's it! Is he here?"

"No, I spare him the tedium of Balls, where his father works when he is not supposed to and I sneak away to speak with strangers," explained Mrs. Crouch.

"My mates were jealous of my invitation. They considered this a great honour."

"And where are these mates of yours?"

"At a party with nearly the whole school, shooting off fireworks, throwing steamers at one another, setting off poppers, and just generally having a great time."

"Exactly." Something in her tone, the way she said the word as if it truly did confirm a fact in her mind, made Lily wonder if this brown-haired woman truly understood.

"I don't suppose your friends are at a party like that?" she asked.

"I don't have any friends." Lily laughed as the woman winked. "But my husband is at our assigned table."

Lily looked over once more at the table positioned in the middle of the room, obviously central to the Ball. Looking at them, taking in the expense of their robes, the importance of their table, the prestige of their positions, Lily decided that the way she was talking to Mrs. Crouch was contrary to all socially acceptable behaviours. This woman came from a different class, a higher class. Lily couldn't bring herself to care. If she was willing to speak with her, Lily was not about to stop the one conversation that might salvage the night for her.

"Is he among the men with backs so stiff you'd think they're frozen?"

"You _are _outspoken, aren't you?" laughed Mrs. Crouch.

"Only because we're, you know, best friends." The exaggeration received a laugh from Mrs. Crouch, who knew that they were strangers, knew they would probably never speak again, were not supposed to be speaking even now.

"Best friends?"

"Oh, yes. You're even invited to my next sleep-over."

"Sleep over?" questioned Mrs. Crouch.

"Probably a Muggle thing."

"No. A child thing."

"As we have already established, I'm only seventeen and you _want_ to be seventeen, so a sleepover is appropriate. Besides, as best friends, we'll make it work." The woman laughed and Lily sat up straighter. This was her forte: she could control a room and the people in it if she tried. Their laughter fuelled her, gave her energy, pushed her forward. She could read a person within a moment of their introduction.

She knew, for instance, that the man who sat beside Mrs. Crouch at the beginning of the evening would laugh with Mrs. Crouch but never with Lily. He looked too condescendingly at her when she spoke, while Mrs. Crouch's laughter grew each time Lily spoke. Lily loved it, the attention, the giggles, the appreciation of her own dry sense of humour. It was a relief from the oppressive party atmosphere- one she willingly accepted.

"How many of these Balls have you attended?" Lily asked, changing gears.

"Too many."

"Are they always like this?"

"Boring?" Mrs. Crouch asked, laughing. "Yes, but the food is delicious, the decorations breathtaking, and the prestige unequalled."

"So long as the food is good." Lily replied, smirking as she remembered the way she built small castles out of the food in the prefect meetings.

** – **

A large majority of the guests had not arrived even by the time Christian managed to drag Lily away from Mrs. Crouch and toward the dance floor on the opposite side of the room. Not that Mrs. Crouch minded. She rose and moved back to her own table, sighting Lily as the only reason she stayed there as long as she had.

"Why are people making such a fuss over arriving fashionably late?" Lily asked Christian as he continued pulling her by the hand.

"What do you mean?"

"It's nearly nine already, the food is being eaten, and still many seats are unoccupied. In fact, no one has arrive in nearly an hour," Lily said.

"You're right," said Christian as they arrived on the dance floor. "It is strange."

But as the music floated (tangibly in the form of golden notes) over their heads and dancing couples pulled them into the rhythm of the floor, it was hard to care about the missing guests. Instead, even though Lily reminded herself that she did not want to lead Christian on, she let him place one hand on her back and wrap the other around her hand.

** – **

When the spinning began to tire her, allowing her the opportunity to acknowledge her aching feet and heart, Lily politely asked if they could return to their table. Christian nodded and led her back through the crowds of people. Even after the hour they had spent dancing- it was nearing ten at night- the final guests were nowhere to be seen. Just as she made note of this to Christian, a couple appeared on the apparation site and made Lily look terribly silly in Christian's eyes. "Never mind."

"Here we are," Christian said, pointing to their table. "If you don't mind, I'd like to speak with a friend of mine at table thirty."

"Would you like me to come with you?" Lily asked.

"No. It's work related." What work? Lily wondered, but said nothing as Christian walked away. She would have taken her seat and sat, bored, until his return, if she had not let her eyes wander of the room and spotted Mrs. Crouch looking terribly bored as she spoke to an elderly man. She picked up her purse and walked right over, but once there, she stood awkwardly behind the man (in plain view of Mrs. Crouch), wondering if she ought to interrupt. Mrs. Crouch decided for her.

"Lily!" she exclaimed, a look of relief covering her face. The man turned and looked at Lily with a mixture of amusement and disdain. "Charles, this is Miss Lily Evans. She attends Hogwarts with my son."

"Charmed," said Charles, inclining his head toward her. Lily assumed, from the lack of introduction, that she ought to know who he was. She didn't. Before she had the opportunity to ask, the sudden appearance of a dozen men in white masks and black robes distracted her.

** – **

A flurry of colours lit the room- red and black and yellow spells shot out from all around Lily, aimed for the men in black who sent there own spells back.

Men and women ran, screaming as they rushed to claim Portkeys, disappearing too quickly to take many with them. A woman lost her shoe in front of Lily. The robed men walked between tables, herding the guests into the corners, sending dangerous spells at them. Terror filled Lily; she couldn't even scream. All she could do was work on instincts built in the safety of the game she and her friends played: she grabbed her wand and cast a Shield Charm. She pushed Mrs. Crouch with her free hand towards her table. Her shield caught the attention of the spell crafters and was assaulted with curses and hexes. On the third spell, it broke. The fourth sent her flying backward, into a table- cracking it in two.

Black inched into her vision; pain shot through the back of her head, left leg and shoulder; and she felt a pull behind her navel. She was floating, airless and breathless as the pain in her body overwhelmed her senses. She was not even aware of the moment when the ground appeared beneath her once more. Lily tried to see what was happening, tried to stop the tears on her face from flowing, tried to ignore the pain, tried to breath without feeling sharp pains in her chest.

Popping sounds echoed around the area as people arrived. Someone grabbed Lily's arm. Crying out in pain and scrambling to escape, Lily tried to crawl away. Her useless left arm and throbbing leg halted her movement.

"This girl needs attention!" yelled a man above Lily, trying to make her stand.

"She's in shock," said a voice beside that one. A spell was muttered and Lily found herself floating. Lights flashed as blood seeped out of Lily. Then there was only darkness.


	8. Survivors

**Chapter 8**

Survivors 

The hospital bustled with activity. Healers rushed up and down the hall all day. Not that Lily interacted with them; she remained in her sickbed as trained Aurors wasted time standing outside her door, "protecting" her. It wasn't as if she was anyone important, or anyone likely to be attacked, they just liked putting on a big show of protecting the survivors of the Ball. Lily suspected that if the Ball had invited regular guests this would not be the case, but as only the most prominent and important people in society attended the Ball, it made sense. Too bad Lily was neither prominent nor important.

After the attack, Lily's parents were escorted to the hospital as quickly as possible and remained there for days. It was a big deal – they were apparently the first Muggles to gain access to the building in years, a triumph for the Muggle Rights Act. Not that Lily cared about that at the time. All _she_ cared about was the fact when she woke up with a splitting headache, terrified and screaming as much as her voice would let her, her mother had been there. The room had been sterile-smelling, completely foreign, and dimly lit. With the memories of hexes and curses flying around in Lily's head, she could not express her gratitude for her mother's comforting hand. Her parents calmed her down, let her know she was safe, hugged her too tightly, and cried as they told her a man was coming who could explain everything to her.

So now Lily sat staring at the Aurors stationed at her door while the Ministry official spoke to her like she was a child.

"When you arrived by Portkey you landed in a place called the Crystal Ball. It was a pretty room, wasn't it? You weren't supposed to be there, really. You were a guest of an important family. I want you to tell me what happened between that moment and when you left."

"Starting when?" Lily asked, still not looking at the man, only wishing that he would leave and deciding that the fastest way to rid herself of him would be to answer his questions.

"The moment you arrived."

"Well, we were greeted by the hostess and shown to-"

"Do you remember the name of the hostess?" interrupted the balding man.

"No."

"Was it Marissa?"

"I don't remember," repeated Lily, irked that he wouldn't listen.

"Was it Clara?"

"I really don't remember."

"All right," he said, making notes on his parchment. "What happened next?"

"Christian and I sat at the table, we drank some water, and I met Mrs. Crouch--"

"Cordelia Crouch?" asked the man in an urgent tone-- so urgent that Lily looked over at him and decided not to be bothered by his second interruption. Beads of sweat were dripping down the side of his face. He was so very, very gross.

"Yes, Cordelia Crouch."

"You remember her name and yet you don't remember the name of the hostess?" asked the man, taking frantic notes as though Lily had given away some large secret.

"Well, the hostess only showed me to my table. I spoke with Mrs. Crouch at length."

"You did?" The quill stopped moving as his disproportionately large eyes looked up at Lily.

"Yes."

"You spoke _at length _with Cordelia Crouch?" The incredulity in his voice would have driven Lily batty if she weren't trying so hard to keep calm for her parents. They did not really understand anything about the hospital or the Ministry of Magic, and Lily did not want them to think badly of either one.

"Yes, why? Did something happen to her?" A pang of fear ripped through Lily at the thought, but she quickly brushed it aside and replaced that feeling with denial. Nothing had happened to Mrs. Crouch. Nothing had happened to Mrs. Crouch. And then a thought struck. "And what about Christian? Is he all right?"

"I can't discuss a pending investigation with you," the man replied, sitting up and straightening his parchment.

"What pending investigation? I only want to know how they are," Lily snapped at him.

"They were at the Ball," he said condescendingly.

"What does that have to do with anything? I was there too. How are they?" Lily asked, urgency evident in her voice though she tried to hide it.

"I can't discuss a pending--"

"I heard you the first time. I just want to know what happened to them!"

"Is this because you allege to know these people?"

"Allege?" asked Lily, moving to stand up. Lily's mother and father, who both sat beside Lily on the side of the bed opposite the Ministry Official, tried to stop her movement, but she shrugged them off and sat up straighter, only to have a sharp pain in her chest cause her to cry out in pain and sink back into the bed.

"Lily?" her mother exclaimed. "Are you all right?"

Shaking her head as she clasped her hands over the pain, Lily closed her eyes to try and block out the pain. A Healer rushed over, pushed Lily's parents aside and executed several spells. Each one lessened both Lily's pain and her awareness. After a few moments breathing regularly – her mother's hand gripping hers, her father pouring her a glass of water – the Ministry Official spoke up.

"Are you calm enough to continue the questioning?" the irritating man asked.

"Are you ready to tell me what happened to Mrs. Crouch and Christian?" Lily replied, mimicking his tone. She was angry with him for avoiding the question, worried about Mrs Crouch and Christian, and deeply frustrated by the amount of pain her body was enduring.

"I told you that I cannot discuss a pending investigation."

"Then _I_ cannot continue to discuss this with you," interrupted Lily, beyond the point of caring about manners and politeness.

"We can skip to the end of the questions," the man said, as though arranging a large compromise, "if you tell me who hurt you so badly."

"They couldn't have hurt her too badly," protested Mr. Evans. "She hadn't a bruise on her body when we saw her, only hours after the incident."

"You're a Muggle. You don't understand--"

"I understand enough to know that my daughter only wants to know the condition of her friends and that you refuse to tell her how they are," retorted Mrs. Evans.

"I must follow protocol," the man replied, irritation growing in his voice, which only served to irritate Lily.

"Protocol?" Lily said. Why wouldn't he just tell her if they were hurt? No. No. She refused to think that they were anything other than perfectly healthy as she blinked back tears.

"Yes," he said. "I cannot discuss these matters with a potential accomplice."

"Accomplice!" shrieked Mrs. Evans. "Are you mad? My daughter is seventeen years old!"

This man thought she was one of the hooded figures? The Ministry thought she could have caused this trouble, hurt all those people? Faked this pain in her stomach and chest that were beginning to ache again? What was going on? Why was the room spinning? Why couldn't she hear anything? Was Christian all right?

During her panic attack, Lily did not see the same Healer running up to her and hitting her with a calming charm. Nor did she register the Sleeping Draught that she was forced to drink.

When Lily next opened her eyes, her parents were not by her side. Even the Ministry official was absent from her room. In their place was a woman in dark tailored robes with impeccable posture. The room was only dimly lit, but as Lily sat up in her bed, torches in four spots around the room flickered to life and that same, damn pain in her chest caused Lily to gasp.

"Are you all right, Miss Evans?" asked the woman, leaning forward and reaching out for Lily with her left hand. Lily pulled the sheets to her neck as she sat up and avoided the woman's touch.

"Who are you? Where are my parents?" Lily questioned, feeling dazed after the affects of the Sleeping Draught and the pain that no Healer came to alleviate.

"My name is Diana Brooks and I am Head of the Auror Department in the Ministry of Magic." Lily sat up higher, wincing slightly at the pain, and the woman pulled her chair closer.

"Where are my parents?"

"They're sleeping in the room adjacent to this one."

"Where?"

"One room over to the left," replied Ms Brooks, pointing. Lily's eyes followed the finger and saw only a wall.

"Why aren't they here?" Lily asked, her tone was quieter, less accusatory.

"Because they needed their rest as much as you needed yours."

"Why didn't they stay here?"

"Your parents – especially your father – were very suspicious of the potion the Healer gave you. They grew more worried when they could not wake you, and they called out to the Aurors at the doors that the man drugged you. They immediately took the official into custody. When the entire story was told and understood, it was decided that we would give your parents some of the Draught, as they were obviously suffering from lack of sleep after the days they spent by your side."

"And it was decided that they needed to be in a different room?" Lily asked, suspicious.

"It was assumed that they would be more comfortable in individual beds."

"And why are you here?" Lily asked, unnerved by this uninvited guest, bothered that her parents weren't beside her, and tired of her ribs hurting each time she took a breath.

"I'm investigating what happened at the Crystal Ball." The memory of the previous investigating Ministry Official was not a pleasant one. Lily did not want a repeat of that experience.

"I've already spoken to a man about it," Lily said stiffly.

"Yes, and that man is an imbecile, sent by a politician to give your story the right spin," said the woman as she leaned back in her chair. Barely digesting that information, Lily looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw the time to be eight-thirty, presumably in the morning.

"If he already has his spin, why did they send you?"

"They didn't. I came because two Aurors died that night, and I want to know what happened."

"Died?" Lily asked, shocked.

"Yes," she replied. "And I need to know what you saw in order to construct the most accurate account of the night." She took a moment to measure Lily's physical health, but Lily did not notice. Instead, she saw spells hurtling toward her, about to send her into a table. She shuddered.

"I didn't know anyone died," Lily said,

"It's classified information, another reason your parents are resting in a different room."

"But if people were killed, people ought to know."

"The families know. For now, that has to be enough," said the woman. Her tone reminded Lily of Professor McGonagall during prefect meetings.

"But that means the killer is extremely dangerous. People need to--"

"I don't disagree with you, Miss Evans, but the Minister of Magic does," explained the woman. Then her eyes locked on Lily's and without changing her tone, she said, "I want to know what you remember about what happened."

"Will you tell me what happened to Cordelia Crouch and Christian Knowles?" Lily pressed.

"They are both relatively healthy. Mrs. Crouch suffered a broken ankle. Mr. Knowles had minor bruises and cuts."

Lily sighed in relief relaxing against her pillows and unwilling spilled a few tears. "Good," she muttered, wiping away her tears. "But are you sure you're thinking of the right people? How do you know their injuries?"

"You're one of the last to wake. All of the others asked similar questions about their loved ones. I know about most of the injuries incurred at the Ball," she replied.

"The Ministry Official refused to tell me what happened to them," Lily said, composing herself. "He said he was not allowed to talk about pending investigations and that I might be an accomplice."

"The man you spoke with has no official tie to the investigation. He was never given a list of suspects. You were not and never have been under the investigation of the Auror Department, Miss Evans," the woman replied. Her brusque voice assured Lily as much as her words.

"All right," said Lily, wiping away the last of her tears and then locking eyes with the Auror Director. "Where do you want me to begin?"

"For the record," Ms. Brooks began, setting a piece of parchment and quill at the foot of Lily's bed, "please state your name and age."

"Lily Evans. Seventeen." The quill moved on its own, scratching across the parchment. The director looked over the parchment, nodded and turned back to Lily.

"How did you prepare for the evening?" asked Ms. Brooks.

"I went to my friend Tracy's house," began Lily. The quill moved in time with her words.

"What is her surname?" prompted Diana Brooks, eyeing the parchment before looking back at Lily.

"McGrath. She lives a few minutes from me, and was holding a party that night."

"Thank you. Please continue."

And so Lily recalled what she could of her New Year's Eve. She talked about Tracy's party and then walking home with Sam. She recounted waiting for Christian and learning about cars that drove themselves. She even remembered to complain about the cushioning charms in her shoes.

"After the car ride, Christian and I left the car and were in the middle of a creepy, dark alley. For a moment I thought he was insane, wanting to take me into that, but then the car drove itself off and I didn't want to be left alone, so I followed him. Then that freaky host showed up and terrified me." Lily paused, trying to remember the correct sequence of events.

"What do you mean 'freaky'?" asked the director. Lily tried to remember but couldn't quite articulate what she saw.

"He appeared out of nowhere, which scared me and my basic Muggle common sense. Plus, he had the strangest eyes I've ever seen. They were glazed, like he couldn't see anything. He blinked into and out of focus. It was like he was looking through me sometimes." Ms Brooks nodded and motioned for Lily to continue.

"Scared, I drew my wand on him. Christian was horrified and wanted me to put it down, but there was something wrong with him," Lily said, trying to explain. She did not want this woman to think she was some sort of trigger-happy teen, wanting to curse anything and everything in sight.

"How did the man react to your threat?"

"He hardly reacted at all; he told me the Auror Director had drawn her wand faster. Oh! That was you, wasn't it?" Lily asked. When Diana Brooks shook her head, Lily looked questioningly at her.

"Miranda McCloud, my predecessor, died that night." Ms. Brook's tone never changed, but Lily looked at this woman and was filled with pity for her.

"I'm so sorry."

"Please continue your story," said Ms. Brooks.

The rest of the story came quickly, leading up to the conversation with Mrs. Crouch.

"Cordelia Crouch?" the Director asked in a break in the story as Lily painfully reached to her nightstand to grab the glass of water on it.

"Yes," replied Lily, still trying to get the drink.

"That's why you asked about her when you woke?" the Director pressed, flicking her wand and levitating the water into Lily's outstretched hands. Careful not to spill any on herself, Lily nodded and took a sip.

"The Ministry Official kept asking about her. He didn't seem to believe that I spoke with her," Lily said, lowering the cup onto her lap.

"Many believe that Mrs. Crouch's husband is in line to become the next Minister of Magic. I'm sure the Official doubted that the Crouches were seated at your table," the Director explained, but Lily understood that it was also a question and explained about Mrs. Crouch sitting with friends and then talking with Lily while Christian danced.

"If I ask her, Mrs. Crouch will corroborate your story?"

"Yes, and if you speak with her before me, please tell her I'm sorry about shoving her," Lily interjected, lifting the cup back up to her lips – an action which kept her from seeing the questioning glance that crossed the Director's mien.

Once she finished with the cup, the Director floated it over to the nightstand and Lily began her story again. She spoke about dancing with Christian, noticing how few guests had arrived, and then making her way back over to Mrs. Crouch's table as Christian wandered away to do some work.

"Work? What work?"

"I don't know," Lily replied, shrugging her shoulders and almost doubling over in pain because of that simply action. "Christian and I broke up in August and we haven't kept in touch very well. I don't even remember if he mentioned the name of his friend."

"You broke up and yet he asked you to be his escort?"

"Yes."

"Were you friends?"

"No. Not particularly." Once more, the Director seemed thoughtful before motioning for Lily to continue. It bothered Lily. Why did the Director care if she and Christian were friends? Lily retold the story of the sudden arrival of the robed men, and for the first time in the long conversation, Director Diana Brooks interrupted.

"Death Eaters," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"The robed men, they call themselves Death Eaters."

"What a horrible name," replied Lily as she tried to understand the purpose of such a vicious title. "And they were cowards, wearing masks, not wanting to own up to their choices."

"Yes, they are," agreed Brooks.

It didn't take long for Lily to finish her story after that. She spoke of shoving Mrs. Crouch toward her table, casting the Shield Charm, being hit by a few curses that threw her back into a table, and then waking up in the hospital. She couldn't remember anything in between those two moments, no matter how hard she tried.

"When you were thrown against the table, you knocked into a group of wizards using one of the last Portkeys. Mr. Jones, the Director of Magical Justice, grabbed your wrist," explained Ms. Brooks. "Unfortunately, he grabbed you at the moment of departure. The resulting force cracked your wrist into three pieces."

"My wrist?" asked Lily, looking down at her wrists and not noticing any significant difference.

"Yes. Your injuries were extensive."

"But my father and mother said--"

"Your father and mother are Muggles, Miss. Evans. If they looked at your school, they would see rubble. What makes you believe they could see all the ways you were hurt?" That silenced Lily and made her feel a pang in her heart as she felt yet another brick being added to the wall that separated her from her Muggle roots.

"How badly was I hurt?"

"You remember nothing of being brought here?"

"No. One moment I felt pain as I hit the table and the next thing I remember, my parents were beside me and I was in this bed hurting. I hurt so much and I felt like I was choking. I kept trying to say something, anything. I yelled for my wand, but I couldn't make a sound."

"You slept for three days as the Healers worked on you. This is your fourth day at St. Mungo's."

"Four days?"

"Your parents arrived on the first day, but Healers work first on the most obvious injuries, covering and healing them. All Muggle signs of trauma were hidden. But your injuries were extensive: you broke your left leg and fractured you left shoulder; your right elbow was shattered, what the Healers claimed was the result of blunt trauma; pieces of wood from the splintered table were lodged in your back; and three of your ribs had cracked, one puncturing a lung. To ensure your safety as they worked on the internal bleeding and punctured lung, the Healers gave you massive doses of Sleeping Draught and Pain Relief Potion."

Lily looked at the woman sitting in front of her. Ms Diana Brooks was a fit woman, filled with muscles from running and an intense stare that scared Lily. How did she know all about Lily's injuries? How did she know things that even Lily didn't? Could Lily believe this woman, trust her to tell the truth to a girl she did not know?

"I had no idea," Lily said.

"You were asleep." But Lily shook her head, hating that she could not know her body well enough to know what had happened to her. She hated that she had not recognized the strange pains in her body as coming from broken bones and punctured insides.

"What happened at the Ball after I left?" Lily asked, determined to think about something else. Diana Brooks leaned back in her chair and gave Lily a shrewd look, asking with her eyes if Lily was strong enough to hear the truth. Lily squared her shoulders and met the woman's gaze.

"Most of the other witnesses woke before you and we have their accounts, but they still conflict in some areas," cautioned the Director. Lily nodded for the woman to continue.

"From what the other witnesses have said, four groups of Death Eaters herded guests into the corners of the room as a smaller band of them fought off any magical attacks the guests might have thrown. That coincided with the casting of your Shield Charm. Yours was the brightest of the Shields; it attracted the attention of that group. You were attacked and eventually hit by a hex that threw you into a table. Mr. Jones grabbed you and you left. Moments before that, the Aurors stationed at the Ball had evacuated all important personnel, including Mr. Crouch and his wife."

"Good," Lily said, sighing. "Then what happened?"

"This is where the stories diverge. Many escaped by Portkey, but two-dozen guests remained locked in the room. In some cases it was because they sent their family ahead, but in the case of the Prewetts, it was because their Portkey had not recharged yet."

"They must have been the people I saw arrive as we left the dance floor," Lily said, thinking aloud.

"They arrived late and were the apparent targets of the attack. When You-Know-Who arrived--"

"Who?"

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"Who? What? I don't know who you're talking about," Lily said, annoyed. Once more Director Brooks's intense stare focused on Lily and after a moment's staring contest, she slightly inclined her head.

"I meant Voldemort," said Ms. Brooks. "Most of the witnesses have preferred that his name not be mentioned."

"That's stupid," Lily murmured, wondering why they wouldn't want to know the name of their attacker. Lily certainly wanted to know how attacked her. Plus, it was confusing to say you know who and expect other people know what you were talking about.

"When he arrived, his Death Eaters--"

"_His _Death Eaters?" Lily repeated, shaking her head. "I don't understand."

"The robed men you saw arrive are followers of Voldemort."

"I didn't know he had followers. Is it like a cult or something?"

"That would be a very good description."

"So all of those robed men, those Death Eaters, they hate Muggle-borns as well?"

"Yes."

"All right," Lily said. Sure, why not? "Please continue."

"By the time Voldemort arrived, the Death Eaters had already detained the Prewetts. He spoke to them, though no one heard what they said. Then he killed them. Witnesses say Mr. and Mrs. Prewett sat proudly at their table, even as the green light came." The woman's powerful voice caught for a moment, but then she continued. "Luckily, there was a wizard in the room who knew how to disable the wards from within. As Voldemort spoke with the Prewetts, that man asked the other guests to block him from their view. When he disabled the wards, the Aurors came and Voldemort and his followers fled."

"They fled?" exclaimed Lily, her sense of right and wrong flaring up alongside the pain in her chest. "You didn't catch them? You didn't punish them?"

"They were gone by the time we arrived," explained Ms Brooks.

"Couldn't you have traced them, followed them?" Lily asked, her sense of right and wrong horribly upset. This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. The bad side was supposed to lose, be caught and punished. They weren't supposed to _escape._

"We tried and were unsuccessful." Now Ms. Brooks' tone irritated Lily. Why was her intensity focused on Lily, why not on men who hurt her and the Prewetts? Why wasn't she doing something instead of lounging about a hospital?

When the door opened, Lily instinctively reached out for her wand on her bedside table, but could not find it. She looked for it briefly, not able to remember a time in the last five years when her wand was not in sight. The man that opened the door was an Auror, announcing the end of his shift. Ms. Brooks nodded to him as Lily continued her search.

"What are you looking for?"

"My wand," Lily replied, distracted for the moment as she leaned forward in order to lift and look under her pillow. The twisting hurt so much that she stopped the effort.

"It was broken at the Ball."

"What?" whispered Lily, turning to face the woman.

"We found it on the floor and took the pieces to Ollivander's hoping for a match with one of the Death Eaters. He identified it as yours. Then we burned it."

"Burned?"

"Standard procedure."

"Standard procedure? You burned my wand!" Lily yelled. Why she cared so much about her wand, why the thought of it broken formed a lump in her throat, why she had to blink to keep back the tears was lost on Lily. It didn't make any sense! When she heard the news of the deaths at the Ball, all she felt was surprise, but when she thought about her wand-- her precious wand-- broken, it hurt.

****

"Would you like an ice cream cone before we buy your wand?" Mrs. Evans asked Lily as the pair passed Florean Fortesque's.

"No, thank you," Lily replied. Faith watched her shove her hands in her pockets and lower her head.

The Healers had decided to keep Lily for over a week under their hawk-eyed inspection. Mrs. Evans suspected that the week wouldn't have passed so badly, had Lily been able to receive owls. But as one of the other injured from the "Shattered Crystal Ball," had received a hexed letter, all mail had been stopped.

As there had been over two hundred people at the Ball and only ten had remained in the hospital as long as Lily, Faith thought it was a bit of an over precaution. It wasn't as if her daughter her was someone important.

"Do you want some new dress robes?" Faith Evans tried enticing her daughter when she caught sight of the brightly decorated robe shop.

"Maybe later," murmured Lily. Faith tried to understand.

Faith Evans did not understand her daughter. Normally, Lily would have jumped at the opportunity to buy new clothes, eat sweets, and have her mother pick up the tab. But today she was withdrawn, angry. She understood that her daughter had not wanted to stay in the hospital as long as she had; to tell the truth, Faith would have preferred her youngest daughter to go back to school on time, rather than three days late, but they were the Healers, not she, and so she had acquiesced to their requests.

It hadn't been that horrible, right? Lily hadn't had a mark on her. There was no internal bleeding or casts or needles that needed to be injected. What was Lily so quiet about?

Pushing the door open to the dark old store, Faith had to keep herself from glancing around in wonder at the dust in the room. Why didn't magic ever help with the daily cleaning needs of people?

"Hello, Lily Evans." Faith jumped.

"You scared me!" snapped Faith at the silver-haired, too-big eyed man who had appeared out of nowhere. She vaguely remembered him from their first trek into his store five years earlier, but at that time the store had been filled with four children and their families. The man had been racing between the students.

"Hello, Mr. Ollivander," said Lily, half-smiling at her mother's shock. "I need a new wand."

"Yes. You do. I saw what happened to the old one. Very sad business, to see a broken wand," he said in hollow tones.

"Yes," replied Lily, nodding and trying to fend off a bout of sadness. Faith, not really understanding how much these two people could care about a stick of wood, looked at her daughter with caring eyes and reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. While Lily stood under the protection and care of her mother's hand, Mr. Ollivander blinked his large eyes at Lily and nodded, as if approving her feelings. Then he slipped into the back of the store and returned with an armful of boxes.

"Let's begin, shall we?"

And so they stood together, these three unlikely people: a Muggle mother trying to protect her daughter from a force she did not understand; a man selling children a tool to bend magic to their purpose, whether it be destruction or construction; and a teenager torn between those worlds. They stood and Lily took wand after wand into her hand until, at last, the familiar tingling raced up her arm and a blue bubble appeared out of the end of the wand.

"Ten inches, oak wood, Dragon's heartstring core," Mr. Ollivander recited. Lily nodded her head, pretending like that information was important, but really it meant nothing. "Extremely good for charms and hexes."

"Hexes?" sputtered both Lily and her mother.

"Yes."

"I don't think this is the right wand for me," said Lily, putting the wand on the register desk, shaking her head at it.

"Well, it's the wand that chooses the witch, not the other way around," replied Mr. Ollivander, walking behind the counter and beginning to wrap up the wand.

"You don't understand," pleaded Lily. "I'm no good at hexes. That wand isn't for me. I'm more the defensive type."

"The wand thinks differently," said Mr. Ollivander, tying the bow on top of the box before looking expectedly at Mrs. Evans. Faith, for her part, couldn't decide whether she ought to agree with her daughter or the expert. Having a wand that was good at hexes seemed morally wrong and if her daughter didn't want it, why couldn't she have a different one? But if the shop owner said the wand had to choose her…

"The wand is wrong. I got a Troll on my Defence O.W.L. That isn't supposed to even be possible," babbled Lily. She looked wildly around at the shop owner and then her mother, imploring both to understand. Lily did not know why the idea of owning a wand good at hexes terrified her so much; she only knew that she would never use that wand. "Let me pick a new one."

"You can't. Once a wand has picked you, no other wand will," explained Mr. Ollivander.

"If that's the case, Lily, we ought to buy this one. You don't have to hex anyone if you don't want," Mrs. Evans said, opening her purse.

"No! There are other wand stores. Let's shop around a bit."

"There are no other wand shops in England," replied Mr. Ollivander. Lily's shoulders slumped and her head drooped.

"Can't I have a wand that isn't perfectly suited for me?"

"A wizard will never have the same results with another wizard's wand."

"Then we will take this one. I won't have you sacrifice your studies for a wand preference," said Mrs. Evans. Lily struggled to think of another excuse. Maybe she could just start crying. That would surprise both of them and maybe then they would not make her take this stupid wand, this stupid dangerous wand that obviously did not know her at all. Mrs. Evans walked forward and placed an arm around her daughter's shoulders, giving her a half-hug before nodding at Mr. Ollivander and paying the price that he asked.

Lily, glaring at the package the whole while, grabbed it angrily off the counter and shoved it in her purse. Fine. _Fine_. If Ollivander insisted that she take this wand that was just fine. Lily would simply never cast any hexes. Ever.


	9. Home Again

**Chapter 11**

**Going Home Again**

Whispers raced around Lily as she stepped into the Great Hall beside Headmaster Dumbledore.

He had come down to the train station to personally escort her back to the Hogwarts grounds, but now that she was here with people turning in their seats to get a better look at the-girl-who-arrived-late, she wished she could go right back to the train station. Instead, being of strong character and stubborn to the point of sickness, she remained in place just long enough for everyone to see her, then she smiled, said a polite thank you to the headmaster, and walked over to the Gryffindor table. At least she tried to. Before she reached her destination, three friends came rushing over

"I'm so glad you're okay," said Tracy, running straight at Lily and enveloping her in a hug near the Hufflepuff table.

"Me, too," said Christine as she reached and hugged Lily.

Sam stood slightly behind them, looking at Lily with large, scared brown eyes. Never one to like being the centre of attention, hugging her friend in the middle of the Great Hall terrified Sam and it meant a lot to Lily that she had attempted it. Or it would have meant a lot to Lily if she hadn't been so annoyed with being the focus of every student's gaze.

The friends walked over to the Gryffindor table together- Tracy and Christine talking and Sam remaining silent. Lily sat in between Sam and Tracy as Christine sat across from them.

"Why's everyone looking at me?" Lily asked, glancing around the room.

"They're just curious about why you came to school late," Tracy said.

"They don't know?" Lily asked.

"They probably do. It's Hogwarts," said Tracy, squashing Lily's hopes that she could avoid any notice because of her holiday activities. "Rumours spread faster than a snitch here."

"That sucks," Lily moaned, rubbing her temples with her pointer fingers.

"No it doesn't. You're famous," Christine chirped.

"I'm not famous. I'm not even noteworthy."

"Sure you are. You were there. I heard that you might have even seen Voldemort, though I didn't believe the bit about you duelling with him," Christine said. Lily looked at her blond haired friend with wide eyes, wondering what sort of rumours she had actually heard.

"How in the world could you even consider that?" asked Lily, not bothering to keep the incredulity out of her voice. In three years, if she were presented with that same rumour, she would have to reluctantly admit the truth in that statement. At just nineteen she would have experienced that incredible experience.

"Wouldn't that be cool, though, for you to had survived an attack of the Dark Lord?"

_No! _Lily wanted to shout, wanted to scream. But instead she tuned her friend out and turned back to her food, trying to forget the haunted look in Director Brooks' eyes when she spoke of her predecessor and Mr. Prewitt. Trying not to dwell on things she could not change, Lily turned her mind to food and how good she felt to be at Hogwarts again. It was like putting on her favourite pair of pyjamas: warm and safe and familiar.

** – **

"Miss Evans," came the voice of the headmaster behind Lily, "would you please come with me?"

"Of course," Lily replied. She briefly glanced at her still-full and still-not-appetizing plate of food before smiling at her friends and turning to the headmaster. He smiled back, then motioned for her to walk with him. Once outside the Great Hall, Lily let a breath out that she was not aware she had held.

"It will become easier," Headmaster Dumbledore said quietly. Lily looked over and noticed that his blue eyes were looking right at her even as he led her through the corridors. "Every meal, every day, it will become a little easier."

Lily did not know why she had to blink back tears as she nodded in response to his words. She did not know why her throat tightened even as her brain rang out in protest.

"Where are we going, sir?" Lily asked, changing the subject and looking back down the corridor.

"The Healers from St. Mungo's have given very specific instructions to Madam Pomfrey regarding your care. She wishes to discuss the details with you."

"All right," replied Lily. That made sense. That was normal.

A few more corridors were traversed, a few staircases climbed, before the Infirmary lay in sight.

"Sir, does everyone know about the Ball?" Lily asked, noticing the way the pictures eyed her and the headmaster as they passed.

"There has been no announcement, but the staff have been informed of the reason for your late arrival," Dumbledore replied.

"Oh. Okay."

In truth, Lily would have preferred for _no one _to know what happened: not the professors, not the students, not even Dumbledore. It isn't like anything really happened. Lily hadn't been there when Voldemort arrived. She did not see the Prewetts- well, Lily had been passed out by the time anything really happened, and so she did not want people to think that she had experienced something that she hadn't. She did not want people to look at her differently.

But if all the people treated her like Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey did once she was in the Infirmary, Lily thought it wouldn't be that bad. They both acted like nothing had changed. Neither of them brought it up, nor even alluded to it. They treated Lily exactly as they had before the hols, except for the fact that Pomfrey insisted that Lily come up to her office each night to take a potion.

"You need to take it for at least one month. It's to help with the pain in your chest, though the papers claim no one suffered any real injuries. As if a punctured lung and a cracked rib weren't _real_," explained the matron, clucking her tongue as if that demonstrated uselessness of Ministry Officials and newspaper reports. "You'll feel some short, sharp pains if you overexert yourself, but report to me if the pain remains longer than a moment or has no obvious cause."

"I will. Thank you," Lily replied, nodding and drinking the potion.

"If that is all, you may return to your dormitory, Miss Evans." Madam Pomfrey nodded curtly, as though approving the headmaster's words. It was interesting to Lily to see that Dumbledore deferred some decisions to the resident Healer. Lily watched the little woman scuttle back to the far side of the Hospital Wing and open a door to a room. In that brief moment between open and closed, Lily saw Remus Lupin standing in the shadows, but stood and walked out of the Wing before he could start wondering about her presence there.

** – **

In her dorm that night, Lily thought of the loads of work that she would undoubtedly have to make up, and winced. She had missed four days of classes that were becoming increasingly difficult as the professors forced students to consider their seventh year projects more seriously and, at the same time, study for the practice N.E.W.T.s that were to take place at the end of this year. Missing four days just wasn't supposed to have happened.

Stupid Ball. Stupid Death Eaters. Stupid Voldemort.

"Lily," called a quiet voice from just next to Lily's bed. Lily drew back her curtains to find Sam crouched in the darkness. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Lily replied, opening her curtain more and motioning for Sam to sit on the bed by her feet. Sam then soundproofed and closed the curtains before turning back to Lily.

"How are you?" Sam asked, the seriousness in her voice bothering Lily.

"I'm fine," Lily replied automatically, her manners beating the truth in the race to her mouth.

"You sure?"

"I-" Lily took a moment to relax against her pillow and close her eyes. _I'm frustrated and annoyed, to tell the truth, and I don't know why. _"I just wish everyone wouldn't make such a big deal out of what happened."

"It _was_ a big deal."

"Well. Okay. It was a big deal, but nothing really happened to me. I just happened to be there."

"Exactly. You were there."

"And that's supposed to be impressive?"

"Not impressive, just intriguing. The press has said so little about what happened. We were frantic, trying to find information. The news of the attacks was the first thing we heard about after waking up on New Year's Day.

"Christine was the first to think to owl you, but the owl returned unopened. So we went over to your parents' home just in time to see the Aurors escorting them out of the house and into black cars."

Sam picked at the mattress and Lily stared at her dark-haired friend with remorse. She hadn't thought about what it must have been like for them, not knowing. She would have driven herself mad trying to find out information about Tracy or Christine or Sam.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault. It was You-Know-Who's."

"Voldemort," Lily supplied.

"Yes, You-Know-Who."

"Yes. I do know who. It was Voldemort."

"No. That's not what I meant. People are starting to call Voldemort You-Know-Who, because saying his name makes too many people angry and scared."

"That's stupid. It's just a name," scoffed Lily. Sam gave Lily a half smile and embraced her; Lily thought she might be crying so she rubbed her friend's back, trying to comfort her. "It's okay. I'm fine now."

"I told you to be careful," said Sam breaking out of the embrace and wiping her tears with the ends of her sleeping gown, "and then you went and got caught up in this."

Lily laughed. "Right. Sorry about that. Next time, I'll heed your words more carefully."

"Next time? What do you mean next time?"

"I don't know," said Lily, shrugging, "It just sounded right."

"No. It sounded horrible. That will never happen again to you, if I have anything to say about it."

"And, fortunately, you organize Voldemort's day planner so he'll have to listen to you, is that it?"

"How can you talk about him so flippantly? How can you make jokes?" asked Sam, shaking her head and destroying the almost-happy atmosphere.

Lily wanted to tell Sam that taking him seriously was terrifying. She wanted to say that to not joke would make the situation worse. She wanted to explain, in careful tones, that if the Prewetts could die without quivering, without fear, and with dignity, then the least Lily could do was laugh at the man who wanted to steal laughter.

Instead, she claimed to be tired and avoided the question. Sam took the hint and left as silently as she came. Lily, meanwhile, tucked her hands under the pillow where she placed her head, and tried to sleep.

** – **

"Sorry I'm late, Professor," Lily mumbled as she ducked her head and hurried past Professor McGonagall and into her seat in Transfiguration. She expected a reprimand, a scolding, a something. Instead, when she looked up, it was to see Professor McGonagall nodding at her.

_That's odd_, Lily thought, catching the eye of the professor and seeing a certain- a certain something there that wasn't there before.

"What was that about?" Lily asked Tracy, who sat to her left. Tracy averted her gaze, shrugged and began taking notes.

Well, fine, if that was the way Tracy was going to act, Lily wouldn't care. She would turn right back to the front of the class and pretend that nothing weird happened with McGonagall. Yep. She would sit right there and take notes and care about how to transform a book into a dog. Any minute now she would start scratching away with her quill instead of staring uselessly at the paper in front of her.

Unfortunately, Lily was lying to herself. As the class dragged on (and on and on), Lily did not take a single note. She felt bored –- or maybe restless -– definitely something that wasn't conducive to studying or note taking. If she had spent some time analysing her feelings she might have discovered the reason, but she had no desire to undergo such introspective thoughts.

During the practical part of the lesson, Lily did not even attempt the spell; she was still wary of the wand lying on her desk – the wand she refused to call her own. And when Professor McGonagall began discussing the up-coming assignment, Lily thought back on the class and realized that she remembered none of it. What had she done for the last hour and a half?

"Miss Evans, please wait a moment," came the voice of Professor McGonagall, dragging Lily out of her thoughts and slamming her back into reality. Lily wanted to groan; how she dreaded another lecture from McGonagall about setting an example, about how her rank as prefect affected others.

"We'll wait for you outside," Sam told Lily as she packed her things.

"Don't worry about it," Lily replied, putting her blank parchment and unused quill into her bag. "You all have Defence next and I have a break. I'll find you at lunch."

"You sure?" Tracy pressed.

"Yes," replied Lily, an irrational stab of irritation snapping up in response to the look that Tracy was directing at her – the mix of pity and concern. There was nothing to be concerned about.

"It would be easy to wait. Are you sure-"

"She's sure. We're late. Let's go," interrupted Christine, walking up behind Tracy and pushing her right past Lily and out the door. Lily smiled at the retreating back of her friend, not for the first time grateful that Christine was her friend.

"I'll see you at lunch?" asked Sam, the only other student in the room. Lily looked over and nodded, so Sam left, shutting the door behind her.

In her absence, the size of the room seemed to shrink and pull Lily closer to McGonagall. For some reason, that put Lily on edge.

Once she finished organising everything in her bag, Lily shouldered it and moved to the front of the room and toward the Transfiguration professor's desk. She kept her eyes darting around the room as long as she could before finally looking up to meet her professor's eyes. When she did so, she did not see what she expected: in place of anger and reproach there was… Lily didn't know, but McGonagall's expression did not seem right. In fact, the normally cool woman looked like _she _was uncomfortable.

"Miss Evans," she began, standing and holding her hands together, "as your Head of House, I wanted to open a line of communication between us. If ever you feel the desire to discuss what happened over the break, I will listen."

Lily had no idea what to say. Professor McGonagall was attempting to reach out and comfort Lily, but it was obvious that neither woman was particularly comfortable. Lily did not want to create a friendship with her professor – honestly, what student would? – and McGonagall's invitation was awkward, though Lily could not explain exactly why.

"Thank you," Lily replied after too-long a pause.

"You're welcome. And I will understand if you wish to transfer your patrol this evening."

"My patrol?"

"You and Mr. Lupin are scheduled to have a patrol tonight, but as I said, I would understand if you asked another student to substitute."

"No. Thank you for the offer, but I'll work the patrol," replied Lily.

Though it was tempting to take advantage of the sympathy of her professor, Lily knew that except for the occasional, minor pain in her chest, she was neither ill nor hurt. Thus, if she skived off the patrol, she would be wracked with guilt. Yes, the patrols were long, silent, and boring, but they were still her responsibility.

** – **

Lily received two more invitations to "talk": one from Professor Flitwick who stopped her in the corridor and another from Hagrid, who she had seen when she walked around the Lake before lunch. Both times, as with Professor McGonagall, Lily did not know how to respond. Was she supposed to be flattered? Excited or relieved? All she felt was a vague sense of unease from the professors and a growing irritation inside herself. Why did they all think that she needed to talk about the Ball? Compared to everyone else, she had hardly experienced anything. She left before the real pain was inflicted. Plus, she had already spoken to two Ministry Officials. Wasn't that enough talking? All Lily wanted to do was return to her normal habits and routines.

To make matters worse, when Lily walked into the Great Hall that day for lunch there was a hush and then a tumult of voices. If they hadn't known about the Ball last night, it was obvious that every student at Hogwarts knew what happened now.

As she walked to her table, red sparks shot out of the wand she clutched in her left hand.

"Angry much?" Christine asked, tossing a roll at Lily. The redhead deftly caught it and threw it back at her, bouncing it off her head.

"Ow!" yelled Christine, making Lily smile as she sat down across from her.

"You deserved that."

"For what?" asked Christine sadly as she rubbed her head.

"For throwing it at me first," replied Lily. Christine rested her head down on her folded arms on the table and closed her eyes.

"What happened to Christine?" Tracy asked as she sat down beside Lily and grabbed an apple to munch on.

"Lily viciously attacked me," Christine pouted, raising her head enough to look at Tracy.

"Again?" Tracy asked after a brief moment of hesitation and a glance at Lily. Christine pouted more and glared.

"I tried using the _Crutacius_, but she dodged. That poor first year, on the other hand, was another story," Lily quipped, looking over the piles of food and finding nothing appetizing. If she had been looking up, she would have seen a stricken look cross the face of her beater friend. She picked up a roll and just as she was raising it to her mouth, her felt a small wet object bounce off her forehead before the grape landed in front of her on the table.

"Did you just throw a grape at me?" Lily asked Christine, disbelieving. She nodded. "Why?"

"Pre-emptive strike. You armed yourself."

"I picked up a roll to eat," Lily replied, holding it up in her right hand as if to prove her point.

"I was scared," complained Christine.

"You're the strangest person I know," Lily said, shaking her head.

"That's not nice," Christine said. "You know a lot of people."

"And of all of them, only you throw grapes at me," Lily replied.

"True," Christine admitted, taking a bite out of an apple.

"I'll be right back," said Tracy, standing and distracting Lily.

Lily watched her small, brown-haired friend walk down the length of the table and sit beside a tired-looking James Potter and angry Sirius Black. As she continued observing them, Tracy sat beside James, who slumped even further. Sirius shouted something, stood and threw his goblet at the table before storming off. James, meanwhile, tilted his head and rested it on top of Tracy's, looking so tired that Lily wondered if he had fallen asleep.

"Christine?" Lily asked to get her friend's attention, not taking her eyes away from the far end of the table. In response she got a grape thrown at her head again. She glanced at her friend and Christine had the grace to look regretful.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Would you stop with the grapes?"

"It was a reflex."

"It doesn't matter," sighed Lily, mentally shaking her head before getting back to alleviating her curiosity. "What's going on with James?"

"James Potter?" asked Christine, turning to look at him and Tracy, still sitting together. "I don't know. You ought to ask Tracy."

"You're a lot of help."

"I never claimed to be. I haven't even seen James since New Year's Eve, when he left the party early," Christine replied, reaching across two younger students in order to obtain a piece of pumpkin pie.

"He left early?"

"Yep. He received an owl, and then he, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew left in a hurry," she answered, taking a large bite of pie.

"What about Sirius Black?"

"He didn't come at all. And James and Sirius only returned to school today. Remus isn't back yet."

"Remus isn't back yet?" Lily asked, remembering her brief glimpse of him in the Hospital Wing the night before.

"No," Christine replied, and Lily mentally shrugged.

"And Peter Pettigrew?"

"He came back on time."

"Oh," said Lily, trying and failing to keep her eyes from the far end of the table, trying and failing to not care about what happened over the hols. Lily put down the roll she had yet to take a bite of, and stared blankly at the table as she tried to clear her mind.

** – **

Walking down to her patrol felt vaguely odd. Actually, being at school felt vaguely odd. Instead of the oppressive protection she experienced at the hospital, when house-elves appeared if Lily so much as sneezed, here she was able to roam the halls freely. It was a bit disquieting to be in such a large school without any protection except for a wand that she refused to use.

Normally, she and Remus met in the main corridor, but when she arrived, no one was there to meet her. She was eager to see if he would come, if Christine had been wrong and if Remus had already returned. The corridors seemed longer and more foreign as she walked through them. She wrapped her cloak about herself, refusing to be scared by the familiar castle. How many times had she raced through these corridors before? What had changed?

"Lily." The echoing voice made Lily jump and spin around, fumbling for her wand.

"Who's there?" she called as she pointed the wand in the direction of the voice. She saw only darkness until a figure stepped forward and the light from his head boy badge lit up his face.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine when people don't sneak up on me in the middle of dark corridors," Lily snapped back, trying to control her breathing. With the adrenaline leaving her body, the pain in her chest became more apparent. It dissipated quickly, leaving her body completely by the time her wand was lowered to her side.

"Sorry," Matt said, sounding so sincere that Lily wanted to throw her wand at his head. She did not want pity.

"Never mind. Why are you here?"

"Remus hasn't returned to school yet," said Matt, sounding suspicious. Lily herself was suspicious. She could have _sworn _that Remus had been in the Hospital Wing the night before. It must have shown on her face because Matt soon looked at her and asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I was just thinking that he ought to be here by now."

"Well," said Matt, taking a step closer, "I think he is here."

"Then why isn't he in class?" Lily asked, questioning herself as much as him.

"Because no one wants us to know he's here."

"And why would they want us to know that?"

"Because it's easier to excuse him missing a day of classes if he missed a whole week than to write it off as another trip to visit a sick relative," Matt said.

"What are you talking about?"

"I think-" Matt cut himself off. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. You have enough to deal with."

"Matt!" exclaimed Lily. "Are you joking? You can't just say that and not explain."

"Are you sure you're well enough?"

"Of course I'm well enough!" Why wouldn't she be?

"Well. I only-" he cut himself off again.

"Yes?" prompted Lily.

"I think Remus Lupin is a werewolf," he said at last.

Of all of the things that Lily had expected Matt to say – that he thought Remus had a long term illness, tendency to tap dance when really angry, toe-fungus problem – accusing Remus Lupin of being a werewolf was almost the last thing she could have imagined. It came right after her guess that he would accuse Lily of kissing Severus Snape or bearing Professor Flitwick's child.

"Are you joking?" Lily asked, disbelieving.

"No. Let me explain."

"You don't have to. You're insane. Have you ever spoken with Remus Lupin? He's a mouse. And if you've looked at him lately, you would see that a strong wind could blow him over. The idea of him being a werewolf is ridiculous."

"How often does he miss class?"

"I don't know. A lot. Maybe once a week or something."

"Are you sure it isn't once a month?" Matt asked, pressing. Lily shook her head at the idea, then stopped. Remus certainly _seemed _to miss class more than just once a month, but maybe since he was the _only _person who missed class, it seemed more often than it was. "Are you sure he doesn't miss only the days of the full moon, days like today?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"I have scheduled you and him for every full moon and every half moon for the rest of the year. Do you know which ones he has cancelled so far? Only the full moons."

"Listen," Lily said, shaking herself mentally. "He's only cancelled two yet this year, and that might be a coincidence. This time he missed the whole week, not just the moon."

"Exactly why they kept his return a secret, to hide his lycanthropy," Matt said.

"Do you really think the headmaster would involved in a large-scale conspiracy?"

"Do you really think Dumbledore would announce to the world that he let a werewolf come to Hogwarts?"

Lily walked over to the stairs and sat on them. This was too much to take in. Too much. Remus couldn't be a werewolf. He couldn't. He was too shy. Too timid. He was weak and frail and sick _all the time_. Or was he just sick on full moons?

Trying to remember what she learned about werewolves in third year, Lily ran through all of the symptoms. She made a mental checklist of all the things that were tributes of a werewolf and realized that she could never think Remus Lupin was a werewolf. He just wasn't _vicious _enough. But at the same time, she remembered the gruesome pictures in the text regarding werewolves and the scorn with which they were treated. She remembered the way Tracy had spoken about them after class.

"_Werewolves are real?" Lily asked as she picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder._

"_Of course," Christine replied._

"_I'd love to meet one!" Lily announced as she started walking toward the door. _

"_No you wouldn't. They're really evil beings. People say all of them worked for Grindewald. Can't trust a werewolf."_

"_But aren't they just people who turn into wolves at the full moon?"_

"_Yes, and then they roam around attacking people."_

"_But they don't attack people when they're human, right?"_

"_The bite turns them evil – as a human and a wolf. Why do you think the Ministry bans them from working for them?"_

"_Because they'd take too many sick days?" Lily joked, trying to lighten the mood, and the conversation was dropped. _

Then and now, Lily had yet to find evidence to support Tracy's claim, but Tracy had been so convinced. Lily had no doubt that her brunette friend would shun Remus Lupin if she ever heard about her brother's suspicions. Lily glanced over at Matt, standing with his head boy badge gleaming in the darkness. Matt was Tracy's brother. They probably thought alike, Lily realized with a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. Whether or not Remus Lupin was a werewolf, Lily pledged to convince Matt that he was not. She must dissuade him from the general idea or else Remus might suffer unjust discrimination.

Anyway, Lily was fairly certain that there was no possible way that Remus Lupin was a dark creature. Werewolves did not attend school. They would be a threat to the other students. Professor Dumbledore and the Board of Trustees would never allow such a thing. Matt only had to be convinced to agree with Lily.

As Lily came to this realization, two sets of footsteps could be heard racing toward them from outside the castle. Just as the doors opened, both of them turned to see who was racing in. First came one figure, racing straight past the pair, as though not even noticing them. The second came in a moment later and turned right as soon as he was inside before pushing open a secret passage.

"Go that way," Matt yelled, pointing towards the secret passage. Lily nodded and ran pursuit as thoughts of werewolves still occupied most of her thoughts, letting Matt track the other one.

While Lily no longer played football as avidly as she had when she was younger, she was still fit from years of playing The Game with her friends and summers spent rehashing her football skills. So it was that she managed to keep the lone figure in sight even as he dashed inside the castle. So it was that Lily lifted her wand and yelled, "_stickus_," effectively stopping his movements as his shoes were permanently melded to the floor.

Panting, Lily walked through the final stretch of space between them, letting her hands cover the painful area in her chest. Each breath was like a knife stabbing her heart; tears threatened to spill down her cheeks, but she held them back long enough to say, "Ten points from-" she began, but stopped when she saw his face. "James?"

"I need to go," he replied, pulling at first his right and then his left foot, as if unwilling to believe he had been caught. As if unwilling to stop moving.

"What-" the pain overwhelmed her words. She tried again. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," he muttered, glancing down the hall as if to run.

"Nothing?" spat Lily, her hand rests over the painful spot in her chest. "You and your friend were out after hours, outside the castle walls, wandering the grounds. That's obviously not nothing."

"He's not my friend," he replied, still trying to pull his feet off the ground.

"Look at me!" snapped Lily. He obeyed, though she regretted her commanding tone as it redoubled her pain. "What were you doing?"

"Just take the points and let me go."

"Why?"

"I need to speak with the headmaster."

"The-" Lily couldn't finish her sentence. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She leaned back against the wall.

"The headmaster," finished James. "So get off your power trip and let me go."

"Power- power trip?" muttered Lily, still aching, still unwilling to let him go without an explanation, still unable to breathe without pain.

"Just take the points!" he yelled. Hearing the desperation in his voice, Lily looked into his frantic eyes, saw the bags beneath his eyes and the pleading stance. He met and kept her gaze as the pain caused her to crumple against the wall and slide to the ground.

"_Finite Incantatum_," she whispered.

And James Potter was gone a moment later, racing towards the headmaster's office, racing to clear his name. In his wake lay Lily Evans, clutching her chest and desperately trying to take normal breaths. Gasping for air, she painfully lifted her wand and tapped her badge twice – the signal to her patrol partner that she needed help - and then she laid still.

Footsteps raced toward her, but she could barely hear them.

"Lily?" Matt asked, rushing forward and crouching beside her. "What happened?"

"I-" she let out a short cry of pain, and instead of reassuring him of her health, she only managed to make him more aware of her pain.

"Did he attack you? Who was it?"

"Pomfrey," she squeaked.

"Madam Pomfrey attacked you?"

"No. I need- I need a potion." Each breath in felt like lifting a thousand pound weight on her chest. She was tired, hurting, and just wanted to stop trying. It hurt. It hurt so much.

"Don't close your eyes. Lily! Wake-up!"

"No!" Lily cried out, her eyes flying open, the moment he first tried to lift her. "It hurts. It hurts. I can't breathe."

"It's okay. You'll be okay," Matt said, then he cast a _Mobilicorpus_ charm and the two were on their way to the Hospital Wing. He ran, floating Lily in front of him, between corridors and portraits until at last he shoved open the Hospital Wing doors.

"What is the meaning-"

"Lily Evans. She can't breathe. She keeps grabbing at her chest."

And soon the potion was in front of her and she was drinking it, but before the relief was complete, she blacked out.


	10. Another Round

**Chapter 12**

**Another Round**

"Don't you ever get sick of worrying your friends?" Tracy asked, walking into the Hospital Wing with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolate frogs, and a reassuring smile. Christine bounced in a moment later. Lily scowled in response.

"I didn't _mean _to end up in here," Lily snapped. Tracy's smile faltered as she put the flowers on the end of the bed.

"Angry much?" Christine asked cheerfully, sitting down on a chair and riffling through the sweets that other people had already sent. Lily rolled her eyes at that pile of gifts. All of those boxes had cards with quip sayings attached: _Get Well, We Miss You, To Our Favourite Prefect. _If she read through a list of gift givers, she would probably only recognize half the names and only be friends with half of that number.

"I'm not angry. I'm frustrated," Lily replied, feeling guilt for making Tracy flinch. Then she felt irritated for feeling guilt. It was like an evil cycle that Lily couldn't escape.

It was nearly dinnertime on Saturday and Lily felt like she had been in the Hospital Wing forever. It was worse than St. Mungo's. Madam Pomfrey was a head case! Honestly, the woman _never _left. She either sat in her office or forced Lily to drink some disgusting potion or paced in the room just watching Lily. Didn't that woman ever eat? Didn't she have to visit the loo? Lily considered making a break for it, but figured Pomfrey was crazy enough to have put wards on the doors to keep patients from running away.

"How long will you have to be in here?" Tracy asked, standing beside Christine.

"Too long," Lily replied, kicking absently at her sheets and enjoying watching them puff up and collapse.

"And how long is too long?" Tracy pressed.

"At least another day."

"We'll have to reschedule the Game," Christine said unwrapping a chocolate frog.

"The Game?" Lily asked, looking away from the sheets and at Christine.

"Yes," replied Christine just before her chocolate frog jumped out of her hand, onto the floor, and under the bed. The blond girl, never to be deterred by minor obstacles, immediately dove after it. Lily turned to Tracy.

"We were going to play tonight, but don't worry. We'll play next week," Tracy said, shrugging her shoulders.

"I could play tonight," announced Lily, blatantly lying and deciding not to care.

"It's no big deal."

"I can play."

"Really?" Tracy asked, neither questioning nor accepting Lily's proclamation.

"Yes," said Lily, nodding emphatically and ignoring the sharp pain in her chest.

Christine's head popped up from under the bed, mouth covered in chocolate, before she said, "Liar."

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, quirking an eyebrow at her friend.

"You're excused," said Christine as she pushed herself off the ground, wiped off her robes and sat down on the chair next to Lily's bed.

"That's an annoying response," Lily commented, eying her friend strangely as the blond girl reached for another chocolate frog.

"You asked to be excused," Christine said, ripping open another package and squeaking when this frog also began hopping away.

"She's being evasive," Lily complained to Tracy, who still wore that disturbing, confused and pitying look on her face.

"Well, you know Christine," Tracy replied, looking over at the blond girl jumping after the chocolate frog.

"I doubt she even understands the word evasive," said a person walking into the room. Lily turned and saw Sam – Sam who was carrying various rolls of parchment in her hands.

"I know what evasive means!" Christine called, leaping onto an empty hospital bed and missing the frog by inches. "This frog is being evasive!"

"I thought they were only supposed to have one good jump in them," Sam whispered to Lily. Both girls laughed as they watched Christine shriek in frustration as she leapt over another patient's bed in order to capture the elusive frog.

"These are modified frogs," Tracy explained, picking up the package and handing it to Lily. Written on it in red sparkling ink were the words, _A Gift from Us (Not Them)._

"Who is 'us'?" Sam asked.

"Sirius Black and James Potter," Tracy replied. Christine returned to her seat, a frog leg dangling out of her mouth and still kicking. She crunched down with her teeth, and the leg disappeared as she swallowed it.

"That must be one of the most disgusting things that I have ever seen in my life. Ever," Lily said.

"It couldn't be the _most _disgusting," Christine said, trying to open another frog. This time, Sam took it out of her hands and exchanged it with a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Christine didn't even look fazed as she tore into the box.

"It's right up there with watching Daniel Smith's accidentally engorged toad sit on Professor Kettleborn, and looking at Petunia's face," Lily said.

"But it tastes so much better than either of those," Christine replied, popping a grey bean in her mouth. She made a face, spit the bean into her hand, and said sadly, "Concrete."

"Why did James Potter and Sirius Black send Lily a gift?" Sam asked, dragging Lily's thoughts away from her interesting dialogue with Christine and right into a topic that she hated and wished to avoid forever: James Potter.

"They didn't. I happened to have an extra box lying around my room. I thought she'd enjoy it," Tracy said, picking a bean out of Christine's handful, throwing it up in the air and catching it in her mouth. She smiled. "Watermelon."

More than anything else, Lily hated that she was disappointed by the fact that James hadn't sent the sweets. She should _not _care about whether or not he noticed that she was ill! He called her a Muggle. He was the reason she had run through the castle and ended up inflaming the infection in her chest, causing her to feel the chest pains. He was the reason she was stuck in the Hospital Wing and steadfastly suffering at the hands of the anti-social, overbearing Pomfrey.

Well, sure, the Death Eater who actually cast the curses that sent her flying into a table were also to blame, but Lily would have been just fine drinking her potion once a night for a month if it hadn't been for that stupid James Potter.

So why hadn't she reported James? Why had she claimed she never saw the person she was chasing?

Arg. Why did she still like him?

"In any case, I brought you a present," Sam said, pulling up a chair on the other side of the bed. Christine and Tracy began throwing the beans into each other's mouths, ignoring Sam and Lily all together. Sam set a pile of parchment next to Lily's right side.

"Blank parchment. Gee, thanks," Lily commented sarcastically. Sam smiled and made a half-hearted attempt at smacking Lily's shoulder.

"This, I will have you know, is nearly twenty feet of parchment."

"Again: Gee, thanks."

"Shut it, you. I remember how boring it is in the Hospital Wing once Pomfrey kicks guests out. This parchment is meant to alleviate that boredom, at least a little." Sam explained, handing a roll of parchment over to Lily's care. The redhead took it and flipped it over a couple of times.

"Is it special parchment?"

"Special parchment?" queried Sam.

"Does it change colour? Is it edible? Will it burn a hole in itself every time I write your name?" asked Lily, rattling off a list of not-so-distant possibilities for the parchment.

"No," Sam replied. "It's just regular parchment. That you write on."

"Except it makes your words dance around the page?" pressed Lily.

"No. Your words just sit there. Like normal."

"Like normal?" Lily repeated, disbelieving. She picked up the wand off the nightstand and poking the parchment.

"You're not going to find any hidden magical spells," Sam said, taking the wand out of Lily's hand and placing it back on the stand.

"Then I don't understand," Lily said. "You brought me nearly twenty feet of regular old parchment?"

"And two quills and four bottles of ink," Sam added, digging through her pockets and procuring the items.

"My joy is a little overwhelming. I may be too excited to continue speaking."

"Hey you, saucy redhead, the sarcasm is _not _appreciated."

"Duly noted," Lily said, taking the quills and ink from her friend without understanding.

"I brought the parchment because- well-" Sam glanced over at Christine and Tracy who were now throwing beans at each other from across the room, still trying to catch them in their mouths. "You went through something-"

"Sam, I already told you, it wasn't-"

"You went through something that none of us understand," Sam continued, ignoring Lily's interruption, "and you shouldn't have to keep silent about the whole thing just because we don't understand what you went through. So I thought I'd give you parchment and quills and ink and hope you feel more comfortable writing about what happened than you do speaking."

"Nothing happened," Lily replied weakly, looking down at her hands.

"You keep saying that," Sam said, "but that doesn't mean you don't have anything to write about. For instance, you could cover that entire twenty-foot space with James Potter's name encircled in hearts."

"Stupid bugger," Lily said half-heartedly, still too overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of her best friend to muster the proper amount of animosity at his name.

"James or me?"

"James, of course."

"How about him, saying you looked good enough to be on his arm?" Sam reminisced. Lily barked out laughter, remember James's stupid comment on New Year's Eve.

"That was so ridiculous," Lily said with a self-mocking smile

"I wonder if he thinks he's suave."

"Of course he does!" Lily replied, still smiling. "He also believes he's charming, handsome, clever, the greatest flier in the history of the world, and irresistible."

"Let's not leave out hilarious and graceful," Sam added. The two girls caught each other's eye and burst into laughter, thinking of James Potter and knowing that Lily whole-heartedly (and grudgingly) agreed with all of those adjectives.

"Just to clarify," Lily began, her laughter (though not her good mood) ebbing, "you brought me twenty feet of parchment on which to write my feelings. Why not just bring me a diary?"

"Magical diaries are creepy. They talk back."

"Ew! Like mirrors?" Lily hated talking mirrors. She hated that they seemed so much like people. She hated that she felt like she had to cover them with a blanket at night in order to give herself some privacy. To have a diary speak back, knowing your most private thoughts, was a horrible idea.

"Exactly, and I know how you feel-"

"Ow!" cried Christine. Both Sam and Lily spun to see what happened, the pain in Lily's side flaring with the motion. But the pain, she later decided, was well worth seeing Madam Pomfrey's explosion as she realized two girls were launching Every Flavour Beans across her Hospital Wing with the aim to hit the other person's mouth.

"Are you mad?" shrieked the irate Pomfrey, grabbing Christine by the ear and dragging her across the room, where she grabbed Tracy's ear. "You could have choked! You could have done irreparable damage to your oesophagus! Diving over a sick student's bed like that! What were you _thinking_?"

The yelling continued as she dragged the two wailing girls out of the Infirmary with the strong recommendation to only return when on the brink of death.

Lily winked at Sam before grabbing a Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean bag, opening it, and popping one into her own mouth.

"I hope you don't think you're funny!" came the sharp voice of Madame Pomfrey. Lily turned to face the still-fuming matron as she marched back into the hospital wing and collected all of the bags of beans. "These are meant to be eaten, not thrown!"

"What about thrown and _then _eaten?" Lily asked, smiling. Sam shook her head, amazed at Lily's audacity as the redhead threw a bean into the air and tried to catch it in her mouth.

"No!" snapped Pomfrey, snatching the bean right out of the air before marching off to her office.

"Wow. She's got great reflexes. I wonder if she ever played Seeker," Lily commented, grabbing the wand and turning on the Wizarding Radio on her bedside table.

"You never stop, do you?" Sam asked. Lily shook her head, flicking through the stations hope to come across a recognizable song. She did not find one.

"Sam?" Lily began, still flicking through the channels as she considered the best way to broach the topic.

"Yes, Lily?" Sam replied, her tone serious. Lily stopped flipping through the channels and met her friend's gaze.

"What would you tell me if I told you I knew a werewolf?" Lily inquired. Sam laughed.

"First, I'd ask you where you met him. Second, I'd ask how you knew he was a werewolf."

"Well, he's this kid I met-"

"A child werewolf? That's so sad," Sam said, shaking her head. Lily looked at her with wide, confused eyes.

"It's not sad," Lily replied. "It's just something that happened to him. He'll deal with it."

"How?" Sam replied. "He won't be allowed to attend Hogwarts or get a job, really. The Ministry's restrictions are overwhelming. He'll have to grow up with prejudice and fear following him everywhere. It's a sad life."

"Why couldn't he come to Hogwarts? Is that a rule?"

"No. It's just that no Headmaster in his right mind would invite a werewolf to study here."

"Why not?" Lily asked, growing more and more irritated with the situation as it progressed.

"Because they're dangerous."

"How do you know?"

"Well," Sam said, "I just do. It's something every child knows growing up in the magical world."

"Including Tracy?"

"Especially Tracy. She grew up in a very pureblood home," Sam replied, as if that ought to have made any sense to Lily. Honestly.

"But Tracy lives in a Muggle neighbourhood."

"Only because the Experimental Charms Department moved her parents there. Before fourth year she lived in her old family home in a very Magical area."

"I still don't understand why that ought to matter. Tracy is so laid-back. She never fights with anyone"

"I don't know that I would call Tracy laid-back. Her opinions are as strong as anyone's; she just doesn't share them all the time. She was raised in a traditional, Gryffindor home. She dislikes Slytherins to extreme extents, even if she refuses to make a spectacle of herself by yelling at them. She also dislikes werewolves and mistrusts vampires. It's just how things are."

"That's stupid."

"It's how it is," Sam said.

"But it shouldn't have to be that way!"

"Miss Evans?" interrupted a voice in the doorway. Both Lily and Sam looked over and saw Professor McGonagall enter the room, a piece of parchment in hand.

"Yes, Professor?"

"You have received a summons." Professor McGonagall strode into the room and over to Lily's bed, holding out the parchment.

"Yay!" Lily cried, taking the piece of parchment and scanning it over. It looked official. "What's a summons?"

"The Ministry is holding an official inquiry regarding the events of New Year's Eve and you have been summoned as a witness."

"Oh. I take back my 'yay,' then," Lily said, leaning back and trying to read the boring letter.

_To: Miss Lily Evans_

_Your presence is requested… blah blah blah… regarding the events of December 31st… blah… testimonial presented before the Wizengamot … blah_

"What does this say?" Lily asked, giving up on focusing and just asking the transfiguration professor.

"It says that you are to report to the Ministry at ten in the morning tomorrow, accompanied by Professor Dumbledore. As the proceeding may last all day, you are excused from tomorrow's prefect meeting."

"Professor Dumbledore?" Lily asked, shocked. Did he leave the castle? Silly question, that. Of course he left the castle, but Lily just couldn't imagine it.

"Yes."

"Why not you? Doesn't the headmaster have something more pressing to do with his time?" Lily asked. Sam smiled.

"Nothing that cannot wait a day to be settled," McGonagall said.

"But this isn't that big of a deal, right? I mean, I wasn't there for the worst of it," Lily commented, looking at Professor McGonagall for affirmation. Instead of agreeing with Lily, instead of soothing her fears and nodding her head and telling her that she understood, Professor McGonagall avoided Lily's gaze and turned toward the other end of the infirmary.

"I must speak Madam Pomfrey," the Transfiguration professor announced, walking away.

"That was odd," Lily said, looking over at Sam, only to have her dark-haired friend nod and look away just as quickly as Professor McGonagall had. Looking at Sam's profile, taking in the moist eyes and the tension so evident in her body language, Lily could only stare. What was wrong with these people? Why were they avoiding her?

And then Lily understood. She looked at Sam's turned head and she understood.

Lily had assumed that when she returned to Hogwarts, she could return to the life that she had led before. After walking through Diagon Alley and seeing it unchanged despite the tumult in her own life, Lily had assumed that nothing else would change either. If the alley, which was a symbol of the wizarding world in Lily's mind, didn't react to the attacks, why would anything else? Unfortunately, while Hogwarts itself and the people within it were not changed, their perception of Lily _had _undergone a transformation.

They looked away from her, unable to meet her eyes because they were scared. Not that they were scared of Lily herself, but more of what she represented. The terror of Voldemort had only been happening for four years, and to most of them it was a distant problem, one that the Aurors would eventually fix. At any rate, Voldemort was not _their _problem. Or he hadn't been, until someone they knew was threatened and hurt by him.

Until Lily.

To them – the people who had never experienced what she had, who had never known any experience in which their lives were threatened – Lily was unrecognizable. They could neither sympathise nor empathise with the girl. All they could offer her was twenty feet of blank parchment and a summons from the Ministry

** – **

Travelling on the Hogwarts Express had always been a fun experience for Lily. She always sat in the old-fashioned compartments with friends and laughed her way down the tracks. Sounds of owls squawking and frogs croaking calmed her mind as the ever-present aroma of chocolate calmed her.

The late trip to Hogwarts after her stay in St. Mungo's had been long and dull, lacking the chatter of friends and the soothing smells and sounds Lily associated with the train. But this trip was just awkward. Terribly, terribly awkward.

Originally, Lily had been disgruntled about the whole trip, convinced that giving testimonial to two different Ministry Officials ought to have been enough for forever. Her one consoling thought – the one that kept her morbidly content – was that this trip conflicted with a Prefect meeting. Professor McGonagall never let students skip the meetings, not for detentions, not for Quidditch practices, and certainly not for runs to the loo. But apparently, Ministry Summons were cause enough to miss a meeting.

"Would you care for a piece of chocolate, Miss Evans?" And there was the very source of the awkwardness: Headmaster Dumbledore.

"No thank you, Professor," Lily replied. Had he really offered her some sweets? Did people that old _eat _sweets? _Apparently, they do_, Lily thought as Professor Dumbledore munched happily away, his long beard bobbing up and down with the motion of his jaw.

What was she supposed to talk about with this man? She knew she _could _talk to him – her mother often said she could talk to a wall for hours if she were in the mood – but it seemed wrong to just _talk _to Dumbledore. Wasn't he a war hero? He had defeated the most powerful dark wizard in a century. Not that you could tell by the way he just kept munching away on that chocolate, blue eyes focused on Lily.

How long were these train rides? Another ten minutes of this silence would _kill _her.

"I'm sorry that you had to come with me, Professor. I know that you have more important things to do," Lily began, meeting his stare.

"More important?" he asked, those blue eyes unwavering. Something about his glance bothered Lily, though she was not sure what it was.

"Well, I'm sure you have other things you would rather be doing than baby-sitting a student," Lily explained.

"I am not baby-sitting you, Miss Evans." Seriously. Why were those eyes so unnerving? She briefly considered looking away but decided that would be rude.

"Oh. I know," corrected Lily, trying to eat her apparently-offending words. "I only meant to say I'm sorry that you were dragged into this."

"I was not 'dragged into this.' I insisted upon accompanying you."

"You did?" Lily asked, shocked. That wasn't what McGonagall had said.

"I wanted to be sure that you were as comfortable as possible at the inquiry."

"So _you _came along?" Lily said it before thinking, before realizing how horribly offending it must have sounded. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"It is quite all right, Miss Evans," he said, smiling. Actually, he was grinning. This one hundred and twenty year old man was grinning at Lily as if she had told a most amusing joke. And just as with Mrs. Crouch at the Ball, Lily knew how to talk to him now. She knew what would make him smile and feel comfortable. But instead of beginning to talk to him, Lily decided to stare out the window and not be confused by the fact that the headmaster was so personable. It didn't work. Not two minutes later, she turned back to find Dumbledore prying apart two melted pieces of chocolate and laughed out loud.

"You could just eat them both, you know," Lily said. Once more, she wanted to grab the words that had spilled out of her mouth and shove them into her back pocket. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just learn to accept social classes and distinctions? Why did she always treat everyone like her equal instead of what they were: respected headmasters and the wives of future Ministers of Magic?

"When I was a child, my mother always told my to eat sweets one at a time."

"Were there sweets way back then?" Lily asked in a falsely interested tone.

Oh goodness. Had she just made fun of the headmaster's age? She should just shoot herself in the foot. She was already making a big enough fool of herself that being bloodied and in real physical pain might make for a welcome change. When her embarrassed eyes met his, she was glad to see mirth in them.

"Indeed there were."

"I'm so sorry, Professor. I don't know why I'm saying these things."

"What things?"

"The stupid comments about your age and the way you eat and- oh goodness. I'm doing it again. I'll stop now."

"I am enjoying our discussion. Most people avoid telling me jokes."

"Oh. Um. Sorry?" Lily's hand flew up to her necklace and twisted it in her fingers. What was going on here?

"No need to apologize."

And so the train ride passed back into the silent realm and Lily stared out her window as her headmaster continued prying chocolates apart.

** – **

Was it possible for a building to be pompous and stuffy? Lily had not thought so until she entered the Ministry of Magic, but the moment she walked out of the telephone booth she realized that not only could buildings be pompous, they could also irritate people rather easily. Especially when they contained the most obnoxious art that Lily had ever seen. For instance, the most prominent, eye-catching object in the lobby of the Ministry happened to be a statue of a wizard being worshiped by other magical (sentient!) species.

"That's disgusting," Lily said, pinning her pin (_Lily Evans: Witness_) onto her robes.

"The statue?" Professor Dumbledore asked, leading her toward the guard by the elevator.

"Yes," replied Lily, still eying it with extreme dislike, "How conceited of us to believe that other races ought to look at us with such wonder. House-elves had their own civilization by 586b.c.e. when the humans began to hire them out as workers. Centaurs still aren't a part of the wizarding world and the goblins have little less than open hostility directed toward us."

"You do not believe wizards are the supreme race?" Dumbledore handed his wand to the silent guard and Lily did the same a moment later.

"No. They're just have the most deadly weapons."

"Many people would disagree with your conclusion."

"Luckily, I don't speak with stupid people," Lily replied, taking her wand out of the proffered hand of the guard and following Dumbledore into an elevator. She missed Professor Dumbledore's smile.

For a "magical" building, this place felt remarkably similar to her father's company building. They had a Muggle phone booth as their entrance, ugly statues, marble floors, and barren elevators that took _forever_ to reach the basement levels that they needed to visit.

"How long will this-" The opening of the elevator doors and the flash of a hundred cameras interrupted Lily's question. "What in the world?"

"The press core has been invited. I would recommend that you answer none of their questions, though you may of course choose to do as you like," Professor Dumbledore said, walking forward and into the mass of men and women who had either a quill poised above a piece of parchment or a camera blinking at Lily.

Lily followed behind Dumbledore with her head held high and her back straight. She met the eye of every reporter and smiled at them, nodding to the ones who smiled back and ignoring the ones that did not. She would not let them intimidate her. They, for their part, seemed less interested in her once they saw her and realized that she was not a public figure like the other guests/witnesses.

And so Lily came to the door marked for witnesses, where Professor Dumbledore assured her there would be no press before telling her she would see him soon and walking away. Deciding not to be miffed by his strange departure, Lily opened the door and walked into one of the most beautiful lounges that she had ever seen in her life – couches lined one side of the room and a buffet of fruits, vegetables, and sandwiches was laid out on the other side. People were milling around, glasses in one hand, chatting with the other people.

Lily barely had time to take in the scene when someone rushed toward her and enveloped her in a tight embrace.

"Lily!" exclaimed the exuberant boy.

"Ian?" Lily asked, smiling in recognition as they broke apart.

"Hey," he said, grinning at her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was summoned. Want to eat?" Ian asked, walking toward the buffet table.

"But you weren't at the Ball," Lily protested as Ian placed an empty plate in her hand and took one for himself.

"Exactly," he replied, scooping a mound of strawberries onto his plate and then onto hers. Not expecting him to do so, Lily's grip on the plate faltered and it fell from her hands. She began to bend over to pick up the spilled items, when they disappeared into the floors. Lily gave a squeak of surprise and then looked up and met Ian's silver eyes.

"My plate disappeared."

"I saw," Ian said, leaning past Lily to grab another plate and hand it to her. "Sometimes magic creeps me out."

"I know what you mean," Lily said. Ian scooped another bunch of strawberries and then looked directly at Lily.

"Are you ready to try this again?" he asked, scooper poised above her plate.

"I was born ready."

"Obviously not," Ian said as he deposited the fruit onto her plate.

"Obviously nothing. The evidence of any previous clumsiness has disappeared into the floor," Lily shot back, smirking as he reached a couple of rolls with one hand.

"Alas, magic foils my point…"

"Again," they both added, laughing at the summer-time joke.

The pair marched down the long table grabbing whatever food they wanted. Actually, grabbing whatever food Ian wanted as he was the one who did the actual grabbing. Lily kept both her hands on her ever-growing plate.

"You never answered my question," Lily mentioned as the pair took their plates toward one of the couches on the other side of the room.

"Which question?"

"Why are you here?" Lily repeated, sitting carefully on the couch as she balanced her plate in her hands.

"They probably want to know why I turned down my invitation to the Ball," Ian said, sitting beside her and arranging the plate on his knees.

"And why did you?" Lily asked, realising that she did not have a fork and deciding to eat with her fingers. She picked up a strawberry.

"I had a New Year's Eve party that I couldn't miss." Lily's hand stopped midway to her mouth as her eyes shot up to meet Ian's.

"You turned down the Crystal Ball in favour of Tracy's party?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Why hadn't you told me Sam invited you to Tracy's?" Lily asked, putting the strawberry back down on her plate

"Sam invited me after I'd already responded to your December owl. Besides, I was sure she must have told you," Ian replied, taking a bite out of a banana.

"Well, yes, but that's not the point," Lily said.

"What is the point? That you would have gone to Tracy's if I'd only told you I was going there too?"

"Maybe."

"Shut it," Ian said, finished the banana and putting the peel on the ground. It disappeared a moment later. "How cool is that?"

"Oh. It's amazing," Lily muttered sarcastically. Ian looked up at her and smiled.

"Don't be mean just because you made a poor decision when you chose the Ball over that party," he said. He was not a classically good-looking guy. Not really. His silver eyes sometimes glowed and freaked Lily out.

"I'm never mean. I am like an angel on Earth, really. People stop me on the street just to wonder at my kindness," Lily said flippantly, throwing her hair over her shoulder.

"And you're humble to boot."

"Humility is overrated," Lily said, laughing despite her best efforts. Ian smiled and shook his head at her words. Over the summer they had not been particularly close. The only time they spent together, Christian was there too, taking up all of Lily's attention. They'd had a good time, often laughing together, but it was only after the school year began – after she broke up with Christian – that they became close by writing owls to one another once a month or so.

"Seriously, though, why are you here?" Lily asked.

"Seriously, they want to know why I didn't go to the Ball," Ian replied, taking up another strawberry.

"Why?"

"Because the Ball was attacked."

"And?" Lily pressed, not willing to accept the implications of that sentence.

"And they want to know if I knew it was going to happen and avoided going in order to save myself," Ian replied, shrugging. Lily did not exactly think this was a shrugging moment. The Ministry had to be the most paranoid group of wizards ever.

"That's so stupid."

"No. They have every right to be suspicious. The Ball is a once in a lifetime experience and I turned it down for a school party? That's fishy." He riffled through the rest of his food as if trying to decide what he _really _wanted.

"No it's not. I wish I'd gone to that party instead of the Ball," Lily said, poking her fruit his her pointer finger.

"Sure you do," Ian said, his voice holding a suggestive tone that made Lily look up. When she did, Ian winked at her.

"What was that for?" Lily asked.

"What was what for?"

"That wink. Why did you just wink at me?" pressed Lily, confused.

"Oh that," Ian said, tearing his roll in two and munching away on half of it. "That was because I know the real reason you didn't want to be at the Ball."

"Voldemort and his Death Eaters attacked it and I was extensively injured?" Lily ventured, picking up her own banana and taking a bite.

"No, no, no," Ian protested shaking his head and looking at her with pity, as if to say her answer was ridiculous. "You wish you'd been at the party – where James Potter was."

Lily almost choked on her own tongue. Then she began coughing frantically. What? Had Ian really just said that? Had Sam told him? She must have. She was the only one that knew.

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked between coughs.

"I'm talking about you and James Potter-"

"I don't know what you mean by that."

"Yeah, right," Ian said sarcastically. "You don't know about you and James Potter. But don't worry, I approve. It's a good match. I never understood Christian and you together. He's a good friend and all, but he's really boring and you really aren't. And I know I've only met James Potter twice, but I think-"

"Who've you been talking to?" Lily asked, reaching out and grabbing his arm before he ate another bite of that roll.

"Tracy," Ian said cryptically. And while Lily was sure that he kept on teasing her and eating his various fruits and breads, she was no longer listening. Instead, she was trying to figure out what Tracy had said to Ian. Tracy didn't know about Lily's obsession, did she? No. She couldn't have. Plus, there was no longer an obsession, Lily reminded herself. James had called her a Muggle and then he'd made that stupid comment on New Year's. But what did Tracy know – or think she knew?

"Well, they're calling my number."

"What?" Lily asked, looking over to seeing Ian standing up with his empty plate. The boy was like a garbage disposal.

"They're calling me in to testify," Ian explained, pointing toward a man standing next to an open door. "I don't think I can come back in here after, so I'll owl you soon."

"Oh. All right," Lily said, standing and giving him a hug good-bye. "Give 'em hell."

"Give who hell?"

"The inquisition," Lily replied, smiling. "I'll give you a sickle if you bring in some strawberries and throw them at them any time they ask you a question."

"Ah, you and your sickle bets." Ian tossed his plate onto the ground, smiled at Lily as it disappeared, and then walked out of the room and behind that dark door.

** – **

Ian, with his plate of fruit and rolls, was the first acquaintance she ran into that night, but he was not the last. The second came after two very boring hours of waiting, when the buffet table changed from fruits and breads into sandwiches.

"Lily Evans!" the voice screamed, dragging Lily's attention away from the buffet table and over to the door which had just opened. As it shut, blocking out the flashes of cameras, Lily saw Mrs. Crouch marching towards her with three bodyguard-looking types in tow.

"Mrs. Crouch!" Lily cried, standing up off the couch. Lily walked toward her and embraced her as if she were an old friend instead of a practical stranger, embraced her as if she were a missing relative, finally returned. She embraced her as she used to embrace her mother, when she thought Faith Evans could fix every problem in the world.

"I was worried about you. I heard that you were in St. Mungo's until three days ago," Cordelia Crouch said as the pair separated and walked back toward one of the couches.

"Yes, I was. It was not the most pleasant experience of my life," Lily replied.

"Nor of mine."

"How long were you in the hospital?" They sat down together, Mrs. Crouch's five bodyguards hovering uncomfortably close.

"Four days. Those house-elves nearly drove me batty." Lily smiled and nodded, remembering the way they cropped up out of nowhere in order to assist with every menial task. She glanced around at the five men surrounding them.

"I'm glad you're all right. I was worried and no one believed that I knew you," Lily explained, looking questioningly at Mrs. Crouch.

"Yes, the Ministry Official asked me to verify your story."

"So you spoke with her?"

"Her? No. I spoke with my husband's assistant. I believe he also spoke with you." Lily didn't understand. Had Director Brooks spoken with Mrs. Crouch or not? If not, why not? "I told him everything. You need not feel nervous about speaking today."

"I'm not nervous," Lily protested automatically. She took in the way she was shaking her legs up and down, her hands locked together on those legs, and the clenched muscles in her back. "Hm. Well. Never mind. I guess I am nervous. Why am I nervous?"

"Why wouldn't you be nervous?"

"Because my testimony hardly matters. I left early. It isn't like I saw the important parts," Lily explained. "I didn't go through anything, really."

"You didn't go through anything?" scoffed Cordelia Crouch. She leaned forward and placed her warm, comforting hands over Lily's. "I saw those spells that hit your shield."

"I don't remember much of that. I only remember shoving you – sorry about that by the way – and then waking up in the hospital."

"You're _sorry _about shoving me aside?" Mrs Crouch asked, incredulity lacing her words. "You saved my life."

Lily laughed aloud, extracting her hands from under Mrs. Crouch's.

"I did _not _save your life!" Lily exclaimed.

"Of course you did."

"No. You were in the way of my Shield Charm." Lily tried to dispel horrifying thought that Mrs. Crouch had told anyone that she thought Lily had actually helped her. Cordelia Crouch had _obviously_ been hit in the head. Hard.

"You pushed me away from a Death Eater that was about to grab me. You pushed me right at a Portkey," protested Mrs. Crouch.

"I didn't mean to!" Lily stood up and crossed her arms over her chest and fingered the charm on her necklace.

"But you _did_." Mrs. Crouch stood up and Lily took a step backward.

"No. You just aren't remembering right. I needed to cast my charm and I would have hit you if you'd stayed where you were. It was an instinct." The bodyguards, interestingly enough, shifted ever-so-slightly left and right with Mrs. Crouch. It was like they were one unit moving through six bodies.

"You saved my life and I will never forget that. I owe you a Wizard's Debt."

"What? No. No, you don't!" Lily exclaimed, taking another step backward. By this point, Lily saw a movement out of the corner of her eyes and turned to look. What she found was that many guests in close proximity had taken note of the conversation between Mrs. Crouch and herself. She turned and met the gaze of each of them, smiling a large, fake smile. As she knew they would, they turned away once met with her own close scrutiny.

"Scaring away politicians?" Mrs. Crouch quipped, smirking.

"As always," Lily began, then turned back to the woman in front of her. "Listen, though. Whatever you think you owe me, you don't."

"It's a Wizard's Debt. You can't just release a person from that obligation."

"Yes I can, and I do. I release you. You owe me nothing. Please don't think you do."

Then a strange thing happened: air rushed out of Lily as if pulled by magic, leaving the girl gasping for breath a moment later, her hands resting on her knees as she tried to regain her breath.

"You," the strangely-raspy voice of Mrs. Crouch began. Lily looked up to find a bodyguard holding each of her arms. She shrugged them off and moved forward, holding Lily by the shoulder. "You gave up a Wizarding Debt?"

"What?" Lily asked, still confused and short of breath.

"I've never heard of anyone-"

"Cordelia Crouch!" interrupted a magically amplified voice. Both Lily and Mrs. Crouch turned, the latter's arm still grasping Lily's shoulder. "Cordelia Crouch, please come forward."

"I have to go give my testimony," Mrs. Crouch explained quietly, releasing Lily's shoulder.

"Please don't tell them that you think I saved your life."

Lily had expected her request to be met with an apology and an explanation about having to follow protocol. She had expected Mrs. Crouch to tell her that she needed to tell the council everything that happened. Instead, Mrs. Crouch's soft blue eyes met Lily's green ones and she nodded once. Then, Mrs. Cordelia Crouch, wife of the future Minister of Magic, stepped forward and embraced Lily Evans, simple, sixth year Muggle-born, Lily Evans.

"I've never met anyone quite like you. You just gave up your right- it's incredible."

Lily was not entirely sure she was supposed to have heard that last sentence. Mrs. Crouch sounded like she was talking to herself. To some degree, Lily was right. Until that moment Cordelia Crouch had lived in a world governed by rules and regulations – rules of society that she bent and rules of law by which she carefully abided. She married a man of equal stature in society with equal values. She had produced an heir and raised her son as best she could. She was everything she was supposed to be.

So why was it that Lily Evans's simple act of releasing her from a Wizard's Debt left her feeling incomplete? Why was it that a single gesture of complete selflessness shocked her and made her feel almost… frightened?

In the years to come, when the blacks and whites of Cordelia Crouch's world slowly danced together to form grey – when her husband authorized the Aurors to use the Unforgivables, when her husband began sentencing without trials, when she sat at the "trial" of her son and watched her husband throw him away – she would remember this unfulfilled Wizard's Debt.

Many took note of this last exchange between Cordelia Crouch and Lily Evans. They cared, at the time, because Mrs. Crouch was prominent and important in the Wizarding world. In thirty years, after the story of Bartemus Crouch Junior surfaces, this embrace will be remembered in a different light. It will be the last time these two women stood together, two women who would sacrifice their lives for their sons, two women who thought they were doing the right thing. Two women: one whose sacrifice would bring about the destruction of the Dark Lord, the other who would give the Dark Lord the tool to rise again.

Two women. Two sons. Two sacrifices.

One Wizard's Debt Unpaid.


	11. The Strangest Day of All

**Chapter 13**

**Barely Acquainted Meetings**

"How much longer can this last?" Lily muttered.

She was lying on a couch, head against the armrest as her left arm was thrown over her eyes. She had briefly considered standing since the other people in the room were politicians and important figures that refused to even sit on the couches, let alone lie down on one. Then she mentally shrugged and laid down on the couch anyway. Let them do what they wanted, Lily had been here for six (_six!_) hours now and she was ready to get this over with. Honestly. They told her to be here at ten. It was nearly four-thirty.

"Lily Evans."

Lily sat up, thinking she was being called to speak, only to realize belatedly that the voice had been too quiet and too close for it to have originated across the room. She looked to her left and right but could not find anyone that looked to be addressing her.

"Lily Evans."

She spun around and jumped into a standing position in surprise when she realized the speaker was standing directly behind her. When she identified the speaker she almost took a step backward. She was one of the ugliest people that Lily had ever seen. The woman was short with dark, tight skin, and many moles sprinkled on her face. There were five on her left eyelid alone.

"Lily Evans," she whispered in a thick German accent, and Lily had a brief flash of memory.

"I saw you at the Leaky Cauldron in August. You grabbed my arm," Lily said, remembering. _And then your eyes flashed orange and you practically ran from me_, she recalled but did not say aloud.

"You were at Ball?" the woman asked in broken English.

"Yes."

"Shouldn't have been," the woman said.

"I was a guest of a friend of mine," Lily explained. But why did she explain? Why was she talking to this spooky little woman at all?

"Should have been at party not Ball."

"What?" Lily asked, crossing her arms over her chest. How did this woman know about Tracy's party? What was going on here?

"Should have helped Black family heir." Black family heir? Who was that?

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, uncomfortable with the conversation and the questions and the strange eyes and those moles. Who _was _this woman?

"Black family heir: Sirius. His future is tied to your choices."

"Sirius? Sirius Black? What? What are you talking about? Who _are_ you?" Lily asked, staring hard at the woman in front of her. Then it happened again: the woman's eyes flashed orange. But unlike last time, when Lily had seen only a flash of colour, this time she saw something else. She could have sworn she saw a dog in those orange eyes. _What the hell?_

"Tied," the woman repeated softly as she shook her head. Then she turned and began to walk away.

"What?" Lily said again, dumbfounded. Not willing to let this woman escape another time, Lily ran to catch up with her and blocked her way. "Who are you?"

"I didn't know," the woman replied, as if that stupid cryptic answer would be enough for Lily. The young redhead extended and hand to put on the woman's shoulder, only to have her hand pass through the other woman. Then the woman disappeared. _Disappeared_.

"What. The. Hell."

"Lily?" Lily turned and came face to face with Christian Knowles, who looked both sickly and nervous.

"Christian?" Lily asked slowly.

"Yes."

"Did you see the creepy woman disappear into the floor like spilled fruit?" Lily asked, turning and looking around the room as if to try and spot the woman. She refused to believe that she could have just disappeared.

"Lily, we need to talk. Now." She looked back at Christian, her eyes wide with disbelief.

"What is the world is going on in this room?" Lily exclaimed, lifting her hands and holding them out to her sides. "Am I stuck in _A Christmas Story_? Was she the ghost of Christmas future and you're the ghost of Christmas past?"

"Lily Evans!" called the voice at the door.

"Ah! The ghost of Christmas Present, right on time," Lily snapped.

"I need to talk to you." Lily opened her mouth to reply but was cut off.

"Lily Evans!" the voice summoned again.

Lily turned to face the door and yelled, "Now? You want me to come in _now_? No. Never mind. Of course you do. Of course I should have to speak right at this moment without any explanations because that is how magic works. It's meant to confuse and confound and then destroy the sanity of people, isn't it?"

"Lily, I need to speak to you," Christian said.

"Big freaking surprise!" Lily snapped at him, turning toward the door. "But I have to go talk to the Inquisition. Owl me."

"Lily Evans, please come forward," the voice said. She began walking towards it.

"This isn't a matter I can discuss through owls," Christian protested, grabbing Lily's arm to halt her movements.

"Well, too bad," Lily replied, yanking he arm away. "You ignored me at the Ball, you didn't reply to my owls during this week when I was freaking out trying to figure out how you were, and now that I definitely have to go, you want to talk?"

"I _need_ to talk."

"Well, _I _need to go answer questions from _another _imbecilic politician." With that Lily turned and walked away, not looking back in time to see his crest-fallen expression, not looking back in time to see the way that his shoulders sagged and his head drooped. He looked like a defeated man at that moment and Lily did not even take the time to look back and see it. Instead, she marched toward that loud voice and that stupid inquisition, grateful to be that much closer to done.

The man at the door barely nodded at her before opening it and letting her in.

She walked through the dark entranceway (what sort of dummy made an entrance dark, anyway?) until she reached a room that was much too big to be her destination. There were rows and rows of people facing her, with three people in the front looking prominent, and there were three rows of people watching the proceedings, also turned to look at her. She almost turned around and headed back into the lounge, convinced that she had the wrong room, when a voice announced her as "Lily Evans, witness number twenty-four."

"Please take a seat, Miss Evans," suggested the woman in the middle of the trio in the front. She nodded toward a chair in the middle of the room, in-between the rows of people looking at her and the rows of witnesses.

Who did she think she was kidding? Lily was _not _about to sit there. She had just met with Ian, heard Mrs. Crouch's crazy ideas, seen a woman _disappear_, and now this power-crazed woman thought she could tell Lily to just sit down? Right! This situation needed a bit more detailing. As the shock of everything that had come to pass – including seeing Christian so disgruntled – wore off and the basic freakiness of the situation settled in, Lily became more and more agitated.

"Miss Evans, please sit." What would happen if she refused? If she just turned and walked away and ignored all future summons?

The person on the left of the trio of people in the front row of the mass of people facing her stood, walked to the end of the row, and proceeded down a set of stairs. Didn't anyone else think it was odd that Lily couldn't see his face because of the poor lighting? If she were Minister she would fire the designer of this room. Twice. And then sue him for damaging the eyesight of all involved parties – the inquisition and the witnesses.

A moment later the figure was at Lily's elbow, leading her toward the chair. She was about to rip her arm away when she finally looked at and recognized him. It was Dumbledore, just Dumbledore, the crazy/eccentric/very, very old headmaster of Hogwarts. Good. He was good. He was nice. He wasn't some creepy mole-covered woman ranting about Sirius Black or an ex-boyfriend looking like death walking when he finally decided to grace her with his presence.

"Hello, Headmaster," Lily said, letting him lead her to the chair.

"Hello, Miss Evans," he replied, sitting her down, and taking the chair next to hers.

"Don't you have to go sit with them?" Lily whispered, jerking her head toward the masses.

"Not right now."

"So you're going to sit with me?" Lily asked, annoyed that she cared, annoyed that she was comforted by his presence.

"Yes."

"The whole time?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Lily replied, shifting in her seat so as to face the 'inquisition.'

"Please state your name and current place of residence," commanded the woman on the left of the trio.

"Lily Evans, Hogwarts Castle," replied Lily, sitting up straighter and pushing thoughts of the waiting room out of her head. Maybe if she just ignored those memories they would go away.

"And you were a guest of the Knowles family heir at the Crystal Ball?" Knowles family heir? Why heir? Why not just call him Christian, his name?

"Yes." Why all this business about heirs? Why the cryptic messages about Sirius Black, who was apparently an heir himself? Oops. She was supposed to be ignoring those thoughts.

"How did you meet Mister Christian Knowles?" Sure, now he has a name.

"He spent the summer near my home with a friend of his from school. We dated for nearly three months," Lily answered, never letting her back touch the chair. She did not want to be comfortable.

"How did he invite you to the Crystal Ball?" came that same cold, distant voice.

"He visited Hogwarts for my birthday and asked me then," Lily replied.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Lily asked.

"Why did he invite you to the Ball?" It sounded like this woman did not enjoy people asking her to clarify herself.

"Why did he invite me?" Lily repeated, disbelieving that anyone would ask such a potentially mean question. "I don't know why he asked me. He probably needed a date."

"And you were the best option?" asked the woman sceptically.

"I don't know. Maybe I was the third best option and the first two turned him down. You ought to ask him," Lily replied, gratified to hear a few appreciative chuckles from the mass of people in front of her.

The questioning became progressively more detailed ("What drink did you order?") and progressively stupider ("Could you recognize any of the Death Eaters?"), but Lily answered as honestly as she could. She even managed to hold back her annoyance and impatience to an extent. The questions were the same that the two others had asked her, if they were a bit more detailed. She only wished she could have given them a transcript of her old answers and skipped this proceeding. Why should they want her to answer them again? Wasn't _twice _enough? Lily definitely thought it was.

But the questions dragged on and on. As Lily fidgeted, Professor Dumbledore sat quietly beside her, exuding a sense of calm that irritated her. Why was he allowed to be so calm while these people would not stop harassing her by making her answer the same questions repeatedly? Why did three different people ask about her shield? No, she did not know what she was thinking when she cast it. No, it was not Mrs. Crouch who cast it, it was definitely her. Yes, she was sure she cast it. Didn't these people ever _listen_ to the answers she was giving?

Then the questioning took a turn that was both uncomfortable and unwanted.

"I understand that your wand broke during the Ball." And that was another thing that irritated Lily. Why did they insist upon calling it the Ball? Why not call it was it was: an attack?

"Yes, my wand broke during the attack." Oooh! That irritated them. The entire group seemed to jump at the term.

"Please explain the circumstances."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, suspicious and annoyed as she reached her hand into her robe pocket and fingered the wand she recently purchased. Why did her wand matter?

"I would like for you to explain the circumstances that led to the loss of your wand," the person repeated.

"It wasn't lost. After the Death Eaters cursed me it fell out of my pocket and broke," Lily said, implementing the condescending tones she knew adults, and especially insecure authority figures, hated.

"How exactly did it break?" the woman asked in clipped tones, showing her extreme dislike of any mention of Death Eaters. Oh this was too easy.

"I don't know what happened. As I said, one minute I cast a shield, the next I woke up in the hospital and a Ministry Official was telling me that they burned my wand."

"A Ministry Official?" It was the first time the voice sounded surprised.

"Yes," Lily replied slowly.

"Who?" And for a long moment Lily thought about her answer. The response she should have given was Auror Director Diana Brooks. Instead, in that instinctive place in her soul that had saved her during the attack, she heard a voice screaming to keep Director Brooks's visit a secret.

"The man who came to speak with me," Lily replied after that brief hesitation. "I don't remember his name, but I'm sure her remembers."

"Mister Pinfold, do you remember relating this information to Miss Lily Evans?"

"No," came a watery voice from behind the trio. "I most certainly do not."

He was there? Well that certainly created a problem.

"Miss Evans, are you sure it was Mister Pinfold?"

"No," Lily replied, her mind immediately finding a way out of this messy lie. "I don't even remember his name. Everything is blurred together. Maybe it was a nurse that told me. I only really remember going to Diagon Alley with my mother and buying the new wand."

The questioning ended soon after that. Lily had barely spoken for thirty minutes.

Many witnesses passed through the Wizengamot that today – important people with agendas and prominent family members with reputations to uphold – and few would remember the testimony of Miss Lily Evans, Muggle-born guest of the Knowles family heir. She was little more than an annoyance to most. Her answers were crudely honest and her injuries far too extensive. People would panic if this girl's story became public knowledge. The Ministry was of the opinion that the Aurors would apprehend Voldemort soon enough, so there was no need to cause public fear.

Luckily, only two people had mentioned Lily Evans in their testimony and the press corps disregarded Lily, so it was clear she was exactly what they expected: unimportant and easily ignored. Lily was merely a girl that should never have been at the Ball and should not have been questioned.

As she was leaving the inquisitional room, Lily saw three redheads – two men and one woman – sitting in the 'audience' portion of the room. Lily always noticed redheads, but these ones kept her attention. Specifically, their faces kept her attention. While Lily could see beauty in the woman and a certain charm in the men, the anguish on their faces and the tearstains running down the woman's cheeks were the most noticeable thing about them. In all of the audience, these three people were the only ones sitting next to each other. In fact, they looked as though they were relying on one another for the very ability to breathe.

Eyes never leaving them, thinking she knew the answer before it was spoken, Lily asked Dumbledore who they were.

"They are Fabian, Gideon, and Molly Prewett." And her suspicions were confirmed. She'd asked the nurse what she knew about the Prewett family while she was at St. Mungo's and been sad to discover the pair had shared three children, though all had left school by that point.

"Oh," Lily murmured as she walked right past them. But just as soon as she reached the door she stopped. Professor Dumbledore stopped beside her. Neither said a word as Lily turned and walked back over to the three siblings.

The three of them watched her approach with conflicting expressions on their faces: interest and disinterest, annoyance and compliance, but most prevalently they looked sad. Lily stopped in front of them and tried to think of the appropriate words to convey her feelings about what they were going through, but she could not find the words to show that. Instead, she hugged them each in turn and whispered words she did not understand: "They did not die in vain."

Never guessing the way their lives would come to touch, the three siblings watched Lily leave and forgot her name a moment later. Such was their grief. But the comfort of her hug and the true empathy she expressed stayed with them for years.

** – **

The train ride back to school was not nearly as uncomfortable as the one to the Ministry. This time, Lily's nerves weren't wound tight and she had no desperate need to cover up the silence with her words. Instead, she just sat and stared out the window, remembering the look in the eyes of the three Prewetts and wishing she could fix it.

"Chocolate, Miss Evans?" Headmaster Dumbledore asked. The sun had long since dove into the pool at the end of the horizon.

"All right. Thank you," Lily replied, reaching out and taking a piece from his outstretched hand and popping it into her mouth.

"I find it always makes a day better to end it with chocolate," Dumbledore explained.

"I don't know if anything could make this day better," Lily admitted, slumping against the seat.

"Oh?"

"That was the longest day of my life. I ran into all sorts of people I hadn't expected to, drudging up a lot of things I just wanted to forget."

"Forgetting will not lessen the pain," he replied, blinking at her.

"There is no pain." In the darkness outside, the trees blurred as the train zoomed past.

"It is remembering that makes us strong, that leads to change and betterment. Forgetting only allows history to repeat itself." The train moved so quickly that everything except the stars blurred together. Lily briefly wondered if she looked like a blur to someone outside.

"I just can't-- I can't keep telling this story." Lily wrapped her arms around her stomach and hating herself for feeling so weak and tired.

"Though I would encourage you to confide in your friends, this inquisition was the last time you will ever be forced to repeat it," the headmaster said. He caught Lily's gaze and she knew (without quite knowing why she knew) that he knew she had lied at during her questioning.

"Someone else interviewed me after Mr. Pinfold," Lily said, swallowing the last of the chocolate.

"You didn't mention that."

"It didn't feel right to talk about her. I doubt her trip was strictly approved by the Ministry."

"And yet you answered her questions?"

"She had more of a right to hear the truth than Mr. Pinfold," Lily said. _She knew Mr. Prewett and the Auror Director. She worked with them. What connection did Mr. Sweaty-Grossness claim?_

"And even with me you do not feel comfortable revealing her identity?" His blue eyes looked steadily at her and she felt ashamed not to trust this man with Director Brooks's identity, but even still she knew she could not tell him.

"It's not that I don't trust you," Lily began, "But that I wouldn't tell anyone. If you had spoken with her, you would understand. You know how the Prewetts looked when we were leaving? That's what she looked like: destroyed."

"Then she is the person who told you about the deaths of the Prewetts?" Professor Dumbledore asked, and only then did Lily remember that she was not supposed to know about that. In fact, Dumbledore technically wasn't supposed to know about that, though as a member of the inquisition he must have be briefed about it at least partially.

"Yes," Lily said, "but I haven't told anyone that either, and I won't."

"Why not?"

"Because--" Lily cut herself off. Why wasn't she telling anyone? Was it because the Ministry didn't want her to? No. That wasn't it. "Because it isn't my place to tell anyone."

"Then did their deaths have no effect on you?"

"Of course they did," Lily said. She wasn't callous, after all. "But that doesn't mean I have a right to announce their deaths."

"You don't?"

"No."

"Then how did their deaths affect you?"

"I'm going to fight for what they died for," Lily said without thinking. Shocked at her own words she met the headmaster's gaze with wide eyes, her right hand in her pocket holding her wand – _her _wand.

"A noble ambition."

"Psh!" Lily said, disagreeing with his comment and waving her hand as if to brush it aside. Mrs. Crouch's words sprung to mind and Lily didn't want to have more than just one person thinking she was something she wasn't. "I don't even know what I meant by that. I've probably read that somewhere."

"Could you tell me what happened in the waiting room?" Dumbledore asked, seeming to read Lily's thoughts.

"I couldn't even begin to describe my strange encounters in that room," Lily said. "I ran into Ian Tailor, my friend from home, then Mrs. Crouch, and then this mole-covered woman, and then Christian – all the in the span of seven hours or so."

"I heard Mr. Tailor's testimony. I remembered him from his visit to the castle."

"That's right. I'd forgotten that he came with Christian," Lily said, smiling as she remembered her friend loving her pumpkin costume. Then a thought sobered her and she asked, "Did you hear Mrs. Crouch's testimony?"

"I did."

As Lily sat there trying to think of a clever way to ask if Mrs. Crouch had mentioned her without blatantly asking the question, Dumbledore handed her another piece of chocolate. She put it in her mouth without thinking.

"Did anyone mention me?" Lily asked, deciding the broad question worked better.

"No one knew who cast it, but many mentioned seeing your shield."

"I wonder why." Lily mused aloud, thought of Mrs. Crouch briefly put aside. "Did I accidentally make it neon pink or something?"

"No. They noticed because it was the only shield cast in the room."

"What?" Lily asked, doing a mental double-take. "How did the others protect themselves?"

"They did not. Most ran to their Portkey immediately after the Death Eaters appeared."

"But that's so stupid!" Lily protested, sitting up straighter.

"Stupid to run from men intent on attacking them?"

"All right. It wasn't _stupid_, exactly, because my shield did get destroyed rather quickly, but running offers little to no protection."

"Running saved many lives."

"At what cost?" Lily exclaimed. Hearing her voice echo around the small compartment, Lily realized she had been yelling and immediately quieted her voice, though her comments were no less forceful. "They stranded people by taking those Portkeys."

"Is that why you cast the Shield Charm? To save strangers?"

"No!" Lily said, annoyed that everyone kept trying to give her some sort of noble purpose. She was just trying to make a point. "My shield was a reflex."

"Of course," the headmaster said, inclining his head. But Lily had a feeling there was no 'of course' about it. She had a sneaking suspicion that Dumbledore did not believe her.

"Have you spoken with Mrs. Crouch?" Lily asked.

"I have. Earlier this week she wrote to ask me of your condition."

Lily wanted to scream in frustration. Why wouldn't he just tell her if Mrs. Crouch had mentioned that nonsense about a 'Wizard's Debt'? Why couldn't he just answer the questions she did not want to ask?

"It is ironic," Professor Dumbledore began, "that the Shield Charm, which you executed so well, is a prime example of a Defence Against the Dark Arts spell, a class I understand you have no interest in."

"Ah, yes, but we happened to learn that spell in Charms, a class I adore," Lily replied.

The train ride passed more quickly than Lily thought possible and soon they were pulling into Hogsmeade and getting into the horseless carriages. The bumpy journey was almost the hardest part for Lily. She was so close to the castle and yet had to wait out this twenty minutes ride. It was painful. Soon, though, the odd pair walked up the night-covered steps to the main doors, and as the doors to the Great Hall opened to reveal an empty castle, the Headmaster addressed Lily.

"Thank you for letting me accompany you today," he said, walking into the main entryway.

"Thank _you _for coming," Lily replied, surprised to find that she really was grateful.

"My door is always open," he said, and Lily understood that this was her fourth invitation to talk about the events of that night. Yet unlike the invitations from the other professors, this one was neither awkward nor uncomfortable. He looked her in the eye, and she understood why. He, unlike everyone else, had been through an attack of this sort. He survived Grindelwald. He understood.

"Thank you," Lily said, smiling a half-smile at him.

"Would you like for me walk you back to Gryffindor Tower?"

"No, thank you. I can find my way."

"All right. I have some business in my office, but Professor McGonagall excused you from your morning Arithmancy class," he commented.

"Oh. That was nice of her." Annoying more like. Why did McGonagall think Lily was made of eggshells? First she excused her from patrol and then the prefect meeting and now _class_?

"Good night, Miss Evans."

"Good night, Headmaster."

Lily took the long way back to the Tower, avoiding main passages and sorting through the jumble of thoughts tangoing across her brain. Why had Mrs. Crouch thought she saved her life? Why had Ian turned down the Ball? Who was that creepy woman? What the hell was wrong with Christian?

Her feet guided her soundly through the corridors, one step after another, until she finally reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. And found the portrait empty. What? Could portraits be empty? Could she get in without the Fat Lady? After tugging on the frame a few times, she found her answer to that question.

Having no other option but to wait out the Fat Lady, Lily sat on the closest set of staircases. Magical schools were confusing.

In her boredom, Lily began to charm the dirt of the ground to spin in circles in the air. Growing bored with parlour tricks, Lily began trying to conjuring fire and write with it the air. That was fun; it was like a magical sparkler. She only wished the words would stay around longer, instead of turning into smoke and drifting away. Maybe if she used a-

"So, you're back, are you?" asked a voice behind Lily, shocking her. She jumped up and spun around to find Gertrude Wrightman descending the stairs. Lily's heart was beating erratically, but she felt better to see a familiar face, even if it was the face of a girl that hated her.

"You scared me," Lily replied. The cold, slow way Gertrude stepped freaked Lily out. The Slytherin's ever-present aura of majesty radiated off of her: her movements were graceful and ancient, like she belonged in a castle. Maybe Gertrude was on patrol – she _was_ a Slytherin sixth year prefect – but where was her patrol partner? The glare that Gertrude fixed on Lily when she reached the landing was mildly comforting in that it was the same look she always bestowed upon Lily. _At least some things never change,_ thought Lily.

"You were at the Ministry."

"Uh-huh," said Lily, trying to figure out why Gertrude's voice sounded so strange to her ears. Hadn't she heard her voice in prefect meetings?

"He took a lot out of you," she stated, and Lily began to think that no, she really had never heard the other girl speak before.

"Who?" asked Lily, distracted, as she wondered why the girl wouldn't have spoken at meetings. And if Lily had never heard her speak before, how did she know with such certainty that the Gertrude hated her?

"The Dark Lord," replied Gertrude.

"What?" asked Lily, certain she'd misheard the girl.

"The one who hurt you so much," explained Gertrude.

"Voldemort?" Lily asked. Gertrude's eyes narrowed.

"His name is feared," Gertrude mentioned, though she carefully hadn't claimed that she herself was afraid. Still, Lily stared at the girl, not knowing how to respond without completely berating the girl. "Your whole house is falling apart, Lily."

"What do you mean by that?"

"The house of Gryffindor is splintered."

"We aren't splintered!" Lily replied, confused.

"If you aren't, then you will be soon," Gertrude said. "You ought to really think about which side of this fight you want to be on."

"Listen, Gertrude," Lily snapped, taking a step forward. She was gratified to see the smaller girl step back. "I don't need a shady conversation with you right now. In fact, on my list of 'Shit I Definitely Don't Need to Deal with Tonight,' this is number two. Number one is Voldemort attacking the castle. Explain yourself or leave me alone."

Drained, Lily stood staring at the smaller girl for a long time. They looked into each other's eyes from across social barriers, from red house to green, and then they made a bridge.

"Walk with me, Lily," commanded Gertrude. Of all of the possible reactions to her outburst, Gertrude's real reaction was surprising. So surprising, that Lily took her up on the offer. Before she began walking, Gertrude took her wand and pointed it at her prefect badge, lighting it as though she were on patrol. Lily did similarly, though she had to pull her badge out of her pocket to do so.

"You don't wear your badge at all times?" Gertrude asked, nodding her head at Lily as she pinned it to her.

"Hell no," Lily replied, lighting it. Gertrude nodded and turned to walk down a set of stairs. Lily paced with her, deciding to not be shocked by anything else that could possibly happen.

The silence that enveloped them was actually comforting. It gave Lily time to let her mind sort through the thousands upon thousands of thoughts racing through her mind. They walked by portraits and doorways, suits of armour and two cats before Gertrude began speaking.

"I don't like you."

"Yeah, I know," Lily replied.

"Why'd you speak up for the Slytherins at the December meeting?"

"Because Diana the Dufus wouldn't let me pass," Lily replied honestly, noticing a window near the ceiling. Moonlight poured in through that little window.

"But why Slytherins?"

"It makes me sick sometimes," Lily replied, still watching the window as they walked by it. "I mean the rest of the school treats Slytherins like they are the pre-made villains of everyone's lives and they aren't."

"It's not your concern," Gertrude countered.

"Like hell it isn't," Lily replied, turning her head to look at the smaller girl. "I live here too, and I think it's a stupid stereotype brought about by an archaic sorting system that has never done anything except make enemies of people who might have been friends. It sucks that you guys are booed on the Quidditch field and that people cheer when you lose the House Cup. I wasn't about to sit there and listen to Princess Jodie and Idiot Jenna complain about food and first years when there are real concerns plaguing the school."

"Why do you care?"

"Why not?"

"Because it has been this way for a thousand years."

"My friend Sam once told me that Muggle-borns bring change."

"That they certainly do," Gertrude said. She turned to Lily and stopped walking and said, "Do you only talk about equality in order to become head girl?"

"No!" Lily exclaimed. "On my list of 'Shit I _Never _Want to Deal With,' becoming head girl is ranked higher than Voldemort attacking the castle."

The pair began walking again, walking in circles on the deserted third floor. Lily stopped to take off her shoes and carry them in her hand. Gertrude looked disgusted at the idea, but Lily hardly cared. The cold stone floor felt nice against her bare feet.

"To tell you the truth," Lily said, opening the conversation again, "I always assumed you'd be head girl and your partner, whose name I never can remember, would be head boy."

"That's interesting," commented Gertrude, though she said no more.

"Well, who else could it be? Jodie? Jenna? They're both insane. And the blokes have shown zero desire."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" Lily asked, swinging her shoes in her hand.

"Couldn't you be head girl?"

"Ha!" Lily laughed. "You must be joking. Have you seen me at meetings? I hardly ever pay attention. The younger students don't respect me. They don't even know who I am except vaguely as the annoying prefect who spoils James Potter's fun. I'm not a leader. Hell, I'm not even nice to most people."

"I must admit," Gertrude began, her mouth set in a line, "that you are exactly as I imagined you would be."

"That sucks. I was hoping to be amazingly different. Then we could have become secret best friends and formed the type of inter-house bond that everyone else seems to fear," Lily quipped, not sure herself it she was joking.

"We will never be friends."

"No. I suppose we won't be," Lily replied, leading the pair to a long stairwell that led to the ground floor.

"Maybe we can be something else," Gertrude said.

"Well, doesn't that just reek of innuendo," Lily replied jokingly. "Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not interested in women."

Gertrude simply looked at Lily. When their eyes met, Lily cast her eyes downward.

"Right. Sorry. Poor joke," Lily muttered.

"I meant that we might find away to inspire one another," Gertrude said, ignoring Lily's comment.

"I don't understand." Despite herself, Lily was intensely curious.

"I would like for you to convince me that fighting the Dark Lord isn't stupid, that I might be able to achieve great ends by fighting with you. In return, I will convince you that you are right about Slytherins; that we are not all evil, that your work is worthwhile."

Lily looked at this girl who was as close to an enemy as she had. She looked at this regal woman of sixteen, whose hair was blonde and curled at the ends near the middle of her back. She looked at the way she walked and suspected that if she put a book on her head, Gertrude could keep it up there as long as she wanted to.

"Why me?" Lily finally asked, choosing not to really process the information so much as blatantly accept it and promise to think about it later.

"You understand the true danger," Gertrude answered, and Lily looked down at her bare toes.

"My friends think Voldemort will be caught soon," Lily said, unsure why she mentioned that to someone she did not trust. Gertrude, Lily knew, would use anything Lily said against her if she could. She would remember these words in case they may provide a weakness in Lily someday. Not because she was a Slytherin, but because, as she said, she still disliked Lily. And yet, Lily knew somehow that talking with this girl was easier than talking to any of her best friends.

"You know differently."

"He ran from the Aurors," Lily replied.

"Yet the Aurors did not catch even one of his followers."

"So why do you want me to convince you to join the Aurors's side?"

"I don't. I want you to convince me to join _your_ side, which I suspect will eventually be Dumbledore's side, though I make no presumptions."

Well, wasn't Gertrude just full of surprises? She didn't automatically assume Lily would side with Dumbledore in this fight? Lily couldn't believe that. She was a Muggle-born. What other side would she take? Actually, Lily couldn't quite believe that she was even acknowledging that a battle coming. When had she accepted that fact? But she knew the answer to that. She had accepted that fact the moment she looked into the eyes of the Prewetts, when she realized the Ministry would never be able to capture Voldemort.

"Why me?" Lily asked as the pair passed a statue of a gargoyle. "I'm just another Muggle-born."

"I've heard about what happened at the Ball. You put your life on the line by casting a shield."

"I didn't mean to." Why did everyone care about that stupid thing?

"I never said you meant to," countered Gertrude. "I don't care what you meant to do. You cast a shield as a reflex, and it's always good to have an ally with that reflex. That means their first instinct is to protect, and I want to join the side that would look out for me."

"But you don't even like me."

"Fortunately, you don't have to like someone in order to fight beside them. You only have to share a common belief, if only for a moment," Gertrude said. The creaking movements of a statue made both girls turn around in time to see to black haired figures immerge from the shadows.

Lily lifted her wand – the one that would let her fight in the upcoming battle – and shone light on the two figures. James Potter and Sirius Black both raised a hand to block her light from hitting their eyes. Lily mentally shook her head. Of course. Because her day would not have been complete before she ran across all of the people who could manage to make her feel small.

"Go back and help rebuild your splintered house," Gertrude whispered, capturing Lily's attention. "And convince me."

The blonde, elegant girl turned and walked off into the dark hallway, walking until nothing of her remained except a silhouette outlined by the light of her fading badge. Lily turned toward the boys who remained still outside the statue of the gargoyle, then she walked up to them.

She met the eyes of James Potter and Sirius Black, lingering on the latter and wondering if the orange-eyed lady knew what she was talking about, wondering if Sirius Black's fate was in her hands. Both boys had a hollow look in their eyes, a look comprised of mingled guilt and regret. Once upon a time, Lily reflected, she would have been very happy to see them look so humbled. As it was, she could only wonder if maybe she had a similar look in her own eyes.

"Heading back to the common room?" Lily asked, too tired to be anything less than blunt. She had zero desire to discuss what had just transpired between her and Gertrude.

"Yes," replied James Potter.

"Then for tonight," Lily replied, in quiet tones, "let's walk there together and pretend like we are simply strangers, instead of almost-enemies, and walk back silently."

"Aren't you on duty?" James asked, directing his gaze toward her badge. Lily reached up with her left hand and took it off, pocketing it.

"No. I'm not."

"Aren't you supposed to report us?" James pressed. Still no one moved and Sirius Black did not open his mouth.

"Yes," Lily said. The three stood there looking at one another, the three whose lives would become so intertwined that none could separate them. And though it took a moment, James finally nodded his head, accepting Lily's offer, and the three turned back to the common room together.

The Fat Lady had returned by the time they reached her, though she was very drunk, splashing her drink everywhere as she opened. Sirius went up to his dorm like a blur, leaving James and Lily together. Lily thought nothing of it as she moved toward her own dorm.

"It's really decent of you to keep this quiet," James said as way of gratitude, stopping her in her tracks. When was James Potter ever grateful? She turned to address him, though she kept walking backward.

"Decent nothing," Lily said, gesturing as if to wave the words away. "I'm so tired my face hurts."

"Don't you want to know where we were?"

"That's your business. Not mine," Lily replied, reaching the door to the girl's wing and holding the handle in her hand.

"You're not curious?"

"Of course I'm curious, but as I said before: I'm tired. In fact, my bed sounds so inviting that even my excessive curiosity regarding the whereabouts of two boys I barely know cannot combat my need for sleep." Lily turned around, pulled the handle, and swung open the door.

"We weren't doing anything wrong."

"I don't care," Lily replied, walking through her door and shutting it behind her.

The idea of sleeping did sound fantastic, but unfortunately it would not happened for hours and hours. Not until twenty feet of parchment had been filled with words and wishes and dreams and strange encounters with barely-acquaintances. When she woke the next day, Lily would find, to her dismay, that there were even a few hearts with J.P. written in them.


	12. Misunderstandings of Students

**Chapter 12**

**The Misunderstandings of Students**

Waking up Monday morning was one of the most difficult experiences of Lily's life. She even thought about taking Professor McGonagall's "free skip," but ended up deciding that doing so would just draw more attention to herself. So she sat up in her bed and looked blearily around the room, hating her friends for being able to sleep because they had no morning class on Monday.

She took what might have been the longest shower of her life, brushed her teeth, changed, and then left her dormitory for breakfast.

"Lily!" called a voice as soon as Lily entered the common room. She cast her eyes around the room and spotted Remus walking up to her. If he so much as breathed incorrectly, even her half-awake mind realized he would be facing her wrath.

"Hello, Remus," Lily murmured, choosing not to stop and wait for him. If he wanted to talk he could follow her down to breakfast.

"We need to talk about the prefect meeting last night," he continued as she pushed open the portrait.

"Why?" Lily asked, turning left down the corridor.

"Because-- um--" He couldn't even complete a whole sentence without stumbling over his words. Didn't Matt think he was a werewolf or some nonsense like that?

"Because why?" Lily prompted, sliding aside a panel in the wall that led to her favourite secret passage way: the one that went straight to the kitchens.

"How did you learn about this passage?" Remus asked, completely changing his own subject.

"I don't even remember," Lily replied, shrugging as the torches lit themselves as they moved through the passage. "I think Christine and I found it second year or something. It was a long time ago."

"Second year?"

"Yes." Lily stifled a yawn as she reached the steep, spiralling staircase that led to the kitchen's back entrance. "I'm sorry. Why did we need to talk?"

"Oh, right." Remus was too busy looking at the stairs and the portraits to pay any attention. It was as if he'd never _been _in this passage before. But that wasn't possible. It opened only two corridors from Gryffindor tower. Didn't everyone know about it?

"Something about the meeting I missed," Lily prompted. "When did you get back, by the way?"

"Yesterday afternoon." Then Lily must not have seen him in the Hospital Wing. Well, that was a relief. At least he wouldn't be asking her any uncomfortable questions.

"What kept you?"

"Family business. How long is this staircase?"

"Not much longer," Lily replied, too tired to press for details about anything. Lily had lain in bed for hours without rest, running over the various conversations she'd had the day before, and she held no great desire to consume more information.

"And this goes to the Great Hall?" Remus asked after a moment.

"No," Lily replied. "It goes to the back entrance of the kitchens."

"Really?" Maybe he had never found this passage. How strange. Didn't everyone search the castle? Maybe he and his friends just didn't go in for that sort of thing. But then, hadn't she found them in that room after hours last year, during the Game?

"Do you not like to use secret passages?" Lily asked.

"Oh. Um." That was much more like the Remus she knew and patrolled with: inarticulate, awkward, and unable to answer simple questions. Okay. Maybe the sleep deprivation made her a little harsh, but honestly, she'd never seen him speak so avidly as he had during this small dialogue.

"Prefect meeting," Lily reminded him as they reached the bottom of the stairs and a black wall.

"Right. Well, the Hufflepuff sixth years and the Slytherin fifth years were both caught by Filch snogging during their patrols."

"What?" Lily asked, stuck with disbelief.

"They were caught on different days--"

"I wasn't disturbed by the logistics of it. I was disturbed by the imagery. Can you imagine Jenna kissing anyone?" Lily shuddered at the idea. Then she smiled. "She must be so angry at being caught. She'll think it'll compromise her chances at Head Girl."

"It could," Remus put in.

"Who cares?" Lily said. Then she turned to the wall and drew a happy face on it with her wand. The wall disappeared in front of them and Lily walked forward. Unfortunately, Remus did not. She had to go back, grab his hand, and pull him forward.

"What was that you just did?"

"I opened the door," Lily replied, deciding to be childish and not tell him how to do it.

The house-elves made short work of breakfast, bringing Lily a bagel with jam and Remus a bowl of oatmeal. They eyed each other shortly, realizing that the other person must come very often to the kitchens if the house-elves knew what to bring them without asking.

"So, that's why you followed me down here, to gossip about the other prefects?" Lily asked, taking a bite out of her bagel as she walked toward the front exit. It was closer to her Arithmancy classroom.

"No," Remus said, holding his oatmeal bowl in one hand and his spoon with the other. "Those pairs were banned from patrolling, so everyone else has to take two additional patrols, and some have to take three more a month since the extra patrols are split between only the remaining sixth years." Lily stopped eating and turned to look at Remus Lupin.

"If you tell me that you signed us up for three more shifts a month, I will kill you," Lily said clearly. His sheepish and apprehensive look was enough of a response. Lily turned and marched out of the portrait.

"It's only five nights a month since we had less normal already," he continued, following her.

"Five nights a month!" Lily yelled, still walking toward her class. "Are you joking? Are you even _there _during our patrols? Not only are they useless, they're boring! Horribly, horribly boring! We don't even talk. And you signed me up for three more nights of that? I just-- I can't even fathom your reasoning."

"Well--" He tried to interrupt, but Lily wouldn't let him.

"If anything, _we_ should snog and get caught. Then we wouldn't have to deal with patrolling!"

Colour jumped onto Remus's face and his eyes darted over Lily's shoulder a moment later. She turned to follow his gaze and found herself looking at James Potter, who was just staring at them, about to go into the Arithmancy classroom.

"And now," Lily muttered, "my morning is truly complete; I've made a stupid statement in front of James Potter."

"Hey, Remus," James said.

"We'll talk tomorrow, Remus," Lily said, turning to go into her classroom.

"Actually, we have a patrol tonight."

"Joy," Lily said with false enthusiasm, walking into her class and slamming her bag down on the desk she normally shared with Kevin Creggie, the Ravenclaw prefect. He looked at her with wide eyes.

"You okay?" he asked.

"What the hell happened at that meeting last night? Hormones gone awry?" Lily asked, sitting and pulling out with quill and ink

"Something like that. Jenna's furious."

"_I'm _furious," Lily countered. "I'm the one who has to take three extra patrolling shifts to pick up her slack."

"We all have to take at least two."

"And I have to take three."

"What's so wrong with that? Your partner seems like a good enough bloke. Remus, right? One of that group of Gryffindors that charmed the Great Hall ceiling to make real rain last year."

"Yes, it's Remus," Lily answered. "And the problem isn't that he's a bad person. The problem is that he's a mute. He _never _speaks."

"We should switch. I'd like some peace and quiet. Jodie's a nutcase on patrol. She disillusions herself and ducks behind statues like she's an Auror and then tackles passing students. I try to warn them, but some don't catch on fast enough. First years are terrified of her. Hell, I'm terrified of her."

"All right class, let's begin," the professor began. Lily and Kevin stopped their conversation and turned toward the front, but Lily couldn't stop thinking about it. It's true; Remus wasn't a horrible partner. In fact, this morning he'd been rather talkative. Maybe she just needed to say something to interest him.

"Today we'll be working with the variations of the annual calendar and discussing the importance of Mayan dating," the professor continued, pointing to the board, where a picture of some old stone ruins appeared. "The Mayans created one of only four original written languages, and had the concept of zero. Does anyone remember anything else interesting about the Mayans?"

_They were amazing astronomers. They could predict eclipses and created Chichen Itza, an observatory that was made so perfectly that when the sun sets on the Summer Solstice, the shadows looks like a snake crawling down the side of it, _Lily remembered, but did not raise her hand. She would have answered readily enough it called on, but Lily didn't want to be _that _kid: that handing-raising kid who was so impressed with themselves that they had to demonstrate to others how great they were. She left that position open to people like James Potter. Actually, why was the professor still asking for volunteers? Shouldn't James have raised his hand by this point and enlightened the class with his wealth of knowledge?

Lily craned her head around and found James Potter staring at her. Geez! She spun back around to face forward, hating her heart for speeding up and her cheeks for flushing. Traitors.

And Lily hated it that she wanted to know why he wasn't raising his hand. She hated that she actually (in that place in her mind that she wanted to cut out and throw away) found James's intelligence attractive. So then why wasn't he answering the question? Why, instead, was he staring at her with such intensity that she could feel it on her neck and she blushed even more?

Slowly she raised her hand.

"Miss Evans, do you have an interesting fact?" the professor asked, relief evident in his voice.

"The Mayans were talented astronomers," Lily began, and then she explained the history that she learned from Professor Sinistra: about their technological advances and calendars that ran in cycles. Lily finished, "Actually, they predicted the end of the world to take place December 24th, 2012."

"Very good, Miss Evans, and very accurate. Because of their ability with astronomy, they created a calendar that varies only slight from modern ones."

As the class dragged on, Lily kept stealing glances at James and kept hating herself for feeling disappointed when she found his intense stare not directed at her. What was wrong with her? Hadn't she promised herself that she would stop-- oh toss it! She wasn't mad at him. She'd forgiven him long before she meant to. It was hard to see the grief of the Prewetts and still believe that anything, when compared with the actions of Voldemort, worthy of real anger.

Anyway, she still liked James. Stupid pratt that he was. She was still infatuated, and it irked her that she had loved walking back to the common room in silence beside him. In fact, the conversation she'd had with him (even if it had been very, very brief) probably marked the longest, most decent conversation that they'd ever had. She decided to quit beating herself up about her crush and just to revel in it. Thus she returned to daydreaming about him in order to distract herself from thoughts of the inquisition or the people she'd run into there.

****

"So, I hear you verbally assaulted Remus Lupin this morning," Sam said the moment Lily left the Arithmancy classroom.

"Sort of. Just kind of blew up at the poor bloke. Ought to apologize," Lily replied, too used to Sam picking her up from class to be disturbed by starting a conversation so quickly.

"Did he ask you about the your Ministry trip?" Sam asked as the two began walking toward Potions.

"No," Lily said. James Potter pushed past the girls then and Lily let herself stare at his retreating back, enjoying admitting that she liked him even as she hated herself for being so weak.

"I guess you're back to obsessing again?" Sam asked, catching Lily's stare.

"It's not like I want to. I just can't help it," Lily replied, shrugging and nodded subtly toward him. "Look at him. How can you _not _like him?"

"With relative ease, actually," Sam replied.

"Thanks for the support," said Lily.

"Sickle if you kiss him right now," Sam offered.

"Sickle if you fall off the North Tower," Lily countered.

"Grouchy much?"

"No. I'm just revelling in being honest with myself again."

"Anyway, why did you attack Remus?"

"Oh. That. He signed us up for three more patrol nights a month."

"Ew. Why?"

"Because those idiot prefects in Slytherin and Hufflepuff couldn't keep their hands off one another for four bloody hours and got their patrols taken away."

"Ha!"

"No. Not funny. It means more silent, boring, long nights walking up and down the corridors as I ruin other people's fun. You know what I have become? I've become the person we run from during the Game," Lily moaned.

"Tracy would freak out if she heard you talking about that in a corridor," Sam said, turning left.

"Tracy doesn't freak out about anything."

"Which Tracy are _you _talking about?"

"Tracy, the beater who is one of the most relaxed people that I've ever met," Lily replied.

"No. I don't know a Tracy like that. Maybe you're thinking of someone by another name that you have confused with Tracy McGrath," Sam said, and Lily wasn't sure if she was kidding or not.

"Maybe," Lily said, shrugging because she did not want to disagree with Sam right now.

"Anyway, how did the Ministry thing go?"

"You know that twenty feet of parchment you gave me?" Sam nodded as the two reached the door to the Potions room. "It's full."

"What? How? Didn't you leave that here when you left?" Sam asked, opening the door. Lily nodded and ducked under her friend's arm to enter the classroom.

"And I stayed up all last night writing on it. Now it's full."

"I'm guessing your weekend was eventful then?" Sam asked, following her into the room.

"Like you wouldn't believe." The two sat together at the table in the middle left of the room.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you later, but it involves running into Christian, Ian, Cordelia Crouch, a mole covered Russian, and Gertrude Wrightman," Lily said, seeing Professor O'Malley enter at that moment. She knew they would be able to speak of nothing but their assignment for the duration of the class.

"Cauldrons out."

****

Tracy did not sit by Lily at lunch. In fact, she sat almost twenty seats away, speaking with James Potter is hushed tones as Lily munched away on bits of apple and pretended not to care.

"And then Gertrude left?" Sam asked.

"Yep." Lily felt a vague sense of guilt wash over her as she lied to her best friend, but Lily had definitely edited her trip to the Ministry in her retelling. She had mentioned nothing of the mole-woman who spoke about Sirius Black or of Cordelia Crouch talking about a Wizarding Debt. She also left out the bit about Gertrude and her walking together and the challenge that the other sixteen year old had given her. Oh. And she had omitted the Prewetts. Sam wasn't ready.

"So do you know what Ian was talking about? How did he know about James?" Lily asked, deciding to focus on what was probably the most self-involved aspect of the previous day: Ian teasing Lily about James.

"About you obsessing over the boy?" Sam asked, lowering her voice. James was always referred to as 'the boy' when they were where someone might overhear them.

"Exactly." Lily dragged her eyes away from the sight of James and Tracy at the end of the table and looked at Sam.

"He doesn't know about that," Sam said, eating a spoonful of soup.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I haven't said anything to anyone. You definitely haven't said anything to anyone. No one else knows." Now, if Lily were the sceptical type she would think that Sam was lying to her. She would suspect that her friend slipped up one time and was trying desperately to cover her own tracks. Then Lily would probably leap across the table and pour that bowl of soup over Sam's head. Fortunately for both girls (and their sanity) Lily was not the suspicious type.

"He mentioned Tracy."

"I haven't told a soul," Sam said, and it bothered Lily that she believed Sam so implicitly because that led to all sorts of uncomfortable questions.

"So what was Ian talking about? What did Tracy say to him?"

"I couldn't tell you for certain." Sam put her spoon down and crossed her hands on her lap.

"You know something," Lily accused.

"No. I suspect something."

"Suspect with me."

"Can't."

"Why not?" Lily whined.

"Girl Rules."

"Arg!" Lily exclaimed, causing a few people to look over. "Why did it have to be Girl Rules. Anything else could be countered, but those damnable Girl Rules can't be broken."

"I'm glad you acknowledge the situation I'm in," Sam said.

"Shut it," Lily snapped. "That just means that Tracy- well, actually, I have no idea what that means, except that I can't pry the information out of you." Lily stood quickly, leaving her half-eaten apple.

"Where are you going?" asked Sam.

"I'm going to Hogsmeade, want to come?"

"And skiv off class?"

"Why not?"

"Can't do it. Sorry," Sam said. "I don't skiv off. You know that."

"And I've told you since second year that you are seriously hampering our friendship by refusing to bond with me through breaking rules."

"I race around this castle in the middle of night, just like the rest of you. Let that be enough."

"Fine, boring bunny. I have other friends, you know."

"No, you don't," Sam said, smirking. Lily made a face at her and then walked down the table and tapped Tracy on the shoulder, causing her to cut off her conversation with James abruptly and face Lily.

"Come to Hogsmeade with me," Lily commanded. She tried to ignore the obvious shock in James Potter when he heard her words.

"Sorry, Lily. I can't."

"You _have _to," Lily countered. "Christine is missing - I think she's somewhere snogging some Ravenclaw - and Sam refuses to blow off class. You're my last chance."

"I can't and neither can you."

"I can and I _really _want to," Lily said. "I want to go dance and sing and build snowmen and just generally be those obnoxious teenagers that the villagers hate."

"We have a Transfiguration exam."

"What? Why?" Lily moaned, sinking down to the floor cross-legged and slapping her knees.

"Because Professor McGonagall hates us," Tracy said, smiling.

"Fine," Lily consented, slumping and resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. Then her eyes brightened and she focused on Tracy. "But later you are going to have to answer one or two questions I have for you."

"About what?" Tracy asked. She looked so innocent: innocent as if she hadn't spoken with Ian about James Potter and herself.

"About Ian," Lily replied, feeling rebellious mentioning this in front of James himself.

"What about Ian?" Tracy replied. If Lily hadn't seen the way her friend paled two shades, she might have believed her innocent tone.

"Oh. I think you know," Lily replied, still watching for signs of guilt. I ran into him yesterday

"Did he visit?" James asked. Lily resisted the urge to look at him as she started to see Tracy's shifting in her seat.

"Not exactly," Tracy replied.

"Well, where did she run into him?"

"The Ministry," Lily replied, kind of enjoying making Tracy so obviously uncomfortable. "I was summoned for an Inquisition and so was he."

"Wasn't Sunday the day of the Ball Inqui-" James stopped himself and this time Lily did look over and literally saw him putting the pieces together in his mind.

"You didn't know?" Lily was surprised. Didn't the whole school know? Lily wanted to mentally slap herself. How arrogant could she have been to assume that everyone knew. Friday she had hoped that no one knew.

"He's had other things to worry about," piped a voice across the table. Lily had to shift her position and rest on her knees in order to get a good look at a defiant-looking Peter Pettigrew. His tone suggested that he thought she ought to know what he was talking about.

"I didn't mean he ought to have known and worried. I was just asking," Lily lied, annoyed with Peter's tone. She barely knew the boy. In fact, this may have been their first conversation since first year, when Lily had spoken to everyone.

"Well, you were there at Tracy's party." Peter obviously hadn't put two and two together like James. "You ought to know that he-"

"Lily!" exclaimed Tracy, standing and interrupting Lily just as she was about to ask Peter what he'd meant. "I left my Transfiguration things in the dorm. Come get them with me." With that, she grabbed Lily's arm and pulled her away from the potentially interesting conversation she might have had with one Peter Pettigrew.

****

At the beginning of the Transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall took her into the corridor and told her that while the rest of the class was scheduled to have an exam, Lily was excused.

"It's all right, Professor. I'll take the exam now," Lily protested. She knew she wouldn't do very well on the test, but she'd never heard of anyone taking an exam late in McGonagall's class. She didn't want to be the first.

"You will take it Wednesday during your free period in the afternoon," McGonagall commanded. Her tone left no room for negotiations, but Lily tried anyway.

"I don't want an unfair advantage."

"Advantage? Miss Evans, you were in the hospital and missed the lessons which this exam tests. You will meet with me today and tomorrow at four to learn the material covered. Then you will take the exam in two days time." With an impressive sweep of her robes, the Deputy Headmistress turned and marched back into her classroom.

"Argh!" Lily yelled, frustrated. She hadn't even _wanted _to come to class today, and now this was what she had to deal with? That was ridiculous. Stomping her feet in a decidedly childish fashion, Lily found herself heading toward the kitchens and an ice cream sundae.

"Lily!" called a voice behind her, causing her to whip around. Oddly enough, her hand sought out her wand on reflex. Trying to ignore the fear that had coursed through her for a moment, Lily smiled as she recognized Christine running up to her, two books in her arms, a bag slung precariously over one shoulder, and a huge grin on her face.

"Don't you have an exam to take, Christine?" Lily asked, pocketing the wand, ashamed of pointing it at a friend.

"I have a note from Pomfrey excusing me. Basically, I am awesome," Christine said, reaching Lily and shifting to get a better grip on her things.

"McGonagall doesn't let people make up her exams. You'll take a zero."

"I'll do really well on my practice N.E.W.T.s and she'll forgive me," Christine said. "I heard you wanted to go to Hogsmeade."

"Christine, I love you!" Lily yelled, jumping forward and embracing her friend. Christine laughed and hugged her back, though her books and bag ended up on the ground. Lily quickly scooped them up, shoved the books into the bag, and handed it back to Christine. She ignored the pain in her ribs. It was fainter anyway.

"Ready to go?" Christine asked.

"Don't you have to put your things away?"

"No. I'll leave them by the Great Hall," Christine said as she began heading in that direction. "We have to go pick up Matt."

"Matt?" Lily inquired. "Matt, as in Tracy's brother Matt?"

"Yes," Christine replied.

"The Head Boy?" Lily pressed, knowing that occasionally a person had to triple or quadruple ask Christine a question in order to be sure that she understood it. Sometimes, she lived in her own little world.

"Yes, Lily. I know what I'm talking about," Christine replied.

"Okay." And so the pair walked down the stairs, Lily's giddy feeling of freedom adding an extra (sometimes painful) bounce to her step. Christine put her things down on the floor next to the Great Hall and Lily did the same, though she found a somewhat hidden chair. Soon they walked out into the cold, wrapping their winter cloaks tighter, as they marched on the Care of Magical Creatures area.

"Christine, is he in class?" Lily whispered as they drew near a group of seventh years.

"Yeah," Christine replied in a tone that obviously suggested this shouldn't be a problem.

"You're going to ask him to cut class in front of the professor?"

"No. I'm going to lie." Oh. Well. Fine then. But secretly, Lily knew that it was fine. While she lied in order to help others, she was hardly a very good liar, and she knew that, so she avoided it most of the time. Christine, on the other hand, was an excellent liar. She only rarely lied because she only rarely felt the need to do so.

So Lily walked on, smiling a tight smile as the students turned to look at the two sixth years approaching. In the group she saw many people she recognized: a few prefects (including an upset-looking Slytherin she remembered from the end of the year train ride party), not a few Gryffindors, and Professor Kettleburn whom she only vaguely recognized because of his missing right arm. Lily hung back around the fringe of the group as Christine walked through the group and to the professor, Matt waved to Lily and gave her a questioning looking, indicating Christine with his head. Lily shrugged and smirked, unable to hide her excitement about going to town.

"Matt McGrath," the professor summoned. The Head Boy glanced at Lily again, before talking to his professor and then jogging back to pick up his bags and things. Then Christine and he walked over to Lily. The three of them headed back up to the castle.

"What happened to her?" Matt asked.

"Who?" Lily asked.

"Tracy," Matt replied. Seeing Lily's blank look her turned to half-glare at Christine. In warning tones he began, "Stumpy."

"Yes, Matt?"

"You said I needed to go to the hospital wing in order to check on Tracy."

"True."

"She's not in the hospital wing, is she?"

"No," Christine replied, "but you didn't want to stay in class."

"I did, though. We were revising."

"It's cold," Christine said, as if that ought to have been enough reason for him to want to leave class without a valid reason. Lily snickered, still happy to be leaving campus.

"I know this wasn't your idea," Matt said, smirking.

"Matt," Lily jokingly admonished, her voice full of shock, "I'm a prefect-"

"And top of every class," Christine added.

"Not every class," Lily corrected.

"Some classes," Christine countered.

"Not a single one," Lily inserted.

"Most classes," Christine said, turning to Matt. "Lily is the top student in our year."

"Is that true?" Matt asked, obviously not caring at the change in conversation.

"No," Lily replied. The three students entered the castle at that point, put Matt's bags atop her own, and headed up to the forth floor mirror that would move aside and let them travel to the town.

"Liar," Christine chirped.

"I'm not top student. Don't you think I would know if I were?"

"No. Wait. You are. I promise."

"I'm not."

"Then who is?"

"I don't know, but it's certainly not me," Lily replied. She looked at Matt and gave him a self-deprecating smile, "I failed out of Defence, that's what kind of a student I am."

"Wait. You did _not _fail out of it."

"Yes, I did," Lily replied, laughing. She had always been bad at Defence. Her friend knew from the game, didn't she?

"How'd you do on the practical part?" Christine asked.

"I received a 'D.'"

"Oh. Well. Maybe-" Christine drifted off, absentmindedly stepping over the 'sticking step.'

"How'd you do on the written part?" Matt asked.

"Oh. You know." Lily shrugged, turning left to address him. She really hoped he wouldn't press. While she had no qualms sharing her horrible grades, sharing the good ones always bothered her.

"No. Wait. You are the top student in our year," Christine protested. "I promise. Tracy told me."

"Even if I were, which I'm not," Lily said as they reached the mirror and each made a horrible face at it, causing it to disappear, "I'm not going to be after the transfiguration exam."

Christine walked forward and Matt turned to Lily as they followed her, saying with a smile, "I think you received an O on the practical part, and nearly every other O.W.L. that you took."

"What?" Lily exclaimed, catching her foot on the bottom of the mirror and nearly falling to the ground. When she balanced herself again, she turned and looked at Matt.

"Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."

"I'm not top student."

"Sure," Matt said, winking.

"No. Really-"

"Hurry up, you two!" called Christine from somewhere in front of them in the long, dark passage. The two quickened their paces.

"The one time those stupid badges could have come in handy, I left mine in my room," Lily complained.

"_Lumos_," Matt whispered as the pair caught up with Christine.

"Well, sure. _I _could have done that, but I prefer not to cheat," Lily said primly.

"Cheat?" Matt repeated.

"That's right. You're a cheater, using magic to actually make things easier. Who does that?" Matt laughed.

"I want a butterbeer," Christine announced.

"I suppose you're looking at me for a reason?" Matt asked.

"Well, you're buying it for me," she explained.

"Of course," Matt replied, smiling. Lily watched them, walking together, and was struck by their similarities. Both blond, both tall, both with half smiles on their faces. Their actual features were distinctively different, Matt's dull blue eyes very different than Christine's brown ones, his smile markedly smaller than hers, which seemed to take up her entire face. They'd known each other since Christine was nine, practically grown up together.

"Lily?" It occurred to her that they had been talking and she hadn't been listening.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Some top student you are," muttered Christine. Before Lily could respond, Matt cut in.

"What do you think about James Potter?" Matt asked. Lily almost stopped walking, so surprised was she by the change in subject.

"Excuse me?"

"James Potter. What do you think about him?"

"I don't know. I don't know him very well. Why?"

"He and Tracy have been spending a lot of time together is all. Just wondering." How adorable. Matt was worried about his sister and the types of- wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Why was Matt worrying about James Potter and Tracy? Unless-

"Do you think they're dating?" Lily asked.

"I was just wondering," Matt replied, neither affirming nor denying her suspicions.

"They aren't dating," Christine announced. But with Matt's question on her mind, Lily was not inclined to believe Christine.

"Anyway, how many more patrols did you pick up?" Matt asked, mentioning the one and only thing that could have bothered Lily more than the idea that one of her best friends was dating James Potter.

"Three!" complained Lily.

"Sorry about that. Diana insisted that the extra patrols all be covered by the sixth years, since the seventh and fifth years have important exams.

"I'm pretty sure I strongly dislike that girl," Lily said vehemently.

"Strongly dislike?" Matt repeated. "You don't hate her?"

"No. Hate is too strong a word. I don't think I-" Lily cut herself off. She used to tell people that she never hated anyone, but was that true anymore? Didn't she hate the men that had attacked the Ball? Didn't she hate Voldemort?

"You don't think what?" Christine asked. "Don't cut yourself off in the middle. That's annoying." But, further considering her feelings, Lily realized she did not even hate them. That would make her like them.

"I don't think I hate anyone," Lily finished. No. She only felt terribly sad for those men and women who killed without conscience. She was angry and sad and hurting a lot, but she did not hate them. Hating them would make her like them, and she would never submit to becoming like them in any way.

"You okay, Lily?" Matt asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Lily replied, smiling as she pushed those dark thoughts away. She was going to town to forget those things, and she would, for that moment, because she knew it would not last long. Only too soon, even trips to Hogsmeade would no longer erase the dark memories.

And so the three teenagers headed into the magical city adjacent to Hogwarts castle and the day passed quickly. They built snowmen, snow angels, and a large snow fort. Matt bought Butterbeer For the few hours, Lily forgot to try to stop worrying about the Inquisition and Christine just plain forgot everything.

****

After returning from Hogsmeade, Lily had had to run to the entrance hall to pick up her bags in order to make her tutoring session with Professor McGonagall. Luckily, the woman was scolding a pair of first years when Lily arrived. As the two first years left the room, Lily caught the eye of one of the boys and recognized him as Will McGrath, Tracy and Matt's brother. The other boy, Lily saw, was Sam's brother Chad Caldwell. She smiled at the pair. Chad lowered his head in shame, but Will gave her a big smile and wave before they both ran off and Lily entered the class.

"Chad and Will causing trouble?" Lily asked, her good mood from her Hogsmeade escapade lingering.

"I never had that sort of trouble with their sisters," Professor McGonagall muttered.

"Be glad you'll never have to teach _my _sister," Lily quipped, setting her bag on a desk and summoning her transfiguration book. Yes, using the spell caused a lot of excess parchment and books to tumble out, but it was faster than searching through with her hands.

"How old is your sister?"

"Twenty-two in April," Lily replied, shoving everything but the book back into the bag.

"I assume she's a Muggle," Professor McGonagall said.

"She's the most Muggle person you may ever meet," Lily replied, wondering why her things wouldn't fit back into her bag properly. She'd taken something out. Shouldn't it be easier then? "If there were a scale of Muggle-ness she would be a twelve out of ten."

"Interesting."

"Not really," Lily disagreed, shrinking her charms book and only then managing to put everything in her bag. She turned to find McGonagall looking worridly at her bag. "Don't worry. I do it all the time." The professor gave a curt nod.

"Have you read chapter ten?"

****

Lily met Remus in the front hall just after she had finished her tutoring session with McGonagall. Seeing Remus standing the shadows of the hall only served to remind Lily of the most boring task of all that lay in front of her: patrol. Hours and hours of patrol, but that was okay, Lily resolved, because she'd had a partially good day up until that point. Sure, lunch hadn't been great and Arthmancy had been a little painful, what with obsessing over James again, but the afternoon went well and the tutoring had been helpful. Maybe her day was on an upward trend.

"Hey, Remus," Lily greeted him.

"Hello," he replied, turning to head down a corridor.

"I'm sorry about the things I said this morning," Lily replied, following him down the hall. "I was tired and sleep deprived, and I had no right to yell at you."

"I understand." And while that didn't exactly alleviate the guilt she felt, Lily knew she had to accept his treatment. After all, she had been especially horrible to him for no apparent reason. Well, the reason seemed more apparent at the end of the patrol, after hours of silence.

"I'm glad we're taking these patrols. Honestly. You're the best partner I could have. I spoke with Kevin and he was telling me about patrolling with Jodie. It's horrible. She tackles little children and things like that. You and I, though, we work well together. The badges keep us from being really effectual, but we try. And you care and everything. In fact, you ought to put your name in for Head Boy, because I think you'd do good leading those meetings and things. And I'll just shut up now."

Despite Lily's babbling, the pair still lost all words and dialogues. What happened to the boy who had walked with her that morning? Oh, and hadn't Matt thought Remus was a werewolf? That could have been interesting.

****

The patrol ended quickly enough, though it was a silent affair. The next day, Lily went through a similar routine, including the tutorials. The transfiguration professor in class was intensely competent as a teacher. One on one, she proved herself to be intensely powerful. Watching the ease with which she both transfigured live animals and conveyed the lesson to Lily made the younger girl feel overwhelmed.

Actually, a lot made Lily feel overwhelmed. Her rib injury, which she still had to see Pomfrey about once a day, made climbing stairs more of a challenge than it had ever been before. At meals, people still tended to look at her whenever she entered or exited, though Lily knew she was just the most recent attraction in the ever-running rumour mill. It helped her to remember that there were still people like James Potter, who did not know about the Crystal Ball.

Still, she walked into the library on Wednesday with all the energy of her Monday Hogsmeade trip gone.

Lily threw her bag of supplies on the ground next her table, slouched into her chair, and rested her head on her arms on the table. Maybe, just this once, she could forget studying and simply fall asleep. Just fall and fall and fall.

"Hello, Lily," greeted the voice of James Potter, the voice Lily definitely did not want to hear, the voice that could keep her awake without effort.

"Hello, James," she mumbled resigned to his constant presence on Wednesdays. Yes, she was happy to hear his voice, to have him slide the chair out next to her, to just generally be near him, but she didn't have to let him know that. She could obsess over him in silence until the feeling passed. And it would pass. Eventually.

Sure, it hadn't passed after nearly a year and through a relationship with another boy, but that was no reason to give up hope, was it?

The night might have passed away in silence if Lily hadn't found herself unable to sleep and unwilling to accept another silent night with a member of her year. If Remus didn't want to talk, fine. He was forced to be with her, but James came into the library and intruded upon her time. The least he could do was entertain her, right?

Lily turned her head in her arms, considering the anomaly that was James Potter. She looked him over – really looked him over for the first time since coming back – and the sight frightened her. He had deep bags under his eyes, looked thinner than normal, and his eyes still held that guilt-filled look she understood only too well, though she could not imagine the cause of it. Was this what he had looked like two nights ago, when the dark of the night obscured her view? Was this what she had seen at lunch and in classes over the past week? How had she missed this horrific sight?

"Are you all right, James?" Lily asked, concern bringing the words to her mouth before sense could stop them. She was _supposed _to be mad at him about last Friday, when he'd left her collapsed in a hallway, but he looked even worse now than he had at that point.

"What?" he asked. She hesitated, then repeated her question.

"Yes. I'm fine. Fine."

"Oh. You sure?" Lily asked, and then he focused his eyes on her and Lily froze.

"I just- no, never mind."

"Is it about Sirius?" Since the Inquisition, specifically since the strange words of the orange-eyed German, Lily could not help but keep wondering about Sirius Black

"What? No. Why would you think that?" James shot back. His defensive attitude told more than he wanted.

"When I found you on the first floor on Sunday. He looked- I don't know. Sad." Lily didn't know why she mentioned that moment now. She hadn't mentioned it to anyone else, but mentioning it to James Potter made the most sense. They were best friends. "Just take care of him, all right?'

"I'm trying." And once more James' eyes unfocused out into the night. "He just doesn't seem to want my help."

"Sometimes, people need help the most when they refuse to accept it," Lily said, unsure what personal experience she had in this area, only knowing with a certainty that it was true. With a final look at James, Lily grabbed her bag off the ground and hauled it onto the desk in front of her.

"So," James began. There was a long pause. "You were at the Ball?" Processing his question, trying not to like the fact that he cared, Lily searched through her bag, finding jumbles of parchment and ink, a couple blouses, and a shoe.

"Yep," Lily replied, picking a spider out of her bag and placing it on the table.

"And you were called to the Inquisition on Sunday," James said, pressing a conversation that Lily didn't want. She couldn't find anything in this bag.

"Yes, and what a load of fun that was." She leaned back and reached into the pockets of her robes, finding a square foot of parchment that she placed on the table. Now she just needed a quill. She reached over and snatched James's quill right out of his hand, dipping it in the ink in front of him.

"Did you see- do you know- do you know what happened there?" James asked. Lily scribbled onto her parchment: _Sam. Where's my astronomy stuff? Lily._ The ink disappeared a moment later.

"Yes. A Ministry Ball was attacked by Voldemort," Lily replied, staring at the parchment for a moment, hoping Sam had heard the ding that accompanied the incoming message.

"Everyone knows that. Do you know what _happened_?"

"Happened?" Lily repeated, looking up. His emphasis on the word sent shivers down her spine, bad shivers, shivers that reminded her of the flash of lights hurtling at her shield.

"Do you know what really happened?" James inquired, a look of mingled hope and fear crossing his tired face. Lily thought about the tons of things she knew happened there: curses and hexes, fewer guests, suspicions flying left and right, deaths. But what did James know of those things? What did he _want _to know about those things?

"I left almost immediately after the Death Eaters arrived," Lily said, looking down at the parchment.

"Is that why-" He cut himself off. He had obviously begun thinking about what he was about to say as he said it. That must have been a first in James Potter's life. Now he only had to learn how to think _before _speaking and not excite the curiosity of the listener.

"Is that why what, James?" Lily asked, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Is that why you were in the hospital on Friday?" he asked. She leaned forward, rubbed her hands over her eyes, then opened them and focused on James. How did he know about that? Never mind. Easy answer: Remus. He _had _been back at school.

"Yes," she said shortly, not willing to explain anything more about her injuries.

"And is that why you were breathing so hard after you chased me that night?"

"No," Lily replied sarcastically, "that was just because I'm out shape."

James cracked a half-smile. It faded quickly from his face and his hand travelled up to his hair, pausing just before it reach its destination and fell back to the table like a failed levitation charm. Then he looked her in the eye and said, "I'm sorry I just left you there. "

"You're what?" Lily exclaimed, pushing her seat away from the table.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, looking very uncomfortable as he dropped his gaze.

"No. No, you're not." Lily couldn't handle this right at this moment. Who did James think he was, apologizing? James Potter never apologized. Never. What was this? Oh. He was just playing another prank, trying to lull Lily into a false sense of security.

"Yes, I am," he said, sounding both sincere and like he desperately did not want to be explaining this. "A lot happened over the break. Sirius was mad and so we played a prank. Only, Sirius took it too far and it wasn't really a prank anymore, which I realized a bit late. And when you found me, I was trying to fix everything and I didn't even know that you were hurt."

"I just don't understand," Lily said, shaken and angry that his words were effecting her so much. "Why are you telling _me_ this?"

"Well-" He looked lost. Absolutely lost. It was as if even he did not know why he would bother with this apology. "Shouldn't I be apologizing?"

"Why would you?" Lilt asked. His blank look answered her question.

But then she started thinking about it. Why _would _he be apologizing unless someone told him to? And why would someone have told him-

He knew. Oh gosh. He knew.

He wouldn't be apologizing if he didn't know how she felt about him. Suddenly the pleasant feeling of liking him, which she'd enjoyed for a couple of days now, disappeared. Ran away. Tracy told Ian. That meant she figured it out and could have told James. Of course she told James. They were friends and she probably didn't see the harm in telling him. Oh frick. What if, like Matt had said, James and Tracy were actually more than friends? Lily had never believe that before, but it made sense. It made a lot of sickening sense. What if they dating and Tracy had convinced James to let Lily down easily?

Lily felt an overwhelming amount of shame at the thought. Closing her eyes, she tried to breathe normally. This couldn't be happening. And yet it was. James knew. He was apologizing and he never apologized. He had to know, and he was just trying to be nice to her, the sad little girl with a big crush. He knew and it made her ill. He was just being nice for Tracy and here Lily was, enjoying his company. Oh frick!

A quiet ding sounded. Lily blinked and looked down at her parchment where it said: _Lily. Your notes are in your Herbology book and your book is in the dorm. Sam. _What was she even talking about? Oh. That's right. The astronomy notes. Who cared about astronomy notes?

"James," Lily began, still looking at the parchment.

"Yes?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"Stop this. Stop sitting here every Wednesday. Stop pretending. I know you don't care. I know about you and Tracy." She looked up and the shock on his face confirmed everything she'd hypothesized. Every last bit of it. Oh frick.

"Who told you?" James asked.

"Ian hinted at it and Matt guessed. I put it together myself," Lily said, shaking her head and feeling like a fool.

"I didn't want you to find out," James said, shame evident in his voice. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it," Lily said, closing her books and putting them away with shaking hands. How could this be happening? "You don't need to sit here and make nice with me. You hurt me last year, but I'm sure that I hurt you too. You don't have to apologize to me anymore."

"Lily-"

"No," Lily interrupted, finishing packing up here things. "I don't need your company. I don't need your apologies. I don't need you to make me feel better about my feelings. I know you know, but don't let it bother you anymore. Forget how I feel and I'll do the same." _I'll forget you._

Lily picked up her bag and turned to leave the library with silent tears lying unshed in her eyes. Even as sadness and shame overran her, Lily felt guilt in the back of her mind. Why was she so upset by this? The Prewetts had _died_. She had nothing to complain about. Nothing. So she pushed those tears back and refused to let them fall. She pushed her ego and heart away, ignoring their bruises. She had nothing to complain about.

If a year ago, someone had told Lily that James Potter would discover her secret crush, she would have demanded to know how. She would have yelled a bit and then she would have promptly ignored James and that friend.

If someone had told James a year ago that Lily Evans would learn about his feelings (as he now believed she had) and look like she wanted to cry, he would have laughed and thought it impossible. Sure she didn't like him yet, he would have thought, but she would some day.

But instead of that yelling girl and that laughing boy, Lily Evans and James Potter were two broken halves of a heart that had yet to be put together. She walked and he sat with dark circles under eyes, shaking hands, and fatigue settling on shoulders and showing itself in slow movements. But more importantly, the difference between their fifth year selves and their sixth year personalities was that neither was thinking of themselves in that moment.


	13. The Very Long and confusing Conversation

**Chapter 15**

**The Very Long (Confusing) Conversation**

"You look sort of disgusted," Lily commented, dipping her chopsticks into her udon noodles and trying to find another piece of chicken.

"I'm fine," Gertrude Wrightman replied, lifting her own chopsticks out of the bowl with only a single noodle on them. Lily watched with barely hidden mirth as the noodle unravelled and fell back into the bowl.

"Have you ever used chopsticks before?" Lily asked.

"On occasion," the Slytherin prefect replied, tediously wrapping another noodle only to have it fall again as she tried to lift it to her mouth.

"Did you eat anything on that occasion?" Lily placed her chopsticks against the edge of her bowl and grabbed her wand. "_Accio _fork."

The utensil flew across the kitchens and Lily felt a brief stab of fear as she realized the speeding sharp object was headed right for her. Just as she was contemplating ducking, a house-elf blinked into existence in front of Lily and grabbed the fork out of the air, then turned and handed it to Lily.

"Thank you," Lily said, smiling before turning to face Gertrude and hand her the fork. Gertrude, for her part, looked rather steadily at Lily, but made no move to take the fork.

"You thanked the house-elf," commented Gertrude.

"He stopped a speeding fork from stabbing me in the eye," Lily returned, holding out said fork for Gertrude to take.

"No, thank you," said the Slytherin shaking her head at the utensil, and holding up her chopsticks as if to prove she didn't need them. But when one of the sticks fell out of her hand and into her bowl, Lily smiled.

"Come on, Gertrude," Lily cajoled, waving the fork in front of Gertrude, "take the fork. You know you want to eat."

"It's not customary to eat udon with a fork."

"But it is efficient," Lily said.

"Will you use one?"

"No. I really like chopsticks."

"Then I will use them too."

"That's stupid," Lily accused, pointing the fork at the blonde girl. "I can use chopsticks and you can't, why not just use the fork?"

"Eating with different utensils would never happen at a proper dinner," Gertrude answered.

"Good thing we're sitting here in the kitchens and not at a proper dinner, then," Lily countered. Gertrude, giving Lily that ever-present calculating look, leaned across the little wooden table they shared and took the proffered fork.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Lily replied, picking up her own chopsticks and scooping noodles into her mouth.

"Where did you learn to use chopsticks?" Gertrude asked, twirling noodles on her fork and taking a dainty bite.

"My dad loves Japanese food. I grew up on sushi and udon," Lily replied with a shrug.

"Sushi made in England?"

"Of course," Lily replied, taking a sip of her green tea and wincing when it burned her mouth. So she picked up her water and drank that to cool down her throat. "Where else would the sushi be made?"

"My father ordered sushi from a Japanese restaurant for dinner parties. The restaurant would Portkey over a sushi bar and chef," Gertrude explained, taking another bite of her food.

"That seems unnecessarily complicated," was Lily's only comment. Each time she had dinner with Gertrude, Lily learned more and more about the extravagant way the other girl lived. Not that Gertrude was blatant about it. Instead, she mentioned things like companies portkeying bars and people over for her father's parties in such a casual way that Lily honestly believed the girl thought nothing of it. Which, of course, made it much more ridiculous.

"So your father likes sushi too?" Lily asked.

"He likes serving it at parties," Gertrude corrected, and while Lily wasn't exactly sure why someone would want to serve something at a party that they didn't enjoy themselves, she accepted that Gertrude's family was a little off. Or maybe Lily was a little off. It hardly mattered.

"How're your patrols going?"

"They're going well, thank you," Gertrude said, nodding at Lily. "Though we caught a Slytherin last night."

"I hope you didn't take off too many points," Lily replied, smiling. Three weeks ago, before the sixth year prefects had received the extra patrols and before Lily and Gertrude made a point of eating dinner together twice a week for no more particular reason than that they had run into one another in the kitchens and enjoyed sharing a silent meal, Lily knew there was no way that Gertrude would have trusted her with this information.

"We gave him two detentions," Gertrude replied.

"What year?"

"Fourth." Lily shook her head. If there was one thing that Lily had learned about Gertrude Wrightman during these dinners, it was that the girl was fiercely proud- proud of her family, proud of her lifestyle, proud of her house. She considered a Slytherin student caught out of bed to be a disgrace and punished them much more harshly than she did other houses. Her prefect partner seemed to agree with her methods.

"Gertrude," Lily began a minute later, pushing her noodles in lazy circles in the bowl, "do you still think Gryffindor is splintered?"

"Pardon?" Gertrude replied, lifting her eyes from her soup to meet Lily's.

"Three weeks ago, after the Inquisition, you and I went on a walk and you called Gryffindor splintered."

"Yes?"

"Do you still think we're splintered?"

"Yes," Gertrude said, looking back down at her soup.

"I don't understand how," Lily said.

"Yes, you do." Gertrude picked up her fork and began to slowly eat. Lily, who found herself full and unable to eat anymore, was annoyed.

"No. I don't," protested Lily. "If I did, I wouldn't ask."

"Have you told Samantha about the Ball yet?" Gertrude asked, putting down her fork and picking up her Japanese-style stone tea cup with both hands.

"No," Lily said, letting her eyes drop to her soup. Surely the other girl wasn't implying that Lily was fracturing her house. She was protecting her friends. They didn't need to know about certain things.

"I met a woman once," Gertrude began, placing her cup back down on the table and pushing her plate away before folding her hands on the table, "who told me that you and I were tied together, our futures. I didn't believe her, though she was from an old family. At the time, I was disinclined to believe that we were in any way connected. But when I ran into you three weeks ago and found you to be exactly as I imagined, I thought we might have an mutually beneficial arrangement."

"What?" Lily asked. Gertrude's statement startled Lily into looking up at her and meeting her clear, almost see-through blue eyes as flashes of bright orange eyes and the image of a dog came to Lily.

"So I spoke with you about your house and made an agreement, because I believed you wouldn't tell anyone," Gertrude explained.

"Of course I wouldn't. I didn't," Lily readily assured her. It meant a lot to Lily to have that type of trust from Gertrude.

"There is no 'of course' about it," Gertrude countered. "Most people are not like you, Lily. Most people do not promise to keep secrets without thinking."

Lily almost wanted to protest and say of course most people were, but then she remembered spells flashing at her, she remembered Tracy telling Ian and James, she remembered Petunia reading her diary and reciting it to their parents at dinner.

"I know that," Lily said, "but I would hope you would know me well enough by now to know that with me, it is 'of course.' Of course I would never tell something you told me in confidence."

"It's not just that," Gertrude stated. "You'll keep every bit of this conversation a secret simply because you know I prefer that no one knows we meet."

"Well, yes, I will," Lily said. "But so what?"

"You have no idea how extraordinary that is to me," Gertrude said, "because you trust without thinking."

"Not anymore," Lily murmured, crossing her arms and leaning back.

"No. Not anymore," Gertrude acknowledged. "You don't even trust your own house anymore, not even your best friends to understand what you went through at the Ball."

"They can't understand," Lily protested, remembering the way that Sam didn't even want to speak Voldemort's name or laugh about Death Eaters. "They can't."

"Why?" Gertrude asked.

"They weren't there."

"Neither was I, yet you speak about it with me," Gertrude said. Well, okay, that was a valid point. Even Lily had to admit that. But did Gertrude really not see the differences in the situation?

"You aren't the same," Lily explained.

"Why not?"

"Because you-" Lily didn't know quite how to say it. She wanted to tell Gertrude that it during these meals Lily felt truly calm, like she didn't have to explain anything about the Ball. She never felt that way with Tracy or Sam. They always seemed to be pushing her.

"Because I'm what?" Gertrude pressed.

"You're not them," Lily offered, knowing as she said it that it was a weak thing to say. "You don't push me to talk about the Ball and so it's so much easier, because I know that you understand what happened without me having to explain it. They seem to want me to tell them some gruesome or heroic or tragic story. But it wasn't any of those things. It just was. And now it's over."

"It's not over. It's still happening."

"You don't think I know that?" Lily asked, incredulous. "I do. I know that other people are being attacked, that Voldemort is still out there hurting people, but I can't do anything about that right now, and so I am not going to become depressed and forget how to live. I'm not going to take it out on the Slytherins or stop laughing when one of my friends makes a joke. That would be letting him win."

"Mm-hm." Gertrude nodded.

"They don't understand that. Sam seems to be waiting for me to break down and Tracy can't even figure me out anymore." Lily shrugged. She hated explaining things. A lot.

"Why not just tell them?"

"Because they'd freak out."

"They're already worried about you all the time."

"Well. They ought to stop that. I didn't really go through anything-"

"You _would_ say that!" Gertrude exclaimed, smiling a disbelieving smile and shaking her head. "You honestly believe all of that, don't you?"

"Believe what?"

"That you didn't go through anything."

"I didn't and I seriously wish that people would quit thinking I did!" Thoughts of Cordelia Crouch and Dumbledore and Sam and all of those well-wishers popped into Lily's mind.

"And here people are thinking you're an example because you've ignored your pain and pretended to be fine, when really you honestly believe that there was no pain, no hurt," Gertrude said. Lily remembered her chest pain and laying in that hospital bed.

"There was pain, Gertrude," Lily said, "but I suffered nothing compared to others."

"Who? The Prewetts?"

"How do you know about that?"

"I know a lot about what happened at the Ball, Lily," Gertrude said in quiet tones. "Only important figures and guests with Muggle-born or a Half-blood dates or heritage came. When the Death Eaters showed up, most people ran blindly from the attackers, but there were reports from both Death Eaters and guests of one lone girl standing up to them, casting a shield- the brightest form of the shield as if to draw attention away from others.

"They say she stood like an Amazon, like a queen, like one who might never fall, with her red hair and glowing green eyes. And when the spell hit her she flew backwards and crushed a table with the force of her fall, but she only lost her grip on her wand when it cracked in two in her hand. They say she later gave up a Wizard's Debt from one of the most influential people in the world and no one understands why. But I do.

"You would never want someone in your debt, never want someone to owe you anything. You gave up any right you had to a fortune or power or a secure job in the Ministry because your sense of honour would not let you force someone to obey you."

Gertrude met Lily stare and did not blink.

"Be humble with others. I know the truth," Gertrude said, steel echoing in her words.

"You don't know the truth," snapped Lily, speaking before she could think about the words. "You don't know what it was like to stand there when men appeared out of nowhere and started trying to kill me. You don't know what it was like to wake up unable to speak or even cry because of the pain in my chest and the fire in my throat. You don't know what it was like to not know if my friends were alive and be unable to ask. You certainly don't know what it was like looking at the Prewetts during the Inquisition, knowing what happened to their parents, knowing that by living I only make their pain worse and serve as a reminder of what they lost.

"And you have no idea what it was like to have a woman give me credit for saving her life. I didn't mean to do it. I'm not a hero. I was lucky a lot. To claim that I'm strong, that I deserved to live, that I was a hero, what does that say about the Prewetts? It would imply that they were weak, that they deserved to die, that they weren't heroes. But they were! When I was shaking with fear, they spoke to Voldemort. I'm just a student and Mr. Prewett was an Auror. They had children. Don't say I am a hero. They are the heroes. If I could die half as well as them, with my back straight as I faced down Voldemort, I would be proud of my death."

Lily, to her shame, heard a popping sound just in time to see a house-elf appear with a box of tissues held in his shaking hand. Lily was shocked to find herself needing those tissues to wipe the streaks of tears from her cheeks. Gertrude, across from her, smiled a small smile.

"Do you believe you should have died?"

"No," Lily said. "I just don't believe _anyone_ should have died."

There was a pause, with Lily dapping her eyes and Gertrude looking on.

"Do you feel better now, having gotten all of that out?" Gertrude asked.

Lily leaned back in her seat and thinking about it for a moment, think about how she felt and how she would always feel about the Ball. It was something to move past. Something to remember but not to dwell on. She was not to blame, she knew that, but nor was she to move on without thought. The Ball _had _changed her.

"You know," Lily replied, "I think I do feel better." A sudden burst of laughter escaped her lips, followed by a stream of giggles and laughs, all chasing after one another and collapsing together inside a sound that might once have been a sob.

"You're very strange, Lily," Gertrude said, but she looked relieved almost, and Lily just felt light. She felt like she could just float away. She, though she hadn't realized it, had wanted to yell those words for a while. Actually having said them made everything seem a little bit brighter, even the odd orange and yellow tie-dye snuffbox. Now, at last, someone understood that she really wasn't a hero.

"Let's eat some fried ice cream," Lily offered, smiling.

"Yes. Let's," Gertrude said.

Together they sat at that little wooden table in the kitchens, under the Great Hall, and ate fried green tea ice cream. They sat as two friends, comfortable with silence, and finally comfortable with their thoughts. They sat, one with some of the weight (though certainly not all of it) lifted off her shoulders and the other sat, content, because of course she could trust this Gryffindor girl. For the first time in her life, Gertrude had a friend that looked out for her first, of course.

And for the first time in a long time, Lily felt neither irritated nor angry underneath her happiness. She was not angry that she would take a Transfiguration exam late or angry with body for aching occasionally. Instead, she was just happy and eating.

** – **

"Hey, Matt," Lily greeted as she walked down the stairs and into the entrance hall of the castle, surprised to find the head boy waiting for her instead of Remus.

"Hello, Lily," he replied, pushing himself away from the wall he had been leaning against.

"Why're you here?" she asked, coming closer.

"It's another full moon and I'm here to fill in for Remus who needed to visit his sick aunt," Matt replied.

"And I'm supposed to believe that means he's a werewolf?" Lily asked, crossing her arms and gently shaking her head.

"There seems to be some overwhelming evidence," Matt replied.

"Aw, shut it. You can't prove anything," Lily teased, smirking. Okay, maybe Remus _was_ a werewolf and maybe that was supposed to be scary, but all Lily felt at that moment was relief that Remus was not beside her. Three weeks and two more silent patrols had passed since Remus had signed them up for the additional patrols, and Lily was going to implode if she had to walk through another four-hour shift with a silent partner. Matt, at least, was talkative.

"I'm not trying to prove anything. I just want to know what's happening with him," Matt clarified, beginning to walk toward the stairs.

"Why do you care?" Lily asked, turning to walk beside him and match his pace.

"Don't you want to know if you go to school with a werewolf?"

"Not particularly," Lily replied. What did it matter? "And if he is one, which I still doubt simply because, well, look at him, would that change him in your mind?"

"It seems important," Matt responded, not exactly answering the question.

"Why?" Lily asked, opening a door and peering into the room with her _lumos _spell. "I hated people asking me about the Ball, and that didn't even affect me. Can you imagine how much werewolves must hate being asked about their transformations?"

"The fact that he might be a werewolf doesn't scare you?"

"Does it scare you?" Lily asked as Matt opened a door and checked it.

"I'm not sure yet," Matt replied. "I want to understand."

"I don't. If he's a werewolf and he's managed the seemingly impossible task of hiding that from the rest of the students for six years, why should we care?" Lily asked, twirling her wand in her fingers, letting the light flash across the walls and floor. "He obviously hasn't bitten anyone or done anything really evil, right? He just manages to bore me to death on patrols, and that doesn't seem too bad in comparison."

"The threat he poses to your friends doesn't worry you?" Matt asked, shaking his head as he emerged from the room.

"I don't think you properly understand Muggles, Matt. To me, magic and vampires and werewolves are still something from storybooks, where little girls with red hoods are the heroines. Vampires and werewolves aren't exactly real to me," Lily extrapolated.

"But Voldemort is," Matt declared. Lily stopped twirling her wand.

"Yes," Lily said. "But I don't want to talk about that." Silence passed over the pair, a terse silence that Lily knew she had to break if it was to be broken at all.

"I had a good time in Hogsmeade with you and Christine," Lily began.

"Me too," Matt replied. "Do you often do that?"

"What? Cut class and go into town?" Lily asked. Matt nodded. "Well, if you want to know and if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you in on a secret."

"I promise."

"I never skiv off a class," Lily whispered, leaning in, "unless I've already gone to that lesson at a different time and talked with the professor about it."

"You're secretly a Ravenclaw," Matt whispered back, and Lily laughed. But at the sound of her laughter, one of the suits of amour moved. Lily, signalling for Matt to stay where he was and say nothing, crept up to the suit of armour, putting out the light of her wand and badge as she did so.

Behind the suit, crouched down as small as he possibly could be, was a small, shaking student. Lily had been planning on finding a fifth or sixth year, someone she could scare and tease, instead she found this little boy who couldn't have been more than a second year, obviously terrified.

"Are you all right?" Lily whispered, causing the boy to jump back, knock into the suit of armour, which subsequently hit Lily in the nose.

"Owwww!" Lily exclaimed, grabbing her nose as she fell on her butt. Pain shot through her chest. Damn those Death Eaters. Then Matt was beside her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Lily muttered. _No! There was a sharp pain in my chest and my nose hurts. A lot._

"_Accio _Hufflepuff," Matt said, standing. Apparently the boy was trying to run away, but with that spell, he was pulled back to toward the head boy. Even hurting, Lily was struck by the imposing face that Matt presented. He was a little over six feet tall and the Hufflepuff couldn't have been more than four feet.

"I didn't mean to hurt her," the boy said in a rush, looking near tears. Lily got up, still rubbing her sore nose, and walked over to the pair. Matt was talking to the boy about what could have happened to him, wandering the castle alone at night.

"What were you doing out here?" Lily asked, trying to ignore the throbbing in her nose. The boy shrugged his shoulders.

"Were you pulling a prank on the Ravenclaws?" Matt asked. Lily looked at him. He caught her questioning gaze and explained, "The Ravenclaw common room is nearby."

"Yeah, I know," Lily murmured. She had visited the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff houses (though she admitted it had been a long time before and if asked, she could not remember the ways back), she just couldn't imagine this little boy in front of her ever wanting to prank someone. How Matt came to that conclusion was beyond her too.

Lily was about to comment when a statue of a wizard walked forward out of its niche in the wall. Lily let out a soft exclamation, and found herself pointing her wand in that direction, prepared for anything but what came out. In fact, if it had been an attacking army, a bloodhound, or a Death Eater, Lily would have probably felt less surprise than she did when she saw a tiny brunette girl peering up and down the hallway. That's right, Lily remembered, it was the Ravenclaw entrance: the wizard statue. How had she forgotten? The small girl froze when she saw the three of them and tried to retreat back, but Matt's voice stopped her.

"Come here right now, Camilla Andrews." If the girl's downcast eyes and slumped shoulders hadn't been enough of an indication of her feelings, her shuffling footsteps sounded like guilt and repentance.

"You snuck out to meet a girl?" Lily whispered in shock to the boy. He nodded his head. "You can't be more than twelve! What were you going to do?"

He shrugged and Lily shook her head in shock as she could do little more than hope they would have walked around holding hands and feeling very adventurous for being out after hours. They were _twelve_! At twelve she had only just begun giggling with her friends about how cute boys were.

"Why were you out after curfew?" Matt asked the girl, who had finally reached them.

"I was supposed to meet Colten," she replied, eyes still not looking at Matt. Instead they swept over to the boy, who was obviously Colten, and looked even more guilt-filled. "Sorry about being late."

"S'okay," he muttered.

"You're twelve," Lily repeated, looking at them each in turn.

"I'm thirteen," Colten said, still muttering. The boy needed to learn how to annunciate.

"Lily! Matt!" The head boy and the prefect spun around and found Remus Lupin jogging up to them. Lily quickly turned back around to face the second years.

"Hold on, one second," she ordered before muttering _lumos _and directing the light of her wand on her approaching prefect partner.

"Remus?" Lily asked.

"Hey. I tried to get the early train out to visit my aunt, but I missed it. So I'm leaving in the morning. Thought I'd relieve Matt," Remus explained. _Guess he's not a werewolf after all._

"You're catching a later train?" Matt asked, shock in his voice as he glanced out the window as if to make sure it was a full moon. Unfortunately, that window didn't have a clear view of the moon, but it hardly mattered. He knew the lunar cycle well enough.

"Yes," he replied, smiling - smiling a large, happy, excited smile. It looked utterly foreign on his face.

"You handle this and I'll take care of the little ones," Lily said to Matt before turning back to the children and seeing them now next to each other and holding hands. "Hey, you moved!"

The jumped apart and looked up at her with wide, scared eyes. Camilla's eyes darted to Matt and Lily watched the girl almost radiate her respect for him. Well, they were in the same house and Matt _was _head boy. It made sense that the girl would not want to have him think little of her.

"Do you two understand why it is not okay to be out after hours?" Lily asked. The two nodded their heads. "Then why'd you risk it?"

They didn't say anything, just glanced at each other, then at Lily, and then at Matt's back again. They didn't say a word. Lily sighed.

"What year are you in?"

"Second," they said together.

"All right. For being out after hours, I take triple your year. That means I'm taking six points from both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, but I won't mention this to any professors and there won't be any detentions," Lily explained. They both looked visibly relieved.

"Thank you," Camilla said.

"Don't forget, if I catch you again, I add your year to those six points. Do you understand what that means?" Lily asked.

"It means you'll take eight points the next time, ten the next, twelve the next," Colten replied.

"Is there a maximum?" Camilla asked.

"A maximum?" Lily repeated, incredulous. "You're twelve! How many times do you plan on sneaking around after hours? Sleep. Grow. Study. In your common rooms."

"So there is no maximum?" Colten asked. Lily just started laughing.

"I leave here in a little over a year. You think you can hold off on the sneaking until after then?" Lily asked. By the look of them, no they couldn't. Lily sighed. "All right, we're walking you back to your common rooms. Say goodnight."

Lily turned around expecting to find the boys looking at her, knowing what was going on. Instead, she found an empty corridor. Looking left and right, shining her wand around, she could not help but stare in disbelief.

"They went left," said Camilla from behind her. Lily turned around and stared at her.

"I don't even have any words. What were they thinking?" Lily asked rhetorically. She shook her head to herself before collecting her thoughts. "I guess I'll be taking you back to your common room, then. Camilla, you first."

The young girl kissed Colten on the cheek and then ran back to the wizard's statue, presumably said the password, and disappeared inside the wall. Lily turned to Colten and smirked when she caught his stunned look.

"Come on, Romeo, let's take you to bed," Lily suggested, gently pushing him forward. "I'm hoping you know the way back to your common room. I certainly don't."

He nodded, and the oddly matched pair walked down the corridor, taking two rights and three sets of staircases.

"We seem to be nearing the Hospital Wing," Lily commented, stepping off the last stair delicately. She'd had to climb the stairs slowly because she remembered how much laboured breathing hurt her chest. Yes, her injury was a little over three weeks old and the pain had significantly lessened in that period of time, but she didn't want to risk it.

"Mm-hmm," he replied. Lily glanced at the boy out of the corner of her eye.

"You know," she said lightly, "you look entirely too happy for a boy who was just caught by a prefect."

"Camilla Andrews _kissed _me." Lily's smile grew. How adorable. Plus, that meant they weren't sneaking out for a snog. They were just cute twelve - no, thirteen - year olds out for a stroll. Aww.

"Does that mean you're dating?" she asked, trying to remember her second year and whether or not people dated back then. She seemed to remember a lot of hand holding, but nothing more. It felt like so long ago. She couldn't believe she was almost a seventh year.

"I dunno," he replied, still smiling. When Lily was a first and second year, she couldn't imagine being a seventh year. They were so _old_, so cool, so everything that she could ever want to be. Was that what she looked like to this boy?

"She's cute," Lily offered. The boy looked at her with horror. Okay. Maybe he didn't idolize Lily or her opinions.

"She's Camilla Andrews. The most popular girl in our year," he said. It was the most she'd heard out of him all night.

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't know," Lily replied. He looked mildly offended and as if he was about to respond with the sudden appearance of Argus Filch made them both jump.

"Ah!" exclaimed Lily, clutching her heart.

"What do we have here?" hissed the ugly, ugly man. "Two students out after hours?"

It took Lily a moment to realize her badge wasn't lit. She quickly touched her wand to it.

"I'm escorting this student back to his dorm," Lily explained, indicating Colten with a jerk of his head.

"You're on shift?" Filched asked, narrowing his eyes at her badge as though suspicious.

"Yes, sir," Lily replied, leaning forward and saying, "He'll be receiving a few minor curses before the end of the night, I assure you."

"Good. Good," Filch said, nodding in approval. Then he stepped to the left and Lily saw the person standing behind him: Will McGrath.

"I see you caught another unappreciative first year, sir," Lily said, eyes wide. Will looked almost ill.

"Yes. Yes. He was talking to Peeves." Lily's eyes locked with Filch.

"If you want, sir, I could take care of him as well," she offered, hoping he would accept. Otherwise Will was in for a detention and probably a large amount of lost points. Lily sincerely hoped that wouldn't be the case. She genuinely liked the boy, and no one deserved to clean the trophy room sans magic just for sneaking out at night.

"What's your name, prefect?"

"Lily Evans, sir."

"Evans, eh?" He narrowed his eyes and sniffed the air. "I've heard things about your punishments. The boy with the boils, especially."

"It was his second offence," Lily said.

"You'd make sure this one was properly punished too?" Filch asked. Lily knew that the caretaker would never have trusted a prefect with this responsibility. Fortunately, she had taken some students off his hands before and made sure they complained about their punishments where Filch could hear them.

"Yes, sir," Lily replied, nodding.

"You'll be sure he never breaks the rules again."

"He will understand."

"All right. There are a pair of fifth years in the astronomy tower that I want to catch." And pushing Will a little harder than he had to, Filch left in a flurry, disappearing behind a wall that Lily hadn't known could move. In his wake stood the pale faces Will and Colten.

"Why'd you have to get caught by that bugger?" Lily asked Will, gently putting her hand on his back, indicating that he ought to walk with them.

"I didn't _mean _to," Will complained. Lily looked at him, smiling, then at Colten. Both still looked pale.

"You okay, Colten?" asked Lily. He nodded his head, but looked no better. In fact, he looked terrified. "Are you sure?"

He nodded again. Silence enveloped the pair until Will finally broke it.

"Are you going to curse me?" he asked. Lily looked shocked, then laughed aloud.

"Of course not!"

"But you told Mr. Filch-" protested Coten.

"Mr. Filch is a mean, unfair man that would have put Will in detention for years. The fact that he gave him over to me because I told him I would beat him only proves that he is ridiculously angry," Lily replied. Both boys visibly relaxed.

"You lied?" Will asked. Of course the boy had to notice that little detail, didn't he?

"It's not something that I'm proud of. Nor do I condone it," Lily replied. "But how many points did he take off?"

"None. He said he wanted to put me in detention," Will replied. Lily nodded, doing some quick calculations.

"I think this is your fifth time caught out after hours, so that's seven points off Ravenclaw," Lily announced.

"Seven?" both boys exclaimed.

"Yes. Three for the triple-the-year first offence. Add four points for the subsequent offences. Seven."

"That's unfair," they both said.

"What are you, one mind two bodies?" Lily asked.

"If I'm caught out again, I'll lose eight points. This is his fifth offence and he only loses seven!" Colten said.

"I leave room for learning. Just be glad you aren't a seventh year," Lily replied.

"That's not right."

"Do you really think that a first year and a second year out after hours ought to be punished the same way?" Lily asked. "I personally think the second year ought to know better, as he's had a year to learn, just as a third year ought to know better than a second year and so on and so forth. Every year you are more aware, and the lesser points were like warnings. As you grow up you know the risk increases and so it is up to you to decide if it's worth it."

"The other prefects only take off five points each time!" Will said.

"That's stupid. You are much more aware of breaking the rule the second time than the first," Lily replied. Colten stopped moving. She looked at him questioningly.

"This is the entrance," he explained, indicating a large tapestry.

"Oh," Lily replied, a little shocked. She had completely forgotten.

As she started to remember, she considered the tapestry and couldn't help but wonder if all the entrances were different. The Ravenclaws had a statue, Hufflepuff had a tapestry. Gryffindor had a portrait. What did the Slytherins have?

"We'll be at the end of the hall, so we won't hear your password," Lily told Colten, "but I want to see you enter that common room and not come back out. If you're caught again tonight it'll be eight points."

"I know," he replied.

"And don't forget to complain about your beatings in front of Filch," Lily said, winking. The boy smiled at her. Lily nodded, placed a hand on Will shoulder and led the boy back in the direction they came from. Together they watched Colten walk into his common room and then they turned to head back to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Is this the unofficial younger-year-break-out-and-get-caught night?" Lily asked the first year.

"No," Will said, kicking the floor and shoving his hands in his pockets. "I was trying to convince Peeves to show me the way to the Slytherin dorms when he started yelling for Filch. He ratted me out."

"You made some very novice mistakes in your expedition," Lily said. "First, you approached Peeves. Second, you talked to him and expected an answer. Third, you didn't run away when he called for Filch. Four, you were caught."

"Why should I have run?"

"Because, little first year, the only thing Peeves likes more than getting students into trouble, is causing trouble for Filch. If you'd run, Peeves would never have helped Filch find you."

"Oh," said Will. Lily wrapped her arm around his shoulders.

"You have so much yet to learn."

"I have six more years to perfect everything."

"Six?" Lily asked. "Why don't you take a break next year and let me have a little calm."

"Take a year off?" Will exclaimed, stepping away from her with horror. "I'd fall so far behind that I couldn't catch back up."

"You sound like you're talking about school-"

"Lily!"

Lily and Will jumped. Without thinking about it, Lily pushed Will behind her and once more, Lily found her wand held in the defensive position. Until, of course, the pair managed to recognize Remus as the approaching figure.

"Hello," Lily greeted him, her wand lowering, though not all the way.

"Hey. Sorry. Matt wanted to talk, but when I returned you were gone. I figured you'd walked the Hufflepuff back to his dorm."

"Yes," she replied. "How do you know where the Hufflepuff dorm is?"

"I explore," he said, shrugging. His eyes locked on Will and he grinned. "I see you picked up another younger year."

"Well, you know, I'm addicted. I need one every few minutes," Lily quipped, glancing at Will.

"Where are you going?"

"She's going to curse me," Will replied happily.

"Or flog him, whichever he'll enjoy least," Lily added, smirking at Remus's confused look.

"Yes," Will agreed. "Or flogged.

"You should try looking sadder when saying that," Lily said, placing a hand on Will's back again and starting to walk toward his common room.

"Should I cry too?"

"I think that might be a bit over the top," Lily responded. Catching Remus's still-confused looked, she explained, "I found him with Filch."

"And?" Remus asked. Lily looked at him with confusion.

"And I told him the usual," Lily said, "that we'd beat him to within an inch of his life."

"Why?"

"So that we could take him off Filch's hands and treat him fairly," Lily said condescendingly. "Honestly, Remus, are you all right? How often have we done this before?"

"Oh- um- enough," Remus stuttered.

"I thought she was serious," Will piped up, distracting Lily from the confused Remus. At least he was stuttering, a vaguely recognizable action. Lily smiled at Will as Remus fell into step next to them.

"Were you punished at all?" Remus asked.

"I lost eight points," Will replied, pouting at the floor. Lily laughed.

"You should be glad it wasn't Matt that caught you," Lily said. Will's face paled again. "I was patrolling with him earlier."

"He'd have been so disappointed," Will said. Lily looked at him, shocked. That certainly wasn't the response she'd been expecting.

"You're Will McGrath?" Remus asked. Will nodded. "I know your sister. I'm Remus."

"Remus Lupin?" The boy's tone was almost reverential, all thoughts of his older brother's disappointment gone.

"Yes."

"You know James Potter, don't you?" Now the boy's tone was definitely reverential.

"Yes, I do." Remus could barely hide his amusement.

"He's a great chaser. And, I heard he organized the Halloween thing." Will's eyes were wide, like he was meeting a celebrity. Lily smiled. He was so adorable.

"He's done more than that," Lily answered, knowing Remus wouldn't. "Once, in our fourth year, he made over two hundred posters saying 'Marry me, Sirius' and posted them on every door and entry between the Gryffindor common room to the Great Hall, and in the Great Hall he and Remus here and a boy named Peter Pettigrew hung a banner all the way across the hall that said, 'Will you marry me, Sirius Black?'"

"All the way across?" asked Will is a quiet, amazed voice. Lily smiled and nodded. "It must have been _huge_!"

"It was," Lily said, "and they'd put charms on it so that no one but one of them could remove it, though I'm sure the professors could have done it if they'd wanted to. I think the faculty was secretly glad to see Sirius so embarrassed. It was like retribution for the way he acted in class."

"Why was he embarrassed?"

"That's the best part. Everyone pretended not to know who put up the signs, though we all knew it was his friends. All day, people were patting him on the back, congratulating him on the engagement, asking who the girl was."

"Did everyone laugh?" Will asked.

"For days," Lily said. Will laughed and Lily joined in. She glanced at Remus and saw him looking strangely at her, not laughing along.

"That's so funny," Will said, looking up at Remus then at Lily.

"And the next day Dumbledore sent him a congratulatory note, but politely asked for the banner to be brought down," Lily said. Will cracked up. "And his mother sent him a howler, screaming about how he'd disgraced the family and had probably just gotten the girl pregnant and needed to marry her. Everyone knew it was a prank, but his mother didn't. His face was so red at the end of that Howler. It was hilarious."

"Did you really do that?" Will asked Remus. Remus nodded.

"Sirius wasn't too happy about it. We'd done it on his birthday," Remus explained. Lily laughed at that.

"What a great gift!"

"As you can imagine, he got us back just as well," Remus said.

"What did he do?" Will asked. Lily saw the statue that marked the entrance to the Ravenclaw dorms and slowed her pace. The two boys did likewise.

"Maybe the next time you're caught out after hours, I'll tell you," Remus replied, winking.

"It'll cost the Ravenclaw house nine points," Lily said, "but it's your choice."

"I'll ask you during the day," Will decided.

"You're learning!" Lily exclaimed, mock-surprised.

"I'm learning to only sneak out when other prefects are patrolling. Ones that take five points each time," he protested.

"And?" Lily prompted.

"And when Filch isn't out."

"Or?"

"Or I could wait until you leave in a year and then reek havoc on the next set of prefects," Will finished.

"Exactly!" Lily gave Will a high five and then told him to head back to bed. The boy smiled, nodded at Remus, and then did as he was told and walked toward the statue. He'd been caught out of bed so often by Lily that he knew how to respond to her questions. He was lucky he was only a first year. A seventh year in his position would have lost forty-nine points for the fifth offence. Then again, a seventh year wouldn't have been caught.

"You know," Lily said, watching the stature move back into place and block the entrance, "I really like that kid."

"Yeah. He's a good kid." Lily looked at Remus, took him in, noticed the critical way he was looking at her, and she smiled.

"So what happened with the train?" Lily asked.

"Hm?" Remus replied, obviously back in his non-speaking mode.

"How did you miss the train to visit your aunt?" Lily pressed, her good mood keeping her from despairing at his reaction.

"I just missed it. I'll leave tomorrow."

"Guess that means you're not a werewolf," Lily quipped, walking down the corridor. He stumbled when he heard her last words and gave her a strange look.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"You've been talking to Matt," he accused.

"Matt's been talking to me," Lily corrected. Then she waved a hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "But that's not important. What is important is for you and I to have a serious discussion about these patrols."

"Talking about patrols is more important than discussing the fact that the head boy thinks I'm a monster?" Remus asked. Lily stopped and opened the door nearest to her, peering inside for a moment.

"He never thought you were a monster," Lily commented, shutting the door.

"He thought I was a werewolf, he just told me. Apologized, shook my hand and everything," Remus related. Lily looked at him with wide eyes.

"Really? That's great."

"He thought I was a monster and you think that's _great_?"

"Again with this monster business," Lily said, waiting for Remus to open the door to his left and check it. Instead, he stood and stared at her so she walked around him and checked the room herself. "He said werewolf, not monster."

"Is there a difference anymore?"

"Yes. Otherwise there wouldn't be two words." The room was clear. She shut the door and continued walking.

"So you didn't agree with him?"

"About you being a werewolf?" Lily asked. Remus nodded. "For a short while tonight, I almost bought the story, but then you showed up and proved us wrong, so don't worry about it."

"Right," he muttered. Lily walked past the next few corridors without bothering to look in any of the rooms. If there were any students in them, they probably heard the sounds of conversation and hid anyway. That seemed enough punishment for the moment.

"Now, back to the more important matter: patrols," Lily said, turning to face him as they walked. She had to shuffle sideways to keep up.

"What about them?" Remus asked.

"They're dreadfully boring," Lily said, turning to face straight again, "but I think I have a solution. As you have repeatedly turned down my offers to snog and be caught, which would have eliminated any future patrols and any danger of becoming one of McGonagall's favourite students, I had to think of other ways to occupy the long, boring hours."

"You've been thinking about this for a while, haven't you?" Remus asked.

"Well, you never speak during these things, so I have a good four hours to contemplate how to improve the situation every week," Lily commented, only just realizing how insulting that must have sounded when she saw the way his face dropped. She stopped walking and said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that how it sounded."

"Yes you did," he countered, stopping too.

"Well, I meant the bit about you not talking, but I didn't want to make it sound like it's your fault," Lily said.

"But it was my fault."

"No. It- Well- That doesn't matter. I've thought of a solution," Lily finished, beginning to walk and unwilling to hurt him with her words again.

"It seems to be working; I'm talking now," Remus replied, walking too.

"No. We haven't implemented it," Lily protested.

"But I'm talking."

"Well," Lily said _You might stop at any moment._

"You think I'll stop, don't you?"

"Just a little," Lily confessed, turning them up a staircase on their left and grabbing the handrail to help her take the stairs more easily (ie. With less pain).

"All right, then. What's you idea?" Remus asked, holding the other railing as the staircase detached itself and swung to the left.

"Truth or dare," Lily answered, glad that the jerking motion of the stairs hadn't caused her more than a small pain in her chest.

"Truth or dare?" he repeated, sceptical.

"Yes, truth or dare," Lily responded. The staircase stopped moving and the pair walked up it and into the new corridor. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Nope," he said, putting his hands into the pockets of his robes.

"Well," Lily began, deciding to change the rules a tad, she explained, "You and I ask each other questions in turns, promising to reply honestly. If you don't want to reply, you have to do a dare - something the other person asks you to do which is neither dangerous nor will result in expulsion."

"Where's the fun in a game that can't lead to expulsion?" Remus asked, joking. Lily smiled and looked at him out of the corner of her eyes.

"Oh. This'll be fun. Trust me." He turned and looked at her smiling face, quirking an eyebrow, then shaking his head as if he couldn't quite believe the way she was acting.

"When do we start?" he asked, turning back to face the corridor.

"How about now?"

"Now is good," he replied. "You want to ask first?"

"Sure." Lily thought a moment, searching for an opening question that wouldn't scare him off but would invite conversation. Sure he seemed talkative so far, but with Remus, it took moments to bring him from talkative to silent.

"Can't think of a question?"

"No. I can. Hold on," Lily said. "Okay, how about this: what is the most number of points you have personally lost in a single night?"

"Hmmm." That critical eye was looking at her again, asking her the question that he dared not voice: are you trustworthy? Coming to whatever conclusion he did, he said, "Dare."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't really want to answer that question. I would rather take the physical challenge."

"Oh. Okay," Lily said, beginning to run think of dares. Then she stopped herself. "No. Wait. It is not okay. The whole point of this thing is to open a dialogue. You taking the dare for every question would undermine that. You only pick dare if you really don't want to answer."

"Fine," Remus said. "I once lost seventy-two points in an hour."

"What? How?" Lily exclaimed.

"I don't think so. I don't have to answer those," Remus said, shaking his head. "You're only allowed to ask one question. It's my turn now."

"You're right. Sorry," Lily said, annoyed that he had understood the rules so completely.

"Hmmm. Oh. Okay. Have you ever liked a Marauder?"

"A marauder?" Lily asked, confused. Was Remus asking if she had ever liked an intruder, a looter? What an odd, odd question.

"A Marauder," repeated Remus. Seeing her blank look, he looked surprised and said, "Sirius, James, Peter, and me."

"Oh," Lily replied, shocked. No entry questions for Remus, apparently. He just jumped right to the meat of the matter, asking about crushes.

"Have you?" he asked, a hint of hope in his voice that Lily was sure she was misinterpreting; Remus didn't like her.

"Um. Yes, I have," Lily answered, thinking of James and feeling that now-familiar pang of embarrassment and shame wash over her as she thought about it. She considered telling Remus the truth: _I've been obsessed with one of those boys for _years _now. I'm really pathetic. Especially considering the fact that he is now dating one of my best friends._ "You named yourselves?"

"What?" Remus asked. Not that Lily had spoken with Tracy about the situation.

"The Marauders. I'm assuming that that is what you call yourselves," Lily explained. In fact, Lily had completely avoided any mention of James with Tracy at all, changing the subject when she tried to talk about him, saying they didn't need to talk about it. That Lily understood.

"Oh," Remus said. "Sure. We named ourselves back in second year." And Tracy did keep trying to apologize to Lily, of all things.

"Why?" Lily asked automatically. Tracy could have just let it all go, could have admitted to dating James, told the whole school, but instead they continued to keep it quiet.

"Why what?" Sam had also tried to bring it up, but Lily explained that it wasn't something she wanted to talk about, not with anyone.

"Why in the world would you create a name for yourselves?" Lily asked, pulling her mind away from the circular thoughts in her mind and focusing on Remus.

"I don't know." Remus looked embarrassed and Lily felt badly.

"Sorry," Lily said quickly, catching his eye and smiling. "I didn't mean to sound hostile. I was just wondering."

"It's okay," he said, looking shocked. In fact, Lily noticed that Remus's emotions, when he was actually speaking with her, were prominently displayed on his face. "I understand."

"Oh. Good. Just didn't want you to think-" Lily stopped herself. "Never mind."

"All right," Remus said, then his smile grew and he asked, "Which one did you like, then?"

"I don't think so. Only one question, per turn." Lily smirked, grinned, and congratulated herself on her snappy comeback.

"It's my turn," Remus countered. "You asked, 'You named yourselves?'"

"And you answered with a question," Lily recalled.

"Then you asked, 'Why?', and I said, 'Why what?", and you asked why we named ourselves. Ha! Yours was the last question." Okay. So obviously he'd been paying more attention to the conversation than Lily.

"That was not a question," Lily retorted.

"It _was_ a question."

"A clarifying question."

"But still a question. I don't remember the rules stating anything about qualifying the type of question."

"That's a loophole argument."

"That is brilliance."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Answer my question. Who, which of the four?" Remus pressed, smirking.

"Dare," Lily replied, crossing her arms and glaring. She'd kept this information from two of her best friends, did he really think she was about to tell him now? He was, after all, practically a stranger.

"Picking dare for every question would undermine the purpose of it," Remus said, repeating Lily's own words back at her as his smirk grew into a full smile.

"I'm not answering that. It's a trick question. If I say you, then you'll get one idea, and if I don't say you, your feelings will be hurt. It's a lose-lose answer for me. This one gets a dare."

"I think that's-"

"I'm taking the dare," Lily said, her tone left no room for argument. Even now that James knew, Lily had no desire to have the rest of the world know. At least James had had the grace not to come to the Wednesday night study sessions. Though, that didn't help the awkward class situations.

"No. No. I'll change my question, if that's okay with you," Remus offered, carefully not phrasing the comment as a question.

"That'd be all right," Lily replied, "but how about we start smaller, with get-to-know-you questions."

"I could do that," he said, nodding and putting his hands in his pocket as he obviously thought of a question to ask. He thought for a really long while. Just when Lily had thought he'd gone silent again, he asked, "What is your favourite ice cream flavour?"

"Oh," Lily exclaimed, excitement lighting up her face, "Every Muggle flavour, basically, but the general ones are the best: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. With chocolate sauce."

"Sounds good."

"It is," Lily said. She always imagined James would like ice cream- oh. Bad thought. Evil thought. Must expel and ignore and strike that thought from the record. "You should ask the house-elves for some the next time you're in the kitchens."

"That's right," Remus said, snapping his fingers as she opened another door. "You go to the kitchens too."

"Yep, and apparently I can get there faster than you," Lily teased, glancing around the room. "Have you used that passage yet?"

"No. I can't figure out how to open the wall at the end yet," he confessed. Lily laughed as she shut the door.

"That's why you need friends like mine," Lily said. "Tracy and Christine practically lived down there when we first found it. Tracy would try everything that Christine suggested and then modify some of it."

"Tracy wouldn't tell us how to open it," Remus muttered sourly. Lily smiled.

"Of course not! She spent _weeks _trying to figure it out. We were in second year, unable to even use the _revealio _charm."

"Then how did you know the wall could open?"

"We didn't," Lily said, shrugging, "but Christine refused to give up. She was convinced that a wall at the bottom of a staircase inside a wall couldn't be nothing. As usual, she was right, though not the way she had expected. She thought we'd find a room of gold."

"Instead, you found the kitchens."

"Exactly." Lily grinned at the memory. "She was so disappointed."

"I can imagine."

"So, my question now," Lily said. "Are you an only child?"

"Your rule is that we aren't allowed to ask big questions yet," Remus began, looking vaguely uncomfortable, "can my rule be that we can't ask about family or homes?"

"Of course," Lily replied immediately. Then she felt immensely stupid. Of course Remus wouldn't want to talk about his family! They were obviously a sickly group, struggling with various diseases. Oh, Lily felt stupid. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize," Remus said, smiling. "Ask a different question."

"All right," Lily said, thinking. "If you were to celebrate Halloween the Muggle way, what would you dress up as?"

"A pumpkin," he replied, smirking. Lily's eyes went wide and then narrowed. He was remembering her costume, obviously.

"Ha. Ha."

"I thought it was funny."

"You thought wrong."

And so, for the first time in two years full of patrols, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin chatted the night away. They spent the time checking doors for students, asking basic questions about the other person's background, learning basic information that they had somehow managed to avoid learning in the past five years. They walked under a full moon and blinking stars. They walked as three friends raced through the Forbidden Forrest, chasing each other. Lily and Remus walked and patrolled and learned with the ease of a friendship that hadn't existed before.

Occasionally Lily would look over at him and catch his eye, and the pair would laugh for a moment before asking each other another basic question ("What was your favourite Christmas gift this year?"). Walking into her dorm that night, Lily had a smile on her face as she was looking forward (for the first time in her life) to her next patrol.

** – **

"You look happy," Sam commented as soon as Lily walked into their dorm.

"Don't you ever sleep?" Lily replied, quickly marching over to her friend's bed and sitting on it, whispering to ensure that the other girls didn't wake up.

"No. I charge. Just plug me in a go." Sam smiled.

"You're secretly a Muggle. I knew it."

"Yep. I've been hiding it for years," Sam replied sarcastically.

"Not that well, obviously, since I caught on rather quickly," Lily scoffed.

"Sure. Just took you six years, but whatever."

"Is six years really that long a time? You're a good hider."

"Speaking of hiding things," Sam began. "When are you going to talk to Tracy?"

"That was _not _a smooth transition, Sam," Lily replied, deliberately ignoring the question.

"Well, when?"

"Why do you think I'm avoiding Tracy?"

"All right," Sam conceded, "you aren't exactly ignoring her, but you aren't going out of your way to talk to her either. For three weeks you've been this way, talking but not being friendly."

"Is there a difference?"

"You know there is."

"I don't want to talk about it," Lily said, catching Sam's intense gaze and matching it with one of her one.

"You sure?" Sam asked. _Yes_, Lily wanted to scream. Even if Lily _did _want to talk about it (which she did not), she was naturally an intensely private person.

"James and Tracy are dating," Lily said.

"What?"

"Shhh!" Lily silenced her friend, glancing around their dorm to make sure that Christine and Tracy hadn't heard. "I know, but you can't tell anyone. It's a secret."

"Then how did you find out?"

"James told me."

"James _told _you?" Sam repeated.

"Okay. He didn't tell me, but I guessed and his face gave him away," Lily explained.

"When?"

"A few weeks ago, during my astronomy study time."

"Why was he there?"

"He made a habit of coming to the library during that time too," Lily said.

"And you spoke to one another?"

"Not exactly."

"I'm confused."

"That's okay. All you have to know is that Tracy and James are going out and they don't want anyone to know. Oh. And that Tracy told James that I liked him."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I think she wanted to make sure I wasn't hurt by them dating."

"How did she know you liked him?"

"I don't know. She just did."

"And that's why you're not talking to her?"

"No. I just- I'm not trying to avoid her. I just feel so embarrassed," Lily explained, leaning back onto her friend's pillows.

"Why?"

"I don't know. He was just coming to study there because Tracy wanted to make sure I didn't feel badly about the two of them being together, and that whole time I thought he might just have been there because, maybe, he wanted to be around me," Lily said, closing her eyes as the entirety of her shame consumed her. "Which is such a stupid thought, because of course he didn't want to be around me. He thinks I'm a Muggle and left me for dead in a corridor-"

"What?" Sam asked. "Lily, you need to start explaining."

And so Lily sat up and explained. She told about her encounter with James on the train, how he said she wasn't really a part of the magical world, then about how he'd been the one she was chasing and the way he'd left her alone in the corridor.

"And that's how I finally realized he was together with Tracy," Lily concluded. "He apologized about that."

"He apologized to you?" Sam repeated. "And that was how you knew he was dating Tracy?"

"Yes," Lily said. "And he hasn't come back to the library since then, so I guess Tracy said he doesn't have to, and she just keeps trying to apologize to me about the whole mess, but I don't-"

"Tracy's trying to apologize?"

"Yes, about the whole dating thing. She should have just told me when she realized I liked him. That would have made this less embarrassing."

"I think you're wrong about this whole situation."

"Sure. That's why James can't even stand to look at me in class anymore," Lily replied sarcastically.

"No. Listen. We ought to talk to-"

"No one. Absolutely no one about this. Instead, I will talk with you about my fabulous patrol with Remus. He spoke the whole time, brought a pouch of juice for each of us too - one for me with raspberry juice and an apple one from himself, which I didn't even want to smell since I hate the smell of apples so much-"

"Lily. Stop."

"No," Lily said petulantly.

"You really ought to-"

"Go to bed. I agree. Good night, Sam," Lily finished, standing up and running across to her bed. As she changed out of her clothes and into her pyjamas, she had no way to know that Sam had crept over to Tracy's bed and found the beater wide awake. Lily had no way to know that the other girl had heard every bit of their conversation and had to literally physically restrain herself to keep from calling out in horror.

As Lily pulled her curtains shut around her four-poster, Lily could not have known that Tracy and Sam sat in a sound-proofed bed talking about her, exchanging over a year's worth of secrets and schemes. When Lily closed her eyes and let sleep overcome her, she did not realize that Sam was having a year's worth of suspicions confirmed and that Tracy's assumptions about Lily were falling apart.


	14. What Leadership Ability?

**Chapter 16**

**What Leadership Ability?**

"Hey, Lily, why the wide eyes?" Tracy asked, sitting down at the breakfast table after Lily had already opened an owl from her mother and placed the letter from Ian in her pocket.

"Petunia's getting married," Lily replied, unable to drag her eyes away from her mother's shocking words.

"I didn't know she was dating anyone," Tracy replied, grabbing an apple and taking a bite.

"Neither did I," Lily said, her stomach twisting uncomfortably. How could she not have known her sister was dating someone? That her sister was in love?

"What's his name?" Sam asked.

"Vernon," Lily replied dully, searching the document for the name. Shame and heartache and regret circled in her stomach. Last Lily had heard (or cared, to tell the truth) Petunia was interested in some bloke from the Uni. That had been in August.

"What's his last name?" Christine asked. "That's the important one, since she'll have it soon too."

"Oh," Lily muttered, scanning the letter again, "I guess she will."

How had she and Petunia fallen so out of touch? Whose fault was it? Petunia and Lily, though they did not get along (for which Lily adamantly blamed Petunia), had never been estranged. They annoyed each other, snapped at each other, but they were still sisters. Petunia still asked about Christian and remembered their anniversary. Petunia still wrote monthly letters.

"Well?" Christine pressed. Only then did Lily realize she hadn't replied.

"Dursley. His name is Vernon Dursley," Lily read. When was the last time she'd written her sister? Not since the Ball, Lily knew that much. Petunia had written to ask how she was, but irritated, Lily had thrown the letter away. Now she wished she'd made an effort, even if her sister could drive her insane.

"Not that great of a name," Christine determined. Lily looked over at her and smiled at Christine's honest face, pulling herself out of the upset mood she had been in.

"It's original," Lily said. "Petunia likes original."

And, finishing the conversation and her meal, Lily left her friends and went up to the owlery to write a letter to Petunia, but found herself unable to properly convey her feelings. She didn't know how to translate the feeling of _lacking _from her heart to the parchment. How was she supposed to tell her sister (whom she'd never gotten on with) that she missed her? Or, at least, missed knowing her. Even if Lily hated Petunia (and Petunia definitely hated Lily), they had always _known _each other, hadn't they?

_Petunia,_

_How are you? It's been a while. I hear you're engaged. Congratulations. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your letter in January. It was kind of hectic. This dark wizard named Voldemort and his minions attacked the Ball I went to. I know. I know. Who honestly has minions, right? Well, this bloke does. Anyway, I was hurt. You probably know that._

_What you don't know is that he scared me, Petunia. He terrified me. I could have died. And as I was thinking about this, I realized that I'd made far too many mistakes for me to die, starting with the fact that you and I hardly speak. I'm sorry for goading you, pushing you, irritating you. You're my big sister and you have always tried to protect me. You were the one whose room I used to go into when I had a nightmare. And my life is kind of turning into a nightmare and it's making me realize how much I could use a big sister's advise. I miss you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. _

_Love,_

_Lily_

** – **

"Lily Evans?" asked a voice behind Lily at dinner later that Sunday. Turning, the seventeen year old found herself facing a very stout professor.

"Yes, that's me," Lily said, standing. In fact, if stout needed a picture definition, Lily was sure this woman would be able to provide one.

"I wanted to talk about a project that James Potter turned in some months ago." Well, wasn't that a surprise? Lily's eyes flickered toward the end of the table, where she spotted James chatting with Peter Pettigrew.

"He's right down the table, professor," Lily said, unsure why the professor would need directions.

"I know. I wanted to talk to _you _about his project."

"All right." _How odd._ "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you teach."

"I'm Professor Carpenter," the woman said, inclining her head.

"Oh. The Muggle Studies professor. Hello." Lily felt a little silly not to have known the woman. After all, she had gone to school here for six years.

"Good evening, Professor Carpenter," Tracy greeted, walking up and nodding at the professor before giving Lily a questioning look (one that the Muggle Studies professor hopefully missed). Lily looked back at her and shook her head. She honestly had no idea what this was about.

"If we could please speak in my office?"

Lily looked back at her plate of food and realised she was as done as she was ever going to be, so she turned and nodded at the woman. Together the pair manoeuvred around the last dregs of students. It was the very end of dinner that Sunday night, and these students marked the late-dinner holdouts.

"I understand that you are enrolled in Arithmancy," the professor began.

"Yes," Lily replied, falling into step beside her. "It's one of my favourite classes."

"Are you thinking of pursuing a career in it?"

"No." Lily's reply was a bit quick. Rather ridiculously quick, actually, but the thought of pursuing a career in numbers and a sort of divination just seemed repulsive to her.

"What are you doing your seventh year project on?" Lily hated this question, this often-asked-even-though-no-one-is-actually-curious question.

"The correlation between activation charms and potions," Lily recited.

"Sounds interesting," the professor said, stopping in front of a portrait and placing her hand against it.

"It's not, really," Lily replied, watching the portrait swing open and hesitating just a moment before following the professor inside. She instinctively reached into her robes for her wand, just to make sure it was there, you know? "I'm hoping to change if I can think of something better soon."

"It's a year of your life you'll spend on this. Choose carefully," Carpenter said, sitting down on a short red chair and motioning for Lily to take a seat on the blue chair opposite her.

"I'm really sorry, professor," Lily said, sitting, "but I have no idea why you've asked me to speak with you."

"James Potter turned in a project to my class and cited you as a source," the professor explained, stretching her short arm across her desk to grab a roll of parchment. Lily wondered why the woman didn't just summon it. "The assignment was to ask a Muggle-born student about the things they miss from the Muggle world."

"Oh! That. Yes. He asked me to help him with a project," Lily said, remembering and feeling enormous relief that this wasn't some completely random meeting. "But that was months ago, wasn't it?"

"Well, that was only one part of a much larger assignment which the students turned in last week. I started reading James's two nights ago and was so surprised by the answers. I tried to find you then, but you were out of your dorm on a patrol." Yes, that had been the night of the Good Patrol. Lily hadn't seen Remus since then, actually.

"I'm sorry professor, but I don't remember exactly what I said to James. It was before the holidays and--"

"Oh. Yes. Right," Professor Carpenter interrupted, letting Lily know that she knew about the Ball. "Well, he wrote that when he asked you what you missed most about the Muggle world and a specific thing you gave up, you replied, 'While I appreciate the great power of magic, there are some things that I would prefer to have in a Muggle way, such things as television and telephones. It's frustrating to have to learn new forms of mass media and communication. But most of all, though it may sound silly, I miss whipped cream in a bottle.'"

"Oh. That's right. I'd forgotten," Lily muttered, remembering after hearing his words, her shock, annoyance, and basic inability to comprehend James's pattern of thought.

"Then you really said these things?" The woman looked steadily at Lily, the professor's chubby little ankles crossed in front of her and her hands lowering the parchment onto her lap.

"I agreed to put my name on that paper," Lily affirmed.

"But you did not say the words."

"Is there a difference, Professor?" Lily was not willing to have James fail this project just because he put down such a stupid answer and she refused to tell him it was stupid.

"The point of this project was to let these students learn about the cost of magic to Muggle-born students," the professor explained. "If you weren't willing to tell him the truth, you should have asked James to put someone else's name on the document."

"He doesn't want to know what I gave up. He never did."

"And that is why he must." The professor leaned forward and met Lily's stare with her beady eyes. "In times of such high tension between the two worlds, it is imperative that both people understand. If you choose not to explain the price of coming to Hogwarts – not the cost, which all experience, but the real price of it – then the other students will never know."

"They don't have to know," Lily replied. Who was the woman anyway? Just some teacher who had no idea what Lily gave up. Not really.

"You aren't protecting them with your silence. You're helping the Dark Lord." Lily straightened in her seat and did not blink. "He wants people to think that Muggle-borns are of a lower race, unworthy. We must stand together and prove that we are made of stronger metal than he wishes."

"You're a Muggle-born?" Lily asked, knowing it was the least appropriate question.

"Yes."

"Oh," Lily said, looking down at her interlocked hands.

"Yes, 'oh.' Do you care to explain yourself?" the professor asked.

Lily began to think. Why _hadn't_ she told James the truth? Had it just been a rash decision or was it what this woman said, that Lily was trying to protect her friends?

"I guess you realized whipped cream in a bottle was pretty ridiculous, huh?"

"Not the worst that I received, though most of the others didn't use real students."

Lily sat for a moment looking at this woman who was too short and too wide and too too many things for Lily to count and consider. Did she really think that by staying silent that Lily was helping Voldemort? Was she honestly suggesting that Lily ought to have explained about the way keeping the secret of magic had cost Lily her childhood friends, her sister, and (though she would never admit it or talk about) her parents?

"He asked me if he could use my name, told me what he'd written, and I just couldn't be bothered to correct him," Lily finally said. "I didn't think he'd cared."

"No one will care unless you make them."

"Well, Professor," Lily said, standing. "I'll think about what you said. You won't fail James on this project, will you? Because, I mean, while he suggested it, I didn't refute it. I could have."

"I won't fail him, though I may suggest he speak with you again." Lily nodded, though secretly she wanted to scream at the woman that she couldn't do that, that she ought to _never _suggest that James seek Lily out for any reason at all, but maybe Professor Carpenter was right. Maybe, at the end of the day, Lily needed to stop pushing people away and start letting them in. Wasn't that what Gertrude was always saying?

** – **

Lily did not go back to the common room right away. In fact, well after curfew had fallen, Lily was found sitting on the ledge of the astronomy tower, feet dangling over the edge bouncing against the wall as Lily sought recognizable constellations in the skies. Her wand in one hand, covered in a pleasant warming charm, Lily could not help but wonder what had become of her life. And then feel like a terrible cliché for wondering.

But all she knew was that her family no longer knew her, and she no longer knew them. Her sister was _engaged _to a man Lily had never met. Her mother and father were people she wrote carefully constructed letters to once a week out of obligation. She omitted all mention of magic and classes and lessons because she knew they wouldn't understand, and all that meant was that her letters were never complete. Her family never really knew everything about Lily's life.

And so she was going to change that. The first step had been writing Petunia that letter.

She could only hope her sister responded.

Swivelling and sliding off the wall onto the ground, Lily straightened her robes and began her long journey back to the common room.

Wishing she had her badge to light, just in case she was caught, Lily walked through the main corridors, knowing that Filch avoided them in favour of the 'secret' passageways that second years tended to find and believe they were the first to discover. Lily walked past the portrait of the Balancing Ballerina and the Dancing Bear, but just as she was about to step off a staircase in front of the Fat Lady, it turned and Lily found herself looking at a corridor on the opposite side.

"No," Lily said, looking at the steps. "I don't know how to get back from here. Take me back. Please? I just want to go to bed."

But the staircase did not move. Petulantly, Lily glared and muttered some obscenities.

"Look, Lily's gone crazy." Jumping up and pointing her wand in the direction of the disturbance, Lily found herself ready to fight Matt and Christine.

"Staircase not where you want it to be?" Matt asked, smiling. Lily shook her head and smiled at the pair, lowering her wand and slowing her heartbeat.

"What were you doing out?" Lily asked Christine. Matt, she assumed because of his lit badge, had been patrolling.

"Snogging," Christine replied.

"With that same Ravenclaw?" Lily asked, interested. Christine had quite a few passing flings. This one had seemed to last over a month.

"Yes," Christine replied. Matt was giving her a knowing smirk.

"So are you dating him, then?" Lily asked, walking off the staircase and into the corridor so that they could lower their voices.

"No," Christine said, shaking her head, causing her long blonde hair to swing.

"They are dating," Matt mock-whispered to Lily. "Stumpy just doesn't like commitment words like dating or boyfriend."

"Are you exclusive?" Lily asked Christine.

"I don't know. I don't want to talk about this." Christine began to walk past Lily and Matt, but Matt grabbed her wrist and gently pulled her back, then turned to address Lily.

"Yes. They're exclusive. Or, at least, he is," Matt replied, looking at Lily though he never let go of Christine, who had a smile form and then stay on her face.

And then Lily clicked.

"_Matt's _the Ravenclaw!" Lily exclaimed, looking at Christine for confirmation.

"True," Christine replied, nodding and looking at Matt.

"Really?" Lily asked, smiling at the idea. "For how long?"

"Ew. Why would someone count?" Christine asked. "Except for a date for the anniversary. Then it might be important."

"Yes, for the presents," Lily said jokingly.

"Feels like forever," Matt complained mock-sadly. Even if Lily hadn't caught the tone of his words, she could have seen that he had no problem because his hand had moved off of Christine's wrist and was now resting of the small of her back, where Lily couldn't see it. But she _could _see Christine's smile grow as she moved to rest her head in the space between his shoulder and neck. He was tall, but Christine was not much shorter.

"Have you told anyone?" Lily asked.

"Why would we?" Christine asked, looking honestly confused.

"No," Matt said. His white teeth shining out from that ever-present smile. Had Lily never noticed the way they both seemed to glow around one another? (And it wasn't just that they both had blonde, almost Veela-like hair.) They looked happy. Lily felt a brief pang of jealousy. She wanted that. She wanted that very much.

"Are you trying to keep it a secret?"

"No," Christine replied, stepping away from Matt and beginning to walk in the direction of the staircase that Lily had just vacated.

"Then why not tell people?" Lily asked.

"Why would we do that?" Christine questioned.

"She really doesn't understand," Matt said to Lily. Once again, Lily found herself walking beside him as Christine marched ahead, leading the way.

"So that people know you're not available," Lily said, loud enough for Christine to hear.

"_I'm _still available," Christine piped up from in front.

"She has commitment issues," Matt explained to Lily, not seeming disturbed by Christine's exclamation, almost as if he knew that she was not actually still available.

"So I'm guessing you're not on patrol?"

"Oh. I am," Matt said, "but when Diana and I found Christine, one of us had to take her back to her common room and Diana insisted that it was me. She thought she'd heard someone in a room down the corridor and she knew I was sometimes too lenient."

"Well, there's one benefit to no one knowing," Lily said.

"Diana took ten points from me," Christine countered, turning around and heading back toward Lily and Matt, then walking right past them. The pair turned around and followed her.

"You took off points?" Lily asked, looking at Matt.

"You Gryffindors must learn to not be out to late," Matt said as Christine sat down on a stair in the middle of a staircase. He sat too. "Speaking of which, I think we caught you too."

"Oh," Lily replied, sitting down, "but I was--"

"Liar," Christine interrupted.

"I haven't even said anything," Lily protested.

"Pre-emptive strike," Christine explained.

"You're the weirdest person I know," Lily said. "Speaking of which, why are we sitting here?"

"We're waiting to go back to Gryffindor Tower," Christine replied as if it were obvious.

"And sitting here will do that?"

"Yes."

And so they sat and waited for the staircase to move back to the Gryffindor Tower corridor, talking about Quidditch and dating and anniversaries and commitment issues. Matt McGrath, Christine O'Connell, and Lily Evans sat on a staircase in the middle of the night, attached to the wrong corridor, and talked for the first time in a long time about the way life was supposed to be. When the staircase detached itself, it did not go to the Gryffindor corridor, but it went to one that was close enough and the three set off.

"So how'd you get together?" Lily finally asked.

"I kissed him," Christine said by way of explanation. Lily smiled; her friend did hate to explain things clearly, didn't she? But maybe it really was that simple: one kiss and then a lifetime of friendship changed into something more.

Lily wanted to ask if they were scared, if they feared losing the easy friendship they'd shared since Tracy and Christine met over six years ago. Didn't Matt and Christine wonder what would happen if it didn't all work out?

But walking beside the pair of them, Lily knew that they weren't wondering about the future. They were just walking with a friend down an old corridor after curfew, waiting to reach a common room they did not share. And to Lily, it made perfect sense.

It was funny to think that at the beginning of this school year, Lily had considered Matt a fringe friend, connected only through Tracy, and Christine was her most distant best friend. Now, no more than five months later, they were two of only a handful of people whom she felt genuinely comfortable around.

"Am I the only one that knows?" Lily asked, as the Fat Lady swung open.

"Dunno," Christine replied, shrugging.

"Probably," Matt amended. Neither one of them looked scared at that idea.

"I won't tell anyone," Lily promised.

"Duh," Christine responded, rolling her eyes.

"I feel kind of special, being the only one that knows. And I figured it out all on my own," Lily said, grinning.

"Well, you _are_ the top student in your year," Matt said, smirking.

"I'm--" Lily began protesting.

"Liar!" Christine and Matt interrupted together, Matt's tone mocking Christine as a grin curved his lips upward.

Lily left them then, smiling to herself. Yes, they made sense.

** – **

The next day, Lily did not receive a response owl from Petunia. Not that she'd expected to. Beavendean was far from Scotland and bird travel would take awhile. She knew all of that and yet she was still a tad disappointed.

In the Transfiguration lesson, Professor McGonagall began by introducing protective transfiguration.

"Does anyone know what protective transfiguration involves?" Professor McGonagall asked as if she hadn't just lectured on it the previous Friday. A few students raised their hands.

"Yes, Miss Wrightman?" Lily turned to look at Gertrude, surprised that the Slytherin prefect had raised her hand. She never did that in Transfiguration. Or ever, basically.

"Protective transfiguration involves transfiguring an object into an exact copy of itself only stronger, with charms and defensive spells imbedded into the material," Gertrude answered.

"Good. Anything more?" McGonagall asked, scanning her eyes over the students.

Lily, who was seated near the front, on the left side of the room took the time to look over everyone too. Tracy, seated beside her, had her hand raised. As did quite a few others. Lily felt vaguely bad for not raising her hand, since she knew the answers, so she raised her own hand too.

"Yes, Mr. Underwood?" Lily turned at the sound of the name, more than a little surprised to find that she did not recognize the name.

"You can also use protective spells when transfiguring an object into a completely different object. It ensures that it will remain transfigured and that other spells will have less effect on the object," said the boy sitting next to Gertrude, who Lily recognized as the other Slytherin prefect. She'd forgotten. His name was Barbantio Underwood. "But it is a difficult task. It requires the combination of Charm, Defensive, and Transfigurative magics."

"Correct. Ten points to Slytherin for the collective answers," Professor McGonagall said, nodding in their direction before beginning to ask for volunteers to demonstrate the proper hand motion, which was the one used for conjuring and shining objects. Of course Jodie the Ravenclaw prefect automatically raised her hand and was chosen. She was always ready to volunteer (and to brownnose, though Lily didn't mention that).

Lily lowered her head the moment the girl stood in front of the class. Jodie was already making a mistake, holding her wand the wrong way. So Lily took out her book and flipped through the pages until the section they were covering was before her. Then, of course, Professor McGonagall noticed she wasn't paying attention and called her on it.

"Miss Evans, please explain to the class what just happened with the demonstration." Oh, if a tone could cast a freezing hex, Lily wouldn't thaw until June. Lily looked up, first at McGonagall and then briefly at Jodie, before meeting McGonagall's eye again.

"Jodie held her wand in the wrong position and used the wrong hand motion," Lily said. She was only half-guessing. She knew the other girl hadn't had her wand in the correct position, and assumed the motion wasn't possible without that grip.

"Correct," McGonagall said, obviously pleased that Lily had answered correctly though she would never admit it. She knew Lily hadn't been paying attention. "Would you care to demonstrate the proper technique?"

"All right," Lily assented, knowing that McGonagall was commanding more than asking. The woman was a brilliant teacher, a genius of a witch, and a very strict person in general. No one got away with anything in her class. Lily sometimes wondered why the male half of her year dared to pull so many pranks in front of this woman.

Lily stood in front of the class and smiled at them all before casting her eyes over the desk for the object she was supposed to use the spell on. Nothing was obvious, so she quickly conjured a small stone and cast the spell.

"_Protegitius Substitium_," she said, making the appropriate double loop. The rock shimmered briefly before reappearing in the same spot without a visible difference. "Not exactly fireworks, is it?"

"Very good, Miss Evans," said Professor McGonagall, "but you were only supposed to demonstrate the hand motion. Demonstrating the spell could have been dangerous if you hadn't performed the hand motion correctly. Five points from Gryffindor for carelessness."

Sometimes, Lily really felt like Professor McGonagall hated her. This was one definitely of those times.

"Sorry, Professor" Lily said, lowering her eyes to the table.

"Please see me after class, Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said, walking forward and picking up the stone. Addressing the class in a louder voice, McGonagall said, "Pair up and practice the hand motion with the stones on the table and the shining charm."

Standing in front of the class, Lily watched the pairing happen too quickly for her to become involved. Christine paired up with Remus Lupin (who'd only gotten back that day). Tracy went to the front of the room and paired up with Sirius Black. By the time Lily even had a chance to ask someone to partner up, the only people left unpaired were Severus Snape and James Potter: the guy that called her a Mudblood, and the egotistical bloke who knew she had been obsessed with him but was currently dating her best friend.

Maybe she could just work on her own and have James and Severus work together. Then Lily could join Christine and Remus Lupin's group and be at least moderately more comfortable than she would be with either of her options.

A glance at McGonagall told her that wasn't an option. Well, fine then. If Lily had to pick between mean-spirited Snape and the humiliation that came with even looking at (not to mention speaking and working with) James, it was an easy choice.

Lily picked up her wand and moved to talk to James, determined to make the situation less awkward. Determined to pretend like nothing had happened, like he hadn't been avoiding her and their Wednesday study sessions because he knew she was obsessed with him and was so terribly embarrassed. Okay. Deep breath.

"Need a partner?" Lily asked. Yes. That was a good opening line. Cool. Concise. Straight to the point. Lily felt like throwing up.

"Yes," he said. Good. He looked a little green around the edges. That served the dual purpose of making him look less attractive _and _letting Lily know that this wasn't a comfortable situation for him either. That brightened Lily's day a touch. Misery did love company after all.

And so Lily sat down next to James Potter and waited for him to start shining the stone. After a moment with him doing nothing, Lily looked over and found his attention (and gaze) on Tracy and Sirius. Oh that caused a pang of jealousy all right, but one which Lily determinedly ignored.

"Do you want to go first?" Lily offered, feeling quite generous to have opened a dialogue between them again.

"It's all right. You can start," James responded, nodding toward it and still not meeting her gaze.

"Okay," she said, leaning forward and 'shining' the stone. James un-shined it and then practiced his own shining charm.

"I feel like we're in the wrong class," James muttered, upset with his lacklustre result.

Lily didn't reply. Maybe he hadn't been talking to her. Maybe he'd just been muttering to himself. Either way, responding only made her feel sort of ill. All right, very ill. He was sitting there next to her (her best friend's boyfriend) knowing that she had lusted after him. Ack. This sucked. A lot. Why hadn't Tracy partnered with him? Hmmm?

Lily leaned forward and shined and un-shined the stone.

James leaned forward and failed again. Lily noticed the way his thumb was too far back on the wand. He'd have done fine with regular Transfiguration with that grip, but this spell needed a slightly different grip.

"Do you have a suggestion?" James asked, catching her watching his grip. Lily shook her head automatically.

"No," Lily said. Definitely not. Nope. Never.

"You could tell me if you see something I ought to change," James continued, sounding like he was talking about more than transfiguration. "That's why we're in pairs."

Lily watched him try once more to perfect the charm, shining the stone but not as well as he might have hoped. He tried a few more times, finally growing so frustrated that he just transfigured the entire thing into a diamond and back.

"Wow," Lily said involuntarily, commenting on his bit of Transfiguration.

"What?"

"The diamond. That was great."

"Just stone to stone transfiguration. We learned that in second year," James mentioned, shrugging. It is had been anyone else, Lily might have thought that comment was humble. Coming from James, it sounded like condescension.

"The tougher the stone, the harder the transfiguration and the more power it requires," Lily said, equally condescendingly. "I don't think I could've done that."

"You don't?"

"Oh no," Lily explained, shaking her head.

"So you think I'm powerful?" James asked with a toss of his head. Lily shook her head at his sheer stupidity and arrogance and looked down at the rock, casually un-shining it.

"You say some really stupid things sometimes," Lily said, feeling brave for saying it. But if he was dating her best friend, the least Lily could do was to get over her crush (read: obsession) and start acting like a normal human being around him, which meant she would have to start talking to him. After all, she was probably going to see a lot more of him if she wanted to rebuild her friendship with Tracy.

"Excuse me?"

"You say some really stupid things sometimes," Lily repeated. Okay. So he knew she liked him. Lily wanted to make sure he also knew that she didn't think he was perfect. "And I have to believe that they are stupid things you don't think about saying, because if you think about them and if you are really that conceited, mean, or arrogant, I should just leave."

"And work with Snape?" James asked with an edge of meanness.

"No. Ew. But that's not really the point," Lily said, shaking her head and shining and un-shining the stone. "The point is that you have started thinking before speaking. I've seen you do it, but occasionally you forget and it makes me sick to hear some of the thoughtless things you say."

"Are you done berating me now?"

"I didn't mean to berate you," Lily said, sadly realizing that he probably just had more reason to hate her now. "I just wanted you to know how you come off. "

"What business is it of yours how I come off?"

"A lot. I am the one that's hurt and confused by your comments," Lily replied, still shining and un-shining the rock.

"Why does this have to be so bloody difficult?" James asked, slouching in his chair and his eyes staring hard at the stone.

"What's so difficult?" Lily asked.

"This-- you and me talking-- why is it so hard?" He sounded honestly confused, like the question wasn't a rhetorical one, like he wanted an answer.

Well, if he thought Lily was about to answer that question, he had another think coming. Lily was _not _about to rehash the fact that James was acting like a jerk, ignoring her, glaring at her, and generally being uncomfortable around her because he knew she liked him. Instead, Lily kept shining and un-shining the stone, creating pretzel motions with her wand. Until, that is, James reached over and pinned her wand to the table with his own and began to speak, and Lily's instincts took over as she yanked her arm back, twisted her wand free and, in a single movement, placed the point of her wand between his eyes in an offensive stance.

"Whoa. Calm down," he said, holding up his hands and cutting off the spell she'd begun to say. "I just wanted you to stop shining the damn thing."

"Sorry," Lily muttered, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she lowered her wand to her side. "I'm just jumpy. I'm tired or something."

"Or you were attacked by Death Eaters and I forgot and made a stupid gesture," James said almost apologetically. Lily eyes snapped open and her eyes locked with his.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Oh," he said, lifting his hand and running it through his hair in that way that irritated Lily because she found it so attractive. She needed to stop thinking like that. This was her best friend's boyfriend. "Was that another stupid comment?"

"No," Lily replied, shaking her head. "That was a brilliant comment."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No. For once, that was sincere," Lily said.

"Really?"

"Yes," Lily said. She wanted to explain that everyone else tiptoed around the issue, irritating her to no end. To hear someone just come out and say it was refreshing.

"Okay," he replied. He seemed to want to say so much more. It was as if a flood of words and sentences and thoughts were being held at bay within him, wanting so desperately to leak out and reach Lily. But instead of any of those comments, James turned to the rock and said, "What am I doing wrong?"

So Lily told him about his thumb and showed him where to put it on the wand, but never gave into the temptation to just place his fingers herself because she kept feeling Tracy's eyes flitter over to watch the pair of them. Seriously, why hadn't Tracy just worked with him?

** – **

"I don't understand you, Miss Evans."

_Most people don't_, Lily did not say aloud. The class had been dismissed and Professor McGonagall was in the process of giving Lily her dressing down.

"You're a brilliant student, but you never volunteer. You blatantly pay no attention to demonstrations and yet are prepared to answer my questions."

Lily waited.

"How did you know what Miss Livingstone had done incorrectly? Did Miss McGrath tell you?"

"No," Lily replied. "I saw the moment she stood up there that Jodie was holding her wand incorrectly for that spell."

"There is no mention of the correct grip in the book, Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said tersely.

"Then I remembered from your lecture," Lily replied, waving off the irrelevant comment.

"I made no note of wand grip either." Well, that was a shock.

"Well," Lily amended, taking her own wand out and holding it the correct way, "look at the motion. Jodie couldn't have made the proper loop without having her hand turned at least a little to the right."

"Have you studied this spell before?"

"I listened to your lecture and did the homework assignment," Lily replied. "And I'm sorry about not paying attention, but it's difficult to watch someone demonstrate the wrong way."

"Then why didn't you interrupt and correct her?"

Lily scoffed at that. Aloud. It was obviously not the response the professor had wanted, but Lily couldn't help herself. Correct Jodie? In front of the class? Ha!

"I don't see the humour in the situation, Miss Evans."

"I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't mean to laugh," Lily said, "but correcting a student would make me look like a ridiculous show off and a braggart."

"No, Miss Evans. It would look like you studied hard, paid attention in class, and cared about the learning experience of your fellow students." Professor McGonagall's voice sounded annoyed as she continued: "You cannot continue to hide in the middle of the class, Miss Evans. I know your scores on your exams and have even discussed your performance with my colleagues. Professor Flitwick, in particular, speaks highly of you, but we have _all_ noticed your talent and your leadership abilities."

What leadership ability? 

"Why do you think I nominated you for the prefect position?" McGonagall asked.

_Because I was the only one that would take it? _Lily thought. Sam didn't want it. Tracy would have ignored the responsibility. Christine would have forgotten it.

"I understand, Professor," Lily said, though she didn't. "I'm sorry."

The two parted ways shortly after that, nothing really resolved.

** – **

It had been a weird day. Actually, a weird week. Remus had spoken during patrol. Petunia had gotten engaged. Sam and Tracy disappeared for hours on end to 'talk.' Christine and Matt were dating. And so, when Lily went up to her dorm to study that Monday night, though she was shocked and freaked out, she wasn't all-together too confounded by the presence of Christian Knowles on a broom knocking on her window.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Lily asked, running up and opening the window, grateful that the dorm was empty.

"I needed to talk to you," he said, flying inside and stepping on the ground.

"And owling me was too simple?" Lily asked.

"This isn't something that ought to be discussed by owl," Christian said, holding his broom in one hand. He looked dishevelled. And gorgeous. Let's not forget gorgeous.

"How far did you fly?" Lily asked, trying not to remember how much fun kissing him had been. Her hormones were getting out of control.

"Not far. I flooed to Hogsmeade and then bought this broom and flew here," he explained.

"Of course," Lily said, putting her hands on her hips, "because owling wasn't an option, walking seemed blasé, and only commoners bring their own brooms into the floo network."

"Lily, I need to talk to you about the Ball--"

"You couldn't have even owled to let me know you were coming?" Lily asked, growing more and more frustrated.

"I shouldn't have brought you there," Christian continued as if Lily hadn't interrupted.

"Because if you'd owled me I could have at least met you somewhere that wasn't also my bedroom."

"It's my fault you were attacked."

"Somewhere where-- What?" Lily stopped her rant as she finally processed his words.

"It's my fault."

"Oh. Is your name secretly Voldemort?" Christian flinched at the name, eyes widening enough to cover the bags under his eyes.

"I'm serious, Lily."

"That, at least, I believe," Lily said. "You're always serious. But you're also randomly in my dormitory during dinner hours in a country where you don't go to school. Forgive me if I don't think you're exactly in your right mind at the moment."

"It was Ian," Christian said. "I think he tricked me into bringing you. I think he works for Voldemort."

"Hey, Ranting Boy," Lily cut him off, feeling a sharp stab of anger though she did not know why, "you need to calm the hell down."

"I am calm," Christian said. "I've been thinking about this for a month. Longer than that. Why did I invite you? I needed a date but Sophie would have gone with me and you broke my heart. So why was I there? Why were you there? Why had Jacob called me away just when the Death Eaters arrived? You were there, and you were alone, and that is my fault."

"Christian. Stop." Fear was grabbing at Lily. Christian sounded crazy.

"No. Lily, Ian told me to bring you, but he didn't go. I think he knew."

"Shut up. Shut up!" Lily yelled. Her voice seemed to have shocked her ex-boyfriend into silence. She took his head in her hands and brought it down so that she was looking him in the eye. "Listen to me. Ian is a good friend and a good person. But even if that weren't the case, he is a Muggle-born. He does not work for Voldemort."

"He's not a Muggle-born," Christian replied, lifting his hands and covering Lily's so that she could not remove them from his face. "His family only lived in a Muggle neighbourhood. He's a pureblood."

"Well," Lily said, thinking quickly, "even if that's true, it doesn't change anything. Ian's been a good friend to both of us."

"Don't you think it's odd that we met in a grocery store? Don't you think it was convenient?"

"No," Lily replied. "I was looking for bananas and so were you."

"But why were we there? We hadn't even planned on going until that day," Christian continued.

"And I hadn't planned on being there until ten minutes beforehand. That's how grocery shopping works," Lily answered. But a thoroughly guilt-ridden and panicked Christian did not want to believe Lily. They sat for hours together, talking things through, calming his frayed nerves until well after the sun set and her room mates tried to enter the room. Lily had told them all to come back later.

In the meantime, Christian told Lily about what happened right after the Ball, the details she hadn't known: cameramen waiting at the exit and taking pictures of the injured guests, Aurors taking over and _scourgifying _all of the film and _oblivating_ the reporters. He told her about being healed and sent out of the hospital in less than an hour, the staff telling him that he couldn't see Lily, that she was being worked on.

He sat at the hospital for hours, waiting for her to be better, waiting for the nurse to come out and say that they were doing working on Lily, but by the time the next day dawned and she still wasn't allowed visitors, Christian knew something was really wrong. He'd never heard of the healers not being able to fix anyone in less than a few hours. He had thought she was dead and he realized that it was his fault.

But the Auror Director had come to speak with him, reassuring him that Lily would be fine, asking about what had happened at the Ball. Christian said he barely remembered talking to the woman. He only remembered the moment his father had arrived, sweeping into the hospital and telling the woman off for asking Christian for a statement without an attorney present.

Christian had told his father about Lily's state, about the way nurses and healers ran in and out of her room all the time, never letting him in. Mr. Knowles had found the director of the hospital and insisted that Lily's parents be notified and brought in. It turned out that Mr. Knowles was one of the largest donators to the hospital, and when he suggested something, it happened. That was how Mr. and Mrs. Evans had defied a lifetime of tradition and entered the wards of St. Mungo's Hospital.

"I didn't know," Lily said. "I knew them coming was different, but I hadn't known what it took."

"The Aurors picked up your parents, and I wanted to stay and talk with them, but the Ministry Official said that I would be hampering an ongoing investigation. Father took me home. I tried to owl you, but they came back unopened."

"One of the guests was sent letter that blew up," Lily explained. "We weren't allowed any mail after that."

He nodded and told her how worried he'd been. Christian told her about the guilt her felt, knowing that Lily was only at the Ball because of him, and Lily told him that she had never even thought of being angry with him about that.

"You didn't?" he asked.

"Not even for a moment," she replied, wondering how he could have thought she would.

"But I brought you and then--"

"And then Voldemort attacked," Lily finished. "Voldemort. Not you. It wasn't like you turned around and started lobbing chairs at me or anything."

"But I wasn't there to protect you." And the sadness in his voice endeared him to Lily all over again. She leaned in toward him (by this point they were both sitting on the ledge under the window) and wrapped her arms around him.

"You didn't have to protect me," Lily murmured against his shoulder.

"I should have." But Lily knew Christian better than he thought she did. Yes, he wanted to have protected her. Yes, he would have thought he was, but Lily knew that he would have thought grabbing her hand and the first available Portkey would have been enough. And, though this seemed a strange moment to realize it, Lily finally came to comprehend the fact that Christian was not what she wanted at all in a boyfriend. Instead of someone that would pull her out of the thick of things, she wanted someone who would have jumped into the middle and stood beside her, casting a shield too.

"Christian," Lily began, "you can't do this to yourself. You can't blame yourself and suspect your friends. You can't. You'll drive yourself mad."

"But when I heard you were in the hospital for over a week, I just-" He didn't finish the sentence. He never would.

"Ian is one of your best friends," Lily said, "one of my best friends too."

"I know, and I suppose I never really suspected him, but I need to blame someone. Someone has to be at fault," Christian asserted.

"Voldemort is at fault, he and his Death Eaters. No one else." Christian nodded but did not reply. Lily stood, her back killing her, and said, "It's late. My roommates are probably already asleep in the common room. Why don't I go ask the guys if you can have a bed, and--"

"No. It's all right," Christian said, standing too. "I'll rent a room in town."

"That's stupid. Just stay here."

"No. I'd feel uncomfortable. I already feel uncomfortable, making such a scene in front of you," Christian said, obviously embarrassed by the tears he had shed and the accusations he had flung. "But I'm glad I talk to you."

"Me too. Will you be okay to fly?"

"Yes," Christian said, picking up his broom.

"How did you know where to Floo to anyway?" Lily asked, suddenly curious. Wasn't the castle supposed to be unplotted?

"Gertrude Wrightman told me the name of the town," he answered.

"What?" Lily asked. "How do you know Gertrude?"

"We grew up together, in a way," Christian said. "Do you know her?"

"I know of her," Lily replied. "She's a prefect."

"I knew that," Christian said, smiling slightly before it faded from his face.

"Well, come on, you can't very well mount your broom in here. Let's at least go into the common room and have you fly out a proper window," Lily suggested, leading Christian out the door, down the stairs, and into the common room. He gave her a tight hug – the first since they had broken up – a quick kiss on the cheek and then he was gone, flying out the window.

She heard a slamming door and turned to look at the boy's dormitory door, where she spotted Tracy giving her an exasperated look.

"Was that Hottie?" came Christine's voice near the fireplace.

"Yeah," Lily said, looking out the window and remembering the conversation and offering no further explanation.

"How'd he get here?" Christine asked. She and Tracy appeared to be the only other people in the common room at the moment.

"I have no effing idea. Zero." He couldn't really have come all this way just to talk about guilt issues, could he? And why had it been Gertrude that told him where to floo?

"Did he perhaps come here for a snog?" Christine asked, smirking.

"He goes to school in France," Lily replied as if that were the most important reason why that wasn't an option.

"So?" Christine asked.

"So you really think he came all this way just for a snog?"

"True. Was it a shag then?" Christine asked. Lily stared incredulously at Christine.

"Yes," Lily replied sarcastically. "That's it. That's what we've been doing for the last four hours: shagging."

"If you weren't shagging, what were you doing?" Tracy asked, finally joining the conversation.

"Talking. A lot," Lily answered.

"About what?" Tracy asked as the door to the boy's dorm reopened and Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew stepped out.

"What's going on down here?" Sirius asked.

"Lily and her ex-boyfriend just came out of the girls dorms and we were all wondering what happened," Tracy replied in a tone Lily did not like.

"Oh," Sirius said, smiling and looking at Peter. "That explains it then."

"Yep," Peter agreed, shaking his head at Lily. It looked like they were passing judgment on Lily. How effing annoying.

"Wait. Why was he here if not to shag?" Christine asked, still looking confused. Sirius and Peter also looked curious about this answer. Stupid buggers. Why should they care about her life? She didn't know them.

"He wanted to talk about New Year's," Lily answered.

"Why couldn't he have owled you?" Sirius asked. Lily's eyes locked on his and she suddenly had a great idea.

"I don't know, but I want to find out," Lily said, walking forward until she was right next to Sirius. "I bet you know the way to the Slytherin common room."

"You don't?" Sirius asked, feigning great surprise.

"Can you take me there?" Lily asked.

"Well," Sirius began, casting his eyes over Lily's shoulder. When she turned, she found Tracy nodding. Sirius nodded back, pointing to the boy's dorm.

"Hey!" Lily exclaimed. "The nodding-silent-message-thing is annoying. Stop it."

"I can take you there," Sirius said, dragging his eyes away from Tracy and focusing back on Lily.

"Good. Let's go," Lily said, walking toward the portrait. When she realized Sirius wasn't beside her, she turned to find Sirius talking to Tracy and Peter. Both nodded before heading to the boys's dorm door. Lily felt another stab of jealousy. Tracy was going to chat with James, probably to explain about Sirius disappearing.

"Sirius, can we go now?" Lily called over to him.

"Where are you going?" Christine asked.

"The Slytherin common room."

"Have fun!" Christine called back, standing and moving toward the girls's dorm, making Lily wonder exactly where Sam was.

As the pair walked outside the common room and into the dark corridor, they were silent. In fact, they kept that silence until they reached the main floor and Lily began doubting her own assumptions and thus began talking.

"Do you really know how to get to their common room?" Lily asked.

"Does a hippo secretly want to dance with sugar plum fairies?" Sirius replied, placing his hand on the small of her back and leading her down the corridor. Lily twisted away from his touch.

"So your boyfriend came to visit?" Sirius asked.

"Ex-boyfriend," Lily corrected.

"But you hugged and he kissed you," Sirius said. She looked at him curiously.

"How do you know that?"

"I'm a Seer," he said deadpan. Lily scoffed in disbelief. Sirius looked at her and asked, "How do you know I'm not telling the truth?"

"I'm a Seer," Lily answered as she ducked under the outstretched arm of a suit of armour.

"How could we not have known that about each other?" Sirius asked. "Shameful, that is, not knowing how alike we were. We ought to get to know one another a little better."

"Eff that," Lily said dismissively. "Talking will only attract Filch."

"Brilliant," Sirius muttered, smiling and nodding his head as if approving Lily for the first time. Like she was something that needed approving.

"Why are you so bloody happy? A few weeks ago you were moody and throwing things. Go back to that," Lily commanded. "Sulky is silent."

"And bitter is not sexy," Sirius said, giving Lily a look that clearly indicated that he was talking about her.

"I'm allowed to be bitter," Lily said. _I had my heart broken recently by your best friend and now my ex-boyfriend randomly showed up outside my window and Gertrude knew about it. I'm allowed to be cranky, at the very least._

"Listen, if you're still upset about the James thing--"

"You know about that?" Lily asked, horrified. Horrified. She stopped moving, standing on the main floor and just wanting her embarrassment to swallow her up.

"Of course. I'm his best mate," Sirius said, puffing up his chest and gently pushing Lily to start her walking again.

Lily moaned. "I don't even want to think about it. No one else knows, right?"

"About the recent developments? Just me," Sirius said.

"And Tracy," Lily added. "Do you know when it started then?"

"A few years ago," Sirius said. Lily stopped moving again and just sat on the steps. James had started liking Tracy years ago? _Years _ago? Oh frick. And Lily had been throwing herself at him, practically, for years. Oh. And he was such a jerk at the beginning but then he got nicer, like he realized he needed to have Tracy's friends approve of him.

"Someone should just hex me," Lily moaned. Once more, Sirius grabbed her arm and pulled her forward until they were at the dungeon stairs.

"It's not all that bad," Sirius said, sounding annoyed. "He's a good guy."

"Not all that bad?" Lily repeated, wrenching her arm away from him as she started power walking away from him. "I've been obsessed with a boy who has liked one of my best friends for years and you don't think it's that bad? You don't think it's _that bad _that he _knows _I've been obsessed with him? I think this qualifies as 'That Bad.'"

"Wait a second," Sirius said, running to cut Lily off and stand before her. "What did you just say?"

"I said this situation is really bad and that I don't need you to belittle it!" Lily snapped, walking around him. "It's bad enough to know that he told you; it makes me ill to just think about in general."

"What are we talking about here, exactly?"

"I thought you knew," Lily said.

"I do," Sirius said. "I think you're confused."

"I'm not confused," Lily said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I know that James and Tracy are dating. I know that he figured out how I felt about him and felt badly about not liking me in return. And I know that I'm the world's biggest fool for just chasing him around, and you know what? I don't need you to tell me not to care."

A moment of glaring and staring (on the parts of Lily and Sirius respectively) passed. Then Lily walked on as a smile spread across Sirius's face.

"This is great," Sirius muttered. Lily spun on him.

"What?"

"This is great!" Sirius exclaimed, rushing forward, picking up Lily and spinning her around. "You're just as confused as he is. This is _wonderful_."

"Hey, crazy guy," Lily snapped when he put her down, "I think we've covered how not wonderful this is for me."

"You say Tracy knows all about this?" Sirius said, walking again toward the dungeons and leading Lily down a corridor,

"Well, she is dating the bloke, isn't' she?" Lily asked.

"Yes, yes." Sirius made a motion as it to brush that aside. "But you've told her all this?"

"I didn't tell her, but I know she figured it out. She's the one that told James how I felt." Oh that was hard to admit. Overwhelming shame came back. This whole situation royally sucked.

"So she knows what? That she's dating James or that you like him?" Sirius pressed.

"I should think both," Lily snapped. "Because she definitely knows how I feel-- felt about James, and if she doesn't know that she's dating him it would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it?"

"Oh, you have no idea," Sirius said, smiling at Lily. "This has been so informative, this walk. We ought to do this more often."

"Well, you know, our futures _are_ tied together, so I'm sure we'll have time for a few more walks," Lily said bitterly.

"What?" he asked. "If you're asking me to date you, there's no way that'll ever happen."

"Wow. That was definitely not where I was going with that, and yet I still feel offended," Lily said. "Thanks for that. Really made this day better. Not that I want to date you, or really talk to you that much at this point, but what's so wrong with me? Tracy told me she didn't think _any _guy would date me at Hogwarts. And let me tell you, that did nothing for my confidence."

"Oh," Sirius said, throwing an arm around Lily's shoulders again as he turned her to face a wall, "this is going to be so much fun."

"What is?" Lily asked, suspicious.

"Everything."

"All right, Mr. Cryptic, can we just get to the Slytherin common rooms?" Lily said, trying to dislodge herself from his grip and finding it impossible.

"This is it," Sirius said, gesturing at the wall.

"You've got to be kidding me," Lily muttered. "They got stuck with a wall? They couldn't have even had a tapestry?"

"I'm sure they like that they're so secret," Sirius said. Lily scoffed.

"That's such a joke! The Slytherins always get the short end of the stick, don't they? I mean, a bloody wall?" Lily muttered, poking the wall with her wand.

"So why are we here?" Sirius asked, watching her poke the wall.

"I presume you're here to see me."

Both Sirius and Lily jumped and grabbed their wands, pointing them at the direction of the voice. But once they recognized the speaker, Lily lowered her wand. Sirius did not.

"You're creepy, you know, the way you just appear places," Lily said, pocketing her wand.

"Hello, Lily, Sirius," Gertrude Wrightman said, stepping forward. Lily looked back and forth between them as Sirius lowered his wand but did not put it away.

"Do you know each other?" Lily asked.

"Our families are connected," Gertrude replied.

"Oh," Sirius said, sounding falsely cheerful, "didn't you hear, Gertrude? They aren't my family anymore. I've joined the ranks of Andromeda and company."

"Another scorch mark on a perfectly good wall," Gertrude said, shaking her head and causing her blonde hair to shimmer behind her.

"As of New Year's Eve, that's me: scorch mark seventeen." Lily had just been complaining and generally not having a good day (a weird day to be sure, but not necessarily very good), and then she saw Gertrude and her day got better. But Sirius went from obnoxiously happy to guarded and testy. Why hadn't he done that earlier, when she asked him to?

Gertrude gave Sirius a narrow-eyed look of contempt and said, "You ran away from them."

Okay. So they definitely seemed to know one another.

"I disapproved of their beliefs."

"You turned your back on your heritage, your ancestors, and twenty generations of family." Oh dear. Lily knew Gertrude well enough to know that those were major no-nos. She valued pride and loyalty highly. What Lily hadn't known until that moment, as she watched Sirius's face turn a scary purple colour, was that he did too.

"I turned my back on my current family," Sirius said in clipped tones, "and their current bigoted, arse-hole ideas of purity."

"You mean you turned your back on your Slytherin family."

"The Sorting Hat helped me there," Sirius said. "But no, I didn't turn my back on my Slytherin family. Andromeda's a Slytherin. Uncle Alphard was a Slytherin. It's the rest I can't stand, no matter what house they were in. I'm not a Hufflepuff, Gertrude. I don't pledge loyalty blindly to a family whose beliefs I hate."

"I'll never be allowed to see you again in public, you know. It wouldn't be proper."

"It hasn't been proper since first year," Sirius returned, his voice changing from defensive to almost sad. Now Lily was really interested in what was happening.

"But it was at least acceptable," Gertrude said, "because of your history, because you were a Black. Now even that is gone."

"I chose a side," Sirius said. "I don't regret that."

"I've chosen a side as well," Gertrude said, her eyes flicking over to Lily. And where Lily felt pleased to be acknowledged, it seemed that Sirius was not happy with the situation. He stepped in front of Lily, effectively blocking her from Gertrude's line of sight.

"No," he said. Lily leaned around him to give Gertrude a questioning look.

"Sirius, do you really think I was talking about hurting her?" Gertrude asked. Lily stepped to the side of him so that the three of them formed a triangle.

"Then what were you talking about?" he asked, cautious.

"I'm joining her side, Sirius," Gertrude declared. Lily threw her hair over her shoulders and struck a really self-congratulatory pose, trying to make them smile. It failed.

"Why?" Sirius asked. "Why would you join a side you don't believe in?"

"Well, aren't you just a suspicious bloke?" Lily accused, causing him to stare at her. "What? Did you forget that I was here?"

"I have chosen the side that will win, Sirius. He has become Caligula or Nero, and I have no desire to stand beside him as Rome burns," Gertrude replied. Lily recognized neither name, but _did _know about Rome and felt a little proud of that. But who was 'he' that Gertrude was talking about?

"What's that have to do with Lily?"

"She cast a Shield Charm against Death Eaters to protect people she did not know," Gertrude stated. Sirius's head spun side to side as he looked first at Gertrude and then at Lily.

"When? Why? Are you an idiot?"

"She went a ball that both you and I were advised to avoid," Gertrude said. "A ball which, I assume, is part of the reason why you ran away."

"Of course it was!" Sirius exclaimed at Gertrude before addressing Lily: "Are you an idiot? You cast a shield? You went to the Ministry Ball?"

"Yes," Lily said, nodding. "I did. And I cast a shield. It got attacked and I got hurt."

"Of course you got hurt," Sirius said. "If you fight Death Eaters, you fight to win, not to survive. Never go defensive."

"Now there's a stupid strategy," Lily quipped. She turned to Gertrude. "I sort of came to talk to you about that."

"Yes?"

"You cast a bloody shield at the Ball," Sirius muttered. Lily ignored him, though she noted the way that guilt seemed to have crawled up and onto his face. Interesting, that.

"My ex-boyfriend visited me tonight, freaking the hell out of me, by the way. He dropped your name," Lily mentioned casually. "Said you'd told him to floo to Hogsmeade."

"Yes, Christian wanted to speak with you in person."

"He asked if I knew you," Lily added.

"And you said no, I assume," Gertrude said, smiling softly. But her eyes had a hard, approving, grateful look to them.

"Christian? Christian Knowles?" Sirius asked, looking at the Slytherin girl. When she nodded he turned to Lily and asked, "Christian _Knowles_ was the bloke you were with all summer?"

"What the hell?" Lily asked. "How do youknow Christian?"

"He's from an old family," Sirius said by way of explanation.

"Oh. And you know all the old families?" Lily scoffed.

"Yes," Sirius replied.

"And her best friend is Samantha," Gertrude added, like that was important at all at that moment.

"And she's convinced you to join Dumbledore's side," Sirius muttered.

"Not Dumbledore's. Hers. I'll join her," Gertrude corrected in her clear, pronounced voice. "And you're walking with her too, aren't you?"

"For a friend," Sirius murmured.

"What friend?" Lily asked.

"And she worked with Timothy all of last year," Sirius said, almost to himself.

"Why do you know that? Or remember that?" Lily asked, hands on her hips. What was going on here? Why did these people care who she knew, who she was friends with? Why did Sirius, whom she had never spoken to before, know so much about her?

"Kevin, too," Gertrude said, a smile beginning to form on her lips. "They're good friends."

"Kevin Creggie?" Lily asked. "I really wish you people would stop with the cryptic business already. I don't like being ignored."

"She's got one in each house, and one in a different country," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"One what?" Lily pressed.

"One heir," Sirius answered.

"Oh, well, you know," Lily said sarcastically as she remembered the Ministry and the orange eyed lady talking about heirs, "I have a checklist of heirs and I just go around picking them up as friends."

"That would almost make more sense," Sirius said.

"Not to distract from the conversation that makes _no_ sense, but why the hell was Christian here?" Lily asked Gertrude.

"He felt badly about leaving you behind. Men from families like Christian's do not do that," Gertrude explained. And Lily felt really weirded out. She couldn't believe he'd come all that way just to apologize. The boy had guilt issues, obviously.

"Was he warned?" Sirius asked, using the quietest voice Lily had ever heard him use, and scaring her in the process. He sounded capable of murder in that moment.

"No," Gertrude said. "His parents would never have known."

"Can you be sure?"

"He would not have taken her, if he'd known," Gertrude said, finality in her tone

And so Lily assumed she was supposed to go back to twiddling her thumbs as these two seemed to be talking in a code she wasn't privy to. How annoying.

"Hello. I came here to talk to Gertrude. You were meant to be the guide," Lily complained to Sirius. He looked startled at her.

"You're right," he said.

"Was there something else you wished to discuss?" Gertrude asked.

"No," Lily admitted. "Well, unless you want to tell me what you were doing out of your dorm or how you knew we were here to meet you."

"I'm on patrol at the moment," Gertrude said, pointing to her lit badge, "and I assume that I'm the only Slytherin you would like to speak to in the middle of the night."

"Well, you and Snape, who's secretly my lover," Lily joked. Sirius seemed to choke on his own tongue. Then he started laughing.

"So where's your partner?" Lily asked. "Whose name I have _already _forgotten. What is wrong with me? McGonagall just said it today."

"He's escorting a couple of Ravenclaw boys back to their dorm."

"First years?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"Chad and Will," Lily guessed, shaking her head.

"Yes," Gertrude confirmed. "I'd expected better of Chad Caldwell, at least."

"We better get going before your partner comes back," Sirius said, not looking scared or like he particularly care, but looking sincere nonetheless. Lily didn't really understand it.

"Are we still on for dinner tomorrow?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Gertrude said. "We ought to talk about what happened in Transfiguration today."

"Oh. I'm not very good at Transfiguration. You might want to ask-- well-- just about anyone rather than me," Lily said. Gertrude's eyes changed to a darker blue tone as she looked at Lily.

"Still too humble for your own good," Gertrude whispered, though Lily was sure Sirius hadn't heard her.

"If you need help, I know someone that could tutor you," Sirius said to Lily, his eyes twinkling.

"She doesn't need any help," Gertrude said. "You saw her at today's demonstration, didn't you, Sirius?"

He looked to be trying really hard to remember.

"The protective transfiguration," Gertrude prompted.

"Oh, that's right! That was brilliant. McGonagall was impressed," Sirius commented.

"She was not."

"We have to go," Sirius said, ignoring Lily as he shifted his gaze from her to Gertrude, "before your disapproving, boring friend returns."

"And so the thing ends," Gertrude said, looking sadly and almost disapprovingly at Sirius.

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head as he grabbed Lily's wrist and started pulling her away. "I'll crash one of your dinners with Lily. Scorch mark be damned."

But though his words were light-hearted, Lily felt how much they seemed to hurt both students. Gertrude looked like she felt Sirius had run away from her. Sirius looked sick.

"And if I don't see you," Sirius said at the end of the corridor, "happy birthday."

By that time Gertrude had turned and walked back down a side corridor, out of sight, but out of neither one's mind.

"McGonagall, just for your information, was angry today, not impressed," Lily finally said, trying to break the silence that had descended on the pair of them.

"She looked like she wanted to give you a hundred points!" Sirius said.

"She took points away and made me stay after class in order to listen to a lecture about not living up to my potential."

"See? She cares." Lily didn't bother arguing. The boy was mental. "And that was an impressive show, really. Don't know why you say you're no good at Transfiguration."

"I'm not," Lily said.

"Well, that's just--" Lily clamped her hand over his mouth and pulled him quickly into a niche in the wall. Motioning for him to remain silent, she peeked her head out and saw exactly what she'd suspected: Filch. Oh crap.

"What?" Sirius whispered. Oh, that idiot. Didn't he know the caretaker could hear a pin drop during a Quidditch game? Obviously not. Lily did some quick thinking and took what she considered to be the best course of action: she pushed Sirius into the middle of the corridor then cast a Cushioning Charm on the ground. The boy looked stunned, seemed to catch sight of Filch, and was just ready to run when Lily acted out the second half of her plan.

"Student out of bounds!" Lily yelled, launching herself at Sirius and tackling him to the ground. "That's what you get for breaking rules, you disrespectful miscreant!"

"What's this? What's happening?"

Filch was suddenly there. Him and his damn anorexic cat.

"Oh. Mr. Filch, sir. I didn't see you there," Lily said, standing and wiping off her robes. "I would have left him for you to take care of if I'd known."

The creepy old caretaker took in the scene before him: one of the school's most notorious pranksters lying on the ground in a heap and the redheaded prefect that cursed students handling the situation. He'd never wished he were a wizard more than at that moment, able to hex the boy. As it was, he wasn't even able to beat the students! But this girl didn't have to report directly to the headmaster. She'd never been caught for her punishments before.

"Evans?" Filch asked, confirming her identity.

"Yes, sir," Lily said.

"You'll see he's properly punished?"

"Of course."

"Like the Ravenclaw boy with welts?"

"Yes."

"And how many points?"

"Fifty, sir," Lily said. "It would be more, but McGonagall set a limit."

The grungy man nodded at her, shot one last look at the student on the ground, and was about to say something when Peeves appeared and kicked him in the back of the head. He was chasing after the poltergeist a moment later, leaving Sirius and Lily, never noticing the way she was lacking a badge.

Lily bent over and offered Sirius a hand up. He looked at it with wide eyes, looked at her, and then got up himself.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, rubbing his hip as if it hurt.

"Well, I saw Filch, and then you spoke aloud and he was coming over so I took action," Lily said, starting to walk down the corridor. Sirius followed.

"Took action? You bloody well tackled me to the ground."

"Well," Lily said reasonably, "it won't have had quite the same impact on Filch if I'd tried to tackle you and your shoulder hadn't touched the ground."

"You could have broken my shoulder!" he complained.

"Oh puh!" Lily said. "I cast a Cushioning Charm on the ground. You were perfectly safe."

"And then he just left us alone, and what's this about taking fifty points off Gryffindor? And the Ravenclaw with welts?"

And so Lily explained about her relationship with Filch, about the way that Remus and she picked up the students he collected and convinced them to complain loudly about welts and bruises and beatings in general. The points, she said, were never actually taken off as she didn't actually have her badge on her.

"Just to be clear, you tackled me to the ground," Sirius recounted.

"Yep," Lily said, walking up to a wall and pushing the panel aside before walking forward.

"And then you convinced Filch not to take any points away or even give us a detention because you flat out lied to him," Sirius continued the story, following her into the secret passage.

"Yep," Lily lit her wand and kept walking. She heard feet jogging and then found Sirius's arm around her shoulders. He was a very touchy-feely person, wasn't he? Lily really wished he wasn't. She certainly wasn't. She had personal space and she liked it when other people respected those boundaries. Sirius did not.

"I am so glad to have met you, Lily," Sirius said.

"Um. Thanks?" Lily replied, unsure how she ought to reply to that statement as she ducked out of Sirius's grasp.

"No. Really. We're going to have a great time together."

"If that's your way of asking me out, I hope you know that'll never happen," Lily said, throwing his phrase from earlier that night back in his face.

"No. No. Not dating," Sirius replied, shaking his head and not seeming phased by her brilliant insult. "But I have this feeling like we'll be seeing a lot more of one another from now on."

"There is a joy in my heart that I can hardly suppress," Lily deadpanned. Sirius laughed, smiling at Lily.

"Oh yes. This'll be great."

"Your enthusiasm is a little overwhelming," Lily said, opening the other panel and stepping out.

"And you know about secret passage ways, and there was that weird night when I thought we were under attack last year. Oh, I didn't believe him, but he was right about you last night. You're more than you appear," Sirius said.

"That's funny," Lily replied, stepping away from him a bit. "Gertrude once told me I was exactly as she expected, exactly as I appeared."

"Gertrude's a girl," Sirius replied. "Plus, she's observant. I just thought you were great at shutting down James. It was fun to watch. Didn't know you were a spitfire _all_ the time. I would have hung out with you more often."

"Oh, think of the years we missed," Lily said sardonically.

"Don't worry," Sirius replied cheerfully. "We'll make it up in the years to come!"

"Again with the overwhelming joy," Lily said, taking a left turn and beginning to climb a staircase that conveniently moved up a couple of levels, which meant it was closer to Gryffindor tower.

"I remember you yelling at James after the Defence O.W.L.s," Sirius recalled, and Lily felt like the air was sucked right out of her as a wave of embarrassment hit her. "James was so embarrassed after that. Oh yeah. That was great. But if you liked him, why were you yelling at him?"

"Could we please not talk about this?" Lily asked, still trying to breathe normally after the shock of the subject change. That was one memory Lily wished she could _Obliviate_.

"Oh, I understand. You're scared that I'll tell Jamsie. Don't worry. I won't. I promise."

"And you reek of sincerity," Lily said sarcastically. "But I'm not worried about James. He already knows. I just don't want to think about this."

Why had she even mentioned this to Sirius? Why? Was she a complete and utter idiot? No. He'd already known. James had told him. It didn't matter what she said.

"Come on. Open up. Tell Sirius your problems. After all, that's what best friends are for," Sirius said sweetly. Lily turned after stepping off the staircase to face him.

"Best friends? Sirius, this is probably the first time I've spoken to you outside of class. I think calling us friends at all would be a stretch," Lily said, turning and walking away.

"Okay. We're secret best friends," Sirius declared. Lily let out a bark of laughter.

"So secret that even we didn't know," Lily finished.

"Exactly. Glad to know you're intelligent too." Sirius didn't seem at all bothered by Lily's attempts to make him leave her alone.

"Look, there's the Fat Lady."

"So now you have a choice," Sirius said. "Either talk to me about this now or wait until we're in the common room."

"No!" Lily exclaimed, stopping walking. "We don't talk about this in the common room. Or ever. Ever would be better, but definitely not where other people could hear."

"So tell me now." He had that damnable twinkle in his eye. "Why'd you yell at Jamesie?"

"It's just because-- ugh. I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. I haven't told anyone but Sam this. Ever."

"What about Tracy?"

"Tracy figured it out."

"You haven't talked to Tracy about any of this, have you?" he asked, his eyes widening. "This is going to be great."

"I _really _wish you would stop saying that."

"Okay. So tell me."

"No."

"Please?" Sirius whined, walking forward and wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Lily stepped away quickly.

"Wow. That's an annoying tone of voice," Lily snapped. "Listen to me, Sirius Black. I don't talk about this with anyone, let alone with a stranger--"

"A secret best friend forever," Sirius interrupted, slinging his arm around her and leading her toward the portrait.

"Wait. Really. We aren't ever mentioning this in the common room."

"Of course not," Sirius said, agreeing adamantly. "I bet you yelled at him because you thought he was being a jerk."

"No," Lily said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I yelled at James because, like I said before, Snape's my lover and I couldn't stand to see him hurt."

"Yet you chose James as your partner in Transfiguration today."

"Duh. It was between him and Snape. I hate Snape. A lot," Lily replied. Then stopped. "Wait. How do you remember that?"

"James is my best friend. I know everything about him, including who he partners with," Sirius replied, waving a hand.

"Really?" Lily asked as Sirius said the password to the portrait. "Then where is he at this moment?"

"That's easy: in our dorms sulking because he's already cursed everything all over the room and yelled himself hoarse, being calmed by Samantha and Tracy."

"Did they have a fight?" Lily asked. Sirius laughed. Hard. "What?"

"Nothing. This is just-- you have no idea. This made my night. My day. My month. Maybe my year. This is perfect. You having a crush on--"

Lily leapt forward and covered his mouth with her hands, leaning in very close and saying, "Not in the common room. Not ever. Understand? You promised you wouldn't talk about this."

She let her hands move so he could answer. "Oh. I won't tell him. Or mention him. We'll call him Sputnik."

"Sputnik?" Lily repeated. "Could you be any more random?"

"So why'd you yell at Sputnik?"

Figuring answering him would be the fastest escape and that he already knew the worst parts, Lily told him, "I liked him a lot and he just made a fool out of me. He was a jerk to everyone, respected no one, and in general made me feel stupid for having my crush."

"You know, that's exactly what she said you'd say. Not about the crush part, but about the reason for yelling and hating – or seeming to hate – James."

"She who?" Lily asked.

"She the voice in my head that councils me on matters of interest."

"You're a fast liar," Lily praised.

"As are you, I'm learning. Tackling people."

"Why would I be a matter of interest to you?"

"Oh, you know, I have to look out for my friends."

"We're not friends."

"I wasn't referring to you. My friend that's interested in you. I used to think he was crazy. Laughed. But you. Oh, you'll do," Sirius said, nodding at her.

"Glad to know I pass your inspection."

"Always. You're my secret best friend," Sirius said.

"_Forever_," Lily added.

"So you acknowledge how close we are at last!" Sirius proclaimed. Lily shook her head and threw him a dirty look.

"Why's your friend interested in me?" Lily asked, needing to receive some sort of closure after this conversation.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's it about me that interests him? Does he need to get out of some detentions or something?" Lily asked, but Sirius didn't respond. He grinned, shook his head and turned toward his dorm, chuckling under his breath every now and again.

Oh, Lily felt like an idiot. She had just trusted her most private secret to the best friend of her crush. She'd just trusted a stranger with information she hadn't offered to Tracy or Christine. But then again, wasn't that exactly what she'd done with Gertrude-- trusted her immediately too? And, for that matter, hadn't she done the same thing with Kevin, Timothy, Sam, and Christian?


	15. Flashbacks

**Chapter 15**

**Flashbacks**

"Lilee!" Oh how Lily hated Sirius Black's voice when he wanted to be annoying.

"Sireee!" she called back across History of Magic classroom, mimicking the way he said her name.

"I saved a seat for you," Sirius asked, waving her over to sit beside him (incidentally also next to James, who was muttering under his breath at Sirius and did not even meet her gaze). Lily wanted to smack Sirius over the head. And then melt into the floor from shame and pretend like James could at least stand her.

"Do you remember that joy in my heart?" Lily asked Sirius.

"The one that overflows every time you see me or hear about Sputnik?" Sirius asked, a knowing smirk on his face as he raised an eyebrow and shot a quick glance at James. Lily wanted to hex him right then.

"Oh, yes," Peter put in, looking up at Lily with large, innocent eyes. "I've heard about Lily's obsession with the Russian Muggle space program. You really have a thing for satellites, huh?"

Lily shot Sirius a glare, an accusing glare. He shrugged innocently back before patting the seat beside him. Lily put her things down on the desk next to Christine and walked toward him. There were still a few minutes before class started.

"Sirius, can I talk to you in the hall really fast?" Lily asked, smiling her deadliest smile and desperately trying not to notice the scowl that spread on James's face as she spoke to his friend. Like he didn't even want to be associated with Lily in the most distance of ways. _Well, tough, _Lily thought. _You date one of my friends, I am allowed to at least speak to your best friend._ Sirius smirked, stood and followed her out of the room.

"Is this the secret part of our bestest friendship?" Sirius asked in the hall, seeing that no one was out there.

"Yes, the part where I flick you a lot," Lily said, leaning forward and flicking his shoulder with her right forefinger. Sirius turned to stare at his shoulder with a look of abject horror on his face.

"What did I do to deserve that?"

"You told Peter," Lily accused, flicking him again.

"Smart bloke, that one. Figured it out on his own," Sirius said, shrugging. "Actually remarkable, that, as no one else seems to have caught on yet."

"Not for lack of you mentioning it all of the freaking time!" Flick. Flick. "The way you keep prattling on about Russian space programs might be a give away." Flick.

"If you'd prefer for me to use his name-"

"No!" Lily exclaimed, cutting him off as she lowered her hand to her side. "But why'd Peter have to find out? I didn't want anyone else to know. It's so embarrassing."

"You have no idea," Sirius said, smiling.

"Does Remus know too?" Lily asked.

"I could tell him if you want," Sirius offered. Flick.

"Don't you dare," Lily said. "Recently, we've had great patrols. I don't want them to become awkward again."

"Great patrols, eh? Does Sputnik know?" Sirius asked with a wink. It sounded a lot like a sexual innuendo to Lily, but with Sirius everything sounded like an innuendo. Flick. Flick.

"You've been harassing me about this since February-- ever since you found out. Doesn't it ever get old?" Lily asked, her arms falling to her sides. Sirius just winked and walked back into the classroom. This whole situation was giving Lily an ulcer.

Sirius and she had gone on one walk together over a month and a half ago and now he felt it was his moral obligation to remind her of her crush on James at every possible opportunity. Especially in front of James. And if Lily wasn't forcing herself to be in complete denial, she would suspect that James knew exactly what Sirius was doing. But it was almost impossible for her to pretend that James was oblivious what with the way he always looked so irritated when Sirius called Lily over to sit with him, to partner with him in class, to just walk over so that he could harass her.

It was obvious to Lily (though she was still working on the denial thing) that James knew what Sirius was doing and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Not even friendship.

Secretly, she was forcing herself to be okay with that because she had her eyes on a new bloke – a bloke she was willing to tell no one about until she was sure she could like him without feeling overwhelming amounts of embarrassment. Well, okay, maybe she already liked him. He certainly wasn't the best-looking bloke in the world, but he listened, and he seemed to naturally understand what she was comfortable talking about and what she wasn't. He challenged her-- questioned her beliefs, her positions of policy, and even her magical concerns. He accepted nothing and in return, Lily questioned him. Plus he could make her laugh like no one else.

Yes, Remus Lupin was certainly the total package.

Truth and Dare had been discarded by the third good patrol, replaced by Lily's explanation of sickle bets. They had only exchanged a sickle between them. Needless to say it had passed hands quite a few times.

****

"_So you remember our pranks?" Remus asked at the beginning of their patrol._

"_Random question much?" Lily asked. It was the Tuesday after their first good patrol, two days after the stressful walk with Sirius._

"_No. You told Will McGrath about them last patrol," Remus explained._

"_Oh. That's right. Well, of course I know about your pranks," Lily said, playing with her favourite Muggle toy as she walked: a yoyo. Up and down the thing went. "Everyone knows about them."_

"_Do you enjoy them?"_

"_I think most of them are hilarious."_

"_Well, you know, we _are_ pretty hilarious people."_

"_And humble too," Lily laughed, nudging him with her left shoulder as she continued to play with the yo-yo._

"_You mean that wasn't just another un-thoughtful, conceited comment?" Remus asked. Lily almost stopped yo-yoing as she recognized the reference to the words she'd told James in Transfiguration two days before._

"_Nope," Lily replied, "because I know you don't mean it."_

"_How do you know that?"_

"_Because I've known you for two years and that is the first time I've ever heard you compliment yourself," Lily said. "Thus it was probably sarcastic."_

"_Well, that's not really a good way to judge. I've hardly spoken to you in those years."_

"_Do you want me to think you're conceited?" Lily questioned._

"_Nope. I was just checking to see where funny stopped and conceited started. Apparently you don't know either."_

"_I'll make you a deal. Any time I think you're being conceited or arrogant, I'll tell you so. Will that work?"_

"_It's a deal."_

"_Good. Side note: you are a liar."_

"_Liar? Me?" He gave her a horrified look. Lily laughed good-naturedly and looked at him, taking her eyes off her yo-yo long enough for it to hit a stone and fall limp on the string._

_Lily, winding the yo-yo back on the string, said, "You sound just like Sirius," _

"_Ewwww."_

_Lily laughed, letting her yo-yo drop again._

****

_And during their third fun patrol (Lily was beginning to think of them as 3 W.C.—with conversation), they started playing Truth or Dare again for the last time. _

"_Truth," Lily said, as the pair began climbing to the Divination Tower where they had been assigned to start that night._

"_How'd you do on the history test?" Remus asked. _

"_I did all right," Lily replied. _

"_That's not an answer," Remus protested._

"_Yes it is. It's just not specific."_

"_Cheater." Remus was smirking at her as Lily turned to glare at him._

"_Excuse me," Lily said, smiling, "but you're the one that manipulates the wording of the rules so often that it's hard for me to be sure that we're still playing the same game."_

"_And now you're just trying to distract. How'd you do?"_

"_Fine," Lily said, turning to look back at the stairs. "I got an O."_

"_What?" Remus asked. "Then why didn't you want to tell me?"_

"_I don't like talking about marks."_

"_But you have such good marks," protested Remus. "I don't understand."_

"_I don't know. It sounds like bragging."_

"_I asked."_

"_It still sounds like bragging, and I have no desire to sound like—" Lily cut herself off as they reached a landing. _

"_Like James?" Remus asked. And Lily was annoyed to find that with each patrol Remus seemed more and more able to understand her pattern of thought and finish her sentences for her. _

"_I wasn't thinking of him in particular," Lily lied lightly._

"_Yes you were." And he sounded so sad that Lily looped her arm through his. It would have been difficult to decide who was more shocked by this random physical gesture: Lily, who was very unused to feeling so comfortable with a practical stranger, or Remus who stiffened, then relaxed and looked even more depressed._

"_I know he's your friend. I'm sorry," Lily apologized._

"_Why do you hate him?" Remus asked, turning to her. Lily laughed a self-mocking laugh and unhooked her arm from his._

"_Obviously you haven't spoken to him lately." She looked away as she tried not to remember that horrible look on his face when he had found out that she liked him._

"_What do you mean by that?" Remus asked. Well, if James wasn't about to tell his friend, Lily certainly wouldn't. It was bad enough that Sirius knew._

"_Just that everyone likes James."_

"_Except you," Remus muttered. Lily nudged him with her shoulder. When he looked over, she smiled at him._

"_I like _you_," Lily said, "and Sirius is convinced that he and I are secret best friends. Isn't being friends with two out of the four of you good enough?"_

"_That's only fifty percent," Remus remarked, seeming to force himself to sound carefree. "If it were an exam, you'd fail."_

"_Good thing life isn't graded then."  
_

"_It isn't?" Remus asked, shocked. "I think someone ought to tell Professor McGonagall. She'll be terribly disappointed."_

_Lily laughed, turned to Remus and said, "I think we're going to be really good friends."_

****

"_But I'm sure I'm boring you," Lily said, finishing her explanation of the Mayan culture for Remus on the fourth patrol W.C. He'd made a passing mention of Mayans, and Lily had started rattling off explanations of their numerical system. "I'll stop now."_

"_You don't have to stop. This is interesting," Remus protested. "Much more interesting than it sounded in class."_

"_Well, thanks, but I'm sure you don't care about ancient numerical systems that much," Lily said, waiting for him to open the door. They didn't bother to keep their voices down. That way, if anyone heard them, they would run off and they wouldn't have to catch them. If the other students heard and were still caught, then they definitely deserved to have the points taken off._

"_How do you know so much about the Mayans?"_

"_I know a lot of random things," Lily said. "My mum, in order to foster sisterly bonding, signed Petunia and I up for Spanish lessons when I was eight. We kept going for a long while, actually. Eventually, when we had learned plenty of Spanish, we started studying Spanish countries and their histories. Want to know anything about the Incas or Aztecs?"_

"_Do you still study it?"_

"_Spanish? No," Lily said, shaking her head and glancing out the hall window at the full moon rising._

"_Why'd you stop studying?" Remus asked._

"_My sister," Lily began, a smile on her face though her heart hurt, "didn't want to study anymore. Said she had too much real work."_

"_Oh. I understand," Remus said. And the thing was, Lily believed him. Honestly believed that he understood what it was to lose something you adored because it wasn't convenient for someone else._

"_Anyway, I was always more of a dork than she was," Lily said, trying to return to light-hearted conversation._

"_Do you two get along?" Well, apparently Remus did _not _wish to return to light-hearted. _

"_I'm set to be maid of honour at her wedding in August," Lily said, grimacing at the thought. How her mother had convinced Petunia (and Lily had no doubt that she'd been convinced) to ask Lily to be maid of honour, Lily had no idea. Petunia hadn't even written to tell Lily about the engagement. But still, Lily was sincere in her desire to rebuild her relationship with Petunia, even if the tone of her older sister's last letter made Lily want to rip her to shreds. _

"_You don't look especially excited about that," Remus noted. _

"_I am," Lily said. "It's just-- complicated." And it was, though Lily didn't want to have to explain it._

"_Always is," Remus said, reminding Lily of Mrs. Crouch talking about Christian. But more than that memory, Lily was filled with comfort. She really felt like Remus _did_ understand how easy it was to love and be frustrated by someone so much that it hurt._

"_All right. We're done with that, let's talk about happiness: butterflies and chocolate," Lily said authoritatively, waving her hand at him. "In Spanish: Hablamos de mariposas y chocolates!"_

_Remus smile grew even larger, until it seem poised to overtake his cheeks and nose. Then he said, "Wouldn't right now be a great time for me to speak a foreign language?"_

"_Yes, do you know any?"_

"_No. I barely know English," he said. "I can't believe you randomly studied Spanish. There are spells to translate for you."_

"_Where is the romance is casting a spell to translate for me? Where's the challenge, hmm?"_

"_You're--" he cut himself off._

"_A nerd?" Lily supplied. "Of course I am. Always have been. I'm learning to accept it. You ought to too."_

"_You're not a nerd, I never see you study."_

"_That's because we never hang out. I study for hours," Lily said. "I study Astronomy on Wednesdays and Charms all week."_

"_No. You don't understand." He paused and seemed to try to think of a good way to put this. "James, for instance, is a good Transfiguration student--"_

"_More like a Transfiguration prodigy," Lily corrected. "I've seen his work. Even McGonagall is impressed."_

_Remus looked at her with that look – the look that Lily was coming to associate with Remus: a mix of bewilderment and wonder, with just a hint in the furrowed brows that he was rapidly reassessing Lily and changing his opinion about her. Lily decided she liked that look._

"_Well, all right," Remus started again. "He's a Transfiguration prodigy, but he studies it all the time. Or he reads about it, at the least. He loves it-- working at it, learning new theories, reading articles in the _Prophet _about it. You're good at so much, but you don't seem to love anything."_

Well_, Lily thought_, that's true enough.

"_I'm working on that," Lily said._

****

"_You saunter," Lily commented to Remus later on in that fifth patrol W.C._

"_I what?" _

"_You saunter instead of walk," Lily said, "but only on patrols."_

"_Really? And I suppose you just walk?" Remus asked, exaggerating his leg and arm motions as he spoke._

"_Me? No, no, no," Lily said shaking her head, and using her right hand to indicate her legs. "I don't walk. I'm bringing back the lost art of meandering."_

"_Meandering?"_

"_Yes. I feel like meandering was lost and now I'm bring it back," Lily explained with a smirk as she focused on the end of the corridor they were walking through._

"_Like maraudering?" Remus asked. Lily's gaze flickered over to him._

"_I'm still unclear about your strange obsession with that word, but no, not like marauderig. I'm neither looting nor pilfering anything."_

"_Ah. Good to know the distinction," he said seriously._

"_Just thought you ought to know," Lily sang._

"_Can I call you Meanderer?"_

"_Can I call you Saunterer?" Lily returned._

"_I'm going to have to say no," he replied, eyes twinkling._

"_Then I will have to say no as well," Lily said sadly, shaking her head. "It's too bad, though. We really could have used a pair of good pet names."_

"_Pet names?" Remus shook his head in horror and corrected her slowly, "Secret names. Code names. Anything but pet names. I'm a bloke for goodness sake."_

"_Oh, right. I'd forgotten, Sweetums." Lily smirked._

"_Sweetums?"_

"_Oh, sorry, Poppet, do you not like your code name?" Now she grinned._

"_Sometimes you confuse me a great deal," Remus stated._

"_And sometimes you want to give me a present-- a large white one with a big red bow."_

"_Oh all the time," Remus said sarcastically, but Lily saw that he too was smiling._

****

And then there was the moment the night before, when Remus and she had seen Mrs. Norris coming around a corner and Remus had leaned down and whispered in Lily's ear.

"_Sickle if you tackle Filch to the ground." And the feel of his breath against her ear did marvellous things to the rest of her body. Oh her hormones were getting out of control._

_Lily looked down the hall, back into Remus's challenging gaze, grabbed his arm and pulled him behind a suit of armour, quickly Disillusioning them both. And standing there, in order to fit, Lily had been basically molesting Remus. At least, she felt that way. He hadn't seemed to notice, but this was definitely as close as she had ever been with Christian and they'd dated for three months. Actually, that thought just made her feel pathetic._

_But there had been no time to dwell on that as she watched Mrs. Norris pass by, eying the niches carefully. She panicked for a moment, wondering if she'd performed the Disillusionment Charm correctly. But when the cat kept walking she breathed a sigh of relief and Cushion Spelled the floor. And when Filch walked by, she took a deep breath and yelled, "Student out of bounds!"_

****

Oh yes, Lily remembered. That had been a great moment. Not only had she gotten the sickle back, but the look of horror, admiration, and humour on Remus's face as he saw Filch scramble up off the ground made her smile even days later.

"What are you smiling about?" Sam asked, pulling Lily out of her reminiscent state of mind.

"Nothing," Lily said, "just something that happened on patrol."

"Remus still talking?" Sam asked, walking into the History classroom.

"Yep."

"That's good." Sam put her things down next to Christine, shoving Lily's things aside.

"Sam?" Lily said, pointing to her books. "I was sitting there."

"You were?" Sam asked, mock innocently.

"Christine," Lily said, catching her friend's attention. "Tell Sam I was sitting here."

Christine glanced at Sam and then back at Lily and shook her head, telling Lily, "She's looking at me in a really angry way."

"I'm looking at you in a really frustrated way," Lily informed her friend.

"Yes, but Sam's scary," Christine said.

Oh how Lily hated her two friends at that moment, Christine for obviously not feeling frightened of her and Sam for so obnoxiously smirking.

"There seems to be a place next to Sirius in the back," Sam said, sitting and pointing. Lily glanced back and saw Sirius ostentatiously patting the seat next to him. James, though Lily promised herself she didn't care, was still glaring at his book. Lily turned back to Sam.

"Hello, best friend?" Lily whispered. "Where is your supportive side? I can't just sit by him."

"I _am_ being supportive. You're just too thick to realize it. I think it's time you started mending things with James."

"Mending what things? He hates me. That doesn't need mending, it needs serious surgery."

"Oh you and your silly Muggle phrases," Sam said, as if _that _had been the point of Lily's comment.

"I'm not the one that won't speak to him," Lily lied. She knew very well that they were both being equally uncomfortable around the other.

"Liar!" Christine said. Always on top of things, that one.

"Yes, Lily. You are lying. Go away now," Sam said loftily as she arranged her things on the desk. Lily briefly considered banishing all of Sam's stuff onto Sirius's desk but thought that would draw even more attention to an already awkward situation.

"Today we will be studying…" Oh great. And now Professor Binns was there.

"I strongly dislike you at this moment," Lily whispered to Sam and she picked up all of her books and bag – the mess that it was – and moved to the back of the room.

"What was that, Secret Best Friend?" Sirius asked. Lily glared again.

"Nothing. I was just saying good afternoon," Lily replied, putting her things on the desk and then sitting sulkily there all class as Sirius looked entirely too proud of himself and James looked depressed. Yes, Lily was definitely feeling irked with Sam at that moment. She scrunched up a piece of parchment and launched it at Sam's head from the back.

Unfortunately, Lily's aim wasn't too fantastic and it bounced off her friend's head and straight through Professor Binns.

"Nice shot," Sirius said none too quietly. "What was it?"

"A ball of parchment," Lily answered. "But don't worry about it. I just felt like Sam really needed something thrown at the back of her head."

The stifled laughter to her left and right made her feel a tad bit better.

"Ten points from Gryffindor." Lily (and, though she didn't realize it, the entire back section of the class) turned to stare at Jodie, the Ravenclaw prefect glaring at Lily.

"Jodie," Lily said. "Sam _really _deserved it."

"You can't disrupt a class to settle petty squabbles." Oh, if there weren't three desks between them, Lily would have smacked the girl.

"Disturbed the class? This conversation isn't even disturbing the class. He just keeps talking." Seeing Jodie was unmoved by her speech, Lily looked at Kevin Creggie beside Jodie who shrugged his shoulders apologetically. Argh. Lily _really _wished History of Magic weren't a class everyone had to take, and thus a class they still had to share.

But Lily did not want to fight about it. Instead, Lily turned back to her parchment and began scratching out notes as the other students fell asleep. Lily always thought that was rather dumb. Sleeping only meant you had to read the book, something Lily adamantly avoided doing. Thus, she took notes and listened in class. It was practically the only studying she did for the class and she would not let some petty prefect take that from her.

****

But prefects seemed destined to ruin her week.

The prefect meeting had only just begun and it already felt like it had been dragging on for hours (days, years, decades, and lifetimes too). Diana was drawling on about something or other and Lily and Matt were playing a game of tick-tac-toe. Actually, about ten games of tic-tac-toe. Both had yet to win a game and both agreed that tying sucked. Remus had gone home again, though he'd promised Lily he would be back by the following night in time for their patrol.

"So does anyone have any suggestions?" Diana asked, opening the floor for all the prefects to speak. Matt and Lily turned to the group.

All around the table people were shifting in their seats. Diana had probably just asked for "fun ideas" that the prefects could implement that the student would enjoy. The purpose of such ideas was still lost on Lily, but she wasn't about to tell Diana she was an idiot for wanting to do something to make students happy.

"I was thinking about an all-school secret gift exchange," Jenna said, standing.

"The scale and our subsequent inability to control such a secret exchange would create havoc," Gertrude said before Diana could finish nodding her head in enthusiasm.

Jenna was not to be deterred. She suggested several ways to make the exchange possible- each of which Gertrude found fault it. This was definitely the most Lily had ever heard her speak.

"We could have a bake sale!" Jodie suggested, taking advantage of Jenna's disheartened look.

"Which would involve what?" Barbantio, the Slytherin male, asked. Lily was thoroughly and completely shocked to hear him speak. What was going on? She looked confusedly at Gertrude, who met her look with a challenge in her eyes.

Oh. Frick. Gertrude was volunteering information because she wanted Lily to do the same. Frick. And because Gertrude had done what Lily had never done – spoken up in these meetings – Lily knew she had to do the same. Frick.

"We would have different booths and things with cupcakes and breads and sweets that the students would purchase."

"Purchase for what purpose?"

"Well, we could use fake money," Jenna said. "And give the money away instead of points in class."

"So that the students could pay for food items they could pick up at any meal?" a fifth year Ravenclaw asked.

"If we give them money instead of points," a seventh year Hufflepuff pointed out, "then the house cup at the end of the year could be debated."

"And would we take the 'money' away or the points?" Kevin Creggie asked.

"This meeting is meant to be brainstorming. Let's try constructive criticism," Matt inserted.

A few 'constructive criticisms' later, Jenna's idea was gone, as was the seventh year Hufflepuff's idea of bring in a professional Quidditch team because they did not have the funds for it. The feeling that settled on the room was unnerving. As the group prattled on, Lily let her mind return to the dinner with Gertrude so long ago, the night after her walk with Sirius…

"_You ought to speak in class," Gertrude told Lily after the two had exchanged 'pleasantries' outside the door of the Great Hall, where they met before walking toward the kitchen._

"_What do you mean?" Lily asked, wishing that sometimes Gertrude could just be a normal friend that didn't notice the little things that other people tended to miss._

"_In class, you never volunteer."_

"_I volunteer," Lily protested. _

"_No, you don't, not unless you're called on. In Transfiguration, for example, when McGonagall asked for someone to demonstrate the spell motion of the protective transfiguration, you didn't raise your hand."_

"_How do you know I didn't know how to do it?"_

"_Because McGonagall forced you up there and you proved that you knew not just the hand motion, but also the spell."_

"_Well, okay. You caught me," Lily mumbled, wishing this long day would end. She'd never felt that way around Gertrude before, but after that horrendous History of Magic episode with Jodie and then Sirius insisting she sit by him in Arthimancy too – sit next to James and just feel worthless and like an intruder – she just wanted to sleep._

"_Why didn't you volunteer?" Gertrude asked again as they stopped in front of the picture of the fruit._

"_I don't like showing off," Lily answered, though she was certain Gertrude knew her answer before she'd said it. Lily tickled the pear._

"_It's more than that," Gertrude claimed, walking down the stairs. "You don't like showing people when you're just genuinely good at things."_

"_I'm not good at Transfiguration," Lily protested._

"_You scored in the top ninth percentile," Gertrude said._

"_Of all Hogwarts O.W.L.s?" Lily asked. She'd come to accept the fact that Gertrude simply knew some things._

"_Of all O.W.L.s – at Hogwarts and around the world."_

"_What are you, a fount of hidden information?" Lily asked, more to distract Gertrude from the line of conversation than to receive an answer._

"_My parents keep me informed."_

"_About me?"_

"_About all the best students."_

"_And I'm one of the best students at Hogwarts?" Lily scoffed, sitting at the table as the house-elves started covering the table in the best Italian cuisine._

"_Yes, Lily, you are," Gertrude replied, deadpan. Lily laughed and waved her off. She wasn't in the mood to be falsely flattered._

"_No I'm not," Lily scoffed. "I'm not very powerful at all"_

"_No. You aren't. But what you lack in power, you make up for in art." _

"_What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, pouting. "Why are we talking about this? Can't we just chat about the weather or the news? Hell, I'd settle for chatting about Voldemort. Just something straightforward."_

"_That protective transfiguration spell--"_

"_You know, we could say it's cold, the Ministry is having elections, and he's evil," Lily suggested._

"—_involved converting both curse and charm magic into Transfiguration magic," Gertrude continued, pretending like Lily hadn't offered perfectly good alternative conversation topics. "I can't do that spell. Not yet anyway, and not until I study a lot more."_

"_Well, I did study a lot to do it," Lily said._

"_Not enough to justify that level of skill. Quit degrading yourself, Lily, and accept that you are a gifted witch, with special abilities to manipulate magic," Gertrude said, picking up her fork and eating her penne rossa._

"_I thought we agreed that I wasn't powerful," Lily commented, cutting her fettuccini alfredo._

"_I didn't say you were. You don't have to be to be a formidable opponent."_

"_Oh eff it," Lily mumbled, realizing that he curiosity was peaked. "Could you clarify please?"_

"_For instance, Barbantio, my prefect partner, and James Potter are probably the two most powerful wizards in our year, but neither of them could have undone your spell."_

"_Why not? How do you know that?"_

"_Because McGonagall kept the stone you conjured and transfigured, and Barbantio and I tested it."_

"_Wow. You guys have too much time on your hands," Lily stated. "But that doesn't mean anything. It wasn't a powerful spell at all. Dumbledore, McGonagall, or Flitwick could have sneezed and broken it."_

"_Yes, because they are very powerful and skilled, but you do it naturally."_

"_Do what naturally? I still don't get it."_

"_Weave magic. Combine magic."_

"_Wow. Sparse with the language tonight, aren't you?" Lily asked, still annoyed as she twirled her noodles. "But what does weaving have that power doesn't? Nothing, because power is more important."_

"_No," Gertrude said, putting down her fork briefly and locking eyes with Lily. "While it would be ideal to be a combination of powerful and a weaver, both can be formidable weapons."_

"_Right," Lily said sarcastically._

"_Imagine that a powerful wizard were to ward himself repeatedly, build a magic wall to protect himself, and reinforce those wards with more wards," Gertrude said. "It'd be like a wall around him that a powerful but unskilled magician could only pass by destroying all of them, expending quite a bit of their magic. Only then -- and only if the opponent still had magical reserves for this sort of long battle -- would he be able to harm that wizard."_

"_And?" Lily asking, twirling the noodles and lifting a forkful to her mouth._

"_And you, though you aren't as powerful as that other wizard, would be able to manipulate your charm or curse or spell in such a way that it could sneak past those wards. It's like comparing a strong beater to a seeker. The first could do damage, if they tried hard enough, but the seeker wins the game."_

"_Wow. A Quidditch metaphor. I feel vaguely dirty."_

"_You are a natural seeker, Lily," Gertrude continued. "You have the ability to fly circles around your enemies, even if you can't produce a shield to withstand the power of their attacks. You don't have to. You can create other ways."_

"_And what does that mean?"_

"_That means that you can create spells that reinforce themselves, that can't be broken with sheer force, that have to be taken apart. You can create magical knots that have to be untied. Which is convenient, as it would confound a stupid, powerful wizard."_

"_Or an overconfident one," Lily said, thinking about Sam, Tracy, Christine, and the Game. "If I were to face an enemy that thought they knew everything I could do, that thought I was too weak to matter, but somehow hit them with one of these complex spells, they would be hurt because they wouldn't have known or even imagined that I could have done something like that."_

"_Correct," Gertrude said, picking up her fork and beginning to eat again, "but before you think that far ahead, you need to quit holding back."_

"_Aren't you just full of surprising orders and observations tonight."_

"_I'm not joking, Lily. Your house needs a leader."_

"_They have one," Lily said, thinking of James Potter. Even if Lily didn't (and she would swear that she didn't) still like him, she could see the way he collected loyal followers. She didn't understand it, why they would want such an egotistical leader, but she did see the way he could command a group. He made people love him. Lily sort of hated that about him._

"_They have an incomplete leader," Gertrude pressed._

"_What?" Lily asked, uncomprehending._

"_You can't keep holding back in class, hiding your skills and hiding you abilities. Your house and this whole school needs a leader, and you have to be it."_

"_What?" Lily was starting to feel redundant. "Even if that were true, why me? Why not you?"_

"_I'm not a Gryffindor," Gertrude replied._

"_What does that matter? If the school needs someone to lead them, let it be you."_

"_Lily, this is another instance when your tendency to believe all people to be like you hinders you," Gertrude said._

"_What do you mean by that?"_

"_Not all people easily forget a person's family."_

"_That's just stupid. You can't judge a person by their family," Lily said, stabbing one of the pieces of broccoli on the side of her plate. "If you did, you'd have to think I was as Muggle as they come, and mean and horse-faced and selfish and-- oops. I'm trying to be supportive. I like my sister. I do."_

_They sat in silence for a moment, stabbing broccoli and chicken, eating their different noodles. _

"_I wish the whole world were like you, Lily. I wish everyone were like you," Gertrude said so quietly that Lily wasn't sure she'd heard it. When their eyes met, Lily was surprised to see something like vulnerability there. But it was gone so quickly that Lily was sure she had been mistaken._

"_I don't wish anyone were like me," Lily said. "Then everyone would be neurotic and jumping to all sorts of strange conclusions that have no base in reality. They'd be too loud and too mean. No one would ever shut up, and everyone would sunburn because of the light skin. And anyway, you hate me."_

"_I don't hate you, Lily. I hate the idea of you. But as a person, I respect you a great deal." Lily felt a flush of pride to hear that someone she respected respected her. Then she processed the rest of her statement._

"_What do you mean you hate the idea of me?" Lily asked._

"_If Muggle-borns hadn't been admitted into Hogwarts, none of this would be happening right now," Gertrude said, looking down._

"_None of what? The attacks?" Lily asked. "Of course they'd still be happening. Voldemort just wanted an excuse. He found it in Muggle-borns."_

"_But the purity of blood is the way he recruits. And it's effective because others believe it too."_

"_Others like your family?_

"_Yes. Like them and like others."_

"_Like Sirius's family?" Lily pressed, asking more than she had intended to. But it intrigued her, what Gertrude and Sirius had spoken about all those long nights ago._

"_Yes."_

"_But he ran away from them," Lily said._

"_Yes, he did," Gertrude said. "But Sirius was always a strange character, like a house elf that wants freedom."_

_And Lily didn't say anything to that, though privately she wondered if Gertrude also wanted freedom. If Gertrude was going to dedicate herself to Lily's "side" (an idea Lily tried not to think about; it was weird), did that mean that she too would be giving up her family? Lily couldn't imagine Gertrude giving up her family for anyone._

_Lily didn't know much about the Slytherin, but she certainly knew what she valued. For Gertrude to turn her back on her family- it would mean she was risking shaming (and maybe hating) herself. _

_If this blonde haired, blue-eyed Slytherin was willing to risk so much, maybe Lily ought to think about simply raising her hand in class a few times…_

Lily looked around at the group. They had been discussing various ideas that Lily hadn't even listened to, and all around the room they looked angry and irritated and tired. They looked nothing like the group of students Lily had chatted with on the train home at the end of her fifth year. What had changed so completely in those short nine months?

"My sister's school does this thing that seems pretty interesting," Lily began, looking warily around the table at the fifth, sixth, and seventh year pairs and McGonagall silent in the corner. "It's sort of like the bake sale and the secret gift exchange combined?"

"Why would we do that, when both those ideas didn't work?" Jenna asked snidely. Lily looked at her in surprise. Hadn't they been friend, before the pressure of prefects?

"We could have pre-made pieces of parchment that the students could write on--"

"What a novel idea," Jodie muttered.

"They would write messages of gratitude to their friends," Lily continued. "We would have drop boxes placed throughout the corridors. The parchment will have a space for them to be addressed, but the message itself will not reveal itself until the addressee touches it."

"How do you keep the messages--"

"From being cruel?" Lily finished the seventh year Gryffindor's question. He nodded. "We charm the paper to reject any ill intent. Hex it maybe and let everyone know that it's hexed so that if people write cruel things, their hand turns blue and they can't write anymore. And the boxes reject those notes."

"There are ways around hexes like that," Kevin said.

"Not if Dumbledore casts the spell," Lily said, folding her feet under her so that she was sitting Indian-style on the chair, getting progressively more excited about this idea. "Diana said were could use any resources we wanted, and I think asking the headmaster for a minute of his time to charm a bunch of parchment wouldn't be a ridiculous request."

"I can't believe you actually heard what Diana was saying," Kevin remarked across the table. Lily smiled.

"I'm hurt, Kevin," Lily said, holding her hand over her heart. "I always listen."

Everyone smiled at that, knowing she was lying.

"Even when you look like you're building a miniature model of Hogwarts?" joked that seventh year Hufflepuff girl Lily knew so well. People laughed a little.

"I still want to know who ate that last castle!" Lily exclaimed, and this time people laughed loudly and the mood of angry resentment was broken. Instead of being a group of students vying for the prominent position in this project, they all worked together to make Lily's idea work.

How, Lily wondered, had she known how to do that? To break the tension, she meant. She'd always taken it for granted that she could control a room. It wasn't something she necessarily thought she was _good _at, but when she was placed in front of a large group, she knew how to get the reactions she wanted. Away from those large groups, disinclined to wanting to be the centre of attention, Lily had no idea how she managed it.

"Instead of having charms, we could tell the students that we will read through all of the notes to ensure that they aren't mean," the fifth year Hufflepuff girl suggested.

"Yes," Lily agreed, nodding. "That could work. We could have a night to sort them – maybe one of the prefect meetings could be dedicated to it."

"Always trying to get out of meetings, eh, Lily?" Matt asked. The group laughed again.

"Why do we have to sort them? Why not just have the notes deliver themselves after they're placed in the boxes?"

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed, really excited. "We could put activation delivery charms on all of the notes that pass into the boxes. That way, the notes could all deliver themselves in a single day."

"Which we would have to name something corny like Friendship Appreciation Day."

"Perfect!" Lily said. The prefects laughed again.

"Of course," Matt sighed, though he too was smiling.

"We'd have to make sure everyone received a note," Lily cautioned.

"How could we do that without sorting?"

"More spells?"

"The prefects could be accountable for a different group of students," Diana suggested. "All of you, and Matt and I, would be required to write a positive note to everyone in that particular group and send it anonymously."

"And if the designated group was a year and house other than your own, we'd all learn more about people we probably didn't know," that fifth year Hufflepuff added. Lily beamed.

"Wonderful," Lily said, "but I think that we should forego the charms and have the sorting, to ensure that none of the notes were tampered with. And I think that the prefects should hand deliver the notes so that no one charms a parchment to look like a note and carry an angry message. If we hand them to everyone, they'll know they're legit."

"And you'll be able to miss even more class," quipped someone to Lily's left.

"I never said I didn't have alternative motives," Lily replied lightly. The others laughed. "We could schedule the passing out times around people's schedules, if they want to avoid missing class or if they want to avoid the horror that is Transfiguration we could work something out. Only joking, Professor McGonagall."

And so the idea progressed. Not much later a vote was held and, nominated by Gertrude Wrightman, Lily was elected Head of the Friendship Appreciation Day Committee (a truly ridiculous title).

****

Lily was still thinking about the different details involve in the F.A.D. project when she arrived at patrol the next night, which accounted for her silence at the beginning and her shock when Remus began speaking.

"So what's this I hear about you being interested in the Muggle space program?" Remus asked, opening the conversation. Lily felt panic at the reminder and then relief as she realized that he didn't know. At least Sirius hadn't told _everyone_.

"Nothing. Sirius is going batty."

"Going?"

"Yeah, whatever. He _is _batty. He found out about this guy I used to like," Lily explained. "And now he won't shut up about it."

"Guy you like?" Remus asked. Lily looked over at him and saw his eyes shining with interest. Again, she chose to ignore this. Remus would _never _like her. Right?

"Used to like," Lily said, and then, admitting more than she had with Sirius, added, "Actually, it kind of hurts to talk about."

"What happened?" And when Lily looked over at Remus, though she hadn't wanted to talk about this with anyone, not Sam, not Sirius, not even her mother, Lily looked into Remus's eyes and suddenly wanted to tell him everything.

"He broke my heart, actually," Lily said, trying and failing to maintain a light tone. Remus looked back at the corridor. The two of them had never discussed anything like this before. At least, not overtly, and Lily tried not to wonder what it meant that she trusted him. "He started dating one of my best friends and afterward he found out that I knew he knew I liked him, he quit speaking to me."

Lily figured Remus would be able to put it together, who her crush had been, but when he looked at her it was obvious he hadn't. He looked mad-- mad in a way no one had any business being mad at their best friend.

"What an idiot," Remus said, sounding like he was cursing. Lily smiled at him and once again found herself initiating physical contact by giving him a one armed hug.

"Thanks," Lily said as she retracted her arm, kind of embarrassed about the amount of affection she had just shown. "So anyway, what happened to you?"

"What?" he asked, jumping.

"What's happening in your love life?" Lily asked again, trying to less like she knew his heart had been broken recently.

"That's not what you asked," Remus said, catching her lie like he always did. Lily was beginning to think he was a diviner. "You asked what happened to me, like you knew."

"Well, I don't know," Lily said, looking away from him-- at the walls, at the paintings, at the ceiling. "I just assumed."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't know why I knew," Lily said again. "A bunch of things, I guess: the way you looked when I told you that story, the way you sounded, your body language."

"You're uncomfortable talking about how you knew that," he stated.

"It's weird to talk about. I don't want to pretend like I'm a Seer or something," Lily said, shrugging.

"That's awesome."

"It's nothing really."

"It's not nothing."

"No. I just-- understand people sometimes. This is so weird to talk about."

Remus only shook his head as Lily walked up to a door and opened it, which she convinced herself had more to do with fulfilling her role as a prefect rather than just pure desperation to get away from Remus at that moment. Unfortunately, she still had to face him when she returned and boy was he looking at her in a strange way.

"What?" Lily asked, uncomfortable.

"Nothing. You're just incredibly…"

"Perfect? Amazing? Beautiful?" Lily prompted, laughing.

"Humble," Remus finished.

"Humble?" Lily screwed her nose up in distaste. "Didn't you hear any of my suggestions just now?"

"Yeah, but no," Remus began. "You would have laughed if I'd said any of those things, and thought I was joking."

"As you would have been," Lily said, not understanding. "No one really thinks they're that great. Well. Okay. Some of your friends do. But aside from _them_."

"I guess that's fair," Remus said, frowning.

"Hey," Lily said in a softer voice. "I didn't mean you. I don't judge you by them."

"I know." But still he didn't sound like he understood. He sounded devastated.

"So anyway, what happened with this girl you liked?" Lily asked, deciding a complete change of subject was needed. Remus coughed into his hand, looked at her with wide eyes, and then straight-ahead.

"Didn't work out," he said simply.

"Why not?"

"She's too good for me." He didn't sound self-pitying. Just honest. He sounded like he honestly accepted the fact that this girl was out of his league. It was just a fact of life, he seemed to imply.

"Oh puh!" Lily exclaimed, making a dismissing gesture with her hands. "If she said that--"

"She didn't say it, but it's true. I see that now," Remus said in that same simple, honest tone. "I thought for a while that she felt I was beneath her, and I set out to prove her wrong, but I'm coming to realize that she would never say anything like that."

"Well, that's a bit better. I've found that people who think they're incredible are normally trying to make up for something," Lily said.

"Actually," Remus said with a hint of irony, "she thought _I_ was conceited."

"You?" Lily asked, shocked. "Obviously she's never spoken to you."

"Oh. She has. And she's right."

"Puh! She definitely is _not_."

"In any case, when she found out how I felt about her, she quit speaking to me. Avoids me like the plague.

"What a bitch," Lily said. Remus looked shocked and scandalized.

"You never curse," he said.

"Only when people deserve it," Lily said. "And a girl that avoids perfectly nice blokes just because she thinks she's too good for him deserves a good curse or two."

"I don't think she thinks she better than me, or anyone really," Remus said, considering, "but she does think I'm a jerk."

"And you just gave up?" Lily asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm not encouraging courting a girl that's so vain, but if you really like her, did you try to make her realize she was wrong about you? Maybe she's playing hard to get or something."

Remus laughed and shook his head, saying, "I don't think she's playing hard to get, but yes I'm a stubborn bastard and so I am still trying to convince her. Actually, I'm trying as we speak."

"Sent her an owl or something?" Lily asked, smiling.

"I sent her a friend."

"Not Sirius, right?" Lily asked, horrified. Remus laughed.

"I didn't send him, no, but I think they found each other anyway."

"You should watch out for that one," Lily cautioned, only half-joking about Sirius. "He has an annoying tendency to harass girls."

"And those girls have a tendency to start liking him," Remus said, but to Lily it sounded like a question, though she couldn't figure out why. She pulled a face.

"Really?" Lily asked. "Does he date a lot?"

"You don't know?" Remus asked.

"Well, I've only really begun speaking to him this year, a couple of months ago, actually. I was surprised he even knew my name, to tell you the truth."

"You've been in the same classes for six years," Remus said, laughter in his voice.

"Yes, but I mean, the only reason I knew his name was basically because McGonagall's always yelling it," Lily said. "She doesn't really have a need to call out my name in class."

"Sure," Remus laughed, "you're just the perfect, attentive student."

Lily smiled and said condescendingly, "No, no. I'm a wallflower."

"A wallflower?" Remus asked. "What's that?"

"A Muggle expression, I guess," Lily said. "The magical equivalent might be the Leaky Cauldron: eyes drift right over me."

Remus laughed again.

"What?" Lily asked, poking him in the side. He jumped away a little.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head as the smile lingered on his face. "I've just never imagined that you could think you were a 'wallflower'; everyone notices you."

"Oh, puh!" Lily said dismissively. "Everyone notices people like Sirius Black and James Potter. Not me."

Remus shook his head and took a sip of his juice before addressing her, saying, " I've never met anyone like you, Lily."

"Yeah, well," Lily said with a toss of her hair over her shoulder, "I am pretty unique."

"But you don't even believe that! You think you're a bloody wallflower!" Remus exclaimed, his smile growing as if to express his sheer disbelief. It's like he'd only just realized the number of pieces that his favourite puzzle had.

"Would you like me to draw up a list of adjectives that I actually believe could apply to myself?" Lily offered.

"That would be lovely."

"Lovely?" Lily repeated, shaking her head. "We're going to work on you so that this girl of yours thinks of you and thinks, 'Wow. Perfection embodied.' And then you can ignore _her _and make her regret ever turning away from you."

Remus just shook his head and looked vaguely- sad? Frustrated? Angry?

"We'll start with eliminating the word lovely from your vocabulary," Lily began, and Remus laughed, as Lily knew he would.

"What about you and your bloke?" Remus asked.

"What about him?"

"Are you working on nabbing him?" Remus looked sickened at the thought, and he didn't even know who the guy was. Wouldn't he be surprised to find it was James Potter-- his best friend, who had a _girlfriend_?

"Oh, he's a lost cause. We'd have to change too much about me. We'd have to make me cute, or at least pretty, to begin with, and I'm not very good at human transfiguration," Lily said in joking tones.

It took her a moment to realize that Remus had stopped walking. She turned to look at him questioningly. He was looking at her in a way that made Lily want to look anywhere rather than at him. And tears seemed to be nipping annoyingly at the corner of her eyes. What the hell?

"That's what you really think?" Remus asked. "That this bloke didn't like you because you're not--"

"Well, that and the girlfriend thing," Lily cut him off, not wanting to hear him repeat her insecurities. She didn't even like thinking about them, she'd only mentioned them because she thought he would take it as a joke. She thought the girlfriend comment, at least, would lighten the mood. Instead, it just made him lean toward her as she widened her eyes to keep the tears in them as opposed to her on her cheeks.

"Are you—um-- you know?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Lily said stubbornly, understanding his unfinished and mumbled question. Honestly. Why was she being so stupid about this? James had lots of reasons not to like her-- she yelled at him, she was too loud for him, she had been bloody attacked by the Dark Lord-- okay, maybe that last one had nothing to do with it, but Lily liked having an excuse. But even with that excuse, she couldn't help but wonder if it had more to do with the fact that she was by no standard pretty or sexy or anything like that. At the very least, she could have been cute. Instead, she had large eyes, a large nose, and a large mouth all squashed onto a little face.

"You look--"

"Like I'm going to cry," Lily finished. At least when she said it, she controlled it. "I know. I'm being silly. Sorry. I'll stop now."

"That's not--"

"Help!" cried a voice down the corridor. Both Remus and Lily instantly turned, wands drawn, to face the scared Gryffindor running down the hall.

"Christopher?" Lily called out. Remus turned to her in surprise, but she didn't notice as she was already running to meet the fifth year. "What happened?"

"It's Tom," the boy said, turning and running away from the prefects, leading them through various passages as he explained that his friend and he were out after hours, sneaking to Hogsmeade. They'd been drinking and when the staircase moved, Tom had fallen backward, sticking his hand in the sticking stair and falling off the bottom edge. Now he was stuck, midair.

While they knew what happened before they reached the area, Lily and Remus were still shocked by the sight of the boy, hanging. Luckily the stairs hadn't squashed him to death or anything. As she looked down at him, her hand automatically covered the place in her chest where it ached. Remus looked at her, but she was focused on the younger student.

"Tom?" Lily called out, standing at the end of the corridor, looking down at him hanging by his hand. Oh geez. She'd never realized how far it was from the top to the bottom of the hall. Was that what she floated over every time the stair detached?

"Lily?"

"Hey there, Tom," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "Remus and I are going to get you out, okay?"

"But I don't want to!"

"Is he still drunk?" Remus asked Christopher.

"A little," the fifth year admitted.

"The first thing we're going to do is sober you up, Tom," Remus said, stepping forward. Lily reached out and grabbed his wrist, trying to keep him from stepping too close to the edge. He looked questioningly at her.

"Fear of heights sort of thing," Lily explained quickly. Remus nodded and cast the spell from where he stood. And then Tom started yelling.

"Shhh! Tom. You're going to be okay," Lily said.

"Lily," Remus said, turning to her, "I know how to detach his hand, but I need you to levitate him up so that he doesn't fall, all right?"

"Okay. I can do that," Lily said quickly, turning back to Tom. She was glad Remus was there. She had been thinking about places to find rope to wrap around the boy.

"_Wingardium Leviosa_," Lily cast. Tom floated up a few feet and his whimpering lessened as the full weight of his body was no longer relying solely on his left wrist for support.

Remus crept forward and started prodding the step with his wand. Lily looked away, needing to focus on Tom and maintaining his height. She'd never levitated something for this long before. Not something this heavy anyway. Well, all right, his weight didn't matter, but Lily's focus kept wavering to his real dependency on her. If she let go of this spell, he would fall a very, very long way. The thought of how much control she wielded over him made her feel physically ill.

"Done," Remus said, standing back up. Lily lifted Tom further until the stairs shifted into place with an almost audible sigh. Then she placed him back down, where he collapsed and started thanking them both profusely. Thanks came from Christopher too.

"You're welcome," Lily said, "and you're very stupid."

Both boys shut up.

"I mean, honestly. You could have _died_, Tom." Their faces paled. "I don't mean to scare you, but I do. Do you think that you could have survived a fall like that?"

"Lily," Remus began quietly, looking at her with frighteningly large eyes and Lily was shocked to find that she was crying. _Oh. He must think I'm such a basket case. First the thing about how I look-- oh gosh did I really talk about that? – and now this. _

"Go back to Gryffindor right now," Lily commanded the two boys.

"Are you taking points off?" Christopher asked. Tom looked over at his friend with horror on his face, as though he was thinking what Lily was, _Did he really just have the gall to ask that?_

"Of course I'm taking points off," Lily said. "Second offense for both of you, so twenty points each right there, and another ten off for sheer stupidity in asking that question."

"That's fifty!" Christopher complained.

"The only reason you aren't losing a fifty _each _is because you had enough intelligence to at least find a prefect and ask for help," Lily finished.

"And we deserve it," Tom said. He, at least, had the decency to look horrified by what had just happened.

Tom, who was sober and looked honestly frightened, grabbed Christopher by his robes and started pulling him toward Gryffindor tower. Then he pushed him along and turned to address the prefects again.

"Thanks," he said, looking at them with sincere eyes. "I could have--"

"But you didn't," Remus finished.

"Still. Thanks." He looked at them both with horror and regret and guilt and blame all vying for top position on his face, before casting his eyes at the ground, turning and claiming the stairs. As he was walking away, Lily fought a battle within herself and finally lost.

"Tom?" she called out. He turned and looked questioningly at her.

"Yes?"

"Listen," she said in the calmest tone she could manage, climbing the stairs with Remus beside her. "It could have happened to anyone."

"What?" Remus asked, probably shocked by her abrupt change in attitude, but Lily just needed to tell Tom this.

"I know you know how serious this was," Lily said to the fifth year. "I know it scared you, and it scared me too, which is why I was yelling and everything, but it still could have happened to anyone. You're not the first to come back to school drunk. The stairs moved and you happened to be in a bad place. That's all."

"I made a stupid choice."

"To get drunk, maybe, but to fall down? No. That wasn't your fault."

"I could have grabbed--"

"No," Lily cut him off. "Listen to me, sometimes people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could have made it back to the tower just fine, if the circumstances had allowed it. But they didn't. You helped things along by drinking too much, but you didn't make this happen."

"Thanks," he mumbled, before leaving them alone as he climbed the stairs and disappeared from view into a corridor.

"What do you know? The badges actually helped someone find us," Lily quipped, trying to lighten the heavy silence.

"You-- you okay?"

"Yeah," Lily said, smiling without opening her mouth as she cast a look at Remus. "Sorry about all that. I feel like an emotional train wreck tonight."

"It happens."

"Not to me," Lily said petulantly. Then jokingly added, "Do you think that was enough excitement for one night? Let's cut out early."

"All right," Remus agreed. But as they climbed together he seemed to want to say something more. Lily looked at him with raised eyebrows and he finally said, "You know, that-- that scared me."

"Really?" Lily asked, surprised.

"Yeah," he said, sounding surprised at himself for admitting this information. "My hands were shaking as I was working on the stair."

"I didn't even notice," Lily said. "I was too busy worrying that if I dropped Tom he might very well have fallen to his- fallen really, really far."

"Yep, probably would have made a really big splattering sound." Lily choked out a bit of laughter out of pure shock. Had Remus really just said that? She looked at him. Yep. He had.

"That was a horrible comment," Lily said.

"Yeah, but come on. It was funny."

"Only because he survived," Lily agreed. "If he'd actually fallen it would have been kind of sad."

"But at least then Gryffindor wouldn't have lost any points. Can't take points off a dead kid or his best mate, can you?"

Lily laughed again in sheer horror. "That's terrible."

"Definitely."

But though it was terrible, it had also let Lily smile again and made the whole situation feel a little more distant. In fact, the more Lily thought about it, the funnier it seemed. The kids had been so drunk that he gotten stuck between the stairs and the wall. Lily knew Tom pretty well. The thought of him acting less than proper was funny in and of itself. For him to be pissed was fantastic.

"Just out of morbid curiosity," Remus began as the pair drew closer to the tower, "does your chest still hurt?"

"What?" That certainly hadn't been what she'd expected.

"Earlier, you were holding your chest like it hurt," Remus explained.

"Oh. Well. Yes, it did."

"Does it do that often?"

"Not really, no."

"Which is Lily-Speak for maybe three or four times a day," Remus interpreted. Lily nudged him with her shoulder.

"No, Mr. Detective. It only hurts when I do something stupid like run through several corridors and up a couple flights of stairs. Pomfrey said even that'll stop completely within the year."

"Within the year?" Remus exclaimed. "What couldn't she fix?"

"Well, it wasn't her. It was the healers at St. Mungo's after the Ball." Lily had never mentioned this to Remus before. Never mentioned this to anyone, actually, but it seemed natural to keep going. There was that feeling, still, like he understood. "From what Pomfrey could gather, the first curse that hit me caused my natural magical protection to waver so the second one actually reached my ribs and was still affecting them. The healers were so concerned with patching up the collapsed lung and broken ribs that they didn't think to check the bones for lingering curses. Pomfrey did, but said the spell had been there so long that it was going to take a lot longer to heal."

"What curse was it, to hurt you like that?"

Lily shrugged, "Something dark. It doesn't really matter. It hurt me, whatever it was, but now it's getting better."

"Aren't you angry?"

When Lily opened her mouth to reply, words seemed to fail her. She'd been prepared to answer questions about how she felt, questions about what it had been like. Hell, she'd even been ready for a sympathetic non-comment from Remus. But was she angry? She'd never thought about it. Sam and Tracy had asked if she was sad. They'd wanted her to cry. Dumbledore had told her to remember it all. The Inquisition wanted her to remember and move on. Gertrude had made her admit and realize she had no right to feel guilty. Everyone else just seemed to want to forget that it happened.

But did it make her angry?

Lily was surprised that she _was _angry. Very angry.

"Yes," Lily said wonderingly. "It does make me angry. Really angry."

"Good."

"Good?" Lily repeated, seeing the Fat Lady and trying to prolong this conversation. "Why good?"

"It's better than sad," Remus replied, shrugging. "Angry means you don't think you deserved it. Angry means you think something ought to be different."

Lily thought about that for a moment, then turned away and nodded, "I guess it does. But let's talk about something different. How about the Quidditch game this weekend? You going?"

"Of course."

"Why don't you and your friends sit with mine?" Lily asked in what she hoped to be a casual tone.

"What?"

"Sit with us. We'll all cheer like mad for James and Tracy zipping around up there, Sirius'll harass me a bit, Peter will help, and you can smack the back of their heads for me."

He looked pained, even as he forced a smile onto his face and said, "Actually, we kind of have a secret tradition that we can't break."

"Oh," Lily said, hurt by his obviously stupid excuse.

"It's not that I don't want to."

_It's just that you don't want to_, Lily thought.

"You know what?" he said. "It's not that big of a tradition, and I'd really like to sit by you."

"You don't have to," Lily said. She'd meant this to be an offhand suggestion, one that he could decline without problem. Still, though, it hurt to hear no.

"No," he said, looking terribly sad, "I would love to sit by you."


	16. Oops

**Chapter 18**

**Oops.**

On the way back to the common room after lunch on Wednesday, Lily, Sam, Tracy, and Christine found themselves making very amusing sickle bets as they walked down the hallway. After an amazing display of yodelling, Tracy was now in possession of the sickle. When Matt came into view, chatting with the head girl, Tracy's eyes took on a very mischievous look and Lily smirked.

"Lily, sickle if you kiss Matt," Tracy said, pulling the sickle out of her pocket. Lily's smirk instantly dissolved. That wasn't funny.

Why was Tracy asking that? Couldn't she see Remus (and James and Sirius and Peter) walking toward them? Didn't she see Christine look over at her in shock before looking straight ahead and pretending like she didn't care? Maybe Tracy still didn't know the two of them were dating. Actually, that could be funny.

The group stopped moving as Lily walked over to where Matt was chatting with Diana.

"Matt?" Lily asked, addressing him. He looked at her questioningly.

"Yes?"

"Lean down. I need to win a sickle," Lily said, motioning for Matt to come closer. As the head boy did, Lily went on her toes to peck him on the cheek.

"On the mouth!" Sam called out. Oh weren't those two having a grand old time with this? Lily quickly turned her head and pecked Matt on the mouth. He looked vaguely amused.

Lily sauntered back over to her friends, grabbed the sickle out of Tracy's hand, and missed the shocked and hurt looked on the faces of the approaching group of guys.

"Lileeeee, what was that?" Sirius asked, walking up to her.

Lily ignored him, turned to Christine and held out the sickle, saying, "Christine, sickle if you kiss Matt."

Christine grabbed the sickle and walked right over to Matt McGrath, who stood close enough to hear the conversation. He watched their interaction with barely-concealed amusement. Scratch that: he watched them with barefaced amusement.

"Matt? Why does he get to be kissed so much?" Sirius asked. "What about Sirius? I'll give Christine a sickle."

"To kiss you, I'd ask for a large _bag_ of galleons. Maybe three or four bags," Lily said, watching Christine reach a smirking Matt.

"You? No, no. I wouldn't want you to kiss me," Sirius said.

"You do wonders for my ego, Sirius," Lily commented, still watching Matt and Christine. The head boy was leaning against the wall as Christine approached, wrapped her arms around his neck, and pushed her lips against his. Lily smiled and looked over at the dropped jaws of Tracy, Sam, and the four guys.

"Well, you certainly didn't have to remind _her_ to kiss him on the mouth, did you?" Peter asked.

"Where are his hands going?" Tracy asked James in a slightly panicked (and very confused) voice. "Because I know they aren't holding her hips right now. And I _certainly _know that this is the first time they've done this, right? Right?"

"I think you're wrong," James said, placing a hand on her shoulder as he smiled at her expression. Lily didn't even realize she was staring at their exchange until Sirius's head popped into her line of sight and started mouthing the word 'Sputnik.' How she hated that boy. She turned to Remus.

"Enjoy class?" she asked. He nodded. "It was a difficult assignment."

"Yes." He really didn't like talking in front of people, did he? Well, she'd learned that ages ago -- both in class and at the Quidditch game -- and had determined to force him to do so anyway. But when Peter asked Remus a question, Lily found her attention returned (inevitably) to hear snatches of whispered conversation between Tracy and James even as she adamantly tried to convince herself she didn't care.

"Jealous were you?" Tracy asked. James mumbled something and Lily wondered what Tracy had done to cause him to be jealous. "Maybe you ought to do something about it."

"Don't want to right now," James replied.

"Freaking hell, James. I'm trying really hard to convince you to do something and you just sound like a child."

"I _am_ doing something about it."

"What are you doing? Because you certainly seem to have given up on _my _plan."

But before Lily could even begin to wonder about the exchange, Christine was back, smirking as she twirled the sickle between her extended fingers.

"You!" Tracy addressed her. Christine didn't turn away from looking at Lily with a satisfied expression. They shared an inside joke as both began grinning.

"Tracy's talking to you, Christine," Lily hinted in a mock whisper.

"What?" Christine asked, turning to Tracy.

"What was that?" Tracy gestures wildly in the direction of her brother's retreating back.

"What was what?" Oh. Tracy didn't seem to like Christine's vagueness. Nope. Not at all. Lily decided to help out.

"She gave a good long kiss to her boyfriend," Lily stated, turning and walking toward Gryffindor tower. The others followed.

"He's not-" Christine began, but Lily cut her off.

"She gave a good long kiss to the guy she's been kissing for a few months now," Lily amended, remembering Christine's distaste for commitment words, and smirking. Oh yes she was smirking.

"True," Christine said. Lily wondered if the fact that Matt hadn't pushed her to accept those commitment words had been part of the reason why she was so comfortable with him. Well, that and seven years of solid friendship.

"What?" Tracy exclaimed.

"So if he's not your boyfriend, can I kiss him again?" Lily asked Christine, hoping to goad her a little.

"That wasn't a kiss." Trust Christine to find a loophole.

"So I can?"

"I don't want to talk about this." Christine turned and walked away. Lily winked at Remus.

"That means no," Lily explained.

"Glad to know, I was thinking about kissing him myself," James snapped. Caught off guard and prepared to dismiss anything and everything he said, Lily laughed.

** – **

In class that afternoon, Lily put her things next to Remus's as she sank into her seat.

"Tired?" he asked. It seemed to pain him to actually speak during the day, Lily had discovered. And so she had long since decided that if they were going to continue to grow as friends, she would have to make the effort outside of patrols.

"I just turned in my seventh year project proposal," Lily replied.

"Wasn't that due in March?" Remus asked.

"Yes, which is why I definitely had to have it in by today," Lily said, leaning her head against his shoulder briefly and exhaling. "I want to sleep for a week."

A noise that sounded like a mixture of pain and annoyance made Lily sit up and look at James Potter entering the room. He had been looking at her, but when she caught him, he quickly turned and walked to the back of the room. Sirius Black, as always, accompanied him. They were like a pair of Siamese twins, really; one who hated Lily and the other who took pleasure in torturing her.

But, really, what right did James have to be annoyed that Lily had taken his seat next to Remus? Why did he always look so frustrated when she sought out Remus's company? At first, Lily had thought he was upset because she had finally found another bloke whose company she enjoyed and that he didn't want anyone to stop obsessing over him. Never mind that he was _still_ dating her best friend in secret But now, Lily thought it was something else entirely. He seemed bothered by her presence in his life in general. And that made her feel just wonderful.

Lily turned away from him and back to Remus.

"How long is your essay?" Lily asked him, riffling through her bag to try and find hers.

"Two feet," Remus sighed. Good. Sighing meant he had finally resigned himself to talking to Lily outside of patrols. She couldn't really understand his aversion to speaking with her during the day, but she figured he was just an intensely private person. She understood that.

"Two feet? Nicely done," Lily said.

"Thank you. How's F.A.D. coming along?"

"Oh!" Lily said, clapping her hands together and abandoning her hunt for the essay. "It's going well. Students are turning in more parchment than we planned, so we had to run off a couple hundred more sheets. The boxes are filling up quickly and McGonagall said we could use the prefect meeting room for two nights if it was necessary to sort them all."

"It's happening on the fifteenth, though?"

"Yep," Lily said, smiling. "April fifteenth, all the prefects will have a load to carry to each class. I'm excused all day."

"And the deadline for dropping notes in the boxes is when?"

"This Saturday, the seventh of April. Only four days away," Lily said, amazed that all of her preparation would finally come to fruition in just one week and a day. It was wonderful.

"Everyone seems to be really happy about the notes," Remus offered. Lily smiled and nodded at him.

"They do, don't they? People keep coming up and asking me if they are allowed to do different thing, like if they can include pictures or things," Lily answered. "Next year, I think we ought to include a part that lets the students buy and send sweets and roses with the attached messages. The money could go to a charity."

"Next year?"

"Oh, right. I guess this may stop this year," Lily said, "but I'm hoping to convince McGonagall to let us do it again. That depends on how well this goes, though, doesn't it?"

"I suppose." Remus collected his parchment and straightened it. "Hasn't this been a lot of work for you?"

"Oh, tons," Lily said, sighing as she remembered organizing the boxes, writing up and giving Professor Dumbledore the proposal, listening to him announce the project in the Great Hall, answering questions from students, secretly assigning each prefect and head a group of students to write to, and making every prefect promise not to tell anyone the group they were assigned. She'd also had to make sure her project team knew what they were doing, knew when their boxes were full. Plus, she had to run a short, after-prefect-meetings meeting. But boy had she enjoyed it.

"So," Lily said, her eyes lighting up with mischief, "are you sending _me _a note? Saying, perhaps, 'Thank you, Lily, for being the greatest prefect partner in the world. Thanks for laughing at my silly jokes. For meandering with such grace. For generally making my entire life better just by saying hello to me.' Are you sending me something like that?"

"Would you want me to?" Remus looked uncomfortable.

"Well," Lily said, "I want to receive at least one note."

"I think that'll happen," he said, looking down at his desk.

"Oh, I know, the prefect in charge of the sixth year Gryffindors will send me a note, but I kind of want more than that," Lily said, turning back to her bag and resuming her hunt for her essay.

"Lily," Remus began, eying her bag mistrustfully, "I'm sure you'll receive more than one note."

"Is that because _you're _sending me one?" Lily asked, grabbing hold of a corner of her essay and yanking the thing through all of the rest of the mess in her bag.

"Not exactly."

"So you're not sending me a note?" Lily asked, actually feeling quite sad about that. She'd written one to him, thanking him for making patrols easier. She'd also written to Sam, Christine, and Tracy. She sure hoped (but didn't count on the fact that) they would write her back.

"We'll see," was Remus's response as the professor entered the room.

** – **

In the common room that afternoon, Lily was preparing to head out to the library when she realized she couldn't find her Astronomy book. She searched her bag. When she couldn't find it there she took out her Message Parchment and asked Sam. But before her raven-haired friend had the chance to respond, Lily started crawling on the ground searching under couches and whatnot, which was how she learned that a third year was now dating a fourth year (a girl was whispering about it on the couch Lily was checking under).

But she still couldn't find her book and so she kept crawling.

"I can't keep doing this, James." Hearing Remus's voice, Lily stopped and was about to stand and say hi, but his words made her pause. What was James making Remus do?

"What? Why not?" James asked.

"It's wrong. It's manipulative and mean." Well, if James was in control of it, Lily wasn't surprised at that information. Okay. Maybe she was a _little _surprised. James wasn't mean or manipulative. Just arrogant.

"It's not. I just want her to-"

"I know," Remus interrupted, sighing, "but I can't keep doing this, giving you notes on the days. That Quidditch match-- it just all feels really wrong. You need to stop."

"I know. I _know_." Oh, James sounded defeated. Lily wanted to give him a hug. No one deserved to sound that sad.

"Hey, mate, you never know, maybe it'll all work out." Oh. Sirius was there too. Then again, when wasn't he there with James? Unless, he was harassing Lily about James. Then he was normally alone.

"It won't. She-- you should hear the things she says about me," James said. Lily wondered who he was talking about, decided she didn't care, and reached a hand under the couch to see if her book was there. "She thinks I'm a conceited braggart."

"And?" Sirius asked. Lily smiled. Okay. Maybe Sirius was sort of funny.

"And she's still hung up on that other guy. Talks about him all the time," James answered. Lily's hand came in contact with a book-like object and stretched her fingers to try and grab it.

"It doesn't matter," Peter put in. Oh, it was the coven of them. Lily caught the top of the book with her right pointer finger and began dragging it over. "You need to tell her."

"And before Tracy finds out," Sirius put in. "She'll kill you if she finds out first."

So they were talking about Tracy, Lily realized, losing grip on the book and having to put her fingers on top of it once more.

"I like her so much," James said. Aw. That was sort of endearing. He really liked Tracy. Good. Good for them.

"Yeah, we didn't get that from the amount of effort you put into this project," Peter said sarcastically.

"Nor the obsessive way he talks about her." Lily finally brought the book out from under the couch and looked at the title. Crap, it wasn't her book at all. It was called _Transfiguration Prodigy. _She shoved it back under the couch and began crawling to the next one.

"But she's starting to like someone that isn't you," Remus said gently. What? That was news to Lily. Who did Tracy fancy, then?

"Yeah, I know."

"Don't be jealous, Prongs. It's you she likes. She just doesn't know it," Peter said. Prongs? What the hell? Who was he calling a kitchen utensil?

"Yeah, I thought you were going to rip that bloke apart in the hall when she kissed him," Sirius added. "Though that was probably all part of Tracy's convoluted plan."

Tracy kissed another guy in the hall? To make James jealous? Oh. That was probably what they had been talking about today.

"She wants me to _do _something," James said.

"If only she knew what you were doing," Sirius said.

"She'd beat me to death with her beater's bat. I know. I know." James replied, and Lily could almost hear him shaking his head. "Sirius, if you would just tell me-"

"Nope." Sirius was smirking. Lily couldn't see his face, but she could hear that annoying smirk in his voice. It was annoying even when she couldn't see it.

"Fine. That's all right. I think-- I think I know who it is."

"Trust me, you don't," Peter said. Lily didn't really have time for this. She needed to get to her book. She went to the next couch and looked under it. Not seeing anything, she stretched her arm underneath. Where was that blasted thing?

"Do you think I should ask her out?" came the young voice of a boy. _Geez, _Lily thought, _didn't boys ever talk about anything_ _other than girls?_

"You should send her one of those friendship notes. Ask her out in one," his friend suggested. Lily smiled. She _loved _this note idea.

"But the prefects said they'll read through those."

"But it'll probably be Lily Evans that'll read through them all. She won't care. Won't say anything, either."

"Maybe you're right."

Huh. Younger students knew her name. How odd. Lily felt very uncomfortable having people discuss her, especially younger students she was sure she couldn't recognize. And that they trusted her made it even stranger.

So Lily continued crawling around the room, inadvertently eavesdropping as she went, searching for a book that was on her bed.

** – **

The next night, lying in her room reading through her Charms text, Lily was waiting for her patrol to start when Tracy came strolling in for a chat. Sure, a chat. At least, that was what Lily thought her friend had been doing. Until, that is, Tracy had shaken her hand and then fled the room, leaving Lily to read the note in her hand alone, in horror.

_11:00 - 1:30_

_All Floors_

"No," Lily exclaimed after reading the note. She raced out the door, down the stairs, and into the common room in search of Tracy in the crowds of milling students. This could not be happening. No. Lily refused. She had a patrol that night. She could _not _play the Game and patrol at the same time. Remus would think they were under attack or something. No.

Sure, they hadn't played the game in months -- not since before February -- but they couldn't play tonight. While Lily did want to play, wanted to play a great deal, she did not want to play at the expense of scaring the living daylights out of Remus.

But Tracy was nowhere in sight, and Lily had a feeling that her friend would remain missing until the beginning of the game. Lily looked at her watch and noted the time: 10:15. She needed to meet Remus downstairs in a little under fifteen minutes and Tracy wanted the play the Game -- the top secret Game that they all swore to keep secret from any outsiders -- that night? No. It would not be happening.

And so, of course, the Game happened.

** – **

"Remus!" Lily called, running up to him as soon as she saw him standing in the main entrance.

"Lily!" he called back, imitating her frantic tone with a teasing grin.

"Hush. Listen. We need to talk," Lily began in a rush. She was late. It was already 10:40; she'd spent a lot of time trying to stop the game.

"Yes, we do," Remus agreed. But Lily certainly didn't have time for him to confess anything. So she cut him off.

"I was thinking that you could take this patrol off," Lily said.

"What? Why?" He looked hurt, and Lily felt horrible. Good grief. Why did Tracy have to do this to her tonight? Lily did _not _want to scare Remus away.

"No reason. Just thought you might want a night off," Lily said, lying blatantly and knowing it was obvious but being unable to think of a cover fast enough. "It's a Thursday anyway, so there shouldn't be any problems."

"There are problems _every _night," Remus countered, still looking confused.

"But don't you _want _a night off?"

"Not particularly."

"Of course you don't," Lily muttered, trying to think of a reason to keep him away from her. "Why don't we at least make this a split patrol? You know, I'll cover the southern half of the castle and you cover the northern."

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"What's going on?"

"What?" Lily asked, glancing back at her watch. "Nothing's going on. I just have a lot of work."

"I'm in all of your classes. I know that's not true."

"You aren't in all my classes," Lily protested, running through her schedule in her head. "I have a lot of Arithmancy work."

"That's odd."

"Why?"

"Because James didn't seem to have any." And there was Remus's telltale smirk. Argh! Who did he think he was?

"James probably does all his work on the night it's assigned. I'm a procrastinator," Lily extrapolated. Remus laughed and then reached out and grabbed Lily by the shoulder, turning her so that they were walking side by side. She almost screamed in frustration.

"You don't have any work," Remus said. Lily felt ill. No. She didn't have any work. But she _did _have three best friends that were about to attack her in front of an unsuspecting Remus.

"Are you _sure _you don't want to take the night off?" Lily pleaded one last time.

"I'm sure." Maybe Tracy wouldn't attack Lily in front of Remus since she valued secrecy so much, but Christine would definitely still be a threat, as would Sam.

"All right," Lily said, resigned. "Then you're going to have to help me out a little bit."

"Does this have anything to do with the reason why Tracy told us she couldn't hang out tonight?" Remus asked.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Tracy was supposed to hang out with us tonight at midnight, but today she suddenly begged off."

"You were supposed to 'hang out' at midnight?" Lily asked, incredulous. "What were you all planning on doing?"

"Something against the rules."

"Oh, good," Lily said. "That means you won't mind what we're about to do."

And honestly, that was a relief. She had gleaned from his stories about pranks and nights out that Remus didn't much mind bending rules, but James and Sirius always seemed to be the ones goading him and Peter into doing things.

"This is going to be fun, isn't it?" he asked, sounding both very excited and very much like Sirius Black. Lily laughed.

"I sure hope you think so."

"I'm sure I will-" The chiming of a clock cut off his words and Lily muttered the starting incantation. Names and numbers lit up on Lily's arm. She glanced down at the as-yet white lights on her arm and the counter that was counting down from two hours and thirty minutes.

"What the hell is that?" Remus whispered, pointing to her arm.

"That is the beginning." A spell flashed behind Lily. She grabbed Remus's hand and practically dragged him down the hall even as the names on her arm flashed blue, showing that Sam had taken the lead by stunning Tracy. Remus wrenched his hand out of hers and turned around as if to go back into the Main Hall.

"What are you doing?" hissed Lily, grabbing him again.

"Someone cast a spell back there," he said, struggling away from her grip. She ran in front of him and put her hands on his chest, halting his movements even as she glanced behind her.

"I can't explain right now, but that was Sam. She just stunned Tracy."

"Is Tracy okay?" The worry in his eyes endeared Remus to her all over again.

"She's fine. We're playing a game -- Christine, Tracy, Sam, and I. It's tag with spells, and you and I need to hide if we are going to keep me from losing horribly." She grabbed his hand and pulled him away again.

"What the hell is going on?" He still looked like he wanted to go back to the Main Hall and check on things.

"Shhh!" Lily said, pushing him into an empty classroom and locking the door behind her.

"We play this game a lot, but it's very secretive. We haven't told anyone, but either Tracy forgot I had a patrol or she thought this would make me lose," Lily whispered, worried that one of her friends may figure out where they were and break in.

"Do you normally win?" Out of all the questions he could have asked, he picked that one?

"Actually no. I haven't won in years," Lily replied. "You know, with shitty curse work it's a little difficult."

"So what are the rules?"

And so they stayed in the room and whispered the rules and explanations. Remus caught on quickly and was soon only asking minor clarifying questions, like why her arm lit up green. Lily explained the colour coordinated point system, the no-backs rule, and that the first person to get back to the common room within five minutes of the end of the Game got a bonus. But it was obvious that they had stayed in the room too long when the door flew up and revealed Tracy, brandishing a wand at the both of them.

A spell shot at the pair of them, and while Lily's first reaction was to cast the Shield Charm and block the spell (which she did), her second reaction was to feel overwhelmed by fear. Her shield held against the first spell, but as that fear grew into panic and she started shaking and almost crying; her shield weakened. Her body wanted to crouch into a ball and run from the beams of light that her muscle memory remembered as being painful. But her heart and will would not let her.

She had been through this already. The first Game after the New Year's, Lily had been a wreck. After seeing the first spell of that Game, Lily, overrun with flashbacks of the Ball.

But Lily had resolved herself after that night. If the Prewetts could die with their backs straight, Lily Evans was most certainly not going to cower before this minor threat. And yet, her instincts still desperately wanted her to drop the shield and run.

"Well, don't be dumb about it," Remus snapped. His voice brought Lily crashing out of her memories and back into the present. He took hold of her left hand and pulled her behind the teacher's desk, breaking her shield.

"What did you do that for?" Lily asked as a green spell flew overhead, briefly illuminating Remus.

"You cast a shield," Remus explained as Lily reached over her head and shot a useless burst of light at Tracy, just to distract her.

"And?" Lily asked, determined to forget that moment of panic that caused her heart to continue beating too fast.

"You're never going to be more powerful than Tracy. Her offensive curses are too strong; they'd rip through your shield if you fought one on one. Play to your strengths." Rip through your shield. Like the others had.

"And what are those?" Lily asked, sending a Tickling Jinx in Tracy direction. "If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the greatest curse caster."

"No, but you can use complex spells that Tracy and Christine and Samantha never could." Lily had flashbacks to Gertrude's words. She had called Lily a natural.

"What do you mean?"

"Like in Charms today, and with the Protective Transfiguration. You aren't more powerful than Tracy, but you can use spells she can't. You can manipulate magic better than probably anyone I have ever met. Use that." A red spell curved around the desk and Lily had to act quickly to banish it away from her.

"How?"

And Remus explained and Lily listened. When Tracy scared the crap out of Lily by crawling onto the teacher's desk and popping her head over the edge, Lily managed to banish her by pure instinct. That had been a terrifying moment: looking up and seeing Tracy's head.

After that, Remus and Lily found themselves running out the door and into the throes of the Game.

That night, while her first instinct was always to cast a shield (or at least a charm to deflect the spell), Lily also managed to Transfigure a wall between herself and Christine that the other girl could not blast through.

By no means did Lily win the Game. Didn't even come in second, but she did manage to trick and confuse the hell out of Christine with that wall and one or two compounded charms. She made sure to go back afterward and, with the help of Remus, deconstruct the wall.

"It was dangerous to make a wall," Remus began as Lily walked up and began to unweave her wall. "If it had been someone stronger than Christine and your spell hadn't been as strong as it was, she could have blasted through and then bits of rock would have been hurtling at us."

"I hadn't thought of that."

"Neither had I, really, until just now," Remus said, shrugging.

Almost every day until the next Game, Lily thought up new ways to combine spells and charms that had no potential danger (or relatively little, at least). It was to little avail, of course, because though Lily never recognized it in herself, her greatest strength was always her instincts and spur-of-the-moment planning worked for her in a way her best-laid plans never could.

** – **

But that night, when Lily crawled into bed, she did not find herself wanting to talk about the Game or discuss what had happened. She didn't even want to think about it. She felt unnaturally tired, and yet sleep would not come. She could not stop seeing Tracy coming into that room. Coming to attack her.

After hours of lying on her bed, pretending like she might be able to sleep as time ticked away, Lily finally sat up. She glanced around the room -- the peaceful curtains hanging on their hangings, three beds silent with curtains drawn -- and Lily wanted to yell, throw a book at the wall as hard as she could. She wanted to shatter the perfect window and rip her hangings from her bed and scream.

Instead, Lily stood up and considered the three beds around her briefly before going over to Christine's bed, shaking her awake and shushing her shocked outcry.

"Come on," Lily whispered once her friend was awake. And Christine, being Christine, asked no questions before she pulled on her robe and followed Lily out of the dorm and out of the portrait. In fact, she didn't say a thing until the pair was safely inside the secret passage that led to the back entrance of the kitchens.

"It's late," Christine said.

"I want a virgin strawberry daiquiri."

"Ohhhh!"

Lily didn't have to face her friend to know that she was grinning at the thought of her favourite drink.

"You lost the Game," Lily said, smirking.

"You cheated."

"Did not."

"You made a wall."

"Is there a rule against that?"

"Should be," Christine said, running the backs of her nails up and down the wooden wall. "And I won the last one."

"The February Game? You won that?"

"Yep."

"I haven't won since second year."

"True."

"I suck."

"True."

"Your sympathy is amazing," Lily said flippantly as she drew the smiley face on the wall at the end of the secret passage staircase.

"You came in third," Christine commented as the pair marched through the wall.

"Yes, I did."

"And Remus was helping you."

"I get it. I suck. I know," Lily said, turning away from Christine and ordering the drinks from the house-elf quickly.

As the tiny creatures popped away to collect the drinks, Lily took the time to look around the kitchens. She really did spend too much time there: dinners with Gertrude (and occasionally Sirius), snacks in the middle of the night, stolen missed meals. It was like a second home to her at this point.

"At least," Lily said, "I didn't have a horrible flashback and almost go crazy during this Game."

"You were fine last time too," Christine said. "Just shaken. It happens."

"Not to me."

"To everyone."

_Walking alone in the halls, Lily tried to pretend like she wasn't terrified, like she didn't want to run back to the common room and the comfort of a warm, bright fire. Why was she so scared of these familiar, empty hallways?_

_But only too soon a spell came hurtling at Lily, stunning her though she had tried to raise her shield._

_And watching the attacker walk up to her, unable to see the distinguishing features in her face, Lily began to truly panic as flashes of memory clouded her vision._

"_I can't- I can't breathe," Lily whispered, trying so hard to push those memories away. Why was she seeing flashes of spells hurtling at her? Why was she suddenly remembering the feeling of landing on that table -- the horrific, overwhelming pain as something stabbed into her back and her wand cracked in her hand, breaking her fingers -- and shaking so hard that she was having trouble remembering where she was?_

"_Are you all right?" That was Christine's voice, wasn't it? Wasn't it? What was she doing there? She was not supposed to be there. _

"_Run," Lily muttered, ripping her arms through the stunning spell, but only being able to move a few inches. "Run, they're coming."_

_And they were. Those black, hooded figures were marching towards her. They were going to kill her, she knew, but she couldn't breathe. Breathing hurt her chest. Thinking hurt her chest. Oh God. She was going to die. _

"_You're not dying! Calm down!"_

"_They're coming. They're coming. They'll-" But someone grabbed her arm, her wrist, and then she was lifted off that table, throwing up in transit, screaming after the bile had come out. And the flashes of light bulbs -- cameras -- were in front of her and someone was holding her, asking if she could speak. _She's in shock.

"_Lily!" A hand slapped her face and the feeling of tangible pain brought her back, pulled her out of that memory. She saw Christine, looking determined, pulling her out of her memory. And suddenly Lily's arms were around her, clinging to the solid presence. _

"_It hurt, Christine," she whispered through her tears, as if realizing it for the first time. As if remembering it for the first time. "It hurt so much."_

"_It was just a stunner."_

"_The Ball," Lily whispered into her friend's shoulder, unwilling to let go lest she fall back into her uncovered memories._

"_Oh. Yeah. I guess it would." And Lily nodded, but Christine said nothing more as she wrapped her arms around her friend and nodded. "It always will."_

"_That sucks," Lily muttered._

"_True."_

"Your daiquiri, Miss." The tiny house elf in front of her held the red drink in both hands above her head and Lily took it with a smile and a shaking left hand.

"Thanks," Lily said. Christine, she saw, also had a drink in her hands. "So, let's talk about something else."

"Okay," Christine said, putting her straw in her mouth.

"How's Matt?"

"Fine."

"Anniversary coming up?"

"I don't want to talk about this," Christine said. "How's _Remus_?"

"What do you mean?"

"You like him," Christine said in such a matter of fact way that Lily choked on her drink.

"How did you know?"

"Duh," was the only response. As if that ought to be enough of an explanation for Lily.

"No. Really. How?"

"Easy," she replied, still annoyingly vague, though Lily was sure her friend thought she was being way too vocal.

"You haven't told anyone?"

"Nope."

Lily considered this situation. Christine knew how she felt about Remus. That could be a disaster: her friends often referred to Christine as the Open Source. Case and point: Lily's birthday surprises. But Christine, out of all of Lily's friends, knew what it was to want no one to know a secret.

"I really like him, Christine," Lily admitted.

"Remus?"

"Yep."

"Do you snog him on patrol?"

"Remus?" Lily repeated, still not understand how Christine learned about her crush.

"Yes," Christine said. She always did answer questions, whether they were rhetorical or not.

"No."

"Not even once?"

"No," Lily repeated.

Christine looked disappointed.

"Do you know how long James and Tracy have been dating?" Lily ventured.

"They aren't dating," Christine said.

"Oh." So Tracy hadn't told Christine everything, had she?

"No. Really. Tracy likes some seventh year on the Quidditch team."

"What? Since when?" Maybe that had been what James and his friends were talking about. Tracy kissing some bloke in the hall.

"I don't know."

Well, that was certainly news. Had James and Tracy broken up? Lily resolved to ask Sirius about it. Of course, after she did that, he burst into laughter and hugged her again, which was no answer. Lily decided she needed new sources of information.

** – **

Friendship Appreciation Day started well and ended well. In between there was confusion, hyperactivity, sabotage attempts, and just generally a wonderful time. A fabulous time, really. Especially for Lily, who had spent the previous two nights overseeing the sorting of the thousands of notes.

"We're here for the second year Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff boxes."

Lily lifted herself out of her chair, where she'd been hurriedly eating a bagel (breakfast had started, but she was in charge of the distribution room all day and needed to be there before the first classes, when the prefects came to pick up the stacks they were to deliver).

"One moment," Lily said, picking up and moving around the shoebox-size boxes until she located the two labelled 'Hufflepuff Second Years.' "Here's half of them."

One of the two boys in the doorway, a Slytherin fifth year prefect, walked forward and took the boxes.

"The Ravenclaws should be over in that corner. I'll grab them," Lily muttered, stepping across the stacks of boxes until she reached the Ravenclaw corner and found those second years. There were two boxes for them too.

"And I just open these boxes?" the Slytherin asked as Lily gave the Gryffindor seventh year his boxes.

"Yes. I think you're both going to their Potions class, so just open the door at the beginning or end of the lesson, lift the lids of the box, and the parchment will float to their recipients."

"What if the floating and locating charms don't work?"

"Then hand them out yourself. The student's name ought to be on the top of each note."

"All right," he said dubiously, turning and leaving the room. At least they'd been punctual. Lily sat back down in her chair. She was in charge of this room, and it was the first time she had seen the sheer number of notes.

Sorting them had been fun. She'd split the prefects into two different rooms by house to ensure that they wouldn't accidentally look at one of their own notes. So the Ravenclaws and Gryffindors sorted the Hufflepuff and Slytherin notes and vice versa. Oh this was fun.

Lily had agreed to run the room until the last class of the day, which was History of Magic for her, because that was when her year's notes were delivered. The prefects had all agreed that the younger year's notes ought to be delivered whenever the assigned prefect had a break, but that the upper years ought to receive theirs in History of Magic, as that was the only class when an entire year was guaranteed to be together.

Lily would have actually preferred to receive her notes in private, but Matt had told her that wasn't an option. He was taking over the room and she was receiving her notes (or at least, one note since a prefect had to have written to her) in class.

"First year Gryffindors," Gertrude announced, walking into the room with a nod. Lily smiled back.

"You have the morning off?"

"Yes."

"Didn't you write to the Gryffindor first years?" Lily asked, crawling over the table to the Gryffindor corner. This would definitely be easier once more of these boxes were picked up.

"That's a secret," Gertrude replied.

"Come on, tell me who you wrote to!"

"You're the one that insisted that the prefects tell no one the group they were writing to."

"Yes, tell no one," Lily said, scanning the boxes. "But you can tell me."

"Wouldn't it be easier to summon the boxes?" Gertrude asked.

"Well," Lily said, feeling stupid, "I guess so."

"Do you want me to do it?"

"No," Lily said, summoning the boxes. "I want you to tell me who you wrote to."

Three boxes flew out of the stack and Lily had to scramble to banish them mid-air to the table near Gertrude. The blonde girl looked down at the boxes on the table.

"Thank you," she said, picking them up and walking out of the room.

** – **

Every couple of minutes a new prefect would come in to pick up a box and soon Lily had perfected the art of summoning multiple boxes. Well, summoning and quick addition as she counted the number of boxes each year received. The older years were doing respectably, but it was the fifth years that were pulling ahead. The Ravenclaw fifth years alone had received four boxes worth of notes. That seemed excessive, even if all three of their chasers were in that year.

"Hello, Lily."

Lily turned to smile at the familiar voice.

"Hey, Remus," she greeted. "What are you picking up? I'm running out of boxes. Lunch was a big rush."

"Professor McGonagall."

Lily nodded and summoned two boxes from the middle of the table before handing it to Remus and watching him turn and leave.

Probably one of the most surprising things that had happened in the sorting was finding that many students had written to the professors. Some of the notes to teachers were anonymous, but all of them were kind and encouraging. Many told teachers that they had been a positive influence in that student's life.

It had been a wonderful feeling, reading a teacher's note.

So the sorting had come to accommodate the professor notes with a pile all their own in the middle of the room. It was interesting to note that Professor McGonagall received the most and Professor Dumbledore the least. But then, Professor McGonagall was a large presence in everyone's life (plus, Lily suspected that Sirius had written her quite a few love notes), while Professor Dumbledore was brilliant and aloof.

It had never crossed Lily's mind to write any of her professors a note. She felt vaguely bad about that.

** – **

"Having fun?" Matt asked, walking into the distribution room. Lily lifted her wand and levelled it at him. "Obviously not."

"I have a bone to pick with you."

"That sounds unpleasant."

"Why," Lily asked, standing and walking toward him, "aren't the Gryffindor sixth year boxes here?"

"Because I didn't want you to be tempted," Matt replied.

"I searched high and low for them," Lily said. "I summoned and banished as well as I could and still they did not come. I was terrified that I'd lost them."

"I have them."

"Good to know!" snapped Lily.

"Lily?"

"Yes?" Lily asked, irritated as she lowered her wand to her side.

"Go to class."

"I don't want to."

"Go on. Stumpy's waiting for you in the hall."

"Do you walk each other to class now?" Lily asked. Matt laughed.

"She'd be horrified by that idea," he said. "It's your whole motley crew, waiting to be reunited."

"You have the boxes?"

"Yes."

"All right. There are only a few left," Lily said, pointing to each of the corners, and then to the middle of the table. "No one's come to collect Professor Dumbledore's yet."

"That's my responsibility," Matt said, opening the door and jerking his head as if to suggest that Lily really ought to get moving.

"I'm going. I'm going."

"Not fast enough!" chirped Christine from beyond the door.

"Seriously. Could you move any slower?" Tracy added.

"I just wanted to make sure Christine didn't want to kiss her boyfriend goodbye," Lily said sarcastically. Matt laughed behind her as Tracy made a disgusted face and Christine looked exasperated.

"He's not my boyfriend."

** – **

Walking through the corridors, it was easy to notice the increased noise level. Everywhere, students were running up to one another, holding out a handful of notes.

"Lily!" called a small voice just as she reached the History of Magic class. She turned to find Will McGrath running toward her.

"Hello, Will." Actually, it was Will McGrath covered in… glitter?

"Look at all the notes I got!" He was holding out a handful of notes. He looked like a Christmas ornament.

"Wow."

"But I didn't get one from you," he complained, pouting.

"I only sent four. I was really busy organizing."

"I sent _you_ one," he said, but then his frown split into a grin and he started laughing.

"What?" Lily asked, watching the rest of her year and the Ravenclaws file into class.

"I got one from a secret admirer."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and look at the handwriting! It had to be an older student!" Lily was never gladder that she and all of the prefects had agreed not to tell anyone that they were writing secret notes. And it was adorable that one of the prefects had signed their note 'from your secret admirer.'

"Next year," Will said, taking his note back and stuffing it in his pocket, "you have to write me two notes!"

"It's a deal."

"I have to go tell Chad about this!"

"Bye, Will," Lily said, stepping in the class.

"Why do my brothers always look more excited to speak with you than me?" Tracy asked from the back of the room.

"It's not just your brothers," Sirius said. Lily smiled.

"It's because I flog him," Lily stage-whispered as she put her things down next to Christine at the front desk. She heard a snort of laughter in the back and turned smiling, expecting to see Remus. Instead, she saw that it was James Potter, sitting next to Remus, who was smiling. That was certainly--

"The eleventh century Druid wars began because of various factors, including…" Professor Binns greeted, gliding through the front wall. Lily sat down and waited for the F.A.D. notes to come. Even Binns's monotone voice could not keep her from focusing on that door.

Actually the rest of the class seemed to be in a similar state of mind. Everyone was poised on the edge of their seats, watching the door even as Professor Binns began lecturing. And lecturing. And lecturing.

"Where're the notes?" Christine asked Lily.

"I don't know. Matt had them."

"Why?"

"He didn't want me peeking."

"You cheated!"

"I didn't. Matt stole the boxes."

"You would have cheated."

"Duh," Lily replied.

"True," Christine agreed, nodding, though Lily wasn't exactly sure what they were agreeing about. Except where the hell were their notes? It couldn't really have taken that long to bring them over. After all, they were on the same floor-

Then the door swung open and a fifth year Hufflepuff stepped forward, looking uncertain.

"Excuse me, Professor? I have a delivery," he said.

"What, Mr. Cra- Cropple?"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I'm delivering--"

"Ignore the ghost! Open the box!" called a voice from the back. There was scattered laughter and a whole lot of nodding. The boy smiled shakily and did so.

Whatever Lily had been expecting when she'd asked Professor Dumbledore to charm the boxes and notes, it wasn't fireworks and rainbow confetti to shoot out along with the notes. That seemed much too extravagant. Nor was she expecting the students to be charmed into jumping onto their desks and synchronously singing and dancing. Luckily, the latter didn't happen. Unluckily, for students like Lily who were sitting in the front of the room, the former did.

For the rest of the day, she would be wiping glitter off her robes.

"As I was saying," muttered Professor Binns, beginning to lecture again.

But Lily didn't care what the professor was saying. She was too busy staring down at her empty desk.

She had only received one note. A note from her 'secret admirer,' and while it was a very nice note in and of itself – it mentioned specific things she'd done like organized this day and liked Muggle ice creams – it was still disappointing that none of her friends had sent her even a single note.

The fifth year deliverer slipped out the door and Professor Binns began lecturing again as the students ruffled through their notes.

Lily was not disappointed. Lily was _not _disappointed. Oh, who was she kidding? Lily was very disappointed. One note? One note from someone she had forced to write her!

Christine, sitting next to Lily, was looking chirpy.

"Happy much?"

"Matt sent me three notes." Oh how cute. How adorable. How vaguely annoying. Sam was sitting in the back corner of the room, looking like the loner Lily knew she wanted to become. She wasn't even reading her notes.

Tracy, Lily saw, had a virtual mountain of notes on her desk that James Potter kept trying to steal from and read. Lily smiled as she saw James tap Tracy on the right shoulder and then reach out and steal one while she was looking at Sirius. The fool, even Lily knew that was the oldest trick in the book.

But when James lowered the note, a playful smile on his lips, he caught Lily's eye and for a moment they smiled together, sharing a private joke. Then they both realized what they were doing and turned away, but not immediately. No. They nodded at each other and then James cast his eyes down to the note in his hand and Lily turned back to her single note.

A small ding caught Lily's attention and she pulled out her Message Parchment and read:

_Lily. Making eyes at Sputnik? Sirius._

_Sirius. How did you get this parchment? Lily._

_Easy. Stole Tracy's._

_Oh. Good to know that you have no qualms about stealing._

_You were STARING at Sputnik._

_I strongly dislike you._

_You won't after dinner tonight._

_Why?_

_Did you like my note?_

_What note? What about dinner?_

_What note? The one I sent you. I notice I'm lacking a note from you, by the way._

_I didn't get a note from you._

_Sure. Lie to cover up._

_I didn't!_

_Remus got a note from you! He's reading it right now. Remus. He, may I mention, is NOT your best friend._

_Well. You're my SECRET_ _best friend. Secret. Couldn't have me writing you a note and blowing our cover, could I?_

"Professor?" The door had opened while Lily sat messaging Sirius, revealing that same fifth year, now carrying two more boxes. "Sorry, but I hadn't realized there was more than one box for this group."

"What?"

And so it happened again. The opening. The glitter. Lily was really going to have to clean her robes.

But that hardly mattered. At all. Because piling up in front of her were notes. Notes! Yay. Lily had friends. Friends. Joy.

Okay. So she was feeling a little to giddy about three-- four-- six notes flying toward her desk.

The messenger opened the second box and Lily's mouth dropped open as the pile in front of her grew. Well. All right. Lily wasn't exactly swimming in notes like Tracy, but she had a couple handfuls. And that had to count for something. People liked her. Really _liked _her.

"In 1654…"

Oh dear. Professor Binns was talking. That meant she ought to take notes. Lily always took notes. She took her friend notes and shoved them in her pockets, picked up her quill and began scribbling. Only to reach into her pocket with her left hand a moment later, pull one note out, and read it anyway. She really didn't have any self-control, did she?

To: Lily Evans 

_Hey Lily!_

_Thanks for creating Friendship Day! This is so much fun. I've written over fifty notes to all of my best friends! _

Celia Arnold 

Who the hell was Celia Arnold? Lily slowly thought of all the prefects that she knew, but none of the girls were named Celia. Not even a nickname that could have even vaguely resembled a Celia. The note was placed in Lily's right pocket as she picked out another note to read. This time she scanned the name and smiled to see that it was from Chad.

_To: Lily Evans_

_Thanks for the flogs and whipping. Even if I lose too many points. See you! Not at night or anything. Just soon. Ok. Bye. _

_Will McGrath_

** – **

All in all, that had been Lily's least productive History of Magic class ever. Well, at least in terms of doing actual schoolwork. If she considered smiling productive, Lily would have excelled. Sixteen people had sent her notes: Sam, Tracy, Christine, Chad, Matt, Sirius, Kevin, Celia, Tom (the drunk fifth year that Lily and Remus had saved), her prefect "secret admirer," Ruth (the seventh year Gryffindor prefect), a Ravenclaw from her Astronomy class, two anonymous ones, and Remus.

Walking to the kitchens that night, while Lily was hard-pressed to name a favourite, she acknowledged that it was impossible to doubt that Sirius's was the strangest:

_To: Lily Evans (shhhhh)_

_SBFF (you know what it stands for, but I can't write it out for fear of interception),_

_I've decided to write a list to each of my friends, of which you are definitely not one (ha! That'll trick them). Now, onto the list of things that I appreciate about you:_

_Your sarcasm _

_Your undying love of Russian Space Satellites_

_Your complete and utter blindness (see #5 for details)_

_The blouse you wore on March 28th (the day I wrote this)_

_The way you think Sputnik hates you_

_The way you yell at Sputnik (as if satellites can _hear! _That ought to fool them again!)_

_Dinners with you (including the one we are having the day you receive this)_

_Your Herbology book_

_Strawberries (not necessarily something I like about you as much as I like in general and which you ought to consider when you are picking out the next gift that you buy me – which ought to be soon)_

_I can't think of a tenth thing so I'll just write that I like your hair, which girls seem to like hearing, even though it isn't as if they made their hair. It was just luck._

_Okay. I'm done. See you at _dinner!

_Sirius_

Oh yes. That boy was crazy. Not that Lily cared. She kind of found it reassuring, in its own way. Even if he told anyone about how Lily used to feel about James (and she was firm in her belief that she no longer felt that way about James as she was now thoroughly obsessing over Remus) no one would believe him, the stupid bugger.

But still, she was going to this dinner and she didn't know quite what to expect. She and Gertrude were supposed to meet in the kitchens and Lily wouldn't be at all surprised to find Sirius Black popping in. But why he would be so excited about that idea was beyond Lily. He had popped in on their dinners before. What would make this one so special?

"Lileeee."

"There's the voice of my dreams," Lily replied, not bothering to turn and address Sirius. Actually, not even bothering to slow her pace.

"Secret best friend?" Sirius called out. Lily could hear Sirius's feet racing to catch up with her.

"Forever," Lily finished. Actually, as she felt Sirius arm wrap around her shoulder, she thought she heard another set of footsteps and tried to turn, but Sirius's hold prevented it.

"Where's my note?" he asked as they stopped in front of the sliding panel and Lily pushed it in and to the side. Yes, there were definitely steps behind them.

"Still on about that, are you?" Lily asked.

"He'll never let it go."

That voice. Lily froze, hand on the railing. Sirius wouldn't have. He couldn't have. Right? Right?

"I don't suppose he will," Lily returned, though she was sure her voice sounded thin and tight.

"He still hasn't forgiven me for that time in first year--"

"You stole my parchment!"

"We were eleven. Move on."

"I was twelve."

"Oh. Well that's different. Go ahead. Continue with the bitterness."

"I will, thanks."

Somehow, Lily felt herself descend the stairs. Somehow, though she couldn't remember the in-betweens or the conversation that covered the span of time, she found herself facing the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

"Well, are you going to open it?" Sirius asked, Lily looked at him, pulling herself out of her numb state.

"You're an idiot," Lily said, stepping forward and drawing the happy face on the wall.

"Did you see what she did?" Sirius asked his friend. "What was that hand motion?"

"It wasn't a hand motion. She was drawing--"

"Don't tell him," Lily interrupted, turning for the first time to face Sirius's friend. Turning to face James Potter, of course. "Let him figure this one out himself. It'll do his ego good."

"I'll figure it out someday, and then I'll be even prouder of myself, Lileee." Sirius Black deserved a good thwack over the head. Maybe two or three, actually.

Waiting inside the kitchens at the small wooden table was Gertrude Wrightman. Her posture, as always, was perfect. Lily felt herself straightening her shoulders as she approached. Leaving James and Sirius behind, she quickly whispered,

"James Potter's here. If you don't want him to think we know each other, I suggest you leave."

"I knew he was coming."

"You knew?" Lily asked. "What are you omniscient?"

"Sirius asked if he could bring him."

"Sirius asked permission? Are you joking?"

"Sirius has always asked permission."

"Not to meddle in my life," Lily murmured.

"That's because he thinks he's helping you," Gertrude replied, standing to face Sirius and James as they came closer.

"Helping me?" Lily repeated.

"I don't know if he's doing more harm or good, but I agree with his intentions."

"Again with the vague clues. Do you and Sirius get together and practice how to make me feel left out?" Lily asked, annoyed.

"We practice Tuesdays at noon," Sirius supplied, walking up and kissing Gertrude on the cheek before taking his place at the table on the opposite side of the blonde girl.

"I'm happy to know you think my life's a joke," Lily muttered.

"At least he doesn't think _you're _a joke," James added helpfully as Lily and he moved to complete the table, Lily by Sirius and James by Gertrude.

"Thank God for small favours," Lily muttered. Then, in a louder voice, "What are we having for dinner?"

"Today's James's birthday. I thought we should celebrate," Sirius said.

"It's your birthday?" Lily asked, too surprised to remember to avoid talking to him. He smiled and nodded.

"Happy birthday," Gertrude said, smiling at him. Lily was caught off guard by the softness of her face as she smiled, and almost stared at her.

"Happy birthday," Lily offered, wondering why he wasn't spending it with Tracy. Maybe they were having a harder time than they let on. Or-- wait-- that was impossible as no one even knew they were dating. Maybe Christine was right and they'd broken up. Maybe Tracy was interested in someone else. Maybe Lily should quit thinking about that and just focus on eating.

** – **

"What do you mean you take April Fool's day off?" Lily asked James, munching on her chip.

"It builds tension," James said. Lily leaned back and laughed. Sirius grinned, as though finding the entire exchange perfectly amusing.

"So you don't pull any pranks?"

"No, but the professors are on edge all day thinking that one year we'll pull the biggest prank of the year that day, just because."

"Don't you think that pranking is childish?" Gertrude asked. Lily looked over at her and couldn't keep a smile off her face. Lily doubted she would ever see anything as interesting as Gertrude Wrightman eating fish and chips. The two definitely did not go together.

"Childish?" James repeated, horrified.

"Childish?" Sirius repeated a moment later. They looked at each other and shook their heads.

"We are bringing a new art form back to Hogwarts," James said, turning to Gertrude.

"We are bringing laughter back to Hogwarts," Sirius explained condescendingly.

"Besides--"

"They all deserve it," they said together, laughing at their obviously rehearsed routine.

"I feel seasick watching them speak," Lily mock-whispered to Gertrude.

"It is distracting," Gertrude agreed.

"Distracting? It's like they're sharing one brain between them-- hey!" Sirius had flicked her. Flicked her!

"One brain between the two of us?" Sirius repeated. "I will have you know that we are two of the best student in our year, aren't we James?"

Lily cast her eyes over to Gertrude and rolled her eyes as she waited for James's egotistical response.

"Actually, I think Lily and Gertrude are both better students than either of us," James quipped.

"There's very little doubt about that," Gertrude added. Wait. What? Had James just said that? Gertrude was slowly chewing her food, staring at Lily, then turning to consider James. Watching, Lily found it curious that Gertrude turned to nod at Sirius.

"Seriously, your silent communication thing is starting to unnerve me," Lily complained to Gertrude.

"They've done it since they were eleven. Irritates the hell out of me." And that was another thing that was unnerving Lily: James talking so freely to her. He spoke so quickly to her that she had a feeling almost like -- almost like he'd forgotten who he was and who she was.

"Anyway," Lily said, taking her napkin out of her lap and placing it on her plate, "I, personally, am not a very good student at all."

"I knew you were going to say that," James said, locking eyes with Lily. The way he spoke was almost felt like he thought Lily and he were friends, and the way he was talking, making her laugh, understanding her muttered comments, Lily might have been inclined to believe they were. Except that he was James Potter. Yes, that always seemed to get in the way.

"Sirius," Gertrude said, he eyes locked on James, "we need to speak."

"Privately?" It struck Lily what a strange group they would seem to anyone else, and what a perfect group they made to themselves, munching on a hidden birthday dinner.

"Privately," Gertrude asserted, turning to finally meet his gaze. Sirius looked at her, grey eyes meeting blue eyes, nodded once and stood. Gertrude stood a moment later and the pair moved toward the far side of the kitchen and out the door.

With Sirius and Gertrude gone, suddenly everything changed. Frick. Suddenly James and Lily sat at a table for four and just avoided each other's eye.

"You spend a lot of time with Sirius, don't you?" James ventured, looking up.

"I suppose so." Lily shrugged, meeting his gaze. "So do you, I notice."

"McGonagall has begun putting us in detention at the same time in different parts of the castle," James said, smiling. "She says we need some alone time."

Lily smiled at that thought.

"He's kind of like a leech," Lily said. "Once he's with you, he never lets go."

"Quite loyal, that one is."

"Oh yes," Lily said, smiling some more. "And he's just genuinely fun. Much as he annoys me, he is fun to be with."

"Yes," James agreed, a smile growing on his lips. "I can't imagine all of the trouble I would have missed out on if he hadn't been here. At the very least, I wouldn't have been arrested."

"Arrested?"

"Just once. It was a long time ago." James laughed. "Sirius is very different."

"Different," Lily repeated, testing out the word. "Yes, Sirius is definitely different. He's just--" She stopped herself.

"What?" prompted James.

"Never mind."

"No, tell me," James pressed. And Lily twisted her napkin in her hands, but kept her eyes on James's sincere gaze.

"You remember talking about him before with me?" Lily asked, knowing she was treading on dangerous grounds. They _had _talked about Sirius before, but it was the night of the Great Meltdown.

"Yes," James said, showing no emotion.

"Well, it's like I said that night. He's sad."

"Sad?"

"Well, not sad exactly, just--" _jaded, maybe_.

"Just what?"

"He's-- Sirius isn't as naïve as he'd like to pretend. He really--" Lily gave James a half smile and a shrug. "He understands a lot of darkness."

"Darkness?"

"Well, yes. Ish. I don't know. Maybe I'm completely off."

"No. You aren't. You never are."

"What?" Lily asked, confused.

"How did you know all that?" James inquired, ignoring Lily's question.

"I don't know."

"Tell me." And again with that damnable sincere look. Argh. Couldn't there be a counter to that?

"He's just nothing like he wants everyone to think he is," Lily said. "He's not carefree. Sometimes, I can almost see the guilt that overwhelms him throughout the day. It almost incapacitates him. It's right after that when he normally pranks another student. I can't believe I just said all that. I feel like such an idiot. Just ignore me."

"Never. I understand exactly what you mean about Sirius."

"You do?"

"Yes. He's-- let's say complex. My mother adores him. Probably more than she adores me, actually."

"Well, he is very polite."

"Sirius?"

"Oh yes. Though he tries his best to cover it up, he has the accent and innate manners of a person raised properly, in high society. You can't fake that, and he even tries to override it, but it's hard to suppress the lessons you learned as a child."

"He'd be so disappointed to know that you caught him."

"And I suppose you'll tell him?" Lily asked.

"No, no. Where the fun in that? I'll just harass him about it unknowingly."

"Good times." Lily commented, smiling. And though neither knew it, Sirius would be the beginning. He would be the bridge Lily and James used to cross and reach each other, until they drew close enough to stand alone. He was a conversation topic, a common friend, someone to laugh with, and someone to drag them both into a dinner they never would have attended.

"Did you receive any notes?" Lily asked, changing the subject.

"A few."

"Were some of them from secret admirers?" At James's shocked face, Lily laughed with delight. "I heard some fifth years talking about sending you love notes anonymously."

"Oh." He shrugged and looked briefly angry. Or maybe it was frustrated.

"Aren't you happy about them?" Lily asked. If he wasn't, that was surely very odd.

"It's nice," James commented, looking at Lily through his lashes, "but the one note I really wanted never arrived."

"Didn't Tracy send you a note?" Lily asked. They were obviously having serious problems.

"Tracy?" James repeated.

"Did you leave us any desert?" Sirius's voice interrupted, walking back into the kitchen with Gertrude by his side.

"No, Sirius," Lily said sarcastically, looking over at him and dismissing her conversation with James. "James and I finished off _all_ of the desert in the _entire_ kitchen."

Where had Sirius and Gertrude gone, anyway? _I bet they were snogging_, Lily thought, smiling at the absurdity of that idea.

"So where were you then? Hanging out in a broom closet?" James asked and Lily laughed. Gertrude did not. She met James's eye until he turned back to the table and muttered, "Right. Stupid comment."

"I thought it was kind of brilliant," Lily commented. Everyone turned to look at her, but she met Gertrude's eyes and went on, "You two disappear for a random, extended amount of time and we're supposed to think, what? That you're having a chat?"

"So I suppose you and James were going at it?" Sirius asked, smirking.

"Oh yes," Lily replied, flipping her hair over her shoulder and smiling at Sirius.

"Of course," James added, his timing perfect. "We snogged right against that wall, actually."

"That was before we decided to come back to the table and just roll around on the food," Lily added.

"For health reasons, I'll assume you're joking," Gertrude said, sitting. Sirius's eyes were dancing.

"I thought Snape was your lover," Sirius said to Lily.

"That's on Tuesdays," Lily explained condescendingly, then looked at James. "Sirius always gets the days mixed up."

"I think he's kind of slow," James confided, almost laughing.

"Dropped on his head as a child, I hear," Lily said with a straight face.

"Twice," Gertrude added, taking a sip of her water. Lily couldn't stop herself then. She just started laughing. Until, of course, Sirius flicked her.

"I don't like this new funny you," Sirius complained.

"I do," Gertrude mentioned, putting her glass down.

"You would," muttered Sirius, picking up a fork and twirling it in his fingers.

"You're not going to tell us what you talked about, are you?" Lily accused.

"Nope," Sirius said, "but I will let you know that it wasn't--"

"About a Russian satellite," Lily finished. "I know. I know. Let it go."

"Never." Sirius's smirk still irritated her. A lot.

** – **

Dinner ended shortly after desert and Sirius quickly ran off. Gertrude disappeared a moment later. Lily decided that Gertrude was always like that. She never 'left' anywhere. She faded or disappeared.

"Think they're trying to give us some hints?" James asked, standing and walking toward the back entrance.

"I think Sirius is," Lily said, standing and catching up with him. "Gertrude always leaves before me."

"You have these dinners with her a lot?" James asked. Lily looked at him out of the corner of her eye, considered him, and wondered if he would tell anyone, if he could be told the truth.

"I don't know if it could be considered 'a lot,'" Lily replied, "but we do have dinner twice a week or so."

"I've never spoken to her before," James said, pushing the wall. "She seems okay."

"She's great," Lily replied. "But I thought you said she and Sirius have been talking since they were eleven."

"Probably before that, really. They grew up together, but I only met Sirius here at school."

"Oh. And they've--"

"They've been strange acquaintances since then," James offered by way of explanation. "Never friends, exactly, but they seem to understand one another."

"Yes," Lily murmured, stepping onto the stairs, "I see that."

"I suppose this is Sirius's way of letting us know that he wants us to be friends," James commented, following her up the stairs.

"Stupid bugger." Why was he pushing Lily onto James when it was-- or at least it had been, before tonight-- so obvious that James wanted nothing to do with Lily?

"Excuse me?" James asked.

"What?"

"Did you just say 'stupid bugger'?" James inquired. "Implying that you think Sirius is stupid for thinking that we ought to be friends."

"Oh frick," Lily muttered, stopping walking and turning to face James. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. That must have sounded so horrible, and I didn't mean it like that. Sirius is just getting way too involved in my life."

"So you aren't a fan of the friends idea?" James asked. Lily turned and started climbing the stairs again.

"No. I am," Lily only sort of lied. She just wasn't sure if she _could _just be James's friend.

"But?"

"But-- Do you really think we could do it?" Lily finally asked, not daring to turn around.

"Do what? Be friends?"

"Yes. Do you think we could?"

"Yes. I do." They had reached the top of the stairs.

"I don't want to be hurt," Lily said before she thought the words through. And oh how she hated hearing them aloud.

"Hurt by what? Friendship?" James asked. "How could you be hurt by friendship?"

"How could I not be?" Lily replied. A hand reached out and grabbed her wrist, both halting her movements and effectively turning her around.

"I know you're still uncomfortable because of--"

"This has nothing to do with that," Lily interrupted, trying to ignore the feeling that this conversation was somehow familiar.

"This has everything to do with that."

"No. I think we've both moved on." Or at least, she was still trying to believe that she had moved on. She knew he had. He'd moved on with Tracy. And tonight was sort of proving that he could even forget her embarrassing crush for a nice dinner.

"Moved on?"

"Well, I know you have, and I have too. I've decided to forget that it ever happened. That way I can avoid the waves of overwhelming embarrassment," Lily said.

"Embarrassment?" James repeated, letting go of her wrist and running his hand through his hair.

"Oh. Wait. No," Lily said quickly, touching his forearm until he opened his eyes and looked at her. "I didn't mean that you-- you're not embarrassing. It's just me. I feel like a fool for not seeing what was right in front of me. It just-- well, it was never you."

"It had nothing to do with-- you know-- the feelings?"

"Let's not call them feelings, let's say potatoes, lessen the embarrassment," Lily suggested. James looked confused.

"All right. The potatoes. That didn't--"

"No," Lily said.

"Then you're all right with," James motioned between them, "this?"

Lily took a step back and nodded. "Yes," she said. "I want to be friends." Well, that was certainly the hardest thing that she had ever said in her life. Ever.

"Friends," James repeated. "Good. That's good."

And it was good, wasn't it? Shouldn't it have been exactly what they both wanted, a friendship? But both went back into their common room that night feeling unsatisfied, trying desperately to convince themselves that they were fine. And they were, weren't they? They had to be. Friends.


	17. Just When Everything Was Going So Well

**Chapter 19**

**Just When Everything Had Been Going So Well**

"What did you think of their number chart?" James asked as he and Lily left the Arithmancy classroom.

"I think they messed up the numbers for Thursday the fifth and Tuesday the tenth."

"Sad, really, that they were so careless," James said, shaking his head. Lily grinned at him.

"I know. They might as well quit now, before they really mess up," joked Lily.

"Two dates wrong. Shameful, that is."

"I'd be horrified."

"I'd consider quitting school."

"Consider? No. I would just leave," Lily corrected, smirking when James caught her eye.

"You two look awfully chirpy," Sirius began, joining the pair on their trek to the dungeons. Actually, where was Sam? She always walked with Lily between those two classes.

"And you look a little sickly," Lily returned.

"You know," James said, "if someone activated a charm on a Friday the sixteenth at one-eleven in the afternoon-"

"That'd be brilliant," Lily said. She'd never thought about it before, but the brewing of potions could be seriously affected by the number choice of the ingredients and the dates of the making and the number of stirs… Arthimancy was so fun! "And if they used a dragon's egg, well, that'd be great."

"What'd happen?" Sirius asked, looking back and forth between the pair of them.

"It could blow up a small country if you picked the right ingredients," Lily noted.

"Or a large country if you picked the wrong ones." James shrugged and winked at Lily.

"I don't like being left out," Sirius interjected. Lily laughed and looped her arm through his.

"You're only left out because we don't like you." Lily smiled as he yanked his arm away from her.

"I liked you embarrassed and irritated when I teased you about Sputnik," Sirius muttered.

"And you love me being sarcastic and snippy in general."

"Only this much," Sirius replied, showing his thumb and forefinger very close together.

"But because we're secret best friends, that really means you like me _this _much," Lily whispered, holding out her arms as wide as they could go. Sirius took advantage of the situation, picked Lily up and twirled her around as she squirmed to get away.

"See? Can't keep your hands off me," Lily quipped, back on the ground. "Though I desperately wish you would."

"So does his girlfriend," James added. Lily glanced around and tried to spot a girl watching that might be a girlfriend of Sirius's. Lily didn't think he was dating anyone.

"You have a girlfriend?" Lily grinned. That would be the perfect revenge. "Who's your girlfriend?" Lily asked, still looking around, though she couldn't notice anyone.

"Never you mind," Sirius said, patting Lily shoulder. "Never you mind."

"Do you have an aversion to commitment words?" Lily asked, continuing to walk to Potions.

"He runs from them like the plague."

"The plague was a disease, James. It's didn't run," Sirius said condescendingly.

"I meant you ran from commitment words like you would run from the plague."

"The plague was a disease, James. You can't outrun a disease," Lily added, mimicking Sirius's tone.

"I hate you people," James muttered. "You always take metaphors too literally."

"We're hurt, aren't we, Lily?" Sirius said, resting an arm across Lily's shoulder.

"I'll weep tonight," Lily replied, stepping out of Sirius's reach.

"Honestly, James, I don't know what your problem is," Sirius said, reaching out a hand to the dungeon door.

"Want to talk about your girlfriend, Sirius?" Oh. Lily wasn't fooled by that casual tone for a moment. That was a threat. How fun!

"Want to talk about yours?" Sirius replied in a similarly threatening tone. What?

"Isn't Tracy dating a seventh year on the Quidditch team?" Lily asked, confused. James looked over at her, his expression mirroring hers.

"Yes."

"Then what-"

"James has plans in the work," Sirius whispered in her ear as he pulled on and held the door open for Lily to pass through.

"Thank you," she said, nodding toward the door.

"Hey!" Sirius cried out. Lily turned to find him looking at James. "Did you just smack the back of my head?"

"Be glad I didn't punch it."

Oh, now Lily felt really badly. Sure, Sirius had mentioned Tracy indirectly, but Lily had been the one to actually mention the name. It was obviously the broken relationship between the two of them was still a sore spot for James.

Lily saw Sam seated in the middle left of the room and made her way over, setting her bag on the table.

"Hey there, stranger," Lily said, sitting. "Why didn't you come by Arithmancy?"

"Because the last two times I went, you were chatting with a group of people," Sam replied, opening her potions book and riffling through it. "I figured you found a new group to walk with."

"Oh," Lily said, feeling left out. Why hadn't Sam talked to Lily about it? That was their thing, their tradition: walking between classes chatting about nothing important. "No. I'd rather walk with you. You're my best friend. We need bonding time."

"And that time ought to be the two minute walk from your Arithmancy classroom to the dungeons?"

"Well," Lily began, "either then or when we break a lot of school rules."

"I'll come by next Arithmancy class," Sam consented.

"Good."

"Hey, Lily," James whispered, leaning over in his chair across the aisle.

"Yes, James?" Lily replied, leaning toward him and whispering too.

"I bet you a sickle I can answer more questions than you today."

"Answer them correctly?" Lily clarified. He smirked and nodded. Lily thought a moment. Potions wasn't exactly her strongest class and while she had prepped for this class, it wasn't as thoroughly-- oh eff it. When had she ever turned down a challenge?

"You're on," Lily agreed. James nodded and straightened in his seat.

"What was that all about?" Sam asked.

"Just a fun little wager," Lily replied. Sam smiled at Lily, smiled at James, and then nodded at Sirius. Why were people always nodding at Sirius? That was irritating.

"Obsessing again?" Sam whispered. Lily looked over at her, smiled, and shook her head.

"No," Lily replied. "I think I'm getting over that. I just-- I really like being his friend."

"I'm glad."

"He's so _funny_, Sam." Lily's smile grew. "Like today in Arithmancy--"

"Yes?" Sam prompted after Lily cut herself off.

"Oh, nothing, he was just funny in general."

"Why'd you cut yourself off?"

"Because I was about to tell a story that was a 'you had to be there' story."

"Thanks for keeping that to yourself," Sam said.

"I'm always looking out for you, Sam."

"Good morning, class. How are all of you?" the professor greeted.

"Fine, thank you," Lily chimed in, then glanced at James and surreptitiously held up a single finger to show that she'd already answered one of the questions correctly. James's eyes widened as he grinned and shook his head. Their wager was on.

** – **

"So you and James are getting along better?" Sam asked, vanishing the remainder of her potion as Lily packed up their ingredients.

"A little, yeah," Lily said, putting his sickle in her robe pocket. "Sirius kind of forced it on us."

"But aren't you happy being his friend?" And there was the word again: friend. Friend. Ew.

"It's still a little awkward at moments," Lily explained. The two girls were the last ones in the dungeon classroom.

"Why?"

"I don't know," Lily admitted, shrinking her Potions book and shoving it into her bag. "We're fine talking about school and things, but anything more and it's like-- I don't know, it's as if, though neither of us wants to say it, we won't--"

"Won't what?" Sam asked, lifting her bag onto her shoulder and turning to face Lily.

"Won't admit that we're still really uncomfortable around one another," Lily concluded, lifting her own bag and heading out the door with Sam. There was more to it than that, obviously. "I don't want to like him again, Sam."

"What do you mean 'again'?" Sam stopped walking and turned to face Lily, who shifted her weight from foot to foot.

"Didn't I tell you? I decided to stop liking James."

"You decided?" Sam repeated quickly, too quickly really. "When did you decide that? Why?"

"Sometime in March." Lily wondered why Sam's voice, while sounding calm because Sam could always feign calmness when she wanted, had an undertone of confusion and a little panic.

"March? That was over a month ago," Sam said, her eyes were shifting back and forth across Lily's face.

"Yeah, I guess so. It was right around the time when he and Tracy broke up," Lily said. "I didn't want to be his rebound."

"You didn't want to be his rebound? Was that even an option?" Sam repeated. Lily nodded, turning and continuing up the stairs, only to have Sam's hand sneak out and grab hers.

"No. But it doesn't matter. Sirius and I talked about it," Lily said.

"Talked about what?"

"James and Tracy," Lily replied, "and I just didn't want to keep having James be in the centre of my life."

"Sirius knows?" Sam asked. Her eyes seemed to unfocus, as if she was no longer seeing Lily. "Uh-oh. I have to go, Lily. I need to talk to Tracy."

And Lily's black-haired friend raced up the rest of the stairs two at a time. Lily shook her head at her friend's strange behaviour and followed at a slower pace.

** – **

Well, lunch came and went. Then classes started and ended. And Sam and Tracy were nowhere to be found. So when, at dinner, Lily found herself sitting alone with Christine at the end of the table, it wasn't exactly a surprise. Actually, it was sort of a relief. It meant she and the blonde girl could talk without fear of others listening.

"Remus has been really distant," Lily complained to Christine.

"Kiss him," Christine suggested.

"What?" Lily asked, turning to stare incredulously at her friend.

"Kiss him," Christine repeated, munching on her carrots.

"How will that help the situation?"

"Don't worry. It will. Kiss him." Christine ate another carrot and Lily glanced down the table at the four male sixth year Gryffindors. James laughed and playfully shoved Sirius, who was also smiling. Peter threw a pea at the pair of them and Remus smiled his tired smile then glanced worriedly out of one of the windows.

"He hasn't been talking at all during patrols for nearly a month and you want me to counter that by jumping him?" Lily asked, clarifying as she turned back to her friend.

"I said kiss, but jumping him would work too." Christine stood.

"I think you give stupid advice," Lily muttered, pushing the food around her plate as Christine walked over to the Ravenclaw table and sat on Matt's lap.

"Lily?" came a tiny voice beside her.

"Hey," Lily greeted the girl to her left whose name she should have known but didn't.

"I'm trying to pick classes for next year," the girl said, sliding over. Her friends were looking at the pair of them with wide eyes. When Lily smiled at them they went back to looking at their food.

"You want my advice?" Lily asked, positive that the surprise in her voice was apparent.

"Yes," the girl said, looking down at her list of classes. Why anyone would ever want her opinion about classes, Lily couldn't even begin to fathom, but she supposed it had something to do with her prefect rank.

"What's your favourite class?" Lily asked, sliding the list over and scanning it. Were there really so few options?

"Charms."

"Nice one," Lily said, smiling. "That's my favourite too."

The girl blushed and looked down at the paper. Why was she blushing? She was a girl. She couldn't have a crush on Lily or anything, could she?

"Do your friends need help at all?" Lily asked, catching them glancing over.

"They're scared to ask for it," the girl whispered.

"Why?"

"Because, Lily, you are so fabulous and wonderful and _old_," Sirius answered as he and his group walked past. Lily rolled her eyes, leaned back in her chair and flicked him before he was too far out of reach. He laughed as Lily quickly returned her attention to the girl beside her.

"Are you a Muggle-born?" Lily asked. The girl shook her head, eyes trailing Sirius.

"Then I'd recommend Muggle Studies, which I hear is both easy and interesting," Lily replied, pointing to the class on the list. "The professor is supposed to be great."

It took all of five minutes to pick out Rebecca Baker's classes. In all of that time, the second year's friends whispered back and forth between each other without ever once actually addressing Lily, though they pointed a lot. Finally, Lily asked about it.

"Oh," Rebecca whispered, "they don't know if it's all right to talk with you."

"Why?"

"Well, you're a sixth year."

"And?"

"And you're a prefect."

"And?" Lily asked, trying to think back on her first few years at school and determine whether or not she'd felt comfortable chatting with older students. She supposed she never considered it.

"And you're Lily Evans."

"Oh, well then," Lily muttered. Shaking her head, she asked Rebecca what she wanted to be when she grew up in order to determine which classes Rebecca _had _to take and found herself very amused to find the girl's response was 'head girl.'

"I meant when you left school," Lily corrected.

"Oh. I don't know. That's really far away."

"Not that far," Lily said, smiling. To her, second year felt like yesterday. "But if you want to be head girl, I'd recommend talking to Professor McGonagall about what you could do."

"Oh. I don't think I could actually be head girl," Rebecca said.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm nothing like you."

"Me?" Lily repeated. "I'm not head girl."

"But you will be," Rebecca said.

Lily smiled and shook her head. "I'm not really cut out for it."

"You started F.A.D., didn't you?" the girl asked.

"All of the prefects did," Lily replied.

"Yes, but they say that it was your idea."

"Who says that?"

"Everyone. They say you'll be the next head girl." Lily laughed and Rebecca looked confused, then downcast.

"Oh, Rebecca," Lily said quickly. "I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at the thought that I could be head girl."

"But you could."

"Why do you say that?" Lily asked, deciding to humour the girl.

"Because you're smart and nice."

"I don't know about that."

"_I _want you to be head girl," Rebecca said. "Everyone likes you, even the Slytherins. Even Sirius Black. I think you'd be a good head girl."

"Well, thank you," Lily said, blushing slightly even as she found herself amused by the fact that she thought Sirius Black and the Slytherins were equally difficult to please.

** – **

It took a while for Lily to get back to her dorm. So long, in fact, that she barely had time to drop her bag off before she turned around and raced out of the common room in order to make it to the Great Hall in time for her patrol.

"Lily, we need to talk!" Tracy called across the common room. Lily wondered where she'd been all day. And where was Sam for that matter.

"I have patrol. We'll talk after that, okay?" Lily called back, watching Sirius Black run up to Tracy and cut her off from Lily's view. Lily would have left right there if it hadn't been for--

"Get the hell away from me, Sirius Black," Tracy screeched. "I can't even _believe _you!"

Sirius picked the beater up and carried her into the boy's dorm door, where she briefly saw a flash of Peter Pettigrew speaking rapidly to Sam. Lily was about to head over there and see what the commotion was about when the clock chimed. She had to go to patrol now.

Besides, that argument probably had nothing to do with her and wasn't her business. Her friends would fill her in later if they wanted to, and if they didn't, she wouldn't be annoying by butting into private arguments.

And with that comforting thought, Lily left the Gryffindor common room.

** – **

"Matt?" Lily asked as she began to recognize the approaching figure.

"Hello, Lily."

"What are you doing here?"

"Your partner asked me to take over for him," Matt said, smiling. Lily tried not to feel disappointed. First Remus had basically gone silent on patrols for the last month and now he just disappeared? That sucked.

"You don't still think he's a werewolf do you?" Lily asked.

"It would be a little difficult as he did manage to patrol on a couple of full moon nights."

"That _is _a little difficult to reconcile."

"I feel badly about even thinking it," Matt admitted, following Lily as she led him down a corridor. He really was good looking. He was like a storybook hero. He didn't even need a white horse.

"Don't feel bad about it," Lily said, twirling her wand in her hand. "Just admit you were wrong and give me a thousand galleons."

"A thousand galleons? Why?"

"You have to have a reason?" Lily retorted. He chuckled and shook his head.

"I forgot how much I enjoyed patrolling with you," Matt said.

"Well, you have all night to remember. Don't feel to overwhelmed by my general fabulousness."

** – **

Matt was a strategic patroller. Lily had forgotten that, but now she recalled that he liked being methodical about his hunt. They would open doors at different times progressing from the top of one tower down to the main floor and then they would move to a difficult tower. It's what made it so easy to avoid him on his patrols.

"So you aren't too disappointed that I'm here tonight?" Matt asked as he returned from checking a door. Lily narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"Christine told you."

"Told me what?"

"Don't play dumb," Lily accused, shaking her pointer finger at him. He held up both hands and tried not to smile.

"Well, she did admit that you may have an interest in—"

"Lily?"

Matt and Lily turned to find Remus running toward them. Remus? Wasn't Matt covering for him so that he didn't have to be there?

"I'm having flashbacks here, Remus," Lily said to him. "Did you miss the train again?"

"No," Remus said, reaching them and moving to stand next to Lily and glare at Matt. Geez. Lily knew he was upset about the werewolf comment, but she couldn't believe he was still bitter about it.

"What happened?" Lily asked.

"You can leave now," Remus told Matt. Now that was just uncalled for.

"Remus!" Lily snapped. She looked at Matt and shook her head at him. He, in turn looked suspiciously at Remus.

"Do you have a problem, Remus?" Matt asked.

"Leave and my problem will go away."

"What the hell?" Lily voiced, looking back and forth between the two and feeling helpless to keep them from saying even stupider things.

"I've already had this out with James Potter, do you want to have a go too?" Matt asked. He looked calm, but the way he was clinching his fist didn't bode well for Remus. In a fight, Lily had no doubt that Remus would be destroyed.

"Why didn't you find someone else to take the patrol?" Remus asked. Well, why would he have? Lily wondered.

"You're wrong about this whole situation," Matt said. His nails looked to be digging into his own flesh. That couldn't be good.

"I'm wrong?" Remus repeated, spitting the words and taking a step toward Matt.

"Listen, I don't know what you're fighting about but--" Lily tried to interrupt.

"Lily, have you ever wanted to date me?" Matt asked, turning toward her and as a result being unable to see Remus's fist come flying at the side of his head.

"_Stupify!" _Lily cried just before the fist connected. Remus fell to the ground with a soft 'thunk.' "What the hell was that?"

"How did you cast that spell so quickly?" Matt obviously was _not _concerned about the important things here. He'd almost been attacked by one of his prefects and all he could talk about was the speed of the spell?

"Matt, what the hell was that _about_?" Lily pressed, using her wand to point back and forth between him and Remus.

"You should talk to him about that," Matt said, looking down at Remus. "And when he wakes up, let him know that I understand."

"What do you mean you understand? The idiot tried to punch you!"

"For the right reasons," Matt replied, shifting his gaze from Remus to Lily. "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure."

"Yeah, right, of course," Lily replied, still shaking her head at Remus's strange behaviour. She turned and gave Matt and hug goodnight then turned back to Remus and seriously considered keeping him under the spell just to punish him for idiotically attacking the head boy. The head boy. No, she needed to take this spell off and start yelling at him immediately.

"_Ennervate_."

"What were you _thinking_?" Lily asked him after he blinked up at her a couple of times.

"Where is he?" Remus asked, pushing himself up.

"Matt left," Lily replied.

"Good."

"Good?" Lily repeated, watching him stand up. "You just nearly attacked the head boy and you think that's _good_? Who are you kidding? You're insane. You're an idiot."

"I was going to leave, but then I found out who your replacement was and I—I just couldn't let you have to put up with that for four hours," Remus explained.

"Put up with what? Walking with one of my best friends?" Lily didn't understand this at all. But maybe, despite all of their shared patrols, it was just that Lily didn't really know Remus Lupin. He was acting insane. And bipolar.

"I went through a lot to be here," Remus said, visibly upset. "It took forever just to find the two of you and you still won't admit it."

"Admit what?" Lily asked, reaching out and touching the sleeve of his robe, forcing him to meet her eye.

"Nothing!" Remus snapped, turning down the corridor and walking away. "Let's patrol."

"No," Lily said, running in front of and cutting him off. "Admit what?"

"I came because _he _was on your patrol. I came--"

"Wait," Lily interrupted, thinking fast. Why would Remus have not wanted her to patrol with Matt? Why would he have cared if she and the head boy were together? And why would he seem to think it was in Lily's best interest--

"Oh good grief," Lily sighed, realizing it and letting her eyes focus on Remus, standing in front of her, still angry, still self-righteous, still trying to defend her. Trying to-- it was just so adorably wrong. "You thought I liked Matt."

"Of course," Remus replied. "Was I wrong?"

"You thought he hurt me by dating Christine."

"Was I wrong?"

"You didn't want me to have to patrol with him because you thought it was too painful for me." _Oh Remus. Remus, you silly, conclusions jumping, wonderful, wonderful bloke!_

"Listen, we don't have to talk about this. I know--"

But Lily cut him off. She took Christine's advice and cut him off. She walked forward and pecked him lightly on the lips.

He jumped in shock.

With her lips less than an inch from his, her hands at her side, Lily whispered, "I never liked Matt."

"Oh," Remus muttered, staring at her lips and licking his own. "Oh, well then."

"Yes, well then," Lily repeated, feeling warm inside. Remus had defended her. He'd come to make her feel more comfortable.

"Do you think I could kiss you again?" Remus asked. Lily smiled and closed the distance between them, almost melting with pleasure when his hand wrapped around her and landed on her lower back, pulling her even closer until they were as close as they'd been behind the suit of armour.

And for one perfect, frantic moment, Lily let herself pretend that this was what she wanted. She parted her lips so slightly and nearly forgot how to breathe when he ran his tongue along her lower lip. She sighed and loved this physical moment for three, four, five more perfect seconds. And in that time, Lily was able to push all of her doubt, all her memories of Sam's warnings about rebounding with Remus, and all of her frustrations aside.

Then her eyes shot open as guilt slapped her across the face and she took a step back, deeply out of breath.

"No," Lily whispered, blinking back the tears in her eyes. "I can't do this."

"Why not?" He looked desperate and sad and eager all in one, taking a step forward and pulling her to him again. And it was just as wonderful this time to kiss him. Just as fun to massage his lips with her own and hear him moan. To feel him pull her so close to him that she was sure his entire body could feel her heart beat. But no. No. She pulled away once more, opened her eyes, and addressed him.

"I won't let you be my rebound," Lily whispered, but Remus shook his head and leaned in so closely that she could feel his lips moving over hers as he spoke.

"I don't mind being your rebound," he said, cupping her right cheek in his left hand.

"But I do," Lily said, taking his hand into hers and lowering it to her side. "You don't deserve that."

"I'll do anything," Remus said plaintively, playing with her hand that held his. "I just want to be with you."

"Not like this," Lily said, struggling to keep her eyes open and not focus on the wonderful tingling sensations that his hand was creating in hers.

"Not like this?" Remus practically yelled.

"No," Lily said. "Maybe later—after—when things aren't as confusing."

"I've done bloody everything to make you want to be with me." He paused. "All right. That sounds a little creepy."

Lily laughed briefly through her tears.

"Why do you hate me?" Remus sighed.

"I don't hate you," Lily breathed. "I don't hate anyone, but especially not you."

"Then why can't you just let us have this?" Remus asked, massaging her hand in his and making her so desperately want to just kiss him again. "You and I could work. Just give it a shot."

"I'm obsessed with your best friend," Lily said, wiping tears from her eyes with her free hand. "And you don't deserve that."

He looked as if she had struck across the face. He dropped her hand.

"Sirius?"

Lily laughed, despite the seriousness of the situation, and shook her head, wishing Remus could have been enough for her, wishing Christian could have been enough, but knowing that they weren't, knowing she couldn't drag him through all of this.

"Peter?" Remus choked out. "I didn't even know you two spoke--"

"Not Sirius. Not Peter," Lily said, shaking her head.

"Then—" He looked so confused. "What?"

"James," Lily said softly, looking down at the ground as her silent tear fell. Oh how she hated herself in that moment. Here she was, standing in front of probably the most perfect bloke she had ever met, and she still could not stop thinking about James.

"What?" he whispered the word.

"I know," Lily answered quietly back.

"Since when?"

"Since before he started dating Tracy."

"Dating Tracy?" Remus repeated, looking around the corridor as if the building could answer his questions.

"I'm sorry," Lily said. "I don't know why I liked him or why he never told you he was dating Tracy. I thought you'd put it together months ago."

"Put what together?"

"I never liked Matt," Lily said, lowering her gaze to the ground. "It was James. It was always James. Since fifth freaking year it's been James."

"You have got to joking," Remus said. "Are you joking?"

"Remus--"

"Oh fuck," he muttered, backing quickly away from Lily. "And I-- I didn't have to do any of-- but I thought-- oh fuck."

"Get away from her!" Tracy's voice reverberated around the corridor, and Lily distantly wondered whether Filch would be coming soon.

"Tracy?" Lily asked. Remus was looking at Tracy running up and shaking his head.

"I'm going to kill you," Tracy said, reaching the pair and shoving Remus backward until he hit the wall. Lily grabbed her female friend by the arm to stop her from hitting Remus and positioned herself between them.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily asked.

"Lily, get away from him." Tracy's dull blue eyes burned but never looked at Lily. Instead they stared behind her, at the boy Lily could not see.

"What's going on?" Lily asked.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" Tracy asked, jumping up and glaring at Remus over Lily's shoulder.

Tracy grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her out of the space between them and advanced on Remus. Lily tried to hold her back, but the beater was stronger than she appeared. She stood toe-to-toe with the six-foot Remus.

"Did you think I was an idiot?" Tracy hissed.

"Wait, please—Tracy—stop." Remus tried to interrupt, but Tracy was having none of it.

"Stop? Don't you dare!"

"Tracy—"

"Matt just came back—"

"Please don't—"

"And told me you showed up!" Tracy screamed. "And just today I put it together and _Sirius_—"

"Tracy—" Remus said, desperation in his face.

"What's going on?" Lily asked, tired and worried and desperately not wanting to be in the middle of this fight that she had nothing to do with, that she did not understand.

" Is that it?" Tracy hissed, yanking his apple juice pouch off his shoulder and waving it around like it was her beater's bat. "What's the matter? Is your hour _over_?"

"Tracy, she liked me. She thought we were dating," Remus said, giving up trying to get the satchel back and just pleading with Tracy. "She—"

"I know!" Tracy shot back.

"You knew?" He looked a cross between heartbroken and angry, betrayed and irate. He looked like, had he been someone else, he might have thought of cursing Tracy. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Don't you dare!" Tracy yelled, still too angry herself to see that pushing him was a bad idea. "Don't you _dare _try to turn this against me."

"You knew how I felt!" Remus yelled, gesturing at Tracy. "You knew I was doing everything I could—"

"No!" Tracy threw the satchel against the opposite wall, where it exploded. "No. I didn't know you were doing this. You stole and you lied and you betrayed everyone's trust. I didn't know that."

"But you knew—you _knew _she—" He pointed at Lily. "—she liked me!" He paused and turned to look at Lily, all anger draining away to leave but a shell of the boy she had known so well. "You liked me?"

"I did. I do. I'm so confused right now," Lily managed to say. What was happening?

"Of course you're confused!" Tracy snapped.

"Two years, Tracy!" Remus screamed. "Two years!"

"Yeah, well, it's been just as long for her and you don't see _her_ being an effing idiot, betraying your trust and lying to you!"

"What the hell is going on?" Lily asked, taking three steps backward.

"Lily—" Remus began.

"No," Lily said, pointing to the spot on the wall where Remus's 'apple juice' was staining and eating away at the stone's in the wall. "I want to know what the hell is going on right now."

"It's James!" Tracy screeched, pointing at a thoroughly guilt-ridden, confused, and upset Remus.

"He Polyjuiced himself to look like Remus," Tracy said, taking deep breaths and staring at Lily. "He stole from a seventh year project, pretended to be Remus, and went on patrol with you."

"What?" Lily asked, for lack of anything to actually say. What? What? What was going on? Lily took a few more steps backwards.

"Please, hear me out," Remus said. Only it wasn't Remus. Remus was melting, changing and fading even as that mark on the wall grew larger.

She waited and watched as Remus Lupin's face faded and James Potter's face emerged. It was a disgusting process, one in which his nose grew too big then shrunk into his head, in which his eyes arranged themselves and in which Lily's heart broke seven different ways.

"Oh frick," Lily muttered, taking a few more steps backward. "Oh frick."

Her mind was too full of horror and shame and embarrassment to process anything. This had to be a joke. A prank. This had to be-- to be-- something that it wasn't. Oh frick.

"Lily," James—Remus?—said as he took one of my hands in his. And that did it. That was enough to pull her out of the overwhelming flood of emotions and kick-start her.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Lily screamed.

"Wait—"

"Are you _fucking _kidding me?" Lily repeated. "Was this your idea of a joke—I can't even breathe. I can't even—are you fucking _kidding _me?"

"Are you all right?" He took a step toward her and she took four back.

"Get away from me! Get _away_!" Lily screeched. Looking at Tracy and James, standing side by side, standing together, Lily couldn't even muster the energy to jump to conclusions. She couldn't do anything. Anything except the one thing she desperately needed to do: scream.

"Lily, I came as soon as—" But Lily didn't care how soon Tracy had come. Didn't care that she'd come at all.

"You," Lily said, pointing at James, "you just stood there _pretending!_ I kissed you! What's Remus going to think?"

"Remus?" James asked.

"No, Lily, you don't understand." Tracy leaned forward, anger keeping her balanced as she glared at James—James in too short robes and James without glasses. "It's been James for months. He stopped only last month. Before that—"

"What?" Lily nearly fell to her knees. She needed to reach out a hand and put it against the wall in order to keep her balance.

"He's been taking it for months, pretending to be Remus. It was always—"

"Tracy, shut the hell up!" James yelled.

"_Reducto!" _Lily hollered, pointing her wand at the suit of armour in the far corner of the hall. The different pieces of it exploded around the corridor, rattling against the walls, and the breastplate that Lily actually hit with the curse unexpectedly melted.

"Effing hell," Tracy muttered from her crouching position, arms covering her head.

"If Filch didn't hear our yelling," Lily said into the steely silence, "I'm sure he'll have noticed that. I suggest you leave if you don't want ten thousand detentions."

"He can't—"

"I would," Lily replied, turning away from the pair of them and walking toward the melted metal.

"Lily—"

"Leave me alone," she said, cold fury hardening her words, pushing the pair of sixth years away.

** – **

And luckily, they both left.

Unfortunately, not everyone understood that Lily was in no mood to talk, to think, to walk, to cry or do anything except effing kill someone.

"Lily?" The voice came on the third floor, after Lily had been walking for quite a while. She turned to see Will McGrath stepping out from behind a sliding secret passage entrance.

"Don't you know you're supposed to avoid prefects when you're sneaking out?" Lily asked as she walked past him.

"But it's only you," Will said, shrugging as he raced to keep up with her. 'It's only you.' He just took it for granted that she was the person she looked like she was. He didn't even _imagine _that someone had taken an effing potion in order to pretend to look like Lily. Idiot.

"If I ask Chad to come out, will you promise to only take points off me?" Will asked. Lily stopped walking and looked at the first year who was smiling so brightly at her.

"How about, for today, I promise not to take points off anyone?" Lily suggested in clipped tones, so angry she didn't really care about her prefect duties anymore.

"Anyone?"

"Anyone under sixth year," Lily hedged, because if she saw James Potter or Sirius Black right now, who Lily had no doubt was involved, she might just take a thousand points off them both and then curse them to within an inch of their lives.

"Promise?"

"Yes," Lily replied.

"Okay," Will said, turning around he called out in a stage whisper, "Chad, you can come out."

And when the boy stepped out of the shadows near Lily, she wondered how she _couldn't _have noticed him there.

But then again, she was just blind, wasn't she? Remus hadn't talked the same, hadn't walked the same, hadn't even laughed at their common jokes outside of patrol! How had Lily been so stupid? How could she not have effing suspected that something was wrong?

"_Reducto!_" Lily cursed.

The corner of a wall was blasted apart. Using that curse in front of Tracy and James had been the first time Lily'd cast a curse since getting her new wand – technically the spells during the game were charms – and she had to admit that it felt good. It felt amazing. The curse just slipped straight out of her wand like it was as easy as effing breathing.

"Cool," Will breathed. Turning to stare as Lily passed the mess with the first years in tow. He loved messes.

"Are you just going to leave that?" Chad, apparently, was not such a fan of messes. Actually, Lily knew that about him. She'd known him since he was six and organizing his blocks by colour and size. If, of course, he really _was _Chad. Bloody Polyjuice Potion. Bloody James Potter. Bloody magic.

Lily looked at the crumbling wall and wondered if she really wanted to clean it up. It had felt so good to destroy, destroy a wall the way Lily desperately wanted to destroy James's face with her first.

"_Reparo_," Lily muttered, turning and continuing to walk before it had rebuilt itself completely.

"Are you angry, Lily?" Will asked.

"Yes," she replied, eyes flicking down to these two eleven year olds. Were they lying and tricking her too?

"Are you angry at a professor?"

"No," Lily replied. And hadn't James laughed in class when she mentioned flogging Will? Wasn't that a giveaway?

"Are you angry at me?"

Lily looked at Will and said, "No."

"Are you angry at Chad?"

"No." Lily smiled, then stopped. And hadn't 'Remus' always asked about James and how she felt about him and—frick.

"Are you angry at Tracy?" Will sounded hopeful, but when Lily thought about it she realized that she really was angry at Tracy.

"No." Tracy had been the one that showed Lily what a fool she'd been and Lily was irrationally irritated and angry about that.

"Are you mad at Sam?"

"No." How had everything gotten so out of control so quickly?

"Are you mad at Matt?"

"No." An hour ago, she'd been kissing the perfect guy. The perfect guy. Right. Frick! It had been sodding James Potter; she felt ill.

"Are you mad at—" Will faltered. "—I don't know anyone else."

"Are you mad at James?" Chad asked.

"No," Lily spat, but she turned her wand against the wall and said, "_Reducto!_"

And that curse felt so good. It was like sipping a glass of her grandmother's best wine. It felt like chocolate in the winter and ice cream in the summer. It felt right. And watching it collide with and blow a hole in that wall felt brilliant. The wall exploded in every direction, ricocheting off a couple of different walls and giving a few hollow thuds.

"Are you angry at the wall?" Will asked.

"Yes," Lily said. "I hate this wall." _This wall that watched me patrol with James, thinking it was Remus. This wall that watched me kiss him. That watched me laugh and fall for him again. Oh, yes, Will. I hate this wall._

"You should stop cursing it," Chad said, looking up at Lily with that serious expression of his. "What if someone had been next to it and you hadn't seen them?"

And that was a valid point. A very valid freaking point. A valid point that made Lily feel ill. She could have _hurt _someone with her stupidity. Frick. Frick! _Frick_! How had everything gone so wrong?

This was all James's fault.

"_Reparo,_" snapped Lily, hating that casting a charm did nothing to appease her anger. Casting a charm just felt normal, like this was all okay. But nothing was okay. Nothing.

She wanted to curse that wall again. Want to cruse it so badly that her wand almost itched to curse on it's own, without the incantation.

"What'd the wall do to you?" Will asked, grabbing a piece of rubble only to have it yanked out of his hand as it flew to put itself back into the wall as a result of her repairing charm.

"Nothing. It just stood there and watched me make an idiot out of myself," Lily said, turning abruptly down a set of stairs. The boys followed.

"Tracy says I always make an idiot out of myself, but I don't blow up walls for watching me," Will countered.

"Yeah, well, I have issues," Lily said. She really didn't want to be talking right now. She wanted to be blowing up walls and leaving them destroyed. She wanted to pretend like no one cared about her and mope in self-pity.

"Issues? What does that mean?" Will asked.

"That means I just want to crawl into a whole and cry for days."

"Don't cry," Will commanded. Lily shook her head. Boy didn't like crying.

"Why do you want to cry?" Chad asked.

"I'm just being an idiot," Lily said. She wanted to throw up. How was it so easy to go back and forth between being sick and being angry and being so frustrated that she wanted to cry or blow something up?

"_I _don't think you're an idiot," Will said.

"Well, thanks," Lily said.

"But you still owe me a F.A.D. note!" Will exclaimed. Chad stopped walking and Will did too. Lily turned to look at them questioningly. Both boys smiled and looked over at a statue. Right, the Ravenclaw entrance. Lily hadn't noticed. Had they even been walking in that direction?

"Night, Lily," Chad said, smiling a small smile and walking up to the statue. Will turned to look at her with his big blue eyes.

"You're really not mad at me?" he asked. She shook her head. "Okay because I didn't want you to be mad at me before and now I don't want you to be mad at me because I don't want to be blown up or exploded. Okay?"

"Okay," Lily said, smiling, fighting back tears, and hating herself for it. In an impulsive move, she pulled Will into a hug. He barely came up to her chest and he was so tiny, like a doll. She held him for a short time, but he quickly stepped away.

"Ew," he said, pretending to wipe his arms. "I don't hug girls."

"Even me?" Lily asked, smiling, loving his reaction, loving Will McGrath for being so perfectly eleven.

"Well, I suppose you're not really a girl," Will said.

"Oh. Thanks."

He wrapped his thin arms around her briefly, turned and then ran into his common room, but before the statue shut, he turned and yelled, "Hey! You owe me two notes!"

She owed him a thousand notes. A thousand and one.

** – **

Standing in front of the Slytherin entrance wall, Lily felt a little stupid. What had she expected? That Gertrude would just know she was there? That she would magically appear just because Lily needed her to be there?

Lily slid down the wall opposite the entrance and felt stupid. So stupid. But as long as she was already feeling stupid, Lily figured she might as well try her best to get inside. She started guessing passwords.

"Pureblood," she began. "Slytherin. Nitwit. Oddball. Crustacean. Mudblood. Hate. Voldemort. Death Eater. Oops. That was a little prejudice. Just open up, you stupid wall. Open! Open sesame."

A few minutes passed, Lily staring at the floor, unwilling to move.

"Abraca-effing-dabra," she muttered.

"I really don't think that's their password."

Lily scrambled to stand up and face Sirius Black and his muttered words. "If you come any closer to me, Sirius Black, I swear—"

"I thought you might come here," Sirius said. "For Gertrude."

"Don't think—Don't presume—You don't know me!" Lily said through clenched teeth.

"I didn't presume. I just knew."

"Do you have any _idea _what I've been through tonight?" Lily hissed at him, holding her wand in a duelling position and realizing for probably the first time the damage she could inflict with it. Sirius's eyes were definitely on the wand at first.

"James came back. He said Tracy found out about the plan—"

"The plan? The effing plan? You knew?" Lily asked. Oh she felt effing betrayed. Betrayed and hurt. He knew?

"Lily, James was trying to—"

"To what? Lie and hurt and _cheat _me?"

"He didn't think you'd fall for Remus," Sirius said. Lily was shaking her head. "He did it to get to know you. When he realized you were liking Remus, he stopped—"

"No. No, he was a selfish bastard," Lily spat. "And that conversation I overheard—you were talking about me—and—oh frick. I—" _I hurt so much_.

"Lily, he did it for you."

"No!" Lily screamed. Screamed. She just started screaming to let out her frustration. Screaming and screaming without stop until she was so drained that she wanted to fall to the ground again and cry. She was so angry and frustrated. She couldn't even muster the energy to want to blast a hole in the wall. She was just drained. Leaving Will and Chad just made her feel so lonely. Just lonely.

And betrayed. So very betrayed.

She saw Sirius standing five feet away and walked toward him with the intention to hit him, yell at him, curse him, and cry. But instead, Lily found herself standing before him, staring, drained and empty. So empty. And she wanted to ask him how could he have done this to her? How could James? How could—

But Sirius arms were around her suddenly and she was crying, sobbing. Trying to breath as her tears fell onto his robes. And she was hugging him back clinging to him. She was sure, had he chosen to let go of her, she would have fallen to the ground.

"Why?" she asked, taking a deep breath, still unable to regulate her crying as she turned her head to rest it on his shoulder. "Why did he do this?"

"Lily—" But even Sirius didn't have the words. His arms around her, supporting her, she cried as if Sirius was her best friend. She cried as if he could make this better somehow.

"He didn't mean to hurt you," Sirius whispered. Lily shoved off him and took two steps backward, wiping her eyes.

"And that's supposed to make it better?"

"Think of this from his point of view," Sirius said. "He's been after you for two years and you just kept—you didn't even give him a chance."

"I gave him a chance!"

"You shut him down at every opportunity," Sirius snapped. He waved his arm in the general direction of their dorm. "Even now he's up in our dorm, devastated, hating himself because of you."

"This is not my fault!" Lily countered. "This is not my fault."

"I'm not blaming you."

"It sure as hell sounds like you are," Lily replied. "If anything, this happened because of _you_."

"Me?" Sirius looked highly offended, but also guilty. Oh yes he looked guilty.

"You knew it all. I told you I liked him. I _told _you and all you did was tease me. Why didn't you just tell him? Or why didn't you tell me how _he _felt?"

"And how would you have reacted, Lily?" Sirius asked. "You think you would have given a shout of joy and run into his outstretched arms? Don't play stupid with me."

"How dare you," Lily said, wiping the rest of her drying tears away and giving into anger. "Don't you dare claim that you know me."

"I _do _know you, enough at least," said Sirius. Before Lily could protest, he continued, "You are one of the most complicated people that I know. You don't let anything be easy. You didn't say yes to the bloke who asked you out thirty-seven times last year. The bloke you liked! You fought Death Eaters on their ground and cast a shield to protect strangers, and you keep telling me that you are some sort of shitty student. You would bow to no one, Lily, and do you really think you'd have ever let anything be that easy? Especially anything with James?"

"Why does everyone keep talking about that effing Ball?" Lily asked.

"Because what you did was remarkable. You're remarkable," Sirius replied quietly, taking a step forward and grabbing Lily's arm before she could back away. "James has liked you for years and he thought he knew you—"

"He didn't—"

"No," Sirius said. "He knew nothing about you. He thought he did. We all did. I thought you were—but you aren't."

"I'm not what? Naïve, gullible, easy to lie to?" Lily snapped. "Oh. Wait. That's right. I _am_. I am all of those things apparently. Apparently I'm a freaking idiot!"

"He didn't do this to hurt you," Sirius said. "It started because he overheard Matt asking too many questions and we noticed the schedule of patrols. We did this to protect Remus. It had nothing to do with you."

"Then why did he keep it up?" Lily asked, unwillingly feeling both proud and disappointed: proud that James would work so hard to protect his friends and disappointed that he hadn't really done this for her. Well, that was stupid.

"He kept it up for you!" Sirius exclaimed, releasing her arm and throwing his hands up in frustration. "You. He's been following you around like a lost puppy for years, and he saw this as his one chance to get to know you and to get over you."

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Because he thought you'd found out about him liking you," Sirius replied. "He came back from those stupid Wednesday study things pissed and upset one night, saying it was over, that you knew and still hated him. He was going to throw in the towel."

"But he knew I liked him—he figured it out—"

"No. No, he didn't."

"He liked me?" Lily repeated, feeling so frustrated she wanted to curse something again.

"Yes," Sirius said.

"I don't believe you," Lily said. "This was just another prank."

"Fuck, Lily!" Sirius exclaimed, reaching his hands out as if to strangle her. Lily stood her ground and glared at him. "He was practically in freaking love with you and all you could do was yell at him because you thought he was teasing you! Stop assuming shit and just listen to someone for a change!"

"If he liked me, why would he _ever _do this?" Lily asked.

"To be with you," Sirius said. "The stupid bastard was desperate. He thought this was his only chance—"

"And you thought this was all so hilarious!" Lily snapped. "You looked at me and told me what _fun _this would all be."

"And it was!" Sirius replied. "Watching you two dance around each other was the craziest thing I've ever seen, but it has not end. I know you, Lily, as much as I need to. You and James—you're— Just go up there and talk to him."

"No," Lily said, shaking her head.

"No?"

"No." Lily shook her head and met Sirius's stare. "No. He lied to me. He broke my trust and confidence and—"

"Quit looking for excuses, Lily!" Sirius cut her off. "Stop it. You and James make sense. Just date him."

"Date him?" Lily exclaimed. "You've got to be joking."

"Why? You said it yourself, you were falling for Remus and still thinking about James. Well, that's perfect. They're the same person!"

"And that's supposed to make me happy?" Lily asked, shaking her head as shame overwhelmed her. "I've been bloody stalking Remus in classes, forcing him to—oh frick— forcing him to talk to me. James made a fool out of me."

"He made a fool out of himself." The pair turned sharply to see Gertrude Wrightman standing in the Slytherin doorway, the wall closing behind her. She turned to address Sirius, "I only just finished your owl."

"You owled her?" Lily asked Sirius.

"I figured you'd come down here to talk to her." And Lily didn't even want to think about what it meant that Sirius hadn't imagined that Lily would talk to her own dorm and house mates.

"James made himself look like a fool, Lily, not you," Gertrude proclaimed.

"Then why do I feel like such a—why do I feel like such an idiot?" and there were tears in Lily's words that she thought she'd already shed.

"Sirius," Gertrude said. Lily looked over to see him nod at Gertrude, shoot a worried look at Lily and begin to walk away. He stopped short of leaving, turning and facing Lily.

"He's the closest thing I have to family right now, and you're perfect for him," Sirius said in parting. "Even now, if you just gave in, I'd hate that, but he—"

"Sirius," Gertrude warned. He looked at her.

"He—"

"I know," she said, nodding at him. He nodded back, slow and sad, then turned and really left.

"Gertrude," Lily began, unable to find the words for her shame.

"I know." The blond, elegant woman of seventeen nodded at Lily as she had nodded at Sirius and Lily felt like the Queen herself was giving Lily permission to speak. But she pushed that absurd thought aside.

"What do you know," Lily began, her voice strengthened with the assurance of Gertrude's care, "about the polyjuice potion?"

"Enough."

"Tell me everything."

The pair, together in the dungeons of a thousand year old castle, sat in an old classsroom and talked of potions and lies, and deceptions. They talked about gullibility and the price of magic. They talked until Lily had blown a few more holes in a few more walls and tears had run out of her eyes. They talked until Lily was too drained to feel anything but a sad sort of longing for something she did not understand. But in the end, what they really talked about was two broken halves of a heart that all the king's horses and all the king's men seemed willing to put together again.

** – **

"Gertrude, he understands," Lily said, looking down at her hands that rested on her knees. "Every patrol—every patrol I always just remember looking at him and not knowing how he could understand everything I said, everything about Petunia and the Ball and guilt and heartbreak. But now I wonder if it wasn't all part of an act, I doubt myself too."

"He might have been acting," Gertrude allowed, shifting on the table she was sitting on, "but I doubt it. One of the most remarkable things about James Potter that I've observed is his ability to empathize."

"What do you mean?"

"James hasn't ever experienced a Ball or a sibling he hated, but he still manages to identify with the person who has experienced it."

"Can he?" Lily asked, hoping the answer was yes. "Can anyone really understand when they haven't hurt that much?"

"He has already understood, and he's gone a step further," Gertrude said. "He accepted Sirius despite his dark family, and Peter though he wasn't as strong as the others. He looked at you and saw what you went through and knew it wasn't something you wanted to talk about. I'm sure he never brought it up."

"No, no he didn't," Lily agreed.

"So, no, he hasn't been through what you have, Lily. He hasn't faced prejudice or grown up in a hard home like Sirius or been the bottom of the class like Peter, but that makes his acceptance and understand even more impressive."

"Does it?"

"James has never faced a challenge and yet he empathizes with everyone: took Sirius into his home, took Peter into his circle of friends, and fell in love with you despite the negative attitude toward Muggles right now."

"He didn't fall in love with me. He tricked me. He lied to me," Lily said. "He doesn't respect me."

"I doubt that very much," Gertrude replied, sliding off her desk and into a standing position.

"How could he hurt me this much if he cared about me at all? If he empathized?" Lily asked, playing with and tearing the seams of her robes, only to mend them a moment later.

"He didn't think he was hurting you," Gertrude replied. "Sirius told me James had no idea about your feelings. He was a victim too."

"I didn't lie to him."

"Yes you did, Lily," Gertrude said. "You told him you didn't care. Your actions told him you hated him. You're at fault too."

"He was malicious."

"Not intentionally."

"He was—"

"He was in the wrong. He shouldn't have done what he did. No one doubts that, but it isn't beyond forgiveness, is it?"

And though Lily did not want to admit it, was not exactly ready to admit it, she realized that she did think this was a forgivable action. She hated herself for being so weak.

"I know how he feels. I know how you feel," Gertrude said, watching Lily slide off her own desk and take a deep breath. "What are you going to do about it?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, shooting her friend a sharp look.

"Do you plan to continue crying and screaming and cursing things, or do you plan to become angry and productive?" Gertrude clarified, moving toward the door and resting a single hand on the handle.

"I don't—"

"Do you still want to be with him?" Gertrude asked. And Lily was momentarily stunned. Did she? Did she want him? Could she?

"Yes," Lily whispered, "I still want to be with him. That's why this hurt so much."

Oh that was shameful to admit, shameful to say aloud and hear aloud. Her self-hatred doubled. It was even worse to realize that despite everything, his actions flattered her. How was it possible to like someone so much that she could forgive even something like this, even something this horrible and invasive and blatantly disrespectful?

"Are you sure?" Gertrude asked.

"Yes," Lily replied in a louder voice, "but that doesn't mean I'll let him back into my life."

"Good," Gertrude said, pulling open the door and inclining her head to show that she approved Lily's conclusions. "Make him prove that he deserves to be beside you."

"What?"

"Make him prove it. Challenge him. Show him that you won't be cowed, that you won't cower."

"I kind of want to cower," Lily said, only half joking.

"No you don't," Gertrude said with such confidence that Lily almost believed her before realizing that they were talking about how Lily felt. Surely she knew how she felt more than Gertrude did.

"I do," Lily claimed, momentarily confused.

"Lily, look at me." She did. That was a mistake. "You would never hide from this. You would never hide from anything."

"I'm a bit thick, aren't I?" Lily joked.

"Make him deserve it. Stop crying and stopping blowing things up and start using that anger. Make him deserve you."

And Lily heard her friend's words, heard the instruction and truth in them, and nodded. Yes. Yes. He didn't deserve her tears. _She _didn't deserve her tears. Instead, she would take this and use this. Now that she knew, this secret was hers, not his.

That night Lily returned to her dorm alone, having found and excused three other people who were out of bounds, but she did not answer Sam or Tracy's worried questions. They would be dealt with later. Always later. And in the course of the one-sided conversation, Lily quickly learned that they had known how James felt about her. And they'd known how Lily felt and they hadn't said anything.

They'd known that Lily thought Tracy and James were dating and they had said nothing. They had been planning, with Sirius, for Lily and James to get together. And they were sorry.

Sorry.

Of course.

But she said she understood, that she was hurt, that they would talk about this later, and went to bed. She didn't realize it until later that

** – **

The next day found no traces of the crying, devastated, and shocked Lily Evans of the night before. Instead, Lily looked angry and confident. She looked scary, to tell the truth. But neither Remus nor James had made an appearance yet that day, and that just made her more angry.

"Where's James?" Lily asked, walking up to Sirius at lunch, briefly relieved that Remus still hadn't shown up.

"He's still in the dorm," Peter answered.

"Oh, you better tell him that if he doesn't get his arse down here in time for Transfiguration, that I'm going to take fifty points from Gryffindor," Lily told Sirius.

"What? Why?" Sirius asked.

"Because he has no right to hide. No right. If anyone should be hiding it's me."

"But you aren't."

"No," Lily said, steel in her voice, "I'm not hiding anymore."


	18. All Over Again

**Chapter 20**

**All Over Again**

"No," Lily said, steel in her voice, "I'm not hiding anymore."

"So I'll just go and get him then?" Peter asked, moving to stand. Lily's eyes flickered toward him, then back at Sirius, who was barely hiding a smirk. Lily wanted to lift up a plate and throw it at his face, watch something shatter that smile that had no right – _no effing right –_ to be there.

"Peter, did you know?" Lily asked, turning back to the boy she didn't know so as to keep her anger in check.

"Know what?" Peter repeated, obviously squirming. Lily gave him a hard look and his eyes widened in realization before nodding. Lily's anger grew. Right. Of course.

"We'll go fetch him for you," Sirius said, and though he said it with a straight face, Lily knew that tone. She knew he was teasing her. Teasing her as if he hadn't just betrayed everything in their friendship, hadn't lied to her for months, hadn't played with her feelings for months.

Without thinking about it, Lily snatched a handful of grapes from a bowl on the table and threw them at Sirius as hard as she could. He looked up at her with confused and sort-of hurt eyes and she just wanted to keep throwing things at him. Months. He'd been—

"Did you just throw grapes at me?"

"Be glad the house elves don't serve bricks," Lily snapped, turning and leaving the Great Hall a moment later.

"Lily!" called a voice behind her. Lily stopped-- more out of habit than desire-- to find Sam closing the gap between them.

"Sam," Lily acknowledged, beginning to walk away. Sam paced with her.

"Lily, we have to talk," Sam asserted.

"Really? What about?" Lily asked with clipped tones and a pretend ignorance. She was sure she was annoying her friend and couldn't have cared less.

"About what happened last night."

"I thought we already talked about that." Lily didn't exactly remember what Tracy and Sam had said to her the night before, but she was sure they had been trying to calm her down, to make her forgive and forget.

"Don't be obnoxious," Sam snapped. Oh. No. Wait. Lily remembered that they admitted that they'd known James had liked her since the beginning of fifth year. Oh, and they'd known that Lily thought James and Tracy were dating. Right. And they hadn't bothered to correct her wrongful assumptions.

"Don't lie to me for months on end," Lily retorted, speeding her pace as she stepped into the secret passage on the first floor. Sam followed and grabbed her arm, as the torches lit themselves, and the wall slid shut.

"Don't you dare try to blame this all on me," Sam said, Lily ripped her hand away from her and took a step forward, ready to just—just shove her friend into that wall.

"Did you or did you not lie to me for the past five months?" Lily asked tightly.

"You could've ended that at any moment," Sam answered. "If you'd made a single mention of Sirius Black talking to you about—about _anything – _I could have put it together. You could have told Tracy you liked James last year and everything would have been different. So no, I didn't tell you when I found out about James liking you. No, I didn't tell you that you were wrong about him and Tracy, so what?"

"What do you mean 'so what'?" Lily asked, incredulous. "You knew _exactly _how horrible he was to me when I liked him. You knew how hurt I was by the whole thing. How confused I was."

"And is that my fault?" Sam asked.

"Yes!" Lily screamed. "You were my best friend and you kept all of this from me!"

"It was for your own good," Sam answered. "You wouldn't have believed me if I told you—"

"My own good?" Lily cut her off, clenching her fists so hard she might have drawn blood if she'd had longer nails. "Who are _you _to decide what may or may not be for my own good? Who are you to decide?"

"I'm your best friend," Sam said.

"Right," Lily scoffed. "Right, and that means lying is just fine."

"You wouldn't have believed me. You'd never let anything be that easy," Sam repeated. And her words reminded Lily of Sirius and that just made Lily angrier.

"How dare you assume—"

"You wouldn't have—"

"How would you know, Sam?" Lily hissed the words at her friend. "How would you _ever _know?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asked.

"It means that you don't know what you're talking about and you should probably shut up about the whole thing," Lily said, counting to ten in her head and trying to calm herself down before she said something she didn't want to, something she wasn't sure Sam could handle hearing.

"How could I know what you're talking about if you won't tell me?" Sam asked.

"Stop trying to blame this on me! You and Sirius and Tracy and everyone need to stop blaming _me_!" Lily ordered, abandoning her counting and turning to walk away. Sam grabbed her hand.

"Tell me."

"Later," Lily muttered, trying to pull away, and trying to blink back those damnable tears that she wished would vanish. The stone stairs were blurring. She was so angry and frustrated she was crying.

"No, tell me now."

"Why?"

"Because later you won't say anything."

"Sam--"

"Just say it!"

"Fine!" Lily turned around and yanked her arm out of her friend's grasp. "Fine, you want to know what I have to say? Fine. I'm effing pissed off at you. So pissed off that it feels kind of like hatred, but really, it's just that I feel hurt and abandoned and useless."

"What?" Sam looked so confused.

"You gave me twenty feet of parchment and then practically disappeared from my life. You don't sit by me in classes. You don't even come by Arithmancy anymore." Okay, so that last point was childish, but still true. "You don't tell me when the guy I've been obsessed with likes me. You don't correct my mistakes. It feels like you chose James Potter, a practical _stranger_,over me!"

"You're the one that won't speak to me," Sam accused.

"Me?" Lily repeated. "Are you joking? You and Tracy disappear for hours together, and I'm supposed to think what? That you know James Potter likes me and that you're plotting to get us together? Am I insane? Why would I _ever _think that?"

"I wasn't avoiding you. I was working _for _you."

"By lying. Oh good."

"That's _not _what happened."

"No," Lily agreed. "No, you're right. You've been avoiding me for much longer than all of this. Actually, since New Year's Eve and that damnable Ball. Well you know what? It's not my fault that Voldemort's Death Eaters attacked that Ball and avoiding me won't help you avoid him!"

"What? Lily that has nothing--"

"Don't tell me that has nothing to do with this. You and Tracy haven't been able to look me in the eye since that night." A sort-of sob lodged itself in Lily's throat but she screamed her way through it. "Don't you think I felt dirty enough after that night? That I was ashamed about what happened? And then you wouldn't even let me laugh about it. He's just a man, Samantha. He'll grow old and die or some Auror will land a lucky curse, but either way he will die."

"I know that, Lily."

"Then why do you act like this? What did I do?" Lily leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms over her chest, letting herself slide down the wall until she was sitting. Sam stood watching her, then slid down the wall opposite her and sat staring at Lily for one uncomfortable moment. Then another and another.

"I didn't know," Sam said.

"You didn't know what?" Lily asked, looking at her hands.

"I didn't know that you'd ever imagine--" Sam stopped and turned to face Lily. "I guess I might have been-- but I didn't mean to avoid you for those reasons, Lily. I didn't mean to avoid you at all. It just kind of happened."

"It always does," Lily muttered, thinking of Petunia and how Lily was the one that was just letting her sister fall away. Lily thought of her parents who she wrote to less and less often. Lily thought of Adrianna whom she had simply let fall away. "But it hurts the most with you because you were—you are my best friend. You were the one that knew."

"I'm scared of what's coming, Lily," Sam confessed, looking down at her hands. "But I never meant to take that out on you. I know that you-- I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's just me."

"Great," Lily muttered, swallowing back her tears, still angry. Actually, angrier because of how sad she now felt. She looked at her watch, stood. "I have to get to Transfiguration now."

"All right," Sam said, looking at her knees. Lily turned and walked up the stairs, pausing to look at Sam and swallow her anger enough to address the girl.

"We'll talk later," Lily offered, turning and walking away, wishing she hadn't promised herself she wouldn't blow up any more walls. It would have felt divine.

"No," Sam whispered causing Lily to pause in her step, "we won't."

But Lily did not turn. Instead she walked away from her best friend sitting on the ground. Sam had been a constant in Lily's life since she was twelve. She'd been the only one that Lily had trusted with her secret infatuation of James Potter. Sam was the friend whose opinion of Christian had basically pounded in the final nail in the Lily-and-Christian-relationship coffin. Sam had known everything it was possible to know and still she'd betrayed Lily, kept her in the dark, played with her emotions, ignored and left her behind.

Maybe later Lily would be able to forgive Sam for that, but at that moment blowing up a wall seemed like a better option.

** – **

Lily was the first to arrive at the Transfiguration classroom. She sat in the front row and watched the door, watched the pockets of students enter and take their seats. Tracy came in, caught Lily's eye, looked at the ground and took a seat in the far back. Christine came in and plopped herself down right next to Lily, flipped open her book, and pulled out her homework to make a few last-minute corrections.

Sirius Black came in after a pack of Ravenclaws. Lily locked eyes with him, saw him look at her with large, apologetic eyes, and saw him move aside to reveal James Potter, looking a bit like death walking. More than a bit, actually.

But he met Lily's gaze and did not look away as he moved into his usual seat in the back row next to Tracy, who stood and moved a few rows away from him. That was when James broke their stare and looked sadly at the empty chair Tracy normally sat in. Lily felt a brief stab of gratitude for Tracy.

Then she remembered that Tracy had known that James liked Lily and Lily's gratitude evaporated.

"How did you answer number twelve?" Christine asked, closing her book and looking curiously at Lily. Lily, glad for an excuse to avoid thinking about James Potter, grabbed her homework out of her bag and handed it to Christine.

Somehow Lily managed to also take out her notes and listen to McGonagall's explanation of reciprocated transfiguration – changing one item and having that change reflected on a different, similar object – and she even took notes. It was like a very focused tunnel vision. Hey, this whole thing might actually improve her note-taking. Neat.

"To summarize, what objects can the _atomius_ _conflitarian _spell affect?"

Annoyed with life in general, basically, and unwilling to let irritating silences follow the professor's questions, as normally happened, Lily looked at her notes and, without raising her hand, said, "Metal objects smaller than a fist."

"And which objects can its sister spell effect?" Professor McGonagall asked, lips thin, obviously annoyed that Lily hadn't raised her hand.

"Unrefined natural objects the size of a bludger or smaller," came the voice from the back of the room. Lily turned in her seat to find James Potter staring at her, not smiling, not frowning, just staring. She set her mouth in a line and turned back to the front of the room.

"When will the object change to mimic the original?" Professor McGonagall prompted, looking for hands.

"With the _atomius_ _conflitarian _it could take up to an hour, depending on distance," Lily answered.

"The spell wouldn't work at all if the objects were over 100 kilometres from one another," James added.

"But the sister spell has immediate responses or none, so it's easier to tell when you failed," Lily finished, unwilling to let James (who she refused to turn and actually glare at) have the final word.

"Unless you simultaneously cast a _tempurus esperatte _and wanted it to be delayed." Lily wanted to turn around and curse James so badly right then, the lying, deceitful—

"If you wanted it to be delayed, you could just use the _juntarium _spell and not have to cast two N.E.W.T. spells at the same time," Lily added.

"Not if you were using a material—"

"Thank you, Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, for your enthusiastic responses," Professor McGonagall interrupted harshly. "Next time, try to raise your hands."

"Yes, Professor."

"Sorry, Professor."

But while Lily had verbally agreed and James had verbally apologized, their actions seemed contradictory: the next time McGonagall asked a question both of them rapidly read their notes and skimmed their books for answers. When they found the answer, they shouted them out, and then the other person added something.

The whole process had the unfortunate effect of driving Lily to the brink of insanity. She wanted to throttle that bloke. James, turning redder and redder with each answer, seemed similarly angered.

McGonagall didn't seem to be faring that well at the end of the class period when she asked Lily and James to stay behind. Once the rest of the students left, Lily and James stood awkwardly in front of her desk, not even glancing at one another.

"I'm glad to see you are both participating more in class," McGonagall began, causing both Lily and James to jump in shock. What the hell?

"What?" James asked.

"It's nice to see two of my students participate more," McGonagall basically repeated, looking at James and almost smiling. Lily wanted to roll her eyes and then throw up. Even McGonagall had a crush on freaking Potter. "However, I must insist you raise your hands before speaking. Another day like today will result in point deductions from Gryffindor."

"Yes, Professor," they muttered together.

"You're excused."

Lily turned and practically sprinted out of that room, away from McGonagall and the lingering memory of what a spectacle she had made of herself in that class. But then, of course—of freaking course—James caught up with her and cut her off.

"You can't avoid me forever," James began.

"Excuse me, genius, but I never tried to avoid you," Lily snapped. "_You _tried to avoid me, remember? The whole not-coming-out-of-your-room-in-time-for-Arithmancy-thing?"

"But I'm here now," he answered.

"Sure, because I told your best friends they had to go up to the dorm and get you, coward." He flinched. Lily shook her head, trying to walk around him. He grabbed her arm and pulled her into one of the unused classrooms in the hall. Who did James think he was kidding?

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily asked, fuming as she tried to reach around him for the door handle. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back into the middle of the room.

"I'm talking to you about what happened," James answered. "You can leave if you like, but I'm here to talk."

He turned them around so that he was no longer between her and the door. She took three calming breaths, looked over his shoulder at the beautiful spring day outside, and realized his hands were still on her shoulders, feeling perfect.

"Why are you doing this?" Lily asked, tearing her eyes away from the window and looking at him. "What did you want from me? What do you want?"

"I just wanted you," he whispered, dropping his hands from her shoulders and looking at her with such longing that she literally ached. "What did you want?"

"I wanted—" Lily looked down at her hands and then back at him, torn between frustration, anger, sadness, and irritation. "—I wanted this."

She took a step forward, put her hands on either side of his face and pulled it down to meet hers. Then Lily kissed him with her angry lips, kissed him so hard that she was sure she was bruising something, but whether it was her heart or her lips she could never say. When she pulled back he looked both shocked and upset.

"If you want to be with me—" James began.

"No," Lily said, letting her hands fall to her sides and stepping away from him and feeling cheap—so very cheap—for having been weak and given in to her desires. She shouldn't have kissed him. She shouldn't have. But damn. It had felt so good. And it wasn't her fault she couldn't kiss him. It was his.

"No? Why no?" James asked, taking a step forward, wrapping his left arm around her waist and pulling her toward him. And Merlin help her, it felt wonderful. After all this time, all her lusting after him, all of the craziness of falling for Remus—oh. Oh wait. That's right. This was effing weird.

Lily stepped out of his reach.

"No. Not yet," she said. She was about to comment on his lying, on his betrayal and on her hurt, but when she caught the look on his face, she froze. He looked devastated. Frick! Fine. She sort of admitted to herself that he'd been hurt here too. Hadn't Gertrude mentioned something like that? But you know what? No. Eff that. No. Lily hadn't pretended to be someone she wasn't. She hadn't done anything nearly as repulsive as he had.

Then why, why, why did she want nothing more than to jump at him and wrap her arms around him, press herself so close to him that every part of her felt him, and then snog him until they both forgot this whole effing mess? Why was she such a freaking hormonal, senseless teenager?

This sucked.

"Frick. I hate this," Lily muttered, turning to leave the room.

"Hate what?" James asked, his voice effectively halting her movements.

"I hate that you made this not okay," Lily complained, leaning her head against the wall.

"Made what not okay?" At least he wasn't coming any closer. At least he wasn't making her want to banish him through a window, off a tower, and into a dragon. At least he wasn't acting like the James she had thought she'd known. He was, instead, acting like the Remus she'd thought she'd known. But which one was he really? Was he wonderful Remus-James (Jamus) or was that just acting? Or had he been wonderful all along and she just hadn't noticed? Frick. She hated this uncertainty.

"I hate that you made this—us—not okay," Lily clarified, gesturing with her hand above her head between the two of them even as she continued to press her head against the wall.

"This is okay," James said. He was definitely closer now.

"This is not okay," Lily protested, turning around and finding that he had taken a step toward her. "This is in no way okay. This might have been okay without the lying and potion-ing, but now, right now? Definitely not okay."

"What would you rather me have done?" James exclaimed, surprising Lily. Was he as angry and frustrated as Lily? Eff that.

"Don't yell at me!" Lily shouted. "I'm not the one that made this mean, manipulative decision!"

"And of course this was mean and manipulative!" His voice was laced with sarcasm. "It couldn't possibly have been me desperate to get your attention, desperate to get to know you and get over you by realizing that you really are just human. And it couldn't have been me just wanting to spend more time with you because I liked you. No. It was mean and manipulative."

"Oh! So you did this because you _liked _me? Then it's just _fine _that you tricked me into falling for a different bloke!"

"It wasn't a different bloke. It was me! Always me!"

"And it's always _been _you, James!" Lily exclaimed. "I told you that last night! It's always been you and it could have been you now, except that you're an effing idiot."

"So that's it?" James asked angrily. "One unfixable mistake and that's it?"

"Maybe that _is _it!" Lily yelled. Sure, she remembered what she'd said to Gertrude the night before, remembered saying she'd already forgiven him, but honestly, standing in front of his angry face and hearing his angry words, she just wanted to punch him. Or kiss him. And that second option irritated her. A lot.

"I didn't pretend I was Remus. Everything I said was just me—me. That's why I didn't want you asking about family! I didn't want to lie to you!"

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed with mock excitement. "You didn't want to lie to me? That changes everything, doesn't it? I mean, you never pretended to be Remus except—oh, that's right! You used the fucking Polyjuice potion to make yourself look like him!"

"Yeah, except for that, I _was_ honest!" James answered. Idiot. Freaking idiot.

"Oh, that's _fine _then," Lily screeched. "You know, maybe I'll just go snog Matt McGrath or Remus now, since one of us has thought I liked them for months now. Maybe one of them will secretly be someone I like Polyjuiced and then everything would work out. Yes, that sounds like a _brilliant _plan."

James looked at her, stunned, visibly controlling his anger, then he took three steps forward and Lily thought he was going to hit her, but instead, his hand grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into another kiss.

And good grief how she enjoyed this kiss. He was angry this time, dominating. But she was too angry herself to let that happen. She fought him, bit his lip and pulled him closer.

When they broke apart, both were out of breath. Frick! Lily wasn't supposed to have done that. With the arms on his shoulders she'd used to bring him closer, she shoved him away.

"Stop attacking me," she said.

"Stop pretending like you don't want me to," James replied, smirking. Was he kidding? Was he effing _kidding_? No. No. He'd really just said that. Just--

"Oh boy was that the wrong thing to say," Lily hissed at him. "Oh _boy _was that the wrong thing."

She grabbed and turned the handle on the door and tried to open it, but James's right hand reached above her right shoulder and kept the door shut. And now she was trapped, his body—his nice, safe, warm, and wonderful body—behind her and the unopened door in front. And was it bad that she just wanted to sigh and never move? Yes! Yes it was.

"Don't leave. Don't run," he said in clipped tones, and his voice was quiet again, right beside her ear, enticing, pleading, stealing her anger with its softness.

"You stupid jerk," Lily replied, though she didn't move.

"Don't leave," he repeated. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," Lily said without thinking. She'd always before imagined James Potter to be incapable of being apologetic, but she'd come to find Remus to be so sincere. And if they were the same person—it hurt to have a person's entire opinion of someone changed overnight, didn't it?

"I am," he said. "I'm sorry. Don't leave. Talk to me."

And oh how Lily loved this moment: loved leaning back slightly and pressing against him and finding his hand sneaking around her middle, fingers curled so that the backs of his nails ran across her stomach. She loved the way her head came to rest on his shoulder and his face relaxed against her hair. She hated how much she loved it.

"I hate that this isn't okay," Lily said, blinking back tears of frustration and anger as she enjoyed their position for a few more moments.

"Why isn't this okay?" he asked, tightening his grip on her stomach.

"Because you wouldn't let it be," Lily said, pushing away from him, pulling open the door and moving to leave.

"I'm still the bloke that patrolled with you, that you liked, that you voluntarily kissed," James said.

"No," Lily replied, turning, "you're not. That bloke understood me. He told me the truth. He was honest. He respected me and—and he didn't make me practically hate myself for falling for him. No. No, that's not you. That's not what I see when I look at you."

"It is. Why are you—why can't you just—"

"Just what? Just forget that you lied?"

"Yes. Why can't you just move on?"

"That's not how these things work!" Lily snapped. "That's not how life works. You can't just forget the bad parts and proceed with the good."

"Sure you can! That's the joy of alcohol, really."

"This is really not the time for jokes," Lily said.

"It was funny," he protested. How could she have not known Remus wasn't acting normal? How could she not have listened to James's way of speaking and his intonation and known that he and 'Remus' were the same? She had been a blind fool.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for this," Lily said. _I'm lying. I can. Make me. Make me forgive you._

"Fine. Fine, if that's really what you want. Fine. I understand," James said, backing up. _No!_

"Good," Lily muttered, stepping through the door and letting it fall shut behind her. Lily hadn't thought anything could hurt more than watching Remus's face melt into James's. She didn't think her heart could hurt any more than that. She was obviously mistaken. This hurt more. Oh Merlin, this hurt so much she didn't know how she could stop hurting. He was giving up. He really wasn't Remus. He'd been acting.

And so the relationship that never should have been ended before it even began. It was doomed, she supposed, from the deceitful beginning.

"Lily," called James, making Lily briefly push her morbid thoughts out of her mind as she stopped walking.

"Yes?" she replied without turning around. She didn't want him to see her crying. How had she messed this up? No! No. This wasn't her fault. This was his. All his. And Sam's and Tracy's and Sirius's and maybe even Peter's and Remus's.

"I told you once that I was too stubborn to give up on that girl I liked," James reminded her. Lily thought back, remembering the conversation. Yes, 'Jamus' had once told her that. Had that been she been the girl they talked about? Had he been talking about her just as much as she'd been talking about him? How had they not clued in?

"I remember," she said.

"I'm still stubborn," he announced. She choked back a laugh. "And I'm still that guy you fell for."

"You mean Remus?" Lily asked with not a little bit of bitterness in her words.

"No. I mean James, who looked like Remus."

"Right," Lily muttered, shaking her head. "Right."

But she didn't believe him. Didn't think he _was _that person. As much as she wanted him to convince her, to chase her, she didn't think he could.

"James?" Lily stopped, turned and called, glad to see he hadn't gotten out of shouting distance. He turned, one raised eyebrow. "I'm so angry at you that I want to blow something up and pick up the pieces and throw them at you."

James laughed. "Good. I'm so frustrated with you that I want to toss first years into the lake."

"Yeah, well, good," Lily said, childishly needing to be the last one to speak.

"Lily?"

"What?"

"Sirius, he was just—"

"I know," she cut him off. "I know."

Lily had a free period and spent it mashing small, squashable food in the kitchen, frustrated that this was now her life, that she didn't want to talk to Tracy, didn't want to have to face Sam, and that she found herself completely understanding and forgiving that damnable Sirius Black. Oh, and she thought about James Potter and how he had to have missed Defence in order to talk to her. Yes, she thought about that much more than she should have.

** – **

Talking to Remus was Lily's goal the next day. Well, that and curse all of her friends into oblivion. Luckily, the first was the only goal she managed to accomplish.

"Hey, Remus," Lily had begun, swallowing the bile that seemed to have moved into her throat.

"Hello, Lily." He looked horrible. Well, he had been in the Hospital Wing. Oh, and he was probably a werewolf, but Lily decided to pretend like she definitely did not know that. Yes, denial seemed the best option at that time.

"Are you all right?"

"All right?"

"You _are_ in the Hospital Wing," Lily explained, gesturing around the room.

"Yes, well, I rather love it here." Right. Well.

"I know that James has been Polyjuicing himself and coming on patrols with me." No one ever said Lily had tact. And people had definitely mentioned that she was too blunt for her own good.

"Oh-- I—" Remus looked like he wanted to throw up too. Well, good. Misery loved company and all that.

"Yeah, just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to stalk you anymore," Lily said, adjusting her bag on her shoulder and preparing to leave.

"I'm sorry," Remus said quietly.

"You're sorry?"

"Sorry that I let him do that," Remus explained. Oh. Lily had known that. She remembered that conversation she had overheard. Remus had said what James was doing was mean and manipulative and that he wouldn't do it anymore. That, in Lily's book, made him worse than any of the other people involved in this whole sordid thing.

"I know you are," Lily said, but she didn't accept his apology. Sam and Tracy and especially Sirius had at least thought that they were working toward the common good. They had deluded themselves into believing they were doing the right thing. Remus had known it was wrong and still he'd agreed to do it.

"Are you and James dating?" Remus asked. Lily pulled a face.

"No." She thought about how James had acted in class that day: shouting out answers, trying to answer faster or louder than Lily, egging her into shouting louder and faster. She'd studied extra hard for Potions just to crush him beneath her heel.

"You're not?"

"Ask him about it," Lily forced herself to say. She was so used to looking at this face and being open and honest: talking about everything from her family to her boy doubts to her personal doubts to her love of freaking chocolate—everything. And now to look at him and keep her thoughts to herself… It was difficult.

"You don't have to stop stalking me," Remus offered.

"I don't?" Lily asked.

"It was kind of nice having someone sit by me every class." Remus was obviously trying to make the best of this situation. Well, eff that. Lily didn't quite know how she had believed for five months that this Remus could have been Jamus, patrol James/Remus.

But her anger was just making her harsh. Or maybe just honest. Or both. Both would be preferable.

"I'm sure I'll sit by you again," Lily said. But she was lying. This hurt too much, rubbed her nose in her own idiocy too much. No, this talking-to-Remus thing was probably going to have to end.

"I'm glad." He seemed desperate for Lily to forgive him, to like him. But she barely knew him and thought he was her freaking soul mate or some other stupid, contrived love idea. But he wasn't right for her.

"I hope you feel better," Lily offered. No. He wasn't her soul mate. He was Remus Lupin, that other guy in her year she didn't know. So why did it hurt so much to leave that Hospital Wing? Why did it feel like—like her heart was breaking again?

** – **

Now Sirius Black, it must be noted, does not take anger well. That is, he doesn't tolerate other people being angry with him. He had this awful tendency to do stupid things to alleviate other people's anger.

Once, Peter hadn't been speaking to Sirius after an unfortunate mishap during a prank in the Ravenclaw common room, in which Sirius had left him stranded, wearing only his robes as the seventh year Ravenclaw girls raced in to see what the commotion was. Sirius had had the house elves deliver a huge cake to Peter in the middle of History of Magic. Then he jumped out of it wearing a sign saying, 'I'm sorry, Peter. I love you,' and everyone was very, very confused.

In January, actually, Remus hadn't been speaking to Sirius and so the dumb, stupid, lovable Sirius had serenaded him from outside the Gryffindor tower with a _sonoras_ until everyone in the tower found a window and saw Sirius singing outside the tower (with back-up vocals from James and Peter, though the choreographed dancing was sketchy). McGonagall had shown up to see the show after the second song, transformed into a cat, roof-hopped down to the ground, and dragged all three boys away amidst shouts of "Encore!"

And so Lily really shouldn't have been caught off guard when April came to a close, two weeks after the Big Meltdown. She hadn't spoken to Sirius, really, in those two weeks. The last time she spoke to him, she'd thrown grapes at him. No, she definitely should not have been caught off guard. She should have known. And yet…

"Would anyone like to volunteer?" Flitwick asked at the beginning of Charms class on that Friday. It was everyone's last class of the day, and the man was just looking hopefully around at a room of too-cool-to-volunteer teenagers. And he would have been disappointed by their enthusiasm had James and Lily not continued to goad each other as they had been practicing for the past two weeks.

"James would," Lily called out, just as James announced, "Lily would."

"Splendid!" Flitwick smiled. "We'll have a proper duel, then."

As was their tradition, without looking at one another, James Potter and Lily Evans rose out of their chairs and walked to the front of the classroom, only looking at one another once they were forced to.

They hadn't spoken since that intense conversation in the empty classroom in the Transfiguration corridor, but they had continued cutting each other off in class, shouting out answers, correcting each other.

Just yesterday, in Arithmancy, Lily had said that a person born in March, on a Thursday had an affiliation for twos. James, freaking James, had quickly pointed out that she was completely wrong. _"If you'll just look at page two-hundred-and-twenty…" _Lily wanted to destroy him in this duel.

There had been an underlying tension that everyone noticed but no one talked about. Actually, Sam and Tracy had withdrawn even further into the shadows of Lily's life since that day, though Lily doubted that Tracy even noticed.

"Raise your wands in front of you and bow," Flitwick instructed. Lily inclined her head. James gave a large sweep over his arm and an elaborate bow that involved touching the floor with the tips of his fingers. Lily wanted to throw something at him. Something big.

"Don't forget to use the correct flicking motion with that shield," Lily cautioned James, smiling a tight smile.

"I won't, thank you, Lily," James replied. "And please don't forget that if you want to stop you only need to say the word."

"Good communication!" Flitwick complimented, though Lily didn't miss the way his eyes flashed between the pair.

** – **

Lily grumbled quietly as Flitwick kept her after class to look at her foot. It hurt, but not enough to actually matter. What mattered was that James had bested her and then—with a grin to match the Cheshire cat – explained exactly what she'd done wrong (dropping her left arm and leaving him with a perfect target in her shoulder, which she'd bent to avoid, leaving her foot exposed). Oh boy was she annoyed.

"Lily, you need to come," Christine announced, opening the door to the Charms classroom, marching in and taking Lily by the hand.

"Miss Evans's foot may be—"

"Yes, but no," Christine replied, shaking her head at Flitwick. "You can come too. Come. Come."

She ushered the two of them out of the classroom and into the corridor, where lilies lined the walls. Lily turned left and right. The lilies were everyone. Every inch of wall not covered by a portrait or door was plastered with a lily. First years had stopped to pick one off the wall and one had grown in its place almost immediately. It looked like Spring was angry and decided to take it out on the Hogwarts walls.

"What the hell is this?" Lily asked, forgetting to avoid cursing around a professor as she walked forward to glance down the side corridors. Yep. Also covered.

"This is brilliant!" Christine answered. Obviously she was daft.

"Did you do this?" Lily asked.

"No."

"Did a student accidentally—"

"No, no," Christine interrupted. "This is for you."

"It's so—" Lily couldn't find the word.

"White?" Christine suggested.

"Corny," Lily amended, still shaking her head at the wall as she reached out to touch a flower. But from where her fingertip connected with the wall, spread yellow roses spelling out… spelling out… well, it was actually difficult to read from this close. The yellow on white choice wasn't exactly helping matters, either.

She backed up and read, _I'm sorry, Lily. Forgive me._

"You have got to be kidding me," Lily muttered.

"This is an impressive bit of magic," Flitwick judged. Lily looked at him, surprised that her favourite teacher, the teacher she respected most was actually impressed with this monstrosity. He seemed to be looking at the ceiling. Lily followed his eyes, tilting her head back and realizing that the ceiling was covered in lilies as well.

Oh, yes, she should have seen this coming.

"We should," Lily mumbled, trying to suppress her general horror at this extravagant mistake, "go to lunch."

"Oh yes!" Christine agreed. "Just wait until you see the Great Hall!"

Lily, holding her thoughts of pure horror barely at bay, managed to turn and start walking down the corridor. She may have even said good-bye to Flitwick, but she didn't remember anything until she heard a couple of younger years "ohhhh" behind her. She turned to face them, stared at the ground, and turned back around, her feet unable to move.

"Christine?" Lily called out to her blonde friend who hadn't noticed her stop.

"Yes?"

"Please tell me there isn't a trail of lilies sprouting out of the ground behind me as I walk."

"There isn't a trail of lilies sprouting out of the ground behind you as you walk," Christine recited.

"Are you lying?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"I thought so." Lily shook her head and tried to forget to feel embarrassed as she continued toward the Great Hall. She should have gone to her dorm the moment she saw the walls and slept. She should have slept until the spell ended. But she was Lily Evans, and so she didn't.

The Great Hall was decorated with floating lilies. Everywhere. You had to move them aside to walk to your table. But, of course, every flower Lily touched turned into a yellow rose that croaked out a pathetic little recording: "Forgive me!"

Lily took out her wand and tried to banish the flowers, only to find them immune to that spell. So she summoned them and was surprised to see a dozen of them hurtle toward her, changing into a bouquet of yellow roses in her hand with a big, stupid, red and gold bow.

"Ouch!" Lily exclaimed dropping the bouquet at the thorns grew in.

"Oh, damn, I forgot to de-thorn the roses!" complained a voice sitting on the Gryffindor table, facing a glaring Lily.

"Sirius Black, what did you do?" Lily asked, walking forward, hearing the flowers sprouting out of the floor behind her. "And how did you do it?"

"I made you the world's largest bouquet of 'I'm Sorry' flowers," he answered, smirking. And despite two weeks of anger, Lily almost laughed. "As for how I did it, I had practically the whole house running around helping."

"Why?" Lily asked, uncomprehending. "Why did you do this?"

"I need you to forgive me." Sirius slid off the table and kneeled in front of Lily, summoning his own bunch of flowers with a bow. Lily noticed they didn't turn into roses when _he _touched them.

"And a simple, 'I'm sorry' wouldn't do?" Lily asked, but she knew the answer to that before his smirk appeared. No, a simple 'I'm sorry' wasn't good enough for Sirius Black. And, in truth, it wouldn't have been enough for Lily Evans either. She reached out and took the flowers by the tops so as to avoid the thorns this time when they transformed. She looked down at those stupid yellow roses and smiled.

"So you forgive me?" Sirius asked, still on that knee. Lily shook her head at him, smiling.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," Lily replied, "and the corniest. I mean, lilies?"

"Yes, yes," Sirius said, brushing her words aside, still kneeling, "but do you forgive me?"

"You lied and hurt me."

"I made you the world's largest bouquet," Sirius reminded her, smiling a huge smile, flashing all of his teeth and summoning more flowers. Lily looked around at the Great Hall, looked at all of those stupid, floating flowers and then back at Sirius Black, who had been doing nothing more than trying to help her and James.

"Yes, you stupid, extravagant fool," Lily said, smiling as she realized the extent of what Sirius had done for her, the sincerity of his stupid actions: he'd treated her as he had Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin, his best friends, "I forgive you."

He gave out a joyous yell and stood up, picking Lily up and spinning her around. When he put her down, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a real hug for a moment. Probably their first. She whispered in his ear, "Thank you. For everything."

"Mission Flowers was successful!" Peter announced, smiling at the pair. The Gryffindor table went wild, cheering like they'd won the House Cup.

"Mr. Black, what is the meaning of your blatant destruction of school property?" Professor McGonagall asked, pushing flowers out of the way as she came up to her house table.

"Destruction is a bit harsh, Professor," James answered for him, stepping forward from behind the veil of flowers that had been blocking him from her view. "It was more like redecorating."

"You have illegally used magic in the corridors," McGonagall accused. Lily smiled and looked down at her bouquet. He had, hadn't he?

"Do you have any _proof _of that, professor?" Sirius asked.

"Come with me, now. Both of you," McGonagall directed, leading the boys out of the Great Hall amidst cheering. Sirius and James grabbed a few lilies and mouthed that they were for McGonagall before the pair of friends bowed and stepped out.

"Oh my goodness!" "Are you dating Sirius Black?" "Are you engaged to him?" "He did all this to prove his love to you, didn't he?" "Are you going to have his babies?"

"Who are you people?" Lily asked, looking at the swarm of younger students that had flocked about her, asking such annoying questions. "No. What?"

And Christine was no help at all as all she did was leave Lily to the hounds as she walked over to the Gryffindor table and started to eat.

** – **

"Do you have ay idea how many times today I've been asked if I'm dating you?" Lily asked Sirius as the pair sat on a couch in the common room, playing exploding snap.

"I've started a rumour!" Sirius announced proudly, clearly pleased with his work. "Or, I should say James and I started a rumour."

"Why would you say that?" Lily asked, that tight knot of worry in her stomach whenever James Potter was the subject of conversation.

"Because he transfigured all of the candles into lilies and set the activation transfiguration spells on the flowers so that they would turn into yellow roses when you touched them."

"So he was responsible from the flowers that changed into yellow roses when I touched them and poked me with their thorns?" Lily asked. "That seems appropriate."

"But this was all my idea," Sirius said, sounding like a proud eight year old. "I'm the idea guy. James is the make-it-possible guy. Every idea guy needs one."

"Of course."

"Have you forgiven _him _yet?" Sirius asked, looking nervous, like he didn't want to strain their rebuilt relationship.

"I don't know. He doesn't get it."

"Trust me, he wishes he did."

"You know, the only time you talk like an adult about something, it involves James," Lily noted, watching the card castle-thing in front of her explode.

"Or McGonagall, the love of my life," Sirius answered.

"Well, yes, besides her." Lily laughed. It felt good-- great really--to sit beside Sirius Black in the middle of the common room, blowing up cards and laughing. She'd missed this, even though they had never done anything like this before. Maybe she had just missed him, which was odd because Sirius was a fairly new, if very overwhelming, friend.

But an orange-eyed lady had told Lily once that her future was tied to Sirius's. Lily had essentially ignored the woman's words, but something felt like it was clicking into place in this moment, like a promise fulfilled. Lily sat playing cards, revelling in her friendship and trying not to think about James Potter, but Sirius sat playing cards, promising himself he would never again hurt James or Lily. He would die before he let that happen.


	19. Flying

**Chapter 19**

**Flying**

"I suppose you're amazing at chess?" Lily asked Gertrude as the pair stood to leave their dinner table in the kitchens.

"I know how to play," Gertrude said, stepping away from her bench. "Why?"

"Well, my image of aristocracy always comes with a chess expertise, although I suppose that wouldn't work since my sister's amazing at chess, but I couldn't imagine you being bad at it," Lily explained, walking up to the main exit with Gertrude beside her.

"Sirius plays well," Gertrude noted.

"Sirius?" Lily repeated, shocked. Then she thought about it, nodded, and said, "Yep, he'd have to be good at it, and that's probably why he claims not to know how to play."

"He says he doesn't know how to play chess?" Gertrude asked, as confused as Lily had ever seen her.

"Well, I suppose he never says that, but he never plays it, giving way to assumptions from the general populace." Lily shrugged and pushing the portrait open. Lily began to turn right and Gertrude turned left, sharing a small smile of farewell.

"Good luck on the rest of your practice N.E.W.T.s, Gertrude," Lily said in parting.

"Thank you." Gertrude seemed to pause then, locking eyes with Lily and staring at her. She walked back and stood in front of Lily.

"Are we having a staring contest?" Lily asked, smiling uncertainly. Gertrude did not smile in return. Sometimes Lily wondered if she understood Lily's humour at all.

"Do you still like him?" Gertrude asked, ignoring Lily's joke. Lily's eyes widened.

"What? Who?" Oh, Lily knew who Gertrude was talking about all right. Yep. Always had. But that didn't mean she was about to admit that James was always at the top of her list of people she was thinking about.

"Do you still like James?" Gertrude clarified. Lily looked down at her shoes, then at the wall, and finally grudgingly at her friend.

"What happened to talking about chess?" Lily asked, trying to avoid this conversation.

"Why are you still ignoring him?"

"Because," Lily answered, "he has to know that what he did was not okay. That—that lying to me is not okay."

"It's been a month."

"I know," Lily mumbled. Oh how she knew. She knew about every moment that passed. She wanted so much to be able to forgive him each time she saw him in class and walking between class and eating and smiling and freaking breathing. How she wanted to be with him, but he still hadn't—hadn't given her a real reason to forgive him. Lily told Gertrude so.

"He won't cover the castle in flowers for you," Gertrude noted. Lily smiled.

"I really wouldn't want him to." Lily shook her head remembering Sirius's ridiculousness. "That was the corniest, dumbest thing I'd ever seen in my life."

"But it worked."

"It did, didn't it?" But somehow the corniness and extravagance of that entire affair had worked because it came from Sirius. From anyone else it would have been stupid. Actually, it was stupid when he did it too, but he refused to let that matter.

"Maybe James has already done something to make you forgive him," Gertrude said, giving an elegant shrug and turning to leave. "Good luck on your exams tomorrow."

What the hell had that meant?

Lily had the entire walk back to the common room to think about what Gertrude said. Was she talking about something James might have said on their patrols? Something he did after she found out about the potion?

But all that made Lily think of was the current state of her patrols. Originally they had been dull and boring. Then exciting and fun, and now they were back to awkward and uncomfortable. Remus spoke to her with the desperate intention of pulling her into a friendship she still couldn't stand because looking at Remus still hurt. But even that feeling was slowly ebbing and giving way to basic conversation about classes. It was hard fought, though.

Lily wished she could just patrol with Gertrude tonight instead of Remus.

"What were you doing with Gertrude Wrightman?" asked a voice behind Lily. The red head turned around and saw Tracy jogging to catch up with her, broom in hand.

"What?" Lily asked, trying to determine if this was the first conversation Tracy and she had partaken in since the Great Meltdown. Yes, Lily realized, it was. Good that her friend made it a hostile beginning.

"Sirius told me you were having dinner with Gertrude Wrightman in the kitchens. Since when have you been friends with Gertrude Wrightman?" Tracy asked. Lily mentally reminded herself to flick Sirius.

"I don't know that we're actually friends," Lily answered, disbelieving that Tracy thought she had the right to ask Lily anything about her life and her choice in friends.

"She's dangerous, Lily," Tracy cautioned.

"Neat," Lily replied. She turned and began to head up to the common room.

"Don't just brush me off, Lily," Tracy said, marching forward with that stupid broom still in hand. "You always do that. Stop. Listen. Gertrude's family is completely Slytherin—"

"And mine is Muggle. What of it?" Lily snapped, stopping at the top of a staircase to glare at Tracy.

"But you're not a Muggle. She's still a Slytherin," Tracy answered.

"And?" Lily asked. Tracy was standing in her ridiculous Quidditch practice outfit. The season had ended weeks ago, why was she still flying?

"Slytherins are evil," Tracy said.

"_Evil_?" Lily repeated, staring, opened mouthed at her ridiculously prejudice friend.

"They are," Tracy insisted.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Lily asked. "Because you've just asserted that all people in a house are _evil_, that everyone from the smallest eleven year olds to the eldest eighteen year old wearing a green and silver scarf is inherently intent to inflict pain in others."

"They are and just because you think you've found a good one doesn't mean anything. She'll turn her back on you the moment it's convenient—"

"Shut the hell up, Tracy!" Lily suddenly snapped. The brunette looked shocked. "Stop acting like you understand other people. You don't. You make shitty assumptions from your high horse and assume your word is divine. Stop it."

"If this is about James—"

"This is about you!" Lily cut her off. "This is about the way that you feel like you're good enough to dictate what other people ought to know about their own lives and the lives of the people around them. This is about you having absolutely no right to judge people you don't know."

Tracy said, "I don't want to fight with you."

"Oh. Good. Then we don't have to talk anymore about stupid stereotypes." Lily walked away, Tracy at her heels. They turned the corner.

"Lily, you need to be careful."

"And you need to butt out," Lily said. "Or at least stop talking to me as if you aren't just as angry as I am. I know you are. Why can't you just start yelling like a normal person?"

"Or blowing up walls?" Tracy asked, gesturing at the walls with her broom. "Yes, that's right: Will talks to me too. Glad to know you're not mad at me, though."

Lily heard the sarcasm in Tracy's voice and briefly remembered lying to Will and telling him that she wasn't mad at his sister.

Lily looked at Tracy and asked, "What do you want?"

"James lied to me too, Lily," Tracy said, shaking her head at her friend. "You _and _he lied to me. I thought we were friends and both of you kept so much from me—"

"Tracy—"

"I thought he was such a good guy, Lily," Tracy said. "He had me charmed too. I hate that I trusted him so much, but I can't take that back. I can't."

Lily wanted to argue this point with Tracy, wanted to defend James, and for that she felt like complete trash.

"James lied to me as well," Lily said, still angry.

"Yeah, well, I trusted you too," Tracy muttered, taking a folded, crinkled envelope out of her back pocket and handing it to Lily. "Here."

Then Tracy walked away without another word, obviously uncomfortable, that broom still clutched in her hand.

With a broken heart and an overwhelming amount of shame about the way that she handled her friendship with Tracy, Lily sat down on the step she was on and opened the envelope, knowing she still had a while before curfew started.

_Lily,_

I don't even know how to begin this letter, but it's been over a month and we're still not talking so I think I have to do something. Sam said I ought to just tell you everything from the beginning. Well, here: When we started having all of those Quidditch practices this summer, James and I started talking. And I jokingly mentioned that he was in love with you, and he corrected me by saying, "No, I'm just obsessed with her."

Oh, that made Lily feel fabulous. Tracy had known since this summer and James was a tool.

_And at the beginning, all he told me was, "She just needs to realize how great I am," and I thought he was ridiculous, but he was a nice friend to have, especially during all of these practices. And it was something we could both talk about easily._

Oh, Lily was feeling better with every word. She was used as the 'common topic' that had led to Tracy and James bonding. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

_It took a while, but I finally realized that he genuinely liked you, and I felt bad because I knew you'd never date him. He was going about it wrong. So I decided to help him out, thinking that if you got to know him, you'd grow to like him. (I feel like such an idiot, writing that now). And so I thought of a way to make you comfortable around him: those Wednesday study things of yours. I figured if he didn't speak unless spoken to he couldn't freak you out and you'd grow comfortable enough around him to start talking. I know how you hate silence._

And there was a sharp twist in Lily's heart. Oh frick. James hadn't even thought to do that on his own. She had been right all those months ago: James had been working under Tracy's orders. Tracy had taken it upon herself to guide Lily's life. Well, wasn't that just fantastic? This letter was just utterly beautiful.

_But then everything started spiralling out of control: you went to the Ball, we came back to school and you were missing, James and Sirius and Remus were missing, and then no one's talking to anyone. And then James tells me what he said to you at my party and I nearly killed him right there. And I asked him what the hell he was thinking and all he could tell me was that he made bad decisions around you. And that was always his excuse: he never knew what to say around you._

So he said everything he could to hurt Lily. Perfect. She really wanted to stop reading this stupid letter. How Tracy could think this letter would comfort Lily was beyond her. It wasn't even grammatically correct.

_And then James stopped going to those study things and told me that you knew about us working to get you two together. I tried apologizing for a week but you kept brushing me off. And then Sam came to me and told me that you thought James and I were dating and that you liked him all along. Why didn't you just tell me?_

Okay. Lily felt like a horrible friend now. Except—wait—Tracy had done the same freaking thing: Lied and kept secrets!

_And after all of this, he came up to me in the common room, saying nothing, just standing and watching you across the room. He told me, "I'm done. She's too good for me." And that was it. He walked away. He had watched you kiss your ex-boyfriend goodbye after you two were in your room for hours. He'd watched Sirius become good friends with you. And now I realize he lived with you opening up and falling in love with James as Remus even as you pretended to hate James as James. All of this he put up with and continued to pursue you, but one night he came back ready to give up. Heartbroken._

He lied to me, Lily reminded herself. He lied and that ought to have kept her from caring that he was hurt. Right? Then why did she feel like such a wretched person?

_But still, when I realized he was using Polyjuice, I was furious with him. I still am. I haven't spoken to him since then. I know you're mad at me and you're mad at him, but he lied to me too. He lied so badly. I couldn't believe he would stoop to this low. I thought he was a decent bloke. And he's mad at me for not telling him how you felt, but… well… this whole thing is falling apart. We were supposed to win the Quidditch Cup this year, too, and we didn't._

_Tracy_

**-----**

Patrol began in the Entrance Hall with the unusual presence of two people Lily had not expected to see. The first was Matt McGrath, though that was no big surprise. Although it wasn't a full moon, Matt was the one who normally covered Remus's shifts. Clever boy, that Remus. Couldn't just miss the full moon days now that Matt was on to him. The second person, Christine, was a bit more of a shock.

Both were very welcome sights. They were good friends, maybe her best friends at Hogwarts now, and both very comfortingly straightforward and honest. Tracy's letter had made her so angry that it was nice to see two people who never made her angry.

"Hey Matt," Lily greeted, waving. "What's up?"

"Remus's aunt had a set back." Lily briefly wondered if that was sarcasm in his voice as he glanced at the high window with the perfect view of the half moon.

"And what's up with her?" Lily asked, pointing a finger at Christine who was leaning against the wall a few feet away from the pair of them, poking a suit of armour.

"Oh, Stumpy has a plan," Matt explained, turning to look at his girlfriend, who looked over at them when she heard her nickname.

"Find me!" Christine said, jumping up and down. "Find me."

Matt winked at Lily, looked at Christine and said, "That'll cost you—"

"Nothing," Lily cut Matt off as she turned to address him. "She is out here to be with you, so I blame you for this. If she loses points, Ravenclaw loses points."

"I'm not illegally out of bounds," Matt replied, but he was smiling and his eyes were twinkling and Lily just knew he thought this was hilarious. Lily thought this was adorable, which greatly helped ease her annoyance with Tracy's stupid correspondence.

"But she's illegally out of bound because of you," Lily replied. "That's aiding and abetting, I believe. I could ask Diana, if you wanted."

"Find me!" Christine chanted.

"We found you already," Lily answered. Christine smiled brightly, walked over and took Matt's hand and swung their arms together, looking content.

"Ew," Lily muttered, jealousy creeping up.

"Don't be mad just because James is stupid," Christine said, beginning to walk down the corridor and pulling Matt beside her. His badge let up the paintings.

"What?" Lily exclaimed, definitely not using her library tone.

"Tracy said you found out it was James on patrol," Christine answered as she stopped walking and turned to face Lily.

"What?" This came from both Matt and Lily, staring at the tall blonde girl. The scant light in the corridor came from just the Head Boy badge.

"What do you mean James was on patrol?" Matt asked, staring at Christine.

"You knew about the plan? Who told you?" Lily asked, shock giving way to sadness. Christine was her last solid friend. If she had been lying to Lily too…

"No one," Christine said, answering Lily's question. "Remus is a werewolf so he _couldn't_ patrol those days. And I heard that Peter stole the Polyjuice Potion. I thought everyone knew."

"What?" Both again. This was like an evil joke that the world decided to play on Lily. She sure hoped _someone _found this amusing.

"I told you I liked Remus!" Lily exclaimed, disbelieving that her friend could have thought Lily knew about the switch.

"I thought it was a joke, like with codenames. I knew. I thought you knew. I thought we were being clever," Christine said. "We weren't."

"No, we weren't!" Lily snapped, turning around to gather her thoughts. She paced down the corridor a bit, staring at the darkness and barely registering that she ought to have worn her badge. What had Christine been thinking?

"He's a werewolf?" Matt asked. Lily turned around and saw that he was asking Christine. Bloody hell this was confusing.

"Yes," Christine replied, nodding. She didn't look guilty or ashamed. She just looked… confused, like she didn't know why Matt would ask her that, like she didn't understand how someone didn't know that. Lily some comfort in the fact that Christine was acting normally (for her).

"Why didn't you tell me?" Matt asked, dropping her hand.

"You didn't ask." Christine shrugged.

"You didn't tell me because I didn't ask?" Matt repeated. "Don't you think that's something you ought to tell people just in case they missed that information? He's a werewolf."

"He's Remus." Christine started walking again, down the dark corridor, but Matt just stared after her.

Lily looked carefully at Matt and then at Christine. How had Christine thought—but, actually, Lily had absolutely no problem believing the fact that Christine would assume everyone knew Remus was a werewolf and simply didn't case. She certainly didn't seem to care. Out of everyone in the entire world, Christine would be the most likely to not mention something because she thought everyone knew. It just seemed like such a waste.

"Did you know he was a werewolf?" Matt turned and asked Lily, who was still standing apart from him.

"I only just found out," Lily said.

Matt took a deep breath, looked past Lily, and then went back to meeting her eyes. "Do you care?"

"No," Lily answered. "I don't. And neither, apparently, does Christine."

Matt stared at Lily, then turned to see Christine still walking away. He smiled. "Of course Stumpy doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything."

"Do you?" Lily asked, cautious, protective of Remus even if he wasn't really her friend.

"I don't know yet." His eyes focused on Lily. "He hasn't hurt anyone? Doesn't do anything dangerous? Leaves during the full moons?"

"As far as I can tell, yes," Lily answered, seeing Christine turn around and wave impatiently at them to follow. "And Pomfrey takes care of him, so the professors must know."

"So he's just still Little Red Riding Hood? A fairytale?" Matt asked. Christine began walking back toward them and Lily was surprised that Matt had remembered such an old conversation they had shared, the one when Lily told him being a Muggle had the advantage of keeping her from truly fearing something she could not believe existed.

"Still a fairytale," Lily agreed, nodding. Still a fairytale, though this one had a case of mistake identity thrown in. Lily didn't mention that. She would tell Matt about her shame later, when it wasn't still so close to her heart.

"Do you care?" Lily asked again.

Matt looked at her and then Christine, who was close enough to talk to now. "Stumpy, should I care that Remus is a werewolf?"

"No," Christine answered dismissively, as if that weren't really important. "Why aren't we walking? Aren't we supposed to be patrolling?"

"We—Matt and I—are supposed to be taking you back to the common room," Lily said, but Matt and she began walking with Christine in a direction that was definitely not toward the Gryffindor common room.

"Why?" Christine asked, walking with them and ending up on Lily's left.

"Because you're breaking school rules," Matt said, smiling on Lily's right.

"And that's what prefects do," Lily said. But that hardly mattered and they all knew it. A few more corridors, a few more comfortable conversations, and Christine suddenly asked Lily:

"Why aren't you talking to James?"

Lily looked to her left at her tall blonde friend and then thought about Tracy's letter and the fight she had with Sam. She thought about Gertrude saying that James had done something to warrant her forgiveness already. "I don't even know James, Christine."

"He's still Remus," Christine pointed out, crossing behind Matt and Lily to end up next to Matt.

"Do you know how weird that is to hear?" Lily asked.

"I think it's very weird, but I'm still confused about everything so maybe my opinion doesn't count," Matt said. Lily looked at him and nodded.

"He tried to punch Matt," Christine said, twining her arm with Matt's and leaning against him.

"James did try to punch me," Matt conceded, "because he thought you liked me. But, honestly, I'm lost. Who was who? Is James Remus?"

"Shhhh," Christine said, shaking her head at her Matt, who smiled and kissed her on the temple once. Lily was struck, more than ever, by the fact that Matt was Tracy's brother. As unforgiving as his sister was about Slytherins and evil and stereotypes, Matt was actually thinking this through.

"He used that bloody potion," Lily said.

"To seduce you," Christine said. And that was certainly an awkward response. What was Lily supposed to say to that? "You should talk to him."

Lily thought about the millions of reasons why that wasn't true, the millions of reasons why she ought to just avoid James for two more days, until they were on the train ride home and she could avoid this whole mess. And then she thought of the one really good reason why she couldn't.

"I'm falling for him," Lily murmured.

"True," Christine agreed, "and he's already fallen for you."

"He became infatuated with Lily last year when she called him a bullying toerag," Matt said. Lilly looked at him in shock. What? "But the way he looks at you now, Lily, I'd say he's fallen pretty hard. He almost hit me just because he thought I hurt your feelings by dating Christine."

Lily had nothing to say to that. Nothing to deny.

Looking at Matt and Christine, who so effortlessly exuded their confidence, who both believed that James really did like her, it was hard to deny that she desperately wanted to talk to him, forgive him, be with him.

And Lily realized that as crazy as it sounded, James really was still Remus. She didn't know if she could believe it completely just yet, but hadn't he been there for her five patrols a month for three months? Didn't he deserve something in return for that loyalty? Didn't he at least deserve to talk to her?

"I have to go," Lily said.

"True," Christine said, wrapping an arm around Matt's waist and pulling herself against him.

"You don't have to go for us," Matt said, untangling himself and giving Christine an incredulous look.

"No," Christine answered, "for James."

Lily looked at her friend, gratitude in her eyes, and nodded.

**-----**

Lily threw open the door to the boy's room in time to find Remus and Peter sitting on a shared bed quizzing each other on Care of Magical Creatures questions, and Sirius, across from them, was reading and questioning them about Muggle Studies. All three turned to face the door when it opened, looking bewildered. Lily supposed they weren't used to anyone ever coming into their room unless it was one of the four of them.

"Where's James?" she asked the room in general, though she was looking at Sirius.

"James?" Sirius asked, book still open on his lap.

"Yes," Lily replied, barely registering the fact that this room was configureddifferently than the girl's. "Where is he?"

"Quidditch practice?" Remus guessed.

"No, no, the last match was two weeks ago," Peter replied. "The library?"

"No, he'd be in here studying with us," Sirius said. "The common room?"

"No, none of us is there," Remus said.

"And neither is Lily," Peter continued, "so there'd be no reason for him to be there."

Awkward response again.

"You people are perfectly useless," Lily announced, turning to leave.

"Wait a second," Sirius called out, rolling off his bed and hitting the floor with a thud. There was a lot of shuffling, something that sounded like a board breaking, and then a lot of muttering. Lily looked questioningly at Remus and Peter.

"Yes?" Peter asked, as if this was all perfectly normal and Lily had absolutely no right to look at him like something was effing wrong.

"Is Sirius all right?" Lily asked.

"He's at the Quidditch pitch, probably flying in circles," Sirius called from the other side of the bed. Lily walked forward and peaked over the edge.

"Hey!" Peter called out, just in time for Sirius to shove a piece of parchment under his bed. Did Peter think Lily didn't know about the Instant Message Parchment? That would be really sad for her.

"Why did you need to know?" Sirius asked standing up.

"Oh, you know," Lily replied vaguely, getting ready to leave.

"Yes, I _do _know," Sirius said suggestively. Lily leaned across the bed and flicked him.

"You're a really frustrating person to talk to," Lily said, turning.

"My mother always used to say that to me."

"But I love talking to you, Sirius," Lily added. "Yes, you're frustrating, but also fabulous. Utterly fabulous."

"Oh. Thanks?" Sirius replied and it occurred to Lily that this might have been the first time she'd ever actually complimented him to his face.

"I mean it, Sirius," Lily said, opening the door and stepping out. "Talking to you makes my day better."

"Yes, well, I _am_ fabulous."

"Never forget it," Lily agreed, turning to leave.

"You better not steal Prongs's girl, mate," Peter said as she began to shut the door.

"Nah, she's his," Sirius replied, "and I'm insanely glad for it."

**-----**

Lily Evans found James Potter flying circles around the Quidditch pitch, alone in the sky as all of her Muggle sensibilities told her he should not be able to be. A stupid little piece of wood should not have been able to keep him hundreds of feet up in the air. But it did. It always did.

Lily considered all the ways she could call him down—the romantic option of grabbing a broom, proving she was an excellent flier as she stole the Quaffle from him, and then talking in the sky—but quickly decided to send red and gold sparks shooting from the end of her wand and signal him to come down. It worked like a charm-- an easy, first year charm.

"Lily?" he asked as he neared, the sun had long-since set and the only light came from the stars above them.

"Hi," Lily said, feeling awkward now that she was actually in front of him, desperate to tell him—something.

"Why are you here?" he asked, running a hand through his hair. Yep, she definitely still found that attractive.

"I'm here to talk," Lily said, sitting down on the grass. He looked confused but then joined her.

"Talk about what?" he asked. Lily blinked. It was nearly midnight and they were sitting on the Quidditch field, staring up at the stars.

"Us, sort of," Lily replied, picking up her wand and lighting it and putting it out again and again. Flashes of white briefly lit the area.

"All right."

"I don't know how to make this work," Lily confessed, staring up at the stars instead of looking at him. He leaned his head back and gazed up at those same stars, glad for and dumbfounded by the fact that there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

"Do you remember that patrol when we sat on the stairs and you showed me the constellations?" James asked, completely changing the subject.

"Yes," Lily replied. That was been a great night. They—Lily and James as Remus—had stayed out past the patrol time, talking about the stars.

"Do you still try to find Orion every night before you go to bed?" James asked.

"Yes," Lily whispered.

"Good." And Lily understood how Tracy could feel like such an idiot for trusting him so completely. James inspired trust in people, inspired them to open up, inspired them to tell him what they loved and hated most about life. If Tracy no longer thought he deserved that information, then James made her feel vulnerable and weak. Lily, despite everything that told her it was wrong, still thought he deserved that amount of confidence.

In silence, they both leaned back on their hands and extended their legs in front of them. They lay there, two students who had to take an exam in less than seven hours, staring at a blinking, star-filled sky. This is what Lily wanted, more than anything else.

"Sirius told you where I was?" James asked.

"Yes, he's a great help to a girl trying to stalk you. Does he have a tracking spell on you?" Lily asked with a smile, glad that he wasn't pressing her to tell him why she was there, why she wouldn't leave.

"Sort of." His voice was soft and resigned. A moment passed with the two of them trying not to think about the proximity of the other, the fact that rolling over just so much would--

"You still stubborn?" Lily asked in a light tone, unable to ask him straight out if he was still interested in her.

"I don't know anymore," he said. "You still angry?"

She looked up and traced Orion's Belt with her eyes. "No, not anymore."

"Really?" he asked. She didn't look at him

"I remember—I'd been trying to forget—but I remember you telling me about a girl you liked," Lily said.

"Oh, yes," James said, lying still beside her. "She was amazing."

"Was she? Are you sure?" Lily kept her eyes locked on the sky. "I'm pretty sure she was conceited, mean, and prejudice against you. I remember you telling me that she thought she was better than you and when she found out you liked her, she ran off, told you to forget it."

"There was a bit of a miscommunication." Was his tone joking?

"Really? That must have been frustrating." She could match that tone.

"Not that bad. I got to know her," James replied. "That's what I really wanted to happen, but then I did something very stupid and she stopped talking to me."

"Do you miss her, the girl I called a bitch?"

"I really do," he answered. Lily chest seemed to contract with his words. Why did she believe him? He'd done everything possible to destroy her trust, why wasn't it broken?

"You know my guy?" Lily asked, ripping grass out of the ground and throwing it onto her legs.

"The idiot that didn't notice you?" James remembered, moving a hand up to pillow under his head.

"Yeah, see, turns out he did." She brushed the grass off. "I was the idiot not noticing him."

"Another miscommunication?" James suggested.

"They seem to be running wild these days, ruining the days of perfectly happy people."

"Us? Perfectly happy?" James asked like he didn't believe it.

"I was trying to be poetic," Lily replied, smirking. She ripped more grass out of the ground beside her and layered it on her stomach. She couldn't think. Didn't want to think.

"You hurt me so much this year, Lily," James muttered. And Lily's shock, to say the least, was a little overwhelming. What?

"What?" she asked, twisting her head to look at him.

"After you yelled at me at the end of last year, I decided that I needed to change tactics. Tracy helped me with that, but then you got angry with me anyway. I thought you knew I liked you and you just stormed out of that library like you thought I was the worst person in the world."

"I thought you knew _I _liked _you_ and that you were humouring me because you were dating Tracy," Lily cut him off. He shook his head and kept looking at the sky. Okay. Saying that aloud was embarrassing. How had she been so blind?

"And you went out with that tool of a guy, Christian, who was everything I never could be, and while I knew you didn't like me, I hadn't realized you wanted my polar opposite."

"I didn't," Lily said, blinking bat tears. Goodness, she felt like such a bitch. "I wanted to forget you."

"Oh, that's better," James muttered.

"I liked you for a year and I just—I needed to stop. You weren't right for me."

"You are amazing for my ego."

"But you _were_ right for me. That was the problem. You were everything that I wanted. The entire time I was with Christian I felt horrible because I couldn't help but compare him to you. You were everything I could ever want, and still you said the meanest, dumbest things around me."

"Yeah, I'm still embarrassed about Christmas." Lily laughed a little at his words. "I went into that train compartment just wanting to talk to you. I made up some excuse about the Floo Network and then I said the stupidest things to you. I was just so mad that you were going on a date with that guy. I thought you'd be at that party. Why weren't you going out with me?"

"Why didn't you ask me?" Lily asked. James snorted. "Okay, I get that, but why were you so upset?"

"I told my parents I wasn't going to the Ball because I had a better invitation."

"You were invited to the Ball?"

"But I thought you'd be at Tracy's. If I'd known you were going to the Ball I might have changed my mind."

"Because I looked good enough to be on your arm?" Lily asked, more than a little bitterness creeping into her tone.

"You did," James muttered, closing his eyes. "You looked incredible that night. That dress—yeah. Incredible."

Lily blushed. "I don't know about that. Tracy's mom did everything."

"She did a great job."

"If you promise not to let this get to your head too much," Lily replied, taking a deep breath and deciding to just say it, "I almost went weak at the knees that night, you looked so good."

There was a pause.

"Thanks," he said, still with closed eyes. "But New Year's was so hard. I was trying to get as drunk as possible to avoid thinking about you and the French guy, and then I get this owl from Sirius saying he's running away from home and I get to him just in time to see him dragging his trunk down the street with his right hand and a picture of himself he ripped off the wall in his left. He moved in with me and in all of the hectic-ness of the legal stuff and coming back to school late, I didn't even notice that you were gone. Or that you were hurt. I'm sorry about that."

If Lily hadn't been lying down, she would have shrugged awkwardly. As it was, she just stared at her toes and tried not to cry.

"Oh, and hearing you tell Remus that you two ought to just snog?" he quipped. "Yeah, that hurt too."

"Gha," was the incoherent sound Lily made as a tear escaped her treacherous eye. "Did you hate me?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head beside her. "It all just made me try harder, and when I overheard Matt telling you he thought Remus was a werewolf—"

"You overheard that?"

"Yeah, I'm sneaky," was all James would say on that matter. "I couldn't just let my friend rot, you know? And I knew a seventh year had made Polyjuice Potion, too much of it too, so we arranged to steal some and then—then I did the stupidest thing: I went on patrol with you, and I never wanted to stop."

He sat up and turned to look at Lily, his eyes wide and sincere. Lily sat up too, wrapping her arms around her knees and looking away from his gaze.

"I told jokes and you laughed. You made me laugh. You told Will McGrath about my prank on Sirius like you thought it was brilliant. Like you thought I was brilliant. And I just couldn't stop. I needed to see you," he said.

"You could have stopped," Lily disagreed. "You could have told me what you were doing and why. You could have done a hundred thousand things differently."

"It wasn't my secret to tell, and I didn't know you then. What if you'd told someone? What if, worse still, you'd confronted and taken it out on Remus?" James asked. "I couldn't risk that. I didn't want to."

"Then it was a choice."

"No, it was—" He stopped himself and stared at Lily until she turned and met his gaze, blushing at the intensity. "You wouldn't talk to me in the library on Wednesdays. You yelled at me outside. You were abrasive in class. And then on patrol, it was like you were someone else. But it was all just because I was someone else. And that sucked, but it was how it was, and I just needed to know you and be able to joke with you."

"It hurt so much when I found out," Lily muttered.

"It hurt every moment I was on that patrol. Every moment." He blinked and looked up at the stars. "You remember talking about loving something and being frustrated by it? That was me each and every patrol, when you were so comfortable around me that you hugged me and wrapped your arm around my waist. I loved talking to you, laughing with you, being with you, but it drove me mad that I couldn't do it as me, that for some unknown reason you hated me as me."

"I didn't hate you."

"Yeah, well, I found that out a bit too late."

And how Lily wished she would have just told him at the beginning of the year. But then again she was glad she hadn't told him: he hadn't been the type of person she wanted to like or date at the beginning of the year. He hadn't been like this.

"Are you mad at Sirius for not telling you?" Lily asked.

"You know," he said, "I'm not. Were you?"

"No, not really," Lily said. "I don't know why, though."

"It's because you know he'd never intentionally do something cruel to a friend. He'd kill an enemy. But for a friend--"

"For a friend he'd cover the entire castle in lilies," Lily finished, nodding, and wondering if it was odd that she was still so frustrated by Tracy and Sam when Sirius had been the real puppet master of the whole thing and she'd forgiven him.

"I've never seen you more beautiful than that night," James randomly noted, breaking the silence.

"Which night?" Lily asked.

"Fifth year. That night a month before exams when you came bursting in on the four of us. I guess you were playing that game, but all I knew then was that you looked like you were holding back a laugh as you looked at me. You never looked at me like that."

"You never gave me the opportunity."

"See? That's where I disagree," he countered. "I think I was perfectly hilarious around you and you just refused to acknowledge it."

Lily chuckled a bit and shook her head. "Nope, I'm pretty sure you were just being ridiculous most of the time."

"But it turns out you'd get a seventy-five percent on liking the male half of the Gryffindor sixth years," James noted.

"Peter _has _grown on me," Lily quipped. And James smiled. "Can we still use our codenames, poppet?"

James laughed. Actually laughed. It simultaneously made Lily glow and broke her heart. She'd been waiting years to make him laugh, but now that she heard his laughter, she realized it was the laugh she should have recognized on her patrols. How stupid had she been? The pair looked at each other for a long time as Lily realized that he could be the Remus from the patrols, that he was, that the same things made him laugh and made him thoughtful and made him wonderful.

"You still saunter," Lily said.

"And you've perfected the art of meandering," James replied.

They both smiled, but it was a half smile, tinged by layers of frustration.

"You know, there were a lot of clues I feel idiotic about missing," Lily said.

"Yep," James agreed. "Thinking about it all makes me feel stupid."

"I am interested to know what you thought Sirius was talking about with all those Sputnik references and making me sit by you all the bloody time."

"The sitting by me thing?" James smiled and shook his head. "I thought he was doing it to harass me."

"I suppose there was that benefit too. He is a mean bugger."

"And I thought Sputnik was Matt."

"Matt?"

"You told me you liked a guy that was dating your best friend and the only one of your friends dating anyone was Christine."

"Oh, right."

"I wanted so badly to punch him when I saw you kiss him."

"It was a sickle bet." Lily felt she needed to explain.

"I know. I knew it then. I still wanted to punch him." Was it odd that his simple statement made Lily's heart flutter? "And every time I saw him after I had 'put it together' that you liked him, I wanted to curse him," James continued. "I just kept hearing you telling me that he broke your heart and it made me want to beat him up so badly."

"Good thing you didn't."

"I yelled at him, as me and then as Remus," James said. "I hope he doesn't hate Remus for that."

"He told me to tell Remus that he understood," Lily informed him, remembering the words she had not conveyed from the Great Meltdown patrol, but not daring to mention that Matt now knew about the patrolling business.

"Oh. Good."

"Yeah, good," Lily repeated as silence overcame the two of them again. Silence when they sat side by side in the middle of the Quidditch pitch and wanted to be nowhere else, with no one else.

"I never meant to break your heart," James finally said.

"I never meant to break yours," Lily said, embarrassed by how vulnerable she felt at the moment, "but it happened."

"It shouldn't have," James replied, and her embarrassment ebbed a bit.

"I hurt you just as much as you hurt me," Lily admitted. "You thought I was a snobby know-it-all who thought you weren't good enough for me. You thought I hated you and I only reinforced that idea. I was pretty wretched in this whole thing. Oh! And last year, after the O.W.L. when I just started yelling at you. I'm still so embarrassed about that."

"Why?"

"Because I just started yelling."

"It wasn't the first time."

"I'm embarrassed about all the times, but you have to know that it wasn't about me choosing Snape over you or anything. It would have been the same with anyone. You can't just pick on people, humiliating them for no good—"

"I know," James said, looking at her with such sincerity and pleasure that Lily wanted to melt into that look. "I went on patrol with you and I learned a lot about you."

"I don't mean to be snooty," Lily said.

"You're not. You're amazing."

"Ha! I don't know about that."

"You don't even understand how happy it makes me that I knew you were going to say that. Yes, I really messed up with this plan, but I don't regret it that much. I got to know you. For instance, I know that you probably read the secret admirer note I wrote you for F.A.D. and brushed it off as a prank."

Lily stared at him. "You wrote that? I thought it was a prefect that had to."

"See?" James asked, smiling.

Lily looked at her hands. It was uncomfortable, James knowing her so intimately when she'd believed him a stranger for years.

"I know you miss the Muggle world," James announced, forcing an awkward turn in the conversation.

"Yes," Lily said, taking a deep breath and casting her eyes in the direction of the Forbidden Forest. "I do."

"But I know something else," James said, reaching out and turning Lily's head gently toward him. She backed away from his hand but didn't turn away. "I know that you don't belong there anymore. When you're at your Muggle house, every night before you go to bed, you look up and find Orion because it reminds you of Astronomy and brings you close to Hogwarts and magic."

Lily looked over, ready to remind him that he was the one to tell her she didn't belong in this world, but when she looked into those amber eyes, she saw what she had been trying to forget: Truth or Dare and sickle bets through corridors; rock skipping in the middle of the night; being dragged behind a suit of armour and tackling Filch; teaching him how to walk like the characters in the Wizard of Oz; and laughing, laughing like there was no Voldemort, laughing as she had not done since she was a little girl when her father used to pick her up and twirl her around and she felt so safe, laughing and letting it echo through the hallways and stick to the walls. In those amber eyes Lily had found her place in the wizarding world and reconciled the change in her life.

"I know you don't want to believe this, Lily," James began, taking both her hands in his. She didn't pull them away, but she did look out at the horizon, "because you just don't think much of yourself, but I think you're—you're fabtabulous. Always."

Lily laughed a little, averting her eyes and pulling her hands out of his. "You made that word up."

"Yes." Lily felt him shrug beside her and she glanced at him, only to see his gaze directed at the sky.

"I wanted so much for that Remus to like me," Lily said, "that Remus who skived off duty and made sickle bets. I thought that after two years, I might finally be able to forget about you and move on with him. And to find out that you and he are one in the same, to find that I have liked you again, that you really are as wonderful as I never dared to believe you actually were—it's hard."

"It was still me," James answered.

"I know," Lily said. "I've been trying to pretend like maybe it wasn't, but Christine—well, she just reminded me that you're still the one I fell for, still the one I want to date. And she just can't understand why I wouldn't let it be okay."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I like you," Lily replied, "but that it's going to take time for me to become okay with this situation. With us."

"Time?" James asked, suspicious. "What does time entail?"

And Lily, kind of hating herself for having to say it, looked at him and said, "The summer holidays."

"The summer holidays?" James repeated. "All of it?"

"Yes," Lily replied, standing and wiping off her robe. "That'll give us both some time. And if you come back and you realize that this isn't what you wanted, I'll accept that."

"This is what I want," James said, using his broom to help him leap to his feet.

"But if it's not after a little break—"

James reached out with his right arm, the arm holding his broom, and wrapped his arm around Lily, pulling her as close to him as he decently could and crushing her lips with his. Her arms, stuck between them, clutched at the front of his shirt and pulled them even closer as their lips kept moving against one another.

It was a messy kiss, brought about by emotions that neither really could control, and when they pulled apart and found Lily's tears on both of their cheeks, neither cared. Lily laid her forehead on his shoulder to catch her breath and James kissed his way gently down her neck, sending shivers of pleasure through her before he pulled away and they stood staring at one another.

"If you don't want this in September—" Lily began, but James's laughter made her stop. She looked down at his chest to avoid staring at his lips.

"I'll want this," he announced.

"If you don't, though, in September, it'll be okay."

"Yeah, okay," James mumbled, reaching out and having his left hand trail up and down her side. And frick how she loved that feeling.

"I just need to believe that you're the bloke I patrolled with. I need to know that you aren't just attracting to the chase and a short stint of dating. I just need some time," Lily explained, trying to convince her body not to launch itself at James and snog him senseless. That hand was doing amazing things to her senses. And when he pulled it away she wanted nothing more than to grab his hand and drag it back toward her.

"I'll convince you," James whispered.

"Well, you are a pretty stubborn bugger," Lily quipped, smiling. He laughed and nodded.

"And a snivelling toerag," James added. Lily laughed a little.

"It's okay, I think I'm too good for you," Lily returned, trying to joke though there was still a dull ache when she thought about his words. She wondered if he felt the same, so she said, "I never thought you were a snivelling toerag. I just liked you so much and I didn't know how to handle that."

"Insulting me was a good plan," James joked and Lily smiled, "but my method's a bit more complex. I insult and shame a girl in public if I like her."

"So you're pretty much in love with Snape?"

"Ew. Ewwwww." James pulled a face. "Girl. When I like a _girl_."

"Good to know," Lily said. She looked at him, this man of sixteen whom she had just fallen so quickly for, and shook her head. "I better get back to bed. Arithmancy exam tomorrow and all. You coming?"

"To your bed?" he asked. Lily smiled a half smile, and he smiled back at her, so open and sincere. He shook his head. "No, I want to fly some more."

"You sure? It's pretty late."

"I wish I could fly forever," James answered, smiling. "I love it."

"As much as Transfiguration?"

"More." And with that he kicked off the ground and rose and rose until he was nearly a dot in sky, where he belonged, flying off to join the stars that waited above.

**-----**

Lily's final practice N.E.W.T. finished at three in the afternoon. Three in the freaking afternoon. And it felt amazing. Sure, Lily was confident that she had failed all of her exams, but come on! Who didn't fail these practices that they took a year too soon? They had little actual purpose except to convince students that they were complete idiots and needed to study a lot more. Well, that was fine, but this was a beautiful June day and she planned to spend it—

"Miss Evans?"

Lily turned at the voice, trying to keep her face from cringing. She had _not _been planning to spend this day with Professor Dumbledore.

"Yes?" Lily asked, walking toward him as the students began to leave the classroom.

"Please come with me," the headmaster said, beginning to walk, but Lily called out to him in a voice loud enough for the surrounding students to hear.

"If this is about the Muggle Studies project, James hasn't asked me about that yet," Lily said, hoping this was about nothing more than Professor Carpenter really wanting her students to care about assignments.

"This is not about Muggle Studies," Professor Dumbledore said as she drew parallel to him and the pair began talking more quietly.

"Then— What?"

"Madam Pomfrey wanted one final check up before you left for the holidays," Professor Dumbledore explained, only that confused Lily too. Why would the headmaster escort her to the infirmary? Why wouldn't Pomfrey have just—just—just done anything rather than bother the headmaster with this menial task?

"And you had to escort me?" Lily asked, then realized how blatantly rude that must have sounded. Well, frick, she'd always been horribly disrespectful to Dumbledore this year, why not at least remain consistent?

"I also wanted to ask you how your year went," Dumbledore said. Oh, he was a clever one, not mentioning anything specific. If he'd asked about class, Lily would have known how to answer, but with such an open-ended question she felt lost.

She certainly knew that she could talk about a multitude of things – James and the Polyjuice, Remus as a werewolf, basically not studying at all for these pointless exams that did not effect her marks, playing the Game, or even her prefect duties and Friendship Appreciation Day – but what did she really want to discuss with this man? Nothing. Not really.

"Do you have any chocolate?" Lily asked, definitely changing the subject and not caring. She thought he would shake his head, no. Or she thought he might even smile. She had not expected him to reach into his robe pocket and pull out a bar of Huneyduke's finest.

"I always have chocolate," the headmaster replied, handing her the bar. Was he joking?

"Are you joking?" Lily asked, staring at the chocolate. "This is amazing. I'm going to write the chocolate frog people and insist they add, 'Could be mistaken for a candy store,' onto your card!"

"You wouldn't be the first," he replied, pushing open the door to the Hospital Wing and holding it open for Lily to pass through.

"Students have written in before?" Lily asked, smiling as she began opening her chocolate.

"Sirius Black is very insistent that it be known that I have an extensive, exclusive relationship with Professor McGonagall."

Lily choked on her bite of chocolate. Coughing, she couldn't breathe until she spit the piece out into her hand and looked down at the disgusting glob.

"_Scourgify_," Professor Dumbledore said, helpfully vanishing the mess.

"Sorry about that," Lily said, still coughing. "So, you and Professor McGonagall are dating?"

"No," Dumbledore replied, smiling at the approaching nurse.

"No? Then—" Lily cut herself off. "Why did I believe anything Sirius would say?"

"Miss Evans, how are you feeling?" Madam Pomfrey began. Lily, used to this painfully boring process, answered her questions mechanically, knowing that her chest pain would take a bit longer to heal.

"Headmaster, there is a woman here to see you," Professor McGonagall announced, entering the room at Pomfrey poked Lily's lower ribs with her wand.

"Ow!" Lily yelled, slapping the wand away.

"Miss Evans, I cannot properly help you if you don't let me examine you."

"Fine, exam me. Don't poke me." Lily crossed her arms around her middle protectively. Who did this woman think she was? To distract herself as the woman pulled her arms apart and began 'examining' Lily again, Lily watched Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore talk. Lily started laughing, watching them, thinking of Sirius.

She stopped laughing when a woman with five freaking moles on one eyelid entered the Infirmary and curtsied at Professor Dumbledore.

"You!" Lily called out, twisting away from Madam Pomfrey and running toward the door, where Professor Dumbledore and the woman had stopped to watch her. "Who are you?"

"Miss Evans, I would like to introduce you to—" the headmaster began.

"We've met," interrupted moley woman.

"Ah, I rather thought you might have," Dumbledore replied.

"But you disappeared—you just—like fruit!" Lily stuttered, unheeding the other people in the room and their reactions. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting Albus." Her accent was still thick. And those disgusting moles were still sitting there.

"You grabbed my arm in the Leaky Cauldron and accosted me at the Ministry, and I think you talked to Gertrude Wrightman about me too. Who are you? What do you want with me?" Lily asked.

"I'm not here for you."

"Well, that's too bad because I'm here to talk to you," Lily said.

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall reprimanded her. "This woman deserves your respect. You will address with politely and by her title—"

"I'm sorry, professor," Lily said, talking to Professor McGonagall though she did not take her eyes from the mole woman; she couldn't risk her disappearing again, not when Lily was so close to her answers.

"Perhaps you two would like to speak in private?" Professor Dumbledore suggested. Lily didn't care, but the woman nodded.

"For a moment," she agreed, and before Lily knew it the Infirmary was cleared of other people. It was just Lily and the orange-eyed woman, but Lily could distantly hear Pomfrey complaining.

And soon they were gone, Lily stood staring at this woman: the disappearing, heir-speaking woman.

"What do you want?"

"I'm here to give you choice."

"What sort of choice?" Lily asked, cautious. The woman had just told her she wasn't here for her.

"A choice I only offered one other person."

"Oh, good to know I'm not unique," snapped Lily. She felt irrationally terrified of this woman and that put Lily on edge.

"You must choose now," Mole Woman said.

"Choose what?" Lily asked.

"Your path."

"Okay, the cryptic message doesn't work for me. I've heard others talking like that. Is it a Pure-blood thing?" Lily asked, thinking of Sirius and Gertrude and the way they always spoke to one another like they assumed the other person knew background information without introduction.

"You must choose now between danger and safety."

"Danger and safety?" Lily scoffed. Bit melodramatic, wasn't she?

"I'm here to offer you a chance for long life with family. Safety."

"At what price?" Lily asked, remembering her father's favourite saying: there's no such thing as a free lunch.

"Price?" repeated the woman.

"What would it cost?"

"Cost of travel. You leave, you will be safe."

"Leave what? Leave Hogwarts?"

"Leave England, leave magic, leave with family," the woman clarified.

"Why?" Lily asked. "Why do you want me to run from you?"

"Not me. Voldemort. He kills Mudbloods. Kills you."

"Why do you care if I live or die? Who am I to you?" Lily asked, scared despite herself as she remembered those hooded figures.

"You are first of two. Protection. Tied to everyone." Seriously, this cryptic business was annoying Lily to no end. What sort of person spoke like this? "If you run, Sirius will be free."

"What do you mean, free?" Lily asked, unnerved.

"I do not know future. I know ties. He is strongly tied to you. Tied to your future. Leave and he will be free from you," the woman expanded.

"And Gertrude?"

"Be free too, if you leave."

"If you don't think you know the future, why do you know that them being 'free' will be better?" Lily asked, thinking of Gertrude and the deal they had made, thinking of the fact that Gertrude had challenged her to stay and convince her that being right didn't necessitate being suicidal or stupid.

"You will not leave," the woman said as if it were a certain truth she had just realized. "Gertrude pulls you."

"Everyone's connected to everyone," Lily replied.

"No," the woman said, her eyes flashing that orange colour again. "Only you and one other are tied to everyone. Tied to me. I didn't know then. I don't understand."

"Oh, good to know. I don't understand either," Lily snapped. Her eyes returned to normal and she turned to leave the Infirmary.

And Lily let her leave without saying another thing, let Professor Dumbledore walk off talking to that woman, let Professor McGonagall talk to her about her responsibility as a Hogwarts student to demonstrate the group's beliefs, let Pomfrey poke her some more. She endured it all in silence, the silence of anger and frustration, the silence of choice.

Lily could have, at any moment, taken this woman's offer, run away and been safe, severed the ties that bound her to others. It was always an option. Every day of every year of Lily's life, running away was an option-- a safe, secure option. But she was right to ask about the cost of running, because it would have cost her those links. It would have cost her Sirius Black and Gertrude Wrightman and, though the woman did not mention it, the strongest tie of all, the tie that bound Lily Evans to James Potter, the tie that remained through patrols and potions and broken promises, the tie that bound them as he flew among stars and she played the Game in deserted corridors.

Yes, running might have been an option every day, but it was never a choice for Lily Evans.


	20. Oh, Yes, He Would

**Chapter 19**

**Oh, Yes, He Would**

The "goodbye" thing for Matt McGrath and Diana Halbur was not so much a goodbye thing as it was a "get as sloshed as possible as quickly as possible in order to forget you hate your fellow prefects" thing. Lily didn't mind at all. In fact, being drunk, she had managed to hug and say goodbye to both Jenna and Jodie, the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff prefects, without laughing or smashing a bottle over their heads.

Christine handed Lily a fourth shot of fire whiskey after Jenna giggled about a boy and ran off to find Gregory something or other.

"You're not a prefect," Lily said to Christine, taking the shot and loving that she was already too far gone to be able to taste it. That meant good things for the rest of the five-hour train ride.

"No. Wait. Shhhh," Christine replied. "I'm being tricky."

Lily laughed and shook her head.

"You want to find me a large glass of water?" Lily asked.

"Why?" Christine asked.

"You have to chug water like a champ if you want to avoid hangovers," Lily replied. Petunia had taught her that. Christine nodded and summoned Lily a glass from a passing fifth year. Lily wondered why she hadn't thought of doing that.

"Where's Matt?" Lily asked, looking around for the Head Boy. She hadn't said goodbye to him yet.

"He's in there with Diana," Christine said, pointing to the particularly small compartment off of the main prefect one. Lily looked over at Christine. Shouldn't she have been jealous? Paranoid? Cautious? Anxious?

"Aren't you worried about that?" Lily asked, pointing with her empty glass at the closed door.

"He's not my boyfriend," Christine replied.

_Oh, frick_, Lily thought, _Christine _is_ nervous about the whole thing_. But being Christine, she wouldn't admit it. Well, Lily would fix that. She walked right over to that door and knocked. When it slid open, Matt was standing there looking very disgruntled, but whether he looked that way because Lily had interrupted or because he was spending time with Diana, Lily didn't know.

Or she didn't until his eyes landed on Christine and his whole face lit up as he smiled. Christine smiled back, looking oddly proud.

"Matt, we still need to discuss—" Diana began.

"Nothing," Matt replied, twisting around with that smile still on his face. "We only have five more hours on this train. Let's have fun. I've enjoyed working with you all year, Diana."

"You too," Diana replied, smiling a tight smile. Matt reached out and took Christine by the hand and led her away. Lily smiled at Diana and also tried to leave, but Diana walked quickly forward and cut her off.

"Do you hate me?" Diana hissed.

"What?" Lily asked, almost dropping her glass of water out of shock. Where had that come from?

"Do you hate me? Is that why you've done these things?" Diana pressed, waving her hand widely around as if Lily had made the universe against Diana's distinct wishes.

"No. What things? I don't hate you." Lily was too drunk for this conversation.

"Then are you just mean and malicious?" Diana asked and—oh frick—she had tears in her eyes. How was Lily supposed to deal with _that_? "You undermined me at meetings, you were blatantly rude and disrespectful to me when I spoke, you didn't participate, you asked to leave and not to have to attend meetings, and then, out of meetings, just as Matt and I—you—"

Lily looked at Diana in shock. What? Lily hadn't meant to do any of those things. Well, okay, she could understand how Diana would think that Lily's intention was to hurt her, but she hadn't been trying to spite Diana. Honestly. She told her so.

"Then is it just that you wanted to make my job harder?" Diana asked.

"Are you drunk?" Lily asked, trying to focus on Diana's face. She didn't look drunk.

"I liked Matt and we were coming together when you forced Christine to kiss him in the corridor in front of me."

Lily could only stand gaping at this girl, horrified. Diana had liked Matt? Matt McGrath? And she thought Lily had shoved him together with Christine to spite her? Oh, that was _perfect_. Just effing perfect. Lily hoped Diana was drunk: very, very drunk.

"He and Christine have been dating since New Year's," Lily told her.

"What?" Diana whispered, shaking her head and staring out at the trees. She summoned herself a bottle of champagne and turned to leave. "I hope, whoever the Head Girl is next year, that you treat her with more respect that you did me."

Lily watched Diana walk away, feeling humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. It was official: Lily was a shitty human being.

"Is something the matter?" Gertrude asked, walking over and watching Diana's retreating back.

"Oh, no. Diana thinks I created the universe in order to spite her, but generally no, nothing's wrong." Lily leaned her head against the wall and began pounding it against it. She couldn't even feel the impact, she was so drunk.

"Stop that," Gertrude said.

"Why?" Lily asked, opening one of her eyes slightly. "Should you be talking to me right now?"

"Perhaps not. It isn't proper, but I'm now a seventh year," Gertrude replied.

"And an heir," Lily added bitterly. "Which means you're untouchable, apparently."

Gertrude looked across the room, over the heads of the students. To a casual observer, it probably it looked like Gertrude and Lily were simply standing next to one another, not talking.

"Do you know what being an heir really means, Lily?"

"You get to act snooty?" Lily guessed, still upset by Diana's accusations and deciding to take her frustrations out on Gertrude, who seemed like an emotional black hole. You couldn't hurt a black hole. They were the perfect scapegoats.

"Not even necessarily the heir to one of the seven families, but the heir to a proud family," Gertrude clarified, ignoring Lily's comment and proving Lily's black hole theory.

"My answer is still the same."

"It means responsibility," Gertrude said. Lily spotted Matt across the room smiling at Christine. " It entails an obligation to protect your family, honour them, and remain loyal to them. It is the reason why Samantha Caldwell has chosen to avoid this war and why Kevin Creggie is top of our year in Defence and why Timothy Bones is interning with the Ministry."

Lily's head was swimming and she just wanted to close her eyes and sleep until tomorrow. Oh, and she wanted to pee. She took another gulp of water. Gertrude ought to be drunker.

"In certain circles," Gertrude continued, "it also means instant respect."

"People instantly respect Sirius?" Lily asked.

"People used to," Gertrude said, and her voice was as close to sad as Lily had ever heard.

"And you?" Lily asked.

"My house knows who I am," Gertrude said, and Lily, even drunk, knew the blonde Slytherin was telling Lily that she was untouchable and respected a great deal by her house. But, Lily wondered, if Gertrude was siding with Dumbledore, how long would that respect last? Would the prestige of an old family heir overcome the taint of war?

Looking at Gertrude, Lily believed it would.

"I need more water," Lily said, shaking her empty glass.

"Lily!" Kevin exclaimed, running over and hugging Lily. Yep, he was drunk too.

**------**

But Lily soon decided to leave the prefect compartment and wander down the train in search of Sam. Lily thought they needed to talk again. Lily needed to tell her that she understood that she was an heir. Yep, that was Lily plan until someone grabbed her arm when she bounced against a wall. She turned to thank them for keeping her upright.

"Thank you, Peter Pettigrew," Lily greeted, smiling.

"You're welcome, Lily Evans." He was smirking. "A little tipsy, are you?"

Snape was walking down the train. Lily saw, and she called out, "I hate you!"

Peter laughed and Lily turned to him.

"No, I do hate him," Lily insisted. "He's so mean to me for absolutely no reason. What've I ever done to _him_? Did I get the girl he liked together with one of my best friends or undermine _him _at prefect meetings? No. No, I did _not_."

"I really think I ought to take you—"

"I want to go to the loo," Lily announced, pulling away from Peter and moving further down the train. Peter slid a door open.

"Sirius," Peter hissed so quietly that Lily would not have heard him if she hadn't had just simply amazing hearing. She spun around so fast that she had to take a single step forward to balance. "Lily's sloshed"

Sirius peaked his grinning head out of the compartment and almost laughed when he saw Lily glaring at him.

"I'm just a little drunk," Lily told him, holding up two fingers.

"How's that working out for you?" Sirius asked, stepping out of the compartment and leaning against the wall opposite her. Peter smiled too.

"It would be fabulous if I could find Sam and the loo," Lily said, choosing to be mature and not hex him for looking so stuffed up.

"That's an odd combination," Peter noted.

"I have to pee and I have to tell her that I know she's an heir—oh! So are you, Sirius." Lily waved a hand in his general direction. "Actually, where's James?"

"You want him to take advantage of you while you're in this state?" Sirius suggested, smiling.

"No," she said condescendingly. "I want to tell him I think he's fabulous."

"I thought _I _was fabulous," Sirius complained.

"She _did_ say that," Peter said, nodding. Lily glared at him. "And everyone's saying you're dating. You better watch out, Sirius. She's trying to cheat on you."

"And with my best friend too," Sirius said.

"I don't think either of you is being funny," Lily complained.

"So James _isn't_ fabulous?" Sirius asked.

"He is," Lily said, sighing. "You too, but he's just amazing. You think he'll wait for me?"

"Why do you always tell _me _these things about James?" Sirius asked. He was joking. Maybe. Lily didn't really know. He could have been honestly asking her. She was too drunk to know. "Why don't you tell him?"

"Because it would inflate his already too big ego," Lily replied, then stopped, thought about what she'd said, and reconsidered her opinion. "Or maybe not. Maybe he's really Remus. I don't know. I'm still really confused."

"Yeah."

"I don't know if I can trust him," Lily complained, feeling a wave of sadness that made her blink back tears. Alcohol sure made her emotional. "Who is he?"

"He's James," Sirius answered.

"I know," Lily said, still blinking. "I know that. It's just I don't know that _yet_. I don't believe that and I'm frustrated but I still like him and I think I have to just get over it, but I can't just forget. But I'll try. I'll try really hard."

"You're going to feel so stupid in about five seconds," Sirius said. Damn that smile. She hated that smile and told him so. Then thought about what he said.

"Why am I going to feel stupid?" Lily asked.

"Because I'm going to cast the Sobering Charm on you."

"I hate that charm," Lily mumbled. "It's really a curse. It never does any good."

Sirius began muttering the charm.

"Is James with a girl?" Lily asked suddenly. "I told him he could be, but thinking about that hurts."

"Trust me," Sirius said, "he's not with another girl." He cast the charm and Lily blinked at him a few times, glad for the water she'd been drinking because the sobering was not accompanied by a headache, but she did realize how desperately she really wanted to find a loo.

"It's quite the party up in the prefect compartment," Lily said to fill to awkward silence. Sirius laughed and Peter smiled.

"Still want to find James?"

"No," Lily replied, looking down at her toes and almost-but-not-quite managing to not feel like an idiot. "I'm off to the loo."

"And then to find James?" Sirius asked, winking.

"No," Lily denied, turning to head down to the closest loo.

**------**

But if Lily Evans ever imagined Sirius Black could be quiet about her location, she was proven wrong as the door to the loo opened and James Potter walked in as Lily was washing her hands.

She stared at him for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts.

"You're in the girl's loo," she said.

"Yes. It's very nice in here," James noted, staring at her. She felt a blush creep up onto her cheeks. "Much nicer than the bloke's loo. I should write Dumbledore a strongly worded letter about that."

"Like Sirius's letters to the Chocolate Frog company?" Lily asked, trying to break the ice with some humour.

"He told you about those?" James asked, smiling.

"No, Dumbledore did."

"Did he now?" James asked. "No wonder they never write Sirius back."

"Yep, no wonder." And then Lily became very aware of the fact that she was in the loo with James Potter. In a very small room in general with him. It felt very, very awkward after a moment.

"I don't want to just keep yelling at you and then kissing you," Lily said. James nodded across from her, a smile creeping across his face as he kept staring. Well, if he thought she'd be the first to look away he had another think coming.

"So," he began, "have a great holiday."

"That's what you came in here to say?" Lily asked, smiling despite her best efforts. Eyes twinkling, he shook his head.

"I hear you were drunk." He was definitely smirking. How irritating. How freaking attractive. He looked so good, standing there, arms crossed over his chest, smirking at her.

"And I was loving being drunk until that idiotic best friend of yours decided to remedy the situation."

"He is a bother sometimes," James agreed, taking a step forward.

"But he's also fabulous," Lily said, taking her own step.

"So I hear." That smirk was just so freaking _edible_.

"Jealous?" Lily asked, tearing her eyes away from his mouth to look into his amused eyes.

"Of Sirius?" James asked, shaking his head. "I hear he's going to be your date at your sister's wedding."

"I needed someone to impress my sister's new in-laws." Lily scooted a little closer, close enough to reach out and touch him if she wanted. Close enough for him to touch her.

"Good choice." James's hand came and rested on her hip, sending tingles out through the rest of her body. Frick that felt amazing and it was barely a touch. Lily fought the urge to close her eyes as he took a step forward.

"He'll charm the hell out of them all," Lily managed to say in an only-slightly-shaky voice. He laughed a deep laugh and came yet closer, nodding.

"Yes, he will," he said, leaning in to whisper in her ear. "Why didn't you ask me?"

Oh his breath was doing amazing things to her ear. And then he was kissing her ear and she nearly melted against him, reaching out a hand and clutching his shoulder.

"I'm giving you the holidays to think," she whispered, twisting her head so that now his lips were right in front of hers.

"Right," he said sceptically.

Lily laughed lightly, wanting so much to move forward just a fraction of an inch and let herself kiss this bloke she had liked for two years, the bloke she thought was funny and clever and amazing looking, the bloke she belonged with.

"I hear you thought I was with a girl," James said. Why wasn't he kissing her, pulling her closer? Why was he so close and not yet close enough?

"Yes, well, I'm stupid," Lily said, figuring she should just make the first move. She leaned in and he leaned back just as quickly, avoiding her kiss.

"No," James said. "I heard what you said Lily."

"What?" Lily asked, upset and ashamed as she stepped away from him. Oh, she'd tried to kiss him and he'd—oh, he probably thought she was a slag or something now. Frick. Oh frick. She was such a fool.

"I heard what you said about us," he repeated, not trying to move closer to her.

"About not wanting to yell and kiss?" Lily asked. "We haven't yelled yet. We're fine."

"No," he said, and his voice was strained. Was she crazy to have thought he wanted to kiss her? She didn't know. She felt crazy, but that could have more to do with the horribly enticing way he reached a hand out and circled his finger around on her left side. "What you told Dumbledore about Carpenter and that project, I heard that. I know what you meant. We need to know each other as each other, you know? You need to know that I'm me and that I know you."

"You're babbling nonsensically," Lily said. James laughed, smiling that endearing, heartbreaking, painful smile.

"We can't just kiss each other." At her look, he added, "Not that I don't want to, I do. And I know I sound like a poof, but I don't just want to kiss you until we're both sick of one another and then have us realize that we still aren't comfortable around each other. I like talking to you, too, and laughing with you, and sauntering with you."

Lily reminded him, "_You_ saunter. _I_ meander."

"Right, well—"

The door opened, or began to open, when Lily rushed over and grabbed it so that it couldn't be opened any further.

"Yes?" Lily asked, agitated.

"Oh. Um. Hello. Lily, right?" the girl asked. Lily recognized her immediately: the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, Nancy Adams.

"Yes. Nancy, hi. How are you?"

"Good," she replied uncertainly. "Can I use the loo?"

"Would you mind terribly finding a different one?"

"Why?" Nancy asked. Why she couldn't have just left, Lily did not know.

"I'm trying to snog a bloke in here," Lily replied, figuring making the girl uncomfortable would make her run. Lily heard a bit of laughter behind her and smiled as James moved to her left, hidden by the door, his right hand resting on her back.

"Sirius Black?" Nancy asked. This time Lily laughed and James arm wrapped possessively around her middle, bringing his body closer and into Nancy's line of site.

"No," Lily replied, smiling, "not Sirius Black."

Nancy's eyes were wide as she stared at James. "James?"

"Hello, Nancy," he replied, pressing his side against Lily. She couldn't stop smiling, thinking about how this must look to an outsider: like a girlfriend having a secret rendezvous with her sworn enemy who was also her boyfriend's best friend. Ha!

"Are you two dating?" Nancy asked.

"Each other?" Lily said, wording it to create drama. "No, _we're _not dating."

Nancy nodded, said some more small chat, and finally fled. Lily and Jams shut the door laughing.

"That's going to create quite the stir," James said.

"And it'll be freaking hilarious," Lily replied. He unwrapped his arm from around her waist and backed up. Lily missed him immediately.

"Okay. Maybe I'm a little jealous that everyone thinks you and Sirius are dating," James admitted. Lily laughed.

"Not just dating," Lily replied. "The first years tell me that we're getting married secretly over the summer because I'm carrying his child. It's all very complex."

"So _you're _the girl his mother wrote that Howler about," James said, joking.

Lily shrugged. "What can I say? We've been hiding our love from everyone for years."

They smiled at each other.

"You know," Lily said, "I miss talking to you."

"We're talking now," James reminded her.

"I know, but that's not what I meant," Lily said. "Like after I finished my practice N.E.W.T.s I just wanted to run up to Remus and talk to him about it, and then I remembered that he was you and I just— I was a tad frustrated. I forgave you for what you did. That was so easy, forgiving you, because I understand why you did it and I'm even beginning to be a little happy. But I still don't believe that you're—him. Wow. That sounds so stupid."

"No," James said, a smile lit up his face. "When I first started patrolling with you, I couldn't believe the way you were acting. I kept hearing what you said, making me laugh, and I just couldn't _believe _this was the same Lily Evans that I'd been chasing after for a year."

Lily laughed. "A year?"

"Or two," James amended, shocking Lily. Really? Was that true? Her heart constricted. "You called me a Transfiguration prodigy and said that Sirius was insane. You played a game in the middle of the night with your friends. You made sickle bets. You lied to Filch. You tackled Filch! And I was so sure I knew you in fifth year. I didn't."

"Sirius said that to me too," Lily noted, trying not to blush as she gestured at his face.

"Well, it's true," James said. "You weren't demure or uptight like I imaged you might have been."

"Did you really just use the word demure?"

"Yes," James said, "like 'lovely,' is that a word I should purge from my vocabulary?"

"Only if you want that girl you like to think you're interested in women."

"Ha! See, it was comments like that which I hadn't expected from you," James said. "Sirius, that night your ex visited, came up to me and said, 'I was wrong. I approve. She's brilliant. What's your plan?'"

Lily laughed and shook her head, feeling more than a little embarrassed.

"Sirius is a little blunt, isn't he?" Lily asked.

"More than that," James said. "He told me that night that he was going to have so much fun with this whole thing, told me we simply _had _to date."

"He told me we should have started dating at eleven, and in his F.A.D. letter he gave me a very, very blatant hint that I was being obtuse, which, being obtuse, I missed," Lily said.

"Oh, that was the embarrassing night of the potato talk," James said, laughing. And Lily laughed too, more out of embarrassment than anything else.

"You know, on patrols, you had this look on your face—I called that the Remus look—when you seemed to be reassessing everything about me and I adored that look. I just basically adored patrolling with you."

"That's because I'm adorable," James answered, shrugging and smirking. Lily leaned over and squeezed his cheek.

"Just so adorable," she said condescendingly. He looked at her then with laughter in his eyes, leaning in and kissing her cheek before he backed up to the door.

"So the holidays then?" he asked, hand on the door. A pang of regret coursed through Lily even as she nodded.

"I just—" She wanted somehow to explain why this was so important to her, why she needed these few months, why she needed to know that this was still something that he wanted after a large amount of time. She didn't want to have him with her for a week and then come back in September to awkwardness. It would kill her.

"You need to be convinced," James offered, smiling. "I understand. Promise."

Lily walked forward and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. _Please convince me. _

Backing away from him, they both smiled, and then he opened the door and left. Lily took a moment to compose herself, washed her hands again, and then headed out of the loo in search of Sam and Tracy.

**------**

"Can we talk?" Lily asked, standing in the open door of her friend's compartment. Tracy and Sam looked back at her, sort of shocked, and nodded. Tracy scooted over against the window so that Lily could sit after she shut the door.

"Christine's not here," Tracy said.

"She's with Matt in the Prefect compartment," Lily answered, fully aware of the role reversal there: Tracy was normally the one that kept track of Christine, wasn't she? Lily shook her head, trying not to distract herself.

The three of girls sat staring at each other for a moment too long. Sam met Lily's gaze. Tracy couldn't drag her eyes away from the floor.

"I know you lot didn't mean to hurt me," Lily began.

"We didn't," Tracy adamantly agreed, looking up.

"It was just such a shock," Lily said. Sam nodded, still silent.

"I almost killed Sirius when I figured it out," Tracy said. Lily wanted to smile, but an echo of her earlier anger and irritation flared. She wanted to ask Tracy why she hadn't come to Lily at the beginning of the freaking year when she realized that James liked her. Why had Tracy waited until James and Sirius kept something from _her _before she wanted to talk about everything?

"I remember seeing Sirius pick you up and drag you out of the common room," Lily said.

"I elbowed him in the head," Tracy said, "and Peter was busy trying to convince Sam not to say anything, to give James time."

The scorn in her voice made Lily sort of flinch, but before she could even begin to tell Tracy about the deal she had made with James, Sam interrupted.

"You've forgiven James," Sam said. Lily looked over at her, stared for a moment, trying to remember that Sam had once seemed able to read Lily's mind. Then Lily nodded.

"What?" Tracy sounded distraught.

"I understand why he did it," Lily mumbled, feeling silly.

"You forgave him because you like him," Tracy accused, "and you still haven't forgiven two of your best friends."

"Well, I understand what _he _did," Lily returned, looking out the window of the compartment, "and to tell you the truth, if I'd thought of it, I would have made myself look like _Sirius_ if it meant I could have spent time with James."

"Ew," Tracy said.

Lily laughed. "I didn't mean—ha! Sorry. No. That wasn't where I was going with that."

"Then where were you going with it?" Sam asked. Lily gave her friend a shrug and a half smile.

"I still don't really understand why you did what you did," Lily said. "I would have just told you everything."

"We thought this was the only way," Tracy said. Lily took a deep breath, trying not to snap about what an idiotic thought that had been.

"Well, in any case, I wanted you to know that I forgive you. It was a shock. It hurt. But I'm not about to let this get in the middle of six years of friendship."

Well, okay, that was a bit of a lie. Lily had already let this upset six years of friendship, but she was working to stop the bitterness and anger that she still felt. Lily just knew that if she didn't make this okay before they all left this train, coming back next year would be horrific and then all of seventh year would be awkward. She didn't want her final year at Hogwarts to be the worst one.

"Did you read my letter?" Tracy asked. And a flare of anger went through Lily again, but she shook it away.

"Yes."

"And?" Tracy asked.

She looked so earnest, so eager that Lily sort of wanted to curse her. Lily mentally went through the letter and her possible reactions again: _I want to kill you for the Wednesday night study idea; I want to kill you for not telling me that James was talking to you about me; I want to kill you for talking to him about me at all; I want to kill you for lying to me; but most of all I want to kill you for making this all about you, Tracy._

"I'm sorry you lost the Quidditch Cup," Lily said. Luckily, Tracy laughed in response. Lily smiled.

"I missed you, Lily," Tracy said, leaning over and hugging her. Lily nodded in response even though she honestly wasn't sure she had missed Tracy and she wondered why before realizing that she'd had Sirius and Christine and Gertrude to fill that void.

Sam and Tracy had been Lily's closest friends for years. They had been comfortable and fun and everything that Lily had needed. But somehow this new seventeen-year-old Lily Evans needed something else from her friends, something that was not exactly comfortable, something that was not exactly perfect. She needed people that knew comfort and perfection were overrated. She needed reality from her new friends. She needed people that knew the world was not black and white, that knew friends didn't have to be the same, that knew Lily Evans could be happy having dinner with a Slytherin and tackling Sirius Black in a the corridor even though she had gone to the Ball.

And unfortunately, Samantha Caldwell and Tracy McGrath were no longer the people that worked with Lily Evans.

But still, they were friends. They would always be friends. Maybe not close, but forever bound together by a childhood friendship that helped shape the people they would become.

**------**

After three hours of conversation, the train pulled into the station. Amidst hugs, the girls said their goodbyes and then collected their trunks and pulled them off the train to waiting parents. Lily passed by Tracy's family.

"Bye, Lily!" Will called out. "See you next year!"

"See you next year, Will," Lily replied, smiling. "I'd hug you goodbye, but I don't want to embarrass you."

Will smiled and nodded, then glanced around, raced forward, and wrapped his arms around Lily quickly before racing back to his parents, a blush on his cheeks. Mr. and Mrs. McGrath waved, smiling. Lily laughed. Christine, who stood next to Matt, also came up to hug Lily goodbye.

"You all right, sweety?" Lily asked. Christine, who looked particularly sad, shook her head. "Why not?"

"He's not coming back next year," Christine mumbled, and Lily hugged her friend tighter. Oh, how sad.

"Matt'll visit you," Lily assured her.

"But he won't, you know, _be_ there," Christine said, sounding as if she were on the verge of crying.

"He'll write you."

"But he won't be there," Christine repeated and Lily could say no more comforting words. No, Matt wouldn't be there. He wouldn't. This was probably the first time Christine had let Lily see how very attached she was to Matt. Lily had always known, but for Christine to be so open about it she must have been really sad. Lily was taken aback by concern and love for her friend.

A hand on her shoulder made Lily break out of the hug and turn to find Matt McGrath standing behind her looking sadly at Christine and then sort of smiling at Lily.

"It's been a great year," he said. Lily nodded, giving him a quick hug.

"It has," she said, looking at Christine. The blonde girl was trying to blink back her tears.

"I'm sure I'll see you both over the holidays," Lily said. "Matt, you only live a few blocks from me so work on that, and I'm sure Christine will visit you loads."

"She will," Matt agreed, looking at Christine. Christine smiled, but then seemed ready to cry again, even if she obviously didn't want to. Matt reached out and grabbed Christine's shoulder, pulling her into a tight hug. They stood there for a while and Lily felt like an unnecessary third wheel until Sirius Black wrapped his arms around her middle from behind, picked her up, and twirled her away as she shrieked.

"Put me down. Down. Down. Down." When he did set her down, Lily turned to face him, half laughing and half horrified. "Personal boundaries, remember?"

"Right, I don't respect those, remember?" Sirius replied. He crossed his arms and smiled at her. "So, I hear you're cheating on me with Sputnik."

Lily laughed. "Oh no! Who told you?"

"Nancy Adams confronted me immediately," Sirius said. "So are you_ really _cheating on me?"

"No," Lily said. "I'm sure he'll tell you about it later."

"He will. We're like twins."

"I know, I hear McGonagall complain about it all the time," Lily said, flicking his arm.

"What was that flick for?"

"The holidays. I just thought a pre-emptive strike was in order," Lily said.

"What could I do to you over the holidays?"

"Harass James about me? Talk about me?" Lily suggested.

"Oh, right, well that was a given," Sirius said. Lily smiled at him.

"I'm going to miss you, Sirius Black," Lily said.

"You know something, Lily? I'm going to miss you too," Sirius said in an uncharacteristically sincere voice. Lily smiled up him, winking.

"You'll miss me, eh, Sirius?" she said suggestively, leaning in and whispering, "Does Sputnik know?"

"No. Sputnik's a jealous bugger. I'm keeping it from him," Sirius replied, shaking his head with mock-sadness. He looked over his shoulder and Lily followed his gaze, noticing James standing with two people who might have been his parents, looking back at her. She waved and smiled at him, feeling very brave and forward. He waved back, raising his eyebrows at Sirius and then looking at a pair of first years watching them avidly. Ha! That was great.

"I'm off to live with the Potters," Sirius said. That's right. Lily remembered, now, hearing him talk about running away from his family on New Year's Eve. Something about the Ball.

"That's nice."

"Their house is amazing. They have these fabulous cats and I even get a room in the family wing."

"The family _wing_?" Lily repeated, incredulous. Sirius laughed. "You must be joking."

"Good to know you're not after him for his money," Sirius said.

"I'm after him for his family, actually, the magical lineage and all," Lily joked, glad to return to joking with Sirius about James, but a dark look crossed Sirius's face for a moment and he scared Lily a little.

"Well, families do determine _everything _about a person," Sirius replied. Lily saw his eyes focus on her and that guilt was creeping into him again.

"Puh," Lily said, brushing his comment and his look aside, trying to lighten the mood. "Families don't determine the type of person you are. Look at my Muggle family. And I'm sure Dumbledore's got some crazy ducks in his family tree."

"Dumbledore _is _the crazy duck."

"Right, I'd almost forgotten," Lily said.

"You're going to write me twelve page missives, right?" Sirius asked, changing the subject. Lily laughed.

"Who do you think you are? Did you just ask if I was going to write you a 'missive'?" Lily shook her head at him. "And why don't _you_ write _me_?"

"I'm a bloke," Sirius said condescendingly. "We don't do that."

"That sucks because I'm a girl and we don't write first."

"Then we find ourselves in a conundrum," Sirius said. "Unless, of course, you let James write you—"

"You're still coming with me to my sister's wedding, yes?" Lily asked, taking charge and changing the subject on her own.

"August 15th, I'm the best date you'll ever have," Sirius agreed. Then his face fell into an exaggerated frown. "Do I have to wear one of those—those tie things?"

"Shut it, Sirius," Lily said. "Pretend all you want, but I know you're secretly very able to handle yourself in proper company."

"We'll just have to see about that when I turn up with a tie around my knee."

"See? You knew that wasn't where the tie belonged."

"Foiled again," Sirius mumbled.

"I'm off, then," Lily said, jerking her head in the direction of her waiting parents. Sirius gave them a wave and then turned back to Lily.

"About the wedding," he said, "owl me to make sure I don't forget."

"All right," Lily agreed, reaching out and hugging him briefly, tightly. "Bye."

"You know, James is over there if you just want to give him a goodbye—"

"A goodbye kiss?" Lily asked. "Sure, I'll just walk up and snog him senseless in front of his parents and a bunch of students that think I'm dating _you_."

"I was going to say a goodbye shag, but a snog might work."

"You should hang around Christine more often," Lily said, She summoned her trunk over from where Christine and Matt were still talking, and pulled her magically lightened trunk over to her parents. She loved being of age.

"Goodbye, Lily Evans!" Sirius shouted across the platform. Lily, laughing, yelled back.

"Goodbye, Sirius Black!"

Her parents looked at her expectantly as she approached. She had already said hello to them, only to then ask that she could say goodbye to some friends before they left.

"Who was that boy?" Faith Evans asked. Her father just stood there scowling. Couldn't get over his little girl dating, could he?

"That's my friend Sirius who I'm bringing to Petunia's wedding," Lily replied as her father took hold of the trunk and put it on the cart. Obviously not expecting it to be so light, he over balanced and almost fell over.

"I lightened it," Lily explained.

"You what?" her father asked, confused.

"Just something I learned at school," Lily said, feeling another brick added to the wall between her father and her. But she brushed that aside. This was her family. No matter what came between them, they were connected through roots they could never break. Ever. Lily refused to let those roots be cut.

"Lily, I think Sam wants to talk to you," Mrs. Evans said, pointing over Lily's shoulder where Sam stood. Lily thanked her mother and excused herself briefly as she walked over to her friend.

"Hey, Sam," Lily greeted, leaning in and hugging her friend uncertainly. Sam didn't look that well.

"Lily, I didn't mean to give you twenty feet of parchment and disappear," Sam whispered in Lily's ear. "And I know you haven't completely forgiven us yet, but maybe by September, things will be easier."

They backed out of the hug.

"I'll write you every week," Sam said.

"And I'll respond to every second owl," Lily joked. And it was almost funny except that both girls felt like they were lying.

"Bye, Lily," Sam said.

"Bye, Sam," Lily replied, watching her friend leave as her mother called her to get in the car. Lily had almost forgotten how well Sam knew her, knew her emotions, knew that she needed twenty feet of parchment instead of a lecture about opening up.

No, Sam, Tracy, and Lily would never have exactly the same relationship they'd had before, but in September things would be better, or they would be better at pretending nothing had changed.

**------**

The car ride home was filled with catching up: Lily learned that Petunia was at a dress fitting and that hers was scheduled for tomorrow and despite her best efforts, Lily was a little excited; Lily told her parents about the practice N.E.W.Ts and her seventh year project; she told them about having a row with Sirius Black and how he lined the walls of her school with lilies; and she told them Christine and Matt dating. It was the last one that shocked her mother the most, though her father was focused on other information.

"Are you and Sirius Black dating?" Mr. Evans asked.

"No, Dad. He was actually trying to force me and his best friend together," Lily said, wondering what she had written about in her progressively-shorter letters home. How did her parents not know about Sirius Black, who was now such a large part of her life?

"And that Christian boy?"

"I haven't seen him in months," Lily said vaguely, hoping her parents wouldn't ask further questions about that. She still wasn't sure how much they understood-- or wanted to understand-- about the Ball.

"Good." Lily smiled at her dad's response.

**------**

June and July ended in a flurry of dress fittings and introductions and stressed-out Petunia moments. She wanted so much for her wedding to be perfect. The family tried to help out, tried to convince her it would be, but she was on edge and ready to snap at anyone – read: Lily – whenever anything went wrong.

Of course, Petunia actually had a legitimate reason to scream at Lily's sixth fitting (the first five dressmakers, Petunia had discovered after they'd finished with Lily, were all horrid).

"Are you sure you want me to where green?" Lily asked at the woman loosely wrapped the tape around her middle.

"I picked the bride's maids dresses with _you _in mind, Lily, and you're complaining?" Petunia asked, almost hysterical as she flipped the page in her wedding cake book. She'd cancelled her original order the day before.

"No, not complaining," Lily said. Her sister was in enough of a mood as it was without Lily having to add anything to it. That, of course, was when the owl came flying into the room.

"Ahhhhhhh!" the dressmaker screamed, avoiding stabbing Lily in the eye with her nails only because Lily jumped off her stool and called the owl down to her arm, where it landed.

By then Petunia was shrieking too. She and the dressmaker were competing, it seemed, for shrillest shriek. Mrs. Evans came running in trying to calm them, but that entailed yelling and the whole thing was becoming a disaster.

Lily untied a thick roll of parchment and sent the bird on its way.

After some cajoling – and flat out lying to the dressmaker—Mrs. Evans moved the fitting right along. Not that Lily cared. All Lily really cared about was the fact that in her hand she held a letter from a friend. She wondered who it could be from. Christine was horrible at writing over the holidays, but she had stopped by twice with Matt. Matt wrote Lily only to say when they were coming over. Gertrude hadn't written her all summer, not that Lily had really expected her to write. Sam didn't write her either, and that was a bit more of a surprise. Tracy wrote her short notes to talk about meaningless things. Lily wrote back with equally empty letters, a bit sad at this turn of events.

Sirius wrote her religiously: every third day his owl would hop up on her windowsill and wait to be noticed. She'd write back immediately, his well-trained owl waiting for her to finish her own letter, no matter how long it took.

But the owl that came to the fitting was not an owl Lily recognized.

In the car on the way home, as Petunia sobbed something awful about her wedding falling apart and Mrs. Evans tried to console her, Lily opened the letter and began to read.

_Lily,_

_This, in case you were wondering, is a letter from James: me (not you). I'm not writing this because Sirius is pestering me to, though he is and if you could tell him to stop that would be LOVELY. Okay. This is actually a copy of the revised essay I wrote for Carpenter on my Muggle Studies project. Enjoy._

_James_

Lily looked up at her sister and mother in the front seats and surreptitiously kept reading, wondering if she was about to read about cheese in a can or something equally ridiculous.

Assignment, part three: Talk to a Muggle-born student and ask them what they miss most about the Muggle world. Does it correspond to what they believe they gave up to come to Hogwarts? Why or why not? 

_When I first started this assignment, I thought I knew everything about the Muggle world already. I have gotten high marks on all of my tests and exams in this class, and I knew what I would miss most: whipped cream in a can. I still want to try that delightful Muggle invention. So I wrote my essay and asked Lily Evans if I could put her name on it. She said yes in a way I now recognize was dismissive._

_And I received a "redo" on this section of the project. _

_I deserved to have to redo it, too. (I've never admitted deserving a redo before and if you could keep this from McGonagall, it would be appreciated.)_

_I hadn't thought about how learning a new skill—a skill your family can't imagine, let alone begin to understand—would affect a family or a Muggle-born student._

_Coming to Hogwarts, Lily Evans gave up her family, her right to every Muggle dream she had as a child. She gave up steering a boat around the world and going to a University and the ability to have her parents understand not simply her education, but also her choices, her eventual job, even her homework—her life._

_She gave all of that up when she was eleven, when she could not have known what she was choosing. She only imagined she was becoming a part of a fairytale without realizing that threats like Voldemort and Grindelwald really exist. She made a choice, before she understood what it meant, and gave up all of her childhood friends to pursue the seemingly perfect dream of magic that Muggles have when they are young. _

_She misses her sister Petunia, her childhood best mate Adrianna, her parents, even football. She misses the world her eleven-year-old self knew. She misses feeling safe._

_But most of all, now that she is seventeen, Lily misses the magical world when she isn't there, because yes, she gave up loads to join Hogwarts, she misses a lot, too, but, in the end, after six years of emersion, she can't help but have new dreams for the future, dreams that eclipse her childhood ones. Fueled with magic and all of the new magical possibilities, Lily has learned that she would give up magic for no one. She would miss it too much._

_Instead, as with her seventh year project, she will create new spells and fight the bias that exists in parts of the magical world as best she can._

_She gave up her childhood dreams and found a grown-up purpose at Hogwarts._

Well, Lily thought, that was a bit personal for James to have turned in to a professor, especially one Lily did not know. It was a bit personal for James to have written at all. How had he remembered all of their conversations so well, all of Lily's passing mentions of Adrianna and football and her dream to sail around the world?

"Are you all right, Lily?" Faith Evans asked, turning around. Lily shrugged and nodded, realizing they were home. "You're crying."

Lily stepped out of the car and stood on her driveway, looking up at her white Muggle home. She looked at her mother staring worriedly at her. She saw Petunia even looking concerned. She wanted to tell them about this letter, tell them that James really was Remus, about the potion and the trickery and how this letter had convinced her that James was fine, James was better than fine. But that seemed crazy and telling them that would probably only worry them more.

"I really missed you both this year," Lily said, rolling up the parchment and shoving it in her back pocket. "And I'm so excited that you're getting married in ten days, Petunia."

"Oh," Petunia said, narrowing her eyes at her. "Thank you."

"Yes, dear, thank you," Mrs. Evans said, wrapping an arm around Lily as the three of them made it into the house and then to the kitchen to start dinner. There was a mess of parchment on the counter that Lily had left there for going on a week now.

"Lily, I really need you to decide and move all of this stuff one way or the other," Mrs. Evans said, opening the fridge but indicating the parchment with a nod of her head.

Lily looked down at the pile, at the letter with Dumbledore's signature and the shiny Head Girl badge resting on top of the envelope it came in. She looked at that gold-coloured badge and thought about everything it meant, everything she had thought she did not want: responsibility; pressure; her peers thinking she thought she was better than them; McGonagall on her case; leading meetings; students looking up to her like she knew what she was doing; and the need to lead these students through a year when Voldemort may or may not be caught, may or may not kill another family, kill another student, kill Dumbledore.

Lily picked up the badge and, as she had done each day since it arrived, wondered if she deserved to be placed at the head of the school, deserved the lead them, _could _lead them. She thought about Gertrude telling her that she thought Lily was a one half of the leader Hogwarts needed. She thought about Rebecca saying she wanted Lily to be Head Girl. She thought about how hard Sirius would laugh at her appointment and how McGonagall might keel over and how Diana would have killed her, had she known Lily would be offered the position.

But no matter how much she wondered, one thing was true: Lily had big plans, big dreams, dreams that truly did eclipse her childhood ones. And she was not about to let her own fear, let alone fear of what anyone else might think of her, keep her from accomplishing great things.

**------**

The day before the wedding, Lily came home from a run to find her room filled with white roses.

"Mum, did Sirius stop by today?" Lily asked her mother as Faith raced down the hall with a handful of pins.

"Who? No." Her mother disappeared into the room that Lily now referred to as 'the changing room.'

"Dad?" Lily asked, popping her head into her parents's room.

"Yes?"

"Any idea why my room suddenly looks like a botanical garden?"

"Oh, yes. Right. The florists had the wrong day. I'm calling them right now." He shut the door. Lily looked up and down the hall, miffed. Where was she supposed to sleep?

The easy answer to that question: Petunia's room. Petunia-the-frantic-bride-to-be's room. Petunia-who-couldn't-sleep-for-all-her-nerves's room.

"Are you asleep, Lily?" Petunia asked in the middle of the night.

"No. Your tossing and turnings hasn't exactly been conducive to sleep," Lily muttered, lifting her head briefly off the floor and focusing her eyes on the place where she knew her sister was laying. The room was too dark to see the bed in detail, but she saw the outline.

"Lily, I'm getting married in almost twenty hours," Petunia said.

"Less than that, really." Lily put her head back on her pillow.

"You're really not helping me fall asleep, you know."

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes," Petunia whispered. "I'm so nervous and excited that I'm shaking."

"Want to talk about it?"

"With you?"

"No, the other idiot lying on your floor," Lily sniped.

"If you're going to use that tone, then no, I don't want to talk about it." The two sisters lay there for a few more silent seconds. "I love him so much." Lily could hear the smile in her sister's words.

"Vernon?" Lily asked stupidly.

"Yes," Petunia said. Lily couldn't deny that Vernon Dursley seemed to fit Petunia perfectly—though his sister, with her horrid table manners and disposition did not. He had a forceful personality and drive and ambition. He would have been a Slytherin with his business plans already in the works.

"Do you think he really wants to spend forever with me?" Petunia asked.

"Of course he does," Lily replied. If there was anything Lily gleaned from the rehearsal dinner, it was that Vernon Dursley saw something in Petunia that Lily regretted missing. He told her Petunia that she was everything he needed to succeed in life. He called her beautiful and meant it. Lily had felt badly for wanting to scoff. She wasn't twelve. She wasn't a six year old on the playground teasing her sister about her looks. She was seventeen and her sister was twenty-three and getting married.

"How'd you meet him?" Lily asked.

"At the butcher's." Lily laughed. How perfect. "I was still dating Peter at the time. It was early September."

"What?" Lily asked, scandalized. She hadn't known he sister was dating someone else when she met Vernon.

"I know," Petunia whispered. "I smiled at Vernon and he says when he saw me he knew he had to have me."

"Bit possessive, wasn't he?" Lily asked.

"He didn't care that I was dating another bloke, he asked for my name and looked up the family number. Said he called thirty Evanses in the area before finding our house." Petunia's voice was so light and happy. Lily didn't think she'd ever heard her sister sound this happy. "He came by every day. I told him I was seeing someone. He said he'd wait for me to come to my senses. And I did. I've never been happy."

"I'm happy for you," Lily said, and she meant it.

"I should sleep," Petunia said.

"Take the sleeping pill Mum left you," Lily suggested.

"I took it ten minutes ago."

"Oh," Lily said, smiling. "Good. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

Even as she failed to fall asleep, Lily wondered if James would be as willing to wait for Lily as Vernon had been for Petunia. Then she mentally smacked herself for being so self-centred and for thinking about James at all.

**------**

The next morning was so full of last minute changes that Lily did not see her sister until about an hour before the ceremony began. Lily was waiting in her bride's maid dress for Sirius to arrive. She had to introduce him to her parents and Petunia at some point, and had suggested he come over early so that Faith Evans could drill him early if she so desired.

There was a knock at the door and Lily raced over to open it, excited to see her friend after nearly two months apart. He looked impeccable in a Muggle outfit with black pants, a blue collared shirt, and shiny black shoes. Lily briefly wondered if Mrs. Potter had helped him pick out the outfit.

"Hello, Sirius," Lily said, giving him a welcoming hug. He barely hugged her back, his jaw clenched. "You all right?"

"I'm fine," Sirius said, stepping inside. But he wasn't fine. He didn't even teased Lily about her bride's maid dress which fell to the floor and had sleeves out to her elbows.

"Lily, is this your friend Sirius?" Faith Evans asked, obviously pushing Lily for an introduction. Lily complied. Sirius shook Mr. Evans's hand and took Mrs. Evans's hand and stepped up to kiss her cheek hello, muttering, 'How do you do?' to both of them. Lily looked at him with wide eyes while her parents made small talk about school and things. After a few minutes the parents retreated into the kitchen.

"You sure you're all right?" Lily asked Sirius. He looked at her and nodded.

"Why?"

"You're distracted."

"How can you tell that?" Sirius asked.

"Because you only demonstrate manners when you're distracted, when you aren't consciously trying to forget them. And your accent reverts," Lily said. "It's like you're forgetting to forget your childhood etiquette lessons—"

"Drop it, Lily," Sirius snapped. Lily blinked at him. She'd never heard Sirius use that tone before. Certainly not with her, anyway. She'd been joking, but he was angry. Petunia raced down the stairs and through the living room, stopping when she noticed the guest and quickly offering her hand to him and introducing herself.

"I'm Sirius Black," he said. "Congratulations on the wedding."

"Thank you," Petunia said, smiling. "I'm sorry, I have to run."

"Not a problem," Sirius said. "It was nice to meet you, Petunia."

Petunia was gone a moment later, leaving Lily looking closely at Sirius, who told her to stop it again. She was about to saying something when she remembered James telling her a long time ago that Sirius did not seem to want his help, would not accept his help. Lily figured the best thing she could do would be to avoid the subject.

"How'd you do on your practice N.E.W.T.s?" Lily asked.

"Pretty horribly, actually," Sirius said, "but as I didn't study for them and I treated them as a joke since they didn't matter to my actual marks, I guess that's to be expected."

"Why didn't you study?"

"I was too busy trying to get you and James together," Sirius said. Lily blushed and wanted to kick him in the shin. Unfortunately, that would have made her a bit of a hypocrite, as she hadn't studied much for those exams either: she'd been too busy thinking about James.

"Time to go. Time to go," Lily's father announced, walking toward the pair of them and shooing them toward the door and the car outside. Lily smiled at her dad and placed a hand on Sirius's arm to turn him to the door. He seemed lost in his own thoughts.

"You sure—"

"Yes. I'm just thinking about Sputnik and you," Sirius lied, turning and following Mr. Evans to the door, which Sirius held open for Lily. She walked through. "Sputnik's really rather enamoured with you, you know. He's thinking of tattooing your name on his arm."

Lily laughed.

"You think I'm kidding?" Sirius asked. "You should have seen his O.W.L. exams. Had little hearts and L.E.s all _over _them." Lily blushed, thinking of her own scribbling hearts with J.P. in them.

"You just had a grand old time with this this year, didn't you?" Lily asked as Sirius opened the car door and helped her into the backseat.

"You better believe it. Forcing you two to sit next to each other in class, each one thinking I was torturing _them_, was hilarious." But even with his joking tone, Lily saw a real and honest pain in Sirius Black at that moment. A real anger. What was it from?

"I taped your F.A.D. note onto my wall," Lily said.

"I'm still upset about not receiving one from you," Sirius said.

"Yeah, well, get in line behind Will McGrath," Lily muttered.

"Did you tape Remus's note up?" Sirius slid in next to her while Mrs. Evans and Petunia climbed in.

"His note was rather lame," Lily admitted.

"That's because that fool had hardly ever spoken to you when he wrote that silly thing. Yet, somehow, _he _received one of your coveted notes while I was overlooked."

"I taped the secret admirer's note to my wall," Lily said, deciding talking about James was a good plan of action.

"That's my girl," Sirius announced, smiling. Lily definitely noticed her father glancing at the pair of them as he backed out of the driveway.

**------**

Standing at the back of the church, hearing the organ music begin and hearing all of the guests hurry to sit and pull cameras out of their purses, Lily looked at her sister, Petunia Novaria Evans. She looked at Petunia – who was truly too thin, too mean, too biting, and too everything that Lily once thought she hated – and Lily saw how beautiful her sister was on this her wedding day.

"Petunia, I--" Lily began, no longer caring about the green dress that was too tight in all the wrong places, but the words stopped in her throat. Lily found that she did not have the words to bridge the gulf between them.

"Yes?" Petunia asked.

"Still nervous?" What a stupid question to ask as the music was playing and the flower girls were already marching down the aisle.

"No," Petunia said primly, though sincerely. "I'm very happy and proud to be marrying Vernon."

"He's a good man," Lily said. "He seems to care for you a great deal."

"He does," Petunia said, smiling a wide smile. The brides's men and women began to walk down the aisle.

"You look beautiful, Petunia."

For the first time, Petunia turned to look at Lily in shock. Then she nodded and looked back at the doorway that led to her future.

"You and I are very different people, Lily," Petunia whispered. "You were always meant for… _freakish _things. When we were little you wanted to travel all over the world in a boat. Instead, you went to that—that _school_—and you found your strange happy ending."

"When we were little, all you wanted was a white picket fence and a clean kitchen," Lily answered, ignoring her sister's little barbs. It had always been one of the things that drove the two sisters insane: they couldn't understand how the other sister wanted to live her life. Lily always thought Petunia wanted to settle for boring, and Petunia always thought Lily was reaching beyond her scope.

Lily and her male counterpart began walking down the aisle.

"This is _my_ happy ending," Petunia whispered as Mr. Evans walked up and looped his arm through Petunia's. Lily smiled for her sister. Yes, this was exactly what Petunia had always wanted: a white dress, a full church, a dignified husband, and a comfortable marriage.

**------**

The ceremony was long and Lily had to admit that she spent more time wondering what was bothering Sirius, who sat in the front row beside her parents, than she did listening to the wedding. But Lily did watch her sister say 'I do' and kiss her husband—her _husband_. Lily still had difficulty thinking that her sister was getting married, let alone already married, but she clapped like everyone else.

**------**

Even dancing in Sirius's arms at the reception in her magically modified dress (Lily just made it shorter and removed the sleeves), Lily found that Sirius Black was noticeably distant, keeping himself from completely opening up to her even as he twirled her around that dance floor like an old pro. He didn't trust her, she realized, and that was okay, because he didn't trust anyone except three seventeen-year-old boys who must have done somethingextraordinarily right to gain his confidence.

"You certainly charmed the family," Lily said.

"What? Oh. Neat."

Lily looked over Sirius's back and said, "Although my grandmother thinks you're a tad too uptight."

"Who's you grandmother?" Sirius asked. Lily turned him so that he could see her grandmother and grandfather waltzing in the corner of the room. "Would she prefer if I blew something up?"

"My grandmother might actually like that," Lily admitted, "but my sister would carve you like pumpkin with a dull knife."

"Not exactly a pleasant experience."

"No," Lily agreed, nodding.

There was a pause before Sirius said, "Thanks for inviting me."

Lily smiled. "Thanks for coming, Sirius. You're a good friend."

And he was. It was comfortable dancing with Sirius, twirling with him, letting him lead her through the steps to elaborate dances he pretended not to know. He never stepped on her feet, never came too close or went too far. But still, the hand on her back didn't send tingles through her as James's touched did. Oh frick. She should not have been thinking that.

Yet she already was.

"What is it you wish for right now more than anything?" Sirius asked as Lily leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I wish you were James Polyjuiced," she replied, sort of laughing at her own stupidity. "How about you?"

"I want to get out of here. _You_ want to get out of here?" Sirius asked. Lily laughed, but stopped when she saw that he was looking at her quite earnestly.

"Are you joking? You want to leave?"

"No, I'm not joking. Let's leave," he said. They stopped dancing.

"That's crazy. This is my sister's wedding reception. Where would we go?"

"I have to go talk to an old friend," Sirius said. Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"Is this just a ploy to force James and—"

"No, no, this is about Gertrude," Sirius said. Lily looked at him, standing there in front of her dancing relatives and her sister's new in-laws.

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked.

"Nothing. Never mind." He moved to start dancing again, but Lily grabbed his arm and dragged him to a table away from the dance floor.

"Sirius, what is going on with you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius said, looking at the door.

"I can't—I can't just leave my sister's reception," Lily said. "But, you can leave if you need to."

"Right," Sirius scoffed.

"Sirius, honestly, if you need to do something right now, I don't mind if you leave early," Lily said, grabbing Sirius's chin and forcing him to meet her eye.

"I'm not going to run away from my obligation—"

"You have no obligation to me except friendship and that goes two ways. You can leave if you have to," Lily said. Sirius spent a good long time looking at Lily.

"Come with me to Gertrude's," Sirius said. "Please? I need someone there."

Lily looked down at his hand and then back over the room, spotting her sister dancing in the middle of the room with Vernon as her mother and father laughed by the cake in the opposite corner. She looked over her extended family who twirled on that dance floor, blissfully ignorant of the fact that the last time Lily was near a dance floor she attacked by sociopaths, blissfully ignorant of the fact that when Lily went back to school in September she was facing a war-torn world of floating daggers and poisoned vials.

"All right," Lily said, looking up at her friend. "Let's go."

**------**

Gertrude's home was not exactly what Lily had expected. In fact, it was little more than a townhouse in London. Stepping out of the taxi was a definitely disappointment. Sirius didn't notice as he walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. A house-elf opened the door, greeted them, and asked Lily what their business was. Sirius answered and when the house-elf saw Sirius, Lily swore the already-too-big eyes widened.

After Sirius and Lily stepped into the foyer, Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a business card. He gave it to the elf who disappeared with a pop.

"So, this is Gertrude's home?" Lily asked.

"This is where they receive visitors from England," Sirius corrected her, staring at the wall, his jaw still clenched. Lily didn't say a word as she looked around and found herself wishing the Wrightman family liked windows more. She felt like she was in a coffin.

"I didn't believe it when I saw the card, but here you are," said a new voice.

Lily looked over to see who had spoken and found herself facing possibly the most gorgeous woman she'd ever seen in her life. Mid-height with black hair and silver-blue eyes, the woman was stunningly beautiful, actually, and looking at Sirius with a smirk that seemed oddly familiar.

"Yes, here I am."

"And in that _special _outfit, no less," the woman said, looking Sirius up and down with distaste on her face. Lily was a little creeped out by this woman. Okay. A lot creeped out. Her making fun of Sirius's Muggle outfit was not winning the woman any friendship points either.

"May I ask where Miss Wrightman is?" Sirius asked in his 'formal voice.'

"Gertrude will be along shortly. Her mother needed her help preparing a letter and I offered to escort the guests. Of course, Mrs. Wrightman would never have allowed such a breach in etiquette, but as we're _family_, I insisted," the woman said, turning her eyes on Lily. "I don't believe I know her, Sirius."

"No, you don't, Bellatrix" Sirius said. Lily opened her mouth to offer her name when Sirius glanced at her and gave a sharp shake of his head. She closed her mouth.

"Follow me, please," the woman – whose name was apparently Bellatrix–instructed as she began to walk into the room to their left. "I suppose you received a letter from your mother today, Sirius. Did Aunt Livia have anything interesting to say?"

"Nothing as interesting as Cousin Andromeda's news," Sirius replied.

The group stopped and Lily felt like she wasn't hearing what they were really saying. Lily, however, _was_ glad to be wearing her formal, expensive bride's maid dress. Otherwise she would have truly felt out of place when she felt a tug behind her naval from a Portkey activating and found herself standing in one of the largest sitting rooms Lily had ever seen.

"Do you and Andromeda write frequently?" Bellatrix asked, walking again. From the way Sirius didn't even glance at the woman, whom Lily supposed was his cousin, she figured he was fairly familiar with this house, mansion, freaking gigantic place.

"Not often," Sirius said, "but we do write one another with important news."

"Like when you were Sorted?" Bellatrix asked sweetly, turning left. Lily had to jog to keep up with the pair of them.

"Yes," Sirius agreed with his fake happy voice that made Lily wish to hear nails on a chalkboard. "Mostly only important events, like Sunday, when—oh. I suppose Cousin Andromeda wouldn't want you to find out from me, would she? But I'm sure she'll write you with the news, won't she, Bellatrix?"

"I'm sure I'll find out about it."

Gertrude and a woman who could have been no one other than Mrs. Wrightman entered the study where Bellatrix had led them, and Lily wasn't sure if she was glad or not. Yes, she was happy that Sirius and his cousin seem to have stopped sniping at each other in their snooty way, but Mrs. Wrightman perturbed Lily on sight. Lily assumed the woman was Mrs. Wrightman not because she and Gertrude looked alike – they didn't really, except for the light blue eyes – but because she walked with the same amount of grace, poise, and perfect posture as Gertrude. Lily was grateful for her outfit once again.

"Hello, Mr. Black," Mrs. Wrightman said.

"He is no longer recognized by the name," Bellatrix said calmly. Mrs. Wrightman raised an eyebrow that would have made Lily run screaming from the room if it had been directed at her. In fact, it almost did anyway. Why was Lily even there? Why? Sirius could have definitely done this by himself while Lily was at the reception eating chocolate wedding cake.

"Yet he is still recognized as a guest of the Wrightman family," Mrs. Wrightman replied. "As such, he deserves some respect."

Lily held back the urge to stick her tongue out at Bellatrix. In the meantime, Sirius was busy fulfilling his socially obligatory introductions.

"Mrs. Wrightman, this is—"

"I'm Lily Evans. Gertrude Wrightman, right?" Lily interrupted, trying to pretend like Gertrude might not have known. "I'm a prefect, too."

Sirius smirked, looking at Lily, and then glanced at Gertrude. Lily wondered if she'd just made a horrible, socially unacceptable mistake. She was starting to regret speaking when she realized that was idiotic. What did she care what these people thought about her? She certainly didn't want to keep their company much longer than necessary.

"Evans?" Mrs. Wrightman asked, looking at Lily with distaste.

"Yes," Lily said, deciding to have some fun. "It's a very common name, like Smith or Jones. There are a thousand of us, all Muggle, of course."

Looking like she had just swallowed one of Sirius and James's charmed Chocolate Frog, Mrs. Wrightman told Gertrude that she and Bellatrix had to discuss something or other (Lily was sure it was an excuse to get the hell out of the 'Mudblood Room'), leaving the three of them staring awkwardly at one another.

"So, this has been really fun," Lily said dryly.

"What are you doing here, Sirius?" Gertrude asked, staring at him. "You know you shouldn't—"

"I received a letter from my mother today," Sirius said.

"And then you left it open on your bed at the Potters," Gertrude added. Sirius looked questioningly at her. "James Potter has been waiting in the kitchen for over an hour for you to arrive."

"James is here?" both Sirius and Lily asked together. Gertrude nodded.

"Do you want me to go and fetch him?" Gertrude asked snidely. It was probably the first time Lily had ever heard Gertrude make an almost-joke. Lily was a little proud of Gertrude for the effort.

"That would be divine," Sirius said condescendingly. He had been in a bad mood this morning and after that _wonderful _discourse with his cousin, Sirius seemed ready to blow something up. Soon.

"This was not my choice, Sirius," Gertrude said as she turned to leave, "nor was it much of a surprise considering current trends."

Gertrude left then and Sirius turned to Lily.

"Listen, when Gertrude comes back, we're probably going to leave to talk in private—"

"What, and leave me here with James?" Lily asked, shaking her head in disbelief. "This _was _a set up."

"No, it wasn't."

"Then why did you bring me here at all? To feel intimidated by this home and these uptight people that you seem so familiar with? Was this to show me just how much I _don't _belong?"

"Lily, don't be stupid."

"I'm not being stupid," Lily snapped, "and I _am_ freaking intimidated, but you know what, Sirius? I don't like these people and I don't want them in my life. I have no desire to impress them. None. I just want to throw small objects at them."

"Yeah, I get that. That's exactly why I asked you to come," Sirius said, "to remind me that this doesn't—this doesn't have to be my beginning and end."

"Oh," Lily said, confused and annoyed. What did that mean? "No, wait, what the eff does that mean?"

"You, just standing next to me, remind me that there are amazing people like you and James in the world, people who don't care about social protocol and hereditary obligation, people who would tell Mrs. Wrightman that they're from a common family just to annoy her. I needed to know that there were different people in the world."

"And I just exude _difference_?" Lily asked.

"Gertrude told me what you did for Mrs. Crouch," Sirius said, as if that were any sort of answer.

"What?" Subject switch much?

"And she told me about the Ball and about your injuries—"

"Do you two ever discuss anything that _doesn't _involve me?" Lily asked.

"Lily, I'm so—fuck, I'm sorry."

"What? Why? Are you a Death Eater? Did you curse me?" Lily asked sarcastically, strongly reminded of Christian apologizing crazily like he was the Dark Lord himself.

"I knew about the Ball," Sirius said, glancing at the door through which Gertrude had exited and ignoring Lily's snarky comment. "I heard my parents talking about it on New Year's Eve, saying that this would be one Ministry Ball that would make headlines for very different reasons. They'd been warned not to go, and I didn't tell anyone. If I'd told someone instead of just screaming at them and running—I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Lily choked out, trying to ignore the pang of betrayal she felt by reminding herself that this was Sirius and that he would never have intentionally hurt her. "You've already made me the world's largest I'm sorry bouquet. That covers our arguments for the next twenty years."

"Lily, you and I can joke about anything. We _have_ joked about anything," Sirius said, "but this guy, this Voldemort, he's an evil son of a bitch. Evil. Not crazy. He's tearing my fucking family apart. You saw Bellatrix. I want to kill him. I'm going to."

"Kill him with kindness," Lily muttered mockingly. Sirius looked at her. "My mother used to say that to me when I was dealing with a bully: kill them with kindness, love them so much that they—"

"Lily—"

"Or you could pelt him to death with chocolate frogs—"

"Lily, I'm not joking. I'm going to—"

"Don't say it. Don't you dare finish that sentence, Sirius Black," Lily said, suddenly angry and afraid.

"I will, Lily. I'm powerful, nearly top of our year. I'll destroy him."

"Shut up, Sirius," Lily snapped. "Shut up. You're seventeen years old and little good to anyone if you're dead."

"I won't die. I'll beat him," Sirius said vehemently. Lily resisted the urge to cry just as she managed to keep herself from slapping Sirius.

"So what? Are you going to go attack some Death Eaters-- the Death Eaters that even the Aurors can't defeat? Are you going to face down a sociopath and win because you _want it _more than anyone else? No. You're not and I'm not.

"Don't you think I wanted to kill that bastard? To rip him apart? I think of the Ball and the people who were hurt, standing in a crowd of terrified men and women, their last moments full of fear and regret. I want to kill him too, Sirius."

"Then—" Sirius tried to interrupt.

"No," Lily said. "Be quiet. You're the rashest person I know. You'd duel him if you had the chance, because you never think anything through," Lily said. "So you have to promise me right now that you'll never go looking for him, never seek him out, no matter what."

"That's the stupidest thing—"

"You rush into everything, you rushed into coming here without thinking. Promise me you won't—"

"I can't promise you—"

"He killed the Prewetts, Sirius," Lily said slowly, looking up into her friend's eyes. "He killed Auror Prewett and his wife. He killed the Auror Director. The Ministry kept it quiet, but it happened. Promise me you won't go looking for trouble."

"I see you've begun an interesting conversation in my absence," Gertrude said, walking back into the room, James in tow. Lily's eyes locked on him and could not leave his face. He was so cute. Handsome. Good looking. Gorgeous. He was what she needed to focus on as she worked to push the memories of the Ball out of her mind. She needed something solid on which to focus, something good, something she could trust in as she tried to forget the anger was coursing through her veins.

James staring at her as he entering the room wasn't exactly making it an easier to breathe, but it was making it easier to forget unpleasant memories.

It didn't occur to her until much later that she had never really secured Sirius's promise.

"Lily?" James asked, staring at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Apparently offering moral support to anyone who asks," Lily said, forcing herself to use joking tones. "You?"

"Waiting to offer moral support to someone who never asks," James replied, shrugging and grinning at her. It was so easy, looking at him, to feel her anger and desperation and fear all slip away. It was so easy to look at James and feel like all of her problems could disappear. When had he begun to inspire such feelings in her?

"What a coincidence," Lily mused, tilting her head to the side and glancing at Gertrude and Sirius, who were looking at each other.

"Do they want some privacy?" Lily asked James, knowing Gertrude and Sirius could hear them.

"Yes, but do you really want to wander around this estate alone?"

"This _estate_?" Lily asked, shuddering. "No. There are probably booby traps for Muggle-borns everywhere."

"True," James said, staring at Sirius. Even in profile, by the way, Lily was attracted to him.

"Sirius, would you like to speak in private?" Gertrude asked, looking at Lily as if for approval. Lily nodded, glancing around the room for a comfortable place to sit. Deciding the couch was too far away and that nothing would bother Mrs. Wrightman more than finding Lily lying on her carpet, Lily sat down on the ground. James followed suit.

Gertrude looked at them, shocked and vaguely uncomfortable, but couldn't seem to find the words to voice her disapproval before Sirius placed a hand on her lower back and pushed her out of the room.

"You think she's going to explode thinking about us sitting on the ground?" Lily asked, taking off her shoes and running her toes through the carpet.

"Possibly," James said. "Does that thought bother you enough that you want to move?"

"Well, I don't want Gertrude to explode, but if her mother did, I wouldn't say I'd mind," Lily noted. "I don't think I've ever met anyone I disliked faster and for less apparent reasons than Mrs. Wrightman."

"Obviously you haven't met anyone from Sirius's family," James said.

"Oh, you're right! I hated Sirius's cousin Bellatrix on sight too," Lily agreed.

"When did you meet her?"

"She was here, showed us in," Lily said, tilting her head at him. "You've been here an hour and didn't notice her?"

"The estate is larger than you could imagine," James said. "Gertrude sent the house-elves to lead me to a smaller room to wait for you and Sirius to stop your chat."

"Really?" Lily asked. "That seems unnecessarily complicated and very much like Gertrude."

"Oh yes, she and Sirius would have truly been a meeting of the Titans," James said. "Their house-elves would have been very busy."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Didn't he tell you why he was here?" James asked.

"Bellatrix mentioned something about a letter from his mother that wasn't elaborated on."

"Oh."

"What?" Lily asked.

"Nothing."

"James, don't 'nothing' me," Lily said. "He dragged me here out of my sister's wedding reception. I'm sure he'll tell me eventually."

"It's not my place—"

"I could just start guessing."

"No, listen, it wasn't anything too monumental," James said, not really seeming to have heard her threat. "He got a letter from his mum this morning, telling him his arranged marriage with Gertrude's officially cancelled. He'd been expecting it for a while, but—"

"Arrange marriage?" Lily exclaimed, turning to stare at James. Good thing they were lying down already or Lily might have fallen over from shock.

"You didn't know?" James asked.

"How would I have known that?" Lily asked. "Sirius doesn't trust me enough to share something like that and Gertrude would _never _bring that up. Ever."

"I just assumed—"

"Did they ever date?"

"That isn't how arranged marriages work," James answered, looking guilty for having told her.

"Don't worry," Lily said. "I won't tell anyone I know about it."

"I know. That wasn't why I was concerned. It just wasn't my place."

"I understand," Lily said, trying to process all of this information. "Did they ever like each other?"

"No. They became friends because of the amount of time they spent together. Or at least, they became companions, but after the Sorting things sort of changed. And with New Year's—"

"It was no longer proper for them to see each other," Lily finished, remembering Gertrude's words that night so many moths before. And then she remembered Sirius's almost sad face. "If he knew it was coming, why he's so out of it?"

"Livia, his mother, had some other wonderful things to write," James said, grimacing. Lily rolled onto her back and stared at that ceiling which seemed so very, very far away. Gertrude and Sirius? The idea seemed too absurd to—but then it made a sort of sense, too, didn't it? Thinking about the two of them together, Lily started to snicker.

"What are you laughing at?" James asked.

"The first years had no idea," Lily said. "They thought _I _was the big competition, but it was really Gertrude. No wonder his mother was furious about a supposed engagement, though any mother would have been upset by a normal engagement at sixteen."

"And, trust me, Livia's no normal mother," James muttered.

"You know her well enough to address her by her Christian name?" Lily asked, smiling as she still tried to process all of this information.

"I know her well enough to call her a freaking bitch, but I'm trying to be polite around you," James said, rolling to look at the door. Lily did too, wondering where Sirius and Gertrude could have been.

"Can you imagine if they lived here together?" Lily asked suddenly. "And their children! Their children would have been insane."

"Their children would have been practical magical royalty if these two houses had united, like his cousin Narcissa who married into the Malfoy line last year."

"What's that mean?"

"Just that their children will be impressively well connected… and the spawn of evil," James said, smiling. "But the parties Gertrude and Sirius might have had... Maybe we ought to suggest that Sirius reunite with his family."

"But why did Sirius's mother write to inform him?" Lily asked. "Wouldn't it have been Mrs. Wrightman that called it off?"

"No, they both did. Livia had the crazy thought that she could arrange for Gertrude to marry her younger son Regulus and preserve the connection," James said, scoffing.

"Why's that such a crazy idea?"

"Because Gertrude would never marry beneath her."

"And Sirius is on her level but his younger brother isn't?" Lily asked, confused.

"Exactly. Sirius was the eldest son, the heir. Regulus was the spare that just happened to have to step up to the plate." The two lay there a moment more, considering that information. Lily looked over at the grand piano in the corner of the room and barely refrained from laughing. Of course the Wrightmans had a grand piano. Of course. They probably also had a crystal chess set.

That thought reminded Lily of her conversation with Gertrude about chess, the one that had evolved into a conversation about James.

"You know, Gertrude approved of us dating," Lily said, remembering. "I guess that means she thought _we _were equal enough to date."

"Maybe it's not that we're equal or not but that we both keep looking at the stars," James said.

"Everybody looks at the stars, James."

"Not like us. Not like you. We'd fly to the moon, if it were possible, and keep going until we reached every constellation you could name," James said.

Lily lay back down with a smile. "Or we'd blow up a small country with the right ingredients."

"Yes, or a large one with the wrong ingredients," he said, smiling too. "Oh the wonders of Arithmancy."

Lily rolled on her side to face James, pillowing her arm under her head. "Why are you here again?"

"The moral support thing."

"Right." Lily rolled onto her back.

"Why are you dressed like an asparagus wrap?" James asked, glancing down at her dress. Lily laughed.

"Note one: never compare a girl to an appetizer."

"Duly noted," James said. "Why do you look like an asparagus wrap?"

"This is my bride's maid dress," Lily replied. "My sister Petunia loved it and as it was her wedding and she was the one that ultimately needed to be happy, I wore anything and everything she wanted me to."

"Nice." And a few more minutes passed as the clock struck the hour with all of the ridiculous pomp that Lily would have expected from a clock in this house, swinging gold pendulums and all.

"You make Head Girl?" James asked.

"Yes," Lily said, somehow not surprised that he'd guessed. She stared up at the ceiling, wondering if she'd been right, too, in her guess. "You make Head Boy?"

"Yes," he replied in the same tone. Lily wasn't surprised. She remembered talking with Gertrude, earlier that year, about Hogwarts already having a leader, about how the younger years looked up to James and the older years loved him. Hell, everyone seemed to love him.

Yes, making James Potter Head Boy seemed right. It was her own appointment that Lily was worried about.

The students didn't love her. She didn't know _how _to make them love her either. She had some respect from the younger years who only knew of her because of the rumours that had grown around her this year: rumours regarding the Ball and F.A.D. and Sirius Black. The prefects already looked on her with scorn, annoyed with her lack of attention in the meetings. How was she supposed to convince them all that she was a good leader?

Okay, Lily needed to stop thinking about this. Needed to focus on something completely different.

"You know," Lily said, standing up and looking around the room, "this is exactly what I don't want in a home."

"What?" James asked, sitting and then standing too. "Huge, pointless rooms?"

"No, that would be fine if they were alive," Lily said, looking around. "I don't want pastel and clean and museum-esque. I want a big, comfy, ugly orange couch or something equally hideous. I want to be different."

"I don't think anyone would ever dare call you normal."

"Oh, James, you sure know your way into a girl's heart," Lily muttered.

"Mock me all you want, Asparagus Girl, but I know that under that ugly green dress is a girl just _waiting _for September 1st and all that it implies," James said.

"Oh really?" Lily asked, smirking as she turned to him. "And just what does that imply, if I may ask?"

"It implies that I'll be stalking you every single step you take, especially now that I'm Head Boy and we get to run meetings together—"

"Oh, I hadn't thought about that," Lily said happily, as she backed away from him smiling. "We can cancel meetings when we think they're pointless!"

"Or we could call pointless ones for no reason except to bother the younger years."

"This is going to be so much fun!" Lily said. "And to think I wanted to give Gertrude the job."

"You what?"

"Don't even worry about it," Lily said, waving a hand at James which he grabbed.

"You get to patrol with me again," he said with a smirk, pulling her close to him.

"I believe that means you get to patrol with _me_. Ready to lose some sickles?"

"Only if it involves tackling Filch or kissing you," James said, then winced as Lily gave him a daring look and a barely-hidden grin. "Right, so that sounded like I just called you a prostitute, but if I super promise I didn't mean it like that will you pretend that I didn't say it?"

"Sure, I could forget that, though comparing kissing me to smothering Filch's body with your own still holds its own sickening implications." He laughed and the sound of it made Lily tingle all over. How was it possible to be so happy to be able to simply _talk _to James?

She looked at him, still loving the feeling of his right hand holding her left behind her back, and said, "I received your letter."

He looked back at her, smile fading from his face. "Did you now? I wondered."

"It—um—" Lily looked at her feet and then back at him. "Thank you."

"I just wanted to let you know that I knew—"

"I understand," Lily said, smiling at him, smiling at James, smiling at the bloke she thought she had fallen for at fifteen, the bloke she fell for again at seventeen in deserted corridors.

"I'm glad," James said.

A tiny, greenish house-elf popped into the room in between Lily and James, effectively terrifying them and stopping the conversation as they jumped apart.

"Mistress says that Miss Lily is to be leaving and Mister Potter is to be seeing to Mister Black," said the elf

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, annoyed that she was being dismissed. Sirius had _brought her here!_

"I need to talk to him," James said, looking at Lily.

"Sure, but do you need to be summoned to talk to him by a house elf? He couldn't have come out and faced me himself to say I had to leave?" Lily asked. James smiled at her, leaned over the house elf, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, sending tingles through her body.

"You need to get back to your sister's wedding reception anyway," James said, leaning back. Lily couldn't keep the stupid grin off her face no matter how hard she tried. One simple kiss on the cheek and she was as mindless as a house elf.

"I suppose I do," Lily said.

"I'll see you September 1st, when we lead the school into ruin."

"Dumbledore won't know what hit him until our maniacal laughter reaches his office," Lily said, smiling. "See you then, James."

And so she turned to face the house-elf and James turned to go to Sirius, neither really wanting to leave the other, neither really wanting to go back to the real world where their real life issues took precedence, where magic happened in secret, where they had an upset best friend and a sister married to normalcy.


	21. Try Again

**Chapter 21**

**Try Again**

Returning to the reception was a disaster. Honestly.

Her sister, then her parents, and then all of them together accosted Lily upon her arrival. Her grandmother only made things worse by winking at her as her grandfather tried to calm Faith down. Lily had tried to explain, but how could she convey to her parents how important this was to her?

Lily said nothing as she sat at a table with her parents as the reception came to a close and Petunia and Vernon said goodbye to guests.

"I cannot _believe_ you ran off without telling any of us where you were," Faith said angrily, again. "How did you think we wouldn't notice?"

"It _is _a rather large reception," Lily said, trying to make the situation less awkward with humour. Apparently the exact wrong thing to do.

"You better watch your tone, Lily Marie Evans," Mark Evans said. "This is no time to try our patience."

"This is your sister's wedding reception, Lily. Couldn't you have at least tried to respect that?" Mrs. Evans asked.

"Petunia was worried sick," Mrs. Evans said.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," Lily said. "I only meant to—"

"Lily!" interrupted Mrs. Evans. "Petunia was asking everyone if they'd seen you. We were talking about calling the police."

"Couldn't you have been happy for your sister and put your own feelings aside?"

"I _was_ happy for Petunia. I _am _happy for her," Lily said. "I helped out as much as I could with this wedding, but when my friend said he needed me, I was there for him."

"Is that how I raised you to be?" Mr. Evans asked. "To put friends before family?"

"I know you spent a lot of time with your boyfriend last summer instead of us, but I didn't think you'd ever go so far as to skip your own sister's reception for some boy—"

"Sirius isn't some boy," Lily said, trying desperately to explain, to make her parents understand. "He's one of my best friends and he was really hurt about his arranged marriage being called off this morning and—"

"People don't have arranged marriages anymore, Lily," Mrs. Evans all but snapped. "You need not make up ridiculous excuses—"

"The old magical families all arrange marriages," Lily said, hurt that her mother couldn't understand this part of her life.

"So you went to his fiancé's house?" Mrs. Evans asked, obviously not believing her. Lily nodded anyway. "Where was this house then?"

"It's—well, I don't know exactly. We portkeyed over there," Lily said, frustrated. How hard did it have to be to explain all of these magical facts to her parents, to explain arranged marriages and portkeys?

"If you wanted to spend time with Sirius you could have stayed here or told us where you were going or—"

"I don't like Sirius!" Lily exclaimed. "I like James!"

"So you went to see this James?" Mr. Evans asked.

"No," Lily said, exasperated. "Well, he was there but I didn't go for James—"

"You selfish, ungrateful freak!" Petunia hissed at Lily as she walked up. All of the non-family guests had left. "You ruined my reception."

"Petunia, I'm sorry," Lily began. "I needed—"

"I turned off the music and asked if anyone had seen you. I was about to call the police when you arrived back, waltzing in like nothing was wrong," Petunia said, walking toward Lily in a definitely threatening manner. Vernon, Lily noticed, didn't say a word.

"Nothing _was _wrong," Lily said, exasperated, frustrated, near tears with lack of sleep, and desperate to make her family understand. "I'm seventeen years old—"

"And so it's okay for you to run out on my _wedding_?" Petunia asked.

"I didn't run out on your wedding," Lily said, trying to make herself feel less horrible about having run out on her sister's wedding. Why hadn't she just told them where she was going?

"You're still in school, Lily. You're a _child_. If you were normal, you'd still be in school for _years _at the uni. You aren't an adult. You can't just up and leave—"

"I'm considered an adult in _my _world!" Lily snapped, though she instantly regretted saying anything at the look on her mother's face.

"An adult who forgot that she was supposed to give a speech at my reception?" Petunia asked. Lily's heart froze. She _had _forgotten. Oh frick. How could she have forgotten? How could she have hurt her sister that much?

"Oh, Petunia, I'm so-- I am so sorry. I-- I can't believe I-- I'm so sorry—"

"Sorry fixes nothing. It doesn't matter. You don't matter," Petunia said, turning her back on her sister and marching up to Vernon. "I'm leaving on my honeymoon."

Petunia left shortly after that, angry and unresponsive. Vernon followed in her wake. Lily stared after them, wishing she could somehow bridge the gulf between her and her sister.

**-----**

After a tense car ride home and a strict talking to by her parents, Lily was sent to her room, sent to think about what she did, think about how much she hurt Petunia. It wasn't that hard to think about those things. In fact, Lily couldn't _stop_ thinking about what she'd done and how horribly she felt about it.

And so, after hours of aggravating non-sleep, obsessing over the fact that she had been an inconsiderate, bratty, selfish idiot, Lily padded down to breakfast with dark circles under her eyes and a very guilty conscience. No one was awake yet and so Lily mechanically made herself some toast and tea, and sat at the kitchen table, wanting to be hungry.

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs made her turn to see her father in his robe, looking tired. Lily looked down at the table.

"Good morning, Lily," he said, walking past her to the fridge.

"Morning," Lily said. Her father nodded at her, poured himself some tea, and sat across the table from her. They sat in an uncomfortable silence.

"Dad," Lily finally began, looking up at him. "I feel horrible about what I did yesterday."

"You need to tell Petunia that," he said.

"Dad," Lily said, surprised to find tears in her own eyes. She was tired and upset and feeling so very, very guilty. "I just don't know how to make this work anymore."

"How to make what work?" Mark Evans asked.

"These two lives I lead," Lily said, placing both hands around her mug and desperately needing the comforting warmth it exuded. "I don't know how to reconcile my life with my family and with the world my friends live in."

"I know it's difficult, but—"

"No, Dad, it's not just difficult," Lily said. "It's impossible."

"Nothing's impossible. I would have thought you'd know that by now, especially with the magic you're learning," he said.

"But that's just it," Lily said, frustrated beyond belief by her father's opinion about magic. "There _are_ impossible things. It's impossible to counter the Killing Curse or reverse the affects of prolonged Unforgivable exposure. Magic doesn't fix everything. It doesn't make people immortal or take away pain. It doesn't eliminate poverty or hunger. It just—It just makes some normal things easier."

"Where is all this coming from?"

Lily looked at her father—the man she'd trusted to always protect her, the one whose strong arms had carried her over a number of puddles, the one who insisted that he could always look out for his baby girl—and she found herself wanting to forget this whole conversation, to protect him from the truth about Voldemort and his Death Eaters, to let him continue to believe that magic was a save-all.

Telling Mark Evans the truth, Lily had decided years ago, would only worry and hurt him. For him to know how badly injured she had been during the Ball, to know that Lily faced prejudice for her Muggle-born statue would be unfair. These were problems her father could not fix, problems she would have to face without him.

"What's wrong?" her father asked, putting down his tea and staring intently at his daughter.

"Nothing," Lily said.

"Lily," her father began, but he said nothing more. There was a wall between them now and they both knew it. It was the wall that Lily had felt growing throughout the course of the year was complete.

Lily looked at her father and decided that that was crap.

"Dad, I was really hurt at the Ball," Lily said, trying to chip away at that imaginary wall. Mark Evans looked at his daughter and nodded for her continue.

So she told him everything. She told him about Polyjuice potions and patrols and Head Girl appointments. She told him about Sirius Black his friendship that saved her this year. She talked about Gertrude and the strange the challenge she had laid before Lily, asking her to prove that fighting against Voldemort was not a stupid decision. She told her dad about the Prewetts and Christian and the inquisition and the Wizard's Debt she would not accept.

"And I'm scared, Dad," she finished, looking up at her father, "to face this world alone."

"Lily," he said, putting an arm on her shoulders and pulling her against him in a hug, "you're not alone. I don't know much about magic or that world, but you have never been alone. Your family is always there for you. We always will be."

"I just didn't want you and Mum to be scared," Lily murmured.

"We're the parents. Our job is to worry. You don't have to protect us," he said.

"It's not going to become any better," Lily said, looking up at her dad. "It'll get worse before the end."

"Most things do," Mark said, "but we must always hope for an ending. A good ending."

"I know," Lily said, moving away from her father to be able to look at him more easily. "I remember you telling me that when we had to stop a bedtime story in the middle. That we must always hope for the ending we want."

"It's still true," he said.

"I told Sam that," Lily said, looking down at her now-cold tea, "but she didn't understand."

"Not all people will," he said. "Actually, most people won't, don't, or can't. But you've always been different, Lily. You've always known the difference between right and wrong and fought for right. This Gertrude girl seems to have seen that in you as well."

"She was the one whose house I went to with Sirius."

"His ex-fiancé?"

"His ex-betrothed, at least," Lily said, thinking it sounded weird to talk about her friends like that.

Lily's father looked at her for a long time. "When we were first thinking about sending you to Hogwarts, I didn't want to."

"You didn't?"

"No," he said. "I didn't know what sort of school it was. I didn't know the people who went there. I didn't know what they would be teaching. How could I protect you when I wouldn't even be able to see your school? But your mother convinced me that it was the right thing to do."

"How?"

"She asked me if I thought you would need any more protection," he said. "And I laughed in response because even then you were stubborn and even then you were telling bullies off for acting stupidly. And I knew she was right, at some level, but I knew the moment I saw you off that first year that I would no longer be able to protect you the same way as I had before then, but you've always been stronger than you thought you were, Lily."

"I'm not very strong at all," Lily said.

"You're strong enough to convince this Gertrude that she should fight for good, strong enough to lead your school and help your friend through a very difficult day in his life," Mr. Evans pointed out. "And though you are never expected to fight these battles alone, I know that you could. I know that you'll handle everything that comes your way. I'm really proud of the person you've become."

"Thanks, Dad," Lily whispered.

"However, I do expect you to keep us better informed from now on," he said, taking her hand. "You can tell your mother and me everything, you know. You don't have to keep it to yourself. None of it. Whether or not you think it'll scare us doesn't matter."

Lily blinked back tears and nodded.

"No, Lily, I need you to promise me you won't keep this all to yourself," he said. "You can't take so much onto yourself. You can't. Not while you can share it. Together we stand, separate—"

"We fall," Lily finished one of her father's favourite sayings. "I promise. I'll tell you more."

"Good," he said.

Lily took a breath, looked down at her half-eaten toast and nearly finished tea, and breathed out, relaxing enough to shed a few tears. She already felt better, just having her father know that her ribs still hurt, know that a curse still burned in her bones which she could not expel.

**-----**

Lily talked to her mother later that night and, much like Mark Evans, Faith made Lily promise to keep them better informed. Lily had agreed and her parents had been much more understanding about why she had left Petunia's reception. Her sister, after returning from her honeymoon, was no more understanding. And she was angry that her parents seemed to have changed their position.

But there was little Lily could do about that, and so Lily spent her last few weeks at home with her parents, doing whatever they wanted. It was really relaxing, calming.

But now Lily Evans lay in the prefect compartment on September first thinking about the possible reasons why Hogwarts could have decided to have a red train when the door to the compartment opened.

"Hey, Lily," Sirius said, walking into the prefect compartment.

"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed, standing up and walking over to give him a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you." Sirius smiled. She hadn't seen him since the wedding, though they had written many letters, including a long apology from him for leaving her stranded at Gertrude's.

"Were you really looking for me?" she asked, sitting down. Lily had written him back to tell him she understood, that he didn't need to explain why he'd left her there alone. He'd sent her a box of chocolate frogs that croaked, 'I'm sorry' whenever she touched them. Needless to say, she didn't eat a single one.

"Well, actually," Sirius said, sitting opposite her, "I'm looking for James and I assumed he'd probably be near you."

"Why?"

"Do you really need me to answer that?" Sirius asked, giving her an incredulous look. "Where else would he be but beside you?"

"I meant," Lily said, trying to ignore his implications, "why don't you know where he is? Shouldn't you have arrived with him?"

"Oh, no." Sirius looked out the window.

"Don't you live with him?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Sirius said, looking back at her, "but I've spent the past week with my cousin. Her husband brought me here."

"Your cousin?" Lily repeated. "Why would you willingly spend any time with that woman?"

Sirius looked upset. "What are you talking about?"

Lily, seeing the look on his face, realized she must have made a mistake and said, "I didn't mean to offend you. I don't know her or anything. She just didn't seem too nice at Gertrude's."

Realization dawned on Sirius's face. "Oh, no. Not Bellatrix. She's a nightmare. I was with my cousin Andromeda. She had her second baby a few weeks ago and I went to stay with her family."

"That's adorable."

"The kid's pretty boring. Mostly just sleeps, legs curled up. The four year old followed me around all the time," Sirius said, smiling fondly despite himself. Lily had the feeling that he really adored his second cousins. Or was it first cousins once removed?

"So your cousin brought you today?" Lily asked.

"Her husband Ted brought me, actually," Sirius said, smiling devilishly. "Wish Mother could have seen _that_."

"Why?"

"Ted's a Muggle-born," Sirius said. "Mother would have died on the spot."

"Way to make your Muggle-born friend feel special," Lily said.

"But you _are _special if you have the ability to make my mother keel over," Sirius said.

Lily looked at him. "Don't say that."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because you don't mean it. No one wants his own mother dead, no matter how horrible she is," Lily replied, grabbing her satchel and pulling it onto her lap.

"You really believe that, don't you?" Sirius asked, watching her intently. She nodded.

"It's true," Lily said.

"I suppose it might be," said Sirius, looking briefly back out the window and then shaking his head and beginning to smile as he turned and winked at Lily. "Want me to find James for you?"

"What makes you think I haven't already seen him?" Lily asked, smiling.

"The state of your clothes," Sirius said.

"Are you suggesting that they would be a bit rumpled if I had run into our esteemed Head Boy?" Lily asked innocently.

"I'm telling you that your clothes would be in shreds," Sirius replied, a knowing smirk on his face. Lily's smile grew even as she blushed. "I suppose I'll wait here, then, until he arrives and kicks me out."

"Why would he kick you out?" Lily asked.

"I can think of a reason of two," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows up and down. Lily laughed, shaking her head at him.

"Why weren't we friends since first year, Sirius?" Lily wanted to know. It felt so natural, talking to Sirius, laughing and joking with him. It was hard to imagine that they hadn't been friends forever.

"Probably because you were intimidated by me and couldn't bring yourself to talk to _the _Sirius Black," Sirius said, shrugging.

"Right, I'd forgotten," Lily said. "_The _Sirius Black, the one who destroyed the Herbology professor's plant with no qualms. Selfish bloke, that one."

"The green plant! I'd forgotten all about that," Sirius said, smiling. Lily leaned over and flicked him.

"Show a little remorse, even if it's fake. Sprout spent seven years of her life growing that thing," Lily said.

"Oh, I felt badly about that. Believe me. That's why James and I volunteered in the Green Houses for a month," Sirius said.

"And I'm sure," Lily said sarcastically, "that neither one of you had any ulterior motives for volunteering."

"Well, we did want to make miniature replicas of that plant that could change the color of an entire room like that," Sirius said, lost in memory. "It would have been so useful, but then Filch confiscated the prototype we'd spent _forever _making and we lost our enthusiasm."

"Pity, that," Lily said.

"I'm sensing some sarcasm in your comment," Sirius noted.

"Seeing as I have been on the receiving end of a number of your inventions, I have to admit that I have no problem with one or two being lost."

"James did go about this whole thing poorly, didn't he?" Sirius asked, leaning back and closing his arms over his chest.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, putting her satchel on the bench beside her.

"Only that James has liked you since he was fifteen and that he did everything possible to make you notice him. It wasn't until this year that we realized your attention wasn't what he needed. He needed to change your opinion of him," Sirius said.

"That was an astute observation."

"It was Gertrude's observation, not mine," Sirius admitted. "The night of the dinner she said you only needed a little prodding."

"Your terminology's doing nothing for my ego."

"Pity, that," Sirius intoned. Lily lay down on the bench, resting her head on her bag.

"You've talked to James since we went to Gertrude's, right?" Lily asked, looking up at the ceiling.

"Do hippos secretly want to dance with sugar plum fairies?" Sirius asked.

"I've never understood why you insisted on answering questions like that."

"I only answer really stupid, obvious questions like that," Sirius said. "And obviously I've talk to James."

"Since Gertrude's?"

"Yes."

"Oh," Lily said, trying to figure out a way to ask him about James without seeming desperate. Sirius started laughing and Lily lifted her head enough to turn and glare at him.

"Just ask me what you want to know," Sirius said.

"Fine," Lily said, putting her head back down on her hands and staring up at the ceiling. "Did he say anything about me?"

"Do hippos secretly want to dance with sugar plum fairies?"

"That's not becoming any less annoying," Lily commented.

"I know, but honestly, 'Has James said anything about me?' What sort of stupid question is that? James has talked about you for years. You think that'd stop now?"

"I could be highly freaked out by that information, you know," Lily said, smiling despite her best efforts. James talked about her. He had liked her for years.

"No, you couldn't be," Sirius said, "because I know a secret. James told me it."

"Really? What's that?" Lily asked, trying not to sound too interested.

"He said you don't really believe he's liked you all this time."

"That's not true," Lily said, sort of offended. But then she started to think about it, started wondering if she would ever really believe that James liked her. "Well, okay, it's sort of true."

"You're not honestly wondering if he likes you _now_, are you?" Sirius asked, incredulous.

"Well, I gave him the holiday so he could change his mind," Lily said, a stab of fear and potential hurt coursing through her. Sirius didn't exactly help the situation by laughing.

"Don't laugh," Lily said.

"But it's so funny," Sirius said. "You're just like him, you know."

"Thanks."

"You two are going to be so busy," Sirius said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're going to have to spend half the time you're together convincing the other one that you still want to be with them," Sirius explained. "It'll be highly amusing for me, I assure you."

"As long as you're amused, it's all worth it."

"Glad to know I'm such a high priority in your life," Sirius said. Lily wasn't looking at him, but she could see that he was still sitting on the bench across from her with his shoulders back. He didn't even know that it was his childhood etiquette lessons that kept him from wanting to lie down on the bench. Lily thought the irony was ridiculous.

"Everything all right with your sister, by the way?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Lily said, not minding the subject change. To tell the truth, the quick pace of her conversations with Sirius was something she loved about their friendship. It was never dull talking to Sirius Black.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Lily said, her good humour diminishing a little. "Petunia and I'll work this out."

"I didn't mean to make you miss giving your speech at the reception."

"I know," Lily said, "and it's my fault, not yours. I should have remembered. I should've told her where I was going. That's what my parents were most upset about. They were worried that I'd been kidnapped or hurt or something."

"And your sister's just angry because—"

"Because she thinks I tried to sabotage her wedding." Lily sighed. This was not something she wanted to talk about. At all.

"That's my fault," Sirius said.

"That's not your fault, Sirius," Lily said. "It's mine and I have to fix it. Not you. Petunia and I will figure this out. In fact, she's spoke to our mum about me a couple of times, though Mum was just as mad as Petunia for a while. Especially after I accidentally mentioned James's name in conjuncture with where I'd gone off to."

"You mentioned James?" Sirius asked. "Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Now my sister's calling both of us names, calling him a hooligan out to ruin perfectly normal people's weddings."

"So she knows him well then," Sirius said.

"She's said some of the nastiest things—" Lily couldn't even talk about it. "And right now, I'm not even so sure I'd want to speak with her, you know?"

"Yes," Sirius said. Then, after a moment of thought, he said, "Actually, no, I don't understand. I hate my family, but I still stay in touch with the better branches—"

"She called me a freak, said I was jealous of her normality, told me I was nothing like her, said I have to stay away from her," Lily said, hurt though she tried to hide it.

Sirius looked at her and said, "And my brother told me that knowing I was alive made him feel dirty by association. Everyone says stupid thing sometimes, but Petunia's still family. That matters. You'll both work this out."

Across the compartment, sitting by the door, Sirius looked almost vulnerable right then. He wanted affirmation, it seemed, that not all families had to be torn apart beyond repair.

"She said she feels like she hates me," Lily said.

"_Feels_ like, not does," Sirius said. "My father told me he wanted to kill me. If he'd said he felt like he wanted to kill me, I'd say that was a noticeable improvement."

"Sirius," Lily said, sitting up, "did your family really say those things to you? Your brother and your father?"

"Yes," Sirius said, shrugging.

"That's not normal."

"It is in my home," Sirius said. Lily looked at him, wanting to give him a hug, wanting to reach out and somehow let him know that she thought he was amazing for putting up with that without complaint, for becoming the person he was (angry and distant as he could be) despite the pressure.

"Sirius—"

"Don't," Sirius said, standing. "It's fine. Just know, Lily, that I don't actually want my mother dead. I don't want any of them dead. I feel like I hate some of them right now, but they're still family. That matters, you know?"

Actually, Lily knew exactly what Sirius meant by that. She thought of her father at that breakfast table and her mother repacking all of her trunk, again. She thought of Petunia right before she walked down the aisle at her wedding, and Lily knew exactly what he meant. Family mattered.

"I'll see you at the feast, then," Sirius said, walking to the door and stepping out just as the first batch of fifth year prefects eagerly entered.

"I'll see you then," Lily said, waving to Sirius. Then she turned her attention to the newbies and smiled. "Hello, I'm the Head Girl, Lily Evans."

Introductions went quickly and Lily soon found herself in a compartment full of prefects clumped in groups by house and further segregated by year. The Gryffindors sat on Lily's bench, the one opposite the door. The Hufflepuffs took up the benches lining the wall on the right, the Slytherins on the left, and the Ravenclaws near the door.

Lily stepped up onto the bench and clapped her hands once loudly. Everyone stopped talking and looked at her. She smiled a self-deprecating smile and waved at the group.

"Hello, everyone. I'm Lily Evans, the Head Girl," she introduced herself. People looked back at her uncertainly.

"And I'm James Potter, the Head Boy," James said, closing the compartment door, which he had opened during Lily's clapping and introduction. She smiled at him as her heart started beating about ten times faster than normal. He looked really, really good.

"I was about to give up on you," Lily said to him across the compartment. He smiled and shook his head, walking over.

"I'd never let you do something that foolish," he said. "After all, I'm Head Boy. Meetings can't start without me."

"True," Lily said, "what would we have done without the one seventh year that has never attended a prefect meeting before, let alone run one?"

"You probably would have blown up the train or something equally foolish," James said, and Lily just wanted to hug him, which she did quickly after he'd stepped up onto the bench beside her.

"We're going to start the meeting soon, but first we're going to rearranging the seating a little," Lily said, smiling. It felt so good to be standing beside James in front of this group. "I want you all to line up on the benches in alphabetical order by first name. That means the people whose names start with A will sit on my left and Zackary with probably be seated on my right and the rest of you will be alphabetical in between them."

"Any questions?" James asked. There were a few. There always were in groups like this, but soon enough the prefects were lined up appropriately. Just to check, Lily and James had them each say their first name aloud. The train had already started to move.

"So," James said, "who thinks they can name every person in this compartment?"

Lily looked around the circle. No one raised their hands. Everyone looked vaguely uncomfortable.

"I can't name everyone," Lily admitted, shrugging. The older students laughed a little.

"Neither can I," James agreed. Everyone was looking around the circle, trying to mentally go through the list before they began.

"I can," Gertrude Wrightman said. Lily looked over at her, smiling. Out of anyone, Lily had expected Gertrude to be the one who could do it.

"Show us how it's done, Gertrude," James said, nodding at her. He and Lily had stepped off the bench and were now a part of the sitting circle. Gertrude did manage to go all the way around.

"Good job," James said.

"By the end of this train ride, James and I want you to know everyone's name like Gertrude does," Lily said. "We want you to be able to identify your fellow prefects whether or not they are wearing their badges.

"These are the people you'll be working with all year. We'll be having biweekly meetings together and you'll be expected to trust one another more than normal students. They are your peers and your equals. We want you to feel comfortable asking them, and James and me, anything."

"Anyone else think they can name everyone in here?" James asked, looking around.

**-----**

After the train stopped and nearly all of the prefects had filed out of the compartment, Gertrude came up to Lily. It was just Lily and Gertrude at that point, James had stepped out at the beginning to help direct the first years. Lily smiled and gave her friend a hug. Gertrude sort of awkwardly hugged her back.

"How was your break?" Lily asked.

"Fine, thank you," Gertrude said. "Congratulations on your position."

"Thanks," Lily said, relieved to find Gertrude still talking to her. They hadn't written each other at all over the holiday. "I'm sorry it wasn't you."

"I'm not," Gertrude said. "You brought them all together today, Lily."

"I don't know about that," Lily said, shrugging.

"You'll makes us stronger."

"Us? Who's us?"

"The winning side," Gertrude said, nodding at Lily. "You'll bring this school together."

"Well, I do have a lot of spell-o-tape," Lily joked.

"It will be an interesting year," Gertrude said, walking toward the door. Lily walked beside her.

"You're telling me," Lily said. "James and I already have plans for the prefects to play musical chairs throughout meetings."

Gertrude turned to look at Lily as she opened the door to reveal James standing on the other side, at the end of a mass of people wedging through one small door.

"For my sanity, I'll assume you're joking," Gertrude said.

"Assume all you want," Lily said, "but if you want a seat, you better brush up on your scrambling skills."

Gertrude gave Lily a disbelieving look before taking three steps forward and being absorbed into the crowd of students, leaving Lily and James alone, but in plain view of many students.

"So," Lily said, trying to bridge the gulf without being awkward, "how were your holidays?"

"Horrendous," James whispered into her ear, making her smile at his proximity. "Worst couple of months of my life."

"Were you attacked by gnomes?" Lily asked innocently.

"No, but seeing you at Gertrude's and not being able to kiss you made me want to hex off my own arm," James replied as they stepped off the train. Lily blushed and couldn't keep the stupid smile on her face from growing as the beating of her heart sped up.

"Oh," was all Lily managed to say.

"Yes, 'oh,'" James said. Lily and James took a moment to squeeze through the door and then direct some lost first years over to Hagrid.

"Still stubborn then?" Lily asked him as they walked over to the horseless carriages.

"Are you joking?" James replied incredulously as they piled into a carriage along side two sixth year Hufflepuffs. "I've been stubborn for two years now. Three months wasn't about to make a difference."

"You should have told me that at the beginning of the summer."

"I thought I did," James said.

"No, I think I would have remembered something like that," Lily said.

"Are you telling me we could have forgone this whole summer apart thing?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. Lily smiled.

"No," Lily said. "I needed those three months."

"Why?"

"To realize that you're Remus," Lily said. The two sixth years looked confused.

"Let's never have you call me that again," James said, smiling too.

"Okay, sweetums," Lily said, shifting to look out at the landscape innocently.

"We really need new codenames, poppet," James said.

"I like the ones we have," Lily replied. James looked at her, still smiling.

"I thought she was dating Sirius Black," whispered one of the sixth years, not seeming to realize that James and Lily could hear everything they were saying.

"Did they break up?" the other one asked.

"Did she cheat on him with James Potter?"

"Maybe that's why he's not with Sirius right now. Maybe they hate each other now."

"That's so romantic."

"And James and Lily are so cute together," said the last of the sixth years.

James looked at Lily and almost started laughing. Instead, he whispered, "You ready for your last year?"

Lily took a deep breath, looked at him, and nodded. "You know, I think I am."

**-----**

"Lily!" Christine called out, waving to Lily over the heads of the other students as they all climbed the stairs to enter the front doors of the castle. Lily manoeuvred through the crowd and embraced her friend.

"Hey Christine," Lily said.

"Still a prefect?" Christine asked, pointing to the badge on Lily's robes.

"Actually, funny story," Lily said, self consciously looking down at her badge. How she wished she could have avoided wearing it. "I'm Head Girl."

"Are you serious?" Christine exclaimed, leaning in to look closer at the badge and looking as if she were examining Lily's breast. How terribly awkward.

"I know," Lily said. "Who'd have imagined me as Head Girl?"

"Matt," Christine said, poking the pin. Lily slapped her hand away.

"What do you mean 'Matt'?"

"He bet me a galleon you'd be Head Girl," Christine explained. "I can't believe you're Head Girl. I was so sure it would be someone else."

"Thanks for the support."

"I can't _believe _you're Head Girl," Christine repeated.

"Each time you say that, my confidence grows exponentially," Lily muttered, starting to feel really doubtful about her qualifications if her own best friend was so baffled by the idea.

"Head Girl Lily Evans? That's so _odd_," Christine said.

"You're going to dwell on this for a while aren't you?" Lily wondered.

"I can't _believe_—"

"I get it," Lily said as the pair walked into the Great Hall. "Want to know something even more odd? James Potter is Head Boy."

"What? Since when?"

"Since Dumbledore obviously hit himself with a _Confoundus_," James said, walking up to them as they neared the Gryffindor table.

"Honestly!" Christine said, shaking her head. "Lily as Head Girl and James Potter as Head Boy? That's so odd."

"She's really helped assail my fears about my appointment," Lily whispered to James.

"If it makes you feel better, Sirius bet me his soul that I was lying about being Head Boy," James replied.

"What?" Lily asked, incredulous. "What happened? You said, 'I'm Head Boy,' and Sirius's response was, 'I bet you my soul you're lying'?"

"Pretty much."

"We need new friends," Lily concluded, sitting across from Christine at the Gryffindor table.

"No joke," James agreed, surprising Lily by sitting beside her. She looked at him for a moment as he settled.

"Don't you normally sit down there?" Lily asked, pointing to the end of the table.

"I thought I'd try something new," James said. "Unless you want me to move down there."

"No, no, I was only checking," Lily said, shaking her head and smiling. "Will this be a daily thing, this new seating chart?"

"Depends how this test run goes," James said.

"Won't your friends miss you?" Lily asked, motioning to Peter and Sirius who arrived at the usual seats, spotted James down by Lily, and were now gesturing back and forth between the seats.

"They'll sit over here," James said, watching his two friends now begin a game of rock-paper-scissors. "I'm like Moses. Where I go, they follow."

Lily laughed a bit out of shock, turned to him, and said, "I can't believe you just made that comparison." He shrugged and then pointed to Sirius and Peter who were now walking over.

"You hate that I'm always right, don't you?" James asked, smirking.

"It _is_ a little irritating," Lily joked, watching Sirius slide into the seat beside Christine and Peter sit beside him.

"New seating arrangement?" Sirius asked James, who shrugged.

"He's just happy that he can now stalk Lily at close proximity," Peter stage-whispered to Sirius.

"Trust me, she's happy about it too," Sirius teased. Lily really wanted to flick him.

"Hey, secret best friend forever? Shut it," Lily said.

"I'd be nicer to me if I were you, or didn't you notice that we're obviously still dating?" Sirius asked, pointing around the table at the various younger students glancing at them.

"People need to focus on their own lives," Lily said, just loud enough for the closest onlookers to hear. They turned away. Not all the others took the hint.

"Hey Sirius, I heard Lily dumped you over the break for James," Remus said, sitting on the other side of James. It was true, they really did revolve around James, didn't they? Was that what Lily was like? Was that what she'd always been like? How annoying. What made people so devoted to James, anyway?

"Sirius and Lily didn't date," Christine told Remus. He looked at her.

"I know, I was only joking," Remus said.

"But they aren't dating," Christine replied, not accepting that someone would joke about something like that.

"He was just lying, Christine," Lily said, look over at her friend and realizing for the first time how tired she looked.

"I know, but he shouldn't lie about that," Christine said. The first years marched in right then and the Sorting soon began. Lily tuned it out. James and Sirius began talking to Remus and Peter in quieter tones, allowing Lily to lean across the table and whisper back and forth with Christine.

"You all right, Christine?" Lily asked.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"I miss Matt," Christine said half bitterly and half sadly.

"When was the last time you saw him?" Lily asked.

"Tuesday," muttered Christine.

"That was yesterday," Lily remarked.

"I know! I don't know why I miss him this much," Christine said, frustrated.

"Did he take the job at his grandfather's shop?"

"Yes," Christine said, looking sullenly at the new students standing nervously in front of the Sorting Hat. "Eyelop left him the business so Matt's going to manage the stores."

"I thought he left the stores to Mr. McGrath," Lily said, remembering Matt telling her about his grandfather's passing in last July.

"No. They thought he would, but the will said they were Matt's," Christine replied, brightening up the longer she talked about Matt.

"Isn't there an Eyelop's store in Hogsmeade?" Lily asked. Christine nodded. "So he'll be able to visit."

"Only twice a month."

"That's more than never," Lily said.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Christine said.

"All right," Lily said.

"Before we begin the feast, I have a few announcements," Dumbledore said, standing. Lily listened to the long, long list politely, trying to keep from realizing that this would be her last Welcoming Feast. This was the last time Dumbledore would recite facts about Filch's list and tell her to avoid the Forbidden Forrest. It was vaguely disconcerting.

"And finally I would like to introduce our new Head Boy and Girl," Dumbledore said, gesturing toward the Gryffindor table, "Miss Lily Evans and Mr. James Potter."

There was a collective gasp followed by a loud roar of approval from the assembly. Lily stood briefly and saw that James was not standing beside her. She reached over, took his hand, and forced him up as well. The clapping grew.

"Is there a reason you pulled me out of my seat?" James asked, waving at the crowd before Lily and he sat back down.

"They wanted to clap for you," Lily said.

"They were already clapping for you," he pointed out.

"It doesn't matter: if we're doing this," she said, "we're doing this together."

"All right," James said, nodding at her and meeting her gaze in a way that made her want to melt. A lot.

"I can't _believe _you're Head Girl," Christine said.

"Neither can I," Lily said, turning to her blonde friend, but after a few more bites of food, Lily found herself distracted.

Lily looked around the Great Hall, looked at Sirius Black laughing and pointing with a forkful of apple pie at Remus Lupin who sat shaking his head at Sirius. She looked at Peter Pettigrew clutching his stomach laughing and James smiling beside him, mirth in his eyes as he made an extravagant gesture between Remus and himself. They were talking about a giant squid.

Lily looked over and saw Severus Snape glaring at James with hatred in his eyes, isolated at the Slytherin table. She saw Gertrude Wrightman in the middle of the table, holding court over all the Slytherins, talking to the group of girls surrounding her.

Christine O'Connell sat across from Lily pushing her food around her plate, missing Matt McGrath. Samantha Caldwell was talking to Tracy McGrath over a plate of meat, and Will McGrath and Chad Caldwell were whispering to one another at the end of the table, looking suspiciously like the second-year versions of James and Sirius.

Only too soon, Dumbledore stood and dismissed the assembly, saying, "Now with our full stomachs and dazed minds, I would ask the prefects and Head students to escort the students back to their dormitories."

"I get to lead the children!" James said, rubbing his hands together. The people around him laughed.

"Actually, the Head Students normally stay in the Great Hall until the final students have filtered out and then they bring up the end of the group," Remus informed him. James looked horrified.

"That is _not _what I signed up for," James muttered, standing with his friends.

"On a positive note, I'll be with you the whole time," Lily said, standing too.

"And what a positive note that is," Sirius said.

"I'd say it's one of the _most _positive positive notes I've ever heard," Peter agreed.

"Shove it," Lily said lightly, "and start walking, people! Headmaster wants you back in your dorms!"

"Bossy, isn't she?" Remus asked.

"More than you know," Sam said, walking up with Tracy to stand beside Christine. The three girls and three blokes who weren't Head Boy or Girl began walking away, loudly discussing Lily and James.

"They think they're terribly funny," Lily noted.

"Sad, it is, that they're so delusional," James said. They stood there, side by side, watching the various groups of students head toward the doors. There was a sort of order to the mess: prefects went first, raising a hand to get the attention of the first years, then came the older years that knew they ought to go to bed early the first night, and the middle students wandered aimlessly, the second years in particular trying to prove how well they knew the castle. It was normally those second years that ran into problems as they had no way of knowing the password.

"This place drains quickly, doesn't it?" Lily said, watching the students bottleneck at four different doors, the tables now nearly clear.

"Everyone likes sleeping," James said, shrugging.

"Seriously, the speed with which these students leave is impressive," Lily said.

"You've never seen the students file out of here before?"

"No, I've always been leading them to the dorm since I was, you know, a prefect and whatnot," Lily teased. "Why? Did you think I lingered around here to hang around Matt McGrath, the Head Boy love of my life?"

"I don't think that's a funny joke," James said.

"Too bad," Lily said. "I'll be making that joke quite a bit this year."

"Should I bring up Tracy all the time then?"

"If you really want to," Lily said, shrugging and struggling to keep the smile off her face.

"Are you sure about that?" James asked, wrapping his left arm around her middle and pulling her toward him so that her right shoulder overlapped his left. Her heart leapt when she felt his lips against her cheek. The Great Hall was empty.

"You know, those McGraths really hindered our dating," Lily said, trying to keep her voice from shaking, "what with you dating one and my being in love with another."

"Still not a funny joke," James murmured, leaning in to kiss her mouth.

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans!"

James and Lily jumped apart at the sound of Professor McGonagall's voice. They spun around and found her standing in the doorway with three small students.

"Yes?" Lily asked, heart beating quickly as she tried to hide her smile at the irony. Of course the first free moment she and James had together McGonagall would show up. Of course.

"Professor McGonagall! How are you?" James asked, smiling. Now Lily smiled too.

"These first years were separated from their fellow students. Could you please escort them to their common rooms?" McGonagall asked, her voice sounding a little strange, almost like she thought something was funny. But that couldn't be right, could it? McGonagall didn't think anything was funny.

"Of course, Professor," James said, taking Lily's hand and pulling her toward the doorway and the three little students.

"Hello, first years," Lily greeted, giving them a genial wave. "What houses are you all in?"

"Hufflepuff," said the girl on the left.

"Slytherin," the second girl answered.

"Gryffindor," the third girl said.

"Aren't you lot an eclectic group?" Lily remarked.

"I trust you to lead them to their houses and then return immediately to your own houses," McGonagall said. Her tone was still strange.

"Thank you, Professor," James said, winking at the first years and telling them in a mock-whisper, "I'm her favourite student, no matter what she says."

"Mr. Potter, I don't have favourites," McGonagall said.

"See? She hides it really well," James said. The first years smiled. Lily did too, thinking of Sirius and how he was her 'secret best friend forever.'

"We'll take them to their houses," Lily said as James asked the students where they were from.

"You know the passwords?" the Transfiguration professor asked.

"Yes, they were chosen on the train," Lily said, "and James and I know the way."

"Thank you, Miss Evans. I have to deal with some students who dumped buckets of water on a group of second years." McGonagall swept away then, leaving James and Lily with three first years in the Great Hall.

"Lily, I'd like you to meet Susan, Kathleen, and Tiffany," James said, pointing to the girls in succession. Lily smiled at them all.

"I'm Lily Evans," she said.

"I thought we could drop off Kathleen, then Tiffany, then Susan," James said as the group headed out of the Great Hall. "That would take us to Gryffindor, then Slytherin, and then Ravenclaw."

Lily smirked at him. "Why don't we go Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, then Slytherin?"

James smirked too. They'd have the most time alone together that way. "That'd work just as well."

"All right, girls, we're taking a secret passage that'll speed us up a bit," Lily announced, sliding a wall aside and showing them a staircase. The girls looked at each other uncertainly before following Lily up the stairs.

"You three look awfully chummy," James said. "Are you related?"

The girls shook their heads.

"Did you know each other coming to Hogwarts?" Lily asked. They nodded.

"We went to primary school together," Kathleen said.

"Are you all Muggle-borns?" Lily asked.

"What's that?" Susan asked. Lily looked at James and he looked back at her, then explained what a Muggle-born was. Susan and Kathleen affirmed that they were indeed Muggle-borns.

"My dad was a wizard," Tiffany said. "Why?"

"No reason," Lily said. "I'm a Muggle-born too."

"You are?"

"Yep. I didn't know a thing about magic when I arrived," Lily said.

"Is it amazing?" asked Susan in an awed voice.

"You'll be doing it tomorrow," Lily said.

"Will everyone know each other except us?"

"No," James said, "and you'll make friends quickly enough. You already have two right here."

"But we're not in the same house," Kathleen said.

"Doesn't matter," Lily said, "one of my best friends is in Slytherin."

"And now that we've said houses don't matter, I have to ask you two to say bye to Kathleen here as we're at her house's secret entrance," James said as they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Well, you've ruined the secret part, now haven't you?" Lily teased quietly as the girls hugged goodbye.

"I'm sure Kathleen would've told them anyway," James said.

"Probably."

"You know they're going to drift apart," James whispered.

"Not if they don't want to. They could—"

"Meet for dinner one a week?" James suggested, smirking at Lily. She shrugged and smiled, remembering her weekly dinners with Gertrude.

"Maybe," she said. "You start over to the Ravenclaw house with the other two and I'll take Kathleen in and either find a prefect or show her to her room myself."

"All right, we'll take the fourth floor route," James said, walking over to the two sad-looking eleven year olds. "Ready to find Ravenclaw?"

The three of them headed off as Lily told Kathleen the password. The first year promptly told the Fat Lady 'Apple Crust,' and the Lady smiled and welcomed her into Gryffindor. The portrait swung open and Lily showed her the way to her dorm, which floor it was on, and how her trunk would be waiting for her.

"If you need anything, I'm in the seventh year rooms," Lily said, "or you could find a prefect—they'll be the students wearing badges—and they'll help you as much as they can. Don't trust Peeves the Poltergeist. Trust the ghosts for the most part, though."

"Thank you," Kathleen said, looking uncertain.

"You want me to walk you to your room?"

"No, thank you. I'll go alone," she said. Then she looked around at the common room that was like a home to Lily. "This is so scary. It's so different. It was all right with Susan and Tiffany, but I don't know anyone else."

"I know. You'll come to know other people and Susan and Tiffany will always be close," Lily said. "I was scared too, when I arrived."

"But the Hat said Gryffindor was wear the brave were."

"Bravery is the ability to overcome fear, not the lack of it," Lily said, quoting her father. "Besides, you'll get used to this soon. I promise."

"Well, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."

"You will. If you need help finding the Great Hall, I normally have breakfast at eight."

"All right," Kathleen said, turning and opening the door to her dorm. "Night."

"Night," Lily said, waiting until the door was shut before she headed to the portrait hole.

"Hey Lily! Where're you going?" came Sirius's voice from the couch near the fireplace.

"To light the forest on fire," Lily said, holding the portrait open with her foot as she stopped to speak with him.

"That'll be fun," Sirius said. "Is James with you?"

"Actually, yes," Lily said.

"All right," Sirius said, standing. "We'll go to bed then. We were waiting for him, but I know how long 'lighting the forest on fire' can take."

"Oh good," Lily said, rolling her eyes and leaving.

Lily did not catch up with James and the two girls until the very entrance to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Hey!" Lily said, jogging up and smiling. "Kathleen's all settled."

"Good, good," James said, nodding his head toward the common room. "You want to open this and find a Ravenclaw to lead Susan around as we head to Slytherin by the Potions stairs?"

"That'll work," Lily said.

"You can't show me around?" Susan asked Lily.

"I'm sorry. I don't know the Ravenclaw commons very well," Lily said, placing a hand on the girl's back and leading her to the statue. "But it's not a problem. I know a lot of their prefects and they're all very nice."

"All right," Susan said, though her tone did not suggest that everything was all right. In fact, her tone sounded like she thought the world was ending.

"It'll be fine," Lily said, telling her the password and having the statue move aside for them. Lily walked into the common room with Susan and looked around. Quite a few people noticed the entry of the Head Girl (who was very much so not a member of their house) and a first year.

"Kevin?" Lily asked, walking up to Kevin Creggie, her good friend and fellow prefect.

"Lily?" he asked, standing up from her game of chess. "What're you doing in here?"

"One of your prefects lost one of your first years," Lily said, looking at Susan.

"Oh bugger all," he said, looking down at Susan. "I'm so sorry about that."

"S'all right," she said.

"Well, I'm Kevin Creggie."

"I'm Susan," she said quietly.

"Nice to meet you, Susan," Kevin said. "Let me show you around a bit and then I'll find a female prefect to take you to your room, okay?"

She nodded.

"Thanks, Lily," Kevin said, looking embarrassed. "I can't believe we did this."

"Don't worry. She was with her friends from Gryffindor and Slytherin. It happens to the best of us," Lily said, shrugging. Kevin smiled, his eyes falling to Susan again.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Susan," Lily said, waving goodbye.

"Good night, Lily," Susan said, looking around the room with awe. Lily smiled and turned to leave, but just as she reached the exit, a voice stopped her.

"Lily!" exclaimed a young, male voice. Lily smiled, recognizing Will McGrath as he raced up to her, smiling his large, exuberant smile, closely followed by Chad Caldwell.

"Hello, Will, Chad," Lily greeted them. "How were your holidays?

"Great!" they said together.

"Christine came over a lot," Will said. "She's dating Matt!"

"I knew that, actually," Lily said.

"Really?" Will asked, awed. Then his face melted into a little bit of an angry countenance. "Why didn't _you_ ever visit?"

"I was a little busy," Lily only sort of lied. She didn't want to talk about feeling uncomfortable around Tracy. "My sister got married in August."

"What about June and July?" Will asked.

"Preparations and things," Lily said, "and I visited some of my family friends in Brussels."

"Why?" Will asked. Lily laughed.

"Because visiting family friends is fun," Chad answered, rolling his eyes. Will glared at his best friend. Chad ignored him and asked, "Did you see Ian?"

"Ian Tailor?" Lily asked. Chad nodded. "How do you know Ian?"

"He came to visit Sam in July," Chad said.

"Were they dating?" Lily asked. Chad shrugged. The idea of Sam and Ian dating made Lily actually very happy. He and his calm, funny, quirky manner would be great for Sam. Despite Christian's frantic accusations, Lily knew that Ian was her friend and she couldn't stand to doubt his character. It hadn't even been a conscience choice. She'd simply started trusting him again.

"He's nice," Chad said.

"Who was that first year you brought in?" Will asked.

Lily smiled. "Why? Don't you still think girls are gross?"

"They're not _all _gross," Will said. Lily smiled.

"Oh good," Lily said. "She was a first year who was lost."

"All right," Will said, obviously mentally jotting down this information.

"Well, I have to go," Lily said, "but it was nice seeing you both."

Lily gave them both quick hugs and left a moment later, Will calling after her about F.A.D. notes. She smiled as the statue moved into place behind her and jogged a little to catch up with James and Tiffany before they reached the common room. Luckily for her, that wasn't difficult: James and Tiffany were stopped on the main floor, talking with Gertrude Wrightman.

"Gertrude!" Lily said, smiling as she slowed to a walk. Gertrude nodded at Lily. "What are you doing?"

"I realized that the fifth year prefects lost a first year and I came to find her," Gertrude said. Lily inwardly cringed for those fifth year prefects. Gertrude was no doubt going to assign them some serious detentions.

"It happened in Gryffindor and Ravenclaw too, don't be too harsh on the prefects. It was utter confusion in the Great Hall," Lily noted.

"That's no excuse for no doing their one task correctly. I've already apologized to Tiffany."

"Oh good," Lily joked, "because I'm sure she was going to put in a house-transfer application because she had to be walked individually to her dorm the first day."

Gertrude looked at Lily reprovingly. Lily winked at her.

"Come on, you thought it was funny," James said, smiling. Lily smiled too, and nodded.

"Tiffany was fine. I promise," Lily said.

"Well, except for those few minutes when we were dangling her off the Astronomy tower," James said, placing a conspiratorial arm around Tiffany's little shoulders. "But you didn't mind, did you, Tiff?"

She shook her head, grinning, almost laughing.

"Though she may have minded when you nearly hit her with that Unforgivable," Lily quipped.

"Yes, that was a bit much. Sorry about that," James said to Tiffany. Now the eleven year old really did laugh, though Lily was sure she hadn't understood the reference to the Unforgivables.

"Are you quite finished?" Gertrude asked.

"We're only trying to make you understand that you had nothing to worry about," Lily said. "James and I took three first years back to their dorms and they all still have every last finger and toe they had when we began."

"Congratulations," Gertrude said, but Lily could see that her friend's mouth was quirking at the ends.

"You know," James said, "we _are _the Head students."

"I've heard as much," Gertrude said, "what with being on the train and all."

"Gertrude Wrightman, you better watch out," Lily said. "That was almost a funny comment."

"Thank you for the insight," Gertrude said.

"I'm always there for you," Lily replied, smiling. She looked at Tiffany and then back at Gertrude. "Actually, Gertrude, could I talk to you for just a moment?"

"Yes," Gertrude said, turning to Tiffany. "We'll be right back and then we'll go to the Slytherin common room."

Lily and Gertrude walked a few steps away.

"You know that her mother's a Muggle, right?" Lily asked, cutting straight to the chase.

"Why would that matter?"

"I'm not saying it should," Lily clarified, "but I worried that some of the younger students might not be too kind to her, especially after the rumours I heard last year."

"Do you know who she is?" Gertrude asked, looking Lily straight in the eye.

"Tiffany the First Year?" Lily asked, joking.

"She is Tiffany Corsi-Salviati," Gertrude said, looking over at the girl in question to see her watching James spelling her name in the air.

"I know from your tone that that is supposed to mean something to me," Lily said, loving how adorable James looked entertaining the girl, "but I'm drawing a blank here."

"She is nearly Italian royalty. She is the daughter of Count Corsi-Salviati, and her mother was a descendent of French royalty. She will not face prejudice."

"Oh, good," Lily said, sort of staggered by the rank of the little first year that was laughing as James added a flower to the end of her name.

"It was thoughtful of you to be concerned," Gertrude said, "especially for a Slytherin."

"What do you mean 'especially for a Slytherin'?"

"Nothing, I suppose, when I'm talking about you," Gertrude said, smiling a closed-mouth smile. "House distinctions still mean nothing to you, don't they?"

"Well, they do mean that you get to wear smashing green and silver scarves that I love while I'm stuck looking like one continuous colour with my gold and red one," Lily said.

"I thought so," Gertrude said, nodding at her friend. "It's good to see you, Lily."

"Good to see you, too. Wish I could have talked to you more when Sirius and I were at your house, but I sort of understood how awkward that would have been."

"Yes, it would have been."

They walked over to James and Tiffany.

"If you're ready to go, Tiffany, I'll show you back to the Slytherin dorms," Gertrude said. Tiffany looked up and James and then Lily. Both students nodded in encouragement, and then Tiffany looked at Gertrude and nodded too.

"You were wrong, you know, Lily," Gertrude said, pausing before they'd gotten too far and turning to look at Lily.

"Wrong? Me? Never," Lily said. Then she quirked her head and asked, "Wrong about what?"

"I never doubted that Tiffany was in good hands. I trust you to have taken care of her," Gertrude said. Then she nodded at both Lily and James, turned, placed a hand on Tiffany's shoulder and walked down the corridor. Lily stared after her for a moment, realizing that Gertrude was probably her best friend.

"You know," James said, "Gertrude may be the only person in the world that thinks we both ought to be the Head Boy and Girl."

Lily laughed, turned, and began to walk back to Gryffindor. James walked beside her.

"Hey, Dumbledore has faith," Lily said, nudging James lightly with her shoulder, "and I believe in you as Head Boy."

"Really?" James asked. "Is that just because you find me highly attractive or does it have to do with my actual abilities?"

"A little of both," Lily said, smiling.

James looked over at her, a goofily large grin on his face. "I don't think that'll ever get old."

"What won't?"

"You admitting that you like me."

"I said nothing about liking there, James," Lily said, smirking. "I only mentioned that I find you attractive. I find a lot of people attractive, including, among others—"

"Me," James finished, cutting her off. Lily's smile grew.

"Yes, actually," Lily said.

"Nope, that'll never get old," James said definitively. Lily rolled her eyes and turned to look down the corridor and James grabbed her hand, keeping her from walking on. And, sad as it is to admit, Lily nearly melted with happiness right then.

"Yes?" Lily asked, tilting her head to look up at James. He really was much taller than she.

"You really think I'm a good Head Boy?"

"Of course."

"When I got the badge, I couldn't think of a single reason why Dumbledore'd pick me," James admitted. Lily looked up at him.

"That's stupid," she said. "After I'd thought about it for less than a second, I knew it _had _to be you. I couldn't think of anyone else who even came close. Everyone adores you."

"Do _you _adore me?" James asked, that damnable twinkle in his eye and Lily laughed aloud, taking her hand out of his and walking backward for a bit.

"You're going to be doing that a lot, aren't you?" Lily asked, turning to walk forward. James jogged up to pace with her.

"Doing what?"

"That making-Lily-state-how-she-feels thing. You'll be doing that a lot, won't you?"

"Well, that's up to you," James said. "You could forego the whole process by just telling me all the time how adorable you think I am."

"Actually," Lily said, turning to face him and walk sideways for a moment before walking forward again, "I feel like _you_ ought to follow _me_ around all the time with kind words. Some suggestions are: Wow, Lily, you look _phenomenal _today; Lily, you're brilliant; Lily, I think you're better than anything in the whole world. You know, things like that."

"Lily, you look phenomenal today," James said, stopping walking. She stopped too at his serious tone. "Lily, you're brilliant. I think you're better than anything in whole world."

Lily laughed at the ridiculous compliments and tried to keep walking, breaking eye contact. "Exactly. Now you just have to say that another ten thousand times."

James did not keep moving. Instead, he grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him, wrapping his arms around her waist, forcing her to look up at him.

"Lily, I think you always look phenomenal. I think you're always brilliant and I think you're better than anything. Anywhere."

"James, stop," Lily said, looking down at his chest and trying not to feel so wonderfully comfortable in his arms. It was a hot night and she was sweaty and gross from the train ride. Her arms were awkwardly hanging between them.

"I didn't even have to think about who the Head Girl would be. I knew it would be you," James said, and now Lily really was uncomfortable. She kept staring at his chest, at that Head Boy badge. Why was he saying these things?

"James, the only reason I have this position is because Dumbledore probably felt badly about the whole Ball thing," Lily said. James laughed loudly and Lily looked up at him questioningly, but if she'd expected him to tell her anything, she was mistaken. Instead, he leaned down and kissed her, pulled her as close as he could be and kissed her.

And it felt amazing.

Standing there in that darkened hall, his lips so wonderfully placed on hers, Lily forgot everything she had been thinking about, every awkward moment that had lead up to that perfect moment, every feeling of malcontent with her sweaty, gross state. She was happy, comfortable, safe, and just where she belonged.

When James pulled back and Lily's eye opened to see him breathing deeply, so close to her. She smiled up at him.

"That was fun," Lily said. "Any particular reason for it?"

"I'm just really happy to know you," James said, smiling, pecking her on the cheek, taking her hand, and walking toward Gryffindor commons again.

"Oh good, I'm glad to be me right now," Lily said. "So it's good for both of us, then."

James smiled, looked down at Lily, and said, "I don't know if I ever told you this, but I'm sorry about last year."

"In general, or was there something specific?"

"Well, the whole Polyjuice Potion thing was what I was talking about, but I suppose I'm sorry for the whole year," James said.

Lily looked down and noticed the way their legs were moving at the same time. It sounded like there was only one set of footsteps. "I'm sorry too."

"In general?"

"Yep," Lily said. "For fifth year forward. Actually, probably before that too, but fifth year seems like a good place to start apologizing."

"Thanks," James said, nodding at her. Lily shrugged.

"As a side note, I'm really against public displays of affection."

"All right, as a side note, you're Head Girl because everyone in this school respects you," James said. Lily laughed aloud.

"Right," Lily said. "McGonagall does little more than glare at me in class. The woman loathes me. The younger students don't even know who I am. Mainly I'm just the prefect that yelled at James Potter a lot."

"I know you believe that," James said, "because, well, you're blind, but you're wrong. You may not be one of McGonagall's favourite students—ie. Sirius and me—but she respects the hell out of you. Everyone does. Younger students ask your help with scheduling, older students ask your opinion on projects—"

"Only once," Lily interrupted, "did either of those things happen."

"Lily, you've been Head Girl for seven years, you only got the badge this year as a formality."

"Right," Lily scoffed.

"I am right," James said, smiling a confident smile, "but you don't believe me and you won't."

"No, I won't."

"That's all right," James said. "Not a problem. I didn't expect you to believe me, Miss Thinks-She's-Stupid."

"That's the codename I wanted! How did you know?" Lily asked, mock-excited.

"I'm a genius." He shrugged.

"Good to know."

They had reached the Fat Lady and outside it, sitting and laughing as they leaned against the wall, were Remus, Sirius, and Peter with a large champagne bottle and five champagne flutes.

"Hey there, Sirius," Lily said, letting go of James's hand and crouching in front of her friend. Sirius smiled at her.

"Hey there, Lily," he said, winking. "Have fun with Sputnik?"

"I did, actually," Lily said. "Quite surprising, isn't it?"

"I thought he was a snivelling toerag," Sirius said, looking questioningly at Lily as he grinned. Lily flicked him.

"Thanks for that reminder, Sirius," James said.

"Cheers for James!" Peter exclaimed, lifting his glass and clinking it with Sirius's and Remus's.

"Why are you in the corridor drinking?"

"To celebrate Lily and James, the two year disaster that is finally over," Peter said, reciting a title they seemed to have rehearsed. Lily laughed.

"Where are our glasses, then?" James asked, sitting beside his friends.

"Right here, mate," Remus said, putting them on the ground and filling them with champagne.

"You know, I could take this all as a very creepy thing," Lily said, relaxing in her position to sit comfortably on the ground.

"No, you couldn't," Sirius said. "I'm here."

Lily looked at James, who shrugged and lifted his glass in salute. She shrugged too, clinked glasses with them all and put it down. She hated champagne.

"Did we interrupt anything?" Sirius asked. "Your goodnight kiss, perhaps?"

"Don't worry about it, Sirius," Lily said, looking at her watch. "We've still got time."

Sitting there in the middle of the dark corridor in front of the grumpy Fat Lady, Lily had commented about time without thinking. And though Lily and James were still only just experiencing the awkward beginnings of their relationship and although they would have to go through many more months before they were truly comfortable with one another, this was a sentiment many expressed, seeing them together: they had time. When they went on their first date to Hogsmeade and people stayed with them throughout the date, Lily shrugged and said it was fine, that there would be time later for her and James to be alone together. When Lily brought James home to meet her parents that June and Lily said she thought she might be falling in love, her mother had cautioned her that she still had time for serious love. She was just eighteen.

But sitting there on the ground, laughing with her secret best friend forever on her right and Sputnik on her left, Lily could not help but think that she did not need more time.

**Author's Note**:

Hi everyone, I just wanted to write a real quick note and say thank you for coming over and checking out the story. I put the story up over here at the urging of a good friend of mine, but this will not be the first place I update. My primary home is That is where I will update first and then I'll post over here.

I hope you all enjoy this story. I know that I've loved writing it. There are only two more chapters: the last one and then the epilogue. I'm so excited and a little sad about this whole thing. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me them at my livejournal: Don't forget the five! It's important.

I know that Lily's age fluctuates and that the chapters don't match up. That's because there are some chapters in the original version (that you can find at schnoogle) which I decided to leave out just to see how it changed the story. I think it makes the story more about Lily and James and less about Lily's growing up, which I didn't want to happen. So I think I'll be adding those chapters over here as well. I don't know yet.

I hope you all review, but I understand if you don't. I just want you to enjoy the story.


	22. Epilogue the way they came to be

**Epilogue**

**The Way They Came to Be**

_There is an antiquity to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is a place where students play the two thousand year old sport of Quidditch, enjoy games of chess, wear traditional black robes with pointed hats, study Potions in a dungeon and Divination in a tower. There are secret passages and merpeople and house-elves._

_But Hogwarts never claimed to offer perfection. The school only ever offered one thing, a piece of advice that was simultaneously a warning and a threat_: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus-- _never tickle the sleeping dragon. _

With eyes as green as scales and hair as red as fire, everyone should have known to leave Lily Evans alone. She was not someone to trifle with, not someone to threaten, never someone to underestimate.

**-----**

A thousand thoughts raced across Lily's mind as that green light came for her that Halloween night. She knew it was the end and she was terrified -- terrified of dying, terrified of leaving Harry to die, terrified of the threat that Voldemort still posed -- but more than that she was angry that she was to become yet another nameless, faceless dead Mudblood in the eyes of Voldemort.

In those few moments of time as the curse came toward her, if she had been able to, she would have told James that eight years with him was far too few. She would have apologized for being such a fool and not saying yes in fifth year. She would have told Sirius not to be an idiot, told him that chasing after and trying to kill Peter would accomplish nothing. She would have held Harry in her arms even as he struggled to get down and practice the walking he'd finally mastered. She would have told Petunia she understood the reason why she did not accept being their Secret Keeper, said that protecting Dudley was reason enough to say no. She would have done a hundred thousand things in that moment, if she'd had the choice.

But she had no choice. And so, in that moment, she did what she could: she died for her son.

With her lifeless eyes closed and her face contorted in anger, Voldemort stepped over her body to the oddly silent baby on the other side of the room. He did not understand that Mudblood or why she had willingly died in front of her son. Voldemort had thought she was stronger than that. All of the reports claimed that she was. No matter. She was dead. He raised his wand at the green-eyed baby who was struggling to stand and toddle over to his mother.

"Muma?" the baby said, reaching his her.

"_Avada_," began Voldemort as the child grinned as he grabbed a piece of his mother's hair, the hair she always before pulled out of his grasp. "_Kedavra_."

As soon as the green light escaped his wand, Voldemort knew there was something wrong. It was growing. Growing and coming closer.

In that last moment, if he'd had a choice, Voldemort would have picked up that child and thrown him into a wall. He would have beaten the woman's body beyond recognition. He would have slit Pettigrew's throat and cursed his _loyal _Death Eaters for failing to kill these Potters, for forcing him to do the job himself. But he had no choice.

And so, in that moment, he did the only thing Lily Potter would let him do: he vanished.

As the house crumbled away from the force of the spell, Harry Potter sat playing with his mother's hair. That is, until the first wall crumbled. Then the loud noise scared him and he cried. But his mother's arms did not wrap around him. His father did not come to him with a bottle. Instead, this child of one year and three months cried, alone, for the first (though not nearly the last) time.

Would Lily Potter have been proud of the sacrifice she made? It's impossible to tell, but I suspect the answer would be no. She would be grateful beyond measure that Harry survived, but she would have felt angry that Voldemort had not been destroyed, that he only vanished. She would have been angry that her son still had to grow up and face an enemy at eleven years old that she should have been there to protect him from.

And she would have been heartbroken to see his cry go uncomforted for thirteen years, until he found Sirius Black as she had found had found Sirius: in completely random circumstances. She would have liked to see Mrs. Weasley take her son in and care for him and hug him, but still felt that she should have been there. And of Petunia? Lily would have wept bitter tears for the relationship she should have salvaged.

Like her son, Lily would not have seen the thirteen years of peace that came from her death. She would only see the suffering it caused, suffering she thought she could have stopped.

But this is neither here nor there, for Lily Potter died the night of 31 October 1981. She died too young, too beautiful, too promising, too loving, and too everything she never thought she was.

**-----**

_But you knew the moment this story began how it was destined to end, how every story from this era ended: with a bite from a werewolf; a fall behind a veil; betrayal of a brother; a heroic last stand with a straight back; Unforgivable attacks after they thoughts they were safe; a room in St. Mungo's with too many gum wrappers to count; or death, accepted, to save a son. Yet you crossed time, went through a concrete post, onto a legendary train, and waited out the ride in a small, old-fashioned compartment. You rode a horseless carriage up to a castle that appeared to most to be nothing more than rubble. And you found Hogwarts._

_Not the Hogwarts of Harry Potter, which seems suspiciously lacking in laughter, but rather you found the Hogwarts of Lily Evans. No, it was never the Hogwarts of James Potter. Not even the Hogwarts of the Marauders. It was hers, and she ruled the hearts of students and staff with an easy, self-deprecating smile and an honest aversion to compliments. She laughed when jokes were funny; thought every mistake was forgivable, recognizable, and easily forgotten; started a Friendship Appreciation Day in her sixth year and when she was fifteen she fell in love with a boy that earned her love at seventeen. _

_You came not to watch the ending you knew, but to see the beginning unfold._

**-----**

"I need you to move," Lily said, walking into Petunia's door, into her life and her home and her happily ever after. Petunia stiffened and straightened. She had thought her peculiar sister was out of her life for good.

"Excuse me?" Petunia asked, scornfully noting the mud her sister dragged all over her clean carpet.

"I need you to move," Lily repeated. "You need to run away and never mention my name again. Tell Vernon anything you want. Tell him your hatred grew out of control, that you don't want my name ever spoken again. Just don't let anyone know about your sister Lily."

"Calm down."

"No. Don't let your neighbours even suspect that you have a sister. Don't mention the name Potter. Or magic. Don't mention magic ever."

"Lily, explain yourself or leave."

"I talked to a powerful wizard," Lily continued, not truly explaining. "He'll contact you, give you information. He'll probably even set up a home and a job for Vernon."

"Why would I want to move?"

"I know you, Petunia," Lily said, taking her hands in hers. "You've read the _Prophet_. You know what's happening in my world."

"So it's _your_ world now," snapped Petunia, not daring to admit that she read that paper.

Lily shook her head. "I didn't want it to be. I thought I could be in both worlds, but I can't. Not any more. I have to choose. And I have to keep you safe."

"What do you mean keep me safe?" Petunia asked, stepping away from her sister with her hand over her pregnant belly.

"I mean keep you as far away from magic as possible," Lily replied. "Take down my pictures. Don't talk about me. Don't tell anyone, no matter who they are, that you know anything about wizards or Muggles or Voldemort."

"Why?" Petunia asked, not bothering to mention that she had already taken down her freakish sister's pictures. "What's happened?"

What hadn't happened? Tracy left the country to avoid the war. Sam invited suspected Death Eaters to her arranged marriage wedding and so Christine quit speaking to her. Christine and Matt married and she was pregnant now too, but they were in hiding after the attack on the McGrath home a few blocks from where Lily's parents used to live. Sirius was in the hospital in danger of losing his arm after that strike three nights before. Remus had been captured and found the day after the Full Moon beside his dead fiancé with no memory of what happened. Peter had developed a nervous twitch after his flat was attacked. And James and she were told there was a betrayer among their friends. A Judas. And they had no way of knowing who it could be.

"He's begun killing families," Lily said, deciding to be short.

Lily's words hung between them, death, like the unborn children they each carried but did not mention.

"Families?" Petunia repeated.

"Muggle relations of wizards and witches," Lily said, her eyes locked on her sister.

"Me?"

"And Vernon," Lily said. "He would torture you for your connection to me."

"Then why do you have to be a witch?" spat Petunia, anger making her say the things she never wished to say, making her push away a world she did not understand, although it was her sole connection to her sister.

"I can't help it."

"You can," Petunia replied, standing. "If I should run, then you should run too. Come back to the normal world."

"I can't," Lily said, not even bothering to tell her sister how irritated she was by the use of the word 'normal.'

"Why not?" Petunia demanded.

But Lily could not answer that question with words. Yes, she remembered the countless dead and tortured, the fear that ate away at her every day and led her to her sister's house. And yes, it would seem easy to run and pretend that this war never happened, live with her sister in a quaint part of a town that knew nothing of true evil, hurt, or pain. It would be easy to run from the Unforgivables and find herself raising a child with James and without danger. Or, at least, it would have been easy for anyone else. But for Lily, it would never be possible.

"They need me," Lily said.

"They don't," Petunia returned. "Do they think that you are going to destroy all of those-- those _Death Eaters_? You can't. You're just one woman. Let those people handle their own problems."

"I am one of those people."

"Don't be," Petunia said through a sob. "Please don't be."

"I already am. I may not be a hero, but I am one more brick in a wall holding back destruction, and they need every brick they can get."

"If you die, I will not mourn you," Petunia spat, though tears ran down her face. "I won't care. I promise you. You have a choice and you are choosing death."

"Maybe," Lily admitted, hurt and angered and feeling empty after her sister's words, "but for you, I would choose life."

"How am I supposed to survive if you can't?" And a sob broke her final world.

"Run," Lily repeated, her own tears nipping at the side of her eyes as a dull, throbbing pain began in her left temple. "Do as the letter instructs. Move where he tells you. Take down my pictures. Make no mention of me."

"My son will never know you," Petunia said. "I will never speak of you again. Not ever."

"But my son may know you," Lily returned.

"Not if you die."

"Especially if I die. I asked that you be the one to raise him if Sirius can't—"

"No. No. I won't."

"You won't?"

"If I choose to run, I won't take in a child that would put my family back in danger."

"Petunia," Lily said, her voice raw with emotion as her aching throat barely let the words pass through, "I trust no one else to do it."

"Because they may join _him_?"

"Because they may be dead then too."

Petunia staggered backward, shaking her head. "If I were to take in your child, I wouldn't let him be magical. I'd keep him from that world."

"If this were to happen," Lily said, "it would mean his godfather had died along with James and me. Promise me you would answer his questions."

"You're acting as if your death is inevitable."

"Promise me."

"How do you even know that he'd survive? If you were dead, wouldn't he be dead too?"

"Promise me!" bellowed Lily, refusing to have heard that question come out of her sister's mouth, refusing to listen to the truth of it.

"I promise. If this happens, I'll answer any questions he might ask."

"Thank you."

"I'll leave as soon as the letter arrives," Petunia replied, averting her eyes.

"You will?"

"I'll bring no pictures of you. I'll not mention my maiden name or the name of your husband. As far as I'm concerned, when you leave this place, you'll be dead to me." The words hurt them both. They were an admission of the end: the end of Lily and Petunia, the end of the magical world in Petunia's life, the end of Petunia in Lily's life. The end.

"And my son?" Lily asked.

"I'd take the boy in. But make no mistake, I would let no one know he was a wizard. I'd keep him from that death trap. He'd know nothing of magic. Ever. He'd be normal, like Vernon and me, unlike you."

And Lily heard what her sister refused to say: Petunia cared about Lily. She cared enough to move, to lie, to hide, and to pretend. She cared enough to want to save Lily's son.

What Lily did not know was that after Albus Dumbledore moved the Dursleys to a safe, warded neighbourhood and Vernon into a secure, steady job, Petunia wrote a scornful letter, asking for information about her sister, and Dumbledore responded. He told her they were going into hiding, told her that they wanted her to be their Secret Keeper, told her they understood why she said no. He told her that why they were targeted and asked that she stop writing. And she agreed.

And so, when Petunia opened her door on the first of November 1981 and found little Harry Potter clutching a letter in Dumbledore's writing, she knew what it must mean and she screamed out her horror. But when she read the letter, knowing that her house would keep this child alive, she scornfully agreed to protect him the way her sister refused to.

He was famous in his world, so Petunia made quite sure no pictures of him were ever published in the local newspaper, never mounted on her wall. She entered him in no contests and refused to let the schools give him awards. She kept the boy in a cupboard under the stairs and did not mention his name to anyone, lest they recognize it and try to bring the boy back into that death-filled world and put her own family in danger again. She called him boy at all times, in the house and out, to ensure that no one knew his name.

If a wizard happened into her house, he would never know that another boy even lived there, let alone suspect that Petunia was Lily Potter's sister, Lily Evans, who was as unDursleyish as it was possible to be. She tried to beat, yell, and terrorize the boy's dangerous freakishness out of him.

But in the end, the boy was just as stupid and stubborn as her sister. He refused her help, even tried to run away right after his godfather escaped that _prison_. She knew the moment she saw the news who he was, that Sirius Black. She remembered him from her wedding and from Dumbledore's letter. She knew he would come for the boy.

When they moved to Privet Drive, Dumbledore assured her that no one of ill intent could come near her home. He said no one even knew where she lived, but Petunia knew her foolish brother-in-law would have told his best friend. And she peered out her window almost constantly that summer, fear giving her worry lines. She feared for her life, for Dudley's, for Vernon's.

Petunia had told her sister that she would cut all ties to her if it meant saving Dudley, but the boy remained, because Petunia had made a very simple promise.

It is a funny thing, a sister's love. It is a given -- though sometimes unwillingly -- and a burden. It protects nephews and endangers sons. It tore at Petunia's heart for a decade before the boy left, and then it was the reason she asked him into her home over the summer holidays. But it ensured no love for the boy, the boy she bought no gifts for and made sure not to encourage, for fear of supporting his freakish ways, the boy who was the reason for her sister's death and her family's danger. Still, the lingering memory of a promise to Lily kept him in her home as she tried to make him stop asking the questions she was magically bound to answer (if not necessarily in a truthful manner).

**-----**

You came to discover the answer to questions you could not voice: Who was Lily Evans? Why did she sacrifice herself? What made her different? What made her special? Who were the Marauders? What made their year so amazing? So different? So powerful?

**-----**

On April 1st, 1976 Lily Evans and James Potter both agreed that they had pulled a coup: they married. Lily chose the date, knowing that Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin would undoubtedly have set off fireworks in the middle of a ceremony if precautions weren't taken. Needless to say, there was a lot of Marauder grumbling about the date, April Fool's Day, the one day, as eleven years olds, on which they had pledged to never prank.

It was a strange wedding, nonetheless, filled with happy faces that never got the chance to see the bruise that Lily's dress hid-- the bruise that a Death Eater had given her two weeks before as she and James had, through sheer, ridiculous luck, managed to escape an attack.

It was also an amazing wedding: friends and family came; the ceremony was beautiful; their mothers cried; a picture was taken with the entire wedding party laughing; everyone went to the reception; Sirius gave a speech crediting himself with forcing Lily and James together; and too much cake was eaten. But mostly, it was amazing for Lily because it was the beginning of her life with James, and dancing in his arms at their reception, Lily doubted she could ever be happier.

"Can the best man cut in?" Sirius asked, tapping James on the shoulder. James and Lily stopped dancing, but James didn't unwrap his arms from around her.

"I don't know about that," James said. Lily smiled. "I wouldn't want her to go back to her old boyfriend tonight of all nights."

"Sputnik thinks he's funny," Sirius said to Lily, rolling his eyes. She offered a hand to Sirius.

"I blame you, Sirius, always laughing at his jokes in school," Lily said, kissing James quickly and stepping away from her smiling husband and into Sirius's arms.

"So you're choosing Sirius after all," James said, shaking his head with mock-sadness.

"He's a better dancer," Lily said, shrugging. Neither could keep the grins off their faces through this teasing. They were married. Married. It was amazing. Fabulous. Perfect.

"James, can I steal a dance?" Tracy asked, coming up from behind the group. James threw his arm around her shoulders.

"Someone likes me," James bragged.

"Too bad it's not the woman you just married," Sirius said, placing a hand on Lily's back and leading her away from the center of the dance floor.

"Hey, I like him well enough," Lily told Sirius as she placed her right hand on his shoulder and clasped her right hand in his as they began to dance around the floor. "He's the reason I have my cat."

"Then he is good for something, isn't he?" Sirius asked. The pair spun in circles and, despite anything he might say or do to pretend to the contrary, Sirius Black was an excellent dancer.

"That was a wonderful speech you gave," Lily said.

"Are you being sarcastic or honest?"

"Half and half."

"Good."

Lily looked up at one of her closest friends. "You dance with McGonagall yet?"

"She's here?" Sirius asked, his eyes lighting up and his already large smile growing.

"Yes, I think she's in the far corner at that moment, chatting with Sam," Lily said. Sirius twirled her out. She spun back into his arm and asked, "How's Claire doing? Isn't your two-month anniversary coming up soon?"

Sirius nodded. "Yes. She's fine. She really likes your father. They've been chatting about something Muggle all night."

"If you break up my parents at my wedding, our friendship may hurt a little," Lily joked.

"Then I _can't _take your mum home with me?" Sirius teased, smirking.

"Ew," Lily said. "Ew. Ew. Ew."

Sirius smiled and looked self-congratulatory as he maneuvered them past two other dancing couples into the middle of the dance floor. Lily saw a friend sitting at one of the tables, drinking champagne with that ever-present perfect posture.

"I was happy to see that Gertrude made it. I didn't think she'd come," Lily admitted. "It's pretty public."

"She works with you," Sirius reasoned.

"True." There was a prolonged silence.

"I'm so happy for James," Sirius said.

"Not for me?" Lily asked, her smile still in place. It hadn't left her face all day, in fact. Apparently, weddings were similar to powerful Cheering Charms.

"For you too, but mostly for James. He landed the best of the lot," Sirius said, looking down fondly at Lily, a smile of approval on his face. "You're a bit on the scrawny side and you're definitely mouthy, but overall, you're a fun person. Yes, I definitely approve of you for James. I just feel sorry for you as you're stuck with that clod James."

Lily laughed, knowing the devotion and love Sirius held for James, knowing that Sirius thought no one better than James. They were more than best friends; they were brothers. For Sirius—who was and always had been so guarded—to approve of Lily for James, even slightly, meant the world to her. It meant he trusted her, at least to a degree, at least with his best friend's heart.

She and Sirius could laugh about anything. They _did _laugh about anything, but more than that, Lily found comfort in her bear-like friend. He calmed her down, even though he was never calm. Talking to him was the most relaxing experience in the world. Sitting by him made her day. He was her best friend, really.

"Thanks for coming to the hospital, by the way," Lily said, looking up at him and talking about the aftermath of the attack two weeks before when James had been sequestered and she had needed a friend desperately.

"Of course," Sirius said. "You don't have to thank me for that."

"I don't know if I could've made it through that night without you," Lily said.

"You could've," Sirius said, looking over her head. "You've always been the strong one."

"No," Lily said, shaking her head and staring at his shoulder. "Sitting there, healed but not allowed to go in and see James—I wouldn't have be able to sit there without you. I'd have gone crazy. If anything had happened to him—"

"It didn't. It won't," Sirius said, giving her a sharp look. Lily nodded.

"I'd die without him."

"On our list of things not to talk about, that's pretty much number one," Sirius said. Lily looked up at him. "It's your wedding. Be happy."

"I am happy," Lily said, smiling as she saw James dip Tracy into her grandmother. "He's my life."

"Lily," Sirius said, "if anything happened to James—and it won't—then you have to make sure that nothing happens to you."

Lily looked up at him, confused. "What?"

"You and James are like a unit," Sirius said. "But I couldn't deal with losing both of you. He's my brother, and you're like my sister."

"_And _I'm your secret best friend forever," Lily pointed out, trying to lighten the mood as she felt close to tears with the amount of information Sirius was sharing with her, the amount of himself he was sharing.

"Forever," Sirius said, smiling down at her in that approving way again.

"I hope you come over and visit us as much as you can," Lily said.

"You'll regret saying that within the month," Remus said, walking up to the pair of them.

"More like the week," Peter amended, standing beside him. They really did travel in a pack, didn't they?

"I'm sure you'll abuse the privilege, but it'd be nice to see you lot as often as you like," Lily said. "I'm not saying I'll cook for you or anything, but you lot can stay until I kick you out."

"It's an invitation for all of us," Peter said, wiping a fake tear from his eye as he looked at Remus. "Isn't that adorable?"

"Are you harassing my fiancé—oh, wait, right. My wife. Wow. That's odd to say," James said, placing a hand on both Peter's and Remus's shoulder.

"Good odd or bad odd?" Sirius asked. Lily flicked him. Stupid question.

"I haven't decided yet," James said. Lily flicked him then, too. Stupid answer.

"Quite the charmer, isn't he?" Lily asked.

"I don't have to charm you any more," James replied, smirking as he reached out to grab the hand that flicked him. "You already married me. It's all down hill from here."

"Yep," said Sirius, Peter, and Remus together, nodding. Lily laughed and told them to go eat a piece of cake. James told them to bugger off, and soon she was back where she belonged, where she had been since she was seventeen: with James Potter.

**-----**

You wanted to learn more about the generation "before": before the war, before the breaking of brothers, before the Order, before the remarkable sacrifice. You could not believe that Lily and James were ever simply children, called to learn at Hogwarts by an owl-delivered letter at eleven like everyone else. You could not believe that they were actually quite normal: they were eleven and scared, twelve and growing, thirteen and nervous, fourteen and awkward, fifteen and cocky, sixteen and learning, seventeen and too old. Well, they were normal but for their exceptional ability to laugh until they hurt, and then laugh because they hurt.

**-----**

James's house never failed to impress Lily. Ever. She would walk into those grand doors and stare around and wonder how many of these priceless pieces of art James had managed to destroy as a boy. But at the moment she wasn't looking at the frescos or vases. Instead, she was staring at a ball of fur circling her left ankle. When she asked what it was doing, James promptly replied that it was her cat.

"What do you mean 'my cat'?" Lily asked.

"It's yours," James replied, leaning down, picking it up, and holding it out for Lily to take.

"Did you buy it for me?" Lily asked, looking shrewdly at the thing without reaching out to take it.

"No," James replied, stepping closer and placing the cat against her. "They just come."

"From nowhere?" Lily asked, instinctively raising her arms to prevent the car from falling in case James was a prat and let go of it.

"From _some_where." The cat was in her arms now, and despite herself Lily thought the little devil-thing was adorable. Frick. She _hated _cats.

"From where?" Lily asked again.

"Just—"

"Lily has a cat?" Sirius interrupted, coming back from the kitchen with a roll.

"No. Lily doesn't have a cat. The cat appeared out of nowhere," Lily protested, lifting the thing up to her eye-level and nearly shrieking when it began struggling to get closer and scratch her nose.

"So you're getting married, then?" Sirius asked, shoving the rest of his roll into his mouth and taking the cat out of Lily's outstretched arms, holding it in the crook of his arm.

"What?" Lily asked.

"You idiot," James muttered, glaring at his friend. The cat seemed to adore Sirius, but Lily was thinking more of what that big, fool of friend had just said.

"Haven't you asked her yet?" Sirius asked, petting the thing.

"No," James replied, looking ready to curse Sirius.

"You were—you're going to—" Lily stopped trying to speak, took a deep breath, and walked over to one of the many chairs at the dining table, sitting down on it and putting her head between her knees.

"Lily?" James's voice was entirely too close. Entirely. Lily opened one eye and raised her head a fraction off her knees to see him kneeling beside her, looking concerned. She closed her eyes again.

"I feel vaguely ill," she muttered.

"Well, that's not exactly how I pictured this going," James said.

"Pictured what going?" Lily asked, sitting up and staring at him. Yes, playing dumb would work for the moment.

"This whole proposing thing," James said, pulling a jewelry box out of his pocket, only to put it back in a moment later. "I was going to— But—"

"But? But what?" Lily insisted, agitated. James looked slightly amused.

"Don't worry, I won't ask you if the idea make you feel vaguely ill."

"Wait. Why not?" said Lily.

"Why not what?" James looked so confused. Fool.

"Well, you were—you were going to ask me to marry you, weren't you?" Lily asked, swallowing her nervousness.

"I was, but if you don't want to—"

"Of course I want you to ask me," Lily cut him off. "Of course I do. I love you. I'm in love with you. Don't retract your proposal just because I feel a little ill and you botched the asking and Sirius botched the surprise."

"So you want me to ask you?" James asked.

"I already have the cat, don't I? Why not have the ring?" Lily asked, smiling at her own weak attempt at humor and feeling a little less nervous, a little more like jumping up and down shrieking with joy. James was asking her to marry him!

"Exactly!" Sirius said across the room.

"Really not the time, Sirius," James and Lily called out together. But then James turned back to Lily, his eyes so intense that she blushed just to meet them, and their joking ended.

"So then you will?" he asked, putting his hand in his pocket.

"I will what?" Lily asked, holding back a smile. Maybe all the joking wasn't completely ended.

"Marry me?" James said. Oh those words made the butterflies in her stomach sing.

"Marry you what?" Lily asked, her voice shaking despite her best efforts. James took her hands in his, smiling now too.

"Will you marry me?"

"Are you asking me or were you talking to Sirius because--" But James's lips cut Lily off as he leaned in and captured her mouth. He pressed against her hard, causing her to lean back in the chair and be practically squashed by him. She loved it. When he drew away, Lily's smile and blush remained.

"Yes," Lily whispered, staring at him. "Yes, I'll marry you."

"Now, when you say you'll marry me, do you mean me or Sirius, because there may be some confusion," James joked. Lily smirked at him and leaned in to kiss him, wrapping her arms around him and standing up. He wrapped his arm around her middle and stood, lifting her off the ground. When he set her back down, she tried to catch her breath as she met his intense stare.

"You," Lily said. "I want to marry you."

"Of course you do," Sirius chimed in. "You already have the cat."

"Oh shut it. I'm sure you have a cat," Lily said, no malice in her voice, with a smile so big her face almost hurt. She was marrying James! She leaned in to kiss James again, taking the front of his shirt in her hands and pulling him down.

"Nope," Sirius said loudly, breaking through the delirious haze of happiness that was working to consume Lily. "They're only for members of the family."

Well, Lily pulled out of her kiss with James and looked at him, then Sirius, then the cat in his arms. "What do you mean they're only for family?"

"They're only for family," Sirius repeated.

"Thanks, Mr. Cryptic." She turned to James. "How did the cat know?"

"They're very, very smart cats." And his lips would not let her talk anymore.

**-----**

These people chose what was right, not what was easy: they stayed to fight instead of running; they broke away from family tradition; they, despite the deaths around them and the offers of asylum in Voldemort's forces, chose to fight him, chose to marry, chose to have children, chose to live.

**-----**

Lily nervously knocked on the door to the Headmaster's office, holding the crumpled letter in her hand.

"Come in, Miss Evans," said Professor Dumbledore. Lily pushed the door open and found not just Professor Dumbledore but also a man and a woman seated across from him. They all stood when she entered.

"I didn't mean to intrude," Lily said, glancing at the guests. Hadn't her letter said to arrive immediately after breakfast?

"You're not interrupting, Miss Evans," the headmaster said, gesturing with his hand for Lily to come farther into the room and sit in a chair opposite his desk. She took a few more steps inside, but did not sit down. "These visitors are here to see you."

"Me?" Lily asked, looking first at Dumbledore and then the two people standing in front of her.

"Yes," said the man, stepping forward and offering his hand. "My name is Edmund Clark and this is Amelia Allen. You must be the Head Girl, Lily Evans."

Lily shook his hand and then the woman's proffered one. "Yes, I am. How do you do?"

"It's nice to meet you," Edmund Clark said. "Let's sit.

And so they sat, Lily confused but relieved. She'd imagined the reason for this visit to be anything from Dumbledore stripping her of her Head Girl badge to a notification of a death in the family. Two people meeting with her seemed much less intimidating than either of those options.

"We're here to offer you a job," Edmund said. Lily looked at him, shocked.

"I only sent out my applications yesterday," Lily said, wondering which company these people could be from. She hadn't expected responses until June at the earliest. It was hardly May.

"No, Miss Evans," Edmund said. "You misunderstand. We're not offering you the sort of job people apply for. We're offering you a place as an Unspeakable in the Department of Mysteries."

"A what in the where?" Lily asked, wanting to laugh. Magical people seemed to have a lot of fun creating names for things like books and jobs.

"An Unspeakable in the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic," Mr. Clark reiterated. _Oh, thanks for the clarification_, Lily thought.

"What sort of work does the Department of Mysteries do?" Lily asked.

"We can't tell you," Edmund replied. Ha! Okay. So that was the 'mystery' part.

"What would_ I_ be doing?" Lily asked.

"We can't tell you," Edmund said. Was he joking?

"Could I guess and you could tell me if I was right or not?" Lily joked.

"No," Edmund said.

"Okay, who would I work with?" Lily asked, realizing that he was neither joking about this nor did he have a sense of humor about it.

"We can't tell you," he said. This was some sort of joke. Lily looked at Dumbledore to find him popping a piece of chocolate into his mouth. Good grief.

"Is there anything you _could _tell me?" Lily asked.

"Very little," Edmund admitted.

"If I took the job could I find out what I would be doing?" Lily asked, a bit sarcastically.

"Yes," Edmund said. "Though, if you ever left the job your memory would be _obliviated_."

"All right," Lily said, barely keeping herself from leaving right then. These people were crazy: asking her to accept a job they could not describe for an amount of money they wouldn't disclose, one which would cost Lily her memory if she chose to leave it. Right. Sure. She would _definitely _consider that job.

"Perhaps, Edmund, you ought to explain how you came to offer Miss Evans this position," Professor Dumbledore suggested. Lily looked over at him to see him still fiddling around with his candy. Curious.

"We heard about your work with wands and dissecting the charms inlaid in them," Edmund said. "In particular, we were interested in your use of the _Tempus Cinqueso _Charm on late model wands to study the way aging affects wands and the relationship between the wand and wizard or witch."

"Wait," Lily said, "I only began working on that aspect of my seventh year project a few months ago. I haven't even had time to talk with Professor Flitwick about that."

"Nor have you had time to discuss the spell you created last week to study the relationship of time and wands," Miss Allen said, speaking up for the first time. Old as she was, her creaking voice still surprised Lily with its age.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked. "How do you know about that?"

"The Department of Catalogs, specifically the New Spells, Curses, Potions, and More Branch, automatically logs the use of a new spell and its function," Edmund said, taking charge again.

"And what? That department sends a copy of the registry to the Department of Mysteries?" Lily asked skeptically.

"We can't discuss that," Edmund said. If this meeting hadn't been taking place in Dumbledore's office, Lily might have suspected it to be one of Sirius's pranks. At least she was missing no class for this ridiculous meeting.

"My spell interested you?" Lily asked, trying to sidestepped the annoying 'no talking' policy of theirs.

"We—"

"Can't discuss that, I get it," Lily muttered, interrupting him, vaguely reminded of her conversation with that Ministry Official after the Ball, the one who couldn't tell her how Christian or Mrs. Crouch were. It was just as irritating over a year later.

"I am at liberty to tell you that I would like to work with you, Miss. Evans," Amelia Allen said.

"Well, thank you," Lily said, looking over at the white haired, wrinkled woman and feeling disbelief at her words. Why would she want to work with Lily?

"You don't seem to be taking this very seriously," Ms Allen noted.

"It's a little difficult to take seriously," Lily admitted, "when you can't tell me what I would be doing, what the department does, who I'd be work with, why you'd ever want to work with me, or even how you heard about me. Plus, for my working title to be an Unspeakable seems ridiculous."

"I understand," Ms Allen said, nodding, "but where there is a will, there is a loophole."

"Excuse me?" Lily asked. Ms. Allen didn't reply, merely levitated a mirror to Lily, who instinctively grabbed it.

"We don't study conventional magic, Miss Evans," Amelia Allen said, waving her wand and muttering an incantation Lily couldn't hear, but Lily could see the reaction: the mirror seemed to turn on like a telly. Lily felt more than a bit like Snow White.

The words _Areas of Focus_ faded onto and then off of the mirror, followed by a series of pictures with words on top: what looked like a lot of brains in a small pool and the word _Thought_; a black veil in the middle of a room _Death_; a seed growing into a plant and blooming and then shrinking back into itself until it was a seed _Time_; and just as quickly other pictures and images, including the one that really stayed with Lily which was a closed door with light glowing behind it _Love_.

The Department of Mysteries, Lily realized, dealt with real mysteries, things people could for work a thousand years deciphering, things neither Muggles nor magical folk could ever understand.

"Are you trying to harness the power of—"

"No," Ms Allen interrupted. "We are merely trying to understand these things as you are trying to understand time with your wand tests and invented spells."

"Why me?" Lily asked, disbelieving. If she could really make her life's work the study of love and death and time and thought—It would be incredible. Lily had never considered the idea, but the potential of it was overwhelming. "Why would you want me to work there?"

"Because I want to work with you," Amelia Allen answered. "You are young to be offered this position, but I need an assistant, someone with energy to spare."

"It is an opportunity many at the Ministry dream of," Mr. Clark added, "to be offered an Unspeakable position."

"But I don't know what I'll be working on," Lily said.

"Specifically, no," Ms Allen said, "but you have an idea, do you not?"

"I'll not be able to focus on anything I thought I wanted to study," Lily said, not particularly caring, but worried that she might be stuck in a confining job.

"As an Unspeakable you would be able to study anything," Amelia corrected her. "Everything connects through these eight doors. Everything."

Lily didn't really understand what that meant by the reference to doors, but didn't want to ask. Instead, she said, "I don't know anything about this Department."

"No one truly does," Ms Allen said.

"Could I tell my friends what I do?"

"Your title, yes. Your department, yes. Of your work you could tell them nothing."

"No one?" Lily asked, thinking unexpectedly of James and what this would mean for them. But more importantly, she thought about what it would mean if she could look into these disciplines. For her entire seventh year she had felt lost in limbo, flailing about trying to find something to focus on, something to want to do when she left school. She had applied to nearly every job that was not connected with the Ministry, and even a few that were. But the Department of Mysteries, something about it sounded right, like it fit. Vague as it was, it felt right.

And while it took a month's deliberation and a lot of discussions with James, in July Lily Evans became one of the youngest Unspeakables in history.

**-----**

_Lily Evans and James Potter were not perfect people. They lied and deceived. They put distance between their friends and them. Once, they accidentally almost blew up a prefect meeting. But they were good, fun people. To help a friend, he mastered a form of very complex transfiguration and she left her sister's wedding reception. They danced in the autumn leaves. They named their cats Truth and Dare._

_No matter what else might be said about them, they loved life._

**-----**

On the first day of October, Lily, still unused to going to class with her boyfriend, sat in her normal seat in the front row of Transfiguration and expected James to sit in his normal seat in the back row. That was how the last month had gone.

"Already trying to get rid of me?" James asked, eying Lily as she sat down. He was smirking.

Lily looked at him with a smile. "I didn't want to take Sirius's seat."

"Trust me, Sirius will sit by me no matter where I am," James replied, setting his bag on the desk beside Lily's and sitting next to her.

"It's that Moses thing you have going, right?" Lily asked, smiling. She was ridiculously happy with this arrangement. James was closer to her. Yes, that very much agreed with her.

"Exactly," James said, kissing her on the cheek. Just then, Sirius walked in.

"Hey now!" Sirius exclaimed, seeing the seating arrangement. "What's this?"

"I _told_ him to sit by you," Lily told Sirius, leaning against James and taking his left hand in hers. He wrapped his right arm around her waist.

"Snitch," James muttered, kissing her ear. Lily shuddered and felt badly about doing this in a middle of the Transfiguration classroom. Sirius, not seeming too disturbed by this situation, put his bag beside Lily's and sat on her right side. She glanced at him.

"This desk is meant for two," Lily noted.

"Don't joke, Lily," Sirius replied, shaking his head at her. Lily smiled. She didn't mind.

Everyone did a double take coming into the class when they saw the three of them squashed into that desk, Lily and James disentangled, laughing with Sirius. Even McGonagall raised an eyebrow at Lily who shrugged back at her, as if to say she didn't know either, but both women were definitely smiling.

_So now you have seen them, the last generation, turn from children into adults. You watched them find Destiny and Fate in the confines of Hogwarts and take them up as walking sticks to aid them in their long journeys into eternity. _

_As you leave the castle, leave the echoing corridors and the talking portraits who were the only witnesses to the love story of James Potter and Lily Evans, you think there is a moral to this ending and so you search for it. You think about it as you walk across the grass with bare feet, loving the crunching sound, loving those giant bubble-blowers in the distance, remembering patrols and the Game and F.A.D. and cats and proposals and first kisses and the great confusion of sixth year. You think back on everything you saw, from finding four friends in a room failing at transforming to four friends racing through the castles to the power of a single shield to finding a Slytherin prefect wandering the corridors. You think about the friends who look out for each other, of course, and realize how very lucky those people are to have found one another._

Night had fallen late, shrouding Hogwarts in a darkness that Lily Evans tried to get lost in. She hid behind a suit of armour in a far corner of the first floor, trying to breathe silently. Every part of her – from her left middle toe to her right shoulder blade – was poised to run at any moment. The first Game of the year had begun two hours ago and Lily had only just escaped a trap set by Tracy and Christine. She was now waiting to hear the telltale footsteps of Sam, Tracy, or Christine.

Lily readjusted her wand in her hand, the sweat making the menial task more difficult than it would otherwise have been. Actually, every part of her was damp with sweat (the night air, as it should be in on September 10th, was stifling). Her robes, which she had charmed to blend in more easily with the dark walls, clung to her body.

Another minute ticked by. Then it happened: footsteps. They were even, calculated, like someone who was not worried about being caught.

Lily's heart beat three times faster. Those were the footsteps of a patrolling prefect. But shouldn't there have been two sets of steps? Lily held her breath. Being caught out after curfew the second week of school, her second week as Head Girl, was a horrifying possibility: she would have let down so many people.

The footsteps continued to move towards her. Closer and closer the feet came until finally Lily saw the light of their badge reflecting on the metal of the suit of armour. Then the person started whistling and Lily began to grin. She knew who was patrolling now. Standing behind that suit of armour, Lily readjusted herself, charmed the ground, and, just when the person came into view, she pounced.

"Student out of bounds," she called, launching herself at the patroller and tackling him, shoulder to the ground. Sweaty as she was, Lily did not move away from the person she had pinned beneath her. Instead, she grinned and said, "Hello, there."

"Student out of bounds indeed," James grunted, shifting to make himself more comfortable and wrapping his arms around her.

"You're not on patrol tonight, you know," Lily said mock-seriously, tingles spreading through her at their close proximity. It felt so good. "I should probably report you."

"You're not on patrol either," James noted, lifting his head off the ground to kiss her right cheek. Then her left. She crossed her arms over his chest and looked down at him, happy.

"Then we find ourselves in a catch-22, don't we? If I report you I'll get into trouble too and it's the same with you," Lily said, pecking him on the mouth quickly. "What are we going to do?"

"When does the Game end?" James asked, kissing her quickly too.

"About—" Lily kissed him a bit longer, relaxing her position so that her elbows were on either side of his head. "—twenty minutes."

"Want to cut out early?" he asked. Lily leaned in again and loved feeling his tongue run along her lower lip. Still, Lily shifted quickly so that she could see the rankings on her arm.

"Sure, I'll cut out early," Lily agreed, kissing him once more before rolling off him and standing up.

"You're in last, aren't you?" James asked, smirking as he sat up.

"Yep," Lily said, taking his hand and helping him stand up too.

"You're horrible at this Game, you know," James said, pulling her as close to him as possible. "Why do you keep playing it?"

"Haven't you heard?" Lily asked, smiling up at him as she twined her arms behind his neck and leaned in for another kiss. "I'm terribly stubborn."

**-----**

**I hope you all liked reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Check out my livejournal if you have any questions: **


End file.
